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March 2006 Archives
She's Blinded by That Bright Light
Old lady: Excuse me, where is the exit?
Cop: Just follow the signs.
Old lady: I'm following the signs and I don't know where I'm going.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: So K
Giving Racism the Boot?
Italian woman #1: He looks like a sand digger!
Italian woman #2: What's that, like a bug?
Italian woman #1: No, you know, a sand digger.
Italian woman #2: What's that?
Italian woman #1: A camel jockey! That's what people in Bay Ridge call them, sand diggers, because they are always shoveling sand in the desert.
--John & Pearl
Because That's Not Paying Enough to Live There
Guy: I'm going to Chicago this weekend.
Girl: Jealous.
Guy: Want me to bring you back a hot dog?
Girl: Minus the dog.
Guy: Polish sausage?
Girl: Vegetarian.
Guy: Sausage pizza? Italian sausage? Sausage smoothie?
Girl: Totally.
Guy: Why doesn't someone open a sausage smoothie store in Chicago? They'd be a millionaire.
--F train
Howie Mandel in 5 Years
Girl #1: I don't understand why he's so popular.
Girl #2: It's obviously because he's a drug dealer.
--Broadway between Grand & Howard
Dealer guy: Hey man, buy some weed?
Yuppie guy: Sure. And while I'm at it, why don't I just not send my
kids to school, get them addicted to heroin, and leave them on the
street to die?
Dealer guy: You sure you don't want some weed?
--Washington Square Park
He Scribbles Notes in the Margarines
Girl #1: I thought it was gross that he butters his bread on both sides.
Girl #2: Ew! He butters his bread on both sides?
Old woman: Is he married or something? I mean to be that particular...
Girl #3: No, he just wants to be published.
--Shun Lee Palace, East 55th Street
Overheard by: Andrew Saint-John Goodwin
She's Getting Surgery Slash Amputation
Drunk chick #1: Dude julia, I just totally stuck my face slash mouth on this pole.
Drunk chick #2: Ew.
Drunk chick #1: Oh, by the way, how are your antibiotics going?
Drunk chick #2: Uh, not so good.
--1 train
He Read That Time Machine Book
Chick: Did you ever watch wrestling?
Guy: I used to watch it back when it was real.
--2nd & 2nd
It's Going to Be Published Last Year
Dude: I'm looking for this non-fiction book.
Store guy: What is it?
Dude: How to Build a Time Machine.
--Barnes and Noble, 6th Avenue & 8th Street
No Relation
Conductor: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Would Isaiah Santiago please step off the train? The police are waiting for you.
--1 train
Overheard by: gordon gartrell
Let Them Bake Cake
Girl: I guess I know a couple people up at Sarah Lawrence who work, but I don't know why anyone would want a job in college.
Guy: Yeah, working's for public college kids anyway.
--C train
She Doesn't Require Bibs Anymore
Chick #1: It's wearing off.
Chick #2: Oh my god, it looks so good though.
Chick #1: Yeah. Botox really works.
Chick #2: My mom doesn't need that but she really needs a neck lift.
--Sarabeth's (East), Madison Avenue
"...Just like I tell my dad."
Mom: Hold my hand! It's too crowded for you to let go of my hand!
Dad: He think he grown, but he ain't grown yet.
Mom: I know, waking up all early in the morning.
Dad: Next time he does that, thinkin' he's all grown, tell him to change his own shitty Pamper.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: J. Noelle
No Shit?
Teen boy #1: Yo son, butt sex mad disgusting.
Teen boy #2: No, it ain't. If she shit before you do it you won't get no poop on yo dick.
Teen boy #1: Pfft. They always be shit in her ass even if she shits.
Teen boy #2: Nah, son.
Teen boy #1: When you pull the mushroom out there gonna be shit under it.
Teen boy #2: Ha, ha, ha! No, it ain't...Ask her about it.
--R train
Overheard by: Evan Walsh
Worst Bat Mitzvah Ever
Girl #1: Stuart kissed me full on the mouth.
Girl #2: Did he mean it?
Girl #1: He said it was an accident; he was going for my cheek.
Girl #2: That happened to me once when I was kissing my father.
--St. Marks Place
It Can Only Hold One 7"
Guy: Is that an iPod?
Girl: No, it's a gaydar.
--D train
Never Forget
Woman #1: God, that was so funny when all of those Nazis walked into the courtroom and their hairstyles were like Hitler's!
Man: Well, I mean, it makes sense, I guess. You know, people always copy famous people when it comes to stuff like that.
Woman #2: Yeah, like remember when I had that terrible Dorothy Hamill haircut?
--Houston Street station
Yes, It Would Be
Girl #1: That's so funny. I've always said, "That would be two of us." So how do you use it?
Girl #2: "That would behoove us."...Well, you don't use it that way. You say "of". "That would be hoove of us." As in, that would be smart of us.
--Q train
Overheard by: Morgan
Three Months There is Pretty Dumb
Polish man: Her 3 bedroom apartment in Williamsburg is empty for 9 months every year!
American man: What am I missing here?
Polish man: She's an idiot!
--Union Square
Where Are They Now?: Evan Dando
Man #1: This subway smells like citrus fruit.
Man #2: Yeah, Mr. Lemonhead got killed here.
Woman: I peed on his face once.
--2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Tourist in Town
He Got the New Popeil
Girl: Babe, I'm gonna get my tits pierced.
Guy: And then I'll chop them off for you.
--Loews 84th Street Theatre 6
As Well As an Eagle
Girl #1: So I had this dream where I had this little baby, and it was bald.
Girl #2: Oh yeah?
Girl #1: So I mean, it was a boy.
--6 train
Overheard by: marla rosenthal
That Stone was Pure Gall
Guido #1: She was givin' me lip, so I returned the favor by pissing on her face.
Guido #2: For real dog, that's what you gotta do.
Guido #1: I had to go anyways, so it was really two birds and a stone.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Scotty H
Only if the Conductor Were a Saudi
Chick #1: Damn yo, why aren't there aboveground trains in the city?
Chick #2: They'd crash into the buildings. Duh! Pfft.
