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April 2006 Archives
Why They Got Rid of Open Admissions
Dad: See that building, honey?
Little daughter: Yeah
Dad: It's Hunter College. It's where they train hunters! Elmer Fudd goes there.
Little daughter: Uh hum.
--M79 bus
I Told Her That I Loved Her But She Still Said No
Man whispering into cell phone: I heard that if you inject enough [mumblemumble]into his bloodstream, in a couple of hours, the coroner can't tell the cause of death!
...Uh huh, uh huh
...I know, baby, I know.
...Yeah, I know. But baby, will you be my alibi?
--F train
Overheard by: catherinecanfly
A Cocktail Sausage Killed My Father
Weiner dog: Woof woof.
Hobo: That isn't fucking funny! Piece of shit, fucking hors d'oeuvres on wheels!
--Lex between 86 & 87
The Poor Man's Orgasmatron
Dude #1: Have you heard of the sleeper?
Dude #2: No, what's that?
Dude #1: It's when you sit on your hand for five minutes then rub one out. It feels like someone else is jerking you off.
Dude #2: I'm trying that as soon as I get home man, thanks!
--Mulberry St, Chinatown
Overheard by: Jewess Jay
In LA, This Passes for a Threat
Thug #1: ...and the next thing you know, you'll be doing Miss Congeniality 3.
Thug #2: Word.
--39th & 8th
Good Thing He Had Those Ruby Slippers
Asian guy #1: Ok, here's the train.
Asian guy #2: Dude! No way! That's the Q!
Asian guy #1: What?
Asian guy #2: Dude! You couldn't pay me to take the Q! Last time I took the Q, I got on around Canal Street and next thing I knew, I was in. . like. . . Brooklyn!
--Herald Square station
That Was Alsome
Guy: Remember when your shit was all yellow and shit? Remember that? What happened then?
Girl: I DON'T CARE!
--Broadway & Grand
Then Stop Talking to Me Already
Urinal user: Hey!
Stall user: Yeah?
Urinal user: You doing number one in there?
Stall user: Um . . . yeah.
Urinal user: Good! Because if you're talking when you're doing number two it don't come out right.
--87th & 1st
So Do You Come to Petco Often?
Boy #1: That bitch kind of looks like her dog.
Boy #2: Yeah, but she's busted.
Boy #1: Word, I'd definitely pipe the dog before I piped her.
Boy #2: What the fuck?
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Overheard by: sarahh
His Dad Is Small Potatoes
Little boy: So far, this is the worst day of my life.
Mom: Oh, no. You're still a small fry.
Little boy: I am not a "small fries!" Why do you keep saying that?
--Bleecker & Christopher
Overheard by: Manhattman
They're a Special Breed
Man: Hi...Nice to see you again.
Woman: Hi.
Man: How's your Prius?
--Broadway & 8th during Anti-War Rally
Overheard by: Joey Gillis
But Where Can I Buy a Man at This Time of Night?
Woman holding flowers: How much are these?
Vendor: Eight dollars.
Woman: Eight dollars? That is ridiculous!
Vendor: Well maybe you should stop buying yourself flowers and get a man to buy them for you.
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
They Have 400 Words for "Tan"
Girl: I don't look like an Eskimo, I have a tan.
Guy: I thought Eskimos were darker skinned.
Girl: [silence]
Guy: I thought Eskimos were darker. I think their skin is darker.
Girl: [silence]
Guy: I think they have darker skin.
Girl: [silence]
Guy: Anyway I think it'd be funny to see you in an igloo.
--2/3 train
Too Much Information Even for Us
Woman: Oh my God, is there a bathroom at the next stop? I just felt the rumblings of the Communist invasion, and I'm less than prepared.
Man: Fucking tourist.
--F train
Overheard by: Rachel Bloch
Actually, I'll Be Driving. You'll Be Walking.
Guy #1: I know, I need to get my license.
Guy #2: Son, I'm telling you when you get that shit you'll be walking along like you are King Jafee-Jafee of Zamundo.
--Wall Street
Overheard by: Matthew Innes
Thinks Ella Fitzgerald Wrote The Great Gatsby
Tourist #1: You know that song that Billy Strayhorn wrote, called "Take The A Train"? He wrote it about taking the A train up to Harlem, and then he gave it to Duke Ellington. The rest is history.
Tourist #2: Who's Duke Ellington?
Tourist #1: Never mind!
--A train
High Schools
Girl #1: You gotta figure out what you're gonna study in college. you oughta check out this holistic college, ya know, for holistic medicine?
Girl #2: Yeah, like holistic medicine?
Girl #1: It's a two-year program to get certified and it's all hippies who are all potted up so you don't have to do anything.
Girl #2: You mean, like "sit on this crystal and write a paper about it."
Girl #1: Ha ha! Yeah, so then you're certified. You oughta do that.
Girl #2: Maybe I'll be a pilot.
--N train
Secrets of Pick-Up Artists
Drunk guy: Lemme get a bacon, egg, and cheese.
Cashier: Sorry, we don't have bacon.
Drunk guy: Can I have it on a bagel then?
Cashier: That's not the problem. We don't have any bacon.
Drunk guy: Can I just have a bacon, egg and cheese?
Cashier: Sir, there is no bacon, ok?
Drunk guy: Can I just have your number then?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 83rd St.
Overheard by: Maunica
Kate Moss Has Moved on to Formaldehyde
Chick: I've always wanted to try coke.
Guy: It's not that good, but I hear heroin's great.
--Alligator Lounge
Not As Good As He Is
Twentysomething girl #1: Why didn't you go in his room and see if he was home?
Twentysomething girl #2: So I could go in there and see him with his dick out? Porn all over the place, passed out like he exhausted himself? I'm good. No thanks.
--33rd St. PATH train
Overheard by: Teen
It Works on Her Kids
Woman #1: And who the hell told you that junk!
Woman #2: It was Bessie.
Woman #1: Bessie! Oh I'm gonna slap that bitch to sleep!
--Madison & 42nd
Overheard by: Ozzy VonHammer
Just Put Out Some Gummy Honey and Wait
Hawaiian shirt grocery dude: Gummy what?
Hipster: Bears.
Grocery dude: Um... Let me ask the manager.
--Trader Joe's, 14th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Can You Get a GED for Sunday School?
Man: I'm getting my hair cut really short, I think.
Woman: I don't think that will ever happen. You're like Goliath with your hair.
Man: You mean Sampson.
Wonan: Who? Oh, is that who it is?
Man: Yeah, I'm not a giant.
--N train
The Other Times He Was Meditating
Dreadlocked guy: I'm a customer and you're saying I can't use the restroom?
Ambiguously ethnic deli owner: You can't use it this often. You come here every day and stay there for 20-25 minutes. I don't know what you're doing in there.
Dreadlocked guy: Well if you want to get so technical, the first time I was taking a dump.
--34th & 1st
Therapy Is Finally Paying Off
Guy #1: He took it; it'll both depict us.
Guy #2: I don't want to be both depicted. I want my own shit.
--East 3rd @ Ave A
Overheard by: Kira
You're Just on the Wrong Service Plan
Benchwarmer #1: Yo man, what is that thing?
Benchwarmer #2: Oh, it's a Verizon PDA. It has a typing pad, camera, and e-mail.
Benchwarmer #1: Wow. What doesn't that thing do?
Benchwarmer #2: Suck my dick.
