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May 2006 Archives
Wednesday One-liners Should Stay on the Bus
Woman looking at statue: Did Columbus even make it to Manhattan?
--Columbus Circle
Tourist guy: Lots of people, smells really bad... It's just like I always imagined.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Lauren
Wednesday One-liners, Altered States
Queer to hippie chick: I read what you wrote, and it totally made me want to do mushrooms with you.
--T Salon Emporium, 20th & Broadway
Girl: I wish I could bleach my brain.
--F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Wednesday One-Liners, the City and the Country
Woman: I find the suburbs to be extremely frightening. I know they all have air conditioning, but still...
--6 train
Twentysomething guy: The quality of life here is so bad...I mean, if you enjoy drinking all night and having random sex, you'll like living in New York.
--5th Ave & 9th St
Wednesday One-liners, Baby Chic
Casting person: Ok, here's the problem, they don't wan't a baby with a huge head compared to his chest, nor do they want to see gross veins all over its chest. They want the fucking Gerber baby, ok?
--38th between 7th & 8th
Friend to new mother with infant: All babies look great in black. Did you know that?
--Madison & 91st
Overheard by: Kelly Smith
Woman: Actually, now that they've started talking, the twins are much less creepy.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-liners, Summer Makeover Special
Man on cell: I love you baby, but I just can't be looking at your face everyday like that.
--Union Square
Guy to friend: She had that ugly-ass quality about her.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sarah
Wednesday One-liners May Need a Catheter
Black guy to his dad: You have to help me. My cock is turning into one of those fucking curly fries.
--71st & Continental
Woman: So I told him, if that's the urethra you got the wrong hole.
--115th & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners Pick You Up
Very old homeless woman to sleeping homeless man: You don't even know how good looking you are!
--28th & 3rd
Overheard by: juju
Little boy: I want your DNA.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: Helen V.
Good Christian Wednesday One-liners
Ghetto teen: If Jesus was with you, he'd smack you over the head and call you a dick!
--A train
Overheard by: Josh Jasper
Girl to friends: Do either of you have a really nice picture of Jesus? I need to make an ashtray.
--7th & A
Overheard by: Ty!
Wednesday One-liners Are Made to Last
Guy: I mean, why spend my money to put up bail when she's just going to wind up doing time anyway?
--B train
Overheard by: Dianora
Chick on cell: The thing is, he doesn't freeze meat. Yeah, it's an issue.
--22nd & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Wednesday One-liners Want Sexual Healing
Hipster on cell: You make me so horny I want to split a tab of xstacy and shove it up your ass.
--11th & 2nd
Guy trying to whisper to girlfriend in line: Do not make me freak you this early in the morning.
--Post office, Park Slope
Chick on cell: ...so not only am I self-medicating through random sexual encounters...
--In front of Barnes & Noble , Union Square
Overheard by: Carol
Chick to friends: He was like, "Say you love me. Say my name. Say, 'I love you John*!' And I was like, "Can we just concentrate on the task at hand, here?"
--Lafayette & Bond
Overheard by: jayloo
Wednesday One-liners Make Me Sick
Black lady: I don't eat fried food. Grease is the enemy. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wanted fried food all the time. This one day, I left work to go eat some fried fish, and I ate it. And I stayed there. And you know what happened? The grease came up and the fish stayed down.
--Precious Nails, 94th & 3rd
Suit #1 to suit #2: We can do whatever you want today. I just don't like the stuff you make me do that makes me throw up.
--AJ Maxwell's, 48th & 6th
Overheard by: their waitress
Wednesday One-Liners Say Goodbye to the Little White Men
Girl on cell: It's Fleet Week here, so I'm getting laid.
--47th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rachel
Girl to sailor: Well, without your hat you're fucking ugly!
--MacDougal & Bleeker
She Needs a Change After All the Big Black Men
Girl #1: What's with all the little white men?
Girl #2: The Navy guys?
Girl #1: White, Jesus.
Girl #2: What?
Pause
Girl #1: In those little costumes... don't you just want to jump them?
--34th & Lexington
Overheard by: love them sailors
Lion Alert Level: Yellow
Little girl, loudly: ROAR!