--J train
Overheard by: maggie
Atlas' Slutty Little Sister
Chick #1: Oh my god, that girl just opened her mouth so wide she could swallow the world.
Chick #2: Seriously, I think she just swallowed me. And while I was in there, there were three children with me...and a lhasa apso.
--44th & 2nd
Wednesday One-liners Got Lucky
Teen boy: Somewhere out there...someone is getting laid.
--Empire State Building
The Wednesday One-liners K-Hole
Woman: Hey, so have you ever tried crack?
--78th & Madison
Overheard by: Andrew C
The NYC Sights of Wednesday One-liners
Suit on cell: Why would I lie to you? When have I ever lied to you? Listen, you and I both know there are "no nice little neighborhoods" in Queens!
--11th Street & 4th Avenue
Overheard by: jayKayEss
Wednesday One-liners Count Calories
Woman on cell: Caviar? Nigga, ain't no caviar in Harlem.
--57th & 8th
Wednesday One-liners Read Vogue
Girl: Did you see those capris? They looked like the girl had her vagina on sideways!
--Windsor Terrace
Good Conduct for Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: ...Transfer available here to the F, V, N, Q, R and W. Next stop: New Jersey. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--B train
Overheard by: comicgirl
Wednesday One-liners Love Their Mommy
Woman: Well, he should just get over it. Who doesn't have a mother who died?
--MOMA cafeteria
Overheard by: Deborah Freeman
Wednesday One-liners Turn Up the Radio
Tween girl: The thing most people don't get about techno is, it's so emotional.
--76th & 2nd
Overheard by: Rachel
Ego & Hubris & Wednesday One-liners
Drunk girl: Sometimes, when I look at myself through the microscope of cold, hard objectivity, I think to myself, "God, you are awesome!"
--47th & 9th
Overheard by: Nick Salvato
Wednesday One-liners Got It in Pearl
Guy: I mean, eating your own cum is one thing, but eating it on a pizza four hours later? I should probably keep my voice down...
--43rd & 8th
Wednesday One-liners Turn It Up a Notch
Teen girl: God, you are so self-conscious sometimes I want to punch you in the face.
--A train
Overheard by: Niki
Wednesday One-liners Flick the Clicker
Chick: She's like a human Muppet...But not sexually.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: John Auld
Yeah, It's Not Like We Know What We're Doing
Guy #1: Excuse me, sir, but do you know you're white?
Guy #2: Yes, I do know that. Now will you stop following me?
--40th & 8th
Overheard by: Suriya
This Metric Stuff is Complicated
Teen girl #1: What's a "fortnight"?
Teen girl #2: It's British for "ten days"; like, "I'll be gone for a fortnight."
Teen girl #1: Oh yeah, that makes total sense.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: GGary
A Perfect Fit for This Dickhead
Guy #1: So that Egyptian baby girl with two heads died. A brain infection from when they removed the extra head.
Guy #2: Is this real or from the Weekly World News?
Guy #1: No, it's real. The extra head could only smile and blink.
Guy #3: So the extra head could give head...It had a use...Ha, ha, ha!
Guy #1: You are really a sick motherfucker.
--51st & Lexington
Also Thinks Margarine Made Out of Butter
Guy: I don't need a bag, thanks.
Store lady: You're going to carry that in your hand?
Guy: Yeah.
Store lady: That's fine with me. I love customers who don't want bags.
Guy: Why waste them, right?
Store lady: Yeah. People need to recycle. They keep cutting down more and more trees for these bags.
Guy: ...Yeah.
Store lady: Plastic bags are made out of trees, right?
Guy: ...Well, no...
Store lady: Oh, I think it's paper bags that are made out of trees.
--Duane Reade, 22nd & Park
Not Killing; Liberating
Girl: And he's like, "Are you pregnant?"
Guy: Is that how straight people ask if you got laid?
Girl: No, but I'm kinda worried.
Guy: Yeah. My friends from high school got pregnant like one after the other.
Girl: Ew.
Guy: It was like abort over here, abort over there.
Girl: I'm scared.
Guy: We was killing baby fetuses every week.
--Christopher & Gay
NYU, Here She Comes
Teen girl #1: You know what I think the worst smell would be? Dirty diapers with rotting flesh wrapped in rubber; all set on fire.
Teen girl #2: What about sulfur, too?
Teen girl #1: Well, sulfur usually comes along with the burning anyway. And you know, that all might smell so bad that it smells good...
Teen girl #2: Yeah, you should tell Dartmouth that when you interview there.
--81st & CPW
Overheard by: Ariamy
Klingons Are Less Wrinkled
Old man #1: I must have my cloaking device on today! Ha, ha.
Old man #2: Get the fuck out of my way, asshole.
Old man #1: Damn Klingons.
--D'Agostino, Greenwich Street
Overheard by: nick
Talking Crap
Woman: Well, everybody poops.
Man: That's the title of a book.
Woman: I know. I was making a literary reference.
--Bowlmor Lanes, University Place
Overheard by: djlindee
The Ty-D-Bowl Man Already Jumped Ship
Woman #1: It's flushed like 3 times and I haven't even sat down yet!
Woman #2: It can already tell your ass is dirty.
--AMC Empire 25 ladies' room, West 42nd Street
Overheard by: Lalaith
He Means Musketeers (Kit-Kats Are an Orgy)
Tween boy: Would you like to buy some candy?
Woman #1: No.
Woman #2: No thanks.
Tween boy: Okay, how about a threesome?
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: rhett
Seems the Rancor is Alive
Dad: Do you think I want to talk about princesses 24 hours a day?
Little girl: No.
Dad: What do you think I want to talk about?
Little girl: Star Wars.
--Rector & Greenwich
The Dreaded E Cup
Guy #1: Yeah, and she had tits like eggplants.
Guy #2: And they were hairy?
Guy #1: Yeah, the hairs were like this long and black.
Guy #2: That's fucking sick.
--Penn Station
The Pogo Stick Made an Honest Woman Out of Her
Teen girl #1: I got a doctor's appointment after school today. My mom saw this hickey and she's taking me for a pregnancy test.
Teen boy: Yo, Mexican mom's is crazy.
Teen girl #2: That sucks. If my mom ever tries to take me, I'm telling her it's a civil rights violation.
Teen girl #1: I already got my excuse. I'm gonna say it busted when I was riding my bike.
Teen boy: No, that's no good. Say you was jumpin' up and down.
--7 train
Think Chaim Pocket
Tourist dude: What's a...knish?
Tourist chick: I think it's like...a Hot Pocket?
--42nd & Park
Overheard by: JayBee
Popeye's Does the Voodoo Stuff
Teen girl #1: We're not going to KFC! Their food is, like, poison.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, they kill their chickens alive.
--96th & Lexington
Overheard by: AG
Why Shampoo Has Instructions
Old lady: Excuse me, how do I get to the second floor?
Intern chick: You just press "2" and wait for the elevator to go up.
Old lady: They just tell you what floor the exhibit is on, but they don't tell how to get there!
--New-York Historical Society elevator, Central Park West
Overheard by: Ybelka
"Um...yeah."
Little boy: Why do I have to pee in a cup?
Mom: For a test.
Little boy: For a test? Do I have to drink it?
--A train
God: There's a good way?
Teen boy #1: Hey mister, does this train go to Manhattan?
Man: I think it's supposed to, but the N's messed up right now.
Teen boy #2: Yeah, the N train's totally gay.
Man: Yeah, and not in the good way.
--Queensboro Plaza station
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Sentenced to One Hundred Years of Solitude
Girl: Come sign for this. I can't, I'm not 21 yet.
Guy: It's a bookstore, nigga, not the Feds!
--The Strand
Sounds Like a Chiropractor
Man I know what's wrong with your neck.
Woman: Yeah?
Man: You slept on it funny and then you breathed in, you know? You get an air bubble in your neck when you do that.
Woman: Really?
--Food Emporium, Greenwich Street
In a New York State of Mind
Woman #1: Don't you hate taking the train so early in the morning? I take it every day.
Woman #2: Could you not talk to me?
--A train
Overheard by: aida
It Took Him a Whole Year
Guy #1: Man, how you gonna play like a kid came on to you? A four year old can't even get it up.
Guy #2: How do you know? You hit on a four year old?
Guy #1: Nah, man. I was one.
--Elevator, Hudson & Houston
Overheard by: Michele
They Started at the Mystery Section
Girl: Excuse me, do you have any biographies of TuPac?
Library guy: Probably, though they'd be with the other biographies on the second floor.
Dude: But isn't this the fiction section?
Library guy: It is. You might be able to find some books about him in non-fiction.
Girl: "Non-fiction"?
Library guy: Non-fiction means true.
Dude: ...And fiction means false.
Library guy: Sort of.
Girl: So if it's in non-fiction then that means he must still be alive.
Library guy: I don't think you understand.
--Brooklyn Public Library, Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Her Husband is Some Kind of Nut
Guy #1: You know her?
Guy #2: Yeah! The girl with a face like a chipmunk...Poor thing's gonna die a virgin.
Guy #1: She's married.
Guy #2: Married? Married to what?
--F train
They Were Seeing Red
Chick #1: There was too much talking in that movie and not enough action.
Chick #2: Yeah. It was all like too much communism and shit.
--AMC Empire 25, West 42nd Street
Overheard by: Nico Westerdale
He's Channeling the President
Crazy guy: Yeah, I don't have to remember. I know. What are you looking at? I'm gonna kill you, you keep it up, I'm gonna kill you. I don't need to be no CIA, FBI, Special Agent Man, whatever the fuck you got. I battle evil! I'm gonna kill you.
Man from window: Shut up!
Crazy guy: Fuck you. I battle evil! I battle evil every day. You're a coward. I'm gonna blow up that building. I don't like evil. I'm a peaceful man and I battle evil.
Man from window: Go away then.
Crazy guy: I battle evil!
--10th St between 1st & A
Overheard by: A guy trying to be invisible while standing right next to the crazy guy
Must Be Visiting from Bronx Science
Teen girl #1: You shouldn't chew gum; it makes you stupider.
Teen girl #2: Oh yeah?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, I heard that somewhere.
Teen girl #2: Well, I heard somewhere that you're an idiot. No, wait, that was right here.
--Stuyvesant High School, Chambers Street
Not As Bad As These Gay Headlines
Little boy: Hey mister, wanna hear a funny joke?
Old man: No.
Little boy: Okay, here it goes...A man walks into a bar..."Ouch!" Ha, ha, ha! Get it?
Old man: That's the weakest shit I've ever heard.
--A train
There's a Going Down Payment
Queer #1: It's too bad he's not for sale.
Queer #2: I think you can rent him, though.
--BoConcept, West 18th Street
Jon Heder is Such a Princess
Waiter: How would you like your eggs?
Guy: Can I get two eggs scrambled, one sunny side up?
Waiter: Um...I...Um...I don't...
Guy: Whatever. Give me three scrambled eggs. God.
--Ben Ash Delicatessen, 7th Avenue
They Ignored the Constitution on That One
Guy #1: Yo, what's the Louisiana Purchase?
Guy #2: You mad dumb, yo. That's when they illegally sold all that alcohol.
--St. Francis College, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Cypher
This One's for the Birds
Woman: Wait, aren't dinosaurs mammals?
Man: Um. They're reptiles, honey.
Woman: Oh. Right.
Man: You have two master's degrees?
Woman: But not in lizardology!
--Union Square
Overheard by: djlindee
The Internet Didn't Hear Them
Woman #1: I really wish they wouldn't let musicians play here.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: I mean, seriously, it's such an invasion of my privacy.
--42nd Street 1/2/3 station
She Listens to Foreigner Backwards
Old woman: "Free"? Nothing's free around here! That's what's wrong with you immigrants, always looking for something for free!
Businessman lady: I said "sweet", not "free".
Old woman: I know what you meant!
--Zeytuna, William & Maiden Lane
Asian Red Underrepresented in AA
Teen girl #1: Do they card here?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, but they don't card the Asians.
Teen girl #1: Isn't that racist?
Teen girl #2: No, that's like...affirmative action or something like that.
