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January 2006 Archives
There Goes the Lady Bic
White guy: So, do you have any plans for this evening?
Asian girl: Yeah, being angry!
White guy: Oh, that sounds good.
--Houston & 1st
Overheard by: Kristin
Don't Forget About Jack Bauer Power Hour
Guy #1: So this Jack guy is basically the luckiest man in the world.
Guy #2: Why, because he's survived like 5 attempts on his life and it's not even noon?
Guy #1: No; he could totally nail those two chicks.
--6 train
It's an Auditorium, Not a Nebula
Dad: Could you tell me where the auditorium is?
Security guy: It's on the second floor.
Dad: Wait, you mean it's actually in the building?
--Hunter College High School, 94th & Park
You Can't Trust Those Damn Slags
Girl: But, I mean, it's not like I ever plan on giving birth.
Guy: Well, if your mother gave birth, it's like your chances are good that you'll give birth too.
Girl: ...Uh, dude, your mother gave birth.
Guy: Absolutely.
--Park Slope
Guy #1: I don't mind getting old; I love getting old.
Guy #2: Yeah, just as long as you don't get pregnant.
--Grove & Bleecker
Eternal Silence is Eternal Consent
Chick: Are you saying you would have anal sex with my lifeless body?
Guy: No. No, I'm not. I'm insinuating it.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Awful Cold Out for Such Thin Skin
Hobo: Can you spare any change?
Man: Sorry, no.
Hobo: Who the hell you saying no to? I wasn't asking you anyway, asshole!
--106th & Broadway
Overheard by: Leonor M.
Burying People Often Causes Brain Damage
Hobo: Excuse me, this is a picture of my daughter Sofiya, she was in a fire recently and now she is brain damage can you spare some change so that we can give her a proper funeral? Anything will help, even a penny.
Man: Wait a minute! Is this the same daughter that was in a fire last summer? You mean to tell me you haven't buried her yet?
--4 train
Overheard by: Leslie DJ
Dude, It's 17 in New York
Guy: How old are you?
Hipster girl: You know, I never answer that question. Because to me, it's about how mature you are, you know? I mean, a fourteen year old could be more mature than a twenty-five year old, right? I'm sorry, I just never answer that question.
Guy: But, uh, you're older than eighteen, right?
Hipster girl: Oh, yeah.
--Knitting Factory, Leonard Street
Overheard by: Sarah Doogs
The Noid Has Gotten Much Subtler
Queer #1: What should I get? I'll have a falafel. Ha, ha!
Queer #2: I'll have one of these lamb slices.
Pizza guy: Eggplant.
Queer #2: No, one of these.
Pizza guy: That's eggplant.
Queer #2: Oh...Well, it looked like lamb.
Queer #1: I'm gonna throw caution to the wind and get a cheese slice.
Queer #3: That's not lamb. Maybe you should ask for a duck confit slice.
--Sal's, 7th & A
Overheard by: Domi
Hamas Has Won Here, Too
Man: Is this kosher?
Vendor guy: Um...there's kosher salt in the bacon.
--Union Square
Dude, Talk to Your Godfather
Man #1: Yo! You just picked your nose! You're not gonna wash your hands first?
Man #2: Why? It's not like I picked your nose.
--24 Prince, Prince Street
Overheard by: Steve D
I Knew a Girl Like That Once
Guy #1: You're the first person I've seen that washed their hands before going to the toilet.
Guy #2: My godfather was a doctor and he got it into my head at a young enough age that I had to always do it.
Guy #1: Really? He must have been a bit of a strange doctor.
Guy #2: Yeah...He specialized in infectious diseases.
--Milk and Honey bathroom, Eldridge Street
Take It Up with Saint Peter
Girl: Why do I have to die, why can't you die?
Guy: No.
Girl: Well...that's not fair.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Joe
The Most Beautiful Crabs in the World
Old man: You are the most beautiful woman in the world.
Girl: Aw, thanks!
Guy: She has crabs!
--Times Square 1/2/3 station
Overheard by: Meaghan Stefaniak
That's Because He Hadn't Found Jesus
Guy #1: What can I say? I'm a sucker for orphan stories.
Guy #2: Or something.
Guy #1: Think about it: I loved Lemony Snicket, Party of Five, Diff'rent Strokes, Star Wars.
Guy #2: Yeah. Wait. Luke wasn't an orphan.
Guy #1: Well, he sort of was, spiritually.
--34th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: cityhick
"Tell me you didn't fall asleep!"
Guy: I could be fired for 8 counts of sexual harassment last night.
Girl: Yeah, and that's just on me alone.
Guy: Oh man, really?
Girl: Yeah, but you bought me a drink, so it's okay.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guys Like That Much More
Asian girl: I really like sleep sex.
White girl #1: What's that?
Asian girl: You know, when you're sleeping and you wake up and you're having sex. Sleep sex.
White girl #2: You mean getting raped?
--1st Avenue & 9th Street
"Sorry, I was thinking about my mistress."
Little boy: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?
Dad: Of course.
Little boy: Will you remember me next week?
Dad: Yes.
Little boy: Next month?
Dad: Yup.
Little boy: Next year? Two years? Three years?
Dad. Yes, yes and yes.
Little boy: ...Knock, knock.
Dad: Who's there?
Little boy: Aw, man! You forgot me already!
--1 train
Overheard by: Kathleen
The Literal Opposite of "#1 Dad"
Guy #1: Bitches are all emotional, guys use their head. That is why I call emotional guys "bitches."
Guy #2: Word.
Guy #1: But bitches are crazy, they will call the cops on you now. They will slap themselves in the face and when the cops show up they will point at you.
Guy #2: Fo' sho'.
Guy #1: That is why I ain't got no kids. I don't want a bunch of my seed running around and people calling me a scumbag because I don't take care of my kids. Bitch will turn on you for that child support.
Guys #2: I know my girl ain't gonna be doing that because she know I'm only making minimum wage.
--1 train
If They're Gonna Clean, They're Gonna Clean Stool
Woman: I remember kindergarten. I got lots of candy and everyone wanted to play with me and I used to wet the bed a lot.
Man: You used to what?
Woman: I used to wet the bed. So they decided to move my bed farther away from the bathroom.
--Manhattan Diner, 77th & Broadway
The Writers Switched From Funny to Educational
Tween girl #1: I'm gonna call that number 1-800-DIVORCE. I want to divorce my parents.
Tween boy: You can't divorce your parents, stupid. Can you marry your parents? No!
Tween girl #1: Technically, technically you can but that's just sick.
Tween girl #2: You're not really divorcing your parents. It's more like they giving up they rights.
Tween girl #1: Look, I call it divorcing your parents because that's what they called it on The Simpsons so that's why I say it.
--Q train
Chuck E. Cheese Himself Had Syphilis
Queer #1: That used to be a fun place. Remember that backroom? That was a fun backroom!
Queer #2: Are you nuts? It was a nasty firetrap full of gropey old trolls, people came on me without my permission, and I had my wallet stolen!
