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November 2005 Archives
The Classy Ladies of Wednesday One-liners
Chick on cell: Um, it's me, and you know what? I just sent you and email that was all like, "I don't want to think about it, I just want to blah blah blah." I changed my mind. I do want to think about it, and you know what happens when I do? I say, ew! Yuck, yuck, yuck, ew, ew, yuck. argh! Ugh! Ugh! I'm so grossed out right now I cannot even tell you. What a fucking asshole. Asshole, asshole, asshole. I hate him, I hate him. He's a big dick. A big dick. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm walking around the streets of New York swearing, but god knows I'm not the first person. Holy shit, what a dick. Ew. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Call me back. Bye!
--Union Square
Heavenly Wednesday One-liners
Hobo: You people are all evil...You are oppressors...You're gonna be up shit's creek when Moshiach comes!
--37th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alexander
Wednesday One-liners Watch Too Much TV
Dude: Are you suggesting MacGyver is my penis?
--F train
Overheard by: Giovanni Diaz
Wednesday One-liners Rifle Through the Trash
Guy: Dude, no one uses "hobo" in a sentence anymore.
--McCoy's Bar, 9th Avenue
Wednesday One-liners: The Pole
Old man on pay phone: If I see another nigger on this street, I'm gonna rip his dick off and eat it!
--Chambers & Church
Overheard by: Ziggy
Wednesday One-liners: The Hole
Guy on cell: Yo baby, you better be keeping that pussy wet for me.
--Fulton & Gold
Overheard by: Prof A
A Pink Triangle of Wednesday One-liners
Crazy man: Why you gotta stick your dick in a man? How can you be a Latin King and stick your dick in a man?
--6 train
Overheard by: Dirt "Chainsaw" Dog
Wednesday One-liners by Dolly Parton
Girl: Have you seen my mom's titties?
--A train
Overheard by: Matt Gossett
Wednesday One-liners Go to the Health Club
Tour chick: ...And up that street is the gym. I've never been in there but I'm sure it's full of glistening weights and...I don't know...glistening bodies...
--Washington Square Park
Wednesday One-liners Don't Speak Truth
Guy on cell: Oh, wow, that's too bad. You know I would help you out if I were in New York. I am on the West Coast, I flew out yesterday, I am standing on Rodeo Drive.
--73rd & 3rd
Incomplete Wednesday One-liners
Woman: I mean, I don't want to break up with him, but I just don't think I can date an amputee.
--Hungarian Pastry Shop, Amsterdam Avenue
Overheard by: Jeff Julian
Wednesday One-liners Are None Too Bright
Indian man: You're the stupidest lady in the world...You see her? She's the stupidest lady in the world. You are #1!
--7 train
Overheard by: isabelle
That's Why He Invented Hell
Girl #1: Man, I really want some cigarettes, but I don't have any cash.
Girl #2: Sorry, I don't have any cash either.
Girl #1: Look, I found a 20! God like totally wants me to smoke.
--Broadway & Prince
Oddly Enough, Using Windows
Guy #1: I told you I wanted a pineapple.
Guy #2: It's November.
Guy #1: And?
Hobo: Pineapple and coconuts are made from computers. And you can tell!
--77th & 1st
Overheard by: Big Z
Pro or Con?
Girl #1: What's with the people yelling?
Girl #2: It's a protest about something.
Girl #1: What are they protesting?
Girl #2: I don't know, the Bubonic Plague?
--Washington Square SE
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
"Domo arigato!"
White chick: Oh, I've been meaning to ask you...how do you say "hello" in Korean?
Asian chick: I don't know; I'm Chinese, bitch!
--Starbucks, 44th & Broadway
One Yacht Short of a Regatta
Girl #1: Excuse me! Sir!...Why is the water level so low?
Girl #2: Yeah, are they like draining the Hudson River for the winter or something? Isn't that like bad for the boats?
--79th Street Boat Basin
Bob Saget Would Award Him a Big Check
Suit #1: Who would win in a fight, a cheetah or a chimpanzee?
Suit #2: Definitely the cheetah.
Suit #1: But what if the chimpanzee kicked the cheetah in the balls?
--34th & Madison
It Was The Bronxstein Until Ellis Island
Teen girl #1: What is the Bronx short for?
Teen girl #2: It's not short for anything, it's just the Bronx.
Teen girl #1: Oh, I thought it was short for Brooklyn.
Teen girl #2: Wow.
--6 train
Overheard by: Jen
It's That Pesky Tom Paine Again
Trainer guy #1: How do you say "sixty-nining" in Chinese?
Trainee lady: I don't know...How do you say it in Trinidadian?
Trainer guy #2: There is no language called Trinidadian. They speak English. It was a British colony.
Trainee lady: What happened?
--New York Health & Racquet Club, Whitehall Street
They're So Going to the Outer Darkness
Promoter guy: Do you girls like comedy?
Girl #1: No.
Promoter guy: You telling me you girls don't like to
laugh?
Girl #2: Laughing is against our religion.
Promoter guy: And what religion would that be?
Girl #1: Mormon.
--Broadway between Bleecker & Houston
Then Stop Showing Us Your Hymen
Tween girl #1: Oh my god, is it wrong that I want him inside me?
Tween girl #2: Uh, yeah, especially since you're like 13 and a virgin.
Tween girl #1: Oh my god, shut up! I don't want all these New Yorkers to know I'm a virgin!
--50th & 6th
Define "Better"
Drunk boy: God, fucking Bedford is so fucking gentrified.
Drunk girl: Go to the Lorimer stop. It's way better there.
--Bedford Avenue station
Overheard by: Ami
Sharpie is Just Their Name, Dimwit
Asian girl: So he gave me directions to go meet him.
White guy: What? I ain't goin there, that neighborhood is all Cripped out! I ain't about to get shot!
Asian girl: Look, I can call a car service to pick us up at the train station if it's that big of a deal.
White guy: Naw, I'm kiddin', I'll just stab 'em with a pen.
--Walgreens, 4th Avenue
She Admires Their Ability to Smear Their Foes
Lady lawyer: Hey, what animal year are you?
Boy attorney #1: The monkey, I think.
Boy attorney #2: Dude, chimpanzees freak me out after seeing Outbreak.
Boy attorney #1: That was a monkey, not a chimpanzee.
Lady lawyer: The thing I don't like about monkeys is their butts.
--Office, East 45th Street
No, That's Pretty Much Judaism
Girl #1: I really like matzoh bread.
Girl #2: Yeah, my friend makes it really amazing because she fries it in butter and sugar. It's so good.
Girl #1: Wait, is that allowed? I thought matzoh was supposed to be about suffering.
--Lafayette Street Residence
Cue Big Musical Finale
Tourist guy: Officer, what's happening?
Cop guy: What's happening? Rush hour's happening!
--Times Square station
He's Going Back to Reclaim His Throne
Hobo: Can anyone spare $100? I'm trying to get to Hawaii.
