Archive for November, 2006

Wednesday One-Liners Run All Night

Middle-aged man at Metrocard machine to MTA booth employee: You know these things don’t work, right? I mean, you know they don’t work? [Employee ignores him] Hey, do you care? –Grand Central MTA lady on loudspeaker: [Stops singing loudly] What? No, the speaker’s not on. You can hear me? But it’s not on. Huh? You can hear me, too? Damn. –Union Street Station, Park Slope Overheard by: Just wanna wait in peace MTA guy with microphone: Please keep your eyes open — there is a large rat running around on the platform. Please keep your eyes open — large rat — very large. –V Station, 51st St Overheard by: Ethan MTA lady talking to no one visible: You one-armed nuisance! You are really getting on my nerves! –In front of Staten Island Ferry, Staten Island Overheard by: Jackie Happy hour queen ascending subway steps: Did you know all these spots are gum? This entire subway station is constructed of chewing gum! –Subway station, 14th & 7th Overheard by: wish i had a drink too Disgruntled man: Who needs terrorists when you have the MTA? –Penn Station Overheard by: Alice

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Misunderestimated

Thug: Where you am? –Penn Station Girl: The cat keeps attacking the kitten and trying to dominate him. He’s wicked-dominal. –Train from Boston, Penn Station Thug girl: We is not stupid! –Uptown 1 train Overheard by: there’s no e in tracy Teen boy: It’s like that Napoleon ice cream. You know: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. –53rd & 5th Overheard by: really? Ghetto woman on cell: Yeah, yeah — he a drug addict. I couldn’t believe it. I had no agnostic he was on drugs. –M15 Bus Overheard by: Thirsty Violet Girl: I’m like, so, you know, like, bad at, like… I’m really inarticulate. –Columbia University Overheard by: jaded intellectual

Wednesday One-Liners Are Footloose

Guy: I don’t think people are ready to do the Charleston, yet. Because it’s so spiritual, you know? –Grand & Mulberry Overheard by: Trey Givens Guy with fliers: Ladies, come on in and meet your future husbands. They’ll be the ones dancing on the poles. –Times Square Overheard by: Too young to marry strippers Guy: What? Bar None? Bar None is just a whorehouse with a dance floor. –12th and 3rd Ave Black dude: Damn, girl, you so fine you’d make an African in a canoe with a spear wanna jump up and dance! –2nd Ave & 11th Overheard by: gneumatic Poorly-dancing Asian guy: I feel really Latino when I’m dancing to Spanish music. –Gonzalez y Gonzalez, Broadway Overheard by: javster Dorky college freshman: Dude, I totally blacked-out last night… Last thing I remember I was dancing with her mom. –1 train, Times Square station Overheard by: Gnomar the gnome

Post-Literate Wednesday One-Liners

Bum to man stumbling while reading Hamlet: Yeah, that’s right, Hamlet. That’s what you get for killing Polonius that way, you son of a bitch. –W 43rd Overheard by: Richard Harrington Pious woman: And when he said to take out our Bibles, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know it was BYOB! –18th & 10th Overheard by: Owen Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m at terminal four. Did you bring a dictionary? No? Oh, shit! –Air Shuttle, JFK Overheard by: Jess McGins Guy: I totally want to spoon with Amy Guth, but like, her novel is so fucking weird she’d probably have to kill me first. –Subway platform, Columbus Circle, 59th St Overheard by: Karen Birchman Fat lady: No, no, I was full when I got to the library, and then — I was empty. –W 66th St Overheard by: Susan Volchok Old hippie on phone: Don’t worry about how much time you have — I read this book on string theory that says time is just a human construct and means nothing at all. [Pause] No, I won’t be able to make it there on time. –Pizza Place, Waverly & Mercer Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

I’m Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner

Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That’s what comes from being in America! –Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, ‘Listen, you’re in America now.’ –Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she’s naked, don’t go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are. –Bedford St & W 4th Overheard by: Birthday Boy Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train! –Uptown 6 train, Wall St station Overheard by: gay among hardhats Guy: It’s an old American name, like in the Bible. –A train arriving at 59th St Overheard by: IanM Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn’t have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I’m an American! I’m a fucking New Yorker! –23rd & Park Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst! –Apple store, 5th Ave Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Wednesday One-Liners Have ‘Roid Rage

Teen guy: My math teacher says that I should learn this stuff since it’s going to be useful, but I told her, ‘When I go to college, I’m majoring in Lacrosse.’ The coach can hire a tutor for anything else they want me to do. –Amtrak train, Penn Station Overheard by: Lacrosse-titute Conductor: Fourth avenue. Transfer here to the R train on the lower level. The time is 6:36. The score is five-four, Mets. Thank you for riding MTA New York City Transit. –F stop, 4th Ave Overheard by: mili Conductor: And don’t forget, you heard it here first: Yankees, five, Detroit, two. Mets… more than the other team. Anyone knows who the other team is, that’s good. Mets gonna have more runs than the other team. Next stop, 34th street. –Downtown A train Overheard by: Pebbles Woman on cell: Well, I’m sorry if my commitment to the Mets is not all you had hoped it would be! –2nd Ave & 82nd St Overheard by: aislinn Yankees fan: So they found Lidle’s passport… Did they find his pitching arm? –53rd St & 7th Ave Overheard by: tragedy + 2 minutes = comedy Guy: This goddamn fucking son of a bitch! Darryl Strawberry just stole a thousand dollars from me! –Office, 30th St Overheard by: Bagel B&T girl: I hate sports. I mean, I don’t even know what’s going on down there. –On line for Slate Overheard by: acep

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt

Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank? –Chinatown bus Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it. –3rd Ave Overheard by: renata Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm! –20th & 5th Overheard by: I want to get on her plan Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick. –1 train Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz. –5th Ave NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that? –Waverly & Broadway Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants? –Fordham University Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

She’s in British Columbia Denial

Girl #1: My brother drives between Alaska and Colorado once a year. It’s a really long drive.
Girl #2: Wait… I thought Alaska wasn’t connected to America.
Guy: It’s connected to Canada.
Girl #2: So, there’s like, a bridge?
Guy: No. It’s connected to Canada.
Girl #2: No, it’s not! It’s an island. Canada breaks up over there.
Guy: I swear to god, it’s connected to Canada.
Girl #2: No! –Coffee shop, Mercer & 3rd

That’s It — a Bicycle!

Teen girl #1: Is it weird that I’m usually more horny when I’m on my period?
Teen girl #2: No. I am, too.
Teen girl #1: I mean, it’s really icky to masturbate, though, because blood and shit gets everywhere.
Woman on bicycle right behind them, trying to get past: Um, excuse me. –Park Ave