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June 2006 Archives
That Peculiar Flare of the Collar Is Only Seen in Southern Florida, Watson
Lady: Are you from Miami?
Girl wearing a Phillies shirt: No, why?
Lady: Your shirt.
--104th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
Patriotic Feces? Old Navy's New Product Line Is Genius!
Black lady with five kids: You can't get anything here. We gots to get to Old Navy to buy us all our Fourth of July t-shirts so we match at the picnic.
Black guy: They have the best deal. Shirts are five dollars each, that's like [counts kids, self, and wife] less than twenty bucks for all of us, and even the baby shit has a flag on it.
--Target, Atlantic Terminal, Brooklyn
Overheard by: lora
But It's Just About Good Enough for an Open Casket
Annoyed friend: Yeah, I like what you did with your hair. Seriously, it's a nice look for you.
Vain guy: Thanks. You know, I'm always amazed at how a good haircut can drive away the usual enthusiasm for suicide.
Annoyed friend: Hold on. It doesn't look that good.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jeremiah
It's How I Make Sure I'm Hydrated
Guy #1: It's never too early for public urination.
Guy #2: Didn't you get a ticket for that once?
Guy #1: Yeah, but that was on the subway.
--11th & Ave A
Overheard by: luilya
I Just Cleared Up That Business With the Houngan
Cashier: $2.99? That's cheap!
Female customer: That ain't cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that's cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don't be puttin' no bad vibe on my condoms!
--Duane Reade, 34th Street
Unless It's a Pleather Cow
A teen girl punches her father repeatedly in the arm.
Older sister: You know he can't feel that, right? He's wearing a leather jacket.
Teen girl: What?
Older sister: Yeah, that's why motorcyclists wear leather, so they don't get their skin scraped off when they go sliding across the pavement.
Teen girl: Oh! So if I punch a cow, it can't feel it?
--The Plaza
No, She's Just Blind
Latina girl with empty seat next to her: This whole ride nobody's sat down in this seat. This bus is gonna be packed before a white person sits in this seat.
Three stops later, a white girl sits down in the seat.
Latina girl, approvingly: Gangsta.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
I Figure If I Can Find One the Right Size, It'll Be Like a Monocle For My Ass
Queer #1: Let's hit the discount button bins on 39th.
Queer #2: Excuse me? That boy fucked you up bad.
Queer #1: What? I love buttons.
Queer #2: You still have some of that joint?
--10th & 6th
Overheard by: isaac
Mommy Prefers to Go There by Herself
Little girl: Where does the H train go, mommy?
Mom: There is no H train.
Little girl: I train?
Mom: No I train either.
Little girl: J train? Where does the J train go?
Mom: To Brooklyn. [Pause] Nowhere we'd ever go.
--F train, between West 4th & 14th
If I Were Adam Sandler I Would Have Asked Satan for My Soul Back Circa Mr. Deeds
Man: Wow, you're here already? That was quick.
Woman: Yeah, if I was Adam Sandler I would have said, "That was click!"
--West 44th St
Overheard by: Tomer Langberg
That Thing You Wrote About Counting
Teen girl #1: I just don't understand why people wait so long to have kids. Then you're so old that you can't relate to them. If I'd had a kid when I was like, eleven, he'd have been three by the time I was fourteen.
Teen girl #2: Yeah. I totally read something about this on your LiveJournal.
--Yaffa Cafe, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Miriam
Are You My Asian/Pacific Islander?
Asian guy: Yo, nigger.
Black guy: Fuck you. You ain't my nigger.
--90th St, Elmhurst
I Can Do It With a Real Penis Now
20-ish thug: Yo, girl, let me get a minute. I wanna buy you a popsicle.
Disgusted teen: I'm thirteen.
20-ish thug: Yeah, I know.
--Union Square station
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Take Me Out to the Hallucination-of-a-Ballgame...
Vendor: Crackerjacks! Crackerjacks!