A man hands him a dollar bill.
Hobo: Can any one spare $99? I'm trying to get to Hawaii.
--12th & 7th
Overheard by: Zimmy
I Feel Sorry for the Poor Bitch
Girl: Did you hear about that new dog they're breeding? It's called
a pewgle.
Guy: What kinda dog is that?
Girl: Oh, it's a pug and um...um...a bugle.
--Deli, 53rd & 6th
Overheard by: Janelle F
Michael Schiavo Gets On With His Life
Woman: He wants the pad tai with chicken, no vegetables.
Man: I can't have vegetables. My vegetarian wife just left me.
--Tai Hong Lau, Mott Street
Overheard by: Amie
Just Look--Indirectly--at Stephen Hawking
Girl #1: ...so he'd just sit in the back of the room jerking off and nobody could say anything because he was special.
Girl #2: Let me get this straight: he couldn't control his motorized wheelchair but he could beat off?
Girl #1: Where there's a will there's a way.
--Tisch School of the Arts, Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: D
Welcome to the Jungle
Black girl: I didn't want to say this in there, but have you noticed how all Mexican men working in bars and restaurants look the same?
White girl #1: Well I bet they all think that white women look the same.
White girl #2: Well all elephants probably look the same to gorillas.
--West 3rd Street & 6th Avenue
We Prefer to Be Called Immigrants
Guy #1: I don't think aliens are aliens.
Guy #2: Oh no. Me neither.
Guy #1: I think aliens are just regular people who evolved a different way.
Guy #2: I have always believed that. Everyone knows that.
--Astor Place
User ID: Golden_Gurlz
Guy #1: Yo, them pants is hot, where'd you get 'em?
Guy #2: Muthafuckin' eBay, nigga!
--7th & Bleecker
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
That's Just Where His Ideas Went
Girl: When you were talking about Saddam Hussein, it reminded me of Osama bin Laden. Wasn't he born here or something?
Professor lady: No...
Girl: Then he grew up here?
Professor: No...
College girl: Oh, right! He came here to go to an Ivy League, didn't he?
--Tisch Hall, West 4th Street
Chelsea Takes a Trip North
Guy #1: You talk about cock more than girls I know who suck it every weekend.
Guy #2: Um, are you insinuating that I'm gay?
Guy #1: I don't need to insinuwait anything.
Guy #3: You're both gay.
Guy #1: Suck my cock, bitch.
--79th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: AChest
Drunk guy: Let me ask you something...What are the chances that you'll let me take you home and blow you?
Sober guy: Not very likely.
Drunk guy: See, it's just that my girlfriend is out of town and I really want to suck you off.
Sober guy: Um. No.
--75th & Columbus
She Should Major in Double Entendres
Teen girl #1: Do you have your final college list yet?
Teen girl #2: It's not exactly done.
Trannie: Seniors?
Teen girl #2: Yep!
Trannie: Either of you applying to Williams? I went there!
Teen girl #1: I was looking at it, but I'm not so sure.
--1 train
Overheard by: michal
Not as Sick as "Grody" Usage
Queer #1: Ick. He's like, your cousin or something.
Queer #2: First cousin. Second cousin. Once removed.
Queer #1: But not a cousin cousin.
Queer #2: Right.
Queer #1: That's still grody.
Queer #2: I love that skirt on her.
--33rd & 8th
You Can Get Some Store Credit at Evolution
Suit: Am I going to be charged for the giant roach that fell on my head while I was eating?
Cashier lady: Um...no.
--Spade's Noodles, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Becca and Christa
He Kept Uploading from His Floppy
Guy: I really don't watch that much porn.
Chick: I woke up in the middle of the night that one time, and you were totally sitting in your desk chair watching porn!
Guy: I was just switching files between hard drives and I wanted to make sure the porn file still worked.
--D'Agostino, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Sometimes Reagan Worship Goes Too Far
Woman #1: I think I'll get the spinach ravioli that you got last time.
Woman #2: Really? I did? Did I like it?
--Chelsea Gallery, 7th Avenue
Overheard by: Jenyc
So Should I Just Throw Out These Carnations?
Hobo: What's the best in the nation? Hey you, what's the best in the nation?
Guy: The best what?
Hobo: In the nation. What's the best in the nation?
Girl #1: The best what in the nation?
Hobo: You know, like country.
Girl #1: Oh, you mean what's the best country?
Hobo: Yeah. Nation.
Girl #1: The United States!
Hobo: Wrong!
Girl #2: Red Sox nation!
Hobo: Wrong!
Guy: Nigeria?
Hobo: Wrong! The best in the nation...the best nation is a donation! Gimme a nickel.
--2nd Avenue & 7th Street
Overheard by: Carmen Nobel
It's a White Thing; You Wouldn't Understand
Girl #1: I bought him white eyelashes and white lipstick but I don't know how much he's willing to let me put on him.
Girl #2: Does he do drag?
Girl #1: Well, he used to; when he lived in San Francisco, back when he danced. But he did it more for the kink than anything else.
--Rockefeller Center
Because That's Where Babies Come From
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god, you have camel toe!
Drunk girl #2: Why are you looking at my pussy?
--2nd Avenue between 7th & St Marks
Probably in a Blog
Guy #1: ...so I heard that the more you think you know, the less you actually know.
Guy #2: Yeah, I think I read that somewhere.
--Broadway & Bond
Overheard by: Jenyc
The Third Kind of Irony
Little boy: I ate a nail once.
Mom: I remember that. I think it came out in your diaper.
--41st & 9th
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Gee, I Wonder What She'll Grow Up to Be
Dad: Okay, pose for a picture honey! Hold your drink up!...Okay honey, look at the camera.
Little girl: But the sun is in my eyes.
Dad: Just look at the camera and I'll take your picture...Look into the camera, honey!
Little girl: The sun hurts my eyes!
Dad: Just look into the camera really quick and I'll take the picture.
She does, with great discomfort. He takes a picture after about 15 seconds.
Dad: That was awful.
--Park Slope
"...They made me unload my pistol, too."
Teen boy: I did the stupidest thing yesterday.
Teen girl: What?
Teen boy: I went up to the cops with my bag open, and I was like,
"Wanna search me? Wanna search me?" and they were like, "Okay."
Teen girl: Ha, ha. You busted.
Teen boy: Yeah. They took half my condoms but they left everything
else.
--40th Street station
Careful, You Might Get a Ticket
Guy: If you could marry Dave Matthews right now, would you?
Girl: Yeah, I would; I would piss on his face!
Guy: What?
Girl: Yeah, I heard he likes that.
--John & Gold
Overheard by: Jon Margolis
That's Nature's Way of Making a Gold Donation
White guy #1: You know they fine you for smoking on a train platform even when it's outdoors?
White guy #2: That's crazy man.
White guy #1: They even fine you for peeing and jumping the turnstile.