Queer #1: True.
--20th & 6th
That's Some Serious Koan Shit
Woman: Hi!...Oh, I thought you were someone else.
Man: I am.
--52nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mitch Mahan
The Opposition to the Burger Crown Meets
Indian mom: Eat your chicken.
Drunk Irishman: Ach, what nice bebbies. I have a child too.
Indian mom: That's nice.
Drunk Irishman: Just the one, though. The doctor told me wife, that's it. No more chidren for you.
Indian mom: I see.
Little girl: Grandma, who is that man?
Indian mom: I'm your mother, not your grandmother.
Drunk Irishman: Her boss made her lift a 500 pound piano all by her self. A tiny woman! A 500 pound piano!
Indian mom: I see.
Drunk Irishman: So no more children. And me one of nine, you know. Including the one deadborn one.
--Wendy's, Astoria
Overheard by: Loretta P.
Year of the Jackass
Guy #1: Why did you cut your knish like you're an Asian person?
Girl: Because I'm a jink!
Guy #2: Anna, you are one crazy cookie.
--Astoria
Man: I have never seen so many chinks in one Starbucks in all my life.
--Starbucks, Crosby & Spring
Overheard by: Jas
Guy: This is, like, the third time they've made me feel stupid in public. God, I hate Chinese people!
--Houston & Suffolk
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Dynamism of a Foreskin is Unsettling
Girl: I think its a complete failure as an expression of ideology, but it is aesthetically pleasing.
Guy: What, circumcision?
Girl: No, Futurism.
--MoMA
Overheard by: Ian W.
A NSA Tattoo Works Wonders
Guy #1: So I had ex sex last night.
Guy #2: How was it?
Guy #1: Amazing as always, but now I'm fucked cause she's gonna start calling me again.
Guy #2: Imagine that, you sleep with someone and then they call you...Crazy.
--1 train
...And This is Your Brain on Sean Hannity
Tween girl: Why isn't she smiling?
Mom: Honey, the French gave her to us. Smiling is an American thing.
Dad: Listen to your mother, she knows a lot.
--Circle Line
A Rooster's Bitch, Probably
Girl: Whatever, tell your brother to go back to prison, learn how to read, and then he can talk to me.
Guy: But you egged his car! You egged his fucking car! What kind of bitch eggs someone's car?
--26th & 8th
Overheard by: Emily Ackerman
He Was Speaking to the Toilet
Drunk guy: You're the best lookin' thing in here.
Waitress: Number 1, I'm not a thing. Number 2, thanks!
--1849, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Chumbodonk
Expropriated from the Black Man
Pizza guy: You can't get a slice, man. Your money is fake
Dude: My money is real. I get it at the bank. Straight from the white man.
--Broadway Pizza, 27th & Broadway
He Took Care of That Himself
HS girl #1: I saw on TV last night they were saying how you can bring people back from the dead.
HS girl #2: Uh, how dead?
HS girl #1: Like Hitler...
HS girl #3: That's crazy. I read the Bible. You can not bring people back from the dead.
HS girl #2: Fool, they brought Jesus back from the dead.
--Health Opportunities High School, South Bronx
"And have the same name as my sister?"
Chick #1: Girl, my feets is killin' me. I's goin' home, gettin' in bed, put on the TV. I'm done.
Chick #2: Change your name to Saran, 'cause it's a wrap.
--Times Square station
Just Rub the Big Toe
Girl #1: Your room always smells so good, like coconuts and coffee. It reminds me of the Caribbean. What kind of candles do you have?
Girl #2: That's not from a candle. The coconut is from the foot cream I use so my feet don't stink and the coffee smell is there because I spilled some on my carpet and never cleaned it up.
Girl #1: Oh...where can I get the foot cream, then?
--Starbucks, 17th & Broadway
It's Talk Radio, Live!
Bag lady: Could someone spare some change? My welfare was denied.
Crazy lady: Yeah, yeah, they denied mine the first time too. Get over it.
Man: Does anyone know how to get to--
Crazy lady: They aren't listening, they aren't going to talk to you. They can't talk. They are all mute.
--F train
"...Go stand by her, by the edge."
Asian chick: So that's it, then?
Asian guy: Yep.
Asian chick: We're breaking up, then?
Asian guy: Yep.
A few minutes pass.
Asian chick: Hey, you'd look good with that girl up there in the pink checked coat.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Taffy Doublewide
Piccadilly Looks Different on TV
Tourist lady #1: Is this it?
Tourist lady #2: I think this is it.
Tourist lady #1: You'd think they'd have signs or something.
Tourist lady #2: Yeah, this must be it, though.
--Times Square
He Totally Got the Vanilla
Fratboy: This one is awesome. Chicks love it....or, um, dudes, if you're into that kind of thing.
Suit: I am, thank you.
Fratboy: Awesome. Good save, huh?
Suit: Yeah. Thanks for the recommendation.
Fratboy: Anytime.
--Vintage New York, 93rd & Broadway
Orange and Raspberry are Fruits, Too
Hobo #1: What flavors you got?
Clerk guy: We have regular, orange, raspberry, and vanilla.
Hobo #1: We'll take vanilla.
Hobo #2: Vanilla? What are you, gay?
--Nizga Liquors, Avenue A
Overheard by: A. Sterling
That Reminds Me; I Need to Get a Gun
Store girl: Here's your receipt and have a happy holiday!
Store guy: The holidays are over.
Store girl: Valentine's Day is coming up.
--Mazzone True Value Hardware, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Rob
Thug guy: Yo, happy New Year's, man.
Janitor guy: New Year's is over, yo.
Thug guy: Happy Mother's Day!
--Port Authority
Ran Out of Cheeks to Turn
God Squad man: Jesus saves! Books $1 only.
Guy: Fuck Jesus.
God Squad man: Fuck your mother...and your father. Jesus saves people. Books, $1.
--34th Street B/D/F/V/N/Q/R/W station
Overheard by: j-mo
It's Like Being in Subway Purgatory
Guy #1: We goin' uptown or downtown?
Guy #2: Nigga, we goin' sideways.
--L train
Girl: I went to Boston this weekend. Mostly just to avoid the L train.
--Williamsburg
Guy: I can't believe I was cockblocked by the L train.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Chelsea Miller
Beggars Can Be Choosers
Chick: Are you hungry? I have some leftover vietnamese food you can have.
Hobo: Well, what is it? I'm religious. I don't eat pork.
Chick: There's no pork. It's just vegetarian noodles.
Hobo: Noodles? Nah, I'm trying to cut back on carbs.
--Grand Central food court
The Plus is They Look Shaved
Lady cop: Did you hear about that handyman in the Long Island school who was videotaping the little girls?
Cop guy #1: Yeah, he's a sick fuck!
Cop guy #2: Yeah, sick fuck! They're little girls, it's not like you can see anything good!
--108th Precinct, Sunnyside
He Couldn't Step
Hipster guy: I need a woman to love me so I can alienate her. The love part, that's where it gets difficult.