Very drunk woman: Crackerjacks?! What about LSD??
--Keyspan Park, Coney Island
Overheard by: Jamie
'...A Nation Where They Will Not be Judged by the Color of Their Skin, But by the Blood Alcohol Content of Their Character'
Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana!
Drunk guy: That's not Italian!
Drunk girl: He's not Italian, he's Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!
--30th & 3rd
But It's a Slippery Slope to Eugenics
Teen girl #1: Whoa, are those apples really all in perfect rows?
Teen girl #2: Whole Foods has really out-yuppied itself this time.
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
I Get a Helmeting for Each Party I Refer to Them
Six young guys are trying to check into the Hotel Chelsea late on Saturday night of Pride Weekend.
Desk clerk: Two beds for four men, not six! Not six men for two beds. [Pause] That's a different hotel!
--Hotel Chelsea, W. 23rd St
Oh, Sorry! It Was Just, with the Smell, the Armpit Hair, the Aura of Disdain...
Male pick-up artist: Are you from France?
Girl: No. I'm from Long Island!
--uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Giuseppe
Coincidentally, 'A Fun Place Where Children Can Learn' Was What He Called His Van
Girl: Would you be interested in hearing about a fun place where children can learn?
Man: No, I'm not allowed because I'm a registered felon.
Girl: Well, have a nice day!
--outside SCORE! Educational Center, Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Pfeff
His mom will make you feel guilty about it tomorrow
Girl 1: I just saw, like, 3 cute Jewish-looking guys.
Girl 2: Yeah, that one in the window?
Girl 1: Yeah.
Girl 2: Wanna go touch his butt?--48th and 9thOverheard by: alexie
Headline by: lori
Runners-Up:
· "Boy, if I had a quarter for every time someone said that about me, I'd have.....35 cents." - Adam
· "By That I Mean Marry Him For His Money" - dean morris
· "Diaper Change Time at the Mt. Sanai Maternity Ward..." - Warren Freeman
· "Goy chicks are, like, so daring" - DJG
· "It's only Trayf if you eat him" - djingo
· "Jewish: The Other White Meat" - James
· "Or we could go tweak that catholic-looking guy's nipples" - morgz
· "Pants so tight you can see his religion" - scarfaccio
· "Satan Would Approve" - hl
· "The "Shiksa Shocka"" - Vick
· "Ugh... the cute ones are ALWAYS jewish" - Jnice
· "Yeah, That Wallet Is Huge." - Keith Becker
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Like the Movie Hitchcock Never Bothered to Film
Conductor, over speaker: Excuse me, young lady in the pink shirt. Stop holding the door!
Someone else wearing a pink shirt: But I'm not!
--E train
And Yet I Want to Stab Her with my Apartment Key Approximately 700x Less than I Do Anyone Who Has Ever Said the Word 'Y'all'
Girl #1: Your guys-- Wait how do you pluralize that?
Girl #2: You guyses.
--Kings Highway & Coney Island Ave, Brooklyn
Or You Should Be Good at Math and Stop Talking
Little white boy: Will someone tell him that the Indians were playing the Yankees the other day!!?
Little Indian boy: Will someone tell him that Indians don't play baseball? I should know, I'm Indian!
--2 train
Akeelah and the Bee-Jay
Boy, reading a pamphlet: Umm... Penny-less... Pen-iss.
Girl: It says penis.
Boy: Well, whatever.
Girl: How are you not going to be able to spell something that you have?
Boy: Well, it's gay to know how to spell penis.
--Marble Hill, the Bronx
Overheard by: Angelica Cayne
Boil Wednesday One-Liners for Three Minutes to Sterilize
Thirty-something mom: Just to be clear, it isn't a vibrator. It's just a dildo.
--TKTS line
Guy on cell: So you're expecting the crackhead's knife to be sterilized?
--outside Grand Central
Wednesday One-Liners Give Backhanded Compliments
Guy, to girl: Smart girls are never pretty. That's why you're a dumbass.
