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May 2006 Archives
Wednesday One-liners Should Stay on the Bus
Woman looking at statue: Did Columbus even make it to Manhattan?
--Columbus Circle
Tourist guy: Lots of people, smells really bad... It's just like I always imagined.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Lauren
Wednesday One-liners, Altered States
Queer to hippie chick: I read what you wrote, and it totally made me want to do mushrooms with you.
--T Salon Emporium, 20th & Broadway
Girl: I wish I could bleach my brain.
--F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Wednesday One-Liners, the City and the Country
Woman: I find the suburbs to be extremely frightening. I know they all have air conditioning, but still...
--6 train
Twentysomething guy: The quality of life here is so bad...I mean, if you enjoy drinking all night and having random sex, you'll like living in New York.
--5th Ave & 9th St
Wednesday One-liners, Baby Chic
Casting person: Ok, here's the problem, they don't wan't a baby with a huge head compared to his chest, nor do they want to see gross veins all over its chest. They want the fucking Gerber baby, ok?
--38th between 7th & 8th
Friend to new mother with infant: All babies look great in black. Did you know that?
--Madison & 91st
Overheard by: Kelly Smith
Woman: Actually, now that they've started talking, the twins are much less creepy.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-liners, Summer Makeover Special
Man on cell: I love you baby, but I just can't be looking at your face everyday like that.
--Union Square
Guy to friend: She had that ugly-ass quality about her.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sarah
Wednesday One-liners May Need a Catheter
Black guy to his dad: You have to help me. My cock is turning into one of those fucking curly fries.
--71st & Continental
Woman: So I told him, if that's the urethra you got the wrong hole.
--115th & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners Pick You Up
Very old homeless woman to sleeping homeless man: You don't even know how good looking you are!
--28th & 3rd
Overheard by: juju
Little boy: I want your DNA.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: Helen V.
Good Christian Wednesday One-liners
Ghetto teen: If Jesus was with you, he'd smack you over the head and call you a dick!
--A train
Overheard by: Josh Jasper
Girl to friends: Do either of you have a really nice picture of Jesus? I need to make an ashtray.
--7th & A
Overheard by: Ty!
Wednesday One-liners Are Made to Last
Guy: I mean, why spend my money to put up bail when she's just going to wind up doing time anyway?
--B train
Overheard by: Dianora
Chick on cell: The thing is, he doesn't freeze meat. Yeah, it's an issue.
--22nd & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Wednesday One-liners Want Sexual Healing
Hipster on cell: You make me so horny I want to split a tab of xstacy and shove it up your ass.
--11th & 2nd
Guy trying to whisper to girlfriend in line: Do not make me freak you this early in the morning.
--Post office, Park Slope
Chick on cell: ...so not only am I self-medicating through random sexual encounters...
--In front of Barnes & Noble , Union Square
Overheard by: Carol
Chick to friends: He was like, "Say you love me. Say my name. Say, 'I love you John*!' And I was like, "Can we just concentrate on the task at hand, here?"
--Lafayette & Bond
Overheard by: jayloo
Wednesday One-liners Make Me Sick
Black lady: I don't eat fried food. Grease is the enemy. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wanted fried food all the time. This one day, I left work to go eat some fried fish, and I ate it. And I stayed there. And you know what happened? The grease came up and the fish stayed down.
--Precious Nails, 94th & 3rd
Suit #1 to suit #2: We can do whatever you want today. I just don't like the stuff you make me do that makes me throw up.
--AJ Maxwell's, 48th & 6th
Overheard by: their waitress
Wednesday One-Liners Say Goodbye to the Little White Men
Girl on cell: It's Fleet Week here, so I'm getting laid.
--47th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rachel
Girl to sailor: Well, without your hat you're fucking ugly!
--MacDougal & Bleeker
She Needs a Change After All the Big Black Men
Girl #1: What's with all the little white men?
Girl #2: The Navy guys?
Girl #1: White, Jesus.
Girl #2: What?
Pause
Girl #1: In those little costumes... don't you just want to jump them?
--34th & Lexington
Overheard by: love them sailors
Lion Alert Level: Yellow
Little girl, loudly: ROAR!
Little girl's dad: Leslie, stop it, you're scaring the people.
Little girl, quietly: Roar...
Little girl's dad: Very nice Les, scare them subtly.
--Payless, 225th & Broadway
Overheard by: NARS
When One Door Closes. . .
Conductor #1: Uh, Jack?
Conductor #2: Yeah Joe.
Conductor #1: We need to stop.
Conductor #2: Stop? What do you mean stop?! We're in the middle of a tunnel!
Conductor #1: A door just opened.
Conductor #2: What the.....
--N train
Overheard by: melissa
The Answer Is Shitting in the Wind
Man on a park bench #1: Betcha never seen a dandelion turn from yellow to white. Even catch one half-way in between.
Man on a park bench #2: Betcha ain't never seen no baby pigeons. Ain't noboby never seen no baby pigeons. See all them big fat ones? Where's the babies at?
--Central Park
Don't Ask What She Does for Birth Control
Really trendy girl #1: So do you want to go tanning after the gym?
Really trendy girl #2: Yeah, but I don't want to get skin cancer.
Really trendy girl #1: Yeah, me neither. That's why I wear underwear.
--42nd & Lex
Overheard by: Just wanted some starbucks
They Have to Work Harder to Screw You During the Summer
Female student: Do you guys have any empty boxes that I could possibly have?
Clerk: No, I'm sorry.
Female student: What about all of those empty boxes over there?
Clerk: We sell boxes, so we're not allowed to give out boxes for free.
Female student: Okay. How much are the boxes you're selling?
Clerk: Actually, we're sold out.
Female student: Okay, if you don't have any more boxes for sale, can I have some of those empty boxes over there?
Clerk: No.
--Columbia University Bookstore, 115th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Euphemism for "Extradited"
Teen girl #1: Is Mr. Parker* here today?
Teen girl #2: No, I think he was deported on Friday.
--Midwood High School, Brooklyn
It's Impossible to Keep Them All Straight
Girl #1: Oh my god. My boyfriend just cheated on me.
Girl #2: Holy shit! Which one?
--Olive & Bette's, W Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: striped shirt
The Next Marketing Trend: Playing Hard to Get
Orthodox woman, holding bag of almond meal: What do you mean it's not kosher?
Grocer person: Well, if it doesn't have a kosher symbol I would assume that means that it isn't kosher.
Woman: Does it have a kosher symbol?
Grocer, politely: You have the bag in your hand, miss. Does it have a kosher symbol?
Woman: No it doesn't. Why do you not carry kosher almond meal? I have been buying this for years and now you tell me it's not kosher.
Grocer: I can only guess that the reason we don't carry it is that then people like you would shop here.
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Overheard by: matthew andrew pryatel
The Whole City Is a Bit Left of Center
Tourist lady: Excuse me, is this Central Park?
New York man: Uh, yes, this is.
Tourist lady: Are you sure? It seems a little off-center to me.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Off-center Dog Walker
Her Tour Is Over When Your Twenty Runs Out
Conductor on PA: And remember, it's Fleet Week in the city and you'll be seein' lots of our service men and women in the streets. Be sure to express your appreciation and genuine gratitude for their service.
Young suit #1: For their services!
Young suit #2 Uhhhh, no; for their service. [points to scantily-clad girl with heavy makeup and fishnets] You'd thank her for her services.
--Manhattan-bound 2 train
Fleet Week, Day 7
Drunk guy #1: Man, I gotta get laid tonight.
Drunk guy #2: I'm sure there's a costume shop around here somewhere. You'd totally increase your chances if you wore a sailor outfit.
Drunk guy #1: Yeah... but I like pussy.
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Peebs
That Bipedal Bitch!
Girl #1: I just want to break her spine so that she can't walk anymore.
Girl #2: Break her spine...?
Girl #1: Because she can walk around. And that's what's pissing me off.
--4 train
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Seems Pretty Obvious
Woman: She locked me in a dog crate and poured hot wax on me.
Random passerby: What kind of sex is she having?
--Canal St
Overheard by: Casstom
Her Mane Is Obviously Fake
Dad: What are you going to name your new horse, honey?
Little girl with My Little Pony: Skankbag!
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Overheard by: Michelle
She's Only Got 2800 Night Minutes Left This Month
Drunk girl: I want to call my boyfriend so I can have sex.