Little girl's dad: Leslie, stop it, you're scaring the people.
Little girl, quietly: Roar...
Little girl's dad: Very nice Les, scare them subtly.
--Payless, 225th & Broadway
Overheard by: NARS
When One Door Closes. . .
Conductor #1: Uh, Jack?
Conductor #2: Yeah Joe.
Conductor #1: We need to stop.
Conductor #2: Stop? What do you mean stop?! We're in the middle of a tunnel!
Conductor #1: A door just opened.
Conductor #2: What the.....
--N train
Overheard by: melissa
The Answer Is Shitting in the Wind
Man on a park bench #1: Betcha never seen a dandelion turn from yellow to white. Even catch one half-way in between.
Man on a park bench #2: Betcha ain't never seen no baby pigeons. Ain't noboby never seen no baby pigeons. See all them big fat ones? Where's the babies at?
--Central Park
Don't Ask What She Does for Birth Control
Really trendy girl #1: So do you want to go tanning after the gym?
Really trendy girl #2: Yeah, but I don't want to get skin cancer.
Really trendy girl #1: Yeah, me neither. That's why I wear underwear.
--42nd & Lex
Overheard by: Just wanted some starbucks
They Have to Work Harder to Screw You During the Summer
Female student: Do you guys have any empty boxes that I could possibly have?
Clerk: No, I'm sorry.
Female student: What about all of those empty boxes over there?
Clerk: We sell boxes, so we're not allowed to give out boxes for free.
Female student: Okay. How much are the boxes you're selling?
Clerk: Actually, we're sold out.
Female student: Okay, if you don't have any more boxes for sale, can I have some of those empty boxes over there?
Clerk: No.
--Columbia University Bookstore, 115th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Euphemism for "Extradited"
Teen girl #1: Is Mr. Parker* here today?
Teen girl #2: No, I think he was deported on Friday.
--Midwood High School, Brooklyn
It's Impossible to Keep Them All Straight
Girl #1: Oh my god. My boyfriend just cheated on me.
Girl #2: Holy shit! Which one?
--Olive & Bette's, W Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: striped shirt
The Next Marketing Trend: Playing Hard to Get
Orthodox woman, holding bag of almond meal: What do you mean it's not kosher?
Grocer person: Well, if it doesn't have a kosher symbol I would assume that means that it isn't kosher.
Woman: Does it have a kosher symbol?
Grocer, politely: You have the bag in your hand, miss. Does it have a kosher symbol?
Woman: No it doesn't. Why do you not carry kosher almond meal? I have been buying this for years and now you tell me it's not kosher.
Grocer: I can only guess that the reason we don't carry it is that then people like you would shop here.
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Overheard by: matthew andrew pryatel
The Whole City Is a Bit Left of Center
Tourist lady: Excuse me, is this Central Park?
New York man: Uh, yes, this is.
Tourist lady: Are you sure? It seems a little off-center to me.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Off-center Dog Walker
Her Tour Is Over When Your Twenty Runs Out
Conductor on PA: And remember, it's Fleet Week in the city and you'll be seein' lots of our service men and women in the streets. Be sure to express your appreciation and genuine gratitude for their service.
Young suit #1: For their services!
Young suit #2 Uhhhh, no; for their service. [points to scantily-clad girl with heavy makeup and fishnets] You'd thank her for her services.
--Manhattan-bound 2 train
Fleet Week, Day 7
Drunk guy #1: Man, I gotta get laid tonight.
Drunk guy #2: I'm sure there's a costume shop around here somewhere. You'd totally increase your chances if you wore a sailor outfit.
Drunk guy #1: Yeah... but I like pussy.
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Peebs
That Bipedal Bitch!
Girl #1: I just want to break her spine so that she can't walk anymore.
Girl #2: Break her spine...?
Girl #1: Because she can walk around. And that's what's pissing me off.
--4 train
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Seems Pretty Obvious
Woman: She locked me in a dog crate and poured hot wax on me.
Random passerby: What kind of sex is she having?
--Canal St
Overheard by: Casstom
Her Mane Is Obviously Fake
Dad: What are you going to name your new horse, honey?
