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June 2006 Archives
That Peculiar Flare of the Collar Is Only Seen in Southern Florida, Watson
Lady: Are you from Miami?
Girl wearing a Phillies shirt: No, why?
Lady: Your shirt.
--104th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
Patriotic Feces? Old Navy's New Product Line Is Genius!
Black lady with five kids: You can't get anything here. We gots to get to Old Navy to buy us all our Fourth of July t-shirts so we match at the picnic.
Black guy: They have the best deal. Shirts are five dollars each, that's like [counts kids, self, and wife] less than twenty bucks for all of us, and even the baby shit has a flag on it.
--Target, Atlantic Terminal, Brooklyn
Overheard by: lora
But It's Just About Good Enough for an Open Casket
Annoyed friend: Yeah, I like what you did with your hair. Seriously, it's a nice look for you.
Vain guy: Thanks. You know, I'm always amazed at how a good haircut can drive away the usual enthusiasm for suicide.
Annoyed friend: Hold on. It doesn't look that good.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jeremiah
It's How I Make Sure I'm Hydrated
Guy #1: It's never too early for public urination.
Guy #2: Didn't you get a ticket for that once?
Guy #1: Yeah, but that was on the subway.
--11th & Ave A
Overheard by: luilya
I Just Cleared Up That Business With the Houngan
Cashier: $2.99? That's cheap!
Female customer: That ain't cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that's cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don't be puttin' no bad vibe on my condoms!
--Duane Reade, 34th Street
Unless It's a Pleather Cow
A teen girl punches her father repeatedly in the arm.
Older sister: You know he can't feel that, right? He's wearing a leather jacket.
Teen girl: What?
Older sister: Yeah, that's why motorcyclists wear leather, so they don't get their skin scraped off when they go sliding across the pavement.
Teen girl: Oh! So if I punch a cow, it can't feel it?
--The Plaza
No, She's Just Blind
Latina girl with empty seat next to her: This whole ride nobody's sat down in this seat. This bus is gonna be packed before a white person sits in this seat.
Three stops later, a white girl sits down in the seat.
Latina girl, approvingly: Gangsta.
--M15 bus
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
I Figure If I Can Find One the Right Size, It'll Be Like a Monocle For My Ass
Queer #1: Let's hit the discount button bins on 39th.
Queer #2: Excuse me? That boy fucked you up bad.
Queer #1: What? I love buttons.
Queer #2: You still have some of that joint?
--10th & 6th
Overheard by: isaac
Mommy Prefers to Go There by Herself
Little girl: Where does the H train go, mommy?
Mom: There is no H train.
Little girl: I train?
Mom: No I train either.
Little girl: J train? Where does the J train go?
Mom: To Brooklyn. [Pause] Nowhere we'd ever go.
--F train, between West 4th & 14th
If I Were Adam Sandler I Would Have Asked Satan for My Soul Back Circa Mr. Deeds
Man: Wow, you're here already? That was quick.
Woman: Yeah, if I was Adam Sandler I would have said, "That was click!"
--West 44th St
Overheard by: Tomer Langberg
That Thing You Wrote About Counting
Teen girl #1: I just don't understand why people wait so long to have kids. Then you're so old that you can't relate to them. If I'd had a kid when I was like, eleven, he'd have been three by the time I was fourteen.
Teen girl #2: Yeah. I totally read something about this on your LiveJournal.
--Yaffa Cafe, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Miriam
Are You My Asian/Pacific Islander?
Asian guy: Yo, nigger.
Black guy: Fuck you. You ain't my nigger.
--90th St, Elmhurst
I Can Do It With a Real Penis Now
20-ish thug: Yo, girl, let me get a minute. I wanna buy you a popsicle.
Disgusted teen: I'm thirteen.
20-ish thug: Yeah, I know.
--Union Square station
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Take Me Out to the Hallucination-of-a-Ballgame...
Vendor: Crackerjacks! Crackerjacks!
Very drunk woman: Crackerjacks?! What about LSD??
--Keyspan Park, Coney Island
Overheard by: Jamie
'...A Nation Where They Will Not be Judged by the Color of Their Skin, But by the Blood Alcohol Content of Their Character'
Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana!
Drunk guy: That's not Italian!
Drunk girl: He's not Italian, he's Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!
--30th & 3rd
But It's a Slippery Slope to Eugenics
Teen girl #1: Whoa, are those apples really all in perfect rows?
Teen girl #2: Whole Foods has really out-yuppied itself this time.
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
I Get a Helmeting for Each Party I Refer to Them
Six young guys are trying to check into the Hotel Chelsea late on Saturday night of Pride Weekend.
Desk clerk: Two beds for four men, not six! Not six men for two beds. [Pause] That's a different hotel!
--Hotel Chelsea, W. 23rd St
Oh, Sorry! It Was Just, with the Smell, the Armpit Hair, the Aura of Disdain...
