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December 2005 Archives
Not Exactly Cutting It Close
Girl #1: I can't believe last year you had a boyfriend and this year you have a girlfriend! It's like so nasty.
Girl #2: Oh please, next year you're going to have a girlfriend too.
Girl #1: Hell no I ain't. I made it through last year without a girlfriend and I'll make it through this year too!
--6 train
Overheard by: Kimberly
The Father of the Year 2005 Nominees
Doorman #1: You know what I get to do with her? Besides cuddle, I mean. You know what I do?
Doorman #2: What?
Doorman #1: I get to expose my penis to her.
--43rd & 5th
That's Why God Uses It as Punishment
Girl #1: You're going off the pill? What about STDs and AIDS?
Girl #2: Yeah, and babies!
Girl #1: STDs and AIDS are worse than babies.
Girl #2: True.
--Madison & 26th
Overheard by: K8
Girl #1: ...It's so scary how time flies.
Girl #2: You know what's even scarier than that?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: AIDS.
--68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Anne O.
Her New Resolution is to Watch Memento
Guy: So...did you make any resolutions for the new year?
Girl: Ummm...I had one...but...I forgot it.
Guy: You forgot it? How do you expect to follow through on it if you already forgot it before the new year even starts?
Girl: I think it had something to do with me being neurotic.
--Bamiyan, East 26th Street
Overheard by: Nik G
Hobo's Quick with the Puns
Hobo: So you two ladies want to go with me, I have a room at the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Are you sure?
Girl #2: Please leave us alone.
Hobo: Okay, I'm a gentleman. See, I'm going to leave you alone. So will you come with me to the Plaza?
Girl #1: No.
Hobo: Okay. See I'm a gentleman, I'm going to leave you alone. You have a nice night.
Girl #1: Bye.
Hobo: Don't fucking patronize me!
--32nd & 2nd
Wait Until Overheard Gets to 2006
Crazy guy: 3 fucking white kids talking to a chink.
Chick #1: Little does he know that's not the most offensive thing we've heard tonight.
Chick #2: Yeah, by comparison it was politically correct.
Chick #1: Yeah, it was kinda a relief.
--4 train
Hobo: This shit happens now! Y2K my ass, the world will end this New Year's Day, 2006! Coming to a theatre near you...
--A train
Overheard by: Nina
"The 'W' stands for 'weally'!"
Woman: They need to play more Rufus Wainwright. I only hear him on WFUV.
Man: Don't you mean W-G-A-Y?
Woman: Oh, that was tactful.
--Spade's Noodles, Rice & More, 3rd Avenue
Get It All Out Before 2006
MC guy: Okay everyone, I need a verb!
Girl: Crysturbate!
MC guy: Cry...what?
Girl: It's like, when you're sad and you masturbate!
--Kimmel Center, Washington Square South
Overheard by: Athena
Woman: ...so, I wasn't sure if I wanted to masturbate or cry!
--Comfort Diner, West 23rd Street
It Has a Disproportionate Influence on Other Smells
Girl: Can you press 8, please?
The guy does so. The doors open to let him off on the 3rd floor, and the scent of hannukah latkes fills the elevator.
Girl: Smells like Judaism here.
--Elevator, Columbus between 95th & 96th
Overheard by: Jayson Littman
The Toe-curling Orgasms Are Sure a Plus
Dude #1: So it's either lots of bran every day, or just wake up to a cigarette and coffee. Works for me every time.
Dude #2: So there's a health benefit to your vices, huh?
Dude #1: I guess so.
Dude #2: I wonder if gay guys have good shits. Maybe that's a benefit of anal sex.
Dude #1: I'll stick to cigarettes and coffee, thanks.
--Starbucks, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: iiams
Depends on If You Make Your Saving Throw
Girl #1: We only fucked for like 2 minutes.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: He has ADD.
Girl #2: Is that, like, when the person has more than one personality?
Girl #1: No, I wish. Role playing would be a lot easier.
--Hunter College North-West bridge
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
eBay Has Missionaries Now
Guy #1: Hey, is your guitar nice?
Guy #2: Yeah, it's pretty nice.
Guy #1: I'll take your word for it. I'm gonna get $300 for it in about an hour.
--F train
"Then whose wallet did I lift?"
Guy: So he finally got the guy away from the mark.
Girl: Wait, who's the mark?
Guy: The new guy she's fucking.
--14th & 8th
Seems He Wouldn't Have a Problem with That
Girl: I'm just worried that she's going to be scary. I mean, talk about Bible stories, but not the Devil, or going to hell. They're 5 year olds.
Guy: I wouldn't worry about that.
Girl: Just, you know, some Christians are crazy.
Guy: I'm more worried that they'll want to be naked and she'll be offended.
--1 train
Overheard by: Nadine
"Well, you speak in oxymorons!"
Girl: I'm feeling a little Rubenesque today.
Guy: Ruben Studdard?
Girl: You're a dipshit.
--72nd & Columbus
The Back Seat Driver Only Knows Stick
Chick: You should do it the right way, nigga. You should register that shit yo'self.
Guy: Fuck you, bitch. I'ma find somebody from my church to help me out, and that bitch gonna be suckin' my dick in the back seat, not you.
--DMV, Staten Island
It's Not Exactly Rocket Science
Man: Yeah, I was a rocket scientist, but I gave it all up three months ago and became a photographer.
Waiter: I became a ninja.
--Ninja New York, Hudson Street
Overheard by: Chris Thompson
"...on television, I mean."
Girl #1: He did what you told him to do?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: So you stabbed him?
Girl #2: With scissors.
Girl #1: You can't do that!
--G train
"The guy who publishes Overheard? Really?"
Woman #1: Guess who I sat next to at dinner last night?
Woman #2: I have no clue. Jimmy Fallon?
Woman #1: No. Denzel Washington!
Woman #2: Omigod!
Woman #1: I know, I love him!
Woman #2: I loved him as God in Bruce Almighty. That was him, wasn't it?
Woman #1: No, that was Morgan Freeman, you dumb fuck.
--45th Street 7th & 8th
It's Not Gay if You Blow for Blow Money
Guy #1: You don't have one gay relative?
Guy #2: Well, maybe my junkie cousin.
--7th Street & 2nd Avenue
We Drink to Freedom Toast Here
Drunk guy: Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead.
Drunk girl: What's that mean?
Drunk guy: It's an Irish toast.
Drunk girl: Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.
Drunk guy: Huh?
Drunk girl: That's French toast.
--Stoned Crow, Washington Place
Overheard by: Gradie Smith
That Part Being His Mind
Guy #1: Yeah, so he said he's been in like 30 orgies or something.
Guy #2: So he's part gay, then?
--Big Daddy's Diner, Park Avenue South
Overheard by: reggae sarkar
When You're in Her, You're Family
Girl: What about that one ugly girl?
Guy: Man, she is so ugly. I would not touch that shit.
Girl: But you already fucked her!
Guy: Yeah, but it was only once. And I used a rubber.
Guy: You're an ugly cheating cocksucking whore; you're a fucking ugly slut. But you know why I stay with you? We have compatible personalities.
Guy: I hate that bitch. I want to fuck her in the ass.
Girl: But baby, you like to fuck me in the ass.
Guy: Yeah baby, but you like it when I fuck you in the ass.