Girl #1: Oh, come on. It's so easy to find a needy bitch.
Girl #2: Have you tried AA?
--Astoria
You're a Real New Yorker When You Don't
Girl #1: I haven't seen our homeless guy lately.
Girl #2: We have a homeless guy?
Girl #1: Yeah, the guy who lives on that mattress under our building.
Girl #2: Oh yeah...I hope he's okay, I haven't seen him all week.
Girl #1: You know you're a New Yorker when you worry about where your homeless guy is.
--27th between 5th & Madison
Overheard by: Lauren Lerner
To the Water Tower!
Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I'll buy you a drink.
Sober girl: No, thanks. There's a five dollar cover.
Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I'll give you five dollars.
Sober girl: I don't dance.
Drunk guy: I think you're hot.
Sober girl: I'm sorry...Watch out. You're setting yourself on fire.
Drunk guy: I'm on fire for you, baby!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: djlindee
He Obviously Doesn't Believe in Disco
Tourist guy: Why do the buildings in New York have water tanks on the
roofs?
Cop guy: I don't know...maybe they knock it over if the building
goes up in flames.
--Bowery & Delancey
"So the S is for Super and the U is for Unique?"
Guy #1: Man, I really need to listen to more rap.
Guy #2: Dude, you don't need to listen; you need to live it.
--Half King Bar, West 23rd Street
"Well, I'm 8, baby."
HS girl: I didn't want to listen to my dad explain sex to my mom.
HS boy: Why would your dad explain sex to your mom?
HS girl: Because my brother asked what the song, "Come my lady, come, come my lady" meant. And mom didn't know.
HS boy: What does that song have to do with sex?
HS girl: You don't know? You're the only person in the world who doesn't know.
HS boy: Your brother didn't know.
HS girl: My brother is 7.
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Susan Elliott
He's Hung Like a Pigeon
Guy: Yeah, that's the first thing I learned when I moved here: don't eat street meat, it's probably pigeon or something.
Girl #1: Yeah, I wish I could get my husband to stop eating it.
Girl #2: I don't care what kind of meat it is as long as it's in my mouth.
Girl #1: That's my sister; she's looking for a hook-up.
Girl #2: No, I'm not!
Guy: I'm married.
--Irving Plaza, Irving Place
Overheard by: Johnny Tremain
He's Hung Like a Colt
A little tries to stuff his baseball cap in his pants.
Mother: That cap belongs on your head!
Little boy: It is on my head.
--Macy's, West 34th Street
The Swine Were Even Wearing Pearls
Teen girl #1: Yeah, I ran away once, 'cause like, my parents were making me study for a science test.
Teen girl #2: Oh my god, you so don't have any problems. My parents are making me get a job!
Teen boy: Not having money to buy food is a problem. Not having an apartment is a problem.
--F train
2 Proposals, 3 Women, 5 Minutes
Drunk guy: Don't you fuck with me!
Sober woman: What?
Drunk guy: You sleep with a different guy every night!
Sober woman: I do not. What are you talking about?
Drunk guy: You love...me. You want to marry...me.
Sober woman: This is ridiculous. I've had enough. I don't have to take this anymore. Goodbye!
She leaves. He turns to the next table.
Drunk guy: Yeah, did you see that girl who just left? I just dumped her. Can I buy you two a drink?
--Rosie O'Grady's, 7th Avenue
Only Dead Pimps Give Up The Bling
Dude: Do you guys sell bling?
Store guy: All the way in the back, under the skeleton pimp.
--Halloween Adventure, 4th Avenue
Overheard by: Hank Luxford
I Vote for the No Kids
Guy: I'm like your gay boyfriend.
Girl: Kind of.
Guy: ...only without the gay sex part, of course.
Girl: Yes, and without the sense of style.
Guy: I don't know if I'd say that...
Girl: See, you're just very emotional. But you should really work on the style, 'cause it's the best thing about the gay.
--Virgin, Union Square
In Other Words, Limbo
Woman: Move in, motherfuckers, move in!
Yuppie guy: Wait for the next one, this is too packed.
Woman: Bitch, I have to be on this train!
Yuppie guy: This isn't the train to heaven, you know. It's, like, going to Queens.
--F train
Overheard by: Nickicaps
He's Crazy Because She's Totally a 7
Girl: One pack of Parliament Lights.
Vendor guy: You 18?
Girl: Well, I'm actually 22.
Crazy guy: Girly, you look like you are 10...but it's okay. I like that.
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: Ashley Graffeo
The Trains Ran One-way in Germany, Too
American girl: Yeah, the subway runs express out of Astoria and local into Astoria. It wouldn't make sense any other way. See all the people on the train?
German guy: Why would it only run express one way?
American girl: You're not from here, I don't expect you to understand.
--N train
Shave and a Haircut, Four Twits
Girl #1: You wanna hear something, like, totally outrageous?
Girl #2: Always!
Girl #1: ...One side of my hair grows faster than the other.
Girl #2: No way! That's so weird.
Girl #1: Yeah! Like, the right side grows faster than the left side, and I have to show up at a salon and have them cut off the right side but not the left.
Girl #2: ...You're weird.
--Carmine's, West 44th Street
It Was a Bridal Store
Teen girl #1: Let's go in this store.
Teen girl #2: I don't know...it looks kind of sketch. And there's a weird guy staring at us.
Teen girl #1: Come on! What have we got to lose?
Teen girl #3: Um, our virginity?
--St. Marks
Costello's Reincarnation Seeks a New Partner
Woman: Is that Perhaps?
Man: What?
Woman: Is that Perhaps?
Man: "Perhaps"?
Woman: Yeah, there's this dog called Perhaps that hangs around here. Yours looks just like it.
--Carl Schurz Park, Upper East Side
Overheard by: guillermo echevarria
She Buys It in Bulk
Teen boy: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dwayne and I am in a program that keeps me and other kids like me off the street. They have us sell candy for $1. All profits go directly to the youth program that keeps us off the street. If you would like to purchase Snickers, Twix or Starburst, they are only $1.
Hobo: Hey, lady! Hey, fat lady! Buy some candy. You like candy, don't you? Fat lady! Get some candy! Get some!
Lady: Asshole.
--6 train
Overheard by: Lydia M
"I only kneel for Christ."
Girl: Do you smell that? Smells like straight up pussy in this bitch.
Guy: I wouldn't know.
Girl: What do you mean you wouldn't know? It's pussy.
Guy: I wouldn't know. I'm gay.
Girl: Damn, son. So what does dick smell like?
Guy: Wouldn't you know? I mean when you get on your knees?
--M14D bus
Overheard by: Janelle Someone
Wednesday One-liners Read 1 Corinthians
Queer on cell: So I saw this store that was going out of business...Yeah, so I got a faith and three hopes...Or was it two faiths and three hopes?...Ha, yeah, there wasn't any love or anything. I bet I could sell a faith to Madonna for a hundred million dollars. Like, "Here you go, this is the most religious thing ever. More than you....bitch."...Ha, ha, yeah. "It has holy waters from all over the world. The Pope came on it."