Random drunk guy: Well, save yourself a call and have sex with me.
Drunk girl: That makes sense.......ok!
--10th St & 3rd Ave
He Was Always a Performer
Black street performer guy: I'm going to tell you something I've never told you before....I am your father.
Young white boy volunteer: ...mommy?
--South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Amanda
Maybe He's Thinking of the Times Square Arcade
Guy #1: I told you we shoulda gone to Manattan.
Guy #2: No way. I don't see movies in Manhattan.
Guy #1: Why the hell not?
Guy #2: They shoot people there. It's all silent than someone shouts something and then everyone is shooting. It's scary.
--In line at Stadium 12, Court Street, Brooklyn
Screw Ewe, Too!
Teen boy #1: ....So yeah, I was like, "fuck those sheeps, man!"
Teen boy #2: Wait, did you really say that?
Teen boy #1: Nah, I said "sheep." "Sheeps" isn't a real word.
--outside the Met
You Know, After Babe-a-Ganouj Goes Under
Dude: I'd like to invite you to take part in my new venture. I call it Kebabes.
Chick: What is it?
Dude: It's like a kebab joint but with sexy ladies.
--In line at Quo, 28th & 10th
Overheard by: Anisha & Meg
Headline by: Laura C
Runners-Up:
· But She's Already Working at Falafellatio - Momolo
· Not for Humusexuals - ndsd1
Honorable Mentions:
· Well, It's Better Than Kebabies - Matthew H
· Insert Skewer Joke Here..... - Tim White
· That's Just Falawful - Chris Cunnyngham
· Turkish Delight! - Hobo Whisperer
· They've Got Great Hummus, Too - Anonymous
· Meat Marketing? - Xana
· I Knew I Looked Succulent Today... - Sarah
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Nothing When You Have a Sony Contract
Six-year-old boy: The talent show is tomorrow.
Mother: Oh, are you doing anything?
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, 50 Cent.
Mother: Honey, that's a little inappropriate.
Six-year-old boy: What does inappropriate mean?
--2 train
Overheard by: Ana Orellano
That's Underemployment to You
Drunk dude #1: You see, the East Village is not so bad, you need to get out of the Upper East Side more often.
Drunk dude #2: Fuck you bro, the East Village smells like feet, unemployment, and Indian food.
--4th & Ave A
Overheard by: Ahmad Zubair Sahar
It's Called Jaws Unlocked
Older black gentleman in suit: Hey man, can you help me out?
Arab guy in limo smiles and says nothing.
Black man: I'm, uh, I'm lookin' for someone to go home with tonight. 'Cause I'm a gay guy, see. Well, I mean, I'm kind of a swing guy. I like to, uh... ascend to different levels.
Hipster guy walking past: What is it, like, a video game?
Black guy: Yeah! Yeah, baby, it's a video game. 'Cept when I win... I fuck you.
--44th & 6th
Overheard by: Peebs
He Gave Her Directions off the Queensborough Bridge
Tourist lady: Ahem ... excuse me sir ... em .. Could you tell us how to get to Central Park from here?
Dude: Sure, just take a left on 72nd and walk straight on.
Tourist lady to husband: See, I told you New Yorkers aren't rude if you talk to them nice.
Dude: I'm from Idaho, ma'am, I'm just here for Memorial weekend.
--Park Ave
Overheard by: Jason
She's a Vegan -- Pass the Cheesecake
Girl #1: So I was thinking about milk the other day. Milk comes from cows. And what do cows eat?
Girl #2: Other cows?
Girl #1: No, dumbass! They eat grass! So it stands to reason, when you drink milk, you're actually drinking liquified grass.
Girl #2: Ugh, gross! I'm so not drinking milk anymore.
Girl #1: Totally, that's why I drink soy.
--Veniero's, 11th St & 1st Ave
Just Get Him Sauced and Toss Him in the Broiler
Obnoxious white lawyer to his China doll date: We'll have unaju. I think unaju is eel from the sea, and unaji is eel from a river.
Obnoxious white laywer to the Japanese sushi chef: We'll have unaju. Is it true that unaju is eel from the sea, and unaji is eel from a river?
Japanese sushi chef nods politely.
Obnoxious white lawyer to his China doll date: Did you hear that? Unaju is eel from the sea, and unaji is eel from a river.
--Shimizu, W 51st & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Asian American couple who had to deal with this all night long
She Either Wants a Gangsta or a Chicken Sandwich
Grandma to crying 5-year-old: Get a job if you want it that badly! Get a damn job! If you were in Russia, you'd be working. If you were in China, you'd be out working in the rice paddies. Goddamn. I'm gonna put you in a sweatshop. This is Grandma's weekend to find a man. Gonna go up to the Bronx. Gonna hit the BX and find a BK.
--Tompkins Square Park
That's Why Kofi Annan Ordered that Rug
Girl #1 It's beautiful, where was it made?
Girl #2: [checks label on sweater] Made in Indonesia.
Girl #1: Oh, well with all of the bad shit going on down there, you wanna buy as much as you can while you still can.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Is His Anatomy as Good as His Geography?
Chinese doctor: Where you from?
Nurse: Poland.
Chinese doctor: Good, you speak Czechlosvakian. I need to translate, this man is from Beirut.
--Elmhurst Hospital, Queens
Let's Get Some Ice Cream and Give Him a Call
Girl: Oh my god. Don't even mention his name to me. I hate him so much.
Guy: You mean hate him like you'd wanna set him on fire hate him?
Girl: I mean hate him like I wouldn't even shit on him if someone else set him on fire.
Guy: Uh... I believe the phrase is "I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire".
Girl: Yeah, whatever. It's all the same when you're lactose-intolerant.
--Greenwich Ave & 12th St
Overheard by: happy milk drinker
All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Puppets
Tall Asian teen: That was really funny.
Shorter white teen: Yeah, I'm sorry I keep calling you a fucking Asian.
--Coming out of Avenue Q, 45th & Broadway
They Must've Rehearsed That for Weeks
Drunk guy: Hey there! Have we met before? I'm sure we have.
Sober girl: No, we haven't.
Drunk guy: Yeah we have! Where do I know you from?
Sober girl: No where. We've never met.
Drunk guy: YES, we have! I know we have!
Sober girl: Yeah, now that you mention it. We have met.
Drunk guy: See! I told you. Where did we meet again?
Sober girl: Your dreams, drunkie.
--Sutton Place, 53rd & 2nd
It's Important to Have a Routine
Hobo, suddenly lunging at random female customer: My meat! My meat! My meat! You took my meat! I saw you! You put it in that cart! My meat!
Gristedes staff converge on the old man who is dragged away, still clinging to the woman.
Manager, shaking his head: Yesterday, and again today, Jimmy!
--Gristedes, 1st Ave between 73 & 72
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
She Only Cheated on You with Two Contractors
Wife: l'll just be two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me.
Wife: Two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me
Wife: Three minutes.
Husband: Yeah, that's what I thought.
--50th & 6th
Overheard by: Don Willmott
Good Thing His Friends Had His Back
Guy #1: Dude, he was so drunk, he was twisted. He'd had like, I don't know, 25 shots.
Guy #2: 25 shots? Of what??
Guy #1: Of vodka I guess. He was sitting in his BMW holding the wheel and falling asleep.
Guy #2: He was driving??
Guy #1: Naw... Fucker was too drunk to realize he forgot to turn the car on.
--Moeshe's Falafal, 46th & 6th
Overheard by: Waiting for Falafal
English Is Shaky, Too
Girl #1: I thought that sign said rape instead of rapaya.
Girl #2: It's papaya, moron.
Girl #1: I don't speak Spanish that well!
--32nd & 7th
The Heroic Restraint of Subway Conductors
Black lady, screaming: Hold the train, hold the train!
Conductor: Why are you screaming at me?
Black lady, stopped and staring at him: I want you to hold the door so it doesn't hit me.
Conductor: Just get on the train
Black lady: Hold the door!
Conductor: Shut up and get on the train, God I'm going to hang myself.
--A train, 59th St
She's Really Got a Handle on That Death Thing
Girl #1: The worst thing about when your favorite author dies is, you're never going to get any new books from them.
Girl #2: Yeah!
