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December 2005 Archives
Not Exactly Cutting It Close
Girl #1: I can't believe last year you had a boyfriend and this year you have a girlfriend! It's like so nasty.
Girl #2: Oh please, next year you're going to have a girlfriend too.
Girl #1: Hell no I ain't. I made it through last year without a girlfriend and I'll make it through this year too!
--6 train
Overheard by: Kimberly
The Father of the Year 2005 Nominees
Doorman #1: You know what I get to do with her? Besides cuddle, I mean. You know what I do?
Doorman #2: What?
Doorman #1: I get to expose my penis to her.
--43rd & 5th
That's Why God Uses It as Punishment
Girl #1: You're going off the pill? What about STDs and AIDS?
Girl #2: Yeah, and babies!
Girl #1: STDs and AIDS are worse than babies.
Girl #2: True.
--Madison & 26th
Overheard by: K8
Girl #1: ...It's so scary how time flies.
Girl #2: You know what's even scarier than that?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: AIDS.
--68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Anne O.
Her New Resolution is to Watch Memento
Guy: So...did you make any resolutions for the new year?
Girl: Ummm...I had one...but...I forgot it.
Guy: You forgot it? How do you expect to follow through on it if you already forgot it before the new year even starts?
Girl: I think it had something to do with me being neurotic.
--Bamiyan, East 26th Street
Overheard by: Nik G
Hobo's Quick with the Puns
Hobo: So you two ladies want to go with me, I have a room at the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Are you sure?
Girl #2: Please leave us alone.
Hobo: Okay, I'm a gentleman. See, I'm going to leave you alone. So will you come with me to the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Okay. See I'm a gentleman, I'm going to leave you alone. You have a nice night.
Girl #1: Bye.
Hobo: Don't fucking patronize me!
--32nd & 2nd
Wait Until Overheard Gets to 2006
Crazy guy: 3 fucking white kids talking to a chink.
Chick #1: Little does he know that's not the most offensive thing we've heard tonight.
Chick #2: Yeah, by comparison it was politically correct.
Chick #1: Yeah, it was kinda a relief.
--4 train
Hobo: This shit happens now! Y2K my ass, the world will end this New Year's Day, 2006! Coming to a theatre near you...
--A train
Overheard by: Nina
"The 'W' stands for 'weally'!"
Woman: They need to play more Rufus Wainwright. I only hear him on WFUV.
Man: Don't you mean W-G-A-Y?
Woman: Oh, that was tactful.
--Spade's Noodles, Rice & More, 3rd Avenue
Get It All Out Before 2006
MC guy: Okay everyone, I need a verb!
Girl: Crysturbate!
MC guy: Cry...what?
Girl: It's like, when you're sad and you masturbate!
--Kimmel Center, Washington Square South
Overheard by: Athena
Woman: ...so, I wasn't sure if I wanted to masturbate or cry!
--Comfort Diner, West 23rd Street
It Has a Disproportionate Influence on Other Smells
Girl: Can you press 8, please?
The guy does so. The doors open to let him off on the 3rd floor, and the scent of hannukah latkes fills the elevator.
Girl: Smells like Judaism here.
--Elevator, Columbus between 95th & 96th
Overheard by: Jayson Littman
The Toe-curling Orgasms Are Sure a Plus
Dude #1: So it's either lots of bran every day, or just wake up to a cigarette and coffee. Works for me every time.
Dude #2: So there's a health benefit to your vices, huh?
Dude #1: I guess so.
Dude #2: I wonder if gay guys have good shits. Maybe that's a benefit of anal sex.
Dude #1: I'll stick to cigarettes and coffee, thanks.
--Starbucks, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: iiams
Depends on If You Make Your Saving Throw
Girl #1: We only fucked for like 2 minutes.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: He has ADD.
Girl #2: Is that, like, when the person has more than one personality?
Girl #1: No, I wish. Role playing would be a lot easier.
--Hunter College North-West bridge
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
eBay Has Missionaries Now
Guy #1: Hey, is your guitar nice?
