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January 2006 Archives
There Goes the Lady Bic
White guy: So, do you have any plans for this evening?
Asian girl: Yeah, being angry!
White guy: Oh, that sounds good.
--Houston & 1st
Overheard by: Kristin
Don't Forget About Jack Bauer Power Hour
Guy #1: So this Jack guy is basically the luckiest man in the world.
Guy #2: Why, because he's survived like 5 attempts on his life and it's not even noon?
Guy #1: No; he could totally nail those two chicks.
--6 train
It's an Auditorium, Not a Nebula
Dad: Could you tell me where the auditorium is?
Security guy: It's on the second floor.
Dad: Wait, you mean it's actually in the building?
--Hunter College High School, 94th & Park
You Can't Trust Those Damn Slags
Girl: But, I mean, it's not like I ever plan on giving birth.
Guy: Well, if your mother gave birth, it's like your chances are good that you'll give birth too.
Girl: ...Uh, dude, your mother gave birth.
Guy: Absolutely.
--Park Slope
Guy #1: I don't mind getting old; I love getting old.
Guy #2: Yeah, just as long as you don't get pregnant.
--Grove & Bleecker
Eternal Silence is Eternal Consent
Chick: Are you saying you would have anal sex with my lifeless body?
Guy: No. No, I'm not. I'm insinuating it.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Awful Cold Out for Such Thin Skin
Hobo: Can you spare any change?
Man: Sorry, no.
Hobo: Who the hell you saying no to? I wasn't asking you anyway, asshole!
--106th & Broadway
Overheard by: Leonor M.
Burying People Often Causes Brain Damage
Hobo: Excuse me, this is a picture of my daughter Sofiya, she was in a fire recently and now she is brain damage can you spare some change so that we can give her a proper funeral? Anything will help, even a penny.
Man: Wait a minute! Is this the same daughter that was in a fire last summer? You mean to tell me you haven't buried her yet?
--4 train
Overheard by: Leslie DJ
Dude, It's 17 in New York
Guy: How old are you?
Hipster girl: You know, I never answer that question. Because to me, it's about how mature you are, you know? I mean, a fourteen year old could be more mature than a twenty-five year old, right? I'm sorry, I just never answer that question.
Guy: But, uh, you're older than eighteen, right?
Hipster girl: Oh, yeah.
--Knitting Factory, Leonard Street
Overheard by: Sarah Doogs
The Noid Has Gotten Much Subtler
Queer #1: What should I get? I'll have a falafel. Ha, ha!
Queer #2: I'll have one of these lamb slices.
Pizza guy: Eggplant.
Queer #2: No, one of these.
Pizza guy: That's eggplant.
Queer #2: Oh...Well, it looked like lamb.
Queer #1: I'm gonna throw caution to the wind and get a cheese slice.
Queer #3: That's not lamb. Maybe you should ask for a duck confit slice.
--Sal's, 7th & A
Overheard by: Domi
Hamas Has Won Here, Too
Man: Is this kosher?
Vendor guy: Um...there's kosher salt in the bacon.
--Union Square
Dude, Talk to Your Godfather
Man #1: Yo! You just picked your nose! You're not gonna wash your hands first?
Man #2: Why? It's not like I picked your nose.
--24 Prince, Prince Street
Overheard by: Steve D
I Knew a Girl Like That Once
Guy #1: You're the first person I've seen that washed their hands before going to the toilet.
Guy #2: My godfather was a doctor and he got it into my head at a young enough age that I had to always do it.
Guy #1: Really? He must have been a bit of a strange doctor.
Guy #2: Yeah...He specialized in infectious diseases.
--Milk and Honey bathroom, Eldridge Street
Take It Up with Saint Peter
Girl: Why do I have to die, why can't you die?
Guy: No.
Girl: Well...that's not fair.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Joe
The Most Beautiful Crabs in the World
Old man: You are the most beautiful woman in the world.
Girl: Aw, thanks!
Guy: She has crabs!
--Times Square 1/2/3 station
Overheard by: Meaghan Stefaniak
That's Because He Hadn't Found Jesus
Guy #1: What can I say? I'm a sucker for orphan stories.
Guy #2: Or something.
Guy #1: Think about it: I loved Lemony Snicket, Party of Five, Diff'rent Strokes, Star Wars.
Guy #2: Yeah. Wait. Luke wasn't an orphan.
Guy #1: Well, he sort of was, spiritually.
--34th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: cityhick
"Tell me you didn't fall asleep!"
Guy: I could be fired for 8 counts of sexual harassment last night.
Girl: Yeah, and that's just on me alone.
Guy: Oh man, really?
Girl: Yeah, but you bought me a drink, so it's okay.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guys Like That Much More
Asian girl: I really like sleep sex.
White girl #1: What's that?
Asian girl: You know, when you're sleeping and you wake up and you're having sex. Sleep sex.
White girl #2: You mean getting raped?
--1st Avenue & 9th Street
"Sorry, I was thinking about my mistress."
Little boy: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?
Dad: Of course.
Little boy: Will you remember me next week?
Dad: Yes.