White guy #2: Well, I understand jumping the turnstile...but peeing?
--A train
Non-shiny Buttons Aren't Legal Tender
Guy #1: She's like a dull child acting out. It's so transparent to everybody but her, that we know who she is talking about.
Guy #2: I wonder if they pay her in shiny buttons.
--Vanderbilt & 42nd
Overheard by: Joe Jervis
"Mommy, where do morons come from?"
Guy #1: What are you trying to do?
Guy #2: Have your babies.
Guy #1: Mad babies?
Guy #2: Mabies.
--Rubin Hall elevator, 5th Avenue
Overheard by: danie
Only 1 Month Until Illegal Christmas!
Street guy: Belts, watches, designer Bags! I got it all, step right up and buy, buy, buy! Everything just $10!
WASP woman: Careful, he probably stole most of it. Let's not buy anything that's been stolen.
WASP man: Sir, you know stealing is illegal?
Street guy: Hey, fuck you, man. Get the fuck out, I didn't want your fuckin' business anyways, faggot...stolen fucking goods for sale, stolen watches, stolen bads, stolen belts...!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: John Doe Patriot
Don't Hate the Piper, Hate the Rock
Hobo: Can I get some change?
Drunk guy: I'm sorry, I don't smoke crack. I can't understand you.
--84th & Amsterdam
Mary and Jesus Don't Have Advice for You
Teen boy #1: So I gotta go home, change, and then meet her and go to church.
Teen boy #2: Who the hell goes to church on a Friday night? How often do you go to church?
Teen boy #1: Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays...sometimes Sundays.
Teen boy #2: Damn dude, when are you gonna have time to lose your virginity, dude?
Teen boy #1: That's what I'm working on, man!
--F train
Overheard by: Geisa
Bridge v. Tunnel
Woman: Do your gay thing and get us up ahead of this line full of teenage girls!
Queer: All right! "Girl...I need to get me a t-shirt! Move this Long Island trash outta my way!"
Teen girl: Please! Whateva Jersey!
Woman: Oh my god! She knew you were from Jersey!
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: J.Mo
Everyone Knows White Lies are the Best Kind
Hobo: Hey, can you guys spare some money?
Chick: No, sorry.
Hobo: That is a white lie from some white people!
--Mott & Spring
He Must Have Been Following Orders
Queer: What? Are you calling me a nerd? Do I look like I pay attention in class? I got a D+ so in your face, bitch! Oh, guess who I fucked last night?
Girl: Could you say that any louder? Who?
Queer: Myself.
--Hunter West Building, 68th & Lexington
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
They'd Love This at Metropolitan Diary
Man #1: Hey, did you hear they're remaking The Poseidon Adventure?
Man #2: Really? Are they going to get anyone from the original? Is Shelley Winters in it?
Man #3: Yeah. She plays the boat.
--Film Forum, Houston Street
Overheard by: JP
Choose Your Own Dating Adventure
Hag: I see her point, I think that's why I don't have a boyfriend either. I'm just too high maintenence.
Queer: Ha! Girl, you are not high maintenance, you are just plain old needy.
--17th & 5th
Overheard by: Thirsty Violet
Woman: You are not needy, you are so worth it!
--Elephant and Castle, Greenwich Avenue
Overheard by: wecantdraw
I'm Thankful That I'm Free
AM New York guy: AM New York!
Metro guy: Metro New York!
Guy #3: Free donuts!
AM New York guy: AM New York, Metro New York, free donuts, all at Penn Station, New York!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jenny Lichtenwalner
Daily News guy: Hey baby, free Daily News. Hey baby, take my paper and you'll be satisfied...Yo baby, you take that paper and you keep looking that fine. Shake what God gave ya baby, and read my paper!
--Jamaica
I'll Bring the XXX Jug
Girl: So, I was thinking we could have a hick themed Thanksgiving.
Guy: What does that even mean?
Girl: You know, we could drink bad beer, and eat gross deep-fried food, and, like, rent hick movies and stuff.
Guy: "Hick movies"?
Girl: You know, like that Nicolas Cage movie where he lives in a trailer park, or that Hilary Swank movie where she's, like, a lesbian and stuff. Those are pretty hick.
Guy: That movie is about rape, and discrimination.
Girl: It'll be really fun.
--A train
I'm Thankful for My Family
Little boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. Nobody cares!
--Prospect Heights
Overheard by: Michael Barthel
Mother: Did you do these questions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?...What the fuck was that? Speak in actual words!
Little boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Mother: Don't fucking lie to me. I'm gonna bust you in the mouth. Why didn't you do your homework?...Did you look at yourself before we left the house? You look like fucking shit!
Little boy: I'm sorry.
Mother: Sorry looking.
--F train
Man on cell: You stupid little bitch!...That's right I want a better report card next year.
--West 4th Street & 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Scott Hoffman
Teen girl: I'm not allowed to go home this weekend 'cause my father's having one of his girlfriends over. He told me, "you're gonna have to sleep somewhere else, because, uh, you know..."
--A train
Little girl: Mommy, what're we getting?
Mommy: Pshh, I don't know. You better figure out quick, you're the one's gotta eat.
--Fine Fair, Avenue C
Overheard by: Catechist
Boy: Did you get my Christmas list?
Dad: I don't need your Christmas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playstation.
Dad: I'm not gettin' you video games.
Boy: Then I just want money.
Dad: You want my money, I want you to get good grades. Neither of us get what we want, do we?
--6 train
Overheard by: Chris Mohney
I'm Thankful I'm a New Yorker
Lady #1: Can you please choose a direction and stick to it? You almost made me tumble down the stairs!
Lady #2: What? I know you are not talking to me!
Lady #1: Yes, I am talking to you, you keep changing your direction left, right, back, and forth! You walk right in front of me as I am walking down the stairs and almost tripped me down the stairs!
Lady #2: Well, if you were not right up my ass, you would not have had a problem!
Lady #1: How can I avoid being up your ass? Have you seen how much room your ass takes up?--
Man: Ha!
Lady #1: --It's like a wide load truck swerving across the highway with no warning to fellow drivers! It's huge!
Lady #2: Nasty ass bitch!
Lady #1: I am sure you would know.
--103rd Street 1 station
Counter guy: Who is next on line for a sandwich?...Anybody?...Does anybody want a sandwich?...Okay, who wants a salad?...Anybody waiting on line for a salad?....Anybody want anything?...You, what would you like?
JAP: Excuse me, I was next!
--EEE's, East 34th Street
Overheard by: SK
Queer: No, thanks.
Flyers woman: You're a faggot.
Queer: Fuck you, you fucking piece of trash skank bitch. Why don't you wipe off your clown makeup, get some acutane, and find a real job? Fucking bitch.
--110th & Broadway
Girl #1: Where's Broadway?
Girl #2: Well, Broadway runs like the entire city from North to South.
