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February 2006 Archives
Robbie Sounds Like an Ashole
Girl #1: So, I don't know, I guess I'm giving up manicures for Lent.
Girl #2: Really? Shit! I'm not. Robbie would not be cool with that.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Katie M.
Go Back to Jersey, Girl
Chick: I'd do you.
Kevin Smith: No, you wouldn't. Not even if you were stoned and drunk.
--Jacob Javits Center
Overheard by: Heather
Test Some in a Kid First
Man: She needs to be on something.
Woman: She is; haven't you seen all the medicine bottles on her desk?
Man: She's got medicine on her desk? Let's go get some.
--50th & 8th
Overheard by: Jelly Bean
My Mom's Fucking Advice Was Way Off
Mom: ...and you have to hold my hand before we go out into the street.
Little girl: Best fucking advice ever.
--106th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Faith Isn't Quite Brain Surgery
Guy: How can you believe in God? You've never seen him.
Girl: Well, I believe you have a brain though I've never seen it!
--F train
This Book's Really Shitty
Mom: You couldn't even wait 'til we got to the bathroom.
Little boy: I told you.
Mom: You know you coulda held it.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Ben Couch
This Protractor's Really Shitty
Guy #1: Ever notice you can't fart on these subway seats?
Guy #2: I think it's the angle; I've had that problem before.
--4 train
Overheard by: Mike
This Cummerbund's Really Shitty
Guy: Why are you wearing tuxedo pants?
Jon Stewart: I want to raise my baby formally. It's black tie in the
house.
--Daily Show studios, 51st & 11th
Overheard by: Jess McGins
These Seats Are Really Shitty
Woman: Excuse me, where's the restroom?
Usher guy: Sixth seat on the right, ma'am.
--Eugene O'Neill Theater, West 49th Street
Talk About Hitting the Right Note
Guy #1: Shouldn't you guys be out looking for jobs instead of practicing four part harmonies?
Songbo: Shouldn't you be sucking his dick?
Guy #2: He does have a point.
--R train
Less Seeds
Chick: I wanna get some juice.
Guy: What juice?
Chick: POM juice.
Guy: Oh, please.
Chick: What's wrong with POM juice?
Guy: It tastes like pussy.
Chick: Like my pussy?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Prostate Cancer?
Girl #1: Sara, everything's not about you.
Girl #2: Everything's relevant to me.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Trix
He Should Be Getting Her Drunk
Man: Do you work or go to school?
JAP: I work.
Man: Really? Because you look young.
JAP: How old do you think I am?
Man: 19?
JAP: Do you really think you should be hitting on a 19 year old girl?
--Falucka, Bleecker Street
Meanwhile, Mary Jo Looks Like Two-Face
Woman #1: Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Amy Fisher?
Woman #2: No.
Woman #1: Well, you do. I mean what she did was wrong and all, but she was a beautiful woman, so are you.
--6 train
She Hails from Crawfordheim
Vendor guy: Do you like manga? Have you heard of yaoi?
Woman: I'm sorry. I'm German. I'm a little retarded when it comes to language.
--Jacob Javits Center
Sorry, the Evil Priest Positions Have Been Filled
Woman #1: I've been thinking lately that I want to be a gynecologist.
Woman #2: That'd be so cute! You could deliver babies and everything!
Woman #1: Oh. Well. Actually, I don't really like children. I mean, I'd be willing to kill them, but I wouldn't really want to deliver them...
--Nevada Smith's, 3rd Avenue
Meet Katrina Levy
Drunk girl #1: I have so many beads.
Drunk girl #2: Stop showing your tits!
Drunk girl #1: I can't!
--Mars 2112 ladies' room, 51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Lauren Lerner
She's Calling It Rape Now?
Suit #1: So, they fired everyone in your department, but they offered you to stick around for two months and help them with the transition period?
Suit #2: Yeah, they said that there was a very good chance they would keep me on a permanent basis if everything went well.
Suit #1: And you said...
Suit #2: I told them to go fuck themselves. I mean, you can't come into my house, rape my mother, and then expect me to go out drinking with you.
--3 train
Overheard by: J.J. Taveras
"I can't read Arabic."
Woman: I want to report that there is a drawing of Hitler at the bottom of these stairs.
MTA lady: Well, is there anything anti-Semitic written with the drawing?
--225th Street 1 station
Overheard by: adam
Who's Your Daddy?
Man: Ay, Mami, looking good today...
Woman: Can't you see I am with my son?
Little boy: You're his mommy too?
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: Constantino
That's Being Chi-curious
Girl #1: Wow. Akiva Goldsmith's really made something for himself...for a Jew.
Girl #2: God you're a racist.
Girl #1: What makes me a racist? I'm part Jewish.
Girl #2: An hour ago you asked me why all Asians look the same.
--Loews Lincoln Square, West 68th Street
Overheard by: Pop Iris
Until He Changed His Name at Tisch
Conductor: The man in the yellow hat, please get off the train. We
don't take passengers at Fordham.
Woman: Isn't that Curious George's owner?
--Metro-North
I'm Thinking Tisch
Girl: How do you like NYU so far?
Guy: I like it a lot.
Girl: So, are you at least bi-curious yet?
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelvin M Loh
Guy: Hey, I haven't seen you in, like, two years.
Girl #1: Yeah, not since that time we made out at Cristina's party...then you went to Paris.
Guy: ...I'm gay now.
Girl #1: Oh.
Girl #2: NYU boys should really come with warning labels.
--Waverly Building elevator, Waverly Place
There's Plenty of Ass in the Mirror
Teen guy: You owe me a buck, I didn't complain about gettin' no ass all day.
Teen girl: How about a blowjob instead?
Teen guy: You serious?
Teen girl: Sure...
Teen guy: I bet you wouldn't be good anyways. It's a whole dollar.
Teen girl: Well, you missed out...
Teen guy: How about you come to my roof sometime?
Teen girl: Man-whore.
Teen guy: You can't call me that, I haven't gotten any ass in months.
Teen girl: Ha, ha. I get more ass than you!
--E train
Overheard by: teenagersarefunny
They Came from the Gap
Guy: ...Newborn babies are pretty small, yo.
Girl: Not small enough to fit in your pocket!
Guy: What if you were wearing cargo pants?
--A train
Overheard by: rachel
Still Not Ready to Make a Commitment
Girl: Why don't you just make a list of things I need to change about myself so I can be more like you?
Guy: Okay, let's start with your tooth brushing. How about rinsing off the toothbrush before you put it back into the cabinet so there is not old toothpaste and spit dripping off of it? And how about rinsing after you brush?
Girl: Anything else?
Guy: No, I think that's the only thing you need to change about yourself.
--88th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Bill
That International Five Ring Circus
Woman: So the Olympics are in Italy?
Man: Yeah, Torino.
Woman: Where's that?
Man: Italy.
