Archive for 2006

It’s Actually a Bus Ride to His Mom’s in Hoboken on Sunday

Man on cell: I have to go to Bangkok — I’m getting a plane out tomorrow. Wait, what day is it today? I’m going Tuesday.
Couple nearby: It’s the 19th, a Tuesday.
Man on cell: Is it? I have no sense of time anymore without my computer. Everything is on my computer. Well, I guess I’m leaving Thursday then. –M1 bus Overheard by: Coulda sworn it was Monday.

Since I Broke My Little Brother

Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: … And then they gave her a breathalizer, and my mom said I couldn’t drink ’til ninth grade!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #2: My brother got a breathalizer!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: I want a breathalizer.
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: Why?
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: To play with! –Indian restaurant, 6th St & 1st Ave Overheard by: Ohmygodstopservingthem

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Door Prize

Conductor: All doors are created equal. Please use all available doors. –4 train Overheard by: Maggie Conductor, at 34th St: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [At 42nd St] Yo, stand clear the doors. [At 50th St] Yo, stand clear the bloody doors. [At 7th Ave] Yo, I ain’t playin’! Stand clear the fuckin’ doors! –E train Conductor: Listen, folks. I’m paid by the hour, so I can wait here all day. But if you want to get home, please get those idiots blocking the doors the hell inside the car. Thank you. –3 train Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is High Street. The next stop is Broadway-Nassau. Stand clear of the closing doors. You the maaan! –C train Overheard by: The Man Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, doors don’t hold people! People hold doors. –R train Conductor to woman who jammed her stroller into the subway doors: That was unbelievable. You are unbelievable. You just used a baby to hold open the doors. –3 train, 14th St Overheard by: clarence rosario

Wednesday One-Liners Say It, But They Don’t Really Mean It

Queer to hipster chick: Honey, you’re not a hipster! … I’m sorry I said that. –New School University Overheard by: smoon Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me out. If you could give me just one penny, I’d really appreciate it. [Yuppie woman hands him a quarter.] I asked for one penny. You gave me 24 cents too much [hands the quarter back and walks away]. –Brooklyn-bound F train Conservatively-dressed lady: I’m so sorry! My birth canal was showing! –Atlantic Ave & Clinton St Overheard by: amalthya & schizo Dude on cell: I didn’t know you wanted to become priest… What?! You have to go through all that shit just to be a deacon?! My god! … Sorry man, I didn’t mean it like that… –Union Square Man on cell: I’m sorry, but I’m in New Jersey right now… When? Okay, Monday night… Of course I’ll be there, you have my word. –M14 bus, Ave A Lady suit: Now I am totally sorry I stalked you — it was so not worth the effort. –47-50 Rockefeller Center train station Overheard by: SandmanEsq

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Rubbers

Girl: Those weather websites are so unreliable. They all say different things. The other day, I went to one, and it was like, ‘Partly sunny.’ Okay. Then I went to another, and it was like, ‘Party cloudy.’ They’re all different. –NYU residence hall, Lafayette St Overheard by: Rusty V Guy selling umbrellas: Acid rain in the forecast today. Acid rain all day. Get your umbrellas! –86th & Lex Overheard by: Wondering what the umbrellas were made out of Girl: The rain is the tears of Republicans. –Hamilton Hall, Columbia University Overheard by: alex High school chick on cell: The glaciers are gonna melt and the sea is gonna rise, and then you best hope it doesn’t rain… I don’t know, I haven’t read that far yet. –Spring St Overheard by: Dan Suit on cell: It’s raining like a whore! –Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called ‘Caucasian’

Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man’s shit in there. –Trump Tower, 5th Ave Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town? –Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn Overheard by: they’re coming Woman: But it’s Aryan night… –116th & Broadway Hobo playing guitar: I’ve got three kids at home — I’ll take anything. I’ll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people’s money, change, food, weed… I’ll even take white people’s money. –1 train Overheard by: trooshieb Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain’t come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th. –7 train

No-Class Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Man, it was harder to cheat on that test than to just do it! –23rd & Lex Overheard by: Lisa Girl on cell: Yo! I’m in class trying to act all straight, and it’s hard. No, I have a test right now. I took like four o’ that shit. I have to go, my professor’s here. –John Jay College of Criminal Justice Overheard by: hannah JAP: Well, the professor hates me. He only thinks of me as the girl who leaves 20 minutes into his class, and I don’t know how to change it. –Shun Lee Palace Overheard by: colette Student: Shit, my iPod is more important than my classes. –Borough of Manhattan Community College Overheard by: Caitl Hipster teen: He got rejected from community college? He must have written on his essay, ‘I want to prey on Bronx Science kids and mug them.’ –6 train, 68th St Overheard by: glad they went to private school

Wednesday One-Liners Have Lost Their Group

Teenage boy tourist: Times Square is by far the coolest part of New York. It’s almost like heaven! –Times Square A tourist is craning his neck to photograph the Empire State Building. New Yorker: What is he looking at?! … Oh. –34th & 5th Tourist: There isn’t anywhere within walking distance. –53rd & Lex Overheard by: Not a Clueless Tourist Hobo, after stealing someone’s luggage: Tourists need to be more careful when they come to New York City. –6th Ave & 23rd St Overheard by: BOB Sled Tourist dropping money in front of frozen female mime he’s been staring at for five minutes: That was truly incredible. Thank you so much. –Outside MoMA Tourist: I guess we should go to the Ground Zeroes. –5th Ave & 13th St Overheard by: Sally Tomato Thug: Just push them out of the way. They’re tourists, they’ll love it. –Times Square Overheard by: duffduff