Little girl with My Little Pony: Skankbag!
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Overheard by: Michelle
She's Only Got 2800 Night Minutes Left This Month
Drunk girl: I want to call my boyfriend so I can have sex.
Random drunk guy: Well, save yourself a call and have sex with me.
Drunk girl: That makes sense.......ok!
--10th St & 3rd Ave
He Was Always a Performer
Black street performer guy: I'm going to tell you something I've never told you before....I am your father.
Young white boy volunteer: ...mommy?
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Amanda
Maybe He's Thinking of the Times Square Arcade
Guy #1: I told you we shoulda gone to Manattan.
Guy #2: No way. I don't see movies in Manhattan.
Guy #1: Why the hell not?
Guy #2: They shoot people there. It's all silent than someone shouts something and then everyone is shooting. It's scary.
--In line at Stadium 12, Court Street, Brooklyn
Screw Ewe, Too!
Teen boy #1: ....So yeah, I was like, "fuck those sheeps, man!"
Teen boy #2: Wait, did you really say that?
Teen boy #1: Nah, I said "sheep." "Sheeps" isn't a real word.
--outside the Met
You Know, After Babe-a-Ganouj Goes Under
Dude: I'd like to invite you to take part in my new venture. I call it Kebabes.
Chick: What is it?
Dude: It's like a kebab joint but with sexy ladies.
--In line at Quo, 28th & 10th
Overheard by: Anisha & Meg
Headline by: Laura C
Runners-Up:
· But She's Already Working at Falafellatio - Momolo
· Not for Humusexuals - ndsd1
Honorable Mentions:
· Well, It's Better Than Kebabies - Matthew H
· Insert Skewer Joke Here..... - Tim White
· That's Just Falawful - Chris Cunnyngham
· Turkish Delight! - Hobo Whisperer
· They've Got Great Hummus, Too - Anonymous
· Meat Marketing? - Xana
· I Knew I Looked Succulent Today... - Sarah
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Nothing When You Have a Sony Contract
Six-year-old boy: The talent show is tomorrow.
Mother: Oh, are you doing anything?
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, 50 Cent.
Mother: Honey, that's a little inappropriate.
Six-year-old boy: What does inappropriate mean?
--2 train
Overheard by: Ana Orellano
That's Underemployment to You
Drunk dude #1: You see, the East Village is not so bad, you need to get out of the Upper East Side more often.
Drunk dude #2: Fuck you bro, the East Village smells like feet, unemployment, and Indian food.
--4th & Ave A
Overheard by: Ahmad Zubair Sahar
It's Called Jaws Unlocked
Older black gentleman in suit: Hey man, can you help me out?
Arab guy in limo smiles and says nothing.
Black man: I'm, uh, I'm lookin' for someone to go home with tonight. 'Cause I'm a gay guy, see. Well, I mean, I'm kind of a swing guy. I like to, uh... ascend to different levels.
Hipster guy walking past: What is it, like, a video game?
Black guy: Yeah! Yeah, baby, it's a video game. 'Cept when I win... I fuck you.
--44th & 6th
Overheard by: Peebs
He Gave Her Directions off the Queensborough Bridge
Tourist lady: Ahem ... excuse me sir ... em .. Could you tell us how to get to Central Park from here?
Dude: Sure, just take a left on 72nd and walk straight on.
Tourist lady to husband: See, I told you New Yorkers aren't rude if you talk to them nice.
Dude: I'm from Idaho, ma'am, I'm just here for Memorial weekend.
--Park Ave
Overheard by: Jason
She's a Vegan -- Pass the Cheesecake
Girl #1: So I was thinking about milk the other day. Milk comes from cows. And what do cows eat?
Girl #2: Other cows?
Girl #1: No, dumbass! They eat grass! So it stands to reason, when you drink milk, you're actually drinking liquified grass.
Girl #2: Ugh, gross! I'm so not drinking milk anymore.
Girl #1: Totally, that's why I drink soy.
--Veniero's, 11th St & 1st Ave
Just Get Him Sauced and Toss Him in the Broiler
Obnoxious white lawyer to his China doll date: We'll have unaju. I think unaju is eel from the sea, and unaji is eel from a river.