--Bryant Park
The Dead Don't Cry on Their LiveJournal
Girl #1: You should see this guy. He's like the reincarnation of Gerard Way.
Girl #2: Gerard Way's not dead.
Girl #1: He's emo. He's dead inside.
--E train
Nah, He Never Needs to Transfer
God Squad lady: Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming!
Girl: Well, is he going to be getting off the S train? 'Cause I'll just meet him there.
--Port Authority
Head You Win, Tail You Win
Hobo #1: Penny for the homeless?
Hobo #2: You've got to be universal, you can't just ask the pretty women.
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Joe Q
Like a Big Blue Monster Sitting in Your Heart
Guy #1: Cookies!
Girl: I don't know if I want to bring in the cookies tomorrow; they're so heavy.
Guy #2: You know what's heavier? The guilt you'll feel for disappointing us.
--The Strand
Barbie was Right About Math Class
Girl #1: I'm serious, I'm 23
Girl #2: No way you ain't. I'm 23, and I'm 28,
--Olive Garden, Times Square
"Stop proving it."
Teen boy: Wow, look, my feet are bigger than yours!
Dad: So what? My dick is bigger than yours!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Sarah
We'd Think It's Performance Art
Guy #1: I just need a few dollars to get on the train. I lost my wallet.
Guy #2: Sorry, I'm broke. I don't have anything.
Guy #1: Everyone in this city is broke! No one wants to help anyone! They wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire!
--50th & Park
Overheard by: Ethan
That Doesn't Sound Like Aramaic
Yarmulke guy: Bush fascista, se tenemos ser la lista! Bush fascista, se tenemos ser la lista!
Woman: Do you think he's Orthodox?
Man: He's Orthodox crazy.
--G train
Overheard by: quitecontrarian
The Mona Lisa Just Burst Out Laughing
Guy: Hey, you seen that movie Grizzly Man yet?
Girl: No, but I really really want to.
Guy: Yeah, it's so good. Hey, you know they're making a movie about the bear guy? Already! And guess who's starring in it!
Girl: I dunno...
Guy: Leonardo da Vinci!
Girl: Who?
Guy: You know! Leonardo da Vinci! Leonardo da Vinci!
--New School elevator, 13th & 5th
Overheard by: Halli Civelek
Their Governor is a Big Dick
Store guy: Hello, how can I help you?
Chick: I'd like a meatball sub.
Store guy: would you like a six inch or footlong?
Chick: Footland.
--Subway, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Mike
She's Right on the Mark
Guy: Hey, you`ve been reading that book for a long time.
Girl: It's a good book. It's my dad's. He already finished it. He's reading mine.
Guy: What's it called?
Girl: Children of Cain.
Guy: What's Cain?
Girl: I don't know. Dad?
Dad: I think it's from the Bible.
Guy: Ah.
Mom: Cain was from the Bible, he was one of two brothers. And I believe he did something naughty.
--Metro-North train
One Chow Fun, Coming Up
Lesbian #1: Shh, don’t say that! Call it ordering out.
Lesbian #2: Okay, fine. We haven't ordered out much lately, but do you still want to have sex with me?
--Q train
The Hearing Aid Went Out
Old woman: Did you hear what I said? Did you hear me?
Old man: I heard you, woman. But I can't hear you now!
--116th & Lenox
"This muffin tastes funny."
Shopgirl: Can I help anyone with anything?
Man: Yeah, can you give me a lobotomy? 'Cause I really need one.
Shopgirl: Sorry, no.
Man: C'mon, just bring out a sledgehammer!
--Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker Street
Snuffy Ain't No Secret Anymore
Guy: We have to figure out a way to get rid of her bird.
Girl: I hate birds like that. They're full of secrets and dust.
Guy: And lice and opinions.
--13th & A
"Do they fuck?"
Guy #1: So what are you doing this weekend?
Guy #2: I am heading out for my niece's birthday party.
Guy #1: Nice. Is she hot?
Guy #2: Well she's only 3, but she has some cute 4 year old friends I could introduce you to.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Brian
The Other Kind of Baby Shower
Girl #1: ...but I mean, it would have been so cute if we had gotten pregnant at the same time...
Girl #2: Yeah, i'm kinda bummed...
Girl #1: We would totally get our abortions together!
Girl #2: Oh my god, we would!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Penelope Galleon
The Colonel's 11th Spice
Girl: She is so fucking dirty. I swear, whenever she touches her hair she has to wash her hands.
Guy: Or make fried chicken.
--52nd & 10th
Knowing the Answers is the Point of a Test
Tween girl #1: So did you pick London for question #7?
Tween girl #2: Yeah, I think so. I think I did really well.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, me too. I just hope we don't have to take the test again.
Tween girl #2: Why would we have to take it again?
Tween girl #1: Well, if they get three or more lawsuits, they have to give everybody the test again.
Tween girl #2: But if they give it again, won't we know the answers? Are you saying they give us the 8th grade test?
Tween girl #1: No, they give us the 7th grade test.
Tween girl #2: So won't everyone know the answers?
Tween girl #1: No, I think they give us next year's 7th grade test, so we wouldn't know the answers.
--1 train
Overheard by: Starbuck Venice
Yeah, He Probably Was Stronger Than Her
Girl: This is not going to happen. My mother taught me respect. I know you understand that. I do not give it out on the train. Not my name, not my number. You understand that.
Dude: Yeah, I hear you. I can respect that. Nothin' but respect.
She gets off the train.
Dude: Man, I fucked way finer girls than that. I'm sayin', I could've got off the train with her and fucked that bitch.
--4 train
Overheard by: DA
That's the Ticket!
Crazy codger: I'm on the sex train. Wooha.
Conductor guy: Tickets, please.
Crazy codger: We're all gonna have fucking sex!
Conductor guy: Tickets.
Crazy codger: What the fuck do you want? Sex?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Dan
Jealous Doesn't Begin to Describe It
Chick: Are you Jon Lovitz?
Jon Lovitz: Jealous?
--Union Square
Stepmom is on the Fence
Girl: I have to go to the doctor soon.
Guy: Why?
Girl: Because I can't breathe.
Guy: That's not good.
Girl: Yeah, my dad doesn't think so either.
--Rubin Hall Residence, 5th Avenue
Uh Oh, She's Radioing for Backup
Cashier girl: You have more than 10 items.
White man: Who are you? Are you the items police?
Cashier girl: You're only allowed to have 10 items.
White man: Fine, but I have two of the same items, so does that count as one item or two?
Cashier girl: I have to call the manager.
--D'Agostino, 76th & Lexington
Overheard by: Andrew Saint John Goodwin
A Fist Will Make Her Deep
Guy: You should become a lesbian. It seems to be working out for everyone else.
Girl: Yeah, um, I'll have to pass.
Guy: You're so shallow.
