Archive for 2006

Yeah, What Kind of Fucked-up Bush Grows Pickled Peppers Anyway?

Guy #1: That tongue twister "Sally sells seashells at the seashore" is whacked. Why would you sell seashells at the seashore when you can just pick up seashells at the seashore for free?
Guy #2: Because it’s nice and people are too lazy to look for a nice seashell in the seashore.
Guy #1: What will they do with a seashell? Just look at it?
Guy #2: You can listen to the ocean if you put it in the ear.
Guy #1: Why would I buy a seashell to listen to the ocean if I can listen to the ocean right there? It doesn’t make sense, son.
Guy #2: I don’t know. It’s just a tongue twister, man. It’s not supposed to make sense. Just like the pickle piper shit.

–Uptown 6 train

But He’s a Major Tourist Attraction

Manic tourist lady #1: Oh wow, the front of the train. I’ve never been in FRONT before. Look! Haha! No driver!
Manic tourist lady #2: No driver? Seriously? Excuse me, sir? Who’s driving this subway?

Local looks up from paper and looks around frantically.

Manic tourist #2: Wait, seriously? Oh my God, should we get off?
Manic tourist #1: Oh, calm down. He’s just joking. We can’t get off ’til Union Square.
Local: Ma’am, I swear to God that I’m not joking. Nobody’s driving this train. I’m just as terrified as you are.
Manic tourist #2: Oh, whatever. He’s one of those New York assholes we heard about. Ignore him.

–4 train, 59th St

Overheard by: got off too

Warning: This Story is Character-Driven

Rhodes Scholar wigger: Yeah, we ain’t together no more. Bitch had the nerve to dump me.
Friend: What happened? You guys looked fine last week. It doesn’t make sense.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: She wasn’t down with how I roll. Always dissin’ the way I talk and shit–you know, correcting me and shit. Said she couldn’t take it no more, that I was always actin’ ign-i-ant or some shit. Like she’s some brain scientist or some shit. Bitch was always wrong anyways.
Friend: Brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: What?
Friend: You said brain scientist. I think you meant brain surgeon.
Rhodes Scholar wigger: Dat’s what I said nigga, you just heard me wrong.
Friend: You know what, suddenly it does makes sense.

–Manhattan bound F train

Overheard by: SandmanEsq

Going Back to His Wife in Scarsdale

Ghetto chick: I’m pregnant
Thug: So?
Ghetto chick: What do you mean, "So"?
Thug: Shouldn’t you be having this conversation with your husband
Ghetto chick: And tell him what, that I cheated and got pregnant?
Thug: No, but you can tell him to pay for the abortion or he’ll be raising my kid, if it’s even mine.
Ghetto chick: What the fuck do you mean if it’s yours?
Thug: Bitch please! I’m a pimp, look I gotta go–you and your husband figure it out.
Ghetto chick: Where the fuck you think your going?
Thug: Bitch, I don’t answer to you. I’m out.

–875 3rd Ave

Overheard by: splashmaster

An Order of Magnitude Less Valuable

Hipster girl #1: Did you see Project Runway last night?
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, finally Vincent was voted off.
Hipster girl #1: I know, he should have been voted off a while ago
Hipster girl #2: Well, Vincent wasn’t the smartest guy in the world… I mean, he cashed in his 41k.

–4th & Bedford

Overheard by: hoppe