Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That’s what comes from being in America!
–Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st
Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, ‘Listen, you’re in America now.’
–Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle
Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she’s naked, don’t go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.
–Bedford St & W 4th
Overheard by: Birthday Boy
Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!
–Uptown 6 train, Wall St station
Overheard by: gay among hardhats
Guy: It’s an old American name, like in the Bible.
–A train arriving at 59th St
Overheard by: IanM
Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn’t have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I’m an American! I’m a fucking New Yorker!
–23rd & Park
Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!
–Apple store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Archive for November, 2006
Our Wednesday One-Liners, Ourselves
Woman conductor: Take all of your personal belongings and all parts of your body as you leave the train.
–Brooklyn-bound D train
Bronx woman: I do not have ‘cheeseburger’ written on my forehead.
–Parkchester, Bronx
Overheard by: walking too fast to hear more
20-something girl to woman praying with legs wide open: When I move over it’s so your warm thighs aren’t pressed up against mine.
–Downtown A train
Overheard by: lisa l.
Chick: So then he slammed my infected eyebrow right into his crotch. It was terrific!
–Theater, 1st Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
British guy to girlfriend: Can I have your tongue?
–Scruffy Duffy’s, 8th Ave
Skinny 20-something: My head swung like a pendulum… I had a brain injury, but it’s okay because the part of the brain that got injured — the doctors are unsure of its function.
–7 train
Overheard by: Holy Crap!
Middle-aged guy lunching with female companions: So… Do you know if there’s any other organs on my body that could grow teeth?
–Sushi Samba, West Village
Wednesday One-Liners Have ‘Roid Rage
Teen guy: My math teacher says that I should learn this stuff since it’s going to be useful, but I told her, ‘When I go to college, I’m majoring in Lacrosse.’ The coach can hire a tutor for anything else they want me to do.
–Amtrak train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Lacrosse-titute
Conductor: Fourth avenue. Transfer here to the R train on the lower level. The time is 6:36. The score is five-four, Mets. Thank you for riding MTA New York City Transit.
–F stop, 4th Ave
Overheard by: mili
Conductor: And don’t forget, you heard it here first: Yankees, five, Detroit, two. Mets… more than the other team. Anyone knows who the other team is, that’s good. Mets gonna have more runs than the other team. Next stop, 34th street.
–Downtown A train
Overheard by: Pebbles
Woman on cell: Well, I’m sorry if my commitment to the Mets is not all you had hoped it would be!
–2nd Ave & 82nd St
Overheard by: aislinn
Yankees fan: So they found Lidle’s passport… Did they find his pitching arm?
–53rd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: tragedy + 2 minutes = comedy
Guy: This goddamn fucking son of a bitch! Darryl Strawberry just stole a thousand dollars from me!
–Office, 30th St
Overheard by: Bagel
B&T girl: I hate sports. I mean, I don’t even know what’s going on down there.
–On line for Slate
Overheard by: acep
Wednesday One-Liners Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts
Hipster: And I was like, ‘Okay, well, here’s some advice for you, then: Why don’t you peel a banana and shove it up your ass?’
–Bedford Ave
Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!
–Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Auston McLain
Girl to guy: I am not shoving anything in your hole!
–LIRR
Overheard by: mish
Middle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.
–5th Ave & Union
Overheard by: Stephen
Woman on cell: You tell him he better pay for it. I better get his money. He needs a dick up the ass, that’s what he needs. A fucking dick up the ass. ‘Cause I got it. I got it all. So he better fucking pay for it.
–Restroom, JFK
Overheard by: colette
Angry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don’t understand religion!
–Empire State Building, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt
Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?
–Chinatown bus
Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.
–3rd Ave
Overheard by: renata
Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!
–20th & 5th
Overheard by: I want to get on her plan
Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.
–1 train
Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.
–5th Ave
NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?
–Waverly & Broadway
Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
And a Kind of Sweater, Right?
Upstate girl: If you thought Geneseo was bad, you should see Angola; there’s really nothing out there.
Hipster boy: Angola? That sounds like a disease.
Upstate girl: Well, yeah — it’s an African country.
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Greybanks
And They Were All Out of ‘Nursing Mother’
Father: So, what are you going as for Halloween?
Daughter: A Hooters girl. I needed a costume where my breasts could be an accessory.
Father: Ah, makes a father proud.
–42nd & 6th Ave
God! The Sense of Entitlement These Kids Have
Teacher #1: What do they want me to do with my students? They expect me to be able to teach them and they are always late or absent.
Teacher #2: Yeah, my students are always getting shot or something and then they want special treatment and a make-up test.
Teacher #1: Yeah, I know what you mean — they must be gang members.
–86th & Broadway
She’s in British Columbia Denial
Girl #1: My brother drives between Alaska and Colorado once a year. It’s a really long drive.
Girl #2: Wait… I thought Alaska wasn’t connected to America.
Guy: It’s connected to Canada.
Girl #2: So, there’s like, a bridge?
Guy: No. It’s connected to Canada.
Girl #2: No, it’s not! It’s an island. Canada breaks up over there.
Guy: I swear to god, it’s connected to Canada.
Girl #2: No!
–Coffee shop, Mercer & 3rd
That’s It — a Bicycle!
Teen girl #1: Is it weird that I’m usually more horny when I’m on my period?
Teen girl #2: No. I am, too.
Teen girl #1: I mean, it’s really icky to masturbate, though, because blood and shit gets everywhere.
Woman on bicycle right behind them, trying to get past: Um, excuse me.
–Park Ave