--A train
Overheard by: drewseph
This Sounds Better in a Courtroom
Guy #1: All I remember is walking into your room and everyone was smoking opium and sitting on the bed that was two feet from the ceiling.
Guy #2: Yeah, and remember Mr. Millard?
Guy #1: Yeah, remember when he died?
Guy #2: Oh my god, yeah, I was so happy, that fucker!
--L train
Overheard by: Mary C.
It's John Bay-ner, Pervert
Salesman#1: How do you pronounce this guy's name?
Salesman#2: I'm afraid to try; I might chip a friggin' tooth.
--Jacob Javits Center
Overheard by: willy k
Smells Like Teen Suicide
Girl: What if I Bobsted?
Guy: I can't believe you are asking me this.
Girl: Do you think my parents would at least get the 50 thousand back?
--Hayden Hall Residence elevator, Washington Square West
That Would Be Quite Some Strike
Hobo: Spare some change?
Hipster dude: Uh, I gave some to the last guy.
Hobo: Hey man, this ain't a unionized situation.
--34th & 7th
Van Helsing Put His Stake in Her
Girl: Oh god! That woman stinks of garlic.
Guy #1 : What, the one picking her nose?
Guy #2: Maybe she's trying to dislodge a clove of it or something...
Girl: No, it's more chest-based. Like she rubbed it all over her breasts.
--F train
Something Dimwitted This Way Comes
Guy: ...so he digs stuff like Fahrenheit 451 and all--
Girl: "451"? Er, 9-11, you mean.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Cap'n MidNite
sU R skooB
Teen boy: What you readin'?
Hasidic man: It's the Bible in Hebrew.
Teen boy: Oh...Where'd you get it?
Hasidic man: In a store that sells books in Hebrew.
--F train
They Sure Carved Names for Themselves
Litte boy: Dad, what's something I can learn?
Dad: Do you know how to use a chainsaw? I can see if I can get the chainsaw working.
--B train
Overheard by: The Bling
Guy #1: How was that class for you? Was it like a war?
Guy #2: For me? It was more like walking through a preschool with a chainsaw.
--181st & Broadway
"Word?"
Hipster guy: That's a cool coat, it's pimp.
Ghetto guy: Thanks...Did you say "pimp"? I'm not a pimp.
Hipster guy: No, I meant pimp like cool.
Ghetto guy: Oh, okay...It's not real. I'm a vegan.
--A train
Overheard by: M.E. Patton
"Wow, That's Awesome"?
Guy #1: You know what we need? A nice breeze.
Guy #2: What the fuck are you talking about? It's cold as balls.
Guy #1: I was being ironic.
Guy #2: That's not ironic. Ironic is like...shit, I don't know. Like that song.
Guy #1: Naw, man. That's what people think, but ironic is when you say some shit but you mean some other shit.
Guy #2: Motherfucker, that's facetious.
Guy #1: Yeah...Then what's ironic?
Guy #2: How the fuck should I know? You the nigga with the GED.
--49th & 7th
Was They for Serious?
Hipster girl: I still don't understand why they say "word."
Hipster guy: Well, I think it's because they don't know what word to use. Like, they get so excited they can't say anything else.
Hipster girl: Why don't they just say like, "Wow, that's awesome" or something?
Hipster guy: That just makes you sound like an idiot.
--G train
Overheard by: Justin Fitzgerald
There's a Bad Viagra Joke in Here Somewhere
Little boy: Dad, why did his legs pop up like that?
Dad: Rigor mortis, son. Rigor mortis.
--New York State Theater, Lincoln Center
Wednesday One-liners Got Late Night Munchies
Mom: Excuse me, Mr. Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffin, that's a little revisionist, don't you think?
--Park Slope
Wednesday One-liners Miss St. Elsewhere
Guy on cell: I don't think it's time yet to do the professional intervention thing. I mean if she drops down below 90, then maybe it's time. But I'd like to her get down to 95, then she would be hot. As long as she doesn't lose those 5 in her tits. Shit, she has nice tits.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Clothes Make the Wednesday One-liners
Guy: You know, for a hundred dollars, you can get that old mink stole
made into a teddy bear!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Ron Caldwell
Wednesday One-liners Get Baked
Jamaican woman: Oh mahn, I used to get so high and den turn on dat Spanish channel so loud and just sit in front of it and listen.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Future NYer
Wednesday One-liners for Fuck Machines
Old lady: No, Henry, trust me. You were never a fuck machine, and I certainly did know how to fake it.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Marc Mitchell
Wednesday One-liners Like Cans of Beans
Hobo: Well, mathematically speaking, I'm fucked.
--2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Maddog
Hobo: I don't steal. I don't snatch purses. I don't bother women. But don't get me wrong, I'm not a homosexual. But I do bathe. And I do sleep on the subway 'cause I am a bum.
--4 train
Overheard by: Jen McC.
Hobo: Anybody want to take the day off and cuddle with me? It's kosher!
--52nd & 5th
Overheard by: Jess
Hobo: I'm just tryin' to get some pussy here and all y'all gotta come up in here and bother me. Damn.
--PATH train
Overheard by: Everett Moran
Hobo: I've been shitting plastic lately.
--Q60 bus
Overheard by: Ben
Hobo: Please help me...Please help me...I need money to buy popcorn...Please help me...I need a hot meal...I need money to buy popcorn.
--53rd & Park
Hobo: Uh oh, uh oh! You make a big doo-doo! It's okay. I make big doo-doos too.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Melissa Cole
Hobo: Spare a little change, girls? That's all right, God bless you...even the Chinese girl.
--Bank & Bleecker
Hobo: The tax man has a licence to kill. No questions asked. More people should know that.
--5th Avenue-53rd Street station
Overheard by: Tzvi Tampa
Hobo: If you see a suspicious black package on this train do not pick it up. If you see a large, black package on my seat after I leave, do not worry. It is not a bomb. I've been riding this train for fifteen years. Leave it for the Coney island clean-up crew. They'll take care of it. It is not a weapon, it is not filled with hundred dollar bills, just don't touch it...Did you know that Union Square is a hundred years older than Times Square?
--N train
Overheard by: Zelda
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the interruption. I am trying to raise one million dollars and 25 cents for wine research.
--4 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Hobo: All you people who just got on the train, everybody in this car already gave me $7. Everybody gave me $7 but you.
--6 train
Girl: So I saw this homeless guy walking down the street with, like, all the bags and stuff, and he had something bewtween his teeth!
--6 train
Hobo: Hey man, help an ugly dude out, will ya?
--33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Brian Graham
Hobo: What's the holdup? Let's get this train moving! There's people gots to go to work, gots to go to school! There's pregnant people! Court musicians!
--R train
Hobo: Yeah, a couple of Jewish lawyers out to fuck the world...Shee-it.
--42nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Ronald A. Veenker
Wednesday One-liners City Scenes
Man: When I told her I worked for the State of New York she seemed to
lose interest.