--New School, West 13th Street
Overheard by: jimster
Wednesday One-liners Read InStyle
Guy: They had to cut off my favorite jeans, and my Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! hoodie. I was pissed, man. I made that thing myself. I put the pixelated blood on it and everything. I would have said
something, but you know, I was kind of unconscious.
--Canal Street 6 station
Overheard by: Caitlyn Howell
Wednesday One-liners Run to the WC
Guy: I don't know what they put in their food, but I took one dump, and then I had to take another!
--Downtown Brooklyn
Overheard by: Vic Payback
Wednesday One-liners Wear Gross Sneakers
Hobo: Hold the train! I'm just going to go get some sugar for my coffee!
--C train
Overheard by: Jenn B
Wednesday One-liners Build Up an Appetite
Woman: I mean, what kind of person marches their daughter into their sixth grade class and announces that their daughter just ate a whole chicken? Who does that? I never forgave her for that.
--Nails & More, Broadway between 98th & 99th
Overheard by: Jennifer Anderson
Wednesday One-liners Assume
Chick: Don't get too close to Paul because if he busts ass it's going to smell like Y2K!
--9th Street & 6th Avenue
Wednesday One-liners Make Great Pets
Announcement: Please do not disturb the canine dogs.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island
Come on Down, Wednesday One-liners
Blind man: Come on, follow me.
--Woodlawn
Wednesday One-liners or Best Offer
Girl on cell: I know! $100 for pills that aren't even for something that important....it's not like they're AIDS pills!
--Carroll Gardens
Wednesday One-liners Fantasies
Girl: The fuckin' R train is a motherfuckin' myth. I swear to god, it's the fuckin' unicorn: only fools and virgins can see it.
--Canal Street N/Q/R/W station
It's Not Looking Good, Wednesday One-liners
Guy: If Hitler were still alive and he were gay you would have thought he'd decorated that apartment. It was a soulless aesthetic abomination.
--Madison between 60th & 61st
Overheard by: daisy anna freund
The Wednesday One-liners Monologues
Southern girl: I got guys asking me to send them pictures of my cooter. It's like guys know when you're taken; they flock to you like bees to moldy bread.
--3 train
They Do Make TVs With Off Buttons Now
Guy: Omigod dude, the main detective guy from Law & Order: SVU guest stars as a pediatrician on Scrubs! I could never imagine him doing the things he's doing right now.
Girl: No dude, omigod, you know he was on Oz and he was a gay prisoner and he liked getting it in the ass and giving it too. That's extreme, man.
--Penn Station
More Like 2-3 Weeks
Queer: But wait, is English a race?
Guy passerby: Holy shit, that's going on Overheard tomorrow.
--Bleecker & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Guy passerby #2
We've Found Her Running Mate
Bike guy: Hey girl, I really like your red hair
Chick: Yeah, me too. That's why I dye it. But I don't like it nearly as much as I like not being interrupted when I am tryng to talk to someone.
--St. Marks & 3rd
Overheard by: ~dana
Let's Make Her Our Next Mayor
Cabbie: Are you going this way? I'm not turning around!
Chick: What the..? I'm not hitchhiking, I'm fucking paying you, and if I tell you to turn around you damn well better turn around!
He drives away.
Chick: Yeah, fuck you too, cunty Mr. Crack Whore.
Hipster guy: Lady, you need therapy.
Chick: Man, you need to stop sucking dick. And a haircut.
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Jesia Guera
He Should Be Hiring Skywriters
Teen girl: Wow, that's pretty big.
Teen guy: And it won't stop growing.
Teen girl: I think you need a doctor.
Teen guy: Oh yeah? What am I supposed to say? "Hey doc, my penis just won't stop growing"? Yeah, right.
Teen girl: Uh...maybe you shouldn't say that out loud.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Missy
Her Eggs Are Full of Cheese
Girl #1: There's no way I could get that guy. He is absolutely gorgeous!
Girl #2: What do you think you are? An omelette?
--Office, Broadway & 52nd
Overheard by: theallegedother
Straight from the Horse's Mouth
Sarah Jessica Parker: No honey, that's the litterbox. That's where the
kitty goes pee-pee and poo-poo.
--West 4th between Perry & Charles
The Dulcet Tones of Irrelevance
Girl #1: What language are they singing in? Is that German?
Girl #2: No, it's European.
--Virgin, Times Square
Damn, She Figured Out Our Plan
HS girl #1: Well, I do not want people cloning me. Unless God came to me in a dream and said, "Pilar, you need to clone yourself so that you can live again and save the world", then I will. But otherwise, I do not want people cloning me. Because if you get cloned you know you have to relive all your same problems and stuff. Isn't that how cloning works? Anyways, cloning is stupid.
HS girl #2: Yeah, cloning is stupid. Why haven't they been working on a cure for AIDS or breast cancer? They just want to make everyone die so they can clone them.
--Health Opportunities High School, South Bronx
That's What the Veterinarian Said
Girl #1: Ew, that horse is peeing.
Girl #2: Dude...that is a shitload of pee.
--Central Park South & 5th
Overheard by: samuel
Throw Her From the Train
Old woman: What, you want to push me out the window?
Old man: I would, but unfortunately you won't fit.
Old woman: Bastard.
--M31 bus
She Never Told Him About the Abortion
Clerk guy: Has anyone in this room been convicted of a felony? Come up to the front desk.
Husband: Okay, I'm going to go up there.
He returns 5 minutes later.
Husband: Hey, I'm all done. I told you you should've murdered someone, you'd be out too!
--Kings County Supreme Court, Downtown Brooklyn
Overheard by: Cassie Nicole
I Hope That Line Didn't Work
Girl: We can't have sex until we get married.
Guy: Sex is a form of marriage.
Girl: But we're not ready to get married.
Guy: Your mom.
--St. Marks & 3rd
Overheard by: spoons
Someone, Call 911!
Chick #1: Fucking shit, man, this bitch is kicking our asses!
Chick #2: You just used four different curse words in one sentence.
--Mark Lanes, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Becka Dash
That Just Means He Likes Kids
Girl #1: So this is the man you want to marry?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: And you said there were how many maggots on the turkey?
--3rd & B
My Friend in Atlanta Breeds Them for Sale
Guy: My dog is so racist. She is scared of black people. But she also hates the black people of dogs.
Girl: What does that even mean?
Guy: Pugs.
--33rd & 8th
Haggling, Haggling Hobos
Hobo: Hey, can you spare 20 cents?
Girl: Sorry
Hobo: Okay, 30 cents...40 cents...50 cents, but that's my final offer.
--59th & 9th
She's Mastered Basting in the Kitchen
Mom: ...so I was making a roast, but the thing was that I only had chicken stock gravy. Chicken stock gravy! So I used it! On the beef!
Chick: You live on the edge, Mom.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: djlindee
The Freak at the Next Table (A NYC Short Story)
Woman: Our biggest problem with sex was that he came too fast, because he was so into me. So now he uses desensitizing condoms, and that works a lot better, especially because it takes me a really long time to have an orgasm with him.