Girl: Yeah, it doesn't hurt so bad when you remember to breathe.
Girl: So when we get married are you gonna stop fucking my sister?
Guy: But I've been fucking her for a while now...It's like a habit.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: helen r.
In Other Words, Fiercetarded
Punk guy #1: That was fierce.
Punk guy #2: Fierce like Tyra Banks.
--Knitting Factory, Leonard Street
Overheard by: Holly Kaye
Man's Worst Friend
Chick #1: My underwear's so cute! It's got a bulldog on it.
Chick #2: Why's it got a bulldog on it?
Chick #1: It's so cute, it's protecting my vagina from intruders.
--Loews Lincoln Square ladies' room, West 68th Street
Overheard by: emily
I Hate It When Mom and Dad Fight
Guy: Hey, if you're gonna pee you could at least find someone to clean it up. Did you hear me? If you're gonna urinate on the street, you could at least find someone to clean up after you!
Hobo: How about you go fuck yourself, motherfucker? How about that?
--Murray & West Broadway
Overheard by: Cait
A Mini, No Doubt
Guy: Hey, they have some with a vibrating cock ring!
Girl: Our sex life is complicated enough already.
Guy: But you know how I love little electronic gadgets.
Girl: I'll buy you an iPod.
--Duane Reade, 7th Street & 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Calliope
Oaf's Got His Hawaiian Shirt Ready to Go
Girl: So I'm gonna be doing this punch thing
Guy: Oh...yeah, I heard about that. Yeah, like, that punch was making a comeback.
Girl: Oh yeah, like, punch is really trendy.
--F train
Yo Momma So Dumb, She Fail a Pregnancy Test
Girl #1: So I'm like 3 months late and I have no idea what to do about it.
Girl #2: Well, you have to take a pregnancy test!
Girl #1: No, those things are so hard!
Girl #2: How fucking hard can it be to pee on a stick?
Girl #1: Pretty fucking hard!
--Manhattan Beach
Just Don't Spell It "Heil"
Law chick #1: I assume you passed the corporate accounting exam?
Law guy: Yeah, somehow. I couldn't get the balance sheet to add up so I just added $130,000 in cash to assets to make it balance. It was a total Hail Mary but it worked...Wait, can you do a Hail Mary at a Jewish law school?
Law chick #2: Sure you can. There's less interference.
--Cardozo School of Law, 12th & 5th
Everyone Loves Mary Kay
Guy #1: Why you wanna fuck wit dat shit?
Guy #2: You are stupid, nigga! 'Cause it's safe to sell without a handgun.
--A train
Pandora Can't Get a Break
Guy #1: So I was talkin' to him 'bout his sister--
Guy #2: Yo man, that chick is so fine.
Guy #1: Man, I know what you mean. But she naive, you know? She don't know how fine she is.
Guy #2: Yeah. Naive.
Guy #1: But then she had the nerve to touch his boxes. What chick touches a guy's boxes? She got an ugly soul.
--E train
Overheard by: Suzie
Conflict Fuels Wednesday One-liners
Suit on cell: ...and I appreciate that. Now get out of my house before I have you arrested.
--Penn Station
An Assault of Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Yo, I didn't touch you. Did I touch you? No, I didn't. If I put my hand in your pocket, that's not touching you.
--1 train
Overheard by: Isaiah Tanenbaum
Wednesday One-liners and the Boy Parts
Chick: ...and I was like, "Suck my dick!" Fuck that!
--Thompson between Prince & Spring
Overheard by: heidi joy schmid
Wednesday One-liners, Clothing Optional
Old woman: I was only a bridesmaid once, and the dresses were just impossible. The color was this menopause blue!
--Jojo, East 64th Street
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
Wednesday One-liners for Jung
Hobo: I was talking to my therapist and she said, "Would you rather hurt yourself or someone else?" And I started to say "myself" but then I thought she didn't want to hear that. So I told her that I would hurt someone else. That seemed more sane.
--1 train
Overheard by: James Gillece
Wednesday One-liners Aren't Thugs
Bus driver: This bus service sucks! I can vouch for that.
--Q39 bus
Wednesday One-liners M.D.
Chick: I got drunk and forgot to take out my last tampon; when the doctor fished it out it was all gray and smelled like Alpo.
--6 train
Wednesday One-liners Get Paid for It
Girl on cell: No, I am a dirty whore, but I'm a law student; I'm a smart dirty whore.
--51st & 2nd
Wednesday One-liners Just Work Here
Store chick: I got a high school ring, and it was the biggest regret of my life.
--NYU Professional Bookstore, LaGuardia Place
Overheard by: andrew
Wednesday One-liners From a Magical Place
Man: So yeah, he went away to a fairy commune, but I hear he's having a really good time.
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Gabriel and Lauren
Wednesday One-liners Are The Model Minority
Chick: When I get mad, my Koreanness comes out.
--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Lani A.
The Politics of Wednesday One-liners
Old man: It takes a student of human nature. You have to talk to people. You never know what it is you are talking to. You never know if that person just crawled out of a sewer.
--Elevator, Hudson & Broome
Overheard by: Rick Felice
Maybe You Should Work on Your Accent
Woman #1: My principal says you can get French lessons as an iPod.
Woman #2: An "iPod"?
Woman #1: Yeah...they're about 15 minutes long, they come on your computer, and they're free.
Woman #2: Hmm.
Woman #1: Wait, I mean a podcast.
Woman #2: "Podcast"? Sounds like it comes from aliens.
--Patisserie Claude, West 4th Street
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
In His Defense, They Were Alpha-Bits
Girl #1: Oh my god, I love my English teacher.
Guy: Why? He's so old!
Girl #1: He's so easy.
Girl #2: What? You guys had sex?
Girl #1: Nah! He passed me with a 90 and all I do in his class is eat
breakfast.
--G train
Overheard by: Faizun Nahar
She Got Her Lobotomy Playing Operation
"Actress" #1: I have tennis elbow.
"Actress" #2: You do?
"Actress" #1: ...Well, I don't know what tennis elbow is.
--Elevator, 37th & 8th
She's More Like Blanche Devereaux Every Day
Queer: Who's up there?
Woman: Madonna.
Queer: Oh, well, I figured, obviously. I'd recognize her back anywhere.
--Times Square
Queer: Oh my God, are they Voguing? That is so 1990.
--Times Square
She's Gonna Make a Great Abandoned Mom
Woman: I don't know. I think I might wind up being single forever. I guess sometimes I think maybe I should have had children.
Chick: Well, you can have one of mine. If I have any, that is.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Kara
The Postal Service Handled the Supplies
Hipster girl: I though she was like, moving to Africa or some shit to save the children or something.
Hipster boy: Well that didn't happen. She moved to Williamsburg to save the trendy from hurting themselves with accessories.
--Happy Valley, East 27th Street
They Like to Summer in Vail
Chick #1: You know if I was going to be homeless, I wouldn't choose New York. I'd go someplace warm.
Chick #2: Yeah, I'd go to Florida.
Chick #1: Or New Orleans. Well, not now, but it would have been good.
Chick #2: At least Myrtle Beach.
Chick #1: Yeah. If I were homeless I wouldn't stay here. I'd go to Aruba.