--Strand, 12th & Broadway
Method Acting for Lost Audition
Teen on cell: So how do I get to your office? Wait, which way is east? Towards the river? What river? I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF TIMES SQUARE, I DON'T SEE A FUCKIN RIVER! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ASK SOMEONE WHERE THE FUCKING RIVER IS? MANHATTAN'S AN ISLAND, THERE'S RIVER ALL OVER THE PLACE!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Korean Is Halfway in Between
Hipster girl #1: Oooh. She's all Chinese and thinks she's cute. I hate her.
Hipster girl #2: Actually, she's Japanese. I'm pretty sure there's a difference.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, the price of the food.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Amber Lowery
Must Be Last Comic Standing Season
Guy #1: Hey. Is it hailing out?
Guy #2: Hail yeah!
Silence for a few seconds.
Guy #2: I said...
Guy #1: I heard you. Shut up.
--Joe's Pizza, Carmine & 6th Ave
Overheard by: james clunie
She Can't See Because of Her Hood
Girl on cell: I'm on 42nd, where are you? Yeah, the place is on 46th. Where are you again? No, I will not walk down to 33rd just to meet your cunty face and walk with you to 46th...meet me here. Just go straight! You're not blind, you fucking liar...oh, Christ, there is no such thing as stress blindness...I hope you get hit by a car.
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: Ria Vergara
New Ways to Get Out of Sex
Girl #1: But I wasn't laughing at him, I was laughing at his little white penis in a black condom.
Girl #2: Yeah. Chris's penis is crooked, and I told him he could never wear one of those yellow banana-flavored condoms, because I might forget I was blowing him and think I was eating a banana.
Girl #1: You're an idiot.
--2nd Ave & 10th Street
Overheard by: Alia Lesoix
For a Second, That Story Was Actually Interesting
Suburbanite guy: I was in this relationship for, like, eight months. We were in the same, like, mental place, y'know, like we were both so gay, like "Oh, I love you, I love you."
Suburbanite chick: Wait, gay?
Suburbanite guy: Y'know, like, corny.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: Pitr
That's What You Think
Woman #1: I am so tired!
Woman #2: You don't look tired!
Man: Oh, you haven't seen her naked!
--Eugene O'Neill Theatre
Overheard by: Alex Barragan
Then You Might Actually Stay Upright
Girl in bathroom: Well, my friends live out here, but I'm from Manhattan, so I asked them what I should wear and they said this place was really casual. So I asked if I could at least wear heels..and they said no...but I can't drink in sneakers!
--Astoria Beer Garden
Overheard by: melissa
Weigh Two Long
Scrabble girl: "Gooeesay" is so not a word.
Scrabble guy: That's "guise."
Scrabble girl: Ha! Well, smart guy, you spelled it wrong. "Guys" is spelled G-U-Y-S.
Scrabble guy: Are you serious?
Scrabble girl: Sorry, there's no way I'm letting you get away with that after you wouldn't give me any points for "Steve."
Scrabble guy: How long have we been dating?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Uncle Joe
She's Going Out with her Flaming Friend, Foster
Woman #1: Want to come out with me and Brian tomorrow night?
Woman #2: No thanks. I have plans.
Woman #1: Well ok. I'll see you. Have fun with those warm bananas.
--F train
The Real Reason She Prefers Doggy Style
Man: Hey! I didn't expect to see you here.
Woman: Just gotta find a quick read.
Man: Wow. I didn't know hookers could read.
Woman: Yeah... I gotta do something while you fuck me.
--Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lex
Don't Get Me Started on Asian Women and Their Boxes
Guy, about to hit on girl: Hey. [looks down at his sleeve as it slides into some bar toe-jam]
Girl: What's wrong?
Guy: I just got something on my favorite sweatshirt. [starting to get really stressed]
Girl: I don't know if you know about this, but there's these metal boxes you put you clothes in and it will clean them.
Guy stares blankly at her.
Girl: Or, if you're really lazy like me, you can just take it someplace and have a short Asian woman use the box for you.
Guy still looks at her, confused.
Girl leaves bar.
--Automatic Slims, Washington & Bethune
Beautiful and Witty
Drunk guy: Why should I invite you up to my apartment?
Drunk girl: Because I'm beautiful ASSHOLE!
--80th & 2nd
No, That's the Guy Who Did Lord of the Cock Rings
Guy #1: Yeah, he's a pretty good director... what's his name again? The hobbit guy?
Guy #2: Uhhh...Peter something...
Guy #1: Yeah, Peter North! I love that guy's movies.
--AMC Empire 25, Times Square
He'll Have to Take Remedial Machismo
Hipster with small dog: I used to be in the Navy. What is your training?
Sailor: I'll be on a sub, learning to shoot nuclear warheads.
Hipster: Shit man, that's intense.
Sailor: I know, I'm not really into violence.
--Stanton & Ludlow
Overheard by: Dan Levin
It's So Sad About Her Gambling Problem
Guy #1: I got a letter from Rosalyn & Jimmy Carter.
Guy #2: Oh really? How are they doing?
Guy #1: Good, they want money.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Carl
NY1 Top Story: Child Protection Services Taken Over by MTA
Voice over PA, as train is pulling out of the station: How you gonna let your child run around like that? You call yourself a mother? I could've closed the doors on your child and then what? You would've been all sad and shit but I was nice, I chose to keep the doors open. You call yourself a mother... lettin' your child run around on the subway...
--1 train
Overheard by: LSB
She Just Likes the Taste
Man: What's that you're putting on your cheesecake?
Woman: My cholesterol medication.
Man: Um... I don't think that's how it works.
--Carnegie Deli
Overheard by: Julie
If It Breathes Fire, He Should See Someone
Girl #1: Hey, we gave your boyfriend a new nickname!
Girl #2: Oh yeah, what?
Girl #1: Puff the Magic Dragon!
Girl #2, slightly exasperated: Oh...is that because of his cock?
--Cheap Shots, East Village
Guys Are So Hard to Please
Super thin model/actress on cell: Urrgghhh!!! Jonathan left me again [pause] I can't believe it. [pause] For being too anorexic! Yeah, I thought being anorexic would be hot but apparently I'm now too anorexic.
--Union Square
Overheard by: benji
He Let His Lucky Subscription Lapse
Hobo: Damn girl, yo ass look fine in them Levis!
Jappy girl: What? These are True Religion!
--47th & Lex
That Is Smart!
Gangsta #1: Tyrone -- he all smart and shit now that he got himself an education!
Gansta #2: How he did that? He go to college?
Gansta #1: Nah, he's too poor to go to college! Nigga went and got himself locked up so he could get his GED!
--Queens-bound N train
Overheard by: chingbaby
YOUR HEADLINE HERE, RELOADED
Put away your skewer jokes -- we've posted a new contest! Click here to read the entry and submit your headline. The winner of Monday's contest will be posted this coming Monday.
Winners of this and future contests will get a copy of the book Overheard in New York, signed by Morgan Friedman (until we run out).
Now Recruiting: Army of Trashed Spies
Drunk Jersey girl #1: I can never submit anything to Overheard in New York
Drunk Jersey girl #2: Why not? You're in New York more than you're in Jersey.
Drunk Jersey girl #1: Yeah but by the time I get home I'm drunk and I forget what I heard.
Drunk Jersey girl #2: You're a fuckin' mess. Get a laptop.
--5th Ave & Union
Or Rue 57 Could Add an iPod Bar
Fashion queer #1: I wish the new Apple store sold food.
Fashion queer #2: They should sell food -- then it would be, like, one-stop-shopping on our lunch hour.
--Elevator, 5th & 59th
Overheard by: Lubes
The New Crunch Marketing Strategy
Girl on cell: Seriously George, I gained twenty pounds while I was in LA, and now every black guy in the city can't stop talking to me about my ass!
Guy slowly driving by and waving out window: Oooh girl, you so fiiiine...you gorgeous.
Girl on cell: Jesus Christ! There's another one! I've gotta call you back, I'm going to the gym.
--Broadway & Bleeker
It Once Gave Jon Stewart Heartburn
Lady: Do you have famous cheesecake?
Waiter: Yes, the cheesecake.
Lady: Well is it famous?
Waiter gives blank stare.
Lady: Because I only want it if it's famous.
--44th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Grant W
I Call Him Redd Foxxy
Black guy #1: She wanted to suck my dick watching Sanford and Son at 2AM.
Black guy #2: White niggas don't understand the principle in that. There ain't nothing wrong with that.