Girl #1: But where's the part that has the famous stuff, like Cats?
Girl #2: Oh, I have no idea.
--Fulton & Nassau
Overheard by: Velzzy
I'm Thankful for My Intelligence
Tween girl #1: Gina, you know you look a lot taller when you run.
Tween girl #2: That's because she's up in the air more, dummy.
--Battery Park
Suit: Thanksgiving is on a Friday, right?
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Andrew Richter
I'm Thankful I'm Alive
An unofficial memorial is covered with flowers, candles, cards and candy.
Drunk girl #1: Hey, who wants a Blow Pop?
Drunk guy: Um...I dunno.
Drunk girl #2: Don't. It's bad luck to take candy from the dead.
Drunk girl #1: ...Yeah, I guess you're right.
--3rd between A & B
Overheard by: The Vouk
Girl: Don't die while I'm gone, okay?
Guy: Why not?
--66th & Columbus
I'm Thankful for My Friends
Girl #1: Is your sweater cashmere?
Girl #2: Yeah. Well, cashmere blend.
Girl #1: Blend? That doesn't count. God, you're such a bitch.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
I'm Thankful for My Health
Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it's, like, really strong.
--Washington Square Park
Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!
--2 train
Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.
--18th & 5th
Overheard by: basselope
Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That's not that bad...
--Stop and Shop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dan
Wednesday One-liners Stand for Good Hygiene
Crazy guy: Shaving is so much more important than your cell phone.
--6 train
Wednesday One-liners' Fashion Emergency
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm going to dress her up in outfits again and make her dance.
--81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: kt
Wednesday One-liners Roll Up Dollars
Teen boy on cell: What grade are you in?...Do you get high? I get high everyday, yo! It's coo-ool! What you gotta do, is look at yourself in the mirror, and ask, "Am I cool? Do I got what it takes?"
--Riverside Park pier
Overheard by: Marlena G
Wednesday One-liners Can't Dress Correctly
Tourist woman: ...But I thought that the Arc de Triomphe was in Paris.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jill Maclearie
Wednesday One-liners v. Wade
Guy: Well what do you think is more difficult, buying this pack of cigarettes or having another miscarriage?
--Williamsburg
...Butt It's Wednesday One-liners!
Girl: Oh, he's constant, all right. He's a constant asshole.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Wednesday One-liners Come Together
Drunk woman: They're married, those two are together, you and I are alone and it sucks, so get over it!
--Carmine's, West 44th Street
Overheard by: Emily
Wednesday One-liners for Tomorrow
Suit on cell: Yo Chucky, what're you doing for the holiday?...You're
frying it?...Like, deep frying? Yes, that's weird...I think it'll taste funny...I hope you remember to pluck all the feathers.
--Madison Square Park
Wednesday One-liners, It's My First Time
Chick: Who knew losing your virginity was so traumatizing? I thought it was a one time thing and then it's over.
--13th & 5th
Overheard by: Evil Eye
Wednesday One-liners Went to Twilo
Girl: I'm pouring my heart out to you and all you can talk about is China Club!
--47th between Broadway & 8th
Overheard by: PJ
Wednesday One-liners Got a Book Deal
Hipster girl: Oh my god, I knew Art Spiegelman was going to be involved in this story, somehow!
--Barnes & Noble, 66th & Broadway
Wednesday One-liner Stare into the Abyss
Girl on cell: Tell me what to do before I kill myself.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Shara Bailey
Technically, It is Literally "Like" a Month
Professor guy: Okay everyone, I will see you in 3 weeks. Have a good Thanksgiving!
Girl #1: 3 weeks, that's awesome!
Girl #2: I know...3 weeks, that's like a month!!
Girl #1: Literally.
--Meyer Hall, Washington Place
Overheard by: pieces
Watch Where He Swipes That Card
Drunk girl: This fucking MetroCard doesn't work?
Sober guy #1: The train is about to come, what's taking you so long, bitch?
Drunk girl: Excuse me cute guy, can you help me?
Sober guy #2: Of course.
Drunk girl: You see, asshole? The cute guy helped me; I'm going to fuck him tonight.
--1st Avenue station
Emergency Rooms Are That Quick?
Guy: So I bought the shady chicken...
Girl: The street meat?
Guy: Yeah. You only have to wait on line for, like, two seconds.
--Elevator, State Street Plaza
"Stop throwing my hat in the air!"
Girl: I mean, I was rivaling Mary Tyler Moore in her peak for cuteness, and he didn't even look at me.
Guy: I would totally freeze-frame you, if it's any consolation.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Colin Hartnett
That's Just Bullshit
Guy: I'm domestic.
Chick: You are so not domestic.
Guy: I'm a lazy domestic.
Chick: You leave bags of garbage on the floor of your room for days at a time!
Guy: Whatever. Domesticated cows shit inside.
--111th between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: djlindee
That's "If I Had a Hamburger"
Guy: You know that song If I Had a Hammer? Who sings that?
Girl: The Carpenters?
--South Street Seaport
The Most Horrifying Sound in the Universe
Bike guy: Well why don't you shut up, bitch?
Woman: Whatever.
Bike guy: I'll break my dick off in your mouth.
--Spring between Broadway & Crosby
Tell Him New York Wants to Have a Talk
Crazy guy: Hey! How are you?
Lady: Hello.
Crazy guy: This is my Ethiopian friend, we are going to get Osama!
--81st & Columbus
He's Also Homer Simpson, Apparently
Barista guy: You can't bring that dog in here.
Dude: What kind of coffee do you have today?
Barista guy: I'm not telling you what kind of coffee we have until you get that dog out of here.
Dude: No really, what kind of coffee do you have today?
Barista guy: Is that a working dog?
Dude: Yeah...
Barista guy: Are you blind?
Dude: Yeah...
--Starbucks, 47th & 3rd
Overheard by: Cait
Ocean's Two
Girl: My girlfriend used to date George Clooney and he would have her shave his balls all the time.
Drunk guy: Really? I shave down there, what do you think about that?
Girl: I kinda wanna stop talking to you now.
--Loki Lounge, Park Slope
Note She Said "Until", Not "Unless"
Girl: I've seen pictures of you as a child. You didn't look Jewish. Hitler would have loved you. Well, until he saw your penis.
Guy: Wow...uh...wow.
--78th & Columbus
Children Shouldn't Be Kicked at All
Girl #1: You want to hear something crazy? My sister, you know she's pregnant with her second kid, right? The baby's due date is the same exact day as her first kid's birthday.
Girl #2: That's so crazy. Maybe they only kick it once a year.
--6 train
It Would Probably Start to Grate
Girl #1: My husband had such a hair across his ass last night. He was getting on my last nerve.
Girl #2: "Hair across his ass"? What do you mean?
Girl #1: You've never heard that phrase before? "Hair across his ass"?
Girl #2: No, I haven't. I don't get it.
Girl #1: Well Jen, tell me, would you be happy if you had a hair going across your ass?