--Central Park baseball field
It's Complicated
Girl: Did you just fart?
Guy: That's an awkward question.
Girl: Is that a yes?
--Silver Center, NYU
I Told You Hobos Can't Close
Homeless man: Can anyone spare some change for a homeless man? Can anyone spare a penny, nickel, or dime? Penny, nickel, or dime?
Subway doors close.
Homeless man: Oh, shit, wait, I got to get off this train! Get out of my way!
Subway rider: You're not going to get much with that sales pitch.
--N train, Queensborough Plaza
Overheard by: Josh Shurtleff
Hobos Just Can't Close
Realtor guy:...and the area is really gentrifying quite nicely...very safe. The people from the projects never come over to this side of the neighborhood, so it's a great place to raise a family.
Homeless passerby pushing a wheelbarrow full of junk: Could you folks help me out with some money to buy food? Give me money. I haven't eaten in three days.
Realtor guy: Sorry, I... I work on commission. [To his clients]
This happens even in Cobble Hill.
The husband and wife walk towards their car.
Homeless guy: Come on man, I'm hungry!
Realtor guy: Fuck you, you just cost me a commission!
--Dwight & Dikeman, Red Hook
Overheard by: Paul J. Pinizzotto
She Only Knows the Cute Presidents
Guy: Maybe it has to do with Grover Cleveland...
Drunk girl: Who's Grover Cleveland?
Guy: I'm a Canadian and I know who Grover Cleveland is.
Drunk girl [proudly]: Well, I'm an American and I don't know!
--Yankees Stadium
I'm Still Waiting
Woman: I know. Haven't they figured out yet that if you hang around The Nation long enough, you'll get hired?
Man: They hire anyone.
--elevator, The Nation building
She Prefers Meateaters
Bagboy: What's with all the bruises?
Cashier girl: My boyfriend likes to bite.
Bagboy: What? You dating vampires now but you still won't go out with Tommy?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: next in line
Kind of Like Your Mouth
Frat boy #1: Dude! So if you had a pencil, and she was naked, you could totally fit the pencil in the folds under her ass. She's just flappy, man!
Frat boy #2: Yeah, dude!
--2 train
Not Personal Enough
Woman #1: So, your vagina's open, right?
Woman #2: ...yeah.
Woman #1: And there's a smell.
Woman #2: Um.
Woman #1: And it's a very personal smell!
--Broadway & Waverly
She Could Have at Least Emailed
Guy: So my friend from New Jersey just texted me...
Girl: Yeah?
Guy: Yeah, she's pregnant and wants to me to be the godfather.
--NYU bus
It's Shaped Like a Fuckedupagon
Ghetto guy #1: Man, that dude's hair is always fucked up.
Ghetto guy #2: Yo, he don't got no hair!
Ghetto guy #1: No, I mean his head is fucked up.
--Chambers Street station
Overheard by: mexican on wheels
Frank Lloyd Wright Is Spinning in His Ugly-Ass Grave
Guy #1: What's that? A parking garage?
Guy #2 [alarmed]: That's the Guggenheim!
--Across the street from the Guggenheim
Overheard by: Mary T Helmes Sheely
I'm Late for My Exorcism
Old lady: Hey, you know what time it is? You got a face so pretty, I swear I'll have to cut you if you don't tell me what time it is.
Guy: Five thirty.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Romanoff
Poor Word Choice
Guy #1: I just left a major deposit sitting in that toilet.
Guy #2: You didn't flush it?
Guy #1: It was an automatic flusher and nothing happened. There was a guy waiting to go in and I just gave him a shit-eating grin when I walked out. I mean, what am I supposed to do?
Guy #2: I wouldn't use the term "shit-eating grin" the next time you tell that story.
--Penn Station
Another Major Deposit
Thug #1: I heard he's in some shit. Married, two kids, child support,
a wife, girl on the side, and she just found out about his boyfriend.
Thug #2: Yeah, that's some shit.
--15th & 3rd
Overheard by: Garrett Ricciardi
No-Brainer
Sidewalk vendor #1 to friend: So, and now tell me honestly, is it better to have sex high or not-high?
Sidewalk vendor #2: What are you talking about, of course high is better!
Sidewalk vendor #1: Would you shut up and let the man answer?! Christ, no manners with this one. [To friend] So which is it?
--Broadway @ 112th
Overheard by: Matthew Daniel
Actually, It Was Dieting and Giving Head
Wannabe fashionista on cell: Yeah, so I have to walk the red carpet. What? No . . . My feet are trashed, but how much walking will I actually have to do? . . . What, Mom, stop it! I was trying on gowns the other day. But I have to find a smaller one. Yeah, they were too big. . . No, Mom! What do you think my job was when I was in PR, borrowing gowns from stars?
--Starbucks, 21st & 7th
Just Give It a Minute
Toddler girl #1: Is your camel dead yet?
Toddler girl #2: No. Not yet. Is yours?
--John Jay Park
I Hope She's Adopting
Girl #1: Should I have my baby shower before or after my wedding?
Girl #2: You'd better have it before. You're going to be really drunk after your wedding.
Girl #1: Yeah, good point. Well, one of them is going to be in July, I know that for sure.
--The Dollar Store
Overheard by: Kim Forbes
It Took You a Whole Hour?
Tall guy: Dude I swear to god, I was on my bed with this mad hot chick and we were making out for like a whole hour...
Short guy: Yeah? Did you put it in?
Tall guy: No...you don't understand...I was feeling her down there, and she...duuuuuude...she had a cock!
Pause
Short guy: Yeah? Did you put it in?
--L'Express
Overheard by: John Eckstein
Sounds Like a Nice Druish Boy
Girl #1: I think true love is when you know someone isn't perfect but you still think they are.
Girl #2: I thought love was when you could still feel butterflies in your heart even after he tells you he thinks he's an elf.
Girl #1: I keep forgetting that actually happened.
Girl #2: Yeah, and not to you.
Girl #1: Yeah, I don't know how I would have taken it.
--58th & 5th
Bulimia Is So 1997
Girl #1: That was so good! I'm so full!
Girl #2: Yeah... If this were freshmen year, I would totally go puke.
--Shake Shack
Wednesday One-liners Make Parenting Fast & Easy
Hipster guy on cell: So you like the kid more than the pussy?
--15th & Washington Sq. W
Overheard by: Joelseph Galasso
The Trailers Are the Best Part of Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: Grand Central, coming soon to a station stop near you.
--Metro-North, 125th St.
Overheard by: A Dedicated Commuter
Man talking to himself: Automated cartoon movie life. I don't want it.
--45th & 6th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Wednesday One-liners: Not Ready for the Olympics
Parking garage attendant: I ain't even playin'. This is not a game. I can eat the pussy for three hours. Straight.
--12th St. between 7th & 8th Ave, Park Slope
Guy: If you were playing Risk, and you were Charles Darwin, would you place all of your armies on the Galapagos Islands?
--91st & Columbus
Overheard by: John Bardes
Gratuitous Wednesday One-liners About Penises
Toddler girl: Penis!
--The Time Warner Center
Overheard by: Ally
Guy talking to two male friends: Shut up! Shut the fuck up! If you don't want to put your dick in my mouth, that's OK, but shut up!
--Downtown A train platform, W. 4th St
Overheard by: miss professor
Hipster guy on phone: No, no, no, no that is the sound that they said my penis made when it died.