Guy #2: Yeah, it's pretty nice.
Guy #1: I'll take your word for it. I'm gonna get $300 for it in about an hour.
--F train
"Then whose wallet did I lift?"
Guy: So he finally got the guy away from the mark.
Girl: Wait, who's the mark?
Guy: The new guy she's fucking.
--14th & 8th
Seems He Wouldn't Have a Problem with That
Girl: I'm just worried that she's going to be scary. I mean, talk about Bible stories, but not the Devil, or going to hell. They're 5 year olds.
Guy: I wouldn't worry about that.
Girl: Just, you know, some Christians are crazy.
Guy: I'm more worried that they'll want to be naked and she'll be offended.
--1 train
Overheard by: Nadine
"Well, you speak in oxymorons!"
Girl: I'm feeling a little Rubenesque today.
Guy: Ruben Studdard?
Girl: You're a dipshit.
--72nd & Columbus
The Back Seat Driver Only Knows Stick
Chick: You should do it the right way, nigga. You should register that shit yo'self.
Guy: Fuck you, bitch. I'ma find somebody from my church to help me out, and that bitch gonna be suckin' my dick in the back seat, not you.
--DMV, Staten Island
It's Not Exactly Rocket Science
Man: Yeah, I was a rocket scientist, but I gave it all up three months ago and became a photographer.
Waiter: I became a ninja.
--Ninja New York, Hudson Street
Overheard by: Chris Thompson
"...on television, I mean."
Girl #1: He did what you told him to do?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: So you stabbed him?
Girl #2: With scissors.
Girl #1: You can't do that!
--G train
"The guy who publishes Overheard? Really?"
Woman #1: Guess who I sat next to at dinner last night?
Woman #2: I have no clue. Jimmy Fallon?
Woman #1: No. Denzel Washington!
Woman #2: Omigod!
Woman #1: I know, I love him!
Woman #2: I loved him as God in Bruce Almighty. That was him, wasn't it?
Woman #1: No, that was Morgan Freeman, you dumb fuck.
--45th Street 7th & 8th
It's Not Gay if You Blow for Blow Money
Guy #1: You don't have one gay relative?
Guy #2: Well, maybe my junkie cousin.
--7th Street & 2nd Avenue
We Drink to Freedom Toast Here
Drunk guy: Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead.
Drunk girl: What's that mean?
Drunk guy: It's an Irish toast.
Drunk girl: Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.
Drunk guy: Huh?
Drunk girl: That's French toast.
--Stoned Crow, Washington Place
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
That Part Being His Mind
Guy #1: Yeah, so he said he's been in like 30 orgies or something.
Guy #2: So he's part gay, then?
--Big Daddy's Diner, Park Avenue South
Overheard by: reggae sarkar
When You're in Her, You're Family
Girl: What about that one ugly girl?
Guy: Man, she is so ugly. I would not touch that shit.
Girl: But you already fucked her!
Guy: Yeah, but it was only once. And I used a rubber.
Guy: You're an ugly cheating cocksucking whore; you're a fucking ugly slut. But you know why I stay with you? We have compatible personalities.
Guy: I hate that bitch. I want to fuck her in the ass.
Girl: But baby, you like to fuck me in the ass.
Guy: Yeah baby, but you like it when I fuck you in the ass.
Girl: Yeah, it doesn't hurt so bad when you remember to breathe.
Girl: So when we get married are you gonna stop fucking my sister?
Guy: But I've been fucking her for a while now...It's like a habit.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: helen r.
In Other Words, Fiercetarded
Punk guy #1: That was fierce.
Punk guy #2: Fierce like Tyra Banks.
--Knitting Factory, Leonard Street
Overheard by: Holly Kaye
Man's Worst Friend
Chick #1: My underwear's so cute! It's got a bulldog on it.
Chick #2: Why's it got a bulldog on it?
Chick #1: It's so cute, it's protecting my vagina from intruders.