Obnoxious white laywer to the Japanese sushi chef: We'll have unaju. Is it true that unaju is eel from the sea, and unaji is eel from a river?
Japanese sushi chef nods politely.
Obnoxious white lawyer to his China doll date: Did you hear that? Unaju is eel from the sea, and unaji is eel from a river.
--Shimizu, W 51st & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Asian American couple who had to deal with this all night long
She Either Wants a Gangsta or a Chicken Sandwich
Grandma to crying 5-year-old: Get a job if you want it that badly! Get a damn job! If you were in Russia, you'd be working. If you were in China, you'd be out working in the rice paddies. Goddamn. I'm gonna put you in a sweatshop. This is Grandma's weekend to find a man. Gonna go up to the Bronx. Gonna hit the BX and find a BK.
--Tompkins Square Park
That's Why Kofi Annan Ordered that Rug
Girl #1 It's beautiful, where was it made?
Girl #2: [checks label on sweater] Made in Indonesia.
Girl #1: Oh, well with all of the bad shit going on down there, you wanna buy as much as you can while you still can.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Is His Anatomy as Good as His Geography?
Chinese doctor: Where you from?
Nurse: Poland.
Chinese doctor: Good, you speak Czechlosvakian. I need to translate, this man is from Beirut.
--Elmhurst Hospital, Queens
Let's Get Some Ice Cream and Give Him a Call
Girl: Oh my god. Don't even mention his name to me. I hate him so much.
Guy: You mean hate him like you'd wanna set him on fire hate him?
Girl: I mean hate him like I wouldn't even shit on him if someone else set him on fire.
Guy: Uh... I believe the phrase is "I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire".
Girl: Yeah, whatever. It's all the same when you're lactose-intolerant.
--Greenwich Ave & 12th St
Overheard by: happy milk drinker
All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Puppets
Tall Asian teen: That was really funny.
Shorter white teen: Yeah, I'm sorry I keep calling you a fucking Asian.
--Coming out of Avenue Q, 45th & Broadway
They Must've Rehearsed That for Weeks
Drunk guy: Hey there! Have we met before? I'm sure we have.
Sober girl: No, we haven't.
Drunk guy: Yeah we have! Where do I know you from?
Sober girl: No where. We've never met.
Drunk guy: YES, we have! I know we have!
Sober girl: Yeah, now that you mention it. We have met.
Drunk guy: See! I told you. Where did we meet again?
Sober girl: Your dreams, drunkie.
--Sutton Place, 53rd & 2nd
It's Important to Have a Routine
Hobo, suddenly lunging at random female customer: My meat! My meat! My meat! You took my meat! I saw you! You put it in that cart! My meat!
Gristedes staff converge on the old man who is dragged away, still clinging to the woman.
Manager, shaking his head: Yesterday, and again today, Jimmy!
--Gristedes, 1st Ave between 73 & 72
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
She Only Cheated on You with Two Contractors
Wife: l'll just be two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me.
Wife: Two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me
Wife: Three minutes.
Husband: Yeah, that's what I thought.
--50th & 6th
Overheard by: Don Willmott
Good Thing His Friends Had His Back
Guy #1: Dude, he was so drunk, he was twisted. He'd had like, I don't know, 25 shots.
Guy #2: 25 shots? Of what??
Guy #1: Of vodka I guess. He was sitting in his BMW holding the wheel and falling asleep.
Guy #2: He was driving??
Guy #1: Naw... Fucker was too drunk to realize he forgot to turn the car on.
--Moeshe's Falafal, 46th & 6th
Overheard by: Waiting for Falafal
English Is Shaky, Too
Girl #1: I thought that sign said rape instead of rapaya.
Girl #2: It's papaya, moron.
Girl #1: I don't speak Spanish that well!
--32nd & 7th
The Heroic Restraint of Subway Conductors
Black lady, screaming: Hold the train, hold the train!
Conductor: Why are you screaming at me?
Black lady, stopped and staring at him: I want you to hold the door so it doesn't hit me.
Conductor: Just get on the train
Black lady: Hold the door!
Conductor: Shut up and get on the train, God I'm going to hang myself.
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