Conductor #1: Conductor, is the Clean Train Campaign in effect for this train?
Conductor #2: AAARRRGGGHHH!
–LIRR
Archive for September, 2006
Rape of the Sabine Transsexuals
Teen girl #1: If you were a guy, I would totally rape you.
Teen girl #2: Isn’t it the other way around?
Teen girl #1: No. I wouldn’t rape a girl. Unless she was a guy.
Teen girl #2: Oh.
–Broadway
The Naked AND the Dead
NYU student #1: We’re drawing bodies in art class today.
NYU student #2: Naked bodies?
NYU student #1: No, dead bodies.
NYU student #2: Naked dead bodies?
–Broadway
You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Conflagration
Suit #1: I guess I wasn’t invited. I wasn’t on my best behavior last year.
Suit #2: Well, you did light that horse on fire.
–Midtown
Astonishingly, This Didn’t Work When He Asked His Wife to Do Anal
Little girl: Daddy! Why can’t I try? Why can’t I ride it?
Dad, on mini-bike: Because I’m God, and God says so.
–72nd & 5th
Overheard by: better off agnostic
For Christmas She Wants Tickle-Me-to-Death Elmo
Little girl: Christmas is next!
Mother: No, first is Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.
Little girl: And then we die!
–Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Just Object When They Ask
Chick #1: Yeah, so I kinda wanna go to the wedding, you know, to see the spectacle.
Chick #2: Mm-hmm.
Chick #1: But on the other hand, I don’t want it to seem like she has any friends.
–Q65A bus
Overheard by: christine
My Babies Will Be Ugly on the Inside, Just Like Their Mother
Teen #1: No, like, I feel BAD for ugly babies. It’s not their fault.
Teen #2: I mean, it’s like, oh my God, your little girl is so cute… what, it’s a boy? Oh my God, I am so sorry.
Teen #3: People always thought I was a boy when I was little. It was, like, so weird. Because I was obviously really cute, and I… I still am. Right, ladies?
Teen #1: Um, can you hand me a paper towel?
Teen #2: I have a headache. Ugh. Damn morning-after pill. No ugly babies for me!
–TGI Friday’s, 59th & Lex
Overheard by: not admitting she was in a T.G.I.Fridays
He Had Enough of That with Winona
Girl #1: How excited would you be if we saw Johnny Depp?
Girl #2: I’d probably pee my pants and then pass out.
–Wall St
Overheard by: Jenny
Maybe You Should Get a Job at Starbucks Instead
Customer: I’ll have a twelve-inch wheat –
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: Um… twelve inches. Isn’t that a foot?
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: I think you’re missing something here.
–Subway, Elmsford
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief