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April 2006 Archives
Why They Got Rid of Open Admissions
Dad: See that building, honey?
Little daughter: Yeah
Dad: It's Hunter College. It's where they train hunters! Elmer Fudd goes there.
Little daughter: Uh hum.
--M79 bus
I Told Her That I Loved Her But She Still Said No
Man whispering into cell phone: I heard that if you inject enough [mumblemumble]into his bloodstream, in a couple of hours, the coroner can't tell the cause of death!
...Uh huh, uh huh
...I know, baby, I know.
...Yeah, I know. But baby, will you be my alibi?
--F train
Overheard by: catherinecanfly
A Cocktail Sausage Killed My Father
Weiner dog: Woof woof.
Hobo: That isn't fucking funny! Piece of shit, fucking hors d'oeuvres on wheels!
--Lex between 86 & 87
The Poor Man's Orgasmatron
Dude #1: Have you heard of the sleeper?
Dude #2: No, what's that?
Dude #1: It's when you sit on your hand for five minutes then rub one out. It feels like someone else is jerking you off.
Dude #2: I'm trying that as soon as I get home man, thanks!
--Mulberry St, Chinatown
Overheard by: Jewess Jay
In LA, This Passes for a Threat
Thug #1: ...and the next thing you know, you'll be doing Miss Congeniality 3.
Thug #2: Word.
--39th & 8th
Good Thing He Had Those Ruby Slippers
Asian guy #1: Ok, here's the train.
Asian guy #2: Dude! No way! That's the Q!
Asian guy #1: What?
Asian guy #2: Dude! You couldn't pay me to take the Q! Last time I took the Q, I got on around Canal Street and next thing I knew, I was in. . like. . . Brooklyn!
--Herald Square station
That Was Alsome
Guy: Remember when your shit was all yellow and shit? Remember that? What happened then?
Girl: I DON'T CARE!
--Broadway & Grand
Then Stop Talking to Me Already
Urinal user: Hey!
Stall user: Yeah?
Urinal user: You doing number one in there?
Stall user: Um . . . yeah.
Urinal user: Good! Because if you're talking when you're doing number two it don't come out right.
--87th & 1st
So Do You Come to Petco Often?
Boy #1: That bitch kind of looks like her dog.
Boy #2: Yeah, but she's busted.
Boy #1: Word, I'd definitely pipe the dog before I piped her.
Boy #2: What the fuck?
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Overheard by: sarahh
His Dad Is Small Potatoes
Little boy: So far, this is the worst day of my life.
Mom: Oh, no. You're still a small fry.
Little boy: I am not a "small fries!" Why do you keep saying that?
--Bleecker & Christopher
Overheard by: Manhattman
They're a Special Breed
Man: Hi...Nice to see you again.
Woman: Hi.
Man: How's your Prius?
--Broadway & 8th during Anti-War Rally
Overheard by: Joey Gillis
But Where Can I Buy a Man at This Time of Night?
Woman holding flowers: How much are these?
Vendor: Eight dollars.
Woman: Eight dollars? That is ridiculous!
Vendor: Well maybe you should stop buying yourself flowers and get a man to buy them for you.
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
They Have 400 Words for "Tan"
Girl: I don't look like an Eskimo, I have a tan.
Guy: I thought Eskimos were darker skinned.
Girl: [silence]
Guy: I thought Eskimos were darker. I think their skin is darker.
Girl: [silence]
Guy: I think they have darker skin.
Girl: [silence]
Guy: Anyway I think it'd be funny to see you in an igloo.
--2/3 train
Too Much Information Even for Us
Woman: Oh my God, is there a bathroom at the next stop? I just felt the rumblings of the Communist invasion, and I'm less than prepared.
Man: Fucking tourist.
--F train
Overheard by: Rachel Bloch
Actually, I'll Be Driving. You'll Be Walking.
Guy #1: I know, I need to get my license.
Guy #2: Son, I'm telling you when you get that shit you'll be walking along like you are King Jafee-Jafee of Zamundo.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: Matthew Innes
Thinks Ella Fitzgerald Wrote The Great Gatsby
Tourist #1: You know that song that Billy Strayhorn wrote, called "Take The A Train"? He wrote it about taking the A train up to Harlem, and then he gave it to Duke Ellington. The rest is history.
Tourist #2: Who's Duke Ellington?
Tourist #1: Never mind!
--A train
High Schools
Girl #1: You gotta figure out what you're gonna study in college. you oughta check out this holistic college, ya know, for holistic medicine?
Girl #2: Yeah, like holistic medicine?
Girl #1: It's a two-year program to get certified and it's all hippies who are all potted up so you don't have to do anything.
Girl #2: You mean, like "sit on this crystal and write a paper about it."
Girl #1: Ha ha! Yeah, so then you're certified. You oughta do that.