--Union Turnpike station platform
Overheard by: Erna
Hobo: Ain't no good here, only cheap. Cheap, cheap, and very cheap. And very beautiful.
--L train, Bedford Ave station
Wednesday One-Liners Need Rubber Sheets
Fat, middle-aged female crossing guard: Every time I do that I shit the bed.
--29th St & 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: JimmyJohn
Guy: I've pissed the bed before. Hell, [gesturing towards girl] I've pissed on her!
--48th & 8th
Wednesday One-Liners for Pride Week, Part II
Guy: If I'm going to swallow sperm it has to be for love. That's just how I feel, man.
--Outside the Wintergarden Theater
Overheard by: Dawn-Kate
Club-hopper: I don't like that bar. But it's a good scene if you want a 700-pound gay Republican sitting on your face.
--Typhoon, 18th & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Wednesday One-Liners with a Side of Egg Roll
Asian girl to her white friend: Oh my God, we have to leave before someone else thinks I work here.
--store in Chinatown
Overheard by: shopper
Man, leading a small group of tourists: We are entering Little Korea. This is where you can find... little Koreans.
--M4 bus, 32nd St.
Wednesday One-Liners Deserve a Helmeting
Girl on cell: I mean is UPS trying to alienate all of New York City? Seriously!
--Prince & 6th
Guy: Is it wrong to break up with someone with a text message? No, right?
--Black and White Bar, 86 E. 10th St.
Overheard by: Andy De Mars
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Forget the Popcorn
Hipster: Aren't you some kind of traitor? You're going to film grad school, and you saw Click on opening night?
--Mondo Kim's, St. Mark's Place
Usher: All ticket holders, please enter the theater. We will not start 'til everyone is seated in your box-office, uh, thing you sit in.
--New York Public Theatre
Wednesday One-Liners Missed the Pride Parade
Bartender: I have absolutely no desire to go to work and make ginger cosmos for a bunch of proud gays.
--Montague & Henry
Foreign guy: He's not gay. He's almost gay. He spends most of his time with a lot of gay actors. But he's not really gay.
--Stairs of the Met
Overheard by: wankerbob
The United Colors of Wednesday One-Liners
Young guy: I was in a spaceship speaking Arabic.
--Chambers & Broadway
White guy on cell: You're Japanese. You should like Swiss.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Lizzerd
Wednesday One-Liners Rise from the Dead
Guy on cell: And you got the vampires from where?
--21st & 9th
Rich young woman: She's a big-time lawyer. You wouldn't know her name or anything, but she's got an office in Rochester, and one in the Twin Towers.
--Metro-North train, Grand Central
Wednesday One-Liners are Off the Map
Guy: Oh my God, look. There is a Duane Reade on the corner of Duane and Reade.
--Reade St
Tourist: Can you tell me where the Empire State Building Is?
--cafe, Empire State Building
Overheard by: dogstar
Wednesday One-Liners for Pride Week
Chubby guy: Hey! Show me your boobs! No, not the girl. I'm gay, I want to see your man boobs! Come on, show me your boobs!
--Outside Chipotle, 8th St.
Queer: I remember back when I was having orgies with, like, 15 or 20 people. And I was having a lot of fun!
--17th & 7th
Overheard by: Sofia
Then They Savagely Beat Me. I Wonder Why I Keep Doing That?
Girl: Hey, I like your hair.
Mohawked guy: People often ask me "What is your hair?" and I say, "What is Dada?"
--MoMA
Overheard by: rebecca
I Don't Have The Heart To Tell Him He Was Imagining Her All Along
Hobo: I wish my girlfriend was here! We went to the supermarket fifteen years ago, and she never came back. "I'll be right back," she said, but she never came back! Sixteen years, and I'm giving up.
--64th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ash
Oops, There Goes My Secret!