Little boy: Next month?
Dad: Yup.
Little boy: Next year? Two years? Three years?
Dad. Yes, yes and yes.
Little boy: ...Knock, knock.
Dad: Who's there?
Little boy: Aw, man! You forgot me already!
--1 train
Overheard by: Kathleen
The Literal Opposite of "#1 Dad"
Guy #1: Bitches are all emotional, guys use their head. That is why I call emotional guys "bitches."
Guy #2: Word.
Guy #1: But bitches are crazy, they will call the cops on you now. They will slap themselves in the face and when the cops show up they will point at you.
Guy #2: Fo' sho'.
Guy #1: That is why I ain't got no kids. I don't want a bunch of my seed running around and people calling me a scumbag because I don't take care of my kids. Bitch will turn on you for that child support.
Guys #2: I know my girl ain't gonna be doing that because she know I'm only making minimum wage.
--1 train
If They're Gonna Clean, They're Gonna Clean Stool
Woman: I remember kindergarten. I got lots of candy and everyone wanted to play with me and I used to wet the bed a lot.
Man: You used to what?
Woman: I used to wet the bed. So they decided to move my bed farther away from the bathroom.
--Manhattan Diner, 77th & Broadway
The Writers Switched From Funny to Educational
Tween girl #1: I'm gonna call that number 1-800-DIVORCE. I want to divorce my parents.
Tween boy: You can't divorce your parents, stupid. Can you marry your parents? No!
Tween girl #1: Technically, technically you can but that's just sick.
Tween girl #2: You're not really divorcing your parents. It's more like they giving up they rights.
Tween girl #1: Look, I call it divorcing your parents because that's what they called it on The Simpsons so that's why I say it.
--Q train
Chuck E. Cheese Himself Had Syphilis
Queer #1: That used to be a fun place. Remember that backroom? That was a fun backroom!
Queer #2: Are you nuts? It was a nasty firetrap full of gropey old trolls, people came on me without my permission, and I had my wallet stolen!
Queer #1: True.
--20th & 6th
That's Some Serious Koan Shit
Woman: Hi!...Oh, I thought you were someone else.
Man: I am.
--52nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Mitch Mahan
The Opposition to the Burger Crown Meets
Indian mom: Eat your chicken.
Drunk Irishman: Ach, what nice bebbies. I have a child too.
Indian mom: That's nice.
Drunk Irishman: Just the one, though. The doctor told me wife, that's it. No more chidren for you.
Indian mom: I see.
Little girl: Grandma, who is that man?
Indian mom: I'm your mother, not your grandmother.
Drunk Irishman: Her boss made her lift a 500 pound piano all by her self. A tiny woman! A 500 pound piano!
Indian mom: I see.
Drunk Irishman: So no more children. And me one of nine, you know. Including the one deadborn one.
--Wendy's, Astoria
Overheard by: Loretta P.
Year of the Jackass
Guy #1: Why did you cut your knish like you're an Asian person?
Girl: Because I'm a jink!
Guy #2: Anna, you are one crazy cookie.
--Astoria
Man: I have never seen so many chinks in one Starbucks in all my life.
--Starbucks, Crosby & Spring
Overheard by: Jas
Guy: This is, like, the third time they've made me feel stupid in public. God, I hate Chinese people!
--Houston & Suffolk
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Dynamism of a Foreskin is Unsettling
Girl: I think its a complete failure as an expression of ideology, but it is aesthetically pleasing.
Guy: What, circumcision?
Girl: No, Futurism.
--MoMA
Overheard by: Ian W.
A NSA Tattoo Works Wonders
Guy #1: So I had ex sex last night.
Guy #2: How was it?
Guy #1: Amazing as always, but now I'm fucked cause she's gonna start calling me again.
Guy #2: Imagine that, you sleep with someone and then they call you...Crazy.
--1 train
...And This is Your Brain on Sean Hannity
Tween girl: Why isn't she smiling?
Mom: Honey, the French gave her to us. Smiling is an American thing.
Dad: Listen to your mother, she knows a lot.
--Circle Line
A Rooster's Bitch, Probably
Girl: Whatever, tell your brother to go back to prison, learn how to read, and then he can talk to me.
Guy: But you egged his car! You egged his fucking car! What kind of bitch eggs someone's car?
--26th & 8th
Overheard by: Emily Ackerman
He Was Speaking to the Toilet
Drunk guy: You're the best lookin' thing in here.
Waitress: Number 1, I'm not a thing. Number 2, thanks!
--1849, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Chumbodonk
Expropriated from the Black Man
Pizza guy: You can't get a slice, man. Your money is fake
Dude: My money is real. I get it at the bank. Straight from the white man.
--Broadway Pizza, 27th & Broadway
He Took Care of That Himself
HS girl #1: I saw on TV last night they were saying how you can bring people back from the dead.
HS girl #2: Uh, how dead?
HS girl #1: Like Hitler...
HS girl #3: That's crazy. I read the Bible. You can not bring people back from the dead.
HS girl #2: Fool, they brought Jesus back from the dead.