--M2M, East 11th Street
Overheard by: evan t
I'm Assuming This is Somehow Racist
Cop #1: When I'm fucking a cunt, I like to hurt it. You like to hurt a cunt when you're fucking it?
Cop #2: Yeah. What do I give a fuck? It ain't my cunt.
--Police Plaza
Overheard by: Steve Bookocki
Subway Car: the Talk Show
Guy: Hey! Don't touch me! You can't sit here. People don't just sit on the floor on the train.
Drunk woman: I have...a very bad...back...
Guy: Then ask somebody to give you their seat. Then go see a doctor.
She flips him off.
Woman #2: Oh no, she didn't!
--A train
Overheard by: wish I'd been drunk at 9am
The Blind Man Was a Bluff
JAP #1: So then he like...stuck his stick up her hoo-ha!
JAP #2: Like in her area? You mean he went for the cash and prizes?
JAP #1: Yeah! So he like... hit her there with his stick, and she spun around and was like, "What the fuck?", but then was like, "Oh, you're blind." But I don't care. It's fucked up.
--University & Waverly
Overheard by: tj
Your Apartment Called...
Drunk guy on cell: Hello?
Lady on speaker: Larry, where are you? When are you coming home?
Drunk guy on cell: Who's this?
--Russian Vodka Room, West 52nd Street
He's Been Training
Suit #1: I've never had a hooker before.
Suit #2: Neither have I but I feel ready now.
--Bleecker & Grove
Overheard by: ED Aston
Sounds Like This Zebra I Know
Girl #1: So this guy I work with has been hitting on me a lot lately.
Girl #2: Is he Mexican?
Girl #1: No...he's black or white or something.
--The Cutting Room, West 24th Street
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
And It's Too Windy for Air Mail
Mailwoman: Ma'am, the zip code you gave is for Michigan.
Lady: No! Illinois is in Chicago. My son don't live in Michigan. Illinois is in Chicago! Chicago is a big state with lots of towns! Illinois is in Chicago!
Mailwoman: You gived me the wrong information, and I can't help you.
Lady: You're giving me bullshit. You're fucking bullshit! Bullshit! Illinois is in fucking Chicago. This is fucking bullshit.
--Post Office, Jamaica
Overheard by: James
Define "Career"
Promoter guy: Hey, see a comedy show! Is your relationship in trouble? Humor will help
Girl: No, thanks.
Promoter guy: Your relationship's in trouble.
Girl: Yeah, like your career.
--42nd & 7th
Must Be a Quadriplegic or Something
Girl #1: It would be so crazy if we were all in an alternate universe and then saw ourselves hanging out here like we always do.
Guy: Then you would have to have sex with yourself.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: I mean, if I could have sex with myself, I probably would.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Adrienne Walters
Her Friends Call Her Corky
Teen boy #1: You know what my mom does? She bathes in champagne.
Teen boy #2: Yeah?
Teen boy #1: It's supposed to be good luck, you know?
Teen girl: What, does she just pour Cristal all over herself or something?
Teen boy #1: Nah. I think she puts it on a sponge.
--D train
And Big Brother is Here Watching
Teen boy: I haven't read one page of that Animal Farm.
Teen girl: Apparently, because we're reading 1984.
--6 train
Overheard by: jazz
The Shrapnel Took Out Grandpa
Little girl: Mommy, do you have veins in your head?
Mom: Of course you do. That's how Grandma died; a big vein in her brain exploded.
--Starbucks, 54th & Broadway
Overheard by: Glynnis O
Only If It's Decaf
Security lady #1: I don't think I never met an Amish person.
Security lady #2: Ain't that Marie Osmond an Amish? Yeah, she's an Amish person.
Security lady #1: If she's Amish, why is she allowed to wear so much makeup? They can't wear makeup, right?
--LaGuardia
His #2 Choice is Even Worse
Teen boy #1: Man, I don't know what I would do...Three billion dollars is a lot of green, yo. What would you guys do?
Teen boy #2: Yo, I'd get me one of them golden showers, son.
Teen boy #1: Dude, that's when someone pees on you.
--E train
PS I threw up on the note, too.
Guy: I could become a sheriff. Don't you have to take a test to become a sheriff? What if you have one of those disorders that you throw up whenever you take a test?
Girl: Well I guess you could get a note or something.
Guy: Oh yeah, you could be like, "I threw up on my test, that's why it smells funny. Here's a note."
--F train
Overheard by: Graham Davis
He's Begging for Spontaneous Combustion
Guy #1: Yo, she want me to give her a kid, son. She only 28. I'm like, you don't need no kid when you 28. Just start in your thirties and have 'em back to back to back.
Girl: You make it sound pretty easy to have kids back to back. That's hard on a woman.
Guy #1: And she ain't the only one. Lots of girls want me to give them kids.
Girl: Your sperm is in high demand.
Guy #2: What do you want, man? You're a good-looking guy.
Guy #1: I know. I'm hot. But sometimes it feels like a curse to be this hot.
--4 train
Where Are They Now?: Dr. Laura
Bag lady: Can you spare some change?
Woman: No, I'm sorry.
Bag lady: Is that your boyfriend? Lose him.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Husband.
That's Like 7 in Dog Beers
Deli guy: Getting some beers?
Customer guy: Yup. Three for me and one for my dog.
--Bodega, Amsterdam & 109th
The Proverbial Woman Who Wears the Pants
Yarmulke guy #1: Well, I mean, like for me one of the biggest issues was religiosity.
Yarmulke guy #2: So, was she more or less than you?
Yarmulke guy #1: Much less.
Yarmulke guy #2: Yeah?
Yarmulke guy #1: Let me just put it this way: two days after we broke up she was wearing pants.
--1 train
Or a Homeless Vending Machine
Hobo: Can you spare some change?...Hey, could I have another one?
Man #1: What? Another dollar? I already gave you one; fuck you!
Man #2: Now that's what I call an ungrateful motherfucker.
--6 train
Overheard by: Rita E.
This Would Be a Great Commercial
Lady #1: Hey, do you remember how that conversation with Jim started today?