--58th & Lexington
Overheard by: Tricia Morall
They Hide the Clitoris in the Socket
Professor guy: You see, anamorphic art is all about perceptions; if you look at this image in the right way you'll see a skull.
Dude: I don't believe you.
Professor guy: Well then, I suggest you come and try to discover it yourself; it's like finding the G-spot, kids.
--Manhattan College
Overheard by: Boconnor
Baked with Christian Blood, or Split Hooves
Girl: Excuse me, is you popcorn kosher?
Counter guy: Um...I, ah, I dunno.
Girl: Do you even know what kosher means?
Counter guy: Hey, Geraldo. Is our popcorn kosher?
Geraldo: What the fuck's kosher?
--Loews 84th Street Theatre 6
Details, Esquire?
Guy #1: And do you know what else he does?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: He puts perfume in his pubes.
Guy #2: Oh, you know, I read about that in an article.
--Bleecker & Christopher
Overheard by: Mya
The DEVO is Always the Last to Know
Guy #1: Dude, where's your woman tonight?
Chick: Yeah, where is she?
Guy #2: She's back in Ohio breaking up with her boyfriend.
--112th & Amsterdam
Hence the Baseball Tickets
Guy #1: Before I forget, I got four Yankee tickets for us tomorrow night. I'm gonna bring my father.
Guy #2: Did you get these tickets from a scalper?
Guy #1: Yeah.
Guy #2: Well, the Yankees don't play in December. Neither does any other team. Baseball season ended almost two months ago, dumbass. You got fuckin duped. How much did you pay for these?
Guy #1: Ah, shit. Like a hundred bucks.
Guy #2: Dumbass.
Guy #1: Then why did my father ask me to get tickets for tomorrow night's game if they're not even playing?
Guy #2: I don't know. He's probably a dumbass like you. You're a whole family of dumbasses.
--Starbucks, 42nd & Broadway
Making Up for Lost Time
Conductor #1: Hey, hey! We're stopping here!
Conductor #2: No, we're not.
Conductor #1: Yes, we are! Stop here, we're stopping at this station!
Conductor #2: Too late. Next stop Hunters Point.
--7 train
He Was Riding a Young Buck Last Night
Girl #1: Did you like it?
Girl #2: Yeah. It was amazing.
Girl #1: What about Eric?
Girl #2: He wants to become a gay cowboy now.
--Mary Ann's Restaurant, 2nd Avenue & 5th Street
Overheard by: Overly Attentive Diner
The Elves Call Her "Iron Claus"
Girl #1: What do you mean she fired you?
Girl #2: The bitch fired me.
Girl #1: You should write a story about her; she's fucked up and now you can show her.
Girl #2: I've been writing a book about her since last Christmas.
Girl #1: Oh?
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm pissed I'm going to lose material filler now.
--Times Square
Here Comes Return Season
Guy: This sweater is huge!
Girl: Get fat.
Salesguy: Ha, ha! Wow, I needed that.
--Bloomingdale's, 59th & 3rd
Dude, That's Yesterday's News
Man: You wore red panties to your brother's funeral?
Woman: Yeah, I wore green shoes too...You wanna say something about it?
Man: Oh...very...Christmasy.
Woman: I thought you were Jewish?
Man: Well, I am. But I've heard of Christmas before!
--Canal & Mulberry
Have a Happy Kwanzaakkah!
Waiter: Hey, wassup? I'm Sean. What's your name?
Girl: Rebecca. Nice to meet you.
Waiter: And you, man?
Guy: Kwanzaa.
Waiter: Hey, by any change you are mixed with Jewish?
Guy: Er, no, everything but.
Waiter: Well...'cause, you know, I'm Jewish.
Guy: ...Okay.
Waiter: Uh, 'cause you know, Kwanzaa's a Jewish Holiday?
Girl: It is? Wow, I didn't know that.
--Diner 24, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: enkie
It Was So Obviously a Piece of Coal
Black woman: My god. This bagel is hard as a rock!...I mean I can't eat this shit. Can you eat this shit?
White guy: I'll eat it.
Black woman: Ugh.
White guy: Well if you dont want to eat it, I'll eat it. I'm hungry.
Black woman: I'm just sayin' it's the worst goddamn bagel I've ever had.
White guy: Honey, it's from Dunkin' Donuts. What do you expect? Domino's ain't good pizza and Olive Garden ain't good Italian, either.
White chick: Dude! Next thing I know you'll be telling her there is no Santa Claus. Go easy.
--Borough Hall 4/5 station
Overheard by: phil j
We Won't Take It Personally (Happy Hannukah!)
Hobo: Hi. My name's Lloyd. Most of you all know me by now. Yes, I'm still coaching basketball. I just wanted to say, have a happy holiday, and if you don't have change--
Man: It's happy Christmas, not happy holiday.
Hobo: You should know that some people don't celebrate Christmas.
Man: Fuck 'em.
--N train
...Goodwill to Men
Flagman: Hey man, why you drivin' over my orange cones?
SUV guy: I need to turn here.
Flagman: You can't; street's closed! There's a big ass crane coming down! See it?...What are you doing? You see that big ass crane? Why you rolling over my cones? It's dangerous. Street's closed!
SUV guy: I need to turn here and go down this street!
Flagman: You see that big ass crane? You wanna play chicken with that? Go one block down and come back on the other side. Take you five minutes.
SUV guy: But I need to turn here and go down this street! You can't block a street in New York, asshole!
Flagman: It's dangerous. Street's closed! Back up or get outta the damned truck. What's the matter with you? Get out of the damned car!
SUV guy: Damn it! Asshole.
Flagman: Damn! He rolled over my cones...Fuckin' Mercedes driver! Anybody else wanna play chicken with that big ass crane?
--48th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kevin W. Eaches
Charity mugger: Hey! My name's Lisa and I'd like to talk to you about donating to North Shore Animal League--
Guy: Let me be honest, Lisa. I work in customer service. That means for 8 hours a day, I have to be polite to everyone I speak with and this is my lunch hour. It's the one hour of my day where I'm not forced to be nice. I'm sure you're a nice girl, but why don't you fuck off?
--Broadway & Pine
Overheard by: Mr. X-mas Tree
Hobo: You mean to tell me no one else on this goddamn train has anything else to eat? I hope you all choke on your Christmas dinners!
--C train
Overheard by: MissHell
...Of Peace on Earth...
Guy: He's the biggest fucking asshole I ever met.
Chick: Yeah.
Guy: No, I'm serious. He's the biggest fucking asshole in existence. The biggest--
Chick: --fucking asshole--
Guy: --I ever seen. Biggest. Biggest fucking--
Chick: --asshole. I got it.
Guy: And I gave that fucker $500 to make payments on his debt, and he doesn't listen to word I say. And I gave his daughter something--
Chick: Herpes?
Guy: Shut the fuck up. Besides that. I gave his daughter...Hey, you gonna drink that? You throwin' that away? You don't throw away beer!
Chick: It's all backwash.
Guy: Give it to me.
Chick: You're disgusting.
Guy: Don't fucking talk to me like that.
Chick: Or you'll give me herpes?
Guy: Not yet. But just wait.
Chick: Don't you dare even try to touch me. Let's go get some smoothies.
Guy: I could use a fucking smoothie.
Chick: You're paying.