--F train
Wednesday One-liners for the Tots
Little girl: Mommy, how old will I be when I have sex?
--18th & Broadway
Overheard by: Mayde and Daniel
Chuck Woolery's Wednesday One-liners
Chick: Every time Todd talks to a girl he thinks he's on a date.
--9th Street between 1st & 2nd
Color Me Wednesday One-liners
Queer: Hey, the red is looking really good on you. That's gonna be the next color of my living room walls, like God had a nosebleed!
--Tekserve, West 23rd Street
Wednesday Ob/gyn-liners
Girl: I feel like if your vagina is wet enough, you won't get AIDS.
--Kitchenette Uptown, Amsterdam Avenue
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
Wednesday One-liners Face It
Dude: Well, the other day she said, "I want you to fuck me in the park." So we went to the park, went behind some bushes where there was a clearing and bam, bam, bam. Then I came on her face.
--116th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: fannybaum
Getting Booked
Little boy: What's the "n word," Dad?
Dad: I'm not gonna tell you.
Little boy: Why?
Mom: It's worse than all the other words because it makes specific people feel bad.
Dad: You don't need to know it. It's one of those things you'll learn when you get older. You'll learn a lot of bad things when you get older.
--Barnes and Noble, Astor Place
Overheard by: Ben
You'll learn all this and more, at 7PM on Wednesday night at the store above. Please come join us as we discuss and sign our new book.
I Thought It's a Giant Champagne Glass
Teen boy: You know where I wanna go? The Marriott. Have you heard of it? It's in New Jersey.
Teen girl: Oh yeah, you know where I wanna go? The Poconos.
Teen boy: What's that?
Teen girl: I don't know, a hotel?
--Health Opportunities High School, South Bronx
More Like a Hater
Girl: So was he, like, a player?
Guy: Who, Charlie?
Girl: No, that Genghis Khan guy.
--114th & Amsterdam
People with Diarrhea, Sure
Girl #1: It's weird you're never horny.
Girl #2: I just feel like sex is like bowling. I mean, I enjoy bowling but I'm never like, "God, I haven't bowled in so long" or "It's Friday night. I have got to go bowling." You know?
Girl #1: Maybe you haven't found the right bowling partner.
Girl #2: Bowling is something that really isn't improved by doing it with someone else. I've enjoyed bowling but I could go the rest of my life without doing it again. I mean, I know I'll have sex again, but I could give a rat's ass. Have you ever heard anyone say "I need to bowl real bad"?
--L train
Overheard by: Ray
He Got Her in the End
Chick: ...And she just lets him in!
Guy: And you're asleep?
Chick: I'm asleep, and he comes over, and she opens the door for him.
Guy: And she leaves?
Chick: Yeah! So we're alone, right, and he comes and, like, crawls into bed with me!
Guy: Whoa.
Chick: And I sleep naked, right?
Guy: Right.
Chick: So I'm like, what the fuck?
Guy: You should fire her as a roommate.
Chick: Naw, it sort of turned out all right.
--Brittany Hall Residence elevator, East 10th Street
Boxes and Boxes of Cocoa Puffs
Old woman: Have you seen Charlie?
Guy: No..he said he was gonna check himself into the hospital, and probably stay for a long time.
Old woman: Because I have some food for him...Now Patrick, have you seen Charlie? I have some food for him.
Old man: Charlie done checked hisself into the psycho ward for two months.
Old woman: I guess I gotta throw the food out then.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Heiny Kleist
Salesman II: No Refunds, No Exchanges
Girl #1: I think they should make a sequel to Death of a Salesman.
Girl #2: Are you retarded?
--21st & 3rd
Overheard by: Caitlyn Howell
"Tell" is Okay; "Show" is the Problem
Woman #1: So you never finished telling me that story about whatshisname...Come over here and tell me while I dookie.
Woman #2: Uh...
Woman #1: What? Don't act like I don't tell you shit while you're on the toilet!
--Port Authority ladies' room
Overheard by: elizabeth kim
They've Also Banned Subliminal Messages
Man: It's Al Hirschfeld, a famous artist.
Woman: Oh yeah. You don't see a lot of his work anymore.
Man: Yeah, 'cause he's dead.
--63rd & Madison
Overheard by: Christy Ann Coppola
I'm Guessing It's the Egotism
Hipster guy: Last night my girlfriend called me Caligula.
Chick: That's really scary, 'cause he was crazy and evil. Why did she call you Caligula?
Hipster guy: I don't know. I mean, I guess I could understand if she was talking about his big cock.
--Office, 84th & 3rd
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
That's Social Darwinism
Guy #1: Communism is like anarchism. Everyone owns everything.
Guy #2: You dumbass, no one owns anything in anarchism.
Guy #1: So everyone's poor?
Guy #2: How are you not dead already?
--Gay Street
Its Existence Preceded Its Essence
Woman #1: So she told me, "I think Simon de Beauvoir was so brave for a man, to write like that." Can you believe it?
Woman #2: Oh my god.
Woman #1: How can she get a PhD without knowing who Simone de Beauvoir was?
--NYSC, Madison & 36th
Overheard by: J-Ho
Afghanistan is an Early Olympic Favorite
Guy: So then why are guys from the Eastern Europe and black guys so good at basketball?
Dad: Natural selection.
Guy: What?
Dad: They've had to fight to survive. It weeds out the physically inadequate.
Guy: Give me a break. It's the ghetto, not some Hobbesian state of nature; they're not cavemen living in anarchy up there.
--Madison Square Garden
He Wanted to Buy It Now
Woman #1: I was selling some stuff on eBay, but got scared.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: Because they kept asking too many questions.
Woman #2: Who?
Woman #1: The buyers.
Woman #2: Like what?
Woman #1: They wanted to know if the Louis Vuitton bag and belt I was selling was real. It freaked me out.
Woman #2: So what happened?
Woman #1: I ended the sale, because I had two people watching me and I got scared.
Woman #2: Watching you?
Woman #1: Yeah, they can watch to see who bids and how much they bid and then they can try to make a last minute bid.
Woman #2: Okay, but why didn't you sell the stuff?
Woman #1: I was scared and this guy kept asking me to send pictures.
--Amy Ruth's, West 116th Street
Overheard by: Ann-Marie Nicholson
Should Have Gone With "Jewish Rabbi?"
Guy #1: With that hat and beard you look like a Jewish rabbi.
Guy #2: Dude, it's not cool to make fun of people who aren't Jewish.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Justin
Twister is Easier with Corpses
Suit #1: So how many tombstones do we have?
Suit #2: Four.
Suit #1: All right. So we got the client, the CPA and the attorney...We gotta figure out how to get one more person involved.
--22nd & Broadway
Overheard by: E.B. Dresner
Yeah, Plymouth
Guy: What do you like, then? What do you like?
Girl: Progressive rock.
Guy: "Progressive"? Meaning...to change with the times?