--Morgan & Grattan, East Williamsburg
Wednesday One-liners Make History Come Alive
Dude: Dude, the Thirty Years War ended four hundred years ago! Get over it!
--63rd and York
Overheard by: John Bardes
Amateur historian: The English people that lived on the Island respected her because she is Italian, and the English respect Italians because they respected the Romans.
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-liners with Versatile Toppings
Mature woman to mature husband, going in to see The Light in the Piazza: Piazza -- it means "little pizza."
--Beaumont Theatre, Lincoln Center
Wednesday One-liners Are Cooking with Gas
Girl on cell: ... a roma tomato, lime... I mean lemon, either one... omigosh, this is the wrong number! [hangs up]
--Staten Island Ferry
Wednesday One-Liners Go to Mass
Guy: [something in Spanish]... how do you say "altar boy"? You know, the ones whose little dicks the priest sucks?
--7th & Ave A
Overheard by: Jenny B
Wednesday One-liners Get Ugly
Guy to buddies: This chick was so ugly I wouldn't want to cum on her face.
--Off the Wagon
It's Not You, It's Wednesday One-liners
Hipster chick: I am so glad my ex-boyfriend and I have become friends again. I mean, I know he sued me and everything, but it just feels so good.
--Brooklyn Lyceum
Wednesday One-liners Paging Hugh Laurie
Man: Isn't "volvo" the medical term for a vagina?
--Jacob Javits Center
Overheard by: Tesla
Wednesday One-liners Ask Alice
Chick on cell: I woke up the next morning and there was a thong that said "eat me" on it in my bag!
--Warren Hall, Columbia Law School
Did I Mention That the Blind Man Had a Pistol?
Blind man: Anyone wanna give up a seat for a blind man? Any seats for a blind man on the subway?
A woman gives up her seat.
Suit: Man, I have got to try that one.
--2 train
Overheard by: Julia Giolzetti
They Say the Neon Lights Are Bright and Shit
Tourist man: Honey, is this Times Square?
Tourist wife: No, I think this is Union Square.
New Yorker: This is Herald Square. If you wanna go to Times Square, just walk north until you see all the lights and shit.
Tourist man: Thank you!
--33rd and 8th
Set a Course for Honkytown, Warp 9.5
Girl #1: Can I see your digital camera for a sec?
Girl #2: Not now.
Girl #1: Why not?
Girl #2: This is 125th Street. A little risky to be taking out expensive electronics.
Girl #1: Understood. I'll ask again at 86th.
--4 train
Overheard by: sarah bitchards
Skeletor Seeks Special Lady for Play, Maybe More
Skinny girl: I have to start getting serious about anorexia.
Friend: Yeah, seriously!
--Central Park
The Truly Hip Just Blink
A guy is standing outside the door to a party. A few other people arrive, and the guy says hi to each one. Each one says hi back, except the last one to walk in.
Guy #1: You don't say hi?
Guy #2: I just nod.
--McKibbin between Bushwick and Seigel
On the L, the Conductor Appears as a Burning Bush
Conductor over loudspeaker: Oh you think you're pretty bad by not giving up your spot.
Long pause.
Conductor over loudspeaker: Don't go pretending that you can't hear me now!
--N train
Overheard by: Gregorio
And We Can Smell Enthusiasm
Tourist girl #1: Oh my God, I feel like I'm in Sex and the City!
Tourist girl #2: Shut up, the natives can hear you.
--Central Park station
Overheard by: Spazza McChicken
They Shoot Ponies, Don't They?
Guy: You kicked me like a pony in the neck! Now I'm going to be slow for my entire life. You kicked me in the cerebellum!
Chick: That's not where your cerebellum is.
--Eugene O'Neill Theater
Overheard by: Nicole Thompson
Bison Burger Up for Mr. Polanski
Waiter: Would you like to order now?
Man: No, I'm waiting for my sister.
Waiter: You said before that you were waiting for your wife.
Man: No, I didn't. I said it was my sister.
Waiter: No, you didn't.
Man: Would you like to be in movies?
Waiter: No, why?
Man: You have a really nice speaking voice. You should think about it.
Waiter: You really think so?
Man: Yeah. I make movies. You should give it a try.
--Lyric Diner, 22nd & 3rd
At Least a Hamptons Brat Has Something to Aspire To
Woman: Honey, no matter how rich we get, I refuse to move to California.
Man: Why?
Woman: Because I refuse to have a spoiled brat for a child! I would want to raise them in New York.
Man: If we're rich, won't they be spoiled either way?
Woman: Yeah, but I'd rather have a Hamptons brat than an OC brat.
--Regal Cinemas Union Square
Overheard by: Tina L
Finally, a Good Reason to Just Say No
Three guys are standing outside of a restaurant talking about hiding drugs.
Guy: Yo, I just tie it up with string and put it next to my nutsack.
--Spring & W. Broadway
Overheard by: teca
Have You Considered that God Might Have Binoculars?
Woman #1: That's why I don't go to that church anymore, I don't want to kick that bitch's ass in God's house.
Woman #2: Huh?
Woman #1: Fuck that, I don't want to go to hell cuz a that bitch, I'd rather fuck her up outside.
--L train, Bedford Ave
Overheard by: HS
When in New York, Shut the Fuck Up
Tourist lady: Does this train go to 9/11?
Man: what?
Tourist lady: I want to see 9/11.
Man: You mean World Trade Center?
Tourist lady: No, I mean 9/11.
Other tourist lady: Oh no, you want the E train. I had this problem yesterday. New Yorkers are so unhelpful
Stunned silence all the way to 42nd St.
--Downtown C train, 50th St.
She's Bipartisan, But It's Just a Phase
Girl: Are you a conservative or a liberal?
Guy: I know all teenagers are supposed to be liberal, but I'm pretty conservative.
Girl: Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean. I was conservative until last week when I saw V for Vendetta. How hot is Natalie Portman?
--Bronx High School of Science
Do You Know How Many Fingers I'm Holding Up?
Salesboy: Hi, do you know about our sale?
Eurotrash: I know everything.
--fcuk, Prince St.
Well Baby, I Went Down and Got It For You
Guy: Hey, isn't that the painting from the Titanic?
Girlfriend: That is not even a possibility.
Guy: [looks confused] Well then, it's one of them. And look! It was made in 1917!
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
She Loves the Stateroom Scene
Promoter guy: Do you guys want to see a comedy show?
Tourist mom: Oh, sorry, we have an opera tonight.
Promoter guy: Oh! Fidelio?
Tourist mom: No, Phantom.
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andy Hobin
I Know a Gift Shop That Has Everything
Girl #1: So where's Matt?
Guy #1: I don't know, is he outside?
Girl #2: I don't think so...
Matt: Hey everybody! I'm back, I got the dildo!
--Top of the Empire State Building
Overheard by: brian h
The One Person Who Hasn't Seen the Bodies Exhibit
Guy #1: Man it's got to be the weather, 'cause I've been crazy horny lately.
Guy #2: Yeah, chicks are a just as horny, only difference is our testicles hang on the outside of our bodies.
--36th & 7th
You Sexy Motherfucker
Suit: Hey, I got this suit just for the interview. What do you think?
Suit's friend: Looks good.
Suit: Yeah, it does. I look so good in this suit I could probably get away with incest.
Suit's friend: Incest?!?
Suit: One of the hardest things to get away with.