--Loews Lincoln Square ladies' room, West 68th Street
Overheard by: emily
I Hate It When Mom and Dad Fight
Guy: Hey, if you're gonna pee you could at least find someone to clean it up. Did you hear me? If you're gonna urinate on the street, you could at least find someone to clean up after you!
Hobo: How about you go fuck yourself, motherfucker? How about that?
--Murray & West Broadway
Overheard by: Cait
A Mini, No Doubt
Guy: Hey, they have some with a vibrating cock ring!
Girl: Our sex life is complicated enough already.
Guy: But you know how I love little electronic gadgets.
Girl: I'll buy you an iPod.
--Duane Reade, 7th Street & 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Calliope
Oaf's Got His Hawaiian Shirt Ready to Go
Girl: So I'm gonna be doing this punch thing
Guy: Oh...yeah, I heard about that. Yeah, like, that punch was making a comeback.
Girl: Oh yeah, like, punch is really trendy.
--F train
Yo Momma So Dumb, She Fail a Pregnancy Test
Girl #1: So I'm like 3 months late and I have no idea what to do about it.
Girl #2: Well, you have to take a pregnancy test!
Girl #1: No, those things are so hard!
Girl #2: How fucking hard can it be to pee on a stick?
Girl #1: Pretty fucking hard!
--Manhattan Beach
Just Don't Spell It "Heil"
Law chick #1: I assume you passed the corporate accounting exam?
Law guy: Yeah, somehow. I couldn't get the balance sheet to add up so I just added $130,000 in cash to assets to make it balance. It was a total Hail Mary but it worked...Wait, can you do a Hail Mary at a Jewish law school?
Law chick #2: Sure you can. There's less interference.
--Cardozo School of Law, 12th & 5th
Everyone Loves Mary Kay
Guy #1: Why you wanna fuck wit dat shit?
Guy #2: You are stupid, nigga! 'Cause it's safe to sell without a handgun.
--A train
Pandora Can't Get a Break
Guy #1: So I was talkin' to him 'bout his sister--
Guy #2: Yo man, that chick is so fine.
Guy #1: Man, I know what you mean. But she naive, you know? She don't know how fine she is.
Guy #2: Yeah. Naive.
Guy #1: But then she had the nerve to touch his boxes. What chick touches a guy's boxes? She got an ugly soul.
--E train
Overheard by: Suzie
Conflict Fuels Wednesday One-liners
Suit on cell: ...and I appreciate that. Now get out of my house before I have you arrested.
--Penn Station
An Assault of Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Yo, I didn't touch you. Did I touch you? No, I didn't. If I put my hand in your pocket, that's not touching you.
--1 train
Overheard by: Isaiah Tanenbaum
Wednesday One-liners and the Boy Parts
Chick: ...and I was like, "Suck my dick!" Fuck that!
--Thompson between Prince & Spring
Overheard by: heidi joy schmid
Wednesday One-liners, Clothing Optional
Old woman: I was only a bridesmaid once, and the dresses were just impossible. The color was this menopause blue!
--Jojo, East 64th Street
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
Wednesday One-liners for Jung
Hobo: I was talking to my therapist and she said, "Would you rather hurt yourself or someone else?" And I started to say "myself" but then I thought she didn't want to hear that. So I told her that I would hurt someone else. That seemed more sane.
--1 train
Overheard by: James Gillece
Wednesday One-liners Aren't Thugs
Bus driver: This bus service sucks! I can vouch for that.
--Q39 bus
Wednesday One-liners M.D.
Chick: I got drunk and forgot to take out my last tampon; when the doctor fished it out it was all gray and smelled like Alpo.
--6 train
Wednesday One-liners Get Paid for It
Girl on cell: No, I am a dirty whore, but I'm a law student; I'm a smart dirty whore.
--51st & 2nd
Wednesday One-liners Just Work Here
Store chick: I got a high school ring, and it was the biggest regret of my life.
--NYU Professional Bookstore, LaGuardia Place
Overheard by: andrew