Woman: I was really anxious, so I went to my GP and she prescribed Klonopin. That completely took my anxiety away, but then my doctor said that she didn't feel that that was a good long-term drug. I guess I agree with that. I did take one Klonopin on the plane yesterday, but that was okay because it was just a recreational Klonopin.
Woman: Now that I'm a wife I thought I should be more proper, but it turns out he likes me slutty.
Woman: I think the most passionate sex I will ever have will be during some really passionate adulterous affair. I would have to make a really conscious decision not to have an affair; it would be like fourth-order cognition.
--Indus Valley, 100th & Broadway
We Can Only Offer Our Epathy
Man: Wait, so you're on Law & Order?
Epatha Merkerson: Mm-hmm.
Man: Wow, I don't watch the show, but my son and daughter do. What's your name? I'll have to tell them I saw you.
Epatha Merkerson: Epatha.
Man: Epala?
Epatha Merkerson: Epatha.
Man: Epasa?
Epatha Merkerson: E-path-a
Man: Ensala? Maybe I should write this down, I'm sure I'll forget. Emana, you said?
--Dentist's office, 35th & Madison
Overheard by: Mandy G
She Went Down on Washington
Guy #1: If I had a dollar for every time I saw her blowing a guy...
Guy #2: You'd have a lot of dollars?
Guy #1: One.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Amy Q.
My OVRHEARD Plates Are on Layaway
Lady: Oh, there's sales tax when you register a car?
DMV woman: Yeah, ther'e sales tax. You can't buy nuthin' without payin' no sales tax.
Lady: Well, this is the first car I've ever bought. Didn't I already
pay sales tax when I bought the car? I don't understand. What if I don't have the money? I don't have that kind of money on me. I waited an hour on this line for nothing. What do I do now?
DMV woman: Honey, we ain't got no installment plan.
--DMV, Atlantic Center
She Must Live in Williamsburg
Hobo: I need some money to buy food. Please help a brother out with any change you have.
Little girl: Hey mister, you were just in here.
Hobo: No, I wasn't. All homeless people don't look the same, you know!
Little girl: But you all dress the same.
--E train
Overheard by: Nina
Don't Forget Blind Hurdling
Teen girl #1: You know, the Special Olympics?
Teen girl #2: Special Olympics?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, Olympics for the retarded people.
Teen girl #2: You mean the wheelchair people that fight with each other?
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Alanna Higgins
Christ, What "Passion"
Hipster girl #1: So you're still writing songs and performing?
Hipster girl #2: Uh huh.
Hipster girl #1: And you're also acting, right? And modeling too?
Hipster girl #2: Yeah.
Hipster girl #1: Which would you say you're most passionate about?
Hipster girl #2: I guess I'd have to say the modeling.
--A train
Overheard by: Ayana
Chick: You've had the greatest sex with me. Right?
Guy: Yeah. I guess...
--Hi-Life, 83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Hilla
How Was There Pussy Talk at Barton?
Guy: I'm tellin' ya, if a girl's bathroom is dirty, that means that
her pussy ain't too clean, too.
Girl #1: Well, I have a clean bathroom.
Girl #2: Well, I'd be surprised if you said you have a dirty bathroom
after this conversation.
--David Barton gym, West 23rd Street
We've Found the Real Killer
Man #1: You dropped your glove, sir.
Man #2: That's how they caught O.J. Simpson, man!
--34th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Queenie
15% More for the Waiter
A guy stands up and vomits in the middle of the restaurant.
Guy #2: Seriously...you might wanna rethink this All-You-Can-Drink Sunday buffet.
--Candela, East 16th Street
Worst Umpire Ever
Little girl: Mommy, my ears hurt!
Mom: That's your third strike! I said stop!
She hits her daughter.
Little girl: That didn't hurt.
Mom: I will kill you right now, don't tell me that didn't hurt.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Zeve
That's Just What They Said About Jesus
God Squad guy: Jesus is the answer! Come to Jesus and he'll hold you in his arms! Come home to Jesus!
Guy #2: By the way, just so you know, the rest of us all think you're fucking nuts!
--St. Marks between 2nd & 3rd
overheard by: tourist girl
When I Graduated 5th Grade, I Was Rewarded with Implants
Young teen boy: She obviously must wear push-up bras, cause sometimes it's big and sometimes it's smaller!
Young teen girl: I wore push-up bras in like, 5th grade. But once you start wearing them you can't stop, cause then everyone will know! But I don't need them anymore, I caught up.
--F Train
Overheard by: TheKatiedidntwearpushupsin5thgrade...
Headline by: Fresca
Runners-Up:
· "But I'm Still Wearing Pull-Ups Panties" - JohnnyB
· "No Boobies Left Behind Is Working Splendidly for American Youth" - rachel
· "Overheard at Dolly Parton Junior High School" - Vasyl
· "Somewhere There's a Salvation Army Stocked with Wonderbras..." - RaRa
· "What You Call "Catching Up" Everyone Else Calls "Augmentation Surgery"" - If I can touch em.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
He Was Happy on the Insides (Now Outside)
Guy: You know what's really gross? Seeing the rats that get run over by the subway cars. They're all split open and stuff.
Girl: This one time I saw a rat get washed up on the shore. He was missing all his skin.
Guy: Did he look happy?
Girl: No.
--Columbia University
Why the City Never Sleeps
Bartender guy: Yo dude, block the door with your foot for a minute.
He does. Bartender guy then proceeds to cut a line on the top of the urinal, snort it, and return to work.
--Dorrian's Red Hand men's room, 2nd Avenue
The Tuition Costs Are Overwhelming
Station lady: Go down those stairs over there, and the track is on your left.
Old woman: Where?
Station lady: Down those stairs, on your left.
Old woman: Thank you! I wish I had your job.
Station lady: You couldn't handle my job.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: GregumsdaGreggy
A Hobaker's Dozen
Hobo #1: You got more teeth than me.
Hobo #2: Yeah, I got six, but three of them are broken.
Hobo #1: You got six and a half.
--6 train
Overheard by: jt castleton
Translation: You Need to Be Panted
Guy: Hi, I need to go to Nutley, New Jersey. I know that the 192 bus goes, but--
Ticket woman: Don't make yourself too comfortable, just ask.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: rafael
He Went There So He Could Announce It Publicly
Girl: Do you all have a financial planner? I think it's very important.
Guy: I didn't go to Harvard Business School just to let some guy from Cornell manage my money.
--Artisanal, Park Avenue
Overheard by: Swirve
The Rickshaws Are Still on Strike
Chick #1: I hate taking subways. They're so gross!
Chick #2: I know! So many dirty, smelly people. And it's so expensive.
Chick #1: Yeah, $2 is a lot of money.
Guy: Yeah, well, if you can find someone else to cart your ass around this city for $2, be my guest.