--F train
The Danger of Cockfights
Twentysomething girl #1: After seeing that last body, I understand how he really did break his penis last year.
Twentysomething girl #2: Yeah, and you said he was just faking it.
--Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport
No, That's a Massager
Guy #1: Wow, there's a lot of weird stuff down here.
Guy #2: Yeah... this must be the "beyond" part.
--Bed Bath & Beyond, Chelsea
A Strike Is Just a Vacation with Jail Time
Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound...
[Long pause]
Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound Manhattan train...oh damnit.
[long pause]
Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound Manhattan train approaching Nevins Avenue.
Guy: It's Nevins Street, lady! The stop before that is Atlantic Avenue.
Lady: That person needs to go the fuck back on strike. She went 0 for fucking 3.
--Nevins Street station
Overheard by: Luke
The Smart Tourists Keep a Piece in Their Hair
Tourist #1: Where do you keep your wallet?
Tourist #2: I don't, I keep my money in my hair.
Tourist #3: I love how you two are talking about where you keep your money.
--Times Square
It's Not Luck, It's Planning
Yuppie businessman on cell: I don't care who designed them, you're taking them back... You spent $600 on a pair of fucking shoes!?Unbelievable... Ok, whatever, I don't care, this conversation is over... Goodbye! [to friend] Can you believe this shit?.... Lucky for her she lets me fuck her in the ass.
--46th & Madison Ave.
Overheard by: Douglas Quade
Can't They Put Some Pasties on Those Protruding Hipbones?
Guy #1: Man, there are so many hipsters around. I hate hipsters!
Guy #2: You're at the wrong place. That's like going to Vegas only to say "I hate titties!"
--The Warsaw, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Thiess
MySpace Girl's Fave Spot: Madison Square Garden
Chick #1: What do you want to do now?
Chick #2: I don't know.
Chick #1: Well, why don't we go to Webster Hall?
Chick #2: Where?
Chick #1: Webster Hall... I was talking to this girl on MySpace and she said that Webster Hall is this upscale lounge.
Chick #2: I could do with an upscale lounge.
Chick #1: I agree, I'm sick of these loud-ass clubs and shit.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Shen
Why You Should Never End a Date with a Proposition
Ghetto girl #1: He was like, 'I wanna see yo shirt on my bedroom floor' and I was like, 'Is this a proposition?' and he was like, 'What proposition?' and I was like, 'Where's my ring?' and he was like, 'Yo, bitch, I didn't steal any ring!' And then he just left.
Ghetto girl #2: I'm gonna say this cause you're my friend: You're soooo ghetto.
--Port Authority
The Shit Is Two Dollars
Drunk woman: Yeah, yeah, the tall one!
Bodega clerk: So you want the dollar beer?
Drunk woman: Yeah... but it better not be any of that cheap shit!
--Nostrand & Lafayette, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: arnheim Lieber
I Guess He Never Called
Teen girl #1: The only time I ever gave head I was really drunk. I just remember when he started cumming, I jumped up and screamed "Ew, gross!"
Teen girl #2: Ha, ha, ha. Who was it?
Teen girl #1: Well, that's why I think third base is disgusting. I just skip over it.
Teen girl #2: Who was it?
Teen girl #1: In conclusion, don't go to third base. Ever.
Teen girl #2: Alright.
--MoMA
Can You Explain It to Me Using a Baseball Metaphor?
Chick #1: Ugh, he totally meatballed me.
Chick #2: I hate that.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Mahlo Hawn
Oh No She Didn't
Guy #1: Is that the last Harry Potter?
Girl with book: No, there's one more after this.
Guy #1: What? How old is he? Isn't he getting a little old to be in school?
Guy #2: He's special, that's why he goes to magic school.
Girl with book: Yeah, Harry rides the short train to school.
--Newark airport
Overheard by: Jujubee
That Guy Is Such a Riot
Guy #1: Jackhammering is when you're banging her head against the wall repeatedly while plowing her.
Guy #2: No, that's a battering-ram.
Guy #1: Well, I prefer Rodney King style, beating her senseless while taking care of business.
Guy #2: Could you say that louder? One cook back there didn't hear you.
--Margaritaville, Grand Central
Overheard by: Lizzerd
That's Why They Call It a . . . Never Mind
Chick #1: Ahh! Why am I, like, sweating?
Chick #2: What is your shirt made of, cotton?
Chick #1: Well, it's from Forever 21, so it's probably dead Chinese children.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Magnolia Thunderpussy
It's Because FTL Killed 40% of His Brain Cells
Guy #1: The horse?
Guy #2: SJP.
Guy #1: S...J...
Guy #2: Oh, for God's sake: Sarah Jessica Parker! Don't be so innuendo-challenged; nobody will invite you anywhere!
--Bedford & Clymer, Williamsburg
Maybe He Already Packed It
Man on bike: I seem [pause] to have misplaced [pause] my fudge.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Lane & Oliver
Bad Habit
Nun: Can you spare some change for St. Patrick's Orphanage?
Asian girl #1: Sorry
Asian girl #2: Sorry
Nun: Damned chinks are all the same.
--American Burger, 32nd & 6th
Overheard by: Alex Gray
Maybe She Just Smoked Too Much
Teen girl #1: Here comes Peter Cottontail. . .
Teen girl #2: Hopping up the bunny trail!
Teen girl #1: What the hell? It's down the bunny trail, you idiot!
Teen girl #2: How am I supposed to know? I was MJ'ed when I was younger.
Teen girl #1: MJ'ed?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, you know, Michael Jacksoned...
Teen girl #1: They molested you?!
Teen girl #2: Yes, they molested me and that's why I don't know the words to Peter Cottontail... whorebag.
--M96 bus
Overheard by: TrEeShA
Longest Ticket Line Since Alien
Two tourists spot the people camped out in front of the Mexican Consulate.
Tourist #1: Are all those people trying to get tickets to a concert or something?
Tourist #2: Maybe. Do you think that's Radio City?
--39th & Madison
It's Always Awkward When You're Upside Down
Girl #1: I hung out with Jeff last night, this guy I just met.
Girl #2: Yeah, did you have sex with him?
Girl #1: NOOO! I just met him, I only gave him a blow job. I know we'll run into each other again and I didn't want things to be awkward.
--6th & A
Overheard by: Kristen May Anastasia
Does Psycho Killer Start with P?
Girl: I'm thinking of an animal that starts with a P.
Guy: Porcupine?
Girl: No. Wait, are those big smears of blood all over that subway map?
Guy: I think they're paint.
Girl: They're totally blood.
Guy: [looks harder] Yeah, you're totally right... Penguin?
Girl: Nope!
--1 train
Overheard by: djlindee
Bill Clinton's Stoner Days
Old man: What?
Old lady: [silence]
Old man: What?
Old lady: She said "Reefer," not "queefer"!
Old man: What's the difference?
Thug: The smell.
--3 train
Shallow Grave
Girl #1: So I think he died, right there in his place on 96th Street.
Girl #2: How do you know?
Girl #1: We were talking on the phone and then, nothing.
Girl #2: Was it hard for you?
Girl #1: Oh, I don't care.
--F train
Overheard by: NJM
I'd Have to Grab My Own Package
Lady: If the doormen went on strike, what would they do?
Guy: They would stand outside their buildings and picket.
Lady: How is that different from their job other then the fact that
they would be holding a sign?
--3rd & A
Happy Cramping!