Guy: Shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch.
--Original California Taqueria, Cobble Hill
Woman #1: He stepped on my foot!...He stepped on my foot!...Excuse me, you stepped on my foot.
Guy: Yeah, I know I did. You dropped that bottle on my foot.
Woman #2: It was an accident...
Woman #1: Don't you see that my bag had a hole in it? It was an accident.
Guy: No, it wasn't.
Woman #1: Oh yes, I did it deliberately.
Guy: That's right you did.
Woman #1: Oh I'm so sorry I woke you from your precious sleep
Guy: Yeah, that's right.
--B train
A suit on his cell accidentally bumps into a drunk girl on the LIRR platform.
Drunk girl: Why don't you say "excuse me!" What the fuck? Just say "excuse me!".
He ignores her and continues to talk on his cell. The drunk girl dumps a cup of water on his crotch. He doesn't flinch.
Drunk girl: Yeah, bitch! Next time say "excuse me", and maybe your crotch won't be wet!
He finishes his conversation and gets on the train.
--Penn Station
Mixed guy: Getchoo elbow out my chest, man!
White man: Eh, I'm just holding onto the rail; it's a packed train.
Mixed guy: Yeah, but why you got to be all up in my chest like that? Got you elbow in my chest!
White man: Well, does it even hurt?
Mixed guy: Yes. Why else would I even mention it? Respect my chest. Faggoty ass motherfucker. I gonna get the police all up in this shit, you motherfucking...respect my chest.
Irish guy: Shut up, yeh prick!
--1 train
Overheard by: Marguerite Carter
...And Mild And Sweet The Words Repeat...
Woman: No thanks, the shoes just didn't look good on me.
Salesguy: Thanks for trying.
Woman: Uh, you're welcome?
--Steve Madden, East 86th Street
Overheard by: Lucy
Old man: Is this bench for young people or old people? Because I only sit with the young.
Woman: It's for everyone.
Old man: Well, since it's Christmastime, I'll sit with you.
--Roosevelt Island station
Overheard by: Suriya
...Their Old Familiar Carols Play...
Woman: We were playing Christmas music last night. If you listen to the words, a lot of those songs really mean something.
--Rockefeller Center
Yuppie girl #1: God, this train is so crowded.
Yuppie girl #2: I hate it when the train is packed like this.
Yuppie girl #1: I just want to shove people, but there's nowhere to shove them to, it's so crowded.
Guy: Whoa, peace on earth, goodwill toward men, everyone just settle down.
--1 train
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day...
Old lady #1: Even when they say "happy holidays" to me, I say "merry Christmas" back.
Old lady #2: Good for you.
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Kenneth Grider
Woman: So when is Christmas this year?
Man: Um. I think it's on Sunday this year.
Woman: No, I mean what date is it?
--Clinton Hill
Overheard by: Megan Winget
Get to Unironic Unwrapping, New York!
Hipster guy: Hey, can you wrap that?
Cashier guy: Sure.
Hipster guy: Do you have any funny wrapping paper that says stuff like "Sorry your dad died" or something?
Cashier guy: Uh...no.
Hipster guy: Oh, damn. Well, do you have anything funny or weird or something?
Cashier guy: Well, we have one with little kids riding big flying books through clouds shaped like cute little animals.
Hipster guy: Yeah, no, I don't think that will work. I don't need to wrap it, right?
Cashier guy: Uh...I guess not.
Hipster guy: I just wanted it to be special and funny, and like ironic.
Cashier guy: Well, you can urinate on it. That would be really special and downright hilarious.
Hipster guy: Uh....okay, I'll get the flying books paper.
--Barnes & Noble, 6th Avenue & 8th Street
Overheard by: m-co
Mithras to His Friends (Happy Birthday!)
Man #1: You can tell she loves her son.
Man #2: Who?
Man #1: Mary.
Man #2: Mary who?
Man #1: There.
Man #2: ...George, that's a painting of Mary and Jesus. Of course she loves her son.
--The Met
Hobo: Jesus is our savior! Worship him, he's done good things for us! He is the son of God!
Man: Sorry, what was that name again?
Hobo: Jesus! Jesus our savior!
Man: Oh, Jesus Christ?
Hobo: Yes, Jesus Christ.
Man: Oh, okay.
--A train
Guy: Somebody stole the baby Jesus! I'm appalled!
Hobo: Jesus isn't born until Christmas.
--Houston & Sullivan
We Agree with That Sentiment
Guy: Do you know that you have a cup of coffee on your roof?
Driver guy: Merry Christmas from Starbucks!
--Park Place & Church
Overheard by: Dirt "Chainsaw" Dog
Lady #1: Can you move?
Lady #2: I ain't movin' my cart! You shoulda waited for the next fucking train!
Lady #1: What? Do you care more about people or your cart?
Lady #2: Ma cart, bitch!
Lady #1: ...No, you are the bitch!
Lady #2: That's right, you da bitch!
Lady #1: This is my first train ride, this is fun!...And I learned a new word!
Man: Happy holidays, everyone!
--1 train
Woman #1: So she says, "I don't want to celebrate Christmas."
Woman #2: What, she worships the Devil now?
Woman #1: Yeah, I think so.
-Surprise Surprise, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Kat
Not a Creature was Stirring
Dude: There are about 20 mice running around the glassed-in area over there.
Store guy: Oh yeah. We know. Every Starbucks has mice.
Store chick: They're cute!
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: The Tep
Store guy: Welcome to K-mart! Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!
Woman: Yeah, whatever. Um, where do you have the rat poison?
--K-mart, East 8th Street
Overheard by: Aerialist
The Maids Ain't Milking Anymore
Businessman: Yeah, I had to fire like 8 people one Christmas eve.
Businesslady: Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
--Liberty & Nassau
Overheard by: Erika
Poor Overworked Kristina Kringle
Chick #1: Ohio is way different. Nobody walks anywhere, we all drive cars.
Chick #2: Oh yeah. Cars be expensive. I work 3 jobs right now.
Chick #1: Ha, ha...really?
Chick #2: I work at Macy's, McDonalds, I babysit, and my dad has a
business that I have to help run because he is so damn drunk.
--R train
I'm Creaming of a Pearly White Christmas
Girl: Jack, it's snowing!
Guy: That explains why I'm hard...Sorry...Kiss me.
Girl: I hope it breaks off.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: timothy leary
I'm Pretty Sure Vixen is Actually Lipstick
Guy: Hey look, it's fucking Rudolph. You gonna gimme a ride, Rudolph? You faggot.
Little girl: Yeah, all reindeers are faggots. All reindeers are faggots, you faggot reindeer.
--46th & Broadway
Ho, Ho, Ho!
Girl #1: What did you get from your secret Santa?
Girl #2: Just some soaps and smelly stuff from Bath & Body Works. Oh, and a free promotional CD that my secret Santa told me was free.
Girl #1: Who was your secret Santa anyway?
Girl #2: Amy. I saw what she got from her secret Santa. It was a Santa vibrator.
Girl #1: A Santa vibrator! Much cooler than soaps and a free CD.
Girl #2: Yeah, I guess so. Until I stole the Santa vibrator off her desk. It was fucking small, though. As big as my pinkie.
--N train
Overheard by: michelle luvey
She Must Live in Amsterdam Now
Girl: Santa Claus is from Finland, you know.
Guy #1: Oh yeah?
Girl: Yeah, he's not from the North Pole like you think he is...I know him, I can ask him about you.
Guy #1: Oh yeah? Well, have I been naughty all these years?
Girl: I don't know, I'd have to go back and ask him.
Guy #1: Yeah, find out why I haven't been getting presents all these years.
Guy #2: He's Jewish.
Woman: Are you from Finland, then?
Girl: Yes.
Woman: Are you Santa Claus' granddaughter, then?
Girl: Oh yeah, and we're from the same town in Finland...and he's not fake, he's real!
--L train
Overheard by: Kaitie
That Works in Any Class; Try It and See
Girl #1: I refuse to take a Women's Studies class and lower my morals.
Girl #2: I have a friend in that class, he's one of 2 guys in there; the rest are all man-haters.
Girl #3: I hear the only way to get an A is to come out during class, or say how you were abused as a child. I'll stand up in class and say, "I live with my boyfriend but I'm a lesbian; can I have my A now?"
--Pace Unversity
He's Jewish, Not Pushy
Little boy: Mommy, I want this!
Mom: Do you want Santa to bring it for you?
Little boy: No, I want you to get it now.
--FAO Schwarz, 5th Avenue
Overheard by: CMC
You Speak English?
Guy #1: ...and I'm like, "Holy shit! What's your fucking problem?" Sorry, excuse my French.
Girl: It's okay, I'm not offended.
Guy #2: You speak French?
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Kay Baby
There is No Logroll in Team
Suit #1: You did a helluva job in that meeting.
Suit #2: It gives me a hardon when you say that, John. It gives me a hardon.
--51st & 6th
Overheard by: chite
"...And don't tell me you feel insecure. That's old."
Dude: Excuse me, do you work here?
Security guy: Not really, but what do you need?
--Beacon Theatre, 74th & Broadway
Human Beings Do ("Restaurants"?)
McGuy: Hey, hey, watch your step!
Woman #1: ...Hey, that guy just told you not to step in that.
Woman #2: Oops! Oh, but who pays attention to Mexicans in restaurants?
--McDonalds, Manhattan Mall
The Aptly Named Checkout Counter
Checkout lady: School supplies? You gotta buy this in September, not December!
Chick: I know, but my little cousins want school supplies for Christmas, they wanna play teacher. I'm just following orders.
Checkout lady: Christmas?
Chick: Yeah, Christmas, it's a gift.
Checkout lady: What about Hanukkah?
Chick: What about it?
Checkout lady: You ever heard of it?
Chick: Yeah, but these are a Christmas gift.
Checkout lady: You Jewish? Which half?
Chick: Only the good half.
Checkout lady: You a teacher?
Chick: No, a librarian.
Checkout lady: You look too young to have finished college. How old are you? Twenty?
Chick: No, I finished college.
Checkout lady: You eighteen?
Chick: No, I'm twenty-three.
Checkout lady: Oh. You gotta get married, then.
--K-Mart, Staten Island
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Show Us Your Teats!
Guy: Um, are you disappointed that I don't have tits?
Girl: I mean, a little.
Guy: Why? You looking to suckle?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
"This train will be going express. Next stop: Hell."
Speaker: Hello?
Guy: We've been waiting for like an hour. Any trains coming?
Speaker: Hold on, let me see...Hello, anyone there?
Guy: Yeah, we're here. There any trains coming?
Speaker: There's an police investigation at Broadway. I think someone got pushed onto the tracks and run over.
Guy: But are there any trains coming?
--2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Mikey J.
Bea Arthur is Contagious
Drunk girl: Oh my god, I look like an 85 year old man.
Buzzed girl: Yeah, I was just about to say that.
--Rosie O'Grady's ladies' room, 7th Avenue
Overheard by: Rachel Lovinger
Dangerous Showers There, Too
Professor guy: ...Then he was sent to Buchenwald. Have any of you visited any of the camps?
Girl: I did.
Professor guy: Yeah? Did you visit Buchenwald?
Girl: No.
Professor guy: Did you visit one in Germany?
Girl: No.
Professor guy: Did you visit one in Europe?
Girl: No, it was in America.
Professor guy: Are you talking about a summer camp?
Girl: Yeah.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Maggie B.
Miss Manners' Guide to Yeasty Cunts
Girl #1: So he was like, "We found out you're allergic to yeast." And I asked, "Is that why I keep getting yeast infections?" And he goes, "No, you probably just need to be more hygenic after having intercourse."
Girl #2: Oh my god.
Girl #1: Yeah, I know. So I was like, "WTF, man? I clean my cunt!"
Girl #2: Wait, why'd you say "WTF"?
Girl #1: Because saying "fuck" would be rude.
--6 train
Overheard by: Elisabeth
They're Really into Big Scenes There
Conductor: If you see someone trying to steal from you, make a lot of noise, create a big scene, and I'm sure someone will come to your aid.
Man: Clearly this guy is not from New York. Maybe he's from Utah or something.
--A train
He Had a Crunk Attack
Girl #1: My brother's started taking marijuana and I'm worried cause he's only 17.
Girl #2: I'm so anti-drugs because my dad's brother died of a drug overdose.
Girl #1: Was it a marijuana overdose?
--Columbia University
Just Take Three Cars, Like Columbus
Girl #1: So Becca's gonna drive to California from here?
Girl #2: Nope, she's taking a plane.
Girl #3: Ha, ha! Yeah, duh! Wow, you're stupid! How could you drive across the ocean?
--LaGuardia, Amsterdam Avenue
Overheard by: Amelia
Desperately Trying to Prove He Doesn't Suck
Teen boy #1: Get some straws!
Teen boy #2: Nah man, I'm allergic.
--Union Square Regal Cinemas
Overheard by: Talia & Syd
Remember That Whole Strike Thing?
Guy: God damn it! Where were you? I waited an hour for you to show up! Were you on a coffee break or what?
Bus driver: Sir, that's not possible, the lead bus was only ten minutes ahead of me. I watched him pull out of the depot.
Guy: Screw you! You guys are the real terrorists! You're what Homeland Security is trying to protect us against!
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Lauren Weisberger's Really Reaching
Dude: Yo did you know that the new Pope wears Prada shoes and Gucci sunglasses?
Chick: Really? Isn't he not supposed to be vain? Probably all given for free, that lucky fuck.
--6 train
Overheard by: Innocent X
If They Had Kids, There's a Fifth Option
Girl: Think you'll be able to convince your parents to go see a movie or something over Christmas?
Guy: Not a chance. My parents are impossible to motivate to do anything.
Girl: Ah, I bet you could get them to at least try during the holidays.
Guy: I'm not kidding...They are completely exhausted by eating, sleeping, shitting, and working. That's all they have energy for.
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: BBW
Someone Get Monty Hall a Sweater
Vendor guy: Just buy it! Come on...
Tourist guy: Chill out, we're thinking.
Vendor guy: All right, all right. Half price? All right? Half price, now will ya just buy it?
Tourist guy: Half? How come?
Vendor guy: Because it's fucking 30 degrees, man, it's cold, I wanna
go home! Buy it!
--Whitehall & State
That Would Be the Queen of Clubs
Queer: Excuse me, ma'am?
Chick: Yes?
Queer: Um, girl, it's time for some new Uggs. I felt it was my gift to society to tell you.
Chick: Dude, put your fag card down and start worrying about something else.
--Spring & Mercer
I Had Been Opposed to Reinstating the Draft
Hipster guy #1: Hey, I love this Moby song.
Hipster guy #2: Dude, this is clearly Mission of Burma!
Hipster guy #3: Ha, ha! You just got punk'd!
--Buttermilk Bar, Park Slope
Overheard by: Lindsay
Meet Saul and Jesus
Businessguy #1 If I were gay I would change my name to Paul.
Businessguy #2: Why Paul? I would go with something more Latin.
--A train
Overheard by: Cory Agid
He Ended Up Totally Fried
Man #1: I dunno, Richard Pryor was too...gross for me.
Man #2: Oh yeah?
Man #1: Yeah...Pretty good for a guy that did a lot of drugs, though.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: You know what I just found out? Hunter Thompson did a lot of drugs, too.
Man #2: Really?
Man #1: Apparently.
--Associated Supermarker, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Gus
Pirro's Replacement Begins His Campaign
The man was white, wearing a punk leather jacket and a beret like Saddam Hussein, and had a goatie. He stands up and says: I like Eminem 'cause he can talk his way out of trouble in the black neighborhoods. You've heard of oreos, black on the outside, white on the inside? Well I'm a chocolate chip cookie, and I'll take a toll on
your house!
Man: Uzis are made in Israel but in the hands of blacks on the street. Go figure. Why don't they do a study about how that happens at NYU, aka NYJew!
Man: Wake the fuck up, America! France pronounces its words better than us, even in their rap music!
Man: Why don't they play flutes at the orchestra? It's just a bunch of bam bam bam...Might as well be at a AC/DC concert. 'Cause they're afraid it's too gay! You know in Germany they call it the "queer-flute,"; I used to play flute and I ain't no fuckin' queer. Now I just keep my flute in a box, and I'm not making a dirty joke and no, I don't play the skin flute!
--A train
Overheard by: Dave Smith
In the Mood for Wednesday One-liners
Girl on cell: So, you know, I was just lying there, like with my face to the wall and stuff and he just whips out his dick and starts hitting me in the back of the head with it.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Zac Stone
Wednesday One-liners Witchy Women
Chick: I can't apologize for being a bitch...because, like, then I wouldn't be a bitch.
--23rd & Lexington
Wednesday One-liners for the Holidays
Guy: If I ever beat my kids during Christmas, this is the song I'd play.
--Ulysses, Pearl Street
Overheard by: Dennis Sugrue
Wednesday One-liners Get Edumacated
Guy: It's the sort of class where the value of Greek civilization is assessed by expressing its estimated GDP as a fractal.
--Columbia University bookstore
Overheard by: Tim Wolfe
Hunger for Wednesday One-liners
Punk guy: I got lost trying to find tomato pie.
--Knitting Factory, Leonard Street
Overheard by: Holly Kaye
Cigarettes & Alcohol Fuel Wednesday One-liners
Girl: Yeah, they totally weren't always addictive. Like, they started putting drugs into cigarettes to make them addictive. Nicotine wasn't even addictive a long time ago, it's only recently they have made it that way by putting stuff into it.
--1 train
Overheard by: Nathan B
Wednesday One-liners Ignore the UHO
Hobo: You got the card? You got it? We're gonna kill ourselves. I'm gonna swim to New Jersey and they'll drag me up onto the rocks.
--1 train
Overheard by: James Gillece
Wednesday One-liners for Chosen People
Girl: And it's so weird to ask Jews if they are German. I just feel weird doing it, because of the Nazis and all.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Dan
Wednesday One-liners & the Entertainment Industry
Woman on cell: Yeah, right! Like anyone's gonna believe there are four SpongeBobs.
--Rockefeller Center
The Wednesday One-liners Welcome to NY
Man: Is this where we get off?
--Times Square shuttle
Wednesday One-liners Are in Business
Suit: I read that they're gonna be replaced by robots soon. A robot's not gonna complain about pension.
--4 train
Overheard by: Charles
Wednesday One-liners Sit on It
Man on cell: Yeah, his jokes are going to backfire and bite him in the ass. I'm going to plant the seed because I am the devil.
--50th & 9th
Overheard by: Sofiya
Scenes from the Strike
Suit: Where are you going?
Guy: Why does it matter to you? I never got in someone else's cab before.
Suit: How about an area: Midtown, Downtown, West Side?
Guy: Maybe if you got into a cab on a downtown avenue and not 2nd Avenue, you would have your own cab.
--Cab, 75th & 2nd
Overheard by: The front seat
Someone Needs to Go to the Learning Annex
Man: Watch where you're going.
Woman: Why don't you get out of the way?
Man: Fuck you, lady.
Woman: You come from the land of yonder where animals exist!
--23rd Street F station
Overheard by: jill Bee
Someone's Been to the Learning Annex
Mom: What?...What?
Tween boy: That woman--
Mom: Nah, boy. You need to learn how to crack on people. Gotta be quick on that shit. ou too late.
Tween boy: But--
Mom: Don't even try. It ain't gonna be funny. You too late.
--3 train
The Bitch of Brooklynwald
Chick #1: Is that the guy you were with last weekend?
Chick #2: Keep your voice down. And please don't remind me.
Chick #1: Why? He's not bad.
Chick #2: He's not even law school hot. I've so had to lower my standards for this group.
Chick #1: I've just started going out with Jewish guys.
Chick #2: Ugh. Please. We're only here for another year and a half...I can hold out.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: iiams
Serving or "Acting"?
Waiter: May I take your orders, or do you need a few more minutes?
Guy: Um, we had a waitress come by and take our drink orders...
Waiter: Yes, well, I can take your food order if you're ready.
Guy: What happened to our waitress?
Waiter: She quit.
--Aquavit, East 55th Street
Overheard by: Not telling
And If It's a Miscarriage?
Guy: ...And I said, "Thanks", and that I would rape the shit outta her later.
Girl: And I said, "Oh yay, I'm gonna have a little rape baby."
Guy: And we would name her Janelle.
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chad
Pass the Dutchie Hobo Left-hand Side
Hobo: Hey man, you got some change? I'm saving up for a bag of weed?
Guy: No! I prefer to pay for it myself!
Hobo: Yeah?...Well, I don't!
--Bleecker & Sullivan
The Acting's a Real Killer
Guy: I looked for that Sopranos DVD set in the section you told me to, but it wasn't there.
Store guy: Well, the computer says it's in stock. But that's one of our most shoplifted items.
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Mike's Hard Plasma
Girl: So we were all really drunk one night and someone said we should all drink our blood.
Guy: Oh yeah?
Girl: So we cut ourselves and dripped blood into this cup and passed it around. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen...we were really drunk.
Guy: That's really not good. That's really bad.
Girl: ...But we were really drunk.
--Loews Lincoln Square, West 68th Street
Overheard by: jesse kay
The Olde English So You Can Rest Medicine
Drunk dude: Do you guys have any change?
Sober dude: No.
Drunk guy: I just want to get a 40. I had one but it accidentally broke on my head. Which sucks real bad! I just need to get a 40 so I can sleep.