Lady #2: Um, honestly, no.
Lady #1: Well, fuck you then! Ginka balinka, Alzheimer's bitch!
--Office, Greenwich & Beach
"A copyeditor?"
Guy #1: So they're throwing a going away thing for him.
Guy #2: What, is he goin' to jail or somethin'?
Guy #1: Nah, he just became a corrections officer.
--College of Staten Island
"Hole foods?"
Guy #1: So I had my colonoscopy Tuesday. It was like I lost an hour out of my life.
Guy #2: What do you mean?
Guy #1: Oh that stuff they give you to make you sleepy. It gives you
amnesia or something.
Guy #2: That's messed up.
Guy #1: So my girlfriend tells me afterwords like five times that they removed a polyp and that they think it could be pre-cancerous. I won't know until next week or something.
Guy #2: So where do you want to get lunch?
--Wall between Pearl & Hanover
Overheard by: Barb Ordell
"...You and your brother! Honestly!"
Mom: Did she tell you to pee in your pants?
Little girl: No.
Mom: Then she didn't make you.
--Tompkins Square Park
"...No! Not that! Anything but that!"
Toddler boy: I don't need to go anymore.
Dad: I just waited in line for ten minutes. You better fart or something.
--Public bathroom, Coney Island
Overheard by: Ronnie Saha
Is There a Choice?
Teen girl #1: Yo, it smells like sex in this train!
Teen girl #2: What the hell does sex smell like?
Teen girl #1: Oops, that's right! You're a virgin. Well, it smells, well, uh,it smells like sex! Okay, who in this train just got some booty? Was it you? You? Oh hell naw, you're too ugly.
Teen girl #2: You really think someone would have sex on a crowded train?
--F train
Maybe It's Maybelline
Chick: I have to run in here and get more ChapStick.
Guy: You just bought chapstick yesterday.
Chick: My dog steals them and eats them.
Guy: That must be why his lips are so soft.
--Columbus between 89th & 90th
"...Munchkins with lollipops? Yeah, right!"
Chick: I don't never know where you at.
Guy: Aw, baby, I always tell you where I at.
Chick: Oh no, you don't. In fact, I still don't know where you at yesterday.
Guy: Well...I don't always know where you at neither.
Chick: Oh yes, you do. I always tell you where I at.
Guy: Nuh uh. I don't never know where you at till you get home from there.
--WTC PATH station
Overheard by: Meredith
None of That Drag Queen Lassie Crap
Man: Those are some fine-lookin' sweaters!
Old lady: Do you like them? I made them, you know.
Man: You made those?
Old lady: I did.
Man: Do you think you could make one for him?
Old lady: I would be delighted!
Man: But, you know...I mean...like, for a boy chihuahua.
--11th & B
Overheard by: Stephanie Matthew-Diaz
Girl #1: What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about the Johnny Cash song, A Boy Named Sue!
Girl #2: And I'm talking about my dog being a cross-dresser.
--27th & 7th
Wednesday One-liners Sit on the Throne
Woman on cell: Hold on, I have to juggle, I'm pushing a stroller, walking the dog and holding a big bag of poop.
--189th & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners Are for Boobs
Drunk girl: What kind of guys do you like?...What kind of guys do you like? I like guys with big tits.
--2nd Avenue & 11th Street
Overheard by: vegantoast
Wednesday One-liners by Peter
Suit: My dick was totally in one hand pissing while I was talking to the client.
--48th & Madison
Wednesday One-liners Will Miss Greenspan
Chick on cell: I need you to give me a ride home when I get off the bus. My grandma has been standing in front of my house for over one hour...I bet you anything she needs money again.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Julio
Wednesday One-liners Lost Their MetroCard
Hipster guy: Dude, he always blames it on the train dispatcher. He needs to own his problems, you know?
--F train
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Wednesday One-liners Are on the Other Line
Construction guy: Well, she didn't sound Chinese over the phone.
--Fulton & William
Wednesday One-liners Still Like Jesse
Guy: Did you see that woman? She looked at us like she'd never seen a black man before.
--NYU College of Dentistry elevator, East 24th Street
Wednesday One-liners Are Unclean...Unclean!
Girl: I can assure you...that at my apartment...there will be soap!
--39th & 6th
Wednesday One-liners for Backdoor Beauties
Guy: Dude, I think I just farted on a model.
--Broadway & Bleecker
Overheard by: Adam Tetzloff
Wednesday One-liners by Storm Field
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this Q train is currently making local stops due to the 12 cups of snow outside.
--Q train
Wednesday One-liners Rocket
Girl on cell: Oh my god, I'm shopping with my mom, and she's shopping for dildos!
--8th & University
Parve Wednesday One-liners
Bouncer: You see, the schlemiel is the guy who spills his soup in a restaurant. The schlimazel is the guy who has the soup spilled on him.
--1st & A
Guy: Well, what color was this Jew?
--Fort Greene
Woman on cell: ...That's just so not my thing. I am not that kind of Jew, Larry, okay?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Nicole
Lady lawyer: This is a disaster. They should never put non-Jews in charge of the catering.
--Office, Rockefeller Plaza
Chick: Come to think of it, all of my Jewish friends went to summer camp. Isn't that kind of ironic though; Jews at camp?
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Amanda
Teen boy: I want to be Jewish when I grow up.
--A train
Overheard by: drewseph
Guy on cell: You deserve a gold Jewish Star of David!...Did you swallow?...Yeah, that's true, one step at a time.
--Astoria
Overheard by: SEM
As If, Bottomboimanhattan24
Queer #1: So, what did you think of him?
Queer #2: I don't see what he sees in him.
Queer #1: And he's poor.
Queer #2: No! Why is he with someone that homely if he doesn't have
money?
Queer #1: And did you see his teeth?
Queer #2: There isn't enough money for me to stick my dick in that
mouth.
--81st & Amsterdam
And Next Time, Stay There
Tourist lady #1: Excuse me, can you tell us how to get to the corner of Madison and Park?
Man: No such place. See, those streets run--
Tourist lady #2: Oh, he doesn't know. We just came from there, so let's just go back the way we came.