A little boy is eating a chocolate Easter bunny.
Mom: Don't eat too much of that. You'll get diarrhea.
Little boy: But I like diarrhea.
--4 train
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
It's the Best Thing for You
Man: I need a cigarette.
Woman: You don't need them. You're gonna smoke one, get addicted, and one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna be dead.
--Scotty's Diner, Lex between 39th and 40th
Overheard by: P. Groban
Her Brother Had an Edible Complex
Girl: I'm looking for a play for school.
Bookseller: What's the name?
Girl: Antigen.
Bookseller: You mean Antigone?
Girl: What's the difference?
Bookseller: One's a play about a girl and her dead brother, and the other is a play that hasn't been written yet about carbohydrates and proteins.
Girl: Oh. The dead one, then.
--Barnes & Noble, Court St.
Bad Things Happen When You Teach Evolution
Guido #1: Tuna is not made from dolphins, bro.
Guido #2: I'm telling you, tuna fish is made from dolphins.
Guido #1: No way, bro, tuna are not dolphins!
Guido #2: Then what are they?
Guido #1: They're...chicken of the sea.
--9th St. Path Station
Overheard by: Kevin M
CNN Crawl: EU Dramatically Oversteps Its Mandate
Guy #1: The richest guy in the world is an oil tycoon from Saudi Arabia.
Guy #2: Bullshit! You're telling me the richest guy in the world is from England?
Guy #1: England?? Saudi Arabia!
Guy #2: OK, Europe. Same difference?
--34th & 8th
Must Be a Booty Call
Drunk girl #1: God, I have to take a piss. I hope this chick hurries up.
Phone rings.
Drunk girl #2: Is that your phone? I love that ring. Who is it?
Drunk girl #1: It's Richard. Who the fuck is Richard?
Drunk girl #2: Well, answer it and find out.
Drunk girl #1: I'm not answering if I don't know who the fuck it is.
They stare at each other and think real hard.
Drunk Girl #1: OOHHH! Richard's my dad.
--Milady's, Soho
Overheard by: rhyno
I Have to Catch Mackerel North from Clam Central Station
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to rush onto this train, pushing others and possibly risking a fall, an injury, or worse. This is a 6 train and at this time of day there will be another 6 train every 5 minutes, so there is no need to risk injury... There will be another 6 train coming in 5 minutes. What do you think this is, the Tunaville Trolley? This is the 6 train!
--6 train
Times Flies When Terrorists Blow Up the World Trade Center
Old mom: 9/11 was 3 years ago, wasn't it?
Aging daughter: No, 9/11 happened 5 years ago.
Old mom: Really?
Aging daughter: Yeah... but I wish it was 3 years ago, 'cause that would mean I'd be younger.
--E train
Overheard by: Sierra Smith
Duh, Kennedy's Buried Under the Kennedy Center
Guido: Hey you talk to me like that again, and I'll talk to my people, who'll talk to your people. And I'll have you buried under Yankee Stadium with JFK.
Other guy: Don't you mean under Giants Stadium with Jimmy Hoffa?
Guido: Whatever!
--Madison Square Garden
It's Impossible to Know Both the Position and the Velocity of Caesar Dressing
Old woman: I bought this Caesar salad, but I don't know where to get the dressing. Please, can you tell me where I can get some dressing?
Cute girl: Ummm, I don't know. I've never had a salad here before.
Old woman: But where do you think the dressing could be?
Cute girl: Well, possibly in the refrigerator over there... where they keep the drinks?
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cute girl: Well, that's my hypothesis, but it hasn't been tested.
--Le Pain Quotidien, 58th & 7th
I'm So Fast, They Call Me the Chrysler Building
Two male twins, dressed alike, in their 20s, address two female twins, dressed alike, in their 20s.
Male twins: Hey! Are you twins?! You twins?! That's great! We're twins too! Hey, we're twins too!
Female twins: Mmmhmm.
Male twins: You ain't twins! You lesbians! She look like she wanna get it on with you! You ain't twins! Hey, I'm just tryin' 'a help ya out! You ain't twins.
Female twins: [silence]
Male twins: I'm just tryin' a help you out! I have your best interest in mind! You ain't twins! Look! That one's that one's mother!
Female twins: We're twins. We are the same age.
Male twins: Then how come that one so much older than the other? You ain't twins! We twins! That's why we so tall! We the twin towers!
Female twins flee train.
--F train
So Did It Work?
Old man: [hiccups]
Old lady: I'll kill you, dead!
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Raychel Tumin
The First Rule of Eagle Scouts:
Suit on cell: Yo man, it's Wednesday, are you ready to go get drunk and nail some bitches?... Hold on... What the fuck? I'm just in a manic rage and I want to destroy everything. What's so wrong with that, Dad?
--13th between 3rd & 4th
It's Like You Don't Even Know Me
Tourist #1: I recognize that accent! Where are you from?
Tourist #2: Tennessee.
Tourist #1: Really? I'm from North Carolina!
Tourist #2: Where's that?
Tourist #1: Right next to Tennessee.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Victoria Spring
They're Not Horns -- They're Just Really Big Ears
Little girl, pointing: Jewish people!!
Mom: Shhh.
--F train
But Dating a Gemini Doubles Your Chances
Guy #1: The thing is, dating gets so much harder as we get older.
Guy #2: Yeah, especially if you're intelligent.
Guy #1: It's not like you can just look at a woman and tell if she's smart enough to date.
Guy #2: True.
Guy #1: I'd never date an Aries though.
--in line at MOMA
That Dude Was So Hung Up on Rome
Girl on cell: Well you know, when in Rome. Who said that, was it Jesus? I think it was Jesus.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Nathalie
Ferlinghetti Dug Thin Mints
Hobo: ...and the cookies from the sky, you know, man? All them cookies from the sky, like fuckin' meteors!
Tourist girl: Look, Mom, it's a Beat poet!
--Times Square
This Conversation Is Going Up the Tubes
Teen boy #1: I make the best scrambled eggs!
Teen boy #2: Nah son, I make the best eggs.
Teen boy #1: Ok, but when you eat my eggs... mmm... it's like eating pussy.
Teen boy #2: Whoa! You crossed the line there.
--97th & Central Park W
Overheard by: SEK
It Depends on Whether He's Serious
Drunk queer: I'm not a fucking asshole! Just because I said I didn't like Shania Twain, I'm an asshole?!
--11th & 3rd
Warning on the Back of a Slim-Fast Can
Guy #1: You look good though, lose a little weight?
Guy #2: I know, it's great. I can't say I'm crazy about the constant nosebleeds and cravings at all hours of the day, but it's worth it anyway, my appetite's gone.
Guy #1: What?
--Q train
There Are Two Kinds of People. . .
Guy: Have you ever been to D.C. before?
Girl: Yeah I used to go there and go to museums all the time for spring break because I'm not a, you know, go-to-Mexico-and-get-date-raped kind of person.
--119th & 2nd
Overheard by: epsd101
As Long as They're Fresh
Guy: The Bodies thing? Don't they have dead babies there?
Girl: Hey, dead babies are the best type of babies.
--Diner at 38th & 5th
Overheard by: Jdub
Legal in Utah and West Hartford
Blonde on cell: Sometimes I wish I was a Mexican. Like, a Mexican boy. Life would be so much easier. [pause] You know, because they always have a lot of roommates. Like, 15 Mexican boys live together.