Girl #2: Maybe I'll be a pilot.
--N train
Secrets of Pick-Up Artists
Drunk guy: Lemme get a bacon, egg, and cheese.
Cashier: Sorry, we don't have bacon.
Drunk guy: Can I have it on a bagel then?
Cashier: That's not the problem. We don't have any bacon.
Drunk guy: Can I just have a bacon, egg and cheese?
Cashier: Sir, there is no bacon, ok?
Drunk guy: Can I just have your number then?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 83rd St.
Overheard by: Maunica
Kate Moss Has Moved on to Formaldehyde
Chick: I've always wanted to try coke.
Guy: It's not that good, but I hear heroin's great.
--Alligator Lounge
Not As Good As He Is
Twentysomething girl #1: Why didn't you go in his room and see if he was home?
Twentysomething girl #2: So I could go in there and see him with his dick out? Porn all over the place, passed out like he exhausted himself? I'm good. No thanks.
--33rd St. PATH train
Overheard by: Teen
It Works on Her Kids
Woman #1: And who the hell told you that junk!
Woman #2: It was Bessie.
Woman #1: Bessie! Oh I'm gonna slap that bitch to sleep!
--Madison & 42nd
Overheard by: Ozzy VonHammer
Just Put Out Some Gummy Honey and Wait
Hawaiian shirt grocery dude: Gummy what?
Hipster: Bears.
Grocery dude: Um... Let me ask the manager.
--Trader Joe's, 14th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Can You Get a GED for Sunday School?
Man: I'm getting my hair cut really short, I think.
Woman: I don't think that will ever happen. You're like Goliath with your hair.
Man: You mean Sampson.
Wonan: Who? Oh, is that who it is?
Man: Yeah, I'm not a giant.
--N train
The Other Times He Was Meditating
Dreadlocked guy: I'm a customer and you're saying I can't use the restroom?
Ambiguously ethnic deli owner: You can't use it this often. You come here every day and stay there for 20-25 minutes. I don't know what you're doing in there.
Dreadlocked guy: Well if you want to get so technical, the first time I was taking a dump.
--34th & 1st
Therapy Is Finally Paying Off
Guy #1: He took it; it'll both depict us.
Guy #2: I don't want to be both depicted. I want my own shit.
--East 3rd @ Ave A
Overheard by: Kira
You're Just on the Wrong Service Plan
Benchwarmer #1: Yo man, what is that thing?
Benchwarmer #2: Oh, it's a Verizon PDA. It has a typing pad, camera, and e-mail.
Benchwarmer #1: Wow. What doesn't that thing do?
Benchwarmer #2: Suck my dick.
--Central Park baseball field
It's Complicated
Girl: Did you just fart?
Guy: That's an awkward question.
Girl: Is that a yes?
--Silver Center, NYU
I Told You Hobos Can't Close
Homeless man: Can anyone spare some change for a homeless man? Can anyone spare a penny, nickel, or dime? Penny, nickel, or dime?
Subway doors close.
Homeless man: Oh, shit, wait, I got to get off this train! Get out of my way!
Subway rider: You're not going to get much with that sales pitch.
--N train, Queensborough Plaza
Overheard by: Josh Shurtleff
Hobos Just Can't Close
Realtor guy:...and the area is really gentrifying quite nicely...very safe. The people from the projects never come over to this side of the neighborhood, so it's a great place to raise a family.
Homeless passerby pushing a wheelbarrow full of junk: Could you folks help me out with some money to buy food? Give me money. I haven't eaten in three days.
Realtor guy: Sorry, I... I work on commission. [To his clients]
This happens even in Cobble Hill.
The husband and wife walk towards their car.
Homeless guy: Come on man, I'm hungry!
Realtor guy: Fuck you, you just cost me a commission!
--Dwight & Dikeman, Red Hook
Overheard by: Paul J. Pinizzotto
She Only Knows the Cute Presidents
Guy: Maybe it has to do with Grover Cleveland...
Drunk girl: Who's Grover Cleveland?
Guy: I'm a Canadian and I know who Grover Cleveland is.
Drunk girl [proudly]: Well, I'm an American and I don't know!
--Yankees Stadium
I'm Still Waiting
Woman: I know. Haven't they figured out yet that if you hang around The Nation long enough, you'll get hired?
Man: They hire anyone.
--elevator, The Nation building
She Prefers Meateaters
Bagboy: What's with all the bruises?
Cashier girl: My boyfriend likes to bite.
Bagboy: What? You dating vampires now but you still won't go out with Tommy?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: next in line
Kind of Like Your Mouth
Frat boy #1: Dude! So if you had a pencil, and she was naked, you could totally fit the pencil in the folds under her ass. She's just flappy, man!
Frat boy #2: Yeah, dude!
--2 train
Not Personal Enough
Woman #1: So, your vagina's open, right?
