Archive for 2006

It’s Even Funnier If You Know What They’re Talking About

Girl #1: You’re a geek, too. You took your Lord of the Rings action figures to the opening night of Return of the King, and you made them sit on your lap and watch the movie.
Girl #2: That wasn’t me.
Girl #1: Oh yeah. That was me. But you like Dune.
Girl #2: Don’t you have a crush on Muad’Dib?
Girl #1: Oh yeah.

–Penn Station

And I Insist Upon Sharing All the Details of Our Love with You…Son

Thug #1: Your mom is a lady, bro.
Thug #2: I don’t want to hear no more of this shit. Go fuck her in the ass. Go fuck her in the ear. I don’t want to hear it.
Thug #1: No, dawg. She a WOMAN.
Thug #2: Fuck you, I said stoppit.
Thug #1: I know you smart. I know you smart. But she is a lady.

–61st and CPW

Overheard by: Lauren Michelle

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Wardrobe Malfunction

Young professional woman, trying in vain to flag a cab uptown: I should have worn something sluttier today.

–25th & Park

Overheard by: Mike S Business woman: All I need are some pasties, Daisy Dukes, and some four-inch heels. Then I’ll get a promotion.

–43rd & Lex

Overheard by: I thought that she worked in an office Girl: The place is Salsa-ey, so dress a little slutty.

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: Ronnie Q Tween girl in hot-pants and tight shirt: I can’t buy that. My mom doesn’t let me wear baggy clothes. –Target, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn Chick: I want hooker boots… but not in the heels. I want flats. –Hunter College Conservative guy: The second smartest person in this country is Ann Coulter. And let me tell you, she looks good in a pair of tight pants and Manolos at 2:30 in the morning. –Metro-North Overheard by: Stupid Liberal Hottie Chick on cell: Well, then I don’t feel so bad about going in a little vinyl skirt if you’re just going to be wearing underwear. –Harlem Overheard by: McFreaky

Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners

Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: nicole

Mets fan
: I don’t care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I’m good to go.

–7 train

Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair
: He’s a Boston fan; let’s kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.

–126th & St Nick

Conductor, on PA
: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister.

–Amtrak train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Lisita

MTA worker
: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left.

–Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station

Overheard by: Emily

: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he’s a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there.

–Q65 bus

Overheard by: A White Bear

: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is.

–D train

Overheard by: Lindsay J.

Wednesday One-Liners are Skin Deep, at Best

Guy, to twin girls: She’s the pretty one.

–8th & Hudson

Overheard by: Michelle

: Hey, baby! Oh, maaaan. You so gorgeous. I wanna paint you red. You wait. I’m gonna paint you red tonight.

–20th between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Baby

Hobo to hot girl
: I’ve been prairie dogging it the whole train ride, but I just want to tell you that you’re beautiful.

–34th St N station

Overheard by: Lara

Guy on cell
: She’s good looking, but not too smart — like Jessica Simpson. Not as dumb as her, but not as hot either, so I guess it kind of evens out.

–Duane Reade, 27th & Madison

Suit to friend
: But I was prettier back then.

–Church & Chambers

: Hey, gorgeous, how ya doin’?

Woman ignores him.

Guy: Well, well, well, aren’t we full of ourselves…

–14th & Broadway

: I only went out with her because she knows some hot lesbians.

–Hunter College

Look to Your Right and Left, NYU Class of 2010: One of You Wednesday One-Liners Will be Gone by Spring

NYU kid: I’m waiting for a roomba that runs on solar.

–Washington Square

NYU hipster
: Do you ever find a little self-deprecation to be charming?

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Joey Gillis

NYU chick
: I drink Sprite not Pepsi because you know, it’s colorless so there’s no fat or calories so I can stay thin. You drink Pepsi and that’s brown and thick so it’s got carbs.

–NYU dorm

Overheard by: Low Fat Soda

NYU girl
: I don’t like that sour is attached to cream; don’t let the fucking cream go sour!

–Williams & Wall

Overheard by: Genevieve

NYU girl
: So they call it a keg stand…they hold your legs up and you’re just supposed to drink out of the spout thingy. SOOOOOO weird, but the guy was hot so I did it.

–W 4th St

NYU student
: So I said, "I don’t care what time it is, you are supposed to be a lesbian!"

–Union Square Whole Foods

Overheard by: Batman

NYU girl
: Yeah, she did kinda look like a lesbian. I mean, she had really bad posture.

–Church & Murray

Overheard by: Jason

Wednesday One-Liners Could Pinch Hit for William Safire

Wardrobe consultant chick: Hey Jorge*, el foodo is here! Wait a minute, what’s the word again?

–Men’s Wearhouse, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: erak

Tourist woman on cell
: That’s not even the right thing to say to somebody in a fight. A "punk" is from the 50s. It’s like a tough guy or a street guy.

–56th & 5th

Woman on cell
: You know what pull my finger means? Well you better start pulling your finger. Pull it 24/7.

–12th & 1st

: Korean words don’t end in vowels, you fuckhead. Except for "Korea"… and "Hyundai".

–Chelsea Market

Yuppie dad lecturing two school-age sons
: Last week, this girl in my class said that something just sucked and I told her, "You know, when you’re in English class, vocabulary is cool, and it’s better to say that something is disappointing instead of saying that it sucks."

–Tip-Top Shoes, W 72nd St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Man on cell
: Do you know what trifling means?? No! It does NOT mean truffle-making!

–17th & 6th

Overheard by: Thirsty Violet

Guy, passing "La Bagel Delight"
: That means "The Bagel Delight" in


–7th Ave, Park Slope

Where in the World are Wednesday One-Liners?

Tourist: Is this 49th Street? Oh no, I think we’re at Times Square!

–Uptown R Train at Union Square

Overheard by: Limey

Lady on cell
: I’m on the corner by the trash can and the lamp.

–Union Square

Man on cell
: Wait, I’m on 4th and Broadway…Hey wait, are you me? Who are you?

–4th and Broadway

Guy on cell
: Ey! Eeeey! What, like you can’t SEE me? I’m up heeeeh, waving my arms like an ingrate!

–Shea Stadium, upper deck

Overheard by: Infield Fly

Guy on cell
: Yeah I’m here in the NYU park. We are gonna talk about feng shui. Not your feng shui, my feng shui.

–washington square park

Overheard by: ak

Guy on cell
: I can see a big building, can you see a big building where you are?

–University and 8th Street

Wednesday One-Liners Use the Socratic Method

Columbia grad student: …developing a really spectacular
sense of intellectual arrogance.

–Columbia University

Professor, receiving text message in class
: Ooh. That’s interesting. Invitation to go dancing, not from my girlfriend. Thank God I’ve got permission… We’re never going to get to anything today, are we? I’m so bad at this…

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chinese professor
: You see Chinese like tofu, you never use it.

–John Jay College

Overheard by: soccerking3t

Teen guy
: So I ended up in a dress. I don’t think English class will ever be the same.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Natasha

Sadistic professor
: Unfortunately we don’t flog people anymore. You usually pass out after you finish screaming.

–Fordham, the Bronx

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Drunken pre-med to drunken boy teetering on a concrete railing
: Reed, if you fall, I’m not a doctor yet!

–West Village, 8th & 14th

Overheard by: annie

NYU girl to professor
: So, if you’re sleeping with Nietzsche, you shouldn’t ask the question, "What are you thinking?"

–NYU classroom, Mercer & Houston