--2 train
Overheard by: Mikey
Marcia Cross: The E! True Hollywood Story
Drunk chick #1: I have the best blind date story ever.
Drunk chick #2: Oh yeah?
Drunk chick #1: My sister's friend flew from Australia to LA for a blind date, and she ended up flying to Aruba with the guy and marrying him like a week later.
Drunk chick #2: Wow. That's awesome!
Drunk chick #1: But I think she was just, like, 35 and desperate to get married.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: djlindee
If Anyone Has Insight, Let Him Calculate the Number
Two hobos are passing a bottle.
Woman: You can't do that! This is a passenger train...The blood of Jesus Christ! You can't do that; this is a passenger train! You need to find Jesus!...That is the devil's drink. By the blood of Jesus you need to repent!
Hobo #1: Lady, I am the devil.
Woman: You can't do that on a passenger train! If I see a police I will have you arrested!
Hobo #2: You wanna borrow my cell phone?
--F train
If You Have to Ask...
Guy: I just geeked out my profile by a million percent. What do you think?
Girl: Hold up, let me check...
Guy: So what do you think?
Girl: Yeah, that Evangelion child shit is weird.
Guy: Like how weird?
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Zah
We Have Ourselves a Match
Teen boy: Do you have any matches?
Counter lady: Can I see ID?
Teen boy: You need ID for matches? For just matches?
Counter lady: I can't give you matches without ID.
Teen boy: ID for matches...what the fuck is this world coming to?
--Bodega, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Tim Noonan
Cashier chick: "You've got cigarettes, but you don't have matches? That don't make sense!" We sell lighters, stupidass. Buy one.
--Walgreens, 4th Avenue
With What?
Mom: Shit, I ain't paying for peak hours.
Tween girl: I can hide in the bathroom.
Mom: Or you can flash him.
--LIRR
Overheard by: bekarloohoo
They Found the Stylist with an Aqua Net
Woman #1: So my mom is all depressed because of the Hurricane Katrina stuff, and she says she has no time to take care of herself. And I say, "It's just a call to duty, Mom." I mean, if she'd go to the beauty parlor...
Woman #2: The beauty parlor probably got destroyed.
Woman #1: Yes, and they had to build a new one. And I say, if she just goes in there and has them...fix her hair, or something...she'll feel so much better!
--H&M, Broadway & Prince
He's Got a Point
Girl: Hey honey, slow down. My feet hurt and I'm cold.
Guy: Why don't you shut the fuck up and walk? I want to go the fuck home, bitch.
--Canal & Mulberry
Overheard by: BabyGirl
That's Hunchback of Notre Dame
Tourist lady #1: Sweeney Todd...I heard that's a spoof on a cooking show.
Tourist lady #2: Oh, is it about Julia Child?
Tourist lady #1: I think so.
--49th between Broadway & 8th
The Unicorns Stood for White Power
Girl #1: ...so, my professor started talking about The Diary of Anne Frank.
Girl #2: Oh, Anne Frank! I used to love her! I had the diary, the notebooks and the pencils and everything.
Queer: What?
Girl #1: I think she means Lisa Frank.
--27th & 7th
"Try telling her that."
Guy: Wait, you had anal sex?
Girl: Yeah. It really hurt.
Guy: Well, what did you expect? Why did you do it?
Girl: You have to try everything once, just as my mother told me.
Guy: I don't think you're meant to include anal.
--Umi Sushi, 2nd Avenue
FYI: "Cat's in the Cradle" is on iTunes
Dad: Did you bring your book?
Teen boy: Yeah.
Dad: Oh good; that way we don't have to talk.
--Tekserve, West 23rd Street
Overheard by: Bethany Murphy
How Are His Prices? Are They Sane?
Woman #1: He's crazy.
Woman #2: No, no, no. See, when you say "crazy" I'm thinkin' crazy, like smashing-car-windows crazy.
--Atlantic Center
Chick #1: I know he's crazy.
Chick #2: Right, so you should be able to be like, "He's crazy", and
leave him.
Chick #1: But I'm used to his level of craziness.
--47th & Madison
Aim for Where Freedom Lives: The Head
Teen Asian boy: So, the spelling bee--
Teen Indian girl: Was one of the kids Indian?
Teen Asian boy: Yeah, there was an Indian kid and a white kid.
Teen Indian girl: So typical. My parents entered me in a spelling bee and I was fucking horrible.
Teen Asian boy: Ha, ha, ha! Anyway, there were those two kids and I just wanted to throw PlayStations at them and yell, "I'm setting you free! I'm setting you free!"
--McDonalds, Union Square
Overheard by: Rachel W.
It's a Train, Not a Glass Elevator
Yarmulke man: Excuse me, where does this train go to?
Do-rag guy: Florida.
Yarmulke man: Florida? Texas? California?
Do-rag guy: Yep.
Yarmulke man: Okay! Good.
--6 train
Overheard by: Rachel
We Also Carry Real New York Beatings
Woman #1: You ever just have one of those days?
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: I'm having a whole week. I swear to god. And I just walked here from...Oh, forget it.
Woman #2: Oh.
Woman #1: And now I can't even find my makeup! I swear to god, if they don't have it, I'm gonna fucking...I don't know!...I'll fucking kill a tourist!
Woman #2: Oh, I hope it's not me!...Ha, ha, ha!
5 minutes later.
Woman #2: That's her! That's her! That's the New Yorker who cursed at me and threatened me!
Woman #3: It's like seeing one in their natural habitat! I can't wait to tell everyone a real New Yorker threatened you!
Woman #2: I know! It's awesome!
--Sephora, Broadway between 43rd & 44th
Overheard by: Non-Bitchy New Yorker
Only If You Get Into a Shower After
Girl #1: It's so cool that we get to ride the train all day for free.
Girl #2: Yeah, I guess so.
Girl #1: We should just ride it all day to like, take advantage.
Girl #2: Ha, ha! Oh my god, that's so Jewish.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: October45
We Swallow Them Without Using Teeth
Chick #1: You know why guys don't like mushrooms?
Chick #2: Who said guys don't like mushrooms?
Chick #1: Because they taste like cum!
--N train
She Went to Hell Twice
Guy #1: I bought my dad a Clint Eastwood biography for Christmas. I feel like that's a pretty solid bet for any dad. Clint, Frank Sinatra, maybe Brando.
Guy #2: What about James Dean?
Guy #1: Yeah, I guess. What about that Vin Diesel?
Guy #3: You are seriously obsessed, dude.
Guy #1: Don't hate on the Diesel. Ooh, you know who everyone loves? That Anne Frank.
Woman: Anne Frank was a lesbo.
--The Strand
I Don't Care How Cheap the Gay Porn Is
Guy #1: I couldn't not buy it.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm thinking about it too. It's totally worth it.
Guy #1: I mean, there are two real porn stars in it. If it was just one, I could have passed it up.
Guy #2: Yeah, man. But for that price, you almost have to do it!