--Health Opportunities High School, South Bronx
"And have the same name as my sister?"
Chick #1: Girl, my feets is killin' me. I's goin' home, gettin' in bed, put on the TV. I'm done.
Chick #2: Change your name to Saran, 'cause it's a wrap.
--Times Square station
Just Rub the Big Toe
Girl #1: Your room always smells so good, like coconuts and coffee. It reminds me of the Caribbean. What kind of candles do you have?
Girl #2: That's not from a candle. The coconut is from the foot cream I use so my feet don't stink and the coffee smell is there because I spilled some on my carpet and never cleaned it up.
Girl #1: Oh...where can I get the foot cream, then?
--Starbucks, 17th & Broadway
It's Talk Radio, Live!
Bag lady: Could someone spare some change? My welfare was denied.
Crazy lady: Yeah, yeah, they denied mine the first time too. Get over it.
Man: Does anyone know how to get to--
Crazy lady: They aren't listening, they aren't going to talk to you. They can't talk. They are all mute.
--F train
"...Go stand by her, by the edge."
Asian chick: So that's it, then?
Asian guy: Yep.
Asian chick: We're breaking up, then?
Asian guy: Yep.
A few minutes pass.
Asian chick: Hey, you'd look good with that girl up there in the pink checked coat.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Taffy Doublewide
Piccadilly Looks Different on TV
Tourist lady #1: Is this it?
Tourist lady #2: I think this is it.
Tourist lady #1: You'd think they'd have signs or something.
Tourist lady #2: Yeah, this must be it, though.
--Times Square
He Totally Got the Vanilla
Fratboy: This one is awesome. Chicks love it....or, um, dudes, if you're into that kind of thing.
Suit: I am, thank you.
Fratboy: Awesome. Good save, huh?
Suit: Yeah. Thanks for the recommendation.
Fratboy: Anytime.
--Vintage New York, 93rd & Broadway
Orange and Raspberry are Fruits, Too
Hobo #1: What flavors you got?
Clerk guy: We have regular, orange, raspberry, and vanilla.
Hobo #1: We'll take vanilla.
Hobo #2: Vanilla? What are you, gay?
--Nizga Liquors, Avenue A
Overheard by: A. Sterling
That Reminds Me; I Need to Get a Gun
Store girl: Here's your receipt and have a happy holiday!
Store guy: The holidays are over.
Store girl: Valentine's Day is coming up.
--Mazzone True Value Hardware, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Rob
Thug guy: Yo, happy New Year's, man.
Janitor guy: New Year's is over, yo.
Thug guy: Happy Mother's Day!
--Port Authority
Ran Out of Cheeks to Turn
God Squad man: Jesus saves! Books $1 only.
Guy: Fuck Jesus.
God Squad man: Fuck your mother...and your father. Jesus saves people. Books, $1.
--34th Street B/D/F/V/N/Q/R/W station
Overheard by: j-mo
It's Like Being in Subway Purgatory
Guy #1: We goin' uptown or downtown?
Guy #2: Nigga, we goin' sideways.
--L train
Girl: I went to Boston this weekend. Mostly just to avoid the L train.
--Williamsburg
Guy: I can't believe I was cockblocked by the L train.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Chelsea Miller
Beggars Can Be Choosers
Chick: Are you hungry? I have some leftover vietnamese food you can have.
Hobo: Well, what is it? I'm religious. I don't eat pork.
Chick: There's no pork. It's just vegetarian noodles.
Hobo: Noodles? Nah, I'm trying to cut back on carbs.
--Grand Central food court
The Plus is They Look Shaved
Lady cop: Did you hear about that handyman in the Long Island school who was videotaping the little girls?
Cop guy #1: Yeah, he's a sick fuck!
Cop guy #2: Yeah, sick fuck! They're little girls, it's not like you can see anything good!
--108th Precinct, Sunnyside
He Couldn't Step
Hipster guy: I need a woman to love me so I can alienate her. The love part, that's where it gets difficult.
Girl #1: Oh, come on. It's so easy to find a needy bitch.
Girl #2: Have you tried AA?
--Astoria
You're a Real New Yorker When You Don't
Girl #1: I haven't seen our homeless guy lately.
Girl #2: We have a homeless guy?
Girl #1: Yeah, the guy who lives on that mattress under our building.
Girl #2: Oh yeah...I hope he's okay, I haven't seen him all week.
Girl #1: You know you're a New Yorker when you worry about where your homeless guy is.
--27th between 5th & Madison
Overheard by: Lauren Lerner
To the Water Tower!
Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I'll buy you a drink.
Sober girl: No, thanks. There's a five dollar cover.
Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I'll give you five dollars.
Sober girl: I don't dance.
Drunk guy: I think you're hot.
Sober girl: I'm sorry...Watch out. You're setting yourself on fire.
Drunk guy: I'm on fire for you, baby!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: djlindee
He Obviously Doesn't Believe in Disco
Tourist guy: Why do the buildings in New York have water tanks on the
roofs?
Cop guy: I don't know...maybe they knock it over if the building
goes up in flames.
--Bowery & Delancey