--Metro-North from Grand Central to New Haven
Try the Toaster
Guy to girl: So, that's why you broke up? I don't blame you -- you gotta microwave them first, otherwise they're too spongey.
--Central Park
Overheard by: newyorkette
The Manatees Are On Strike
Tourist chick: Do these trains go under water?
Guy: We're under water right now.
Tourist chick: Are there sharks?
--2 train
Overheard by: Elaine Chernov
This Bitch Is Gonna Occupy Rhineland
Crazy guy: Ain't you people heard of the Treaty of Versailles? I gots mothafuckin' rights, mothafuckas!
NYU tour guide: Washington Square Park is the vibrant center of campus...
Crazy guy: Rights! You can't just be dropping mustard gas on me, like that mothafucka from Tennessee be doin'. The Treaty of Versailles says I got rights!
Tour mom: Oh my god! They have mustard gas here now? I told you this city wasn't safe.
Crazy guy: This bitch understands that I got rights!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Laura Mathis
Isn't It a Natural Lubricant?
Girl: He had so much damn earwax!
Guy: Girl, I know... Sleeping with boys like that is just so awkward.
--The Hudson Hotel
A Woman's Right to Choose Wednesday One-liners
Workout chick: Don't worry, your standards are just off because you dated a fetus. Want some ice cream?
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-liners Are All About Location
Mom: Don't think of it as losing a friend...but as gaining a holiday destination.
--A train
Overheard by: Clacky
Wednesday One-liner on Biotech Outsourcing
Dude: biotch. Spelled b-y-o-c . . . some shit like that. It's Chinese.
--116 & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners Should Take an Anatomy Class
Guy: And as I walked out the door I said to her, "One last thing - if your pussy is so good, why don't you eat it yourself?"
--33rd & Park
Wednesday One-liner to Win Any Argument
Guy on cell: Uh huh, and that's why you have herpes, dude.
--Outside Gonzalez y Gonzalez
Overheard by: Jaina Wald
Wednesday One-liners Already Miss QAF
Queer: This place is way gayer than last time.
--XL, West 16th street
Overheard by: straight girl
Wednesday One-liners for That Slither Lady
Dude: I've fired 3 people in the last 2 weeks. One girl was fat. But she didn't know it. She would come into work with her belly falling out of her shirt. I just couldn't take it anymore.
--NYSC, 38th & Broadway
Overheard by: Aimee
Wednesday One-liners is Fundamental
Man: With this many books you are almost certain to make a mistake in your choice.
--The Strand
Overheard by: Jill A.
Wednesday One-liners, Chronic Matriculators
Guy: Ooh, actuarial, eh? That's like birds, right?
--Silver Center, Washington Square East
Overheard by: Chirag Shah
The Wednesday One-liners Party
Woman: I'm never going to be in the "in crowd" because the "in crowd" are all molecular biologists and have labs.
--F train
Overheard by: Eric Wrenn
Wednesday One-liners for the Old
Girl: I think it's "Alzheimer's"; they're old but it's not "Oldsheimer's".
--57th and 3rd
Wednesday One-liners for the Young
Teacher lady: Kids, kids...Quiet! Remember, no one else on this train likes children!
--F train
Overheard by: Erin Schulte
We Come Full Circle
Girl #1: Oh my god! I just heard that Katie Holmes had her baby! Katie Holmes had her baby, everyone!
Girl #2: Xenu commands you to shut the fuck up while I'm on the phone with my dealer.
--6th Avenue & West 4th Street
Overheard by: Robin M.
(cf. When we broke this story.)
Tell That to Oklahoma City
Ghetto guy #1: Yo, you think that bitch is gonna blow up the train?
Ghetto guy #2: Nah, negro, she's white.
--A train
Week Old Navy?
Black girl #1: Yo, she's not fly! That girl is fresh. Always buying stuff at Old Navy and wearing it the next day.
Black girl #2: Yeah, when I buy clothes, I let them sit in the closet for a week, until I feel like wearing them.
--R train
Do You Want to Put Me Out of Business?
Guy on cell: Yeah, I was there until 1:30. They loved me.
Woman: Well, we don't! You talk too loud.
--M42 bus
Typical Taxpayer Mentality
Yuppie lady: Excuse me! I've been calling for someone and waiting in aisle 2 for ten minutes, and no one came! This is ridiculous! You people are incompetent! You have things stacked so they fall! Look at my pants!
Black woman: ...So why are you telling me?
Yuppie lady: Because you work here!
Black woman: No, lady...I don't.
--Gristedes, West 64th Street
Overheard by: vegannramember
If Your Finances Are in the Black
Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You're not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It's not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I'm a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?
--1 train
Iran Looks Promising for Us
Salesguy #1: If you could take over any country which one would you pick?
Salesguy #2: What do you mean, "take over"?
Salesguy #1: You know, weapons, resources, control the army, stuff like that.
Salesguy #2: That's a hard question. I mean, I'm not that well traveled. People are so different in every country, different cultures.
Salesguy #1: Well, what if you could spend a year there, get to know the place?
--Bloomingdale's, 59th & 3rd
Overheard by: Doug Tebay
Always Whining About Their Eggs
Guy #1: I stayed the night at her place and woke early. She was still asleep.
Guy #2: What did you do?
Guy #1: I got up and was going to make myself breakfast. But when I cracked the egg open it got away from me.
Guy #2: Where did it go?
Guy #1: It slid down a crack between the counter and the stove.
Guy #2: What did you do?
Guy #1: I put everything away and climbed back into bed.
Guy #2: You know that shit is going to stink!
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm sure it will.
--97th & Broadway
She Used It to Buy a Clue
Lady: Naw. This quarter say Pennsylvania on the back.
McChick: Yes, ma'am. It's a commemorative quarter.
Lady: Yeah. But it say Pennsylvania. See?
McChick: Yes. Those are the new quarters.
Lady: All right. But if I find out I can't spend this, I'm bringin' it back in here.
--McDonalds, 23rd & Madison
Overheard by: Will McLaughlin
She Must Work in Tuitions
Chick: Yeah, our RA put up this poster listing these words we're not
supposed to say because they're offensive.
Guy: What can't you say?
Chick: "Bitch", "retarded", "gay", "fag", "slut", and "gypped".
Guy: "Gypped"? Why "gypped"?
Chick: I dunno, it's offensive to gypsies or something.
Guy: Do gypsies even go to NYU, let alone college?
Chick: Maybe she's from Romania and shit.
--Hayden Hall Residence, Washington Square West
Overheard by: Glynnis O
We'll Get Together Then, Son
Dad: I may not be able to drive you to the sleepover at Joey's father's house on Friday. It's in the opposite direction and there won't be time. What we maybe can do is drop you off there Saturday morning. And we can have pizza ourselves, Friday night, instead. Would that work?
Little boy: It's a distinct possibility...
--R train
I Would Have Waited All Day
Little boy: Mom, is South America a continent?
Mom: Well, it's...there's North America and South America.
Little boy: Yeah, is South America a continent?
Mom: Uh, no. No, it's not a continent, it's...Um...
--St. Marks Place
That Depends on Phase Three
Girl: Wow! Did you see the rack on her?
Guy: Where?
Girl: Over there...
Guy: Man! You're not kidding!
Girl: See what I do for you? Who's the best girlfriend ever?
--Rockefeller Center
Even the Womb Doesn't Want to Help Them
Cashier guy: Would you like to donate a dollar to the March of Dimes?