--2nd & 1st
Overheard by: Errol Stairpath
The Bob Really Frames Her Chins
Woman: Oh, wow, Gloria, you dyed your hair! You look so much younger! You look great! [To man] Joe, you remember Gloria, right? Doesn't her hair look great?
Joe: Yeah, but she's still fat!
--6th & 23rd
Multitasking, the Next Level
Guy in line to pay, on cell: Hi. I'm calling to say I want a divorce. I keep calling and calling, and leaving messages, and sending you texts, but you never get back to me. So I guess this is it. I'm going to have papers drawn up unless you call me back. Okay, bye.
--J&R Computer Store, Park Row
Overheard by: Just trying to buy a PSP case
The Tiny Tops Are Called Booty Do Rags
Woman #1: She got a booty do
Woman #2: A booty do?
Woman #1: Yeah, you know, when your belly stick out more than your booty do?
--4 train
He Needs to Work on Lying with Conviction
Guy #1: So this girl comes over and I just want her to give me a blow job.
Guy #2: Yeah, did she do it?
Guy #1: No. She was all like, "I really want to hook up with you, but you won't respect me if I do." And I'm just thinking, "Please for the love of God, just suck my dick and I'll worry about the rest later." but I obviously can't say that to her.
Guy #3: Dude, that sucks. It sounds like she's a total tease.
Guy #1: Yeah. I know man. I really, really just wanted her to suck my dick and she's worried about all this other stuff.
. . .
Guy #3, as they're exiting the train: Do you believe we go to law school?
--1 train
Overheard by: Alison R.
Those ATVs Can Do Anything
Voice over PA: This train will not be continuing and we need to evacuate the train. There is a car in the station so we are going to have everyone walk forward.
Guy #1: There's a car in the station?!
Guy #2: Yeah, a car from this train...
Guy #1: Oh, thank GOD! I thought someone really fucked up.
--Manhattan-bound F, stopped just short of East Broadway Stop
Overheard by: That Guy
I Know a Place Where They Fix That, Too
Euro hipster #1: I got the soles of my shoes fixed.
Euro hipster #2: Your what?
Euro hipster #1 #1: You know, the soles of my shoes. The bottoms.
Euro hipster #2: I do not know this word.
Euro hipster #1: You know, S-O-U-L.
Euro hipster #2: Ah, like ass-soul?
--New York Sports Club, Astoria
Overheard by: Lizzy Vegas
Wednesday One-liners Are From Mars
Borderline-crying woman on cell: No I don't want to go to a fucking bar, I want to be with you, you asshole!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: gladly single
Ballsy dame: Well, that's one thing men are good for -- playing the minor roles in Evita.
--Marie's Crisis piano bar, Grove & Bleeker
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Wednesday One-liners Think They're All That
Guy on cell: She goes to school in Pittsburgh. She's second rate. We go to school in New York. We know who we are.
--Astor Place
Guy on cell: No, no. We only look down on people we're helping.
--Broadway & Fulton
Wet dude: I should not have to walk in the rain! I am a very important person!
--71st Rd & Queens Blvd, Forest Hills
Wednesday One-liners in Black and White
Creepy white teacher: And so the black people started to spread from Harlem. And now there are black people in all five boroughs.
--205 & Reservoir, the Bronx
Hobo to parked white-on-white Mini Cooper: Hate car! Racist car! Bigot car!
--4th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: benjamen walker
Girl on cell: I don't care if I am as white as a bar of soap, I can say bangin' all I want.
--35th St & 23rd Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Rick Adams
Wednesday One-liners Behind Bars
Woman on cell: So, your man coming with you tonight, or he still locked up?
--42nd & Park
Overheard by: June L.
Hobo collecting bottles: Man, I'm getting too skinny, I gotta go back to jail.
--87th & 2nd
Overheard by: Wagner crew
Wednesday One-liners Calibrate Their Gaydar
Queer to his friend after hearing raucous cheering coming out of a bar: Straight people are tiresome, yet amusing at the same time.
--46th & 9th
Teen girl smelling a candle: Smells like lesbian.
--5 train
Overheard by: Nolan's Lover
Wednesday One-liners Have Cool Spiny Backs and Tiny Tiny Brains
Woman: That movie's so stupid! They got King Kong and the dinosaurs fighting even though they are from different centuries.
--Mama's Pizza, 106th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Kyle T
Teen girl: You know, I don't think I even believe in dinosaurs.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Paul
Wednesday One-liners Are Just Semantics
Shopping girl: Look, those are pre-viewed! Wait, what does that mean?
--Tower Records, Union Square South
Woman on cell: I'm not a HOOKER! I'm a PROSTITUTE you piece of shit fuck!
--In front of Barnes & Noble, Union Square North
Overheard by: Jenna Carlson
Baby Got Wednesday One-liners
Well-dressed woman to well-dressed man: It's not my ears, it's your ass.
--3rd Ave between 11th & 12th
Overheard by: Heather DuCharme
Black guy to white girl: Hey, Slim Goodie! I wanna take you home and fatten you up right now! Some KFC, that's all you need to juice that ass up.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Sarah Bitchards
Girl to friend: Girl, you know you got a hobbit ass
--Steps outside the Met
Overheard by: Dawn Duffey
Infectious Wednesday One-liners
Guy: I said to myself 'he's never going to make it', he's a drug freak, he has three STDs. But you proved me wrong, my friend
--Columbia Journalism School Graduation Reception
Overheard by: Mooching the Free Food
Queer on cell: I had three staph infections last year -- one from the gym shower and the other two from the Roxy, but we won't go into that.
--11th St & 2nd Ave
Surly truck driver: Yeah, the test results came back positive... but I'm not going to tell her.
--W 57th
Overheard by: Greg H.
Awww, Wednesday One-liners
Little boy to his mother: Mommy, remember the last time you made a mistake?
--Manhattan-bound A train
Boy with ice cream: Does the five-second rule apply to sidewalks?
--92nd & Madison
Little boy to duck: Uh, what the fuck, dude?
--Harlem Meer, Central Park
Overheard by: robin b
Wednesday One-liners Majored in Anthro
White girl: Yeah, they're actually adults. They just look like children because, you know, they're Asian.
--Asian Pacific American Heritage Festival, Union Square
Overheard by: Kelly
White girl: He really was the smallest black guy I've ever fucked...and believe me, I've fucked plenty of black guys.
--Union Square
Black guy to Asian woman: We fucking taught you people martial arts! Egypt? What!
--Washington Square Park
Completely Confused Wednesday One-liners
Well-dressed woman to passerby: Excuse me. Which way is up?
--53rd & Madison
Overheard by: Kitsune
Stoned guy: I think I thought I had a thought in my head...but I was wrong.
--74th S & Colonial Rd, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Wednesday One-liners Teach Your Children Well
Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That's right. You threw up.
--4 train
Overheard by: Leora
Parent: My son is only two years old, sittin' at the bar, talkin' 'bout "old school." How you gon' talk 'bout "old school" when you two years old? I think my brother taught him that.
--Merrill Lynch lobby, Broadway & Park Row
Mom to 4-year-old: Stop crying and take a moment and think about how you feel.
--Broadway & 104th
The Adolescent Female Hybrids Are Strangely Weepy
Husband: The male hybrids seem to want to breed but the females aren't interested, they just sit there and make no attempt to communicate with their peer group.
Wife: Are you being condescending? I sometimes think....I feel you're being condescending, especially when you talk about the hybrids....
Daughter starts to cry.
Husband: This is never constructive. We'll continue this later.
--7th Ave & 9th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: I really hope they're gardeners
The Wheaties of the Type II Diabetes Generation
Junior high kid #1: Nigga you ghetto! That nigga's mama fed him Spaghettios for breakfast!
Junior high kid #2: Nigga what you eat then, fool?
Junior high kid #1: Nigga my shit's balanced -- Pop Tarts and Odwalla, nigga, breakfast of champions!
--In front of White Castle, Metropolitan & Bushwick
Overheard by: OJ Phillips
So Then You Gave Him Money?
Guy: So, anyway, the short of it is, he is the only guy I ever slept with who didn't end up giving me money. He was amazing.
Girl: Hmm-mm. I see.
--Houston & Mercer
Overheard by: Angela
More Things Parents Just Don't Understand
Mother: What did you say? He's a professor of cold-cut studies?
Daughter: No, mom! He's a professor of Holocaust studies!