Male pick-up artist: Are you from France?
Girl: No. I'm from Long Island!
--uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Giuseppe
Coincidentally, 'A Fun Place Where Children Can Learn' Was What He Called His Van
Girl: Would you be interested in hearing about a fun place where children can learn?
Man: No, I'm not allowed because I'm a registered felon.
Girl: Well, have a nice day!
--outside SCORE! Educational Center, Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Pfeff
His mom will make you feel guilty about it tomorrow
Girl 1: I just saw, like, 3 cute Jewish-looking guys.
Girl 2: Yeah, that one in the window?
Girl 1: Yeah.
Girl 2: Wanna go touch his butt?--48th and 9thOverheard by: alexie
Headline by: lori
Runners-Up:
· "Boy, if I had a quarter for every time someone said that about me, I'd have.....35 cents." - Adam
· "By That I Mean Marry Him For His Money" - dean morris
· "Diaper Change Time at the Mt. Sanai Maternity Ward..." - Warren Freeman
· "Goy chicks are, like, so daring" - DJG
· "It's only Trayf if you eat him" - djingo
· "Jewish: The Other White Meat" - James
· "Or we could go tweak that catholic-looking guy's nipples" - morgz
· "Pants so tight you can see his religion" - scarfaccio
· "Satan Would Approve" - hl
· "The "Shiksa Shocka"" - Vick
· "Ugh... the cute ones are ALWAYS jewish" - Jnice
· "Yeah, That Wallet Is Huge." - Keith Becker
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Like the Movie Hitchcock Never Bothered to Film
Conductor, over speaker: Excuse me, young lady in the pink shirt. Stop holding the door!
Someone else wearing a pink shirt: But I'm not!
--E train
And Yet I Want to Stab Her with my Apartment Key Approximately 700x Less than I Do Anyone Who Has Ever Said the Word 'Y'all'
Girl #1: Your guys-- Wait how do you pluralize that?
Girl #2: You guyses.
--Kings Highway & Coney Island Ave, Brooklyn
Or You Should Be Good at Math and Stop Talking
Little white boy: Will someone tell him that the Indians were playing the Yankees the other day!!?
Little Indian boy: Will someone tell him that Indians don't play baseball? I should know, I'm Indian!
--2 train
Akeelah and the Bee-Jay
Boy, reading a pamphlet: Umm... Penny-less... Pen-iss.
Girl: It says penis.
Boy: Well, whatever.
Girl: How are you not going to be able to spell something that you have?
Boy: Well, it's gay to know how to spell penis.
--Marble Hill, the Bronx
Overheard by: Angelica Cayne
Boil Wednesday One-Liners for Three Minutes to Sterilize
Thirty-something mom: Just to be clear, it isn't a vibrator. It's just a dildo.
--TKTS line
Guy on cell: So you're expecting the crackhead's knife to be sterilized?
--outside Grand Central
Wednesday One-Liners Give Backhanded Compliments
Guy, to girl: Smart girls are never pretty. That's why you're a dumbass.
--Union Turnpike station platform
Overheard by: Erna
Hobo: Ain't no good here, only cheap. Cheap, cheap, and very cheap. And very beautiful.
--L train, Bedford Ave station
Wednesday One-Liners Need Rubber Sheets
Fat, middle-aged female crossing guard: Every time I do that I shit the bed.
--29th St & 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: JimmyJohn
Guy: I've pissed the bed before. Hell, [gesturing towards girl] I've pissed on her!
--48th & 8th
Wednesday One-Liners for Pride Week, Part II
Guy: If I'm going to swallow sperm it has to be for love. That's just how I feel, man.
--Outside the Wintergarden Theater
Overheard by: Dawn-Kate
Club-hopper: I don't like that bar. But it's a good scene if you want a 700-pound gay Republican sitting on your face.
--Typhoon, 18th & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Wednesday One-Liners with a Side of Egg Roll
Asian girl to her white friend: Oh my God, we have to leave before someone else thinks I work here.
--store in Chinatown
Overheard by: shopper
Man, leading a small group of tourists: We are entering Little Korea. This is where you can find... little Koreans.
--M4 bus, 32nd St.
Wednesday One-Liners Deserve a Helmeting
Girl on cell: I mean is UPS trying to alienate all of New York City? Seriously!
--Prince & 6th
Guy: Is it wrong to break up with someone with a text message? No, right?
--Black and White Bar, 86 E. 10th St.
Overheard by: Andy De Mars
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Forget the Popcorn
Hipster: Aren't you some kind of traitor? You're going to film grad school, and you saw Click on opening night?
--Mondo Kim's, St. Mark's Place
Usher: All ticket holders, please enter the theater. We will not start 'til everyone is seated in your box-office, uh, thing you sit in.