Girl: Uh, no thank you.
Cashier guy: Aw, poor preemies.
--K-mart, East 8th Street
Chunky Chips Ahoy!
Teen boy #1: Fuck, these fucking Fig Newtons taste like shit. And what the fuck is a fig, anyway?
Teen boy #2: I don't know, but whatever the fuck it is, it looks like you're eating a shit cookie.
--51st between 9th & 10th
What a Jerk
Guy #1: I love her so much...I won't even jack off to her.
Guy #2: I guess I don't love her as much as you do.
--Broadway & Thames
So Very Many Roommates...
Hobo: Got a cigarette you can spare?...Give me a cigarette!
Girl #1: Hey, fuck you.
Hobo: Yeah, fuck you too!
Girl #2: At least we have a home!
Hobo: Yeah, I got a home too. In your mother's cunt, bitch!
--Broadway & Bleecker
Overheard by: Solanum
He Should've Joined the Army
Guy #1: Don't throw away that Gatorade bottle! I gotta do something.
Guy #2: ...Right now?
Guy #1: Yeah!
Guy #2: There's a pizza place right there!
Guy #1: They won't let me use theirs! Don't you throw that bottle away!
--25th & 2nd
She Couldn't "Deploy the Troops"
Hipster chick #1: Did you get to use the bathroom?
Hipster chick #2: No! They said it was for patrons only.
Hipster chick #3: What's a patron?
Hipster chick #2: I dunno. I think it has something to do with being in the army.
--45th & Broadway
How Were Your Holidays, New York?
Guy on cell: Yeah, is it Mother's Day or something?...Oh, I think it's either Mother's Day or my mom's birthday, and I wasn't sure which...Are you sure it's not Mother's Day? Because there's a lot of people walking around Penn Station carrying flowers.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: LiAps
Guy: I'm gonna go over to D'Ag and get some groceries.
Girl: I think it's closed.
Guy: Ugh! I forgot the whole world is in church today.
Girl: Shut up, you Jew.
--Greenwich Hotel elevator, Greenwich Street
Overheard by: Jen C.
Chick on cell: You ate pizza on the first fucking night of Passover? Jesus Christ, you're a bad Jew!
--Marcy Avenue station
Overheard by: katie, a princess
Mom: I am so thirsty, I really would like a Coke. Only two more days 'til I can get one. Do you think this is how Jesus felt when he was in the desert for 40 days?
--Union Square Regal Cinemas
Overheard by: Audrey
Girl on cell: I must've gained, like, 10 pounds after the two Passover seders I went to...and I still have Easter dinner to worry about!...What? No, I'm not having a religious identity crisis!
--14th & University
Overheard by: Amelia D
Girl: So what's with the 40 days of Lent thing?
Guy: Jesus walked the Earth for 40 days after resurrection.
Girl: Oh! So he was like a zombie! That's so cool!
--118th & Broadway
Overheard by: a catholic
Chick on cell: Dude, let's go to church before we get fucked up. It's fuckin' Easter, you know!
--Fulton & Nassau
Mom: But it's Easter!
Chick: I'm not religious.
Mom: Yes, you are.
Chick: Plus, I've already been to two seders this week: one on Wednesday and one on Thursday. We made latkes, they were really good!
Mom: Yeah, and you also made those potato pancake things.
--Paprika, St. Marks Place
Overheard by: lish
Manager lady on phone: Hi, there.... Oh, I'm just sitting at my desk eating matzoh and turkey, and I'm just bitter. Just very, very bitter. What a stupid holiday! Anyway, how are you?
--Office, 37th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jillynyc
Girl on cell: C-Town doesn't sell matzoh, I guarantee it. Just fucking rice and beans everywhere...What? You're not eating bread for the whole week?...Didn't you just tell me you made a ham?...Oh my god, your mother would fucking have a heart attack.
--Metro-North train
And Even Then, The Men Came First
Guy: There is this guy who says that men and women are from different planets.
Girl: Oh, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. It's just a metaphor.
Guy: Oh, right. They came on meteors.
--L train
Overheard by: Jason D. Schwartz
Her Teeth Were All Fucked
Bus driver: Take it to the end of the bus.
Dude: What?
Bus driver: Take it to the end of the bus. I don't want to listen to you cursing.
Dude: What the fuck? I am not talking to you.
Bus driver: I don't talk like that.
Dude: You look like you talk like that!
--Q23 bus
The Story Wasn't That Funny
Teen girl #1: Do you ever have to fart really badly in class?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, like today. I ate a PowerBar and I've had to shit like crazy so I keep farting.
Teen girl #1: But you can't do it in class 'cause then it smells and people know it's you.
Teen girl #2: You can stick dryer sheets in your pants and then it doesn't smell as much.
Teen girl #3: But how do you keep them in there?
Teen girl #2: Well, if your pants are tight enough, where they gonna go?
Teen girl #1: Or sometimes you can ask to go to the bathroom and when you stand up your ass cheeks squeeze together and you can't fart.
Teen girl #2: But in the two seconds before you're standing you can't control it, then you fart.
Teen girl #1: Damn it, I have to take a shit.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
His Bowels Found It Moving
Guy #1: Dude, I just shit in my pants.
Guy #2: My story wasn't that funny.
Guy #1: No, I really took a shit in my pants.
--N train
Only an Idiot Expects a Shih Tzu Headline
Guy #1: Man, what kind of dog is that?
Guy #2: I don't know, but it shits a lot.
--125th & Broadway
Overheard by: LoJo
The Way We Were II: Mistier Memories
Teen girl #1: Do you remember that show you went to?
Teen girl #2: What show?
Teen girl #1: The show at Christmas time?
Teen girl #2: Oh, the one with the Rockettes? Yeah.
Teen girl #1: Yeah...
Teen girl #2: What about it? Is that all you gonna say?
Teen girl #1: Yeah.
--A train
Overheard by: Denise
Must Be an Existentialist
Guy #1: Man, what's wrong with your eye? It's all red.
Guy #2: Nah, man, I'm just tired, that's all.
Guy #1: You're tired in one eye?
--116th & Lexington
Overheard by: Sam J. Miller
The Third Locksmith Finally Explained
Girl #1: Oh no, he didn't! He just texted me in caps!
Girl #2: Oh whatever, remember when you you used to caps everyone?
Girl #1: That was before I knew how to change out of caps lock.
--86th & 2nd
Nah, Satan's Cell Phones Are Rotary
Girl #1: So, he sells cell phones, but he makes like four hundred thousand a year! And he has this gorgeous wife and this gorgeous kid, and he smokes pot all the time and it never affects him...He is just amazing...It doesn't make sense.
Girl #2: Is he Satan?
--Coral Towers Residence elevator, 3rd Avenue
Pimps Up, Hobos Down
Hobo #1: Hey man, pull yourself together. Get up, bro. Get up. I want to sit down, bro. Get up. Some people want a seat.
Hobo #2: You're a slut.
Hobo #1: Yeah I'm a slut, but you a ho.
Hobo #2: I'm a ho because of sluts like you.
Hobo #1: Look, man, look at the clock. It's 8:21, bro. If I catch you lying down on my train again before 12 o'clock, I'm going to kick your ass. You called me a slut, I'll kick your ass. Now you know.
--L train
Overheard by: V
Pets Are for the Petty
Guy #1: Hey, watch it! Jerk!