Girl: Yes, I guess as opposed to conservative rock.
Guy: There is a conservative rock?
--Barnard College elevator
Overheard by: tiddlypomtiddlypom
The Philosophy of Being...Ignorant
Guy: Do you know what the word "ontological" means?
Chick: Yeah...I have seen it before...
Guy: Yeah. Me too.
Chick: Is it like an orange?
Guy: Yeah...Well, it's something weird like that.
Chick: I know what you mean.
--Hungarian Pastry Shop, Amsterdam Avenue
Overheard by: Marie Favorita
Welcome to George Bush's America
Chick: Hi, how much are these?
Vendor hippie: Ten, or two for 18.
Chick: Oh.
Vendor hippie: Yea, on Macdougal they sell them cheaper, but they're made by Chinese kids who make one-fifty an hour. Capitalist bastards.
Chick: Oh. Are you going to be here tomorrow?
Vendor hippie: Well, tomorrow it's going to rain, and then for the next fifteen days the government is paying me to take ecstasy and play on the computer while they observe me.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Emily Leonard
The Guys Who Sent It Can Sure Use One
Southern man: Well hon, maybe you should buy both; keep the large one and find someone to give the small one to.
Southern woman: Hmm, who do I know that needs a Statue of Liberty?
--Broadway & Canal
"Poitier doesn't like me, but he came."
Mom: So why didn't you come to dinner?
Dad: I don't like you.
--44th & 9th
Overheard by: puppy
That Sounds Like It's About Wong
Woman #1: So I decided to celebrate turning 50 by traveling to Tibet.
Woman #2: Tibet? Where's that? London?
Woman #1: ...No, it's near China and Russia.
Woman #2: Oh. It's not like I don't like to travel but I went to Mexico once and it was stupid.
--4 train
That Sounds Like It's About Wight
Teen guy #1: Well, I'm French.
Teen girl: I'm German.
Teen guy #2: Well, I'm from Spain so I guess we're all from Europe.
Teen guy #1: Spain isn't in Europe.
Teen girl: Dude, yes it is. Europe is like its own continent.
Teen guy #1: I was talking about Europe the country, not that little
island with England on it.
--McDonalds, St. Marks & 3rd
Overheard by: Katherine Gnadinger
Where Are They Now?: Mr. Drummond
Hobo: Where the fuck is Park Avenue? What is going on? What the fuck? Where the fuck is Park Avenue?
Girl: If you just take a right at the next street and keep going, you'll hit it.
Hobo: I don't fucking care! If I had a gun I'd fucking shoot you! Pow!
--87th & 2nd
Don't Worry, the Internet Caught It for You
Girl: Forget it, I'm taking these off.
Guy: Why, baby? Let me see 'em.
Girl: No, they make my butt look like a white person's ass.
Guy: What's that?
Girl: They make my ass look flat like a white person's!
Guy: Baby, I can't hear you.
--Wet Seal, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: E-Bar
More Like Shylock
Hobo: Can you spare some change?
Girl: No sir, sorry.
Hobo: "Sir"? "Sir"? Where you going? Fucking Buckingham Palace, Sherlock?
--15th & 8th
I Hope Lois Had a Cesarean
Tourist teen girl: I hope we see one of the Olsen twins.
Tourist mom: Oh, they were so cute on that show.
Man: Those kids were disgusting. They weren't cute. They were hideous. They should have put bags over their heads. You know who is a cute baby? Stewie Griffin. You know, from The Family Guy? He wants to kill his mother and take over the world.
Tourist mom: Okay, thanks!
--W Train
Overheard by: Ubiquitous Attorney
The Woes of a Marcy Playground Groupie
Girl #1: I just don't think I'm his type. He's very intellectual.
Girl #2: What do you mean?
Girl #1: He's all "yada yada yada" and I'm very "What's your favorite Starburst?"
--Cosi, 31st & Park
Overheard by: Clara
Girl #1: Ha, ha, you said first was the worst.
Girl #2: No, I said, "first was the burst."
Girl #1: What the heck does that mean?
Girl #2: It means...Starburst.
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
Eddie Murphy is a Liar
Drunk girl: I've never been above ground before.
Dude: Where are you going?
Drunk girl: 96th and Park.
Dude: We're in Queens right now. Queens is not where you want to be.
--N train
Overheard by: Brandi Brown
Someone Get This Woman a Drink
Woman: Hi, do you have any meatloaf?...Um, that's not meatloaf.
Store lady: It's almost the same.
Woman: Not really...Do you have any meatloaf?
Server lady: It's the same thing. It's beef. It all tastes the same.
Woman: Yeah, okay. I'll take three.
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Grace Aldridge
That's Not What the Bird Said
Guy: Motherfucker of God!
Chick: That would be Joseph.
--60th & Broadway
Overheard by: James Wolf
It Told Her to Go See a Psychic
Woman: I see you will be engaged by the end of the year!
Businessman lady: Great!
Woman: So can I give you a full reading?
Businessman lady: No thanks, I got a fortune cookie in my lunch.
--28th & Park
Overheard id New York
Woman: Oh god, I hope nobody takes that out of context.
Man: Takes what out of context?
Woman: A thing I just thought.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Mike N
You've Seen One Imperialist You've Seen 'Em All
Chick: I was in the Peace Corps down there.
Woman: Oh, I didn't know that.
Chick: Oh, sorry, not the Peace Corps; Club Med.
--Le Monde, 112th & Broadway
That's a 2000 Year Old Jewish Trick
Black guy: Hey, man, can you tell me how to get to all those buildings over there?
Hipster guy: You mean Manhattan?
Black guy: Yeah.
Hipster guy: Um, you can't walk there from here...unless you can walk on water!
--Williamsburg
"Guilty as charged!"
Guy: That the fucking bitch that called the cops on me! That fucking bitch called the cops! You! White trash! White trash! White trash!
Chick: I always knew you were a bigot.
--St. George, SI
Can Someone Translate Into Brooklyn?
Teen girl: I would like to. Notwithstanding, I--
Old lady: Never say "notwithstanding" in New York. Too long a word for here.
Teen girl: Why the heck...?
Old lady: Notwithstanding and two financial empires have already
collapsed! Where are you from, by the way?
Teen girl: Missoula, Montana.
Old lady: You're making my point, darling!...So, Redford says "notwithstanding"? No kidding?
Teen girl: Robert lives in Utah.
--Trump Tower elevator, 56th & 5th
Overheard by: Bertrand Latour
Don't Look at Those Socks
Tween girl #1: Aren't you gonna wash your hands?
Tween girl #2: I don't need to. I flush with my foot
Tween girl #1: Do you also wipe with your foot?
--Union Square Regal Cinemas ladies' room
His Mom Says It's to Die For
Girl: I've never had venison before.
Guy: Order it. You can taste Bambi. You can taste the innocence. And the fear.