Girl #1: How are you so fucking skinny!? All I see you do is eat, eat, and eat some fucking more! We just came from Dunkin fucking Donuts where you had a bagel and a fucking muffin! Now you're eating fucking chocolate! How are you so fucking skinny!? You're a fucking freak of nature!
Girl #2: Yo, shut the fuck up or I'll vomit all over your fat ass!
--Q88 bus
Overheard by: Jackie
Himself... And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts
Drunk white man: Hey, sir. "Knish" is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled "knish" wrong, and I've told you guys before and it still hasn't been fixed. Look, buddy, I've come in here ten times in the last week. I've told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.
Drunk white man storms out.
Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It's knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by "the Jews" he means himself.
--Organic food store, 19th & 3rd
Overheard by: Boo Radley
His Mom Always Said That, Too, But She Meant the Other Kind of Special
Girl: I accidentally got on at the wrong station and my card says "just used." Could you let me through?
MTA employee: You broke the rules. Do you think it's okay to break the rules where you work?
Girl: I'm sorry?
MTA employee: Oh, you must think you're special. Guess what? You're not.
Girl: My mom says I'm special.
--Bergen St. subway, Brooklyn
He Paid for It by Leveraging His Dignity
Limo driver: Here you go, sir.
Donald Trump: Is this the Mercrdes one I wanted?
Limo driver: No, sir, it is a Buick.
Donald Trump: Well, I'll ride in it this time, but next time it better be a Mercedes. I have class.
--Trump Building, Pine & Wall
Live Each Moment as Though You are a Newborn Child
Guy, pushing on the door between cars: Can you not go between cars when it's moving?
Old lady: It's not the subway. You have to pull.
Guy pulls hard on the handle.
Old lady: Turn and pull.
Guy, passing through the door, shouts back loudly over his shoulder: So I push the next one?
--Metro-North, Harlem Line
I Only Flew an Airplane into It
Male intellectual: I was put in a mental hospital when I was fifteen. I still don't know why. I asked a doctor at one point, "Why am I here?" and he said, "Don't worry about it. You're very mentally ill, and it will take you a long time to recover." I said, "But what am I recovering from?" and he just said, "Don't worry about it." I still don't know why I was there. The only reason I can think of is, I have a terrible temper.
Female intellectual: Yes, but sweetie, your temper? It's abnormal. It's not like a human temper. It's insane.
Male intellectual: Well, maybe, but it's not like I blew up the World Trade Center.
--Cafe Henri, Long Island City
I Just Want to Shop for Cheap, Ill-Fitting Clothes
Girl: Do you want to go get some coffee?
Queer: No way! I don't want to feel like a fat whore.
--H&M, Herald Square
Ignorance Is Hell
Black man: It's hotter than Hades out there!
Black woman: Don't insult my country.
--63rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ash
Who Cares -- He Can't Vote, Right?
JAP: Is Miguel Ferrer Hispanic? I mean, I know he's from Puerto Rico, but it says here he doesn't speak Spanish. Does that still make him Hispanic?
--Office, Broadway
Like the One From That Spanking Movie
Girlfriend: I just don't know what else I'd do for a career. I don't know how to do anything else.
Boyfriend: That's silly. You'd be a great secretary!
[Pause]
Boyfriend: What? I mean like a high powered executive secretary.
--1st & 1st
She Means Non-hairy Food
Hobo lady: Can any of y'all help me? I need some food!
Rider lady: Would you like this?
Hobo lady: What the hell is that?
Rider lady: It's a kiwi.
Hobo lady: Bitch! I said I need some food!
--1 train
Overheard by: Owen Jacob Ghitelman
That's What He Gets for Ordering the Ultimate Mudslide
Toddler: Daddy, do you have your period?
Daddy: No. Only mommies get periods.
Mom whispers: Daddy has diarrhea.
Toddler to waitress: Mommy has her period and Daddy has diarrhea!!
--TGI Friday's, Times Square