--74th & 3rd
He'll Grow Up Skinny but Scrappy
Kid: Daddy! Daddy! Can I give you a wedgie?
Father: If you do I won't feed you for a week
Cashier laughs.
Father: At least he asked this time... Usually he just does it
--Walgreens, Manhattan
Just One More Log on the Fire
Girl #1: You think if I set up a gay couple I'll go to hell?
Girl #2: Oh, totally.
--L train
Overheard by: ellll to the moee
No Wonder It's Not Yours
Suit: I'm going to have challah bread french toast for dinner tonight. My good-for-nothing wife can't make me dinner -- she's nine months pregnant. She's home all day, still in pajamas at 2:30 in the afternoon. Why don't you try putting on some pants, that will get you motivated.
--uptown 2 train leaving Wall Street
Overheard by: Megan W
Signs of the Apocalypse
Girl #1: Hey are you going to go see The Da Vinci Code?
Girl #2: Yes! My pastor said it was alright as long as I watched The Passion of the Christ right after.
--Midwood High School
Overheard by: the half jewish kid in the corner
Sarcastic Anal Is the New Blow Job
College girl on cell: I need that like I need a dick in the ass.
Random guy: I can help with that.
Girl, to guy: I was ... being metaphysical ... metaphorical?
Guy: I'll take it either way.
Girl: Yeah, sarcastic ... what she said [points to phone].
Guy: Well, I was being serious.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Lizzerd
That's Mistress Mayhem to You
Guy: Thanks, ma'am.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "ma'am?"? Do I look like a ma'am? I don't look that old, do I?
Guy: No, no; "ma'am" is a sign of respect, not age.
Teenage cashier: Okay, then.
Guy: Uh, thanks, hot mama.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "hot mama"?
--Gourmet Garage, Broadway
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Until My Message Is Heard
Assistant: Probably not, I don't see them as Miracle Whip people.
Boss: How many times do you have to tell that story?
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Dave
Try the Channel Below Law & Order
Guy #1: So what do you do now?
Guy #2: Grab some food, go home, have a shower, watch Cops...
Guy #1: There's no Cops on TV at this time.
Guy #2: There's always Cops on some channel, just switch from channel to channel and you can watch it 16 hours straight.
--Broadway & Montrose, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Olaf
Chicks and Ducks and Geese Better Scurry
Girl: So I'm not the biggest comic fan, but these were from the thirties and I open it up and HELLO DONALD DUCK with an erection!
Guy: Whoa, porno.
Girl: Yeah, it was $4.95 which I totally had, but I mean...there was even this poem. "This is the tale of Donald Duck, he just wants a duck to fuck."
Guy: Was he...you know?
Girl: Circumcised?
--Central Park South
Toto, Looks Like You're Not in Jersey Anymore
Guy #1: I wouldn't have sex with her. I love my penis too much.
Guy #2: You said that kinda loud.
Guy #1: Don't worry, there's no Overheard in New Jersey.
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
He'll Have to Wait for the Rest of the Cars to Leave
Old woman: Where'd you park our car?
Old man: I don't know. What's it look like?
--Outside McDonald's, Fulton St
Whatever, Just Tell Your Friends
Crazy lady: Where would we be without Mexicans? You are a very hard-working people.
Mexican, working the register, nods.
Crazy lady: All the time I see your people working.
Mexican nods.
Crazy lady: Like no other.
Mexican nods.
Crazy lady leaves.
Mexican, to no one in particular: Soy de El Salvador.
--Strokos Pizza
Overheard by: Injured List
Maybe Styx Will Give You a Refund
Girl #1: Okay, I got it! We should all do coke for Melissa's birthday!
Long pause.
Girl #2: Uhhhh, no.
Girl #1: I meant that as a joke...ehhh, I think. I mean who would actually suggest that? [under her breath] Awww, damn.
--Columbia
White Rapping Is Actually a Symptom
White guy #1: Ready, I'magonna freestyle.
White guy #2: Bullshit, dawg.
White guy #1: Oooh girl dat ass is big and round and I like to hit it on the ground --
Passing black male: Give it up, cracker.
White guy #2: You gotta listen to me. Like the time with the syphilis, man, shit.
--51st & 9th
Overheard by: Lauren Michelle
It's Every Jewish Mother's Dream
Jewish girl to black friend: I want a black boyfriend...what if I turned really ghetto? What if I start to wear baby phat? I'll be like, this is what Kamal likes. Ohmygod, what if he has his own made-up name? I'll be like, oh Styx just called me.
--98th & Madison
Overheard by: nathalie
~YOUR HEADLINE HERE~
Starting today, Overheard in New York will be running regular headline contests. What you do: Click on the link at the top left of the site, read the headless entry, and let your brilliance unfold. What you get: Headline credit when the entry is posted, props from friends and coworkers, and a link to your blog (at our discretion).
Think of It More as Jesus's Shot Glass
Girl #1: So the entire time i'm watching this movie, I'm like, what is the Holy Grail? They never explain what it is. And I'm thinking it's probably like, some kind of trophy or something...? Like maybe a fashion trophy...? Or something...?
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Yeah but no, it turns it out it actually has to do with like, Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene or something.
Girl #2: So it was like... Jesus's trophy?
--H&M dressing room, 5th Ave
Also, Wine Coolers and Astroglide
Punk girl #1: You know what I smell whenever I pass by this store?
Punk girl #2: Heh, what?
Punk girl #1: Anorexia.
--In front of Abercrombie, 5th Ave
Those Guys Take Forever in There
Girl: Where's the bathroom?
She tries to open the door to the conductor's box.
Girl: Who's in there? I have to use the bathroom!
--1 train uptown
Overheard by: jonathan renshon
That Was Actually Just Simon's Booty Call
Guy setting up stage: Hey did American Idol confirm?
Other guy setting up stage: Yeah, Simon confirmed for 1:30 PM.
Tourist: Oh my God are you serious?!
Other guy: Hey Charlie, you were right, it is fun messing with the tourists!
--Ninth Avenue Street Fair
I Recommend the Codeine & Chive Lite Spread
Employee: What kind of bagel did you want?
Guy: Poppyseed.
Employee: Oh, we don't have poppyseed. We have plain, everything, and cinnamon raisin.
Guy: Everything. I just need the opiates.
--alt.coffee, 9th & A
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich
He's Just Like Brad but with Less Expensive Packaging
Girl #1: So I got that, like, Wal-stat stuff. Whatever the generic brand of Monistat is.
Girl #2: Dude, don't skimp when it comes to your vagina. That's an area where you really want quality.
Girl #1: Says the girl who slept with John!
--1020 Bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: djlindee
Just Pretend to Be Surprised
Man: And if he's coming at me with his motherfucking knife, he's going out the window.
Woman: You ain't supposed to know about the knife.
Man: I don't give a shit.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Daniel
You Have Some Dental Floss, Right?
Dad: You get back here! If you get hurt, I am not going to take you to the hospital. I will not be late. I will just stitch you up myself when we get home.
Daughter looks skeptical.
Dad: I learned how to do it in prison.
--129th & Lenox
Go Call Somebody Who Has a Soul
Guy: You have to accept the lord Jesus Christ into your soul! The Gospel says that if you don't accept the lord, you will burn in hell! Hear my words and heed my warnings! The lord will take vengance upon your defiance!
Woman: Here's a quarter! Shut the fuck up!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Vicksburg
First, He Gave Away All His Chewtoys...
Guy #1: Anyways, how's Coco?
Guy #2: I don't have Coco anymore man. I got a new dog.
Guy #1: Really? What happened to Coco?
Guy #2: Coco hung himself.
--Waverly & Mercer
Overheard by: Noah Lagin
He's Definitely Going to Take a Class First
Girl: Well, it's not as if he's just going to go around aborting fetuses.
Guy: Yeah, you're right.
--Fordham University Rose Hill
Overheard by: Jessica
Those Celebrity Perfumes Should Come with a Warning
Girl #1: So have you heard about all these alligators in Florida that have been eating women?
Girl #2: No
Girl #1: Yeah, like three women got eaten last week
Girl #2: That's hilarious.
Girl #1: I know.
--F train between Jay & Bergen
Adam Sandler Was Misunderstood, Too
Punk rock girl: I'm pretty sure they knew it was satirical.
Punk rock guy: They didn't think it was satirical, they think you actually think that.
Punk rock girl: But it was parody!
Punk rock guy: It was bullshit!