--Gray's Papaya, 8th Avenue
Let's Find a Frontier for Her to Settle On
Man: I mean, the fact is, it's going to be very hard for you to find someone who fulfills your specific needs.
Woman: Yeah, I know.
Man: I mean, what you're looking for, it's like beyond brains. You want a man who understands auras and energy. I mean, face it, there's not another guy on this whole car who gets that.
Woman: Mm-hmm.
Man: You know, you're a good candidate for just settling.
--G train
Mocking Sarah Jessica is So Two Hours Ago
Guy #1: How long have we been coming here and how long has that waitress been working here?
Guy #2: She's been here for at least 2 years.
Guy #3: She must be the worst actress in all of New York City.
--Brother Jimmy's, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Fritz Chestnut
Skinny Hatchet-faced People
Old lady: That's the brownstone where Matthew lives with Sarah Jessica Parker. She didn't grow up in the West Village, you know.
Old man: All that money they make, you think they'd never settle for a house that's only 18 feet wide.
Old lady: Only skinny people can live there.
--7th & Charles
Tell That to Sarah Jessica Parker
Dude #1: So I'm totally fighting with Mark--
Dude #2: You mean physically fighting, or metaphysically fighting?
Dude #1: Metaphysically. But does it make a difference?
Dude #2: Well, dude, you can't get punched in the face, metaphysically.
--West 3rd & Mercer
Overheard by: Dev Nille
Don't Be Offended; He Meant Colorforms
Thug #1: So they was like, "Yo, you fucked that bitch without a condom!" And I was like, "Naw." And they was like, "She pregnant, yo."
Thug #2: Aw, shit!
Thug #1: When I heard that, I was cryin'. Like, straight-up tears, I was cryin'.
Thug #2: Damn...
Thug #1: I can't even tell you what I did to get that bitch unpregnant. I'll say this much: it involved chloroform.
--6 train
Diagnosis: Dipsy Doodles Dementia
Teen boy #1: So the other day I was watching TV and I said out loud, "Fuck, I wish I didn't just eat all those Doritos." And then I was like, "Wait, I didn't just eat any Doritos." And now I'm like, "Maybe I had one wish and I blew it on Doritos." You know?
Teen boy #2: Damn, dawg. That sucks.
--D train
If You Don't Get It, Ask an Appeaser
Professor lady: What is your favorite fruit?
Girl #1: J'aime manger les pommes.
Girl #2: Isn't the rule if it grows underground it's a vegetable?
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
I Thought "She" Was Terence Trent D'Arby
Chick #1: You know, a year ago I didn't even know who Tracy Chapman was.
Chick #2: Even I knew who she was, and I'm not even black!
Chick #1: Well, I'm not black in the ways that count. I'm not outwardly, identifiably black...Well, except for my skin color.
--Broadway & 116th
Hair Today, Heard Tomorrow (NYC Short Stories)
Accounting lady: What did you do to your hair?
Mailroom guy: It's called the wet look.
Accounting lady: Oh yeah? What's that?
Mailroom guy: I sprinkle some water on my head.
--Office, 58th & Broadway
Girl #1: I'm getting my hair cut when I go home next week. I don't trust New York hairdressers. Last time, they charged me too much and gave me a crappy cut where one side was longer than the other.
Girl #2: It was probably some sort of hipster thing, that's why it cost so much.
Girl #1: What, like I'm paying a licensing fee to rebroadcast her creativity on my head?...I guess so.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Julia Kite
That's How You Get Hepatitis G
Thug guy #1: Take a look at this shit [on my digital camera].
Thug guy #2: Look at that joint; it looks straight up like a Toys "R" Us commercial.
Thug guy #1: So we was on the safari, and you know how you're not supposed to have the windows down on those joints? Then that girl up there rolled the window down and the giraffe stuck its head in like, "Yo, what up?" and I was like, "Bitch, roll the window up!" and it came back out. I was scared, yo. I thought that thing was gonna bite me or something.
Thug guy #3: Giraffes don't eat meat.
Thug guy #1: I don't care! That thing could have bit me or spit on me or licked me!
--L train shuttle bus
Overheard by: T. DeVon Robinson
Think How the Bunny Felt
Girl #1: So did you guys fuck all night?
Girl #2: Yeah, till I had to stop to smoke a cigarette because I needed to throw up...I felt so fat just laying there while he rabbit-humped me.
--The Met
Overheard by: Aubrey DiScalo
The Poop She Blames on the Dog
Girl #1: One time I farted and there was a cute boy there and I was mortified.
Girl #2: Yes! What did you say?
Girl #1: I blamed it on a homeless person!
Girl #2: Holy crap that's genius.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Shanon Kelley
He Must Use the Metric System
Teen girl: So how big are you?
Teen guy: Oh, I'm 5'6" or 5'7".
--F train
Overheard by: Jessica S
Girl, You'll Be a Latter-day Saint Soon
Crazy lady: You some kinda rabbi or something? What are you?
Uncrazy chick: What?
Crazy lady: What ethnicity are you?
Uncrazy chick: Uh, Mormon.
Crazy lady: Woman?
--98th & West End
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Please God, Say They Didn't Do It on the Train
Bag lady: ...but I got 33 days credit.
Hobo: Yeah, but you know if you get locked up again, you're gonna be there for 60.
Bad lady: I know, then I'll do half.
Hobo: I can't believe that guy did that to you. I'm gonna set him up like a bowling pin. And you know what happens to bowling pins: they get knocked out.
--Staten Island Railway
Overheard by: David D.
"Are you fcuking kidding me?"
Suit #1: So how was working in the Atlanta office? Hook up with any girls there?
Suit #2: Man, every girl in that city who's over 21 is either married or divorced. Lots of good-looking ones, though. But it's like you think you're in Barney's and it's really Salvation Army.
--Park & 48th
Then You Should Say "Caboose"
Thugette #1: You can take that shit and shove it up your fucking rear end.
Thugette #2: "Rear end"? Why don't you say "ass", motherfucker? "Ass"!
Thugette #1: We're on a fucking train!
--A train
His Fangs Go in a Cup of Water by the Bed
Girl #1: What does the Pope wear when he like sleeps? Does he always wear the huge robe and tiny little hat?
Girl #2: Ha, ha! Wow, You just totally blew my mind.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Michelle Smith
That's More Like Salad Tongs
Construction guy #1: Yo, when I got home last night, I had a 3 hour nap.
Construction guy #2: Oh yeah? Did you spoon with your boyfriend?
--33rd & 8th
Overheard by: bernadette
Buster Poindexter is Spinning in His Grave
Girl: Who's that on your t-shirt?
Guy: Well, it says "New York Dolls"...
Girl: Is that Led Zeppelin?
Guy: Um, no, it's the New York fucking Dolls!
Girl: Asshole.