Woman #2: ...yeah.
Woman #1: And there's a smell.
Woman #2: Um.
Woman #1: And it's a very personal smell!
--Broadway & Waverly
She Could Have at Least Emailed
Guy: So my friend from New Jersey just texted me...
Girl: Yeah?
Guy: Yeah, she's pregnant and wants to me to be the godfather.
--NYU bus
It's Shaped Like a Fuckedupagon
Ghetto guy #1: Man, that dude's hair is always fucked up.
Ghetto guy #2: Yo, he don't got no hair!
Ghetto guy #1: No, I mean his head is fucked up.
--Chambers Street station
Overheard by: mexican on wheels
Frank Lloyd Wright Is Spinning in His Ugly-Ass Grave
Guy #1: What's that? A parking garage?
Guy #2 [alarmed]: That's the Guggenheim!
--Across the street from the Guggenheim
Overheard by: Mary T Helmes Sheely
I'm Late for My Exorcism
Old lady: Hey, you know what time it is? You got a face so pretty, I swear I'll have to cut you if you don't tell me what time it is.
Guy: Five thirty.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Romanoff
Poor Word Choice
Guy #1: I just left a major deposit sitting in that toilet.
Guy #2: You didn't flush it?
Guy #1: It was an automatic flusher and nothing happened. There was a guy waiting to go in and I just gave him a shit-eating grin when I walked out. I mean, what am I supposed to do?
Guy #2: I wouldn't use the term "shit-eating grin" the next time you tell that story.
--Penn Station
Another Major Deposit
Thug #1: I heard he's in some shit. Married, two kids, child support,
a wife, girl on the side, and she just found out about his boyfriend.
Thug #2: Yeah, that's some shit.
--15th & 3rd
Overheard by: Garrett Ricciardi
No-Brainer
Sidewalk vendor #1 to friend: So, and now tell me honestly, is it better to have sex high or not-high?
Sidewalk vendor #2: What are you talking about, of course high is better!
Sidewalk vendor #1: Would you shut up and let the man answer?! Christ, no manners with this one. [To friend] So which is it?
--Broadway @ 112th
Overheard by: Matthew Daniel
Actually, It Was Dieting and Giving Head
Wannabe fashionista on cell: Yeah, so I have to walk the red carpet. What? No . . . My feet are trashed, but how much walking will I actually have to do? . . . What, Mom, stop it! I was trying on gowns the other day. But I have to find a smaller one. Yeah, they were too big. . . No, Mom! What do you think my job was when I was in PR, borrowing gowns from stars?
--Starbucks, 21st & 7th
Just Give It a Minute
Toddler girl #1: Is your camel dead yet?
Toddler girl #2: No. Not yet. Is yours?
--John Jay Park
I Hope She's Adopting
Girl #1: Should I have my baby shower before or after my wedding?
Girl #2: You'd better have it before. You're going to be really drunk after your wedding.
Girl #1: Yeah, good point. Well, one of them is going to be in July, I know that for sure.
--The Dollar Store
Overheard by: Kim Forbes
It Took You a Whole Hour?
Tall guy: Dude I swear to god, I was on my bed with this mad hot chick and we were making out for like a whole hour...
Short guy: Yeah? Did you put it in?
Tall guy: No...you don't understand...I was feeling her down there, and she...duuuuuude...she had a cock!
Pause
Short guy: Yeah? Did you put it in?
--L'Express
Overheard by: John Eckstein
Sounds Like a Nice Druish Boy
Girl #1: I think true love is when you know someone isn't perfect but you still think they are.
Girl #2: I thought love was when you could still feel butterflies in your heart even after he tells you he thinks he's an elf.
Girl #1: I keep forgetting that actually happened.
Girl #2: Yeah, and not to you.
Girl #1: Yeah, I don't know how I would have taken it.
--58th & 5th
Bulimia Is So 1997
Girl #1: That was so good! I'm so full!
Girl #2: Yeah... If this were freshmen year, I would totally go puke.
--Shake Shack
Wednesday One-liners Make Parenting Fast & Easy
Hipster guy on cell: So you like the kid more than the pussy?
--15th & Washington Sq. W
Overheard by: Joelseph Galasso
The Trailers Are the Best Part of Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: Grand Central, coming soon to a station stop near you.
--Metro-North, 125th St.
Overheard by: A Dedicated Commuter
Man talking to himself: Automated cartoon movie life. I don't want it.
--45th & 6th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Wednesday One-liners: Not Ready for the Olympics
Parking garage attendant: I ain't even playin'. This is not a game. I can eat the pussy for three hours. Straight.
--12th St. between 7th & 8th Ave, Park Slope
Guy: If you were playing Risk, and you were Charles Darwin, would you place all of your armies on the Galapagos Islands?
--91st & Columbus
Overheard by: John Bardes