--4th Avenue between 11th & 12th
Overheard by: Corinne Hears-All
That's Mom's Nickname
Girl: Say, for instance, if somebody killed your mother and you killed theirs to get back at him--
Guy: Don't even suggest such a thing! You're talking to fucking Oedipus here.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Matthew Smith
When Her Burgundy Hair Was Wet
Woman: The color of the car is not burgundy; it's purple.
Man: No, I think it's burgundy.
Woman: No, it's purple. I should know what purple is, I used to have purple hair.
Man: ...You had purple hair?...When did you have purple hair?
--58th between 8th & 9th
"...What about in the Southern Hemisphere?'
Chick: Oh my god, my hair is so dark!
Stylist guy: Does it look fake?
Chick: No, I just didn't know it would be this dark.
Stylist guy: Well, it will look lighter when your hair dries.
Chick: Really?
--Ibiza Hair Salon, 4th Avenue
Overheard by: Kenzi
Didn't Quite Ace That Stuy Test, Huh?
Girl #1: Marilyn Monroe is, like, one of my idols.
Girl #2: Wait, isn't he that guy with the glass eye?
Girl #1: Um...no.
--Brooklyn Tech, Fort Greene
Overheard by: alina suriel
Yeah, Really Base People
Man #1: Honey, we don't have to see Memoirs of a Geisha. You lived it, didn't you?
Woman: You just know the right things to say!
Man #2: Some people make me wish that snow outside was really acid.
--Loews 42nd Street
Who Allowed Miss South Carolina Speaking Privileges Again?
Man to coworker: Yeah, sometimes we hike up to mount Kilimanjaro in the summertime.
Stupid woman: Oh, mount Kilimanjaro...is that in Vermont?
Man (taken aback): Uh, actually, it's in Tanzania.
Stupid woman: Where is that?
--1221 Avenue of the Americas
Headline by: k swin
Runners-Up:
· "It's Considered the Vermont Of Africa, If That Helps" - mac
· "It's Next to "The Iraq", Like Such As... Uh..." - Virginia
· "It's Southwest Of Vermont" - Edmund H.
· "Oh, Like Any Of You Can Point It Out on a Map?" - Natty
· "President Obama Is Still Weeding Out Bush's Staff...." - kim
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
May We Suggest Kiss From a Rose?
Woman: Yo, my cousin is going to be on American Idol.
Guy: Wow, she any good?
Woman: No, she's terrible, she sounds like a dying seal.
--36th & 7th
Overheard by: Brian
It's Like Fox News, Dumbed Down
Girl #1: Where did you hear that? What news have you been watching?
Girl #2: Canadian.
--Duane Reade, 57th & Broadway
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Koko Just Gave Them Both the Finger
Black guy: You would like him 'cause he looks like a gorilla, and they are from the Amazon like you.
White girl: Dummy, gorillas are from Africa; you of all people
should know that.
--Liberty between Greenwich & Washington
Wednesday One-liners for the Weathergirls
Chick: I wish it would snow so I could make a Kate Moss joke.
--F train
Wednesday One-liners Aren't Quite Amiable
Old lady: She came to me and said, "We the people of the 15th floor have decided that you are not friendly." And I said, "That's not in the lease."
--Key Food, Brooklyn Heights
Wednesday One-liners Start Spreading the Word
Guy: Don't ever give up your dreams. This is New York. It's not even about the numbers. I've come too far to give up my dreams. Don't give up your dreams...So Canal Street is this way?
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Esther
The Wednesday One-liners Brain Trust
Teen girl: This is, like, intellectual popcorn.
--Film Forum, Houston Street
Women Have Needs, Wednesday One-liners
Girl on Nextel: Oh baby, you shoulda woke me up...We coulda done the do again.
--Commerce Bank, 42nd & 9th
Overheard by: Meghan
Wednesday One-liners for the Thespians
Girl on cell: No...Well yes, you can call me back, just not between the hours of 8 and 10PM...Why do you think? It's Jack Bauer Power Hour!....Uh, times 2. It's going to be motherfucking terrorist-kicking time. That whispering bad ass mofo is going to be going on strong tonight for 2 hours. Praise Jebus!...Bam! Pop! Pow! Jacky should be the father of my children. I will however totally call you directly after the show.
--1st Avenue & 5th Street
Wednesday One-liners Aren't a Perfect Fit
Waitress: I just don't get it. Like, how can you be infatuated with me when you don't even know me?
--Deluxe, 112th & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners Drink Red Rum
Little boy: My favorite part of the game is when I get to kill, but you only get to kill other people in the wilderness.
--1 train
Overheard by: STD
Wednesday One-liners Need an MRI
Man on cell: Hello?...Yeah, I'm at the movies...Yeah, I know...I'm in the fucking theater!...I don't care if she needs brain surgery, I'm at the movies!
--Loews 19th Street East
Wednesday One-liners on Telemundo
Guy on cell: So how many Mexicans are trying to seduce you?
--46th & 8th
Overheard by: Ethan
Wednesday One-liners for Mr. Howell
Chick on cell: Mother! That duvet situation is a complete nightmare!
--59th & Madison
Wednesday One-liners Drop It Like It's Hot
Preggers: My baby's so low she can help me walk up steps. Mee-mur.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: scott nichols
Maybe He Was Doing Her a Favor
Girl: I heard on CNN today that this woman in France just received the first successful face transplant after she was mauled by her Labrador. They replaced like her whole nose and lips and chin or something.
Guy: Whoa.
Girl: I know!
Guy: I mean, I thought Labradors were, like, really friendly.
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: Lara P
It's Only the Beginning, Nixzerica
Little girl: Don't pull my hair!
Mom: I wasn't! I was just holding on.
Little girl: To my hair?
--D train
That's Not How Jesus Tells It
Tween boy: So he said, "Sex is a very beautiful thing, you shouldn't be ashamed about it."
Tween girl: Sex is a beautiful thing. Your parents had sex...or you were adopted.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: Nina
He Needs Wasabi for His Sushi
Hobo: Hey, can you spare me something?
Girl: Like what?
--Times Square
Overheard by: subwayrat
Going to the STD Clinic (A NYC Short Story)
Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster--
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.
Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They're ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra-Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it's really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what's their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it' all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart.
Indian chick: Anyway. I'm definitely thinkin' about havin' my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that's all.
--Chelsea Health Center, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: capn midnite
"Because she's dead."
Guy #1: Dude, I really want crab salad.
Guy #2: Okay.
Guy #1: I really want some crab salad. It's only five forty-nine per pound here! I think Im going to get a pound. I really want crab salad.
Guy #2: Dude, why don't you just eat out Ada?
--Deli, Broadway between 10th & 11th
Overheard by: tina t lin
"Yeah, I've got a hot blind date tonight."
Hobo: Hey look, I almost forgot my umbrella!...I came all the way back from the liquor store to get it. Hey look, a quarter!
Dude: Your day keeps getting better, doesn't it?
--Citibank, 56th & Broadway
Overheard by: Katherine
Man: Shut up, you damn queer!
Teen girl: Is that the Italian Embassy? I think it is. I'm pretty sure that's the Italian Embassy.