--Beauty Bar, East 14th Street
Not as Much as All Those Abortions
Old lady #1: Your grandson has not been with a girl in a while. He might be gay.
Old lady #2: Hey, he's not gay, don't be crazy. Your grandson needs to stop sleeping with every girl; he might get them pregnant.
Old lady #1: Hey, how much is this kielbasa?
Translated from the Russian.
--Grocery store, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Steve
More Like Upside Down
Med student guy #1: Wait up, you're saying that nearsighted means you can't see far? But it should, like, mean that you can't see near.
Med student guy #2: Yeah, I know, it's like backwards or something.
--Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center, West 168th Street
"...Can I get her autograph?"
Guy: The Dead Kennedys are playing tonight. Oh, excuse me: the "Dead Kennedys."
Girl: Right.
Guy: Like the Dead Kennedys are even the Dead Kennedys without Jello Biafra. It's like the Misfits without Danzig.
Girl: My sister's boyfriend knows their drummer.
Guy: You have a sister?
--L train
Dude So Just Blew It
Girl: Ew, look at that bug by the curb. That's no regular roach.
Guy: Yeah, that's not a New York roach, it's like a Middle Earth roach.
--28th & 7th
Overheard by: Randolph Hernandez
Chocolate, Peanut Butter Still Unaccounted For
Girl #1: So, how was your night last night?
Girl #2: Um, I'm pretty sure I have jizz in my hair.
--Washington Square Park
The Liberry Ain't What It Used to Be
Girl #1: I am so glad I bought those earrings. I am definitely going to find my baby's father tomorrow night.
Girl #2: It's not the kind of place to find your baby's father. You might find your baby's daddy, but not your baby's father.
--Broadway & 4th
Overheard by: angela chase
I Too Thought They Were Some Sort of Reptile
Hobo: Hi, My name is Sonny Page, I'm homeless and I'm hungry. If you don't have it I understand 'cause I don't have it. But if you could spare some money, food, a sandwich, I would really appreciate it.
Guy: Aw. Fuck, didn't I give you change this morning? You're still hungry?
--F train
That Doormat's Got 3 Kids, and No Dad in Sight
Girl: Yo, my neighborhood is so ghetto.
Guy: What? It isn't ghetto. You've got a doormat.
--1 train
Tastes Not-So-Great, More or Less Filling
Guy #1: Dude, do you actually have a refrigerator this time?
Guy #2: Yeah, of course.
Guy #1: Good, 'cause I don't want an infection like I got last year from putting the beers in the toilet tank
Guy #3: Man, you chilled the beers in the toilet?
Guy #1: No dude, the toilet tank! I thought I would be safe but I woke up with one swollen eye and two swollen fingers.
--Bodega, 12th & B
This "Winner" Sure Got Some Prize
Little boy: No, I want them both! Mommy, you're a loser!
Mommy: Are you calling Mommy a loser? Well, then you're not getting
anything.
Little boy: No, I'm calling you a winner now! I love you!
--Toys "R" Us, Times Square
Overheard by: lindsey Lanpher
That Would Be Aiding and Abetting a Fugitive
Man: Can I buy a $2 subway card?
Booth lady: You have to use the machine.
Man: Can't you help me? I only have one arm.
--1st Avenue station
Overheard by: Jorge Montano
The Robohobos and Hoborgs Hit the Streets Today
Hobo: Beep. Beep. Beep.
Fat woman: Stop it!
Hobo: Beep. Beep. Beep.
--9th between 37th & 38th
It's Vampires Who Need Invites, Not People
Man: Can I see the takeout menu, please?
Counter guy: Do you want to stay?
--George's Lunch, Greenwich Street
Another Brilliant Brian Kinney Campaign
Ad guy #1: "Up Your Budget"? I don't get it.
Ad guy #2: It's for the rental car company.
Ad guy #1: But it makes you think of Up Your Butt. Is that the point? Budget wants people to think about stuffing things in their ass?
Ad guy #2: I don't know.
Ad guy #1: "Look at me, I'm stuffing things in my ass!" "We try harder, we're number two. We're stuffing things in our ass!"...Hertz!
--Madison & 50th
Overheard by: Kevin
The Mole Ruins Another Challenge
Queer #1: Okay, the question is, would you do Anderson Cooper?
Queer #2: I'd do him.
Queer #3: I'd do him too.
Queer #4: I wouldn't do him.
Queer #5: I so wouldn't do him.
Queer #6: I would do him.
Queer #1: I wouldn't do him. Can anyone count? Was it a tie? Shit. Now what?
--Food Bar, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Laight
Spoken Like a True Pimp
Woman: People pickin' on you in school? Where are your friends? Who you roll with?
Little boy: I'm in the second grade!
--135th & 5th
Your Overheard Guide to New York
Guy #1: Well, to the west is Chelsea, down past 14th Street is the Village, uptown is Harlem, down past Houston is Soho; the Lower East Side is South past the Village.
Guy #2: What's this area called?
Guy #1: I have no idea...
--15th & 2nd
Overheard by: Bucky Turco
Old tour man: This is Chelsea, where the homosexual male and homosexual female live. To the right you can spot an interesting haircut on that man. That's called a Tommyhawk haircut.
--Gray Line bus, 14th & 7th
Overheard by: Hank Luxford
Her Name, Not Her Sentence
Crazy guy: You gots some pretty eyes.
Woman: Thank you.
Crazy guy: What's your name, pretty?
Man: My wife!
--A train
Overheard by: tommy Lo
The Women-Taking-Medicine Fetish
Yuppie girl: So yeah, I heard he was on that pill that makes you horny.
Yuppie guy: Allegra?
Yuppie girl: No, dumbass, that's the one that prostitutes take.
--S train
Overheard by: Glynnis
"The more you ignore me, the closer I get."
Man: I'm kind of disturbed by the fact that I've wanted to listen to Morrissey lately.
Woman: We can go back to my place and listen to Morrissey later.
Man: No one has sex to Morrissey.
--The Raven, Avenue A
He Was Hiding 35 Bodies in His Car
Girl: I hate clowns.
Clown guy: We hate you too.
--Church Avenue F station
Overheard by: sarah
She Has Six Months Left to LiveJournal
Doctor guy: Okay, we have the chest x-ray and it explains what's going on. See this lesion? It is pretty impressive.
Patient lady: "Impresssive"? Is that a medical term? Am I gonna have to google that, too?
--Office, 71st & Park
Overheard by: Next exam room
A Naked Shitflinger is Our Second-Best Customer
Security guy: You missed all the action!
Tailor guy: You mean the guy who defecated in the dressing room and then ran around here wearing just his shoes and a sweater? I'm the one who called you about it, young man! I was hiding over by the
stairs. Did you kick him out?
Security guy: No...you see, he's not "all there" in the head.
Tailor guy: Really? He looked quite sane to me!
--Syms, Trinity Place
Overheard by: Ben Lunsford
He Means Because He's a Warlock
Guy: You're how old? 27? Wow, I'm old.
