Archive for 2006

It’s Long, But We Think It’s Worth It

Heavy lady: I caught him the other day puttin’ lip gloss on. I was all like, ‘The hell you think you’re doin’, boy?’ He was all like, ‘I like the way it looks, it’s cool.’ I swear, we were in there, and he came running over to me. ‘Ma, Ma, can I have this?’ And he hands me a flavored lip gloss. I beat his ass right in the store. I mean, it tastes good, but I ain’t about him usin’ lip gloss. That boy ain’t right.

Interlude for passenger disembarkment.

Heavy lady: I swear, somethin’s wrong with that boy. He was on the phone with his boy for, like, two hours. I went to his room to see what he was doing. I swear he was jerkin’ off with his man on the phone.
Friend: With his friend?
Heavy lady: Mmmhm. He’s layin’ there naked, and he tells me he wasn’t doin’ nothin’… He was ‘hot,’ he says. Shit. I told his ass I don’t want his gay ass jerkin’ off on the phone.
Friend: Oh, no.

Interlude for passenger disembarkment.

Heavy lady: You know, my little one came to me and handed me something. She’s all like, ‘Can I have this candy?’ You know what she hands me?
Friend: What?
Heavy lady: A banana-flavored latex condom. I asked her, ‘Where’d you get this?’ You know, because I be usin’ polyurethane condoms, and my little one is only five and she don’t need to be usin’ condoms yet.

–Q train to Manhattan

Overheard by: Alex Agius

Get Outta His Way When He Finds Out the Truth about Santa…

Guy with fliers: Psychic readings! Only 10 dollars! Psychic readings!
Realist: Yo man, if that bitch knows where the money at, why don’t she go get it herself?
Guy, dropping fliers: Word! I’m going to go ask that bitch now!

–Union Square

Headline by: Allison

· “He’s a regular Nostra-Dumbass” – Smellface
· “I see dead presidents!” – The Amazing Gotcharocksoff
· “Miss Cleo: Your First Card Is Sucker, The 3 Of Sheisters” – the ace of spades
· “That Takes a Pair of Crystal Balls.” – DanK
· “We ALL saw that coming” – JP
· “While You’re There, Ask Her Where The Leprechaun At” – wookie

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Why There’s Snow on Top of Disney’s Matterhorn

Suit #1: I was so jet-lagged when I got back from vacation this summer.
Suit #2: Oh, man, I hate when that happens. Where did you go?
Suit #1: We took the kids down to Florida for a few weeks.
Suit #2: Yeah, that’s a long-ass way away. What’s the time zone difference there?
Suit #1: I’m pretty sure it’s, like, seven hours.
Suit #2: That makes sense. It’s like, almost in Mexico, right?
Suit #1: No, idiot. Florida’s the other way!
Suit #2: Really? My bad.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mike N

Wednesday One-Liners Enforce the Penile Code

Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious.

–Henry St & Clinton St

Overheard by: Jeannie

Hipster girl to friends: … And that’s why guys shouldn’t try to suck their own dicks.

–Dominie’s Hoek, Long Island

Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead!

–Wall St

EMS worker: … And that’s how my penis landed in the punch bowl.

–Fordham & Southern

Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock?

–Mercer & W 3rd

Overheard by: TheBrit

Woman in an ‘Officer Nasty’ costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis!

–Party, 168th & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter Pecker

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Little Bit of Lube and a Whole Lotta Love

Queer: So I’m fucking this guy in the ass, and he tries to kiss me, and I’m like, ‘What the hell are you doing?’

–University Place

Hobo: And then the fucker slapped his cock in my ass!

–5th Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: A bum rap

Queer: I expected something better and all I got was the big dick in my ass!

–Mobile station

Dude: I swear, if Bob Dylan was a chick I would totally fuck him up the ass.

–8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: Yeah, I’m talkin’ big, wet butt-orgy.

–46th St & 7th Ave

Man: Anal is such a pain in the ass, you know?

–Astor Place