--"A" Restaurant, Columbus Avenue
Step Away from the Phantom Tollbooth
Chick: Wait, people are still inside.
Professor lady: I should do a head count. 2, 4, 6...Wait, I don't know how many people we started with.
--22nd & 11th
Unlike His Refrigerator...Box
Hobo: Yo, can I get some money?
Guy: Sorry man, can't help you out.
Hobo: That's aight. Things are tough for everyone. Can you at least get me some water from your sink?
Guy: Uh, okay.
Hobo: Wait, let me find a bottle.
Guy: That's okay, I have a bottle I can give you.
He goes inside and comes back out with a bottle of water.
Hobo: Oh, thanks! Hey, wait. What, was this just sittin' around?
Guy: No, I just filled it up from my sink.
Hobo: Oh, well, I don't mean no disrespect. But you mind dumping this out and letting it run for a while? Shit just ain't cold enough.
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: bklyn awesome, waiting outside
He Thinks Those Doggs All Look Alike
White man: Excuse me, has anyone ever told you you look just like that rap guy?
Black guy: You mean Snoop Dogg?
White man: Yeah, him.
Black guy: Yeah, all the time.
White man: Are you related to him?
Black guy: Yeah, he's a distant cousin.
White man: Really? Wow! You must get this all the time.
Black guy: Yeah, even my girlfriend says it.
White man: Well, that must be the reason she dates you. She probably wouldn't date you if you weren't related to him.
--1 train
His Dentist Was a Garbage Pail Kid
Dude #1: I didn't brush my tongue this morning.
Dude #2: Yeah, I didn't have a cigarette.
Dude #1: No, I saw a sign that said, "Have you brushed your tongue today?"
Dude #3: No, you just have to go to the bathroom and throw up a little and then you'll be all set.
--Union Square
Overheard by: tanechka
You Can See Cancer Wincing From Here
Chick #1: I took this class called History of the Universe. It sucks.
Chick #2: Sounds like, I mean, that's so intimidating...the whole
history of the universe!
Chick #3: Plus it's all about physics and astrology and stuff.
--NYU A bus
The TWU Strikes Again
Man #1: Open the door!
Bus driver: Go to the back door!
Man #1: ...Open up!
Man #2: Let this guy on!
Man #3: Open the door!
Bus driver: Back door's broken! Ha, ha, ha!
She hits the gas pedal.
--Q train shuttle bus
Overheard in the Headlines: The Blizzard of '06
Guy: Here's to 5 inches or less!
Girl: ...I really could take that the wrong way.
Guy: I'm talking about the storm!
--Whiskey River, 2nd Avenue
TGIF
Guy #1: What do you think of when you hear the word "bathhouse"?
Guy #2: "Happy ending".
Guy #1: I think "Thursdays".
--45th & 5th
Where Are They Now?: Susanna Hoffs
Chick: Do you know why I can't walk on this side of you on the sidewalk?
Guy: Why?
Chick: You're gonna laugh...
Guy: I'll laugh no matter what.
Chick: 'Cause this is not my side of the bed.
Guy: What?
Chick: If we were laying on my bed I wouldn't be on my side.
Guy: What? Yes you would. If we're laying on our backs this would be your side of the bed.
Chick: But I sleep on my stomach...
Guy: We're walking in the street, there is no bed!
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: King Porky21
On the Plus Side, His Mom is Cher
Drunk girl #1: I met a guy last night!
Drunk girl #2: Oh yeah? Do tell.
Drunk girl #1: Well, um, it's not exactly accurate to say that he had a Jay Leno caricature face.
--18th & 8th
Overheard by: Jas
That's the Way for the Men
Chick #1: I really think this is the way to go.
Chick #2: I told you, I'm not ready. They don't even know me. I don't want them to always think of me as "that lesbian girl." I said no.
Chick #1: I meant Eighth Avenue.
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Mchelly
The Crying Game, Now for Kids!
Hair lady: So how do you want it done?
Grandma: I want to have the same lining and density as that cute, little Chinese girl had.
Hair lady: It was a boy.
--Encore Beauty Salon, Claremont Drive
Overheard by: Maxym B
That's Only for Middle Age
Guy #1: Nigga, where you goin'?
Guy #2: To the middle of the train. I wanna be in the middle.
Guy #1: But we're standing in the middle motherfucka.
Guy #2: No, the middle is at the end.
--23rd Street F/V station
Overheard by: Halli Civelek
Three Words: Hobo Bomb Squad
Conductor #1: What's going on?
Conductor #2: Some passengers found a suspicious bag.
Conductor #1: What did you do?
Conductor #2: I threw it in the garbage.
--1 train
The Vegetable Takes the Order
Suit: Hi, what's your vegetable special today?
Waitress: Ehm, let me check...Macaroni and cheese.
Suit: No, your vegetable.
Waitress: ...Macaroni and cheese.
--Applebees, West 42nd Street
Overheard by: Hot Child in the City
What Do You Want on Your Tombstone?
Girl: You know, sometimes I just feel like breaking down and crying.
Guy: Wanna get some pizza?
Girl: Seriously, life can be so hard sometimes, I really can't take it anymore.
Guy: Have you considered suicide?
Girl: Fuck you!
Guy: Well seriously, you need to stop complaining about life or just kill yourself and get it over with.
Girl: Fuck you. I'm getting off at the next stop and going back home.
Guy: Wanna get some pizza?
--Q train
Overheard by: Jimmy Crehan
We've Found Osama
Woman: Did you call Giuliani? Call in a favor?
Man: I tried, but....
Woman: After all you did for him after 9/11. What a slap in the face.
--Parking garage, 53rd & 5th
Because Voodoo Works
Guy: Hey, is this the train that stops at that museum?
Girl: Which museum? The art museum?
Guy: No, the other one with all the bones and dead animals.
Girl: Ew. Why would you wanna go someplace like that?
--C train
"What is this, a spelling test?"
Girl: Wait, what are you doing?
Guy: Huh? What do you think?
Girl: I mean, why are you putting your credit card into this box-thing?
Guy: To...um, get money?
Girl: Money? This machine gives you money if you have a card?
Guy: Um...this is, like, an ATM.
--Deli, 13th & 5th
Overheard by: Halli Civelek
Mark Felt Hands Over His Title
Teen girl #1: So I was like, "Ew dude, stop, you're too small. I don't even feel nuttin'!"
Teen girl #2: Yo, he gotta be at least 10 inches for me to even consider it.
--68th & 2nd
Overheard by: Monique
Hair, Cut; Otherwise, Not
Guy #1: Did you give anything to your boyfriend for Valentine's Day?
Guy #2: No...I didn't. I date girls.
Guy #1: Oh. Really?
Guy #2: Yeah. Why would you think that I go for guys?
Guy #1: I just always thought...
Guy #2: Really? Why?
Guy #1: Well you're bald.
Guy #2: But you're bald too.