Chick: Why, how old are you?
Guy: 35. If this was 1000 years ago, I'd be dead by now.
--Office, 51st & Park
Overheard by: Shannon
She Wants Someone to Share Her Bowl
Little girl: You know who has a weird name?
Mom: You mean an unusual name?
Little girl: Yes. The librarian. Her name is Constance.
Mom: Oh, that's an old name, like yours: Sadie.
Little girl: But they're bringing it back. I hear a lot of people in the park say, "Come, Sadie!" Especially to golden retrievers. That's why I'm begging you to get me a dog.
--D train
That is His Current Profession
Guy #1: I met Cary Grant the actor once; what a nice man he was.
Guy #2: As opposed to Cary Grant, not-the-actor?
--Marriott Marquis elevator, Times Square
Overheard by: ginger petunia
I Always Wondered About Mike and Rudy
Guy #1: So I'm trying to set Anthony up with this girl.
Guy #2: Wait a minute, I thought Anthony was gay.
Guy #1: Everybody does, but he's not. He just has a slight lisp.
--Pazza Note, 56th & 6th
Overheard by: El Cubano
Hobo: Of course Bloomberg is fucking gay. All the gays are Republican.
--3rd Avenue & 11th Street
Overheard by: Jim Ed Tabors
So Does She, He Hoped
Little white girl: Hey, that's a cool pack.
Little black boy: Thanks! Have you ever taken the D train?
Little white girl: No.
Little black boy: It goes all the way to Africa.
--6 train
Overheard by: Nick Kindelsperger
#14: The Washington Monument
Jessica Cutler: Twelve of my last sixteen boyfriends were Jewish.
--Happy Ending, Broome Street
That Also Applies to Pills
Girl #1: Whoa, there's a 7 train?
Girl #2: Yeah!
Girl #2: It's purple, we have to take it!
--6 train
Overheard by: eliza tulip
That's What They're Calling Anal Now
Girl #1: I love a little ethnicity...in the penis!
Girl #2: Totally, I heart the foreigners. The best I've ever had was a Frenchie.
Drunk guy: What? Hold on. You fucked a scrunchie?
--Houston & A
Wednesday One-liners Are Captive-bred
Guy: I'm so horny, I would fuck a mule...but only if it gave me head first.
--7 train
Overheard by: Ron Jackson
Wednesday One-liners for the Mishpokhe
Father: It's a little boy just like you, except you're a little girl.
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Broc Morten
Wednesday One-liner Brought a Half Keg
Girl: I should just drink a lot, like, a lot a lot a lot, and see what happens.
--12th & 3rd
Wednesday One-liners Aren't the Sharpest Knife
Chick: Yeah, this book, Lions and Witches and shit; I like to read weird shit and send it to my boyfriend in jail.
--2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Amanda Morante
...With a Side Order of Wednesday One-liners
Chick: Ugh....Just remind me to never eat Taco Bell on an empty stomach.
--Lorimer Street/Metropolitan Avenue station
A Prescription of Wednesday One-liners
Old lady: I'm telling you: she's allergic to snow!
--28th & Park
Overheard by: Eliot Glazer
Wednesday One-liners Are Quick to Thrown Down
Little girl: I'm tired of thinking about ponies! Now it's time to kill!
--Park Slope
Wednesday One-liners Shoot Skeet
Hobo: Man invented the condom so that the woman would stop trying to steal his DNA.
--F train
Overheard by: Caroline Duncan
Wednesday One-liners Bear a Resemblance
Tween boy: They all kind of look like hipsters.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: ben wg
That's the Ticket, Wednesday One-liners
Man on cell: Yeah, I'm going to see a farce tonight...It's gonna be awesome. Wait, what's a farce? That's a comedy, right? Right?
--46th & 8th
Overheard by: Chad
Wednesday One-liners Rev Her Engine
Dude: What? So moving furniture didn't turn you on?
--Spring & Lafayette
Overheard by: Thoms
Wednesday One-liners, Hosted by Casey Kasem
Guy: So what songs do you have on your iPod?
--3rd Avenue & 10th Street
Overheard by: jessica castro
The Correct Answer Is "Fermented Abortion"
Guy #1: All right, we're going to play the Canal Street Game.
Guy #2: What's the Canal Street Game?
Guy #1: It's also called "Name That Smell".
--6 train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
If Your Shit's Breathing, Please Consult a Doctor
Girl #1: I don't think I can afford to breathe in here.
Girl #2: Fucking hobos and shit breathe in here. I'm sure you're fine.
--Saks Fifth Avenue
The Time Traveler is Genuinely Disoriented
Guy: You go ahead, take that seat.
Girl: No, that's okay, I'm getting off soon.
Guy: So am I! Take it.
Hobo: What's all this nicey-nice bullshit? Where are we, fucking Michigan? Fucking England?
--1 train
Overheard by: Emily Borgen
Five Minutes Until Mutual Handjobs
Guy #1: Dude, I know this is kinda gay, but I played The Sims last night naked and it was awesome.
Guy #2: Oh, that's solid. I watch TV naked all the time. Not recently, though. I've been studying for my econ midterm constantly, and you can't be naked in the library.
Guy #1: That sucks, 'cause it's like...being naked just always feels better.
Guy #2: Totally. Ceteris paribus, I say, "do it naked."
--Columbia University
It's Time for NYC Short Stories
Guy #1: What time is it?
Guy #2: One o'clock.
Guy #1: What? How long has it been one?
Guy #2: Less than a minute?
--57th & Lexington
Mom: Hey! If you're hungry I'll buy you a hot dog. Don't bite your brother...Hey! What did I just tell you?
She flicks his ear; he yelps.
Mom: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
--Stop & Shop, Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Chris B
A woman gets on the train and begs for money. She is upset that other people ask for money and spend it on the wrong things. She promises she is being sincere and that she isn't going to spend it on drugs; she needs it to buy food for her 93 day old baby.
Four days later the same woman gets on the train, telling how she is being honest and needs the money to buy food. Only now she claims her baby is 76 days old.
Funny how she's begging for money, when she should really just sell that time machine.
--Q train
Overheard by: Jill
Guy: Hey man, wanna make some quick money moving some equipment for me?
Hobo: I don't have time right now.
--30th & 7th
Overheard by: theallegedother
Embarrassment Took Care of the Other Two
Professor guy: Does anyone know who the celebrity advocate is for sickle cell anemia? Come on people, you can't be less hip than me.
NYU girl: T-Boz.
Professor guy: That's right! T-Boz! From what group?
NYU girl: TLC.
Professor guy: Yeah, TLC! And in case you don't know who they are...
He puts a picture of TLC on the overhea[r]d projector.
Professor guy: I actually have their CD. I put it on at home when I feel like getting jiggy with it. I thought we'd listen to it while you work. Not I Don't Want No Scrubs, partly because I don't know what that means.
