Archive for November, 2006

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything to Get This Part

Girl: Seriously, I’d give, like, 20 blowjobs to get an apartment.

–Barna, 26th & Park

Overheard by: Greg

Crazy guy: I gotta stop eating pussy. I’m losing my breath.

–F train

Girl to guy: If you don’t like oral sex, don’t open your mouth.

–68th St station

Overheard by: liza

Guy defending self to group of friends: I’ve tasted pussy!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Reina

Guy on cell: Which one? Me sucking dick or San Francisco?

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Teen girl: I need balls in my mouth.

–Disney Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Gin

Ghetto teen: And so she was suckin’ my dick, and there was a 10 dollar bill on the table, and — get this — when she stopped suckin’, it was gone! Bitch took my money!

–Fulton Mall, Brooklyn

Overheard by: djingo

Wednesday One-Liners Run All Night

Middle-aged man at Metrocard machine to MTA booth employee: You know these things don’t work, right? I mean, you know they don’t work? [Employee ignores him] Hey, do you care?

–Grand Central

MTA lady on loudspeaker: [Stops singing loudly] What? No, the speaker’s not on. You can hear me? But it’s not on. Huh? You can hear me, too? Damn.

–Union Street Station, Park Slope

Overheard by: Just wanna wait in peace

MTA guy with microphone: Please keep your eyes open — there is a large rat running around on the platform. Please keep your eyes open — large rat — very large.

–V Station, 51st St

Overheard by: Ethan

MTA lady talking to no one visible: You one-armed nuisance! You are really getting on my nerves!

–In front of Staten Island Ferry, Staten Island

Overheard by: Jackie

Happy hour queen ascending subway steps: Did you know all these spots are gum? This entire subway station is constructed of chewing gum!

–Subway station, 14th & 7th

Overheard by: wish i had a drink too

Disgruntled man: Who needs terrorists when you have the MTA?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Alice

Wednesday One-Liners Refuse A Polygraph

Guy: Yeah, and he lied to me about dying, too!

–Bedford Ave, Brooklyn

Girl: So what is your name going to be tonight?

–6th Ave & 57th St

Queer on cell: She tried to tell me that I was fatter than him — that muthafucka is the worst liar in the world!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: She was probably right…

Guy: I just told her, ‘Keep on fakin’ those orgasms!’

–7th Ave & 32nd St

Suit on cell in McDonald’s: Yeah, well, I’m in Connecticut right now…

–Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Blaine

Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. I would never lie to you.

–W train to Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man exiting taxi: If anyone asks, we walked!

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kyle

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Misunderestimated

Thug: Where you am?

–Penn Station

Girl: The cat keeps attacking the kitten and trying to dominate him. He’s wicked-dominal.

–Train from Boston, Penn Station

Thug girl: We is not stupid!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: there’s no e in tracy

Teen boy: It’s like that Napoleon ice cream. You know: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.

–53rd & 5th

Overheard by: really?

Ghetto woman on cell: Yeah, yeah — he a drug addict. I couldn’t believe it. I had no agnostic he was on drugs.

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Thirsty Violet

Girl: I’m like, so, you know, like, bad at, like… I’m really inarticulate.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: jaded intellectual

Hey, Kiss My Wednesday One-Liners

Drunk guy: Excuse me, Miss, I’m askin’… I want to kiss your ass! Just the left cheek!

–8th Ave & W 55th St

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Canadian guy: The first kiss’ll be at the altar.

–Uptown 6 train

Loudmouth on cell: Yeah man, and then, like, I was kissing her, and then I like, just started dancing with her. We were dancing, man. And then I picked her up, and she beat the crap out of me, and I had to put her down. Yeah, man. But she was a fuckin’ awesome kisser.

–NYU

Overheard by: lucy in the sky with diamonds

Girl on cell: I can’t remember the last time we kissed on the mouth, can you?

–43rd & Lex

Ghetto chick leaving after fight with boyfriend: Kiss my ass. No, kiss my pussy while it’s bleeding, like you used to.

–Washington Heights

Girl on cell: He said he wouldn’t leave until I kissed him… so I kissed him while I was on the toilet!

–115th St & Manhattan Ave

Overheard by: Melissa Berry

Wednesday One-Liners Are Footloose

Guy: I don’t think people are ready to do the Charleston, yet. Because it’s so spiritual, you know?

–Grand & Mulberry

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Guy with fliers: Ladies, come on in and meet your future husbands. They’ll be the ones dancing on the poles.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Too young to marry strippers

Guy: What? Bar None? Bar None is just a whorehouse with a dance floor.

–12th and 3rd Ave

Black dude: Damn, girl, you so fine you’d make an African in a canoe with a spear wanna jump up and dance!

–2nd Ave & 11th

Overheard by: gneumatic

Poorly-dancing Asian guy: I feel really Latino when I’m dancing to Spanish music.

–Gonzalez y Gonzalez, Broadway

Overheard by: javster

Dorky college freshman: Dude, I totally blacked-out last night… Last thing I remember I was dancing with her mom.

–1 train, Times Square station

Overheard by: Gnomar the gnome

Post-Literate Wednesday One-Liners

Bum to man stumbling while reading Hamlet: Yeah, that’s right, Hamlet. That’s what you get for killing Polonius that way, you son of a bitch.

–W 43rd

Overheard by: Richard Harrington

Pious woman: And when he said to take out our Bibles, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know it was BYOB!

–18th & 10th

Overheard by: Owen

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m at terminal four. Did you bring a dictionary? No? Oh, shit!

–Air Shuttle, JFK

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy: I totally want to spoon with Amy Guth, but like, her novel is so fucking weird she’d probably have to kill me first.

–Subway platform, Columbus Circle, 59th St

Overheard by: Karen Birchman

Fat lady: No, no, I was full when I got to the library, and then — I was empty.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Old hippie on phone: Don’t worry about how much time you have — I read this book on string theory that says time is just a human construct and means nothing at all. [Pause] No, I won’t be able to make it there on time.

–Pizza Place, Waverly & Mercer

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

I’m Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner

Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That’s what comes from being in America!

–Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st

Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, ‘Listen, you’re in America now.’

–Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle

Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she’s naked, don’t go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.

–Bedford St & W 4th

Overheard by: Birthday Boy

Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!

–Uptown 6 train, Wall St station

Overheard by: gay among hardhats

Guy: It’s an old American name, like in the Bible.

–A train arriving at 59th St

Overheard by: IanM

Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn’t have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I’m an American! I’m a fucking New Yorker!

–23rd & Park

Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!

–Apple store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rich Mintz