--New York Public Theatre
Wednesday One-Liners Missed the Pride Parade
Bartender: I have absolutely no desire to go to work and make ginger cosmos for a bunch of proud gays.
--Montague & Henry
Foreign guy: He's not gay. He's almost gay. He spends most of his time with a lot of gay actors. But he's not really gay.
--Stairs of the Met
Overheard by: wankerbob
The United Colors of Wednesday One-Liners
Young guy: I was in a spaceship speaking Arabic.
--Chambers & Broadway
White guy on cell: You're Japanese. You should like Swiss.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Lizzerd
Wednesday One-Liners Rise from the Dead
Guy on cell: And you got the vampires from where?
--21st & 9th
Rich young woman: She's a big-time lawyer. You wouldn't know her name or anything, but she's got an office in Rochester, and one in the Twin Towers.
--Metro-North train, Grand Central
Wednesday One-Liners are Off the Map
Guy: Oh my God, look. There is a Duane Reade on the corner of Duane and Reade.
--Reade St
Tourist: Can you tell me where the Empire State Building Is?
--cafe, Empire State Building
Overheard by: dogstar
Wednesday One-Liners for Pride Week
Chubby guy: Hey! Show me your boobs! No, not the girl. I'm gay, I want to see your man boobs! Come on, show me your boobs!
--Outside Chipotle, 8th St.
Queer: I remember back when I was having orgies with, like, 15 or 20 people. And I was having a lot of fun!
--17th & 7th
Overheard by: Sofia
Then They Savagely Beat Me. I Wonder Why I Keep Doing That?
Girl: Hey, I like your hair.
Mohawked guy: People often ask me "What is your hair?" and I say, "What is Dada?"
--MoMA
Overheard by: rebecca
I Don't Have The Heart To Tell Him He Was Imagining Her All Along
Hobo: I wish my girlfriend was here! We went to the supermarket fifteen years ago, and she never came back. "I'll be right back," she said, but she never came back! Sixteen years, and I'm giving up.
--64th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ash
Oops, There Goes My Secret!
Girl #1: How are you so fucking skinny!? All I see you do is eat, eat, and eat some fucking more! We just came from Dunkin fucking Donuts where you had a bagel and a fucking muffin! Now you're eating fucking chocolate! How are you so fucking skinny!? You're a fucking freak of nature!
Girl #2: Yo, shut the fuck up or I'll vomit all over your fat ass!
--Q88 bus
Overheard by: Jackie
Himself... And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts
Drunk white man: Hey, sir. "Knish" is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled "knish" wrong, and I've told you guys before and it still hasn't been fixed. Look, buddy, I've come in here ten times in the last week. I've told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.
Drunk white man storms out.
Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It's knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by "the Jews" he means himself.
--Organic food store, 19th & 3rd
Overheard by: Boo Radley
His Mom Always Said That, Too, But She Meant the Other Kind of Special
Girl: I accidentally got on at the wrong station and my card says "just used." Could you let me through?
MTA employee: You broke the rules. Do you think it's okay to break the rules where you work?
Girl: I'm sorry?
MTA employee: Oh, you must think you're special. Guess what? You're not.
Girl: My mom says I'm special.
--Bergen St. subway, Brooklyn
He Paid for It by Leveraging His Dignity
Limo driver: Here you go, sir.
Donald Trump: Is this the Mercrdes one I wanted?
Limo driver: No, sir, it is a Buick.
Donald Trump: Well, I'll ride in it this time, but next time it better be a Mercedes. I have class.
--Trump Building, Pine & Wall
Live Each Moment as Though You are a Newborn Child
Guy, pushing on the door between cars: Can you not go between cars when it's moving?
Old lady: It's not the subway. You have to pull.
Guy pulls hard on the handle.
Old lady: Turn and pull.
Guy, passing through the door, shouts back loudly over his shoulder: So I push the next one?
--Metro-North, Harlem Line
I Only Flew an Airplane into It
Male intellectual: I was put in a mental hospital when I was fifteen. I still don't know why. I asked a doctor at one point, "Why am I here?" and he said, "Don't worry about it. You're very mentally ill, and it will take you a long time to recover." I said, "But what am I recovering from?" and he just said, "Don't worry about it." I still don't know why I was there. The only reason I can think of is, I have a terrible temper.
Female intellectual: Yes, but sweetie, your temper? It's abnormal. It's not like a human temper. It's insane.
Male intellectual: Well, maybe, but it's not like I blew up the World Trade Center.
--Cafe Henri, Long Island City
I Just Want to Shop for Cheap, Ill-Fitting Clothes
Girl: Do you want to go get some coffee?
Queer: No way! I don't want to feel like a fat whore.
--H&M, Herald Square
Ignorance Is Hell
Black man: It's hotter than Hades out there!
Black woman: Don't insult my country.
