Undomesticated Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: That? Oh, that’s nothing. It’s just a bunch of angry baboons trapped behind a…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: wish I’d caught that last word

Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff…

–Columbia University classroom

Overheard by: yeah, cages are a great alternative

Dude to pal: You want tigers, bro? There’s over five thousand tigers to choose from.

–W 4th & Jones

Male economics professor: I must confess that over time, in my lifetime, I’m a monkey.

–NYU Cantor Center

Overheard by: NYU student

Curly-haired woman: Did I mention that the penguins have returned to my lobby?

–113th St

Overheard by: McFreaky

Student: You know how snakes can swallow their food whole? What if a person swallowed a snake whole, and then the snake turned inside out, and then ate the person from the inside? That would be awesome.

–Stuyvesant High

WASP on cell: I said ‘camels.’ He wants to go to Radio City to pet the camels. Fucking psycho.

–Metro-North

Treasured Art Like Flashdance and Dirty Dancing?

Hipster girl: You know it’s just so sad that I will never be able to see the world through anything but the eyes of a dancer. Because that’s what I am, a dancer. I mean, I will never be able to experience the world through the eyes of say an architect or a designer. Oh my God! Don’t you just pine for the 80s when dance was the treasured art form?

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Rebecca

Wednesday One-Liners Make All Stops

Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!

–N train

Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why’s it gotta be Kings Highway?

–B train, Kings Highway station

Overheard by: I feel his pain

Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you’re screwed.

–1 train, 34th St

Overheard by: Nettle

Conductor: There’s another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I’m sure there is another F train behind us.

–F train

Overheard by: I can see the light too

Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train… Oh… I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we’re going uptown, so it doesn’t matter.

–2 train

Overheard by: andy kleiman

Conductor: We’re not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York’s finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we’re the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!

–A train, between 125th & 59th St

When We Took Your Wallet and Divided It Up Amongst Us, for Instance.

Drunk guy in full New Year regalia: Well, I'm from fuckin' Pennsylvania and I never seen anything like this! This shit is fantastic! Woo!
Irritated sober woman: Really? No one on this train had any idea you weren't from New York!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox