Suit #1: You fit how many carrots up there?
Suit #2: Yeah, three. I couldn’t believe it either.
Suit #1: Whoa, and you just did it for the first time this weekend? You better hope no one at the bank finds out about this!
–40th & Park
Overheard by: Nick Vilas
Archive for August, 2006
Wednesday One-Liners: Never Too Gay to Play
Sports enthusiast: Man, that guy was queerer than a football bat.
–40th & 6th
Queer enthusiast: My son can play football, but only if he’s gay…Because, well, at least he’d be gay.
–The Cloisters
Wednesday One-Liners Mind the Gap
Man: All I want is vaginal fluids. Been locked up for years upstate. –Astor Place Hipster dude: It smells like dirty vagina out here. –Graham & Richardson, Williamsburg Amateur gynecologist: I mean, when you think about it, he’s really just a big vagina with sand in it. –93rd & 3rd Frat guy: I don’t know, man…I just don’t trust her vagina. –Outside Ray’s Pizza, Houston St Overheard by: Becky Chubby teen: I’ve never even touched a vagina! –100th & Amsterdam Worker: They had a bet on who ate the best pussy. They get on the stage and take turns going down on her. –32nd & Madison Woman, to store clerk: Excuse me, do you knows where the pussy products is? –Duane Reade, 45th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Need the Cliffs Notes
Drunk college kid: I had to read Grapes of Wrath. Which, by the way, has no grapes! Pissed me off!
–53rd & 7th
20-Something chick: Non fiction? That’s true stuff right?
–Barnes & Noble, 54th between 3rd & Park
Older sister, giving younger brother a book entitled Living in Sin: Here, this is all about you.
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Guy, to friend reading Dostoevsky’s The Idiot: Hey, is that your autobiography?
–Times Square
Overheard by: John
Ghetto white dude: Yo, that nigga is like Shakespeare. Mad gangsta.
–9th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: shannon ramlochan
Guy: You can’t talk to me for half an hour about Chaucer and then tell me you have a boyfriend.
–St Mark’s & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liner, -Liner, Pants on Fire!
Guy pedalling rickshaw, on cell: No, I can’t get there. I have no bike right now. No, I’m on the train at the moment.
–34th & Broadway
Man on cell: No, I’m not outside!…I’m in the bank!…I’m in the bank…I’m telling you, I’m in the bank!
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Middle-Eastern dude on cell: Right now I am coming in a taxi cab from JFK Airport…Yes, well, I understand your concern, but you see, I am driving the taxi.
–Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: math tinder
The Penis Mightier Than the Wednesday One-Liners
Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!…He has a huge penis!
–189th St
Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese.
–Red Hook
Guy dressed as a penis, on cell: If you don’t get down to 14th and 6th in another 5 minutes, this is one dick you are not going to see!
–14th & 6th
Overheard by: Madhu Maganti
Guy: I’d give an inch of my dick for the fries at Les Halles. They’re that good!…Ok, maybe half an inch.
–Park Avenue & 29th Street
Overheard by: 11221
Teen boy on cell: Hey, it’s Big Daddy! You know, Big Daddy! You showed me your penis ring last night.
–Times Square
Overheard by: laura
Woman: Aaah! I’ve got baby penises in my eye!
–Sephora, Times Square
Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock.
–Bed-Stuy
Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills
Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I’m going home!
–Coney Island
20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That’s who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.
–Empire State Building
Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt
Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.
–Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx
Overheard by: Joshua Drumm
Virgin-For-Life: He’s really sharp. He’s like the head of Voltron.
–23rd between 5th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch
Dude: It’s all right to be self-conscious about your feces.
–L train
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.
–Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave
Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an’ shit already. I got places to be!
–112th & Amsterdam
Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: I went at home
Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I’m going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!
–Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Yesenia
8-year-old girl: Let’s play poo-poo!
–Green St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: twelvis
Wednesday One-Liners Are What They Are By Virtue of Their Relationships
Girl: …because I feel like we’re going out. It’s just that he won’t call me.
–Dunkin’ Donuts, E 14th St
Overheard by: MK
Homegirl to boyfriend: No, no, that’s not what I said, that’s what you heard.
–1st & Ave B
Overheard by: Mollena
Girl: In the last few years, every time I go away to Paris with someone, I end up breaking up with them.
–San Loco, 7th St & 2nd Ave
B&T girl #1 to B&T girl #2: If you lived in NYC, you’d totally find a boyfriend. You totally, totally would.
–LIRR to Penn Station
Overheard by: Pia Peanutbuttas
Sassy chick: I was having a glass of wine with him, and he didn’t have anything to say to me. So I licked his ear.
–Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Shrewd observer: That’s not dating. It’s called being on parole.
–West Building, Hunter College
Woman on cell: Well, I happen to like our Goddamn relationship, thank you very much!
–Central Park
Overheard by: Mike
Wednesday One-Liners Mention the Unmentionables
Man, pointing at window display: That’ll make a nice gift for the wife: a pair of underwear that say “SALE” across the ass. Classy. –Outside Victoria’s Secret, Herald Square Overheard by: sean Hipster chick: Quite frankly I’d rather wash all my bras tonight. –F train Overheard by: braincurve Woman to five elderly ladies: All right, ladies, put your underwear on and let’s go. –L&B Spumoni Gardens, 86th St, Brooklyn Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld Chick on cell: So how long did it take the four of you to find your bra the next morning? –Harlem Overheard by: Jess is hot. Girl on cell: I am so not letting my underwear go on a date with his underwear. –Prince & Broadway