--63rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ash
Who Cares -- He Can't Vote, Right?
JAP: Is Miguel Ferrer Hispanic? I mean, I know he's from Puerto Rico, but it says here he doesn't speak Spanish. Does that still make him Hispanic?
--Office, Broadway
Like the One From That Spanking Movie
Girlfriend: I just don't know what else I'd do for a career. I don't know how to do anything else.
Boyfriend: That's silly. You'd be a great secretary!
[Pause]
Boyfriend: What? I mean like a high powered executive secretary.
--1st & 1st
She Means Non-hairy Food
Hobo lady: Can any of y'all help me? I need some food!
Rider lady: Would you like this?
Hobo lady: What the hell is that?
Rider lady: It's a kiwi.
Hobo lady: Bitch! I said I need some food!
--1 train
Overheard by: Owen Jacob Ghitelman
That's What He Gets for Ordering the Ultimate Mudslide
Toddler: Daddy, do you have your period?
Daddy: No. Only mommies get periods.
Mom whispers: Daddy has diarrhea.
Toddler to waitress: Mommy has her period and Daddy has diarrhea!!
--TGI Friday's, Times Square
Every Long-haired Boy Eventually Runs Screaming to SuperCuts
Unitarian teen: Yeah, we're here for a poverty conference.
Flamboyant MAC salesman: Wow! You guys are so cool! Are there any boys there?
Unitarian teen: Well, really just Keegan.
Flamboyant MAC salesman: Oh my god! Are you a boy? Oh my god, I'm so tripped out! I thought you were some hippy dippy chick or something!
--MAC, Soho
Overheard by: girl in MAC
Are You Offering?
Guy: Yo, so did you do the AIDS walk thing?
Girl: No. I don't have AIDS.
Hobo: Not yet she doesn't.
--Columbus Circle
She Lets Him Have All the Pork
Girl #1: So is he gay yet?
Girl #2: No, but he's dating a Jewish girl.
--Flute, Gramercy
I Just Know Some Girls Who Would Be Mad If They Heard Me Say That
Metro New York lady: Is your girlfriend coming today?
AM New York man: I ain't got none of those.
--Union Square
Scenes from Madame Tussaud's
Tourist #1: Ha! Look at her, she's trying to look just like Bernadette Peters.
Tourist #2: That is Bernadette Peters and she heard you. Can we go now?
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: A tourist who's not clueless.
Wow, what a dick.
Guy: Yeah, these Speedos won't work for me. My dick's too big for them. They never fit right.
Shopgirl: I've never seen a customer with that problem. Let's see what else fits your.. you.
--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway
Headline by: jgordon
Runners-Up:
· "A cock and bull story" - Guy
· "Finally, it matters." - Ben Allaire
· "Try to contain yourself" - Jenny
· "We'll just ignore the fact that your ass is too big for them, too" - Silvyr
· "Talk about a suspicious package..." - girlhattan
· "Clerks III: Bigger, Longer, Uncut" - JB
· "Everybody Wants to Fit In" - Dave Barnette
· "Pop Goes The Weasel" - Paul
· "He has the same problem with hats" - Kendal
· "If she keeps talking like that, they'll fit even worse." - bill
· "Quite a Pickle" - Dave Barnette
· "Speedon't" - Sean McGurr
· "Too big for his britches" - suzie g
· "I am one size fits all" - twosko
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Rosebuds or Cherry Blossoms?
Girl #1: Oh, look at the beautiful flowers.
Girl #2: They look like a man's asshole!
--Key Foods, 4th & A
Overheard by: mikey
Damn That Whole Foods Hot Bar
Commuter dude #1: The cars on this line feel smaller.
Commuter dude #2: Yeah, it's like they're narrower by just a bit or something.
Commuter dude #1: Oh wait; I think people are just fatter.
--1 train, Upper West Side
So Go Faux-Dolce Trawling Somewhere Else
Loud tourist on silent train: Oh my god. My hands are so dirty from being in Chinatown. This city is the dirtiest place on the planet. If you stuck my hands in a big-ass petri dish, you better believe there would be some monstrous germs on there the next day. Ew, Chinatown smells so bad. Like rotten fish. Why is it so hot here? God, no one in Chinatown has air conditioning. My pits are so smelly. Ugh, I stink. But not worse than Chinatown.
--6 train uptown, Canal St
Or, "I Enjoy Diversity, Within Reason"
Girl #1: I can't wait until we move to Brooklyn Heights. It's the part of Brooklyn that says, "I'm an adult, not a hipster."
Girl #2: You mean, it's the part that says, "I can afford to live in Manhattan, I just don't want to."
--6 train downtown
The Date or the Suit?
Chick #1: Is that George W. Bush?
Chick #2: Really? Where?
Chick #1: Oh no, wait. It's Mayor Bloomberg.
Chick #2: I was gonna say, that would be a step up for him!
