Archive for August, 2006

Wednesday One-Liners Mind the Gap

Man: All I want is vaginal fluids. Been locked up for years upstate. –Astor Place Hipster dude: It smells like dirty vagina out here. –Graham & Richardson, Williamsburg Amateur gynecologist: I mean, when you think about it, he’s really just a big vagina with sand in it. –93rd & 3rd Frat guy: I don’t know, man…I just don’t trust her vagina. –Outside Ray’s Pizza, Houston St Overheard by: Becky Chubby teen: I’ve never even touched a vagina! –100th & Amsterdam Worker: They had a bet on who ate the best pussy. They get on the stage and take turns going down on her. –32nd & Madison Woman, to store clerk: Excuse me, do you knows where the pussy products is? –Duane Reade, 45th & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Need the Cliffs Notes

Drunk college kid: I had to read Grapes of Wrath. Which, by the way, has no grapes! Pissed me off!

–53rd & 7th 20-Something chick: Non fiction? That’s true stuff right? –Barnes & Noble, 54th between 3rd & Park Older sister, giving younger brother a book entitled Living in Sin: Here, this is all about you.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square Guy, to friend reading Dostoevsky’s The Idiot: Hey, is that your autobiography?

–Times Square

Overheard by: John Ghetto white dude: Yo, that nigga is like Shakespeare. Mad gangsta. –9th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn Overheard by: shannon ramlochan Guy: You can’t talk to me for half an hour about Chaucer and then tell me you have a boyfriend. –St Mark’s & 3rd

The Penis Mightier Than the Wednesday One-Liners

Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!…He has a huge penis!

–189th St Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese.

–Red Hook Guy dressed as a penis, on cell: If you don’t get down to 14th and 6th in another 5 minutes, this is one dick you are not going to see!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Madhu Maganti Guy: I’d give an inch of my dick for the fries at Les Halles. They’re that good!…Ok, maybe half an inch.

–Park Avenue & 29th Street

Overheard by: 11221 Teen boy on cell: Hey, it’s Big Daddy! You know, Big Daddy! You showed me your penis ring last night.

–Times Square

Overheard by: laura Woman: Aaah! I’ve got baby penises in my eye! –Sephora, Times Square Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock. –Bed-Stuy

Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills

Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I’m going home!

–Coney Island


20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That’s who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero. –Empire State Building Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.

–Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx

Overheard by: Joshua Drumm


Virgin-For-Life
: He’s really sharp. He’s like the head of Voltron.


–23rd between 5th & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch

Dude: It’s all right to be self-conscious about your feces.

–L train

Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.

–Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an’ shit already. I got places to be! –112th & Amsterdam Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping! –Washington Square Park Overheard by: I went at home Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I’m going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap! –Penn Station Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty! –Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway Overheard by: Yesenia 8-year-old girl: Let’s play poo-poo! –Green St, Greenpoint Overheard by: twelvis

Wednesday One-Liners Are What They Are By Virtue of Their Relationships

Girl: …because I feel like we’re going out. It’s just that he won’t call me. –Dunkin’ Donuts, E 14th St Overheard by: MK Homegirl to boyfriend: No, no, that’s not what I said, that’s what you heard.

–1st & Ave B

Overheard by: Mollena Girl: In the last few years, every time I go away to Paris with someone, I end up breaking up with them.

–San Loco, 7th St & 2nd Ave B&T girl #1 to B&T girl #2: If you lived in NYC, you’d totally find a boyfriend. You totally, totally would.

–LIRR to Penn Station

Overheard by: Pia Peanutbuttas Sassy chick: I was having a glass of wine with him, and he didn’t have anything to say to me. So I licked his ear. –Harlem Overheard by: McN Shrewd observer: That’s not dating. It’s called being on parole. –West Building, Hunter College Woman on cell: Well, I happen to like our Goddamn relationship, thank you very much! –Central Park Overheard by: Mike

Wednesday One-Liners Mention the Unmentionables

Man, pointing at window display: That’ll make a nice gift for the wife: a pair of underwear that say “SALE” across the ass. Classy. –Outside Victoria’s Secret, Herald Square Overheard by: sean Hipster chick: Quite frankly I’d rather wash all my bras tonight. –F train Overheard by: braincurve Woman to five elderly ladies: All right, ladies, put your underwear on and let’s go. –L&B Spumoni Gardens, 86th St, Brooklyn Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld Chick on cell: So how long did it take the four of you to find your bra the next morning? –Harlem Overheard by: Jess is hot. Girl on cell: I am so not letting my underwear go on a date with his underwear. –Prince & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Fries With That

Very large man, pointing at a McDonald’s: Where were you last night at 3 a.m. when I was craving you? –49th & 9th Man wearing an “I Heart My Heart” shirt, to guy eating fast food: You’re just aching for that heart attack, aren’t you? –46th & Broadway Angry burger flipper: Making Big Macs is complex. It’s 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun…And then it gets even more confusing, ’cause people all have their special requests, like no special sauce. And that just throws shit off. The Whopper is so easy. It don’t have shit on us. –M11 bus Asian girl, screaming into cell: I said, “Quiero Taco Bell!” –33rd & Broadway Overheard by: Kelsey Foreign tourist to cabbie: How much to go to K…F…C? –Broadway between 38th & 39th Overheard by: Gregorio