--Clinton & Stanton
Overheard by: chite
In Other Words, Old People Pants
White girl: Hey, what are your pants made of? They're really shiny.
Asian guy: Oh, that's probably the grease from all the food I eat. I eat a lot of greasy food. Oh, and soy milk. I spilled soy milk on myself; I "soyled" myself.
--6 train
Overheard by: LiAps
Best Double Negative Ever
Girl #1: I have to go soon, I have a child at home.
Girl #2: Oh, an undead abortion?
--Hi Fi, Avenue A
Sounds Like They Should Be Stand-ups
Promoter guy: Do you guys like comedy?
Girl #1: We hate laughter.
Girl #2: Sunshine and happiness too.
--Union Square
Is It Crown Heights Day Already?
Jewish man: But I was here first! I was waiting!
Black chick: All right sir, just calm down. It doesn't matter. Get a life.
Jewish man: Why don't you go back to jail?
Black chick: Yeah, and why don't you go get some viagra or something?
Jewish man: Yeah, I'd need it for you.
Black chick: Fuck you, bitch!
--Court Street Office Supplies, Brooklyn Hights
Overheard by: mrmcd
For a Pre-Marital Look at a Pussy
Woman: Her parents are Republicans! They must be! I knew that I would eventually become a target of the Republican conspiracy.
Man: Why do you say that?
Woman: Don't you see? They're obviously trying to turn our son against us by taking him out of the country.
Man: If they're Republicans, why would they be bringing him to France?
--Cobble Hill
You Sure Can Catch Boogers
Guy: Can I help you?
Woman: You got boogers.
Guy: What?
Woman: You got boogers on your hand. I don't want it.
Guy: I got allergies.
Woman: Well, whatever it is, I don't want it!
Guy: You can't catch allergies...
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Anton I
Atlas Winced
Girl: Where is Norfolk again? Virginia?
Guy: No, Long Island. Long Island forks into two parts, Norfolk and Suffolk.
--JFK
Overheard by: miss n.
Asian girl #1: Where is Ontario?
Asian girl #2: Um...I think it's in the Midwest.
Asian girl #1: Oh, really? Is it a state?
Asian girl #2: Hmm...I'm not sure...
--27th & 7th
"...Well, don't look directly!"
Girl: We aren't underground, are we?
Guy: Look over there; there's the sun.
--2 train
Overheard by: Wally
A Torso Came Out Nine Months Later
HS girl #1: What time is it?
HS girl #2: 8:25.
HS girl #1: Ha, I missed half my period! Ew, that sounded nasty!
--3 train
The Unlikeliest Sleeper Cell
Conductor: This is the last stop, New York Penn Station. All passengers must exit the train. Last stop.
Chick #1: Is this our stop?
Chick #2: Did he say Penn Station?
Chick #3: This is so confusing. It's not like taking a plane, where you know your destination.
--NJ Transit train, Penn Station
Ju Calling
Eliza Dushku: How much for these two?
Jewelry guy: $15.
Eliza Dushku: Can I get them for ten?
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Lily
Must Be Clergy
Guy #1: So did you get to see him this weekend?
Guy #2: Yeah, but we were clothed.
--6 train
They Do Have Lots of Wings in Asia
A little Asian boy sneezes without covering his mouth.
Black lady: Excuse you!
Asian mom: He's only 3, he didn't know any better.
Black lady: Haven't you heard of bird flu, motherfucka!
--M96 bus
Overheard by: Chris Roberts
Girl #1: I feel like shit. I think I've got the Asian Bird Flu.
Girl #2: Don't you mean Avian Bird Flu?
Girl #1: Whatever.
--56th & Broadway
Overheard by: K.M
Woman: Isn't it here in America?
Teen boy: Naw...it's in Japan. All these people be dying from it. Thank god Bush won't let it in the country.
--Associated Supermarket, Astoria
Overheard by: Demy
I Guess But Fucking is a Dealbreaker
Guy #1: I was faithful and honest as I could be under the circumstances.
Guy #2: But you fucked him four times!
--Jamba Juice, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: BondgBoi
He Proceeded to Mash Dog Crap into His Chest
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: What?
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: No, I didn't.
Man: Yeah, you did...You dropped my heart.
Teen girl: Well, pick it up and put it back in.
--90th between Columbus & Amsterdam
All Set with the Webbed Feet
Teen girl #1: Hey, we could go as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, that's a good one
Teen girl #1: You'd only need a mask...They're frogs, right?
--Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway
It Counts as a Home Ec Credit
Guy: But you haven't been doing drugs?
Girl: No...Well, not really; I'm not sure what sucking off a drug addict counts for.
--Butler Library, West 114th Street
Perfume No. 5 to 10
Teen girl: You know that dream I keep having where I kill you on Madison Avenue? I think it's coming true.
Mom: Oh look, the Chanel store!
Teen girl: Uh oh.
--Madison between 63rd & 64th
Backwards Heaven Has Another Name
Teen girl #1: Ooh, you know what I'm gonna name my first baby?
Teen girl #2: What?
Teen girl #1: Nuh-vey-uh.
Teen girl #2: What is that?
Teen girl #1: It's Heaven backwards. It's so good because nobody ever thought of that before.
--6 train
Overheard by: Alex C
A Long, Rambling, Incoherent Scream
Manager guy: You looking for the perfect bag now?
Director lady: There's nothing festive. I don't want to be seen walking with a Duane Reade bag. It screams beggar.
--Office, 39th between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: Frank I
Hopes, Dream and Opportunities for the Future?
Hipster girl #1: I mean, I feel bad for not finishing him, but I didn't want to break the tradition. He's never been finished before right?
Hipster girl #2: Never, and I think he's a little traumatized ever since that girl threw up on his...you know.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
I Think He Means Hangnails
Hobo: Man you got a nail clippa?
Guy: Um, what?
Hobo: You know...a nail clippa. I got this nail on my toe and I need to clip it.
Guy: Um. Sorry...don't have a nail clippa.
Hobo: That's cool. Got any change for me?
--R train
Overheard by: Lindsay Kivna
Who Gets Jennifer, That Big Baby?
Girl #1: What do you think of Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids?
Girl #2: I don't get it, she doesn't want her kids anymore? She's just going to give them to him?
Girl #1: Man, you're an idiot.
--Coles Sports & Recreation Center, Mercer Street
Goofus and Gallant Have Sisters
Chick #1: What is in that thing?
Chick #2: It's cantaloupe-infused vodka.
Chick #1: What, the meat?
Chick #1: Look! There are crocodiles in the lake!
Chick #2: No, there aren't.
Chick #1: Yes, I just saw its nostrils poking out.
--The Boathouse, Central Park
Overheard by: Elyse
Deleted Scenes for the DVD
Drunk guy: King Kong ain't got nothing on God almighty!
Sober girl: Stop touching me, you dirty old man.
Drunk guy: I ain't touching you, woman.
Sober girl: I don't do trash.
Drunk guy: That's why I wanchu.
--Q train
Overheard by: Ted Danger, esq.
I Knew La Cosa Nostra Had to Be Involved
Little girl: Hey! Come over here!
Coffee guy: I can't! I'm working! Why don't you come over here?
Little girl: I can't! I've got family here!