--Nederlander Theatre, W41st
Overheard by: Dani B
Nothing's Too Good for the Art-buying Public
Gallery owner: So I don't think the wine looks enough like blood. Maybe we should use real blood.
Assistant #1: Um, yeah, maybe we could use pig's blood from the butcher?
Owner: No, I think we could buy it from the blood bank.
Assistant #2: That's disgusting.
--Mike Weiss Gallery, 24th St
More Contagious Than Ambition, Apparently
Asian girl: Where do you want to go to college?
Greek girl: Huh, You have pink eye? My brother had that. It's mad contagious.
--Bronx High School of Science
She Reminds Me So Much of Her Mother
Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don't really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she's always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin' all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don't control what she does.
--87th & 1st
Overheard by: K. Fung
It Would Deprive Her of the Pleasure
Girl: Man, I feel like shit.
Guy: Why?
Girl: What if he was seriously hurt?
Guy: Huh?
Girl: I've been thinking about breaking up with him, and what if he had died?
Guy: It'd save you the trouble?
--PS 321, Park Slope
No, Behind Him, in the Hot Dog Suit
Guy #1: Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw!
Guy #2: Dis game aint no thang. Think about it man. How many brothers you see out here?
Guy #1: How about the cuz sittin' at first base?
Guy #2: Yo, he Spanish.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Terrence Reasons
Better Get It To Go
Man: Excuse me, waitress!
Barista: I'm not a waitress.
Man: Kidding... What's your name?
Barista: Alyenne.
Man: Do you spell that like "Alien"?
Barista glares.
Man: Kidding...
--168th & Broadway
It's Ok, We All Have Short Attention Spans, Too
Little English girl: Where are we now, Mummy?
English Mummy: We're in New York, in America.
Little English girl: [sigh] We're still in America?
--Union Square East
Overheard by: Manhattman
And Her Sisters, While You're at It
Black guy #1: No son, you're cousins by marriage. It's not blood, so it's like you not even related. That shit doesnt count, son.
Black guy #2: Oh, for reals? So I can fuck with her and shit?
--F train
Overheard by: pearlywhirly
Kids, Can You Find Five Things Wrong with This Corpse?
Girl #1: How much dead dick do we have to look at today?
Girl #2: This has to be fake. There's no way any man this small was packing that much heat down there.
--Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Catherine
That Explains the Boots but Not the Crop
College girl: Oh. Did you use to ride horses as a kid?
Jappy guy: No. I'm just rich
--12th & 5th
Overheard by: Mehler
What About Those of Us Who Don't Like Fleas?
Little kid: But why can't I play on the slide?
Dad: Because they want to have a fleamarket instead.
Kid: But why?
Dad: Because some people don't like kids.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: cathy hannan
Even the Fans Inject
Dad: Ok, ok, it's two outs, we'll go after this batter.
Boy: Dad, I want water!
Dad: You know what I see? An impatient little boy who can't wait five minutes.
Boy: You know what I see? Someone who's gonna have their face broken because they didn't have any water!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Becka Dash
West Virginia or Guantanamo
Sista #1: Looka there! A naked squirrel! Look like he got burnt or somebody shaved him down the middle.
Sista #2: People be eatin' squirrels now.
Sista #1: Look like he have a mohawk.
Sista #2: It's a little squirrel torture place somewhere. Somebody done that to him.
Sista #1: It'd have to be someone who was raised in the woods. Know how to handle a squirrel.
--Union Square
Overheard by: lost soul
F-ing Canadians and Their Fake Money
Woman: How much will a tenner-worth be?
Dealer: Ehh, I think it's fifteen bucks.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Fin dog mcsexy pants
Never Let Your Kids Read Freud
Father: And that's where Mommy is.
Little boy: That's where the penis is!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: E.B. Dresner
She Meant Anal Virgin
Girl #1: Yo, it'd be so cute if we both lost our virginity this weekend.
Girl #2: But you're not a virgin
Girl #1: Oh, right. Dammit.
Bum: If you ain't a virgin, you must be a ho! Don't come back to this church. This is God's place.
--St. John the Divine
Overheard by: a fox
That Wasn't Blues, It Was PMS
Girl, looking at a David Smith sculpture: This is very Picasso.
Guy: Yeah. Like...blues. Remember that period he had?
--Guggenheim
Overheard by: Kate
Maybe Next Lifetime, Or Next Girlfriend
Guy: And there's one more thing you could say. It's "I love you."
Girl, looking through her purse: Ha ha, I know, one sec.
--Tompkins Square Park
You Could Import Them
Salad wench: So, you got any kids?
Queer: Honey, what I do don't make babies.
--Cosi, 6th & 42nd
Or When You Finally Found Your Birth Mom
Intern #1: Yeah, so they finally let me go watch bankruptcy court yesterday.
Intern #2: What was it like?