--34th & Park
Overheard by: Manhattman
It Took Miss Muffet and Bo Peep a Lot of Tequila
Guy: Hey a six-legged lamb was born in Belgium over the weekend.
Girl: Are they sure it wasn't a four=legged spider?...I mean, a six-legged...I mean, a spider with wool?
--Office, Flatiron Building
Overheard by: Peter H
Suit: Who needs variety when we got fucking spiderlambs?
--51st & 6th
Temporal Displacement?
Chick: Let's go to the other wing. I'm not that interested in seeing the modern art.
Guy: Then why are we at the Museum of Modern Art?
--The Met
Overheard by: djlindee
Human Pyramid?
Worker guy: We're going to try to get the line moving quicker. Anyone who is in a group of 2 or more people, have 1 person stand in line and buy tickets. The other members of your group can go to a waiting area and you can meet them there.
Tourist guy: But what if all 3 of us want to go up to the top?
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Tra
She Was Listening to Alanis, Incorrectly
Girl #1: ...and I will totally sell you my old shuffle, cheap.
Girl #2: I don't know...
Guy: Fuck that, iTunes sucks! All iProducts suck!
Girl #2: Shh! You might offend the girl with the iPod.
Guy: Fuck her! She can't hear us with those ear things in!
--F train
Overheard by: Girl with the iPod
"No, Old York."
Old woman: Excuse me sir, do you have the time?
Suit: 8:45.
Old woman: Is that New York time?
--47th & 3rd
Birthday Cake is More Traditional
Little girl: I wish I could have that cookie.
Mother: It's nice to wish.
--Starbucks, 111th & Broadway
I'm Guessing Legacy Admission
Mom: Do you know that she got into Brooklyn University? They must let everyone in there.
Dad: Brooklyn University?
Mom: Um, or maybe Long Island University? Or maybe Brooklyn University in Long Island?
--Shun Lee Cafe, West 65th Street
Football Teams Do It All the Time
Teen girl #1: Oh my god, I wanna be on Made!
Teen girl #2: Like the tv show?
Teen girl #1: But everything has been done already.
Teen girl #3: They could make you into a lesbian.
--4 train
They Waxed the Floor and Soaked the Sheets
Girl #1: So we basically spent the entire day having sex on Sunday.
Girl #2: Oh my god! How do you get any chores done?
--Orchard & Stanton
This Website Doesn't Help Matters
Girl: Well maybe you should start seeing a therapist.
Guy: I bet you they'll just say I'm paranoid.
--76th & Broadway
Any Volunteers?
Girl: How come you don't eat me out anymore?
Guy: You have ridiculously strong thighs.
Girl: So?
Guy: When you cum you crush my head.
Girl: Jesus, you're such a pussy.
--L train
"No, like trial and error."
Yuppie guy: I want to have three kids. First a boy, then two girls.
Girl: What if it doesn't happen in that order?
Yuppie guy: There are ways to make it happen.
Girl: Oh, like, different positions?
--48th & 7th
I See MTA Work in Your Future
Guy #1: Hall of psychics!
Guy #2: That says "physics".
--Broadway & Washington Place
Overheard by: mara
I Can't Believe It's Not Breathing
Chick #1: So I took out the butter, you know, in the butter dish.
Chick #2: And...
Chick #1: It had been an avocado, like a year ago.
Chick #2: Ew!
Chick #1: So I just skipped breakfast.
Chick #2: What did you do with it?
Chick #1: What do you mean, what did I do with it?
Chick #2: Like, did you throw the whole butter dish away or what?
Chick #1: I just put it back in the fridge.
Chick #2: Right.
--Starbucks, Brooklyn Heights
Spring is Here, New York!
Hobo: You remember me?
Bag lady: Yeah, I remember you; I still don't like you.
Hobo: I still don't like you either. You still gotta wash your ass. Stop smokin' crack and wash your asshole!
--1 train
Overheard by: Nico Medina
Taco Bell Might Sue
Girl #1: I don't normally carry a bag of vomit with me as a weapon.
Girl #2: We should market that.
--54th & 7th
How Was Your St. Paddy's Day, New York?
Hobo: Spare some change for the leprechaun? I just need four dollars to get back over the rainbow.
--1 train
"It's a shiny red ball."
Girl #1: Well he's only ten years older than me!
Girl #2: That's almost rape! Sweetie, he's probably some sick pedophile.
Girl #1: It's not so bad...When I was sixteen he was only 24, right?
Girl #2: Well at least you're intellectual equivalents.
Girl #1: What's that?
--L train
She Bought Him a Water Fountain
Girl: But you're not black.
Guy: You treat me like I'm black.
--Bowery Ballroom, Delancey Street
Overheard by: Christopher R. Weingarten
Your Jokes Are So Lame, FDR is Jealous
Little boy #1: Your pants are so tight, your balls have asthma.
Little boy #2: But that's my joke...
--12th between A & B
Lights Turn On in a Breeze!
Guy: You in need of a husband?
Woman: I've got the clap.
--N train
Overheard by: Camille Marquis
Why You Gotta Be Ignorant All Your Life?
Girl #1: Isn't this the bar we're going to?
Girl #2: No, that place is called Barbacasue. We're going to Valley something.
Girl #1: Where does it say that?
Girl #2: Right up there, on that sign.
Girl #1: That says "barbecue", you asshole!
--27th & 5th
Overheard by: Krissimarie
That's Called Abstinence
Dude #1: "I won't be home until after I go to the pharmacy." That's like, the third month in a row that she forgot! Well, at $2 a pill, I guess it's better than the alternative.
Dude #2: Totally...Wait, I don't get it.
--Elevator, 29th & 7th
Overheard by: Jeff Nunner
Sounds More Like King-sized
Girl: The last guy she slept with was eleven inches.
Guy: Well, she is from Queens.
--N train
And Yet Still Right
Girl #1: What's a pipe dream?
Girl #2: ...It's like a farfetched dream.
Girl #1: Yeah, I always thought it was, like, an idea someone got when they were high and they thought it was a good idea at the time because...you know, they were stoned.
Girl #2: You're retarded.