Guy #2: Get a bigger dog, asshole!
Guy #1: Be a smaller person!
--Bleecker & Perry
Overheard by: Zell
God Help Us All (Happy Easter!)
Old man #1: Do you know why a bunny is connected to Easter?
Old man #2: No.
Old man #1: It's because Easter is about fertility and rabbits are animals that are always copulating.
Old man #2: Huh, I never heard about that.
Old man #1: Think about it. On Easter, you have the bunnies and the bunnies have eggs and the eggs have children in them.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda Matteis
The One Who Doesn't Know Her Place
Little girl: Do you have HBO DIRECTV?
Little boy: I don't know.
Little girl: If you have HBO, you do. My favorite movie is on there: Titanic. It's about a girl who loves a boy and they're all frozen at the end.
Little boy: Who gets slapped?
--F train
Overheard by: stephanie k
I Like When She Eats the Carrion
Teen girl #1: Bitches be dissin' on Disney Channel.
Teen girl #2: Yeah.
Teen girl #1: But you know them bitches be runnin' home to watch That's So Raven.
Teen girl #2: It's 7:15.
Teen girl #1: Shit, we gonna miss it.
--4 train
Overheard by: Noah Gallagher
It's Yes When Dad Remembers Visitation
Little boy #1: Do you live on the Upper West Side?
Little boy #2: Well, technically yes and technically no.
Little boy #1: Okay, see you tomorrow.
--85th & Amsterdam
Also Thinks the UN Runs IHOP
Ghetto girl #1: I had like four pancakes this mornin'.
Ghetto girl #2: You mean like those little bagels?
--34th & Broadway
Overheard by: Brian Hamill
Guys Always Get to Pee Faster
Teen girl: My Facebook password is "pee".
Teen guy: "P"?
Teen girl: No, "pee". P-e-e. Like, to take a pee. I just couldn't think of anything. It used to be "poo". Whatever, it'll probably get hacked by some stalker anyway.
Teen guy: Who would hack your profile?
Teen girl: My brother did it before. He guessed the password in like three minutes.
--Hayden Hall Residence elevator, Washington Square West
Looks Like Mean People Do Suck
Guy: Are you going to the gym after this?
Girl: Are you going to the mean house?
Guy: That was, without a doubt, the lamest comeback I have ever heard in my life.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jessica R
She Already Got Downy
Woman #1: So I fucked this guy last night.
Woman #2: Really? Cool.
Woman #1: Yeah, it was kinda hard trying to get the cum out of my work clothes...
Woman #2: Mm-hmm, I heard that vinegar and Tide can get that right out.
--B68 bus
Overheard by: Trevlond
She'll Just Be Crazy Again in 15 Minutes
Crazy woman: What? Yes, send me the numbers, I'll help you with the numbers.
Med chick: Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
Crazy woman: You dont have to be sorry, but if you want to make it up to me, make me some General Tso chicken and a pu pu platter...Why didn't you call me? By the way, who the fuck is Milstein?
--Milstein Hospital, Fort Washington Avenue
That's Common Decency
Bus driver: Ma'am, you're going to have to move your bags. It's just common courtesy.
Old lady: Well, what about the wheelchairs who don't pay?
--M96 bus
Overheard by: Tommy
They Come in Other Flavors, You Know
Dude #1: It's not that I have a moral objection to the death penalty. I just don't think it should be the government making the decision.
Dude #2: Would you prefer an angry mob?
--122nd & Amsterdam
That's What Got Him There in the First Place
Wheelchair guy: Hey, let me see that football.
Dude: No, sorry.
Wheelchair guy: What, are you afraid I'm going to run away with it?
--125th & Lexington
Overheard by: brian corcoran
It's Like Being in a Totally New State
Man #1: She fucks like a Puerto Rican
Man #2: Have you ever fucked a Puerto Rican?
Man #1: No. But I've imagined it.
--Fort Greene
The Junior Senator Campaigns
Little boy: Huge ass.
Woman: What?
Little boy: Huge ass!
--79th Street 1 station
Is That New York or Jerusalem Time?
Lady #1: So she telling me that every year on Good Friday, at the time he passed away, 3 o'clock, it gets dark.
Lady #2: That's deep.
--Elevator, 42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex Gordon
Correct Answer: Sommelier
Crazy lady: Does anyone know how to get to the fucking G train? I need to get to a fucking job interview at 6!
Man #1: I swear it's really not like this all the time.
Woman: What kind of job is she going for?
Man #2: I hope it's not customer service.
Man #3: Hey baby, just follow me. I'm getting on the G right now.
Crazy lady: Go suck a dead dog's dick.
Man #3: So what's that taste like?
Crazy lady: A dead dog's dick.
--4 train
He's Still Bummed Because of It
Hobo: If anyone messes with you in the office, just take the palm of your hand an shove it into his nose. Once he messes with you he ain't Jerry from accounting no more; he's an assailant and the rest of the office will respect and fear you.
Woman: How did your last office job work out?
--L train
Overheard by: JDS
Humor is More Up Islam's Alley
Girl #1: Oh shit, a Jesus Bus!
Girl #2: They must be kidding...Oh my god, look at them, they really
aren't kidding.
Girl #3: Christ in hell, I thought people just drove those things around to be funny.
--14th & 2nd
Ah, the Reverse Donkey Punch
Man #1: It was kind of weird, she was going down on me and then...Well...She stuck her finger in my butt.
Man #2: You're kidding me! I didn't realize that Beth was like that.
Man #3: So what did you do?
Man #1: What could I have done? It kinda weirded me out.
Man #3: Man, if my girl ever did that, I think I'd punch her in the face.
--Penn Station
His Text Messaging is Quite Primitive
Girl: Omigod! I saw you on the internet!
Hobo: You're like the hundredth person to tell me that tonight.
--Central Park
(cf. this entry.)
When Cliches Backfire
Black man: Why'd you do that? Throwing that money at me. You're stupid. Here, give it to me...You're stupid. Why did you throw the money at me?
Cashier guy: I set it down! I didn't throw it.
Black man: You're stupid!
Manager guy: Why do you have to make it personal?
Black man: Mind your own business.
--Citgo, Long Island City
It's a Pit, But With a Killer Vibe
Tour chick: Have you been to Ground Zero yet?
Teen girl: You mean the club?
--8th & Broadway
It's Like a Library for Drunks
Little boy: Mommy, you should try Black Swan.
Mom: Why don't you be quiet for a little bit?
--PJ Liquor Warehouse, 207th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andy Hobin
Or His Brides, At Least
Mom: Baby, now if you don't put your coat on, I'm gonna spank you.
Little girl: No! I will tell Daddy and he will spank you.
Mom: No, baby, he will not. Nobody spanks me but Jesus.
--M101 bus
Overheard by: Lucy Sorensen
They: No, we weren't.
Chick: Why you looking at her? Who is she?
Guy: I don't know, but she's sexy as hell.
Chick: Nigga please. She ain't all that. What she got that I don't got?
Guy: A pretty face, a nice ass, big tits, a banging body...Need I say more?
--Downtown Brooklyn
Overheard by: The girl they were talking about
She's Game&Watchinese
Guy: But you're my Asian...
Girl: I don't know. You haven't been feeding me lately.
Guy: You're not a Tamagatchi!
Girl: Maybe I am.
--Tisch School of the Arts, Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Dan O'Connor