Intern #1: Everyone was black except me. It kind of felt like when I ride the subway at night.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: James
That's Britney's Plan
Fat hipster: Yeah, then I would get fat and evil.
Skinny punkster: True, but that's how you get laid.
--Bryant Park
If She Says a Swingline Stapler, Hire Her. Or Smack Her.
Girl: I have another interview at 3:00 today.
Guy: Didn't you already hire someone?
Girl: Yeah, but this is that Harvard grad. I want to know which office supply she would be.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Peter H
Ask a Stupid Question...
Girl on cell: So, guess where I am. No, I'm coming out to visit you! Well, okay, can I stay with you for a few days? I got kicked out of my apartment. I'll find a new one soon. Why what? Oh, why did I get kicked out? Well, I crashed my landlord's Ferrari...Well, I was drinking. You know me!
--Penn Station, LIRR
I Guess Skoal Doesn't Count
A kid is trying to get bubblegum off his face.
Kid #1: Yo, you know you can use an ice cube to get that off.
Kid #2: Where the fuck am I supposed to get an ice cube now? Besides, how's that gonna help?
Kid #1: Dumbass. When the gum is cold it's not sticky anymore. Haven't you ever chewed gum in the shower?
--Uptown 6 train
Overheard by: Bert
Now We Understand Her Choice of Boyfriends
Girl on cell: Oh my god, I've been having the shittiest day today. No, it has nothing to do with our conversation this morning. Listen, believe it or not, I can have a shitty day that has nothing to do with you...Ugh, I have no idea why I called you. [hangs up] My fucking dad. I can't even get a sympathy "it's all rainbows and bunnies" phone-hug from him!
--Union Square W & 15th
Overheard by: someone who knows how she feels
Both, Plus a Touch of LaToya Jackson
Guy: I'm looking for something Onassis-like.
Salesgirl: Jackie or Ari?
--Sunglass Hut, Spring & W Broadway
Overheard by: Bette Davis Eyes
It's All for the Children
Girl #1: I have to go to a wine-tasting tonight for some charity.
Girl #2: What's the charity?
Girl #1: I don't know, some kind of dystrophy.
--In front of the Time Warner Center, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Frances E. Flynn
I Think I've Got It Figured Out
Old lady #1: So you're gonna pour gasoline on him, and I'm gonna light the match.
Old lady #2: Mm hmm.
--114th & 5th
Overheard by: robin b
Those Shoes Say Otherwise
Woman holding baby: Excuse me, what did you say?
Woman with clipboard: I asked you if you would like to join the Democratic Party.
Woman holding baby: No, I'm not poor!
--Washington Square Park
Before the Ceremony Last Week, She Was Latina
Guido: Ya know, you're very cute.
Asian chick: Um, thanks?
Guido: Wanna sit with me on the train?
Asian chick: No, I'm good.
Guido: Can I getcha numba?
Asian chick: Uh, no, sorry. I just converted. I, um, only go out with Asians now.
--Penn Station
Who Said Anything About a Small Dick?
Queer #1: My friend Sarah is usually into guido jock boys, and it never works out. Now she's with a short guy with a belly who's losing his hair, and she's never been happier.
Queer #2: I guess, but having a short fat guy with a small dick fuck your asshole until it bleeds just isn't the same.
--51st & 9th
Actually, for Any Guy in Eyeliner
Straight guy #1: I love Queen.
Straight guy #2: Yeah, Queen is awesome.
Straight guy #3: I would totally go gay for Freddy Mercury. I'm just throwing that out there.
--22nd & 7th
Overheard by: Lolito
With His Girlfriend and Her Drug Dealer, As Usual
Mom: So I talked to the lawyers this morning, honey, and when school is done, we're going to move into the Hampton house.
5-year-old son: Is Daddy coming?
Mom: No sweetie, he is going to stay in the city.
--71 Irving Place Coffee & Tea Bar
Overheard by: DBG
Not as Annoying as My Daddy Never Speaking English
An ice cream truck is going up the street.
Little girl in wagon: Daddy, that truck song is annoying.
Hipster dad: Yes, the commodification of your desires is annoying, isn't it?
--Bedford & N 10th
Overheard by: susan
And Because They're a Great Way to Have Tuna
Incredibly Jappy woman #1: I'm looking forward to using these bath melts I made.
Incredibly Jappy woman #2: Bath melts?
Incredibly Jappy woman #1: Yeah, I call them bath melts because "bath bombs" really doesn't seem PC.
--JCC, 76th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Kimberly Ballinger
Watch What You Say -- They're Everywhere
Girl #1: But, like, why do all the gay guys have to be so hot?
Girl #2: I know. At least all the lesbians are ugly!
--Times Square
Because Real Blow-up Dolls Have Gotten So Expensive
Guy #1: Yo, did you just check out the vagina on that mannequin?