--7th Ave & Greenwich
She's Home Studying for the SATs
Twentysomething guy at urinal #1: Damn, some of the girls getting trashed here are only in high school!
Twentysomething guy at urinal #2: Yeah, I'm glad I didn't bring my wife.
--114th & Broadway
Nothing Says Class Like a Nose Full of Sucrose
Stoner #1: I dare you to snort this pixie stick.
Stoner #2: But I only have a five dollar bill.
Stoner #1: So, what's the problem?
Stoner #2: Dude, you can't snort with a five dollar bill. That's just wrong. It has to be at least a twenty. God, have some dignity.
--Stuyvesant High School
It's Saying, "Let's Do the Time Warp"
Hipster chick: Why are you lying on the ground?
Drunk Peruvian starts doing pelvic thrusts.
Hipster chick: Are you talking to me with your crotch?
--Bowery Ballroom
Overheard by: Siegal
That's When She Gets Off Work
Guy: What's in the steamed little juicy buns?
Four-fingered Chinese waitress: 10 minute longer.
--Ollie's, 44th & Broadway
There's a Class at Toys in Babeland
Girl on cell: Ugh, so I'm headed to the subway now. I just had to do this job where we were working with a construction crew so of course they were like "let's give the bull dyke all the construction work." And I'm like, I don't know how to fucking use power tools.
--5th Ave & E 39th
Two Kilos? She Wishes
Black guy: Two for Akeelah.
German girlfriend: What? What are you buying? Two kilos for what?
Black guy: No. Akeelah.
German girlfriend: I don't understand. Two kilos of what? That makes no sense.
Black guy, rolling his eyes: No! Akeelah! Akeelah!. Akeelah! Two for Akeelah!
German girlfriend: I still don't understand.
Black guy: Akeelah and the frickin' Bee!!!
German girlfriend: OHHHHH!
--Union Square Stadium 14, Broadway & 13th
Too Late to Keep Out the Devil
Woman: *sneeze*
Man on street: God bless you.
Woman: You need to shave. You look fucking hideous.
--Grand St & Graham Ave, Williamsburg
But Jack Black Did Make Shark Tales
Guy on cell: Yeah, I spoke to Jack Black about it... right, yeah. I think he'll do just about anything at this point. [pause] Jack Black. Jack Black. [pause] Oh, Jack White. Jack Black is the comedian. Yeah.
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Jim
He Uses That Line on All His Dates
Guy #1: Have I ever told you that I got a ticket for public urination?
Guy #2: No way, that's awesome!
--3rd Ave & 19th St
What with Sperm at $70 a Barrel...
Woman #1: So, you know Tanya...
Woman #2: Yeah, skinny little thing. What a waste of a fuck!
--58th & Madison
Overheard by: Tom T
But Those Are Naturally Occurring
Guy #1: What's a clamato? Isn't that a type of tomato? Tastes like a tomato.
Guy #2: It's a clam and a tomato.
Guy #1: No... Really?
Guy #3: Yeah. It's a combination of two words... you know, like dumbass!
--Union Suare
Overheard by: Primo
Shhh, She's Undercover
Woman: Are these Japanese dolls?
Employee: Yes.
Woman: Oh, are you Japanese?
Employee: No.
Woman: Are you sure?
--Union Square
Their Intergalactic Enforcement Program Is Top-Notch
College applicant: I want to learn how to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Okay, well, we don't do that here -- it's a Criminal Justice college degree.
College applicant: But they told me I need to learn to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Who's they?
College applicant: The aliens. You know, them.
Admissions rep: I see. Well, maybe you should go to the CIA.
--30th Pl & Thomson Ave, Long Island City
Here's to the Huge Fight You're Going to Have When You Get Home
Drunk guy to entire restaurant: Everyone I want to make a toast, raise your fucking glasses. Alright -- My girlfriend had an abortion, we are not having a baby!
--Silk Road Palace, 81st & Amsterdam
Tyra Taught Her That Trick
Ghetto high school girl #1: Gimme the camera!
Ghetto high school girl #2: Noooo! I need to take a picture for myspace. You know what that means!
Ghetto high school girl #1: What?
Ghetto high school girl #2: I gotta look cute! But it has to look normal, like I'm not posing.
Ghetto high school girl #1 grabs the camera and whacks girl #2 on the head. She snaps a photo.
Ghetto high school girl #2: What the fuck bitch!?
Ghetto high school girl #1: [looking at the camera] Oh my god! It's such a cuuuuuuuuuute picture!
Ghetto high school girl #2: Oh my god! I'm sooooo cute.
--Starbucks, 17th & Union Square W
She Can't Even Go Near a Mel Gibson Movie
Girl #1: I can't believe you're about to get your culo waxed.
Girl #2: I can't believe you didn't get your culo waxed!
Girl #1: You know I have an asshole phobia, for Christ's sake!
--50th St & 6th Ave
People From Upstate Love This
Cali girl #1: Where do you go again?
Cornell girl: Cornell.
Cali girl #2: Oh. Where is that?
Cali girl #1: Oh my god, don't you know it's in New York?
Cali girl #2: Umm no, you idiot, we're in New York and she said she just drove hours to get here.
Cali girl #1: Oh right..I think it's in like.. the state that New York is in? New York state?
Cornell girl: Yeah. Ithaca.
Cali girl #1: Right right! Middle of nowhere, right? Shithaca!
Cornell girl: Umm.
--59th & 5th
Overheard by: love cali girls
Don't Knock It 'til You've Tried It
Guy: I'o'really mess with Queens, or people from Queens. [pause] 130th Street and 5th Ave, that shit is mad weird! You ever been to his house! That shit is mad white! You never gonna get in a fight there. [pause] Who eats ketchup -- by is'self?
--Puebla Mexican Food & Coffee Shop, 1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: C-Dub
Say Cheese, Chucky
Mom taking photos of son: Smile, sweetie.
[click click]
Mom: Smile from within, honey.
[click click]
Mom: Smiling from within means smile like you're happy on the inside.
[click click]
Mom: Okay, not that much.
--Prospect Park
And They Love Being Reduced to a Cultural Stereotype
Guy #1: I really think African Americans are bipolar. They all seem to have high self esteem, are hyperactive all the time, and are easily irritable.
Guy #2: Shut up nigga. You know I'm better than those cats.
Guy #1: And they can never hear themselves talking.
--F train
That Was Actually His Campaign Slogan
Anthony Weiner and what appears to be 3 of his staff get out of a black Chevy Impala with tints and a spoiler.
Stoned kid #1: Dude it's Anthony Weiner.
Stoned kid #2: Who?
Stoned kid #1: Anthony Weiner...the Congressman. He lives right there.
Stoned kid #2 looks back
Stoned kid #2: Hey Weiner! You're a Weiner!
--Ascan Ave & Burns St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Peter Sipsas
Teenage Lobotomy, the Aftermath
Queer: Who's Joey Ramone?
Hipster girl: Oh my God, are you kidding me?
Queer: Uh, no. Who is he?
Hipster girl: He's a singer! He was like, in some huge band in the '80s!
Queer: What band?
Hipster girl: Um...
Queer: See? You don't know who the hell he is either. You don't even know what band he was in.
Hipster girl: It's on the tip of my tongue...
Queer: Sure.
Hipster girl: Oh well, I can't think of it. I think he's dead now anyway. Who cares.
--Irving Plaza
Overheard by: i hope they were joking
Guess My Map's Out of Date
Conductor: Okay, okay...all you white people get off the train here. That's right, hippies and hipsters. If you under thirty-five and white, you don't want to stay on this train no mo'. The next stop will be the ghet-to!
--Flatbush-bound 2 express train at Eastern Parkway/Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: chagrined hipster
Broken Spanish Is the New Esperanto
A flight attendant on an Atlanta to NYC plane is attempting to communicate with two Israeli twentysomethings in broken Spanish.
Flight attendant to Israeli guy: Sir, por favor, sit down. If no sit, I will telephonar el capitan and he will have to turn off el engine. It will take una hora to get to the gate if that happens.
Guy: I don't speak Spanish.
Flight attendant: What?
Guy: I don't speak Spanish. Speak English!
Flight attendant: Fine. Sir, please take a seat. The fasten seatbelt sign is still lit. If you do not sit down, I will have to call el capitan.
--Landing strip
Seriously, No One Says "Spawned"
American man: So you're a tourist from Great Britain?