Guy #1: Yeah. Exactly.
--Elevator, Rockefeller Plaza
Overheard by: Shacks
The Beauty That is Wednesday One-liners
Queer: You know who I feel really bad for? Really ugly people.
--Mug'z Sports Bar, Belmont
Wednesday One-liners Give Bad Gifts
Teen girl: Now what she needs is a razor dildo.
--93rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Alissa R.
Wednesday One-liners Belt It Out
Guy: It's good to like music. Wait, that came out really bad,
--35th & Lexington
Overheard by: Spooner
Wednesday One-liners See NYC
Hipster guy: Well, Hitler was right, there is a lot of parking in New York.
--54th & 10th
Wednesday One-liners Distrust the Monotremes
Lady: I was fighting with this guy and his dog was in the room; that dog bit me.
--Cobble Hill
Overheard by: d.luxxe
Wednesday One-liner Cotton to Book Learnin'
Professor guy: I was going to give you all a quiz today. But then I realized that it was Valentine's Day. You're supposed to do something for the people you love on Valentine's Day. And of course, I love all of you very much. So...I decided to give you the quiz on pink paper instead!
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-liners & the Sin of Sloth
Dude on cell: I was up until 5AM having a really pointless discussion about apathy.
--21st & 2nd
The Wednesday One-liners Class Struggle
Hipster girl: She was all, "Yeah, Betsy is my best friend," and I was like, "Best friend? That is so fucking bourgeois."
--L train
Girl: I know you made it. Look at you. You got a BlackBerry. Yeah, you made it. You got that good-smelling leather.
--Elevator, 12th & 5th
Overheard by: Thirsty Violet
Professor lady: Yes, we'll be going into debt a lot as the semester goes on.
--Parsons School of Design
Overheard by: Ray
Teen boy: Anyone on this train wanna buy some candy? It's not for a basketball team or something, it's for me so I can buy more candy.
--2 train
Overheard by: Sarah
Intercom: Please take a headset before you get on the plane, because they're free now. They're actually free once you get on the plane, but I charge $50 labor for bringing them to you once you're on. So it's in your best interests to take one now. Can you tell I'm a happy person?
--LaGuardia
Chick: I'm not even gonna try applying for a Gap card; they'll never give it to me. I don't know what it is about Gap; they always know if you have bad credit.
--The Gap, 34th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dianora
Tween boy: What do you mean, I can't get anything? I'm the one with a job.
--Key Food, Park Slope
Overheard by: Shack
Wuxtry! Wednesday One-liners
Daily News guy: Osama Bin Laden in New York! Let's get him! Saddam Hussein has escaped!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Marlon Disla
Wednesday One-liners Tip the Scales
Chick: So then this huge fat lady with really bad teeth said, "This is the most fabulous party I've ever been to," so I left.
--1st Avenue & 9th Street
Overheard by: Rex Danger
Wednesday One-leyeners
Teen girl: I asked George what his cousin looked like. He said, "He looks like me but with hazel eyes." How the hell am I supposed to know what he looks like? I don't know no one with hazel eyes.
--Lincoln Center
Wednesday One-liners Don't Get None
Girl: I think my mom's a virgin.
--4 train
Overheard by: DRock
That's Only if the BF is in Town
Guy #1: I wake up at a quarter to 5 every day.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: I get up to pee.
Guy #2: Every day?
Guy #1: It's that, or I go in bed.
--Liberty & Broadway
This Price Ain't Right
Woman: I'll give you one up the butt if you let me be a stay at home mom.
Man: Once for every year you stay home.
Woman: Once per child.
Man: Once for every two years, or I'll be the stay at home.
Woman: Fine.
--Astor Place
She Stole That Fox
Girl #1: Is that a real fur coat?
Girl #2: Yes, oh my god and this woman started yelling at me this morning. I was like, "Please don't throw blood on me or something. I don't hate animals; I have a dog!"
Man: Not around your neck.
--Elevator, Broadway & Dey
Overheard Signs
Chick #1: Do you have a book called White Supremacy by Fredrickson?
Store guy: No.
Chick #1: Can you see if any other Barnes & Noble has it?
Store guy: No, none in Manhattan. I take it it's for a class or something?
Chick #1: No, it's for my own, uh, personal knowledge. Thanks anyway.
Store guy: Sure.
Chick #2: I need a book of art or photographs by crazy people.
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
Next Wednesday, 2/22, the Overheard staff--both of us--will be reading and signing the new Overheard in New York book at the above location. It starts at 7.
They Wore White to the Funeral
Girl #1: Guess who my dad saw in an elevator yesterday? Johnny Carson.
Girl #2: I'm pretty sure he's dead. Don't you mean Johnny Cash?
--55th & 3rd
At Zen Bagels, the Holes Come Filled
Guy: Yeah, can I get a poppy seed bagel to go?
Counter guy: You want anything on that?
Guy: Uh...poppy seeds.
--Deli, 22nd & 6th
Overheard by: Kristen
America's Next Top Cripple
Man: Miss! You are so beautiful! Your eyes! Your hair! Are you interested in modeling?
Chick: Uh--
Man: I love the way you walk. Imagine! Down a runway!
Chick: It's because my heel is broken, you fuckhead.
--59th & Lexington
Overheard by: Passerby
What He Wants is to Stop Thinking About It
Guy #1: I can't believe I kissed both of them.
Guy #2: I kissed both of them too.
Guy #1: ...That means I, like, kissed you...
Guy #2: ...I don't even want to talk about this.
--L train
Overheard by: Stephanie A.
She Puked Chalk Hearts for Hours
Girl #1: So then he kissed me, and it was really awkward, because I don't want to get involved with that train wreck.
Girl #2: So what did you do?
Girl #1: Told him that I really liked him, but I was seeing someone else exclusively.
Girl #2: You are? And you do?
Girl #1: No, but being in awkward social situations makes me a compulsive liar.
Girl #2: Isn't that also your excuse for drinking too much?
Girl #1: That's really not fair to say.
Girl #2: So what did you do after that?
Girl #1: We did some vodka shots, and then I passed out on the subway and ended up in Brooklyn.
Girl #2: Good job.
--1 train
Overheard by: Ammie Rabelais
Because Nothing is Scarier Than Love
Old woman: You still don't have any Halloween candy, huh?
Old man: Valentine's Day. It's Valentine's Day candy! Why do you keep calling it Halloween?
--Duane Reade, 62nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Charlie Davidson
"It's a date!"
Chick: You have no idea how much less anxiety I have now that I know I don't have to worry about leaving the country...not that they are kicking me out, but you know that I can leave and come back and it's not an issue...This just makes me so excited! When I get excited I start to twitch, I apologize, but it's a good thing! You get me excited! Not in that way, I mean, you're my professor, and female, but not to say you aren't good looking...
Professor: Um, okay, so let's pretend I was deaf for that last 30 seconds and I'll see you on Friday.
--Hunter North Building, East 69th Street
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Girl: I guess I'll be taking my vibrator out for Valentine's.
--Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: Toby Boudreaux
Something's in the Air (Happy VD!)
Woman: Last month I thought I was in love with you. Now I realize I'm stupid.
Man: Stupid in love?
Woman: No. Just stupid.
--Union Square
"Yeah, and my mom married an alcoholic."
Guy: Dad, you had to see this broad; she must have been 200 to 250.
Dad: Like you're some prize. You are 40, divorced, have 3 kids and live at home with your parents.
--68th & York
Overheard by: Anthony DiGangi
If You Remember, It Wasn't Crack
Yuppie chick #1: Sarah D. Roosevelt Park! Remember when we bought crack there?
Yuppie chick #2: We didn't even buy crack. We just smoked it.
--Houston & Chrystie
This Turducken is Awful Gamey
Hobo: Can you help me get something to eat?
Guy: Yeah, I got a slingshot in my bag. You prefer pigeon, rat, or squirrel?
--Christopher & 7th
Overheard by: Colin
Stupid Tourists: Epidemic or Illusion?
Girl: Excuse me, which of these trains goes to Manhattan?
Suit: Shut up.
--34th Street N/Q/R/W station
Southern woman: Oh! Are you a performer?
Chick: Yes, I'm studying acting and musical theater.
Southern woman: Wow! That's so amazing! Maybe we'll see you on Broadway one of these days! Good luck!
Chick: Thanks!
She leaves the train.
Southern woman: Yeah, right. Ha, ha, ha!
--1 train
Old man: Is that a theater?
Old woman: No, it's a McDonalds.
--42nd between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Adam Grosswirth
Then Came 40 Punches, Plus One for Luck
Hobo: Hey, man. I got your back.
Guy: Got my back on what?
Hobo: I saw you park your car.
Guy: What are you, a fucking valet?
Hobo: Listen, man. You got some change? I just wanna buy me a beer. I ain't gonna lie to you...Today's my birfday!
--96th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dirty Mike
The Chunky Soup was Confusing Enough
Dude: Does that come with a meal?
Pasta guy: It is a meal.
--Bravo Pizza, 5th between 19th & 20th
Overheard by: Animal
Rush Forgot His Pills
Old man: You think Hillary Clinton could be president? You're out
of your mind. Hillary Clinton couldn't get arrested in a whorehouse with a fist full of fifties. She's ugly, she's stupid and she has a big fat ass. She's like a Hitler in female. All right, I'll stop now and be a gentleman.
Guy: Okay.
Old man: Any Democrat on this train who thinks Hillary Clinton could be president is masturbating in their mind. All one hundred of them.
Guy: You have a nice night.
--R train
Overheard by: Dave and Lauren
That's Including the Rocks in Her Head
Woman #1: This train goes really fast!
Woman #2: They don't run it as often, I think because they're afraid people might jump in front of it.
Woman #1: Oh my god! Who could be that depressed? Take some pills, for Christ's sake.
Woman #2: I'm surprised it's such a problem here, I mean, duh, you got all these tall buildings.
Woman #1: Well, any building--
Woman #2: No, you gotta go up at least 17 stories to be sure, otherwise you just end up in a wheelchair which is, duh, super-depressing.
Woman #1: 17 stories!
Woman #2: Maybe 15 for you, you weigh more than me.
--4 train
"...'Cause I've got your 7" right here!"
Guy: Here you go, brother.
Hobo: Thanks. Hey, are you the guy who asked me for a remix?
--A train
Overheard by: quiubomona
It Doesn't Listen to Him Anymore
Guy: Haven't seen you in a while.
Barber: Yeah, I was having a problem with my tonsils. I was sick
for about 3 weeks.
Guy: You gonna have them out?
Barber: Probably. I should, but I'm chicken. But I probably gotta.
Guy: I got this friend who went to the doctor, right? And the doctor said he hadda go get a colonoscopy. You shoulda seen his face! He didn't go.
Barber: You gotta do it, though, before things get worse.
Guy: Yeah, I think his colon did get worse.
--Manhattan Unisex, Allen Street
Sara Lee Joins the War on Terror
Girl: Hey, where's my bag? Why hasn't my bag come through the machine? My other one did; did you have to rescan it or something?
TSA guy: Oh, don't worry. that's because we're keeping it in a 350 degree oven to get it warm and fluffy and then we're going to toast it to a nice golden brown.
Girl: What?
--JFK
Overheard by: bre
Show, Don't Tell
Girl #1: I mean, she wears an external catheter at her desk!
Girl #2: We should start wearing external catheters, too, since she doesn't give us bathroom breaks.
Girl #1: And tell her when we're going to the bathroom.
--L train
Overheard by: Stephanie
That Reminds Me; Flavor of Love is On
Teen girl #1: I like him cause he's tough, but he ain't thug.
Teen girl #2: Oh, he's thug. He got that tattoo, he wears his pants all baggy and he got that great big coat.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, he got that tattoo, but them other things...he just short.
--A train
Overheard by: iiams
Once You Go Blue, You Dunno What to Do
Ghetto chick: What the fuck is with all the cops at this station?
Punk chick: I don't know.
Ghetto chick: I mean I'm fuckin' one and all but damn, I still don't like them.
--6 train
Overheard by: tasha
Zero Christians Set to March in Union Square
Guy #1: What, you got a problem with me cursing?
Guy #2: Nah, nah, it's just that, you know, sayin' "holy fuck" is like talkin 'bout Jesus's mom fuckin' his dad and it's not cool to talk about Jesus's mom fuckin' people.
Guy #1: Dumbass, Jesus's mom didn't fuck anyone. She was a fuckin' virgin. How do I know this and you don't? You're the Christian.
Guy #2: What are you talkin' 'bout? How could Jesus have been born if his mom hadn't screwed his dad? Wait, who was Jesus's dad again?
Guy #1: Dude, are you serious?
--F train
Too Good to Be True, Too Dumb to Be False
Chick #1: NYU is taking over the city. Soon they're gonna have to
start calling it "New York" City.
Chick #2: It's already called New York City!
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelly Raz
The Mark of the Beast Shall Not Be Torn
Teen boy #1: I want to get a soda but my dollar bill is ripped.
Teen boy #2: Nah chief, it's okay; you didn't rip the bar code.
--New Balance Track & Field Center, Washington Heights
Overheard by: bill kearns
Oh, So Now It's Our Fault?
The train has been sitting with its doors open.
Conductor: PA system test.
A dude leans out the door and yells to the conductor.
Dude: It's working, now can we get a fucking move on?
Conductor: Everyone, it's going to be a few more minutes while that guy thinks about what he's said.
--Q train
"Or Daddy's hentai?"
Little girl: Mommy, what's this?
Mom: Japanese art. You know, like in Mulan.
--The Met