Guy #2: Yeah, is that weird?
Guy #1: Nah, I did too.
--57th & 5th
Overheard by: alex
Ask Him About His Glass Eye
Man: You know, there was this electric wheelchair woman, she saw the bus coming and like, zipped right in front of us so we couldn't get on.
Bus driver: Yeah man, they're fast, those electric ones.
Man: Yeah.
Bus driver: And vicious.
--M15 bus downtown
Overheard by: running late for work
They Usually Go Together
Girl: So yeah, my body is basically covered with bruises.
Guy: You mean because of the drinking, the performing, and the violent sex?
Girl: Yeah.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Richard
"The Bronx" Is What He Calls It, Too
Black guy #1: I've been banging her for four weeks now.
Black guy #2: Word!
Black guy #1: Yo, I just found out Ty was banging her, too.
Black guy #2: Man! You can take the ho out of the Bronx but you can't take Bronx out of the ho.
--F train platform, Bryant Park station
Overheard by: Sal S.
How Little Is Little?
Guy #1: What if it's a crime or something?
Guy #2: So what? It's not like you're a rapist or anything. It's not like you had sex with a little girl, right?
--Prospect Park
Wow, the Guy from the Romance Novels!
Kid behind a guy in a Fubu jersey: Dad, who's Fubu?
Dad: That's the guy's name, son
--Penn Station
Depends on the Face
Barfly: It was a term of endearment.
Bouncer: A term of endearment is not punching someone in the face.
--2x4, 2nd Ave & 4th St
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor (and Foley)
Headline by: Dave Barnette
Runners-Up:
· "And Assault Isn't A Spice, Either" - Kathy
· "Aww, you just feel left out." - Alaine
· "He Said He Wanted Another Hit" - Playtah
· "He's playing hard to get" - Jeri Rosenblum
· "C'mon, it's not like she was pregnant..." - laura c
· "It doesn't count if you don't leave a mark." - Scott
· "Welcome to New York" - shorty
· "Another dropout from the school of hard knocks" - jm
· "Barflies Mate Every 48 Hours" - red
· "No, That's a Term of Three To Ten" - Boyhowdy
· "Dad has a lot of explaining to do" - Mr. Uncreative
· "For endearment, you tend to go for the groin" - ruth
· "Tyler Durden: The Final Years" - Mr. Nobody
· "Punchline" - Robert Katz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Ever Since They Stopped Using Asbestos in Beanie Babies
White guy: FAO Schwarz used to be a fun place to hang out.
Black guy: Yeah.
White guy: They've changed it, though. It doesn't smell the same.
--57th & 6th
Overheard by: Mark F.
A Scene from the Latest Leslie Nielsen Movie
Guy: My eye won't stop twitching.
Girl: Maybe you should have thought of that before you wiped sarin on the counter. Oh, oops, I just realized that the subway is a bad place to talk about work.
--E train
How to Bring Your Kids Up Gay
Boy: Mommy, is make-up just for girls?
Mom: Make-up is for girls and really fabulous boys.
--Eckerd, Rockaway Blvd & Liberty Ave, Ozone Park
Overheard by: MadLizard
Nah, She's Married to Seal
Guy: You're married, right?
Woman: Yes.
Guy: I'm too black and ugly for you anyways, right?
--Park Avenue
Overheard by: Skid
Wednesday One-liners Have Had It Up to Here
Hot queer in suit: I swear if one more thing goes wrong, I'm just going to pull my skirt over my head and scream!
--Broadway & 51st
Guy: It's almost enough to make me try women.
--8th between 39th & 40th
Wednesday One-liners, Dates Gone Wrong
Girl on cell: The alcoholic who waved a shotgun at you on Valentine's Day? That's who's taking you to the Al-Anon meeting?
--Bowery & Houston
Girl on cell: The two guys you slept with -- their friend told me to tell you that he has herpes.
--42rd & Lex
Wednesday One-liners Watch What They Eat
Fortysomething dude: Don't tell me I don't know about metabolism! I have known about metabolism my entire life. Metabolize yourself!
--The Gate, Park Slope
Overheard by: Moochy and D-Rock
Girl on cell: I don't want to talk about your eating disorder every fucking time we talk!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: mondo man
Wednesday One-liners Seek Medical Attention
Doctor: Well, I can't guarantee that after the circumcision it will look exactly like what you described.
--New York Presbyterian Hospital
Guy: I need to see a doctor. I'm not dying, but I have a leaking, stinking navel.
--Doctor's office, 67th & Amsterdam
Wednesday One-liners Are Backseat Curators
Woman: It's not interactive. It's just active. It's not inter.
--Cooper-Hewitt National Design Museum
Overheard by: Kristen
Guy: Wow! It's so old!