--N train
Don't Be a Traitor, Joe
Guy: I don't get it. C-Town has more of a selection!
Girl: ...I don't know why you have to ruin this experience for me.
--Trader Joe's, East 14th Street
Overheard by: ToneLoca
Collect 'Em All!
Girl #1: When I got on the bus today, there was a needle on the seat next to me and I didn't know what to do with it!
Girl #2: Yeah, there could have been syphilis on it or something...
Girl #1: Yeah, I was thinking more like AIDS, but sure.
--56th & 8th
I Don't Hear Her Complaining, Jan
Power walker guy: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Power walker lady: Yeah, 27.
Power walker guy: How many?
Power walker lady: I am number 14 of 28 children.
--Central Park
Overheard by: jo mo packward
That is the Question, Isn't It?
Old lady: Excuse me, are you a half Hindu?
Desi girl: No, I'm a full Hindu.
Old lady: Well, I just love Krishna.
Desi girl: Who's Krishna?
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Hence "Latin America"
Girl #1: What did she just say?
Girl #2: She said "quesadilla".
Girl #1: Huh?
Girl #2: It's Latin.
--AMC Empire 25, West 42nd Street
Chloe Sevigny Must Be Twins
Guy #1: And I didn't even go to first base with her. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
Guy #2: Yeah. We were with the ugliest girls in the world that night.
--53rd & Lexington
The Buddhist Guys Are Too Fat
Girl #1: You should date the Jew; he would take you out to dinner and then they bone you.
Girl #2: Oh, as opposed to the Catholic ones that we just bone and skip dinner altogether?
--3rd Avenue & 10th Street
The Game's Almost Up
Old man: Life is just a game.
Dude: Totally.
Old man: Some people do crosswords, I wake up in the morning.
--Mama B's Cafe, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Terrence Adams
She Watched All of Batman Forever
Queer: It's happening again. My eye is totally twitching.
Guy: No, I don't see anythinig. are you sure?
Queer: I'm sure. I can feel it. I can feel it but no one can see it. It's twitching.
Guy: I don't see it.
Queer: It's not my eyeball, it's here. This is so gross.
Guy: Yeah, i just don't see it.
Queer: It is so disturbing. This happens to Sheila, too, and no one else can see. Only it's half of her face.
--1 train
Overheard by: Cherie
Google It
Guy #1: It's witch-tit cold out here.
Guy #2: "Witch-tit cold"? What the fuck is that?
Guy #1: It's like "cold as a witch's teat", but updated for the 21st century.
--11th between 1st & A
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Thank God He Had Life Alert
Guy #1: So I was standin' in front of the door in the train the other day, and this old lady shoves me like three times when the doors opened. I stepped aside to look at her and I pushed her like this.
Guy #2: What did she do?
Guy #1: She just looked and me and walked out. Fucking bitch!
--N train
She's a Highlander, Too
Cashier chick #1: Girl, I had a dream last night that I was pregnant!
Cashier chick #2: Damn girl, don't you know that mean someone is gonna die?
Cashier chick #1: Oh no. I don't want no one in my family to die. Except my grandma.
--C-Town, Astoria
Overheard by: Cap'n Ron
Kind of an Oblique Reference
Teen boy #1: I hear that girls don't like muscles, anyways.
Teen boy #2: Well, not creepy ones.
--R train
Overheard by: kk
Some Even Watch the Monitor, Too
Woman #1: They done got my paycheck wrong again. I'm so upset.
Woman #2: How'd they do that this time?
Woman #1: I don't know, with computers these days, you type in one thing wrong and it ain't gonna come out right.
Woman #2: Y'know, it's those young girls in the office that don't pay no attention to what they're doin'.
Woman #1: You're right! They have their fake press-on nails and damn fake hair. And they spend all day running their fake nails through their fake hair instead of watching the keyboard.
Woman #2: Oh, you're just jealous.
--2 train
Goats Will Eat Anything
Visitor lady #1: What was the name of your vibrator? Was it Pedro or Paco?
Visitor lady #2: No, it was my first one: Sergei.
Visitor lady #1: What? Why did I say Pedro? Where did that come from?
Patient guy: ...My first goat's name was Pedro.
--Mount Sinai Rehabilitation Center, Gustave Levy Place
Overheard by: Lindroid
She Couldn't Stomach the Taste of Sure
Lady #1: I didn't know what to do, so I took a used tissue out. But I
was so embarrassed.
Lady #2: It's better than letting it drip on the table.
Lady #1: Yeah...
Lady #2: Sometimes the office gets so hot, people come in tank tops.
Lady #1: I know.
Lady #2: One time I went to a meeting and a drip of sweat fell from my head. I was mortified.
Lady #1: Oh my god.
Lady #2: Now I make sure I stand in an air-conditioned room for 15
minutes before going to a meeting. That was one of the most terrible days of my life.
--Speedy Deli, 32nd & Broadway
Overheard by: deckard
The Five Basic Fool Groups
Guy: Why do they put peas in the fried rice? Peas and carrots? I don't want that in my fried rice.
Girl: Because it's vegetable fried rice.
Guy: That's what the egg is for.
Girl: Egg is not a vegetable. Wait...What is it? Dairy? It should be meat, because if you let it go it will be meat.
Guy: I think it's produce.
--LaGuardia
More Like France
Dad: Do you know what a eunuch is?
Teen boy: Sure, it's a place in Germany.
Dad: No, it is a man whose balls have been cut off.
Teen boy: In Germany?
--27th & 6th
They Also Watch Their Kids Get Eaten
Girl: Hey, what's this about?
Guy: Uh, it's a documentary.
Girl: So they just march around?
--Borders, Time Warner Center
Overheard by: JHA
You Could Pull Them Off, If You're Bigger
Chick: So do you wear briefs or boxers?
Dude: You mean panties?
Chick: No, you know, briefs.
Dude: Boxers. I wear boxers. Adult males don't wear panties. Panties are for girls.
Chick: Why you call 'em panties?
Dude: That's what we call 'em in jail.
--Hudson & Charleton
California Raisins for Brains
Teen girl #1: Yeah, it's totally true. I heard it on the olive branch.
