Archive for September, 2006

Hey, Man, Where Do You Think Families Come From?

Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we’re trying to eat over here.
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God’s sake, this is a family restaurant!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.

–Mickey D’s, Times Square

Mama Said There’d Be Wednesday One-Liners Like This

20-Something chick: Yeah, well that was when I used to get drunk with his mother. –176th St between Audubon & Amsterdam Overheard by: sj Drunk girl: I always end up with the ones with mommy issues. Like, does it look like I’m lactating, motherfucker? Didn’t think so.

–Park Slope Tween boy: Well, my mom was lactating at the time, so I just drank that.

–7th Ave & 5th St, Park Slope Professor: Mothers are not uncommon in families. Grandmothers don’t count because they’re not sexual threats. –Fordham Overheard by: Jess McGins Construction worker: Yeah, I fucked her and her mom. I know, Ma, I’ll call her back.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Tom Woman on cell: You need to calm the fuck down. Calm down. You need to calm the fuck down! Bullets do not have names. Mama said that. You be runnin’ around with the crips, with the gangs. You gonna get your ass shot. You listen to me: you need to calm the fuck down! –Metro-North Overheard by: MojoSaves Girl: But, Mom, I can’t trust you if you don’t like me!

–Starbucks, 75th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ali

Ebert and Roeper at the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman, watching Jet Li movie preview: I won’t see it. All they ever do is hop around, and I have no idea what’s going on.

–AMC Theatre, W 42nd St

Overheard by: Jason Slow learner: Yeah, we just got out of Miami Vice…Yeah, I’ve seen it twice. Trust me: do not see that movie!

–42nd between 9th & 10th

Overheard by: Ash Young woman: When I went to see Snakes on a Plane, I didn’t think there’d be snakes! On a plane!

–Regal Cinemas, Union Square Tween boy: After seeing that movie, I have to say: Johnny Knoxville is the most suicidal person next to Jesus. –C train Overheard by: Dirty D Ticket taker, directing people to theater: Go out the window and take a left. –AMC 25, Times Square Overheard by: L Blonde girl: Isn’t Short Circuit the movie with R2D2? –Rooftop party, W 43rd Overheard by: Esther Guy in very crowded train: It felt like Schindler’s List for a second there. –7 train Overheard by: giants fan

Wednesday’s Child is Full of One-Liners

Ten-year-old: If I work on my claw skills, I will always be able to tell what time it is!

–CVS, Lexington Ave Child tourist: There’s so many people. Don’t they have jobs?

–Times Square

Overheard by: rae Young boy: Were you sniffing my father?

–Bronx Zoo Little girl: I can’t wait ’til I have my own psychic friend.

–181st & Pinehurst

Overheard by: Josh h Young boy: Mommy, I wanna go see the thongs.

–Saks

Overheard by: Butt Floss Young girl tourist, exiting taxi: Goodbye! I love you! More than all the other cabs!

–Thompson & 3rd

Overheard by: kerm and mere Little girl: You always make things up! You made this game up, you made the rules up, you even made me up!

–19th Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Think Globally, Act Locally

Hobo: Give Germany brain cancer! Fire laser beams into the back of the brain of Germany! Men, women, retarded children! Make Germany lose their memory!

–New York Public Library Guido on cell: Write this down. It’s P, O, A with two dots on it, N, G. It’s a chair. Poang. Two dots. Two dots. Above. How the fuck should I know? It’s Swedish.

–IKEA, Elizabeth

Overheard by: Rich Mintz JAP: OK, Brittney, so he got blown up in Israel. Everyone gets blown up in Israel!

–Harry’s Burritos, Thompson & 3rd Queer: See, the problem is, you go to France and there are a ton of cute guys, but they’re all French. You go to Italy, cute guys everywhere, but they’re all Italian.

–47th & 9th

Overheard by: Jack Lienke Guy on cell: If I made out with a Venezuelan, does that mean I’m on a government watch list?

–49th & 9th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson Barista: Can you grab me a tall Ethiopian by the neck? –Starbucks, Grand Central Suit on cell: And I said, fuck, yeah, it was the best damn sushi I ever had! Who gives a fuck if we were in Alabama… those fuckers were still Japanese, you know?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Who doesn’t love the South?

Hee Hee Hee, You Said ‘Wednesday One-Liners’

Woman: See? I’m really good at boning.

–Gavroche, 14th & 7th

Overheard by: the immature restaurant guest Woman, yelling over to man during downpour: How come every man I date ends up getting me wet?

–Water Club, 500 E 30th

Overheard by: Carolyn Burly guy: Dude, can you help me get it up?

–Gold’s Gym, 250 West 54th Teen: I was so thirsty. Anything that went in my mouth, I swallowed.

–LIRR

Overheard by: kaydot NYU trendoid: I need some nuts, like, hardcore.

–MoMA Conductor: Please let the passengers get off before pushing on the train. Get them off. Get them off. Get them off fast! –Manhattan bound L train Overheard by: Philip Girl: Ooo! I’ll suck on it with you!

–3rd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: confused grad student

Wednesday One-Liners Care About Melanin

Girl: You really don’t realize how many Indian kids there are at NYU until you have really shitty sex with one of them and have to try to avoid him. –Broadway & Waverly Overheard by: Jake Indian guy, to white guy: Do you see the color of my skin? I’m obviously more intelligent than you.

–Makers Very white girl: It was so diverse and, like, I don’t know, I felt like a minority. —Union Square Guy: I don’t discriminate based on race, but you in particular are a suspicious-looking motherfucker. –Red Sky Lounge, 29th & Park Guy on cell: You fucking idiot. You don’t have jaundice. You’re Asian.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: another asian Frenchman: Hurry! That chocolate man is taking your parking space!

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Melissa Coppola Black guy, to white infant: Hey! Hey! Awww, shit. You anotha’ one of dose fucking crackers! Cracker-ass crackers fucking everywhere.

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: The Cracker’s Mama