Archive for 2006

Or They Might Have Just Moved Manhattan around It

Hipster teen #1: Dude, where the hell is Madison Square Garden?
Hipster teen #2: Yo, I don’t know. My mom said it’s over here somewhere. It was right here last time I came!
Hipster teen #1: Dude, they don’t just move Madison Square Garden.
Hipster teen #2: Yeah, you never know, though. With all them terrorists and shit, they got to move stuff all the time.

–36th & Broadway

Overheard by: Corrie

Or We’ll Never Finish This Haiku

Middle-aged woman: … And you can’t just tell me what you thought of it?
Middle-aged man: I can tell you. I’ll tell you in two words: Anal intercourse.
Middle-aged woman: No, no. Give me three words.

–Broadway & 35th, Astoria

Overheard by: Three’s a Crowd

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Eugenics

Bimbo #1: I just want to move to another state, you know?
Bimbo #2: Yeah, like further south?
Bimbo #1: No, probably Australia.
Bimbo #2: Oh my God, me too! My cousin owns this train station, we could totally go!
Bimbo #1: Nah. I have a date tonight.

Headline by: johnny pissoff

· “All Aboard the Pangea Express” – Stitches
· “And Australia’s like, “WTF mate?”” – one L
· “Ashley crushes yet another of Jessica’s plans.” – Heidi
· “Besides, i dont speak german…” – senny
· “Crikey! Thank God the Stingrays Got Me Before They Arrived.” – Katie
· “Going Down, But Not Under” – sigh
· “It’s good to see Condy getting out more” – mp
· “Wait, You Have a Date? That Doesn’t Even Make Sense.” – 08kjl

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

It’s Actually a Bus Ride to His Mom’s in Hoboken on Sunday

Man on cell: I have to go to Bangkok — I’m getting a plane out tomorrow. Wait, what day is it today? I’m going Tuesday.
Couple nearby: It’s the 19th, a Tuesday.
Man on cell: Is it? I have no sense of time anymore without my computer. Everything is on my computer. Well, I guess I’m leaving Thursday then.

–M1 bus

Overheard by: Coulda sworn it was Monday.

Since I Broke My Little Brother

Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: … And then they gave her a breathalizer, and my mom said I couldn’t drink ’til ninth grade!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #2: My brother got a breathalizer!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: I want a breathalizer.
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: Why?
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: To play with!

–Indian restaurant, 6th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Ohmygodstopservingthem

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Door Prize

Conductor: All doors are created equal. Please use all available doors.

–4 train

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor, at 34th St: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [At 42nd St] Yo, stand clear the doors. [At 50th St] Yo, stand clear the bloody doors. [At 7th Ave] Yo, I ain’t playin’! Stand clear the fuckin’ doors!

–E train

Conductor: Listen, folks. I’m paid by the hour, so I can wait here all day. But if you want to get home, please get those idiots blocking the doors the hell inside the car. Thank you.

–3 train

Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is High Street. The next stop is Broadway-Nassau. Stand clear of the closing doors. You the maaan!

–C train

Overheard by: The Man

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, doors don’t hold people! People hold doors.

–R train

Conductor to woman who jammed her stroller into the subway doors: That was unbelievable. You are unbelievable. You just used a baby to hold open the doors.

–3 train, 14th St

Overheard by: clarence rosario

Wednesday One-Liners Say It, But They Don’t Really Mean It

Queer to hipster chick: Honey, you’re not a hipster! … I’m sorry I said that.

–New School University

Overheard by: smoon

Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me out. If you could give me just one penny, I’d really appreciate it. [Yuppie woman hands him a quarter.] I asked for one penny. You gave me 24 cents too much [hands the quarter back and walks away].

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Conservatively-dressed lady: I’m so sorry! My birth canal was showing!

–Atlantic Ave & Clinton St

Overheard by: amalthya & schizo

Dude on cell: I didn’t know you wanted to become priest… What?! You have to go through all that shit just to be a deacon?! My god! … Sorry man, I didn’t mean it like that…

–Union Square

Man on cell: I’m sorry, but I’m in New Jersey right now… When? Okay, Monday night… Of course I’ll be there, you have my word.

–M14 bus, Ave A

Lady suit: Now I am totally sorry I stalked you — it was so not worth the effort.

–47-50 Rockefeller Center train station

Overheard by: SandmanEsq