Teen girl #2: "Olive branch"?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, you know. It's going around...It's a rumor. The olive branch.
Teen girl #2: You mean the grape branch?
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: rebecca
"Cayman Islands, mostly."
Suit: He's cute...What'd he say?
Mom: He was askin' you where your fronts are at.
--B train
Overheard by: Jay Irwin
Isn't That Nice?
Tourist lady: Everyone has been so nice in New York; not what I expected.
Woman: We are nice, just self-absorbed.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Renaissance Chick
Chick #1: Omigod, like, if I like your earrings, why should I tell someone else I like your earrings? I should just tell you.
Chick #2: Omigod, I'm just like that too. But really it's because I love getting compliments.
Chick #1: Omigod! Me, too! It's the only reason why I say nice things to other people.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Girl: Fuck nice! I am a born and bred New Yorker, I don't care for nice. I dont' want to be nice, I want to be right! Fuck nice!
--O'Neil's Irish Bar ladies' room, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Banana
"Thank you for being a friend!"
Chick #1: Who's that actress who plays Blanche Devereaux?
Chick #2: Rue McClanahan!
Chick #1: Okay, you can say it. You're not drunk enough yet.
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Winnie Cooper
Do I Have an Opening Bid?
Girl #1: I don't like that picture. It looks like I just had sex.
Girl #2: Yeah, and I look like I just had it with you.
--6 train
It's Gonna Be One Awkward Morning
Lady #1: Look at me. I'm taking Percocet and drinking red wine.
Lady #2: I think they call that a Napa Valley speedball.
--McCoy's Bar, 9th Avenue
Overheard by: Katrina Olson
They Meant What You Think
Little girl #1: That's a pooty.
Little girl #2: My mom has one with gray hair.
--The Gap, 86th & Broadway
Overheard by: DJ Cayenne
They Can Help You in Richmond
Dude #1: Yo, what's up?
Dude #2: I know what's going up.
Dude #1: The price of stamps?
Dude #2: This elevator don't go down till the passengers get off. A samurai won't sheath their sword without the taste of blood...Fool, my penis! Damn, you just broke the elevator. Way to go, homo.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Gary Wattson
Where's the Climax to This Story?
Guy #1: Last summer I was hangin' out in Richmond for a weekend and me and some other people were havin' a party and someone gave me and this girl a pill and told us it was painkillers.
Guy #2: Oh yeah? Sounds like...fun.
Guy #1: Well the next day, after we had had sex in a pool in front of like 30 people for about 10 hours, the girl who told us it was painkillers told us it was actually Cialis.
--CVS, 23rd & 1st
Overheard by: katie facada
"Who's Gould?"
B&T girl: Oh my god, is that Kramer?
B&T guy: Oh yeah, hey, I think it is.
Man: That's Elliott fucking Gould.
--Katz's Deli, Houston Street
We've Got Scabs Ready, TWU
Loudspeaker hijacker #1: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. The monkey bit the conductor.
Loudspeaker hijacker #2: Ladies...and gentlemen--Awoo!--please extinguish all crack pipes and prepare for lift off.
--D train
Overheard by: Michael Squeglia
That's What He Said!
Chick #1: Hey, who was Yasser Arafat?
Chick #2: Uh, wasn't he the president of Mexico?
Chick #1: Kill me.
--Washington Square Park
Deal or No Deal?
Vendor guy: Yo man, you 420 friendly? Here, here; here's my card. Call me up.
Girl: Uh, yeah sure. Can I get my change?
Vendor guy: Oh, right, right. Sure.
Dude: Hey man, can I get $4 worth of weed?
Vendor guy: What? Man. What?
Dude: $4 of weed, man.
Vendor guy: What are you talking about, man? I don't sell weed. What kind of man do you take me for? Buy $4 of weed. man. I'm offended. Especially in front of this beautiful girl. Asking for weed. Man, what's yo problem?
--30th & 8th
Overheard by: Justine
"We were in Narnia; her wardrobe malfunctioned."
Guy #1: So, I had this dream about Janet Jackson last night.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: She told me, "Mitch, get your shit together".
--9th Street & 1st Avenue
Would She Rather Catch Toes?
Girl #1: Whatever, you never even let me put my feet on the furniture when I stay with you.
Girl #2: That is because your feet were covered with warts!
Girl #1: Warts that I caught from the Mother Wart that was on your foot!
--Central Park
In Order: Decaf, Unicorns, and the Tides
Lady: When I was a kid, I would always invent things on the train. I'd tell my mom about them and then a month later they'd get invented.
Chick: Wow, really?
Lady: Yeah. It happened like three times that I talked to my mom about something on the train and then it got invented.
--2 train
He Had That Barbie Look
Dude #1: We were discussing the Holocaust in my class, and there was this really hot guy in it, and all I could think about was fucking him.
Dude #2: Fucking a guy in the Holocaust? Ew.
--1st Avenue & 12th Street
What's in a Name, Wednesday One-liners?
Receptionist lady: Don't you be sayin' my whole name; I'm on America's Most Wanted!
--NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital, West 168th Street
Overheard by: supermerm
Wednesday One-liners Sport Beef Curtains
Guy: That's why people like me: for my vagina-cleansing properties.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Thiess
Your Prescription is Wednesday One-liners
Dowager: Today was the first day I took a Celebrex since the pogo stick thing.
--Park & 60th
Overheard by: Frank Laser
Wednesday One-liners Found "The One"
Suit on cell: It's sex: somebody's always taking advantage of someone else...Oh shit, this girl just gave me a look. That's gonna be on Overheard tomorrow, I just know it.
--45th & Lexington
Overheard by: No, not her
Wednesday One-liners See No UHO Money
Hobo: Yeah man, that's good shit. Except for those white-ass American bandstand drummers. Whoever heard of fucking Clark Kent playing bongos?
--55th & 9th
Overheard by: Luke Reynolds
Wednesday One-liners Lunch Hour
Teen boy: Yo, I got the munchies, B...Yo, what happened to the guys with candy and shit? Shit was mad convenient.
--1 train
Overheard by: I. J. Meyers