Archive for September, 2006

Hee Hee Hee, You Said ‘Wednesday One-Liners’

Woman: See? I’m really good at boning.

–Gavroche, 14th & 7th

Overheard by: the immature restaurant guest Woman, yelling over to man during downpour: How come every man I date ends up getting me wet?

–Water Club, 500 E 30th

Overheard by: Carolyn Burly guy: Dude, can you help me get it up?

–Gold’s Gym, 250 West 54th Teen: I was so thirsty. Anything that went in my mouth, I swallowed.

–LIRR

Overheard by: kaydot NYU trendoid: I need some nuts, like, hardcore.

–MoMA Conductor: Please let the passengers get off before pushing on the train. Get them off. Get them off. Get them off fast! –Manhattan bound L train Overheard by: Philip Girl: Ooo! I’ll suck on it with you!

–3rd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: confused grad student

Wednesday One-Liners Care About Melanin

Girl: You really don’t realize how many Indian kids there are at NYU until you have really shitty sex with one of them and have to try to avoid him. –Broadway & Waverly Overheard by: Jake Indian guy, to white guy: Do you see the color of my skin? I’m obviously more intelligent than you.

–Makers Very white girl: It was so diverse and, like, I don’t know, I felt like a minority. —Union Square Guy: I don’t discriminate based on race, but you in particular are a suspicious-looking motherfucker. –Red Sky Lounge, 29th & Park Guy on cell: You fucking idiot. You don’t have jaundice. You’re Asian.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: another asian Frenchman: Hurry! That chocolate man is taking your parking space!

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Melissa Coppola Black guy, to white infant: Hey! Hey! Awww, shit. You anotha’ one of dose fucking crackers! Cracker-ass crackers fucking everywhere.

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: The Cracker’s Mama

Wednesday One-Liners Could Use a Fig Leaf

Girl: I’m almost too comfortable with old-people nudity.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: hannah Middle-Aged woman: Oh my God, you should have been there to see my husband naked-bodysurfing.

–Thompson & Spring Man on cell: Yeah… I’m just calling to let you know the Naked Cowboy called in sick today because of the rain. Yeah, I’m going to take his place. I just wanted to let you know. OK. Bye.

–48th & 2nd Young woman: There’s the Naked Cowgirl. She’s not all that. She’s not even that pretty!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Derek Powazek Girl: It’s not like when a guy sees you naked, he’s gonna be like, “Yo, I wish you were more muscular.”

–College Walk, Columbia University Girl on cell: Because grown sisters naked in a room together is weird!

–L train, Metropolitan Ave

Overheard by: Must be weird Woman on cell: Naked on the couch?… God, I don’t blame you.

–3rd & A

Overheard by: Kira

I Heart Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: You still love me even though I’m a fatty? –113th & Broadway Guy on cell: You know, dude, I could totally fall in love with her if she weren’t such a crack-whore. –11th & 3rd Overheard by: Kaitlyn Loud hipster girl: Shrooms are like love and happiness. You don’t find them; they find you! –Williamsburg waterfront Overheard by: could use all three Idealist: If he really loved me, wouldn’t he moisturize?! –Harlem Overheard by: McN Ghetto girl: Love ain’t got nothin’ to do with the way you smellin’ right now! –Chambers & Broadway Overheard by: AWAG Middle-Aged guy: But if she loved me so much, why did she point the shotgun at me? –57th between 6th & 7th Overheard by: harvey Woman on cell: You know that Susan already hates you…Of course she’s just doing it to be a bitch…I love Susan. –73rd & Columbus Overheard by: Will

Cheech & Chong’s Wednesday One-Liners, Man

Queer: When I get stoned, my grundle itches.

–6 train

Overheard by: sheerah Street vendor, gesturing to enormous bong: No, no…this one is for tobacco. –St. Mark’s Elderly man: People are stupid! They don’t do pot!

–R train Stoned guy: Man, why do chip manufacturers always put the crumbs at the bottom of the bag? –Columbia University Overheard by: bernard black Teenage gangsta: Yo, when I was in the shower, it totally tasted like weed. For real.

–Lafayette & Houston Passenger: If you see a suspicious package or activity on the platform or train, don’t keep it to yourself. Tell a cop or an MTA employee or me. There might be some money or some weed in there.

–4 train

Overheard by: Mike Long-haired dude, picking up a cigarette butt: Man, that’s not what I wanted to smoke.

–72nd & Columbus

Overheard by: clarence rosario

Wednesday One-Liners Know the Guys Down at Vice a Little Too Well

Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don’t think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp. –33rd & 8th Overheard by: Alex Drunk girl: I don’t want to be sold for five dollars on the street! –1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd Overheard by: Kira Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday. –150 5th Ave Addiction expert: I don’t think he’s addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers’ asses. –6 train, 68th St Old Jewess: I couldn’t tell if they were singers or prostitutes. –1 train, 42nd St Overheard by: Kimdog Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far! –Times Square Guy: She’s kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild. –Hughes Ave, the Bronx Overheard by: Jess McGins

They’re Not Going to Be One-Upped on the Surrealism

Guy #1: You know that Anton Webern’s Quartet for the End of Time was performed in a concentration camp? Crazy.
Guy #2: Yeah. He died real weird. I forget how. I think the Nazis shot him.
Total stranger: Actually he was shot by Allied soldiers. He was breaking curfew smoking a cigarette, and they mistook him for his brother-in-law, who was an alleged Nazi spy.
Guy #1: Oh, I see. Thanks.
Total stranger: Any other questions? I just ride this train all day waiting to answer questions on twentieth-century music composition. The next car has an expert on Chekhov, and the conductor studies philosophy.
Guy #1: So anyway, Slavic girls are pretty hot.
Guy #2: Yeah, for real.

–7 train