British man: Yes, I am.
American man: Where did you learn to speak English?
British man: We spawned the language, you know.
American man: No. . . that was the English.
--Statue of Liberty crown
That Arbor Mist Is Really Something
Guy on cell: Yeah....it was a crazy night. Well, we were drinking wine....and, well, you know....one thing lead to another and pretty soon all four of us were in bed together.
--HSBC ATM, Times Square
Anna Wintour's Second Job
Hobo lady with piercing tone walking the length of the subway car: I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry, can somebody give me some food? I'm so hungry. [pause] Nobody cares. Nobody cares, you all don't care. You are all selfish. Nobody cares.
She has reached the end of the subway car as it approaches City Hall.
Hobo lady to quiet plump lady: Honey, you need to get your roots done. Your hair is ugly.
Hobo lady leaves the car.
--R train between Rector & City Hall
Overheard by: Kathryn
It's Because She's with You "Til Canarsie"
Homeboy to Latina chick: My name is TC. You know what that stands for? Too Cool, Too Cute, or Too Crazy, you gotta find out which.
Latina chick says nothing.
Homeboy: You look depressed.
--L train, Morgan Ave.
Overheard by: Nick McD
Yeah, That Could Have Been Awkward
Old man to dog: You ain't never goin' to heaven if you keep pullin' this shit!
After noticing other people listening: Well someone's gotta say something!
--Thompkins Square Park dog run
Excellent Diagnosis!
Friend of patient: Has this woman been admitted yet? She's been here since 6 o'clock.
Triage nurse: She's not going to hear her name called sitting over here. She needs to be in the waiting room. They'll call for her when they can take her.
Friend: She's deaf.
Short pause.
Nurse: Well either way, she's not going to hear it.
--New York Methodist Hospital, Park Slope
Overheard by: connor
I Know Shakespeare, and He Didn't Say It -- That God Guy Did
Girl #1: As Shakespeare once said: "Thou shall not kill."
Girl #2: No, that would be God.
--11th & University
NY Age of Consent Is 17 -- Coincidence?
Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?
--R train
That Funeral Gets Two Thumbs Way Down
Tiny, incredibly old woman: And all that stuff about Sadie having a good heart?
Tiny, incredibly old man: Yeah.
Tiny, incredibly old woman: What a cold bitch.
--Squires Diner, Cliff St.
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Now You Won't Get to See the Pictures
Man on cell: I tried to call you yesterday but you weren't home. Where were you? What? Colonoscopy? Did he at least buy you flowers and talk dirty to you? Sorry, yeah that was out of line. I'll cut the crap now. Oh, ha, ha, I just made an unintended pun. No...no, sorry, man...hello? Hello?
--Penn Station, LIRR waiting area
How About Gefilte Fish and a Halogen
Guy #1: So what should we get him for his birthday?
Guy #2: I don't know....what about a menorah?
Guy #1: What? But it's not Hannukah.
Guy #2: Yeah, but he's Jewish. And his room is dark.
--Union Square
Overheard by: curious
See How She Turned That Around?
Girl: Hey, you!
Random guy: Yes?
Girl: Not you, the guy behind you.
Other guy: Yes?
Girl: On a scale of one to ten, what do you think my chances are with the guy I just spoke to before you?
--58th & 6th
It Seems Long When You're Listening to Don Henley
Man: Do you think a minute is the same in Egypt as it is in New York?
Woman: I guess so, I don't know.
Man: 'Cause you know that song "In a New York Minute," I think a minute is different here. It's probably shorter.
--American Airlines terminal, JFK
She'll Need It When She Gets Her Ass Kicked
A woman on a crowded train has put her bag on a seat and is standing in front of it.
Girl: Are you going to sit down?
Lady: Yes.
Girl: When?
Lady: Soon. I'm warming it up.
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
Maybe They Were Actually Cold
Rocker doof #1: Dude we're having this flannel party. We're totally going to like put on Neil Young and CCR videos and shit.
Rocker doof #2: Dude I saw this movie Hype about like grunge or whatever and everyone was wearing flannel... but it totally wasn't ironic!
--art opening, Kent & Metropolitan, Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners Wanna Get Dirty
Girl on cell: I feel so dirty...He rubbed oil all over my body. He's short, but he has blue eyes...so hot...I'd let him crawl all over me!
--Hoboken PATH
Old blind woman singing for money in the train: I'll rub hot oil all over your body ... and God bless the child, that's got his own, that's got his own.
--F train downtown
Hobo lady: I been pussy fucked; I been ass fucked; I been titty fucked--and that was fun--but there ain't no love like the love of Jesus.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Ben Beckley
Politically Informed Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy old woman: It's the United States government, they did this -- ruined my hair, my skin, my nails.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: nina
Boy: If you can find that channel on cable, it's all Castro, all the time.
--1st Ave & 11th
Overheard by: Elmer Colon
Guy on payphone: I didn't say anything about smacking the fuck out of your country.
--91st & 1st
Wednesday One-liners Think They Had Fun
Girl on cell: Hey [Kate], it's [Angie]. I was just wondering what the fuck I did last night. Call me later.
--Henry Street & Love Lane, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: sarah
Girl on cell: Apparently, I took my pants off.
--Queens Blvd & 59th St, Queens
Overheard by: Nina
Wednesday One-liners Know Their ABCs
Guy on cell being way too loud at 1AM: Yo! I'm on Avenue M as in motherfucker!
--Avenue M & E 17 St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Daniil Sosonkin
Announcer: For service to 81st Street, take the downtown B as in bubble or D as in Ducktales.
--86th Street B/C station
Overheard by: frocky
Wednesday One-liners Are Ahead of the Curve
Guy: I might move to the South Bronx/Washington Heights. SoBro is getting gentrified.
I'd like to get there before all the hipsters move in.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Girl: Just start saying it, they'll think you're cool. It's New York.
--SoHo
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Wednesday One-liners Want a Date
Guy: Man, we gotta get you on a J-Date sometime soon.
--53rd & 1st
Overheard by: Pam, Lauren, and Gloria
Limo driver: If you were my girl I'd quit lying and cheating.
--55th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: turned off
Wednesday One-liners and the Arts
Irate man on cell: It's all the same. Because Art and Commerce merged in '92. [Pause, yelling on the other end of the line] That's when the NWA album came out.
--38th & 6th
Overheard by: Erin Sparling
Woman: How am I supposed to know if I like it?
--181st Invitational Exhibition of Contemporary American Art, National Academy Museum, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Beeeej
A Nice Pair of Wednesday One-liners
Woman on cell: My boobs aren't ready for this cold weather. They're still too new.
--56th st. between 7th Ave & Broadway
Store manager: You can't have a full facing of titties here. You just can't.
--Jim Hanley's Universe, 33rd & 5th
Overheard by: Vito Delsante
Wednesday One-liners Pose a Danger to Others
Middle-aged Latino woman to younger black woman: Listen, I got rights, ok? I mean I'll do the time for it, I don't care. On this train you gotta give people respect, 'cause everyone's a person. You give 'em respect, then you punch 'em.
--M train
Twentysomething girl on cell: Because I beat the crap out of him, that's why I got fired.
--Continental Ave & Austin St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Sean Finnerty
Totally Gay Wednesday One-liners
Nerdy high school girl: I got a B+ on my freaking Holocaust essay. How gay is that?
--Q17 bus, Flushing
Overheard by: Lisa Berlin
Queerspotter: He's so far inside the closet, he's in Narnia.
--11th between 1st and A
Overheard by: Vinny C.
Drag queen: There are only two lesbian bars in New York, and that is because there are only five lesbians who tip.
--xl, 16th & 9th
Overheard by: Nick Salvato
Wednesday One-liners Make Great Role Models
Skinny white teenage boy, pointing to a T-shirt that says New York Fucking City: Yo mom. I want this shirt in the biggest size they have.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Allisa
Mom on cell with son: Listen, you get home now, you only thirteen and you be fuckin' all them bitches.
--Herald Square
Guy on cell: No! For the last time, you gotta set it on fire after you put it on his doorstep. [To friend] God, fucking kids these days.
--22nd & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Should Be in a Museum
Teen: What's the big difference between this and the Holocaust Museum?
--Darwin Exhibit, Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Doug Gordon
Guy: And he just kept talking about masturbating in the Guggenheim.
--2nd Ave, between 4th & 5th
Overheard by: Bradford
MoMA security guard: No, we just have modern art here.
--MoMA
Overheard by: -=Ed.
That's Why They Call Them Hobos
Scrubby girl: ...so he said I spent too much on bags, and I should sell some. But I love bags, and I get them all on sale!
Professional girl: How much do you spend on bags a month?
Scrubby girl: Around a thousand.
Professional girl: And how much is your rent?
Scrubby girl: Eight hundred.
Professional girl: So sell some fucking bags. Jesus!
--14th & A
Overheard by: Corocet
It's Chinese for "Learn Italian, Fool"
Girl: Little Italy is changing so much. Look at this place, this doesn't belong here...
Guy: Why not? It's called "Casa Bella." That means "beautiful house."
Girl: "Bella" doesn't mean "house."
--Mulberry & Hester
Overheard by: Wow
If It Is a Good Morning...Which I Doubt
Man on cell: Good morning! How are you?
Man: Tell me the bad news...
Man: No, really... Tell me the bad news
Man: You're PREGNANT? How did that happen?
Man: I know how it happened...but I mean...I thought you were on the pill!
Man: Well, what are we going to do about this? [pause] I can't have a kid with you. [pause] I'M MARRIED!
--47th & Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: Cynthia Frawley
I Didn't Realize Santa Was Body-Dysmorphic
Girl #1: No, dammit. Not Italian. I'm so fat, you guys.
Girl #2: What? Shut up! You're skinnier than all my other friends. You're skinnier than me!
Girl #1: I have a fat soul.
Guy: The word you're looking for is "jolly."
--N train
Glad We Cleared That Up
Elderly woman on cell: Rhoda! Rhoda! It's Esther! DID YOU CALL ME? NO? Oh, well someone called me! I can't believe it! Why would someone call me on this thing?! All I want to do is be able to make a call, I don't want to have to deal with these messages and things!
[Makes another call] NORMAN?! NORMAN? You called me?! Why in the world would you ever call me?! NORMAN?
[To the rest of the car] It was my husband.
--Penn Station-bound LIRR, near Jamaica Station
She's Michael Graves Collection from Target
A Design Mom with baby bumps into a Design Woman coming out of Brooklyn Designs Show.
Design woman: Is that your daughter?
Design mom: Yes, it is.
Design woman: Oh my gosh! She's so...so...geometric!
--Dumbo, outside Brooklyn Designs show
Overheard by: Fair Hooker
They Beat Him Up and Take His Cheetos
Little boy getting out of car, looking down at curb: There's no rats here, Dad. You can go now, there's no rats.
Dad: Son, get yo' lunch bag.
--95th between 3rd & Lex
Just Stay Put Until the Gentrification Arrives
White guy: Excuse me, sir?
Black guy: What's up papi?
White guy: I'm trying to get to 14th Street.
Black guy: You're in the South Bronx papi.
White guy: Holy shit! How do I get the fuck out of here?
The black guy laughs and walks away.
--149th & 3rd
She's Very Cosmopolitan
Getting on the crowded E at rush hour, a couple from Long Island forces into the train as the doors are closing.
Long Island woman: Come on people, make some room. [To companion] Can you imagine what it's like in that city in Asia, in China I think, what's it called?
Long Island dude: Japan?
Long Island woman: Yeah, Japan, that's the city! They push you into the cars there!
Random suit: You mean like you just pushed all of us?!
--5th Ave E station
Overheard by: Greg the E train rider
What a Bitch
Girl on cell: And then she was all upset cuz she had gotten raped! [laughter] I know, well duh, what did she expect acting like that? Everyone knows you don't take your dog to a dog park right after it ends its period!
--18th & Park
Overheard by: Jen
By That Measure, They're Both Hardcore
Yuppie tween #1: Avril is so hard core.
Yuppie tween #2: Yeah, but Ashlee is way more rock than Avril.
Yuppie tween #1: Avril is, like, ... woah!
Yuppie tween #2: But Ashlee has black hair and sings about her life!
Yuppie tween #1: Avril is so hard core that sometimes I have to plug my ears 'cause it's like, "Avril, you are so hard core!"
--86th & Broadway
Then It's Nothing but Wasteland Until Boston
Columbia girl: I can't believe the 1 is skipping all the stops from 96th to 145th.
Guy: I know. You'll have to transfer at 145th for the downtown.
Subway stops at 145th.
Columbia girl: Is this where Manhattan ends?
--1 train
And They Make Good Snacks
Lady: Excuse me, can I borrow a light?
Tanktop girl: Sure.
Lady: Thank you so much. [Turns and whispers to guy she's with:] See, I told you. I think if you're nice to them, they're nice to you.
Tanktop girl: Tourists are so cute.
--Outside Welcome to the Johnsons, Rivington & Norfolk
Overheard by: djlindee
That Is SO Racist
Boy: Yo, you know what would be cool? If they made black-out instead of white-out.
Girl: Yeah! And yellow-out, too!
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Mary Button
What Wine Goes with That?
Customer: I'm not really much of a meateater. What would you recommend?
Waiter: Another restaurant.
--Peter Luger Steakhouse, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Bet He Can't Make a Zucchini
Kid : What kind of things do you make?
Balloon-twisting clown: Animals, minerals, vegetables. That kind of thing.
--Gramercy Street Fair, 3rd Ave
Time to Lay Off the Red Bull
Girl #1: Uh, so what's with these black lights in the tunnels? Are they doing construction? I feel like I'm in a club or something!
Girl #2: Sweetie, that's daylight.
Girl #1: Oh. But the buildings are glowing!
--1 Train approaching 125th
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
And She's Paper-Trained
Woman petting dogs: Oh, don't you just love these little doggies?
Husband: No. I don't even like you.
--6th & W 18th
Overheard by: djingo
Must Be Runoff from the Self-Tanner
Hot mom: That's because older people get yellow teeth. Daddy is eleven years older than Mommy. And Mommy has very white teeth.
Little girl: Why are they yellow then?
Hot mom: Where?
Little girl: At the top.
--1 train
Overheard by: super-c
It's on the Bonus Track
Rasta steel drum guy: This next song is about the comin' of the Messiah.
Jewish woman: Yeah! We're still waiting!
--Battery Park
Overheard by: Robin Christiansen
But That's, Like, The Worst Hampton!
Jappy girl #1: So like, I couldn't believe what happened to Erica*, but like, I think she'll be ok. I mean, she's gonna marry some guy who went to Penn instead of some guy who went to Princeton, and she'll have a country house in South Hampton instead of like, East Hampton, but I think she'll be ok.
Jappy girl #2: Oh yeah, I think she can handle it.
Jappy girl #1: Poor thing.
--The Dalton School
Overheard by: Vicksburg
In a De-luxe Apartment in the Sky
Two kids are looking at the Dove ad campaign showing Hanna-Barbera characters with new hairdos.
Kid #1: Yo, look at that Jetsons mom's hair.
Kid #2: What's the Jetsons?
Kid #1: You don't know the Jetsons? Dem's those niggas that live in space.
--N train going uptown
At Sunset He Turns Back into a Mermaid
Hobo: Hey girl, wanna marry me?
Girl: [whispering] No, sorry.
Hobo: YES OR NO? Damnit, I don't have forever.
--38th & 8th
Why Asian Girls Hate Memoirs of a Geisha
White girl #1: Look at that Asian girl! She's such a whore!
White girl #2: Dude, there's this Asian girl in my psychology course, she's a whore, too.
An Asian girl: Excuse me? Um, what is your problem? What, do you think all Asians are whores?
A very long pause.
White girl #1: Yes.
--Madison Square Garden
Hope Her Charger Has a Really Long Cord
Hippy girl: So yeah, we are gonna be living in this yurt for a year without electricity or running water or anything. It's all about getting back to our roots and stuff.
Guy: No electricity or anything? What if you have to call someone or something?
Hippy girl: I'll just use my cell phone.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Kelly Ernst
Are You Sure You're in the Class?
Girl #1: That Major English Texts class is ridiculous. You had to memorize soo much.
Girl #2: You're not even in that class! I'm in that class...so I would know. You shouldn't be complaining!
Girl #1: I'm the TA, asshole.
--Columbia University
She Doesn't Know What She's Missing
Jockman: Sweetie, you're being silly. I shaved my legs to be more aerodynamic.
Girlfriend: Don't talk to me.
--F train