Mom: I have no idea.
Teen girl: I think it is. No...Oh, that's Versace.
Mom: What's Versace?
Teen girl: It's like Coach...or Prada.
Mom: You always know about the expensive brands.
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: jen the phenomenon
He Also Envies Civility and Decency
Guy #1: Oh my god, I know. I heard Versace is having a huge sale!
Man: Shut up, you damn queer!
Guy #2: He's just mad because he can't even spell Versace.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Nikki Starr
The Literacy is 50% Off Too
Nancy Bass: I'm pleased to welcome David Foster Wallace to our store. Recently, in the New York Times, renowned reviewer Ma...cocoa... Kaku...chooni...?
Thereupon David Foster Wallace gave the thumbs up.
--The Strand
Welcome Back to School, New York
Professor guy: Remember, next week's exam will cover all the material from the past three weeks.
Chick: Uh, 'scuse me? When are we going to get to the Zodiac signs?
Professor guy: Um, you do know this is astronomy and not astrology, right?
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Hello Clairice
The Weather's Not Cold Enough
Tourist lady: Excuse me, how do I get to Battery Park?
MTA guy #1: Uh, Battery Park?
Tourist lady: Yes, Battery Park.
MTA guy #1: Hmm, Battery Park. Battery Park. Yo, Battery Park? From here?
MTA guy #2: Battery Park?
Tourist lady: Is this a union joke?
--Times Square station
Overheard by: G-Lock
Lose and You Compete in the Special Olympics
B&T guy: Did you get home okay in the snow last night?
B&T girl: Yeah, but drinking and driving should be an Olympic sport!
B&T guy: That's why you should've just smoked.
--Manahatta, Bowery
Overheard by: Andrew Gamache
Man, Even His Grammar is Lazy
Guy: Yo, are we takin' the elevator upstairs, or what?
Girl: No, lazy-ass. We takin' the stairs.
Guy: Yo, I done told you that I just ate and I don't wanna work it off!
--14th Street A/C/E station
Overheard by: Grace
The Red Ones Swung Ohio for Bush
Dude #1: So, like I was saying, there are red ninjas, blue ninjas, green ninjas, and obviously black ninjas.
Dude #2: Who the hell would want to be a green ninja?
Dude #1: Maybe if you were in the jungle.
Dude #2: Genius!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Derelyn
The One That Guy Just Had
Girl: Oh look, this would be cute for the baby.
Guy: What baby?
--Gift shop, Empire State Building
Overheard by: Calvin
Those Crazy Pro-lifers
Woman: Well, they can run like $400 a ticket.
Man: $400 a ticket? Christ, woman, you're gonna make me have a baby!
--51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Morgan & Pam Bays
Always Showing Off the Awards
Guy: I haven't brushed my teeth in 48 hours.
Girl: Ew, that's so gross.
Guy: Hey, you're the one that's kissing me. Want to see some plaque?
--1 train
The Public Transportation Will Be All Backwards
MC guy: So...you've probably been out hitting the New Year's sales...What's the next holiday to get its own sale? Martin Luther King, Jr. Day? I wonder how they'll promote that sale.
Audience guy: ...Free at last!
--Sidewalk Cafe, Avenue A
Dr. King Must Have Been Dreaming
White guy on cell: Yo, shit nigga, this shit the bomb!
Black guy: If you close your eyes, he almost sounds like the real deal.
--Houston & Varick
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
With a Little More Drool and a Lot More AIDS
Tourist dad: Who's that over there?
Tourist mom: That's Yasser Arafat.
Tourist dad: Yasser Arafat? He sure is fat.
Tourist daughter: Kind of looks like Dad the time he put that towel over his head.
--Madame Tussaud's, West 42nd Street
Overheard by: Celeste Pietrusza
The Getaway Vehicle Had 1 Horsepower
Chick: How much for a ride?
Hansom guy: 45 dollars.
Lady cop: This is the last time I'm going to tell you, get off this street with this horse. If I see you one more time on this street I'm taking the horse and I'm locking you up! You hear me? I'll take this horse and I'll lock you up!
Hansom guy: Ha, ha! Fuckin' bitch.
--50th & 5th
Too Bad She Can't Be a Hottie
Chick #1: So how did your trial go?
Chick #2: It went well, it went my way.
Chick #1: That's great.
Chick #2: Yeah. The guy was actually nice; well, he was listed as a violent felon, but...
Chick #1: A nice violent felon?
Chick #2: Ha, ha...yeah. He tried to play the "my 88 year old dad and my wife and kids are here, I'm in rehab trying to clean up my life" card. But I put him on the stand for the whole day and caught him in all these lies.
--Broadway & 13th
Then Explain Maxim's Judge Judy Spread
Shopgirl #1: I can't believe she's in love with a guy who's 26.
Shopgirl #2: Well, my dad couldn't say anything if I went out with a guy who's 28 even, 'cause he married someone like 20 years younger than him.
Shopgirl #1: Wow, is she a hottie?
Shopgirl #2: She's a lawyer, so she can't be.
--4 Play BK, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mr. Donutsu
"...I didn't have to chop it down."
Girl: ...so I used to buy my drugs from a guy who would keep them in his prosthetic leg.
Guy: You mean his stump? Didn't that freak you out, having his stump all on your blow?
Girl: No.
--23rd & 9th
Overheard by: jose angel araguz
Yeah, It's Called the Internet
Chick #1: So how was it?
Chick #2: It was bitchfabulous.
Chick #1: Awesome. So it was bitchtastic?
Chick #2: Nice! I like that one. Yeah, it was bitchtastic.
Chick #1: And the coffee?
Chick #2: Bitchalicious.
Chick #1: Hey, I just realized someone might hear us.
--41st & 6th
At Least Then She Knew Which Student Was Leaving Her the Fish Heads
Philosophy professor: So you can see how the The Lord of the Rings did have some truths in it. Now, what was the ring called again, didn't it have a name or something? What was that?
Student, seriously: The precious.
--Fordham Lincoln Center
Headline by: Anna M
Runners-Up:
· "And, for Extra Credit: "What Has It Got in Its Pocketses?"" - Duncan Pflaster
· "Filthy Stupid Studentses!!!" - Parker
· "I Just Gollum Like I See 'em." - sp
· "No, I Meant Its Elven Name" - MLL
· "The Professors Like Them Raw and Wriggling Here" - Alex
· "The Rest Of the Class Just Had to Learn to Tolerate the Smell Of Dead Fish and Dirty Loincloth" - James
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Strong Enough for a Man, But Made for a Woman
Bag lady: I just pissed myself! Oh man, I stink! I pissed myself and I stink!
Hobo: I don't smell nothing.
--94th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: the Iroquois
David Blaine is Always Pulling Tricks
Drunk guy #1: I'm fucked up, man.
Drunk guy #2: Not as screwed as me, right?
Sober guy: What do you mean?
Drunk guy #2: I can't figure out whose freaking hand is down my pants!
--F train