--Silver Building, Waverly Place
Little Kids Speak Fist Better Than English
Toddler boy: Wah! I want Mommy!
Babysitter chick: I want you to shut the fuck up.
--L train
Overheard by: RAZE ONE
iDiot
Girl #1: Um, excuse me? Excuse me?...Excuse me, I need to get out here...Excuse me, I need to get out here.
Girl #2: Don't fucking push me!
Girl #1: I said "excuse me," you stupid fucking bitch! And by the way, your music sucks!
--L train
Overheard by: Lilit
The Cops Are Always Looking for Hot Tips
Guy #1: So she painted her nipples red.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: I dunno, I guess it looks good on the police report.
--Pratt
A Black Hole Isn't a Universe
Girl #1: You talk like you're from an entirely other universe.
Girl #2: I am. It's called Los Angeles!
--1st Avenue & 6th Street
Overheard by: miss dubin
"Oh...Then, want me to check your prostate?"
Guy #1: Do you have a light?
Guy #2: I don't think you should smoke, this is a cancer walk.
Guy #1: Yes, but it's not for lung cancer.
--South Street Seaport
It's Actually Just the Sheepshead Bay
Girl #1: I have the best view of the Hudson River from my bedroom window.
Girl #2: Oh, did you move to the West Side?
Girl #1: Um, no. I still live on the East Side.
Girl #2: You mean the East River?
Girl #1: Whatever, you're not invited.
--University & 10th
That's What Makes Them Grow
Guy: You always shit on my plants.
Girl: You fuckin' shit on your own plants, asshole.
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ronen Trigoli
She Thinks "Hyphenate" Means Buttsex
Girl #1: She wouldn't even take his name?
Girl #2: And she even refused to hyphenate? That's ridiculous.
--6 train
No, That's Why She Got Hep C
Woman: That's enough pushing, people. I'm pregnant and I'm nice and tight up in here.
Guy: That's why you got pregnant!
--6 train
Overheard by: john chianese
No Birth Control, Money or Food Problems There
Teen boy #1: Does your mom know you're going to the Nine Inch Nails concert?
Teen girl #1: I just turned 15, my mom would shit if she knew I was going to the Nine Inch Nails concert. I told her I was going to miss my PSAT class because you had a surprise for me for my birthday. She thinks you are taking me out for dinner.
Teen girl #2: What will you tell her when you get home after midnight?
Teen girl #1: I don't know.
Teen boy #2: Tell her that he took you to a Broadway show.
They discuss theater.
Teen girl #1: Oh, I'd love to go to a Broadway show, can you take me sometime?
Teen boy #1: No, that would cost like $500.
Teen girl #2: My parents aren't even home, they went on a cruise.
Teen girl #1: Can we go on a cruise?
Teen boy #2: A cruise is expensive; it costs like $3,000 a person.
Teen girl #2: It doesn't cost that much.
Teen boy #2: Well, I don't know how much it costs, but it fucking costs a lot.
Teen boy #1: Do you have the money for the tickets?
Teen girl #1: No, I only have like $6. I forgot to take my wallet, my lunch and my birth control.
Woman: Let's raise our kids in the Philippines.
--LIRR
That Means He Knows How to Get Women
Boss guy: I'll meet you at Seebo at 5:30.
Design guy: Um...I think it's pronounced "Chee-bo." C-I-B-O. It's Italian.
Boss guy: What do I know? I'm a Viking.
--Office, Hanover Square
Overheard by: R.S.
This Routine Killed at the Kindergarten
Girl: Have some! Please!
Guy: Uh, no. I hate bananas.
Girl: Come on! This shit is bananas! B-a-n-a-n-a-s!
Guy: B-a-n-a-no.
--Chat 'n' Chew, East 16th Street
Then They Shouldn't Be Showing Off
Two guys are waiting for the train inside the turnstyle when a group behind them start waving their hands and making weird noises.
Guy #1: People are so fucking crazy. I'm always around crazy people.
Guy #2: Uh...they're deaf. And mute.
--Christopher Street station
Do You Believe in Soulmates?
Yuppie man #1: Hey, John is going to be in town tomorrow night, we're all going to go out
Yuppie man #2: Oh shit, I can't go. I've got a date tomorrow night.
Yuppie man #1: What? Are you serious? Fuck the date, man.
Yuppie man #2: No, yeah. I know, that's exactly what I got to do.
--Riviera Cafe and Sports Bar, W. 4th Street
Drunk girl: I need to put on lipstick.
Sober guy: Why?
Drunk girl: Because I have a guy coming to see me...he has hair and is taller than me.
--56th & 9th
Seems Bats Lose Their Sonar When They Get Old
Old woman: Excuse me officer, could you please tell me where the New Jersey Transit trains are?
Cop lady: Up the stairs and make a left, can't miss 'em.
Old woman: Which stairs?
Cop lady: Turn around.
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cop lady: Yeah, head up those stairs and make a left, there will be another officer up there behind the podium.
Old woman: So I only go up the one flight?
Cop lady: There is only one flight...Go up the stairs...when you get to the top...make a left.
Old woman: So I'm making a right, then going up the stairs...
Man: Jesus Christ, the fucking cop just told you like forty times! Are you fucking retarded? Go up the stairs, make a right!
Old woman: Well, wasn't he rude!
Cop lady: Ma'am, would you like me to walk you up there?
Old woman: Oh no, I'll be fine, thank you.
Cop lady: Have a nice day, ma'am.
The old woman then proceeded to walk in the completely opposite direction. Cop lady held it in for about 5 seconds before laughing.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: mshorty
The Comics Section is a Real Gas
Girl #1: ...and I went on the American Nazi Party website, and it's--
Girl #2: I know! It's hysterical.
--26th & Park
Overheard by: Kevin Stone
The Filming of Back to School II
Eddie Izzard: We've explored space, but we haven't drilled down. You all remember Journey to the Center of the Earth. Why don't we just drill down to the center and see the...what's it called?
Guy: Magma.
Eddie Izzard: Yeah, we'll get a heat resistant camera and we'll see the magma. And they'll make a documentary--
Guy: It wouldn't work.
Eddie Izzard: Eh?
Guy: The density would be too intense.
Eddie Izzard: No, we would take the rocks out behind us--
Guy: No, the air would be too dense. As you approach the center of
the earth, the density of the air increases.
Eddie Izzard: But what if you took the rocks out?
Guy: No, the air would still be too dense.
Eddie Izzard: Oh, well I guess you would know better than I. You must be some sort of scientist?
Guy: Actually, I'm an actor...but I took science class.
--The Village Theatre, Bleecker Street
If You Drank It You Wouldn't Get Pregnant
Girl #1: I didn't know I was pregnant for, like, 4 weeks.
Girl #2: Seriously?
Girl #1: Yeah, and you know I drank a shitload in that time.
--Rockefeller Plaza