Manager lady: Hey, so does he! All our workers are family here!
--Starbucks, Union Square SE
Overheard by: Chris R
Don't Ask Him How It's Hanging
Girl: Wow, look at all these vegetables and things.
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: This is great! We should come here all the time.
Guy: I think my testicles are falling off.
--Union Square
That Must Have Been Some Orgy at the UN
Girl: God there are so many Chinos here. I hate Chinese people.
Guy: You're so dis...What do they call it? Racist! That's not a very good attribute to have, Christina.
Girl: The only people I like are Spanish people and white people.
Guy: I hope one day someone who's black and Chinese and...80 other races all mixed together bitchslaps you in the face!
--Canal & Lafayette
Overheard by: nadja spiegelman
Proof: Spontaneous Combustion is Real
Girl #1: When did you start smoking again!?
Girl #2: When I quit.
--Delicia Brazil, West 11th Street
Y Kant Tori Fans Read
Girl #1: That's weird, they don't have any Tori Amos here.
Girl #2: Have you checked under "A"?
Girl #1: Why would it be under "A"?
--Virgin, Union Square
Where Are They Now? (A NYC Short Story)
Woman: What ever happened to Ceci?
Man: Ceci?
Woman: Yeah, Ceci. That little girl that got her fingers cut off. The pretty little crackhead with the beautiful soul.
--116th & Frederick Douglass
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Junkie lady: Wow, that thing is nice, what year is it?
Yuppie guy: '06, I just got it.
Junkie lady: '06? That shit ain't even here yet. You better put that in a garage, nigga!
Yuppie guy: I don't have money for that or for you.
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Art Vandelay
Not As Old-fashioned As Taking a Punch
Girl #1: So I said I'm not sure if I'm gonna take his last name; it seems really old-fashioned.
Girl #2: What'd he say?
Girl #1: He said an engagement ring is old-fashioned, but I took that.
--Rockefeller Center
The Number's on the Bathroom Wall
Guy #1: Dude, why are you texting my girlfriend?
Guy #2: She texted me.
Guy #1: I am going to call the whore right now.
--Lincoln Park, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: Mike DeVito
Everything Seems to Happen to Him
Counter lady: 'Cause they look and talk like a woman, sometimes more than a woman! They be taking pills, shots...gives 'em a voice like a woman. I don't want you getting in something. You might kill somebody finding out it's not a woman.
Floor guy: Yeah, right.
Counter lady: Don't be saying that can't happen. It happened to a friend of my girlfriend's boyfriend.
--Duane Reade, 57th & 6th
Overheard in the Headlines: The Strike
Old lady: They are going to strike? They should put up signs fuckers! I see you looking at me you skinny bitch, fuck you.
Conductor: The doors are closing.
Old lady: Can't put up signs but the fucker is telling me the doors are closing.
--F train
Hobo: Don't worry about the strike, we'll all fly to work! Flap our wings and fly!
--14th & 7th
Guy: I was there at the strike in 1980; I remember it well. It went on for two weeks. Of course, they could never have it that long now. The population of the city has doubled since 1980.
--Bowling Green station
Overheard by: greek goddess
Conductor: Shit, I'll get nasty right now. I'll pull the brakes, see how they like that.
--1 train
Overheard by: Priscilla Castillo
Tween boy: So how's the strike going?
Bus driver: If there was a strike I wouldn't be here, you moron.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Sara's Hot
The New MC Escher Fashion Line
Woman: I saw this cute change purse in the store; it was made entirely of zippers. Isn't that a great idea?
Man: Oh wow...Could you open it?
--Q train
Mr. Pringles is a Murderer in the Eyes of God
Speaker girl: Any questions?
Audience girl: Were you able to find out about how much women paid for the abortion procedures?
Speaker girl: About $200 a pop.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Julia Kite
Step Two: Repeat
Little boy: ...and sometimes, my penis, gets stuck on my shirt!
Mom: It does, huh?
Little boy: Yeah, but I just pull it back off!
--Barnes & Noble ladies' room, Union Square
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
I Can See Why Bill Had a Stroke
Wife: Bill can't fly because of the wheelchair. He can't get out of it.
Husband: Surely there are planes with wheelchair access. We should ask for him.
Wife: Please, like he never asked himself? He just can't fly, ever.
Husband: That's not true. What do you think Teddy Roosevelt did when he wanted to go somewhere? He was in a wheelchair and he was the President so he had lots of places to go. Of course there had to be planes with wheelchair areas.
Wife: Oh, I never thought of him. You're right. We should really tell Bill about that.
--JFK
"Have they set a date?"
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm going home again next month. My parents are sort of obsessed with me because I'm an only child.
Guy #2: You're an only child? Oh man, I feel so bad for your parents. They are going to be so depressed when you die.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Shoshana
Hence Majora
Girl #1: Why do I always have camel toe?
Girl #2: Are you buying your pants too tight?
Girl #1: No, I think I gained weight.
Girl #2: Where, in your labia?
--E train
They Don't Really Speak That Anywhere
Guy #1: Uno mas.
Guy #2: Huh?
Guy #1: Uno mas means once more. Don't they speak Mexican in Michigan?
Guy #2: Hell no.
--Office, West 28th Street
Who Let the Tigers Out?
Girl #1: Do you think my boobs look bad?
Girl #2: No, not at all.
Girl #1: But are they, like, saggy?
Girl #2: No, they look good. But if you're so worried, why don't you start wearing a bra or something?
Girl #1: God, next thing you'll tell me to wear underwear.
--Telephone Bar & Grill, 2nd Avenue
Later That Night: Tiger v. Anaconda
Girl #1: I cut myself shaving.
Girl #2: That sucks. I shaved my twat.
Girl #1: What about your legs?
Girl #2: Nope.
Girl #1: Then why your junk?
Girl #2: I was bored
Girl #1: So you shave random things when bored?
Girl #2: Yep! Besides, I guess my twat needed it the most. It was a damn jungle down there; I could almost hear the tiger roar.
--Central Park
Oregon Trail Should Come with a Warning Label
Guy #1: You're useless...you keep getting dysentery.
Guy #2: Maybe you're just a lousy trail leader.
Girl: At least he doesn't drown every time we cross a river.
Guy #1: Hey, you caulk the wagon, you take some chances.
--79th Street 1 station
"Take my word as truth; telepathy is real!"
Queer #1: Anyway, Rico spent Friday night with that tattooed guy and they were hanging out again last night...Though, when Rico said hello to me, there was a look in his eyes that said, "I'm with this guy for the weekend, sorry, I'd much rather get to know you, but I've sorta made my bed now and must lie in it...please wait for me..."
Queer #2: Is this the point where you ask me whether you read too much into things?
--The Roxy, West 18th Street
Why Yell When You Can Think Louder?
Guy: I believe in telepathy. I know everything about psychology.
Girl: Telepathy is not an accepted kind of psychology. My dad's a prominent psychologist.
Guy: Psychologists are torn on telepathy. Take my word as truth...it's real!
--79th & Lexington
Overheard by: Dave
He's Got the Top Half Right
Tween boy #1: You don't know what AIDS is.
Tween boy #2: Yeah I do. AIDS are what you get when a boy sticks his pee-pee in a girl's coochee and he gets a disease.
--C train