Archive for 2006

Where the Eggrolls Are Called Bay of Pigs in a Blanket

Foodie: Have you ever been to China Grill?
Non-Foodie: Is that Cuban food? –62nd & Broadway
Headline by: clarence rosario
· “You’re Confusing ‘Boat People’ With the ‘Cardboard Raft’ People” – Jo Jo
· “Close, But No Cigar” – andrew harrison
· “Con-Fusion Cuisine” – Greg Costello
· “Either Way You Feel Oppressed Again an Hour Later.” – Syd O
· “May I Take Your New World Order?” – jason daniel
· “Michelin Should Have Never Named it the Red Guide” – Fes
· “Public-School Geography Teachers Do Lunch.” – Doctor Whom
· “Sum Dim People Think So” – Constant Irritant

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Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude.

–Time Warner Center Elderly bathroom attendant, finding a used tampon on the floor: Whoever did this, I hope she die! That shit is nasty! I hope her pooty fall out and she die!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Leah Beirne Hefty guy: No, I will not take pictures of a dead body… Not if it only died for a few hours.

–Target, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: barbat Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don’t die now!

–52nd & 5th Proselytizer: Listen! Listen to me! You must abstain! Abstinence is the only way! I tell you the truth–if you have sex, you will get pregnant, you will get an STD, and you will die!

–125th St

Overheard by: slightly intrigued Woman: You’re born, yadda yadda yadda…You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die. –24th & 7th Overheard by: Dennis Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose…[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it’s not my fault. –Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-Liners Cast the First Stone

Girl: I don’t think “Keep your legs closed” is part of Catholic mass.

–Elevator, Brooklyn Law School dorm Guy on cell: That’s because I’m not a sinner…Well, I don’t consider that a sin.

–50th & 7th

Overheard by: Proud Sinner Man: If hell had a bathroom, this would be it.

–LIRR bathroom, Penn Station Passenger: This is the train to hell–and we’re in the first car!

–L train, passing 1st Ave without stopping

Overheard by: Ciara&Andrea Girl on cell: It’s not selling your soul to the devil if it pays the rent.

–Starbucks, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: M. Nofier Heathen: I’m worried because we’re going to Burning Man, which, you know, is not church camp. –Rope, Myrtle between Clinton & Vanderbilt, Brooklyn Overheard by: our lady mess Young queer: The Jesus man touched me funny! –36th & 6th Overheard by: He touched me too

Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

–1 train Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…

–1 train

Overheard by: sara n. Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

–18th & Park

Overheard by: edward Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!

–Wooster & Broome Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them. –Fordham Overheard by: Jess McGins Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry. –23rd & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called ‘Rubenesque’

Girl on cell: Oh my God, my love handles are out of control. When I was getting ready tonight, my fat got caught in my zipper.

–49th & 2nd Overweight girl: Guys don’t know what they’re missing. There’s some fine pussy under this gut!

–Queens College

Overheard by: Jimbob Watson Old Italian woman: If I die fat, whatever. Just as long as I make everyone else fat before I go, that’s fine. They can diet after I’m gone. Just keep my recipes is all I’m sayin’, ya know? –14th & 7th Overheard by: Dennis Guy: There should be more laws about people on planes. I once had to sit next to this really fat guy. He was so unapologetic about it! The rogue fat was spilling onto me. –G train Shrewd observer, commenting on NYU freshmen: They’re so ugly, and a lot of them haven’t started smoking yet so they’re really fat. –St. Mark’s & 3rd Little girl to large woman at paper towel dispenser: I didn’t get any, stupid fat lady! –Women’s restroom, Shea Stadium Overheard by: Robyn Z Art student: You ever seen a fat guy fall on a car? Like, the car just happened to be there? –Pratt Institute, Brooklyn Overheard by: TeN22

Wednesday One-Liners Are Here, They’re Queer, They’re Not Going Anywhere

Woman: And you are not a lesbian either! You are only gay on weekends. –Union Square Overheard by: Adam Bozarth Teen girl: I know Jimmy’s not gay because he stole my girlfriend. –R train Preacher: Mark my words–by sunrise you will be smothered in lesbians. –53rd & 5th Overheard by: Kaleena Thoughtful guy: I always thought that if I were gay I’d be the manlier one. But now that I think about it I’d want to be the girly one for all the free stuff. –26th & 1st Overheard by: Charles Guy on cell: Wait…Christ! It’s gayer than three snaps in Z formation in here. –The Hangar, Christopher St Overheard by: TK Midwestern guy: That is complete bullshit! How do you make a dog gay? –Century 21 Teen girl: It’s funny talking to him now. I mean, in the eighth grade we knew he was gay, but not take-it-up-the-butt gay. –Uptown 1 train