--Egyptian exhibit, The Met
Overheard by: BKLYN
Wednesday One-liners for Special Events
Guy on cell: Get the hell out of here! I just can't believe that someone would go to a baptism just to start a fight.
--65th & 1st
Woman walking alone in a wedding dress and veil, on cell: Yeah, I got kicked out.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: yum
The Unusual Proclivities of Wednesday One-liners
Guy: Give me a break, she's into scat! She'll eat shit, but she won't lick some ketchup off my hand?
--Folsom Street East
Hipster chick: I didn't get spat on. I wanted to real bad. But it didn't happen.
--3rd & St. Marks
Overheard by: robothater
Wednesday One-liners Are a Matter of Opinion
Ethan Hawke: Man, everybody's fat.
--Employees Only, Hudson St
Overheard by: molly
Guy on cell: But you're not fat in America!
--Ozzie's Coffee III, 5th Ave, Park Slope
CSI: Wednesday One-liners
Teen girl: Ooh, take a picture. Someone got stabbed here last night!
--Outside the W, Times Square
Overheard by: melissa
Asian tranny on cell: But we never smelt nothing cause we didn't even know the body was there!
--51st & 9th
Wednesday One-liners in the Family Way
Woman: She thinks she's so special cause she's pregnant. Try being 35 and not pregnant! That's harder to do!
--81st & Amsterdam
Very pregnant woman, standing on the subway, stares at a young black guy who took the last seat.
Young black guy: What do you want lady? I didn't get you that way!
--Union Square station
Wednesday One-liners Know What You Like
Girl on cell: Yeah, baby, I'm all alone in my apartment on my bed. I'm taking my panties off now. Mmm, I'm touching myself, thinking of you. I'm all wet for you, baby.
--outside Starbucks, 54th & Broadway
Suit on cell: Yes, I'm wearing suspenders.
--Wall & Broadway
Overheard by: Alexis
Wednesday One-liners Don't Go There
Hobo: That's it. I'm revokin' ya hood pass! Don't go past a hundred and tenth!
--80th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Jeremy Cristol
White girl on cell: I can't take the subway now, it's 10 o'clock. I'm not black.
--67th & 2nd
It's Just Like the Old Days
Man #1: Man, all these stabbings and killings, man.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: But you know, that's every summer.
--Myrtle & Marcy, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Brendan Rogak
That's the Idea
Girl #1: Ugh, I hate the teabag.
Girl #2: Oh, I love it! You've got to embrace the teabag!
--W 10th & Greenwich
Not Quite Ready for the Vows Page
Girl: We're together.
Guy: We are?
Girl: For now.
--The Bag House, 12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tina T. Lin
She's Looking for a Reason to Do the Song
Mother: Honey, is this 42nd Street?
Father: Peggy, have you not lived in this goddamn city for 32 years?
Mother: Yes, but... I'm just curious. Is it? Just tell me.
Father to daughter: Tell your mother I'm not answering that question.
--Outside Grand Central
Let's See: One, Two, Three...Two...
Girl: Okay, so how many of the people here do you think have noticed that we're high?
Guy: Mmmm, five of them.
Girl: There are only five people in the store.
Guy: Then... All of them.
--Lafayette
It Used to Take Longer to Be Misunderstood
Little girl playing a Nintendo DS: Yes! Yes!
Mother: What happened?
Little girl: Never mind, Mom. You just wouldn't understand.
--E train
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
iPod Suicide Rates Up; Experts Blame Dave Matthews Band
Girl #1: Oh my gawd, that guy just dropped his iPod under the train!
Girl #2: He's not even crying!
Girl #1: He must be in shock. I would be!
--Penn Station, LIRR
Drunks Make the Best Gawker Stalkers
Drunk to the fat guy from Lost: Oh shit, nigga. I guess your ass got off the island, huh?
Old Jewish lady: I knew it!
--6 train updown
Overheard by: Zdub
Deadbeat Dad's Day III: Overseas Edition
Old veteran: Have a Happy Father's Day!
Dad: Happy Father's Day to you, too.
Old veteran: Me? Oh no, not me. Well, maybe in Saigon.
--58th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Alvin Khaled
Sounds Like an Average Saturday Night
Large black man on cell: So, I figured out what happened. Ebony was at the drug house with the first lesbian, but then that other lesbian that she stole two dollars from came. So that's where you came in. And....hey? Are you there? Mom? Mom?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Lauren Sneath
Next Time, Keep Listening 'til You Get a Number
Guy: Well, what do you really want out of life?
Girl: Umm.
Guy: Besides hardcore sadomasochistic sex.
Girl: People are totally listening to this conversation.
Guy: No, they're really not.
--Benny's Burritos, Ave A
Overheard by: Djlindee
They Have It, But They Call It Schmeer
Girl #1: I can't believe that CVS didn't have paint! How about Bagel Art? That place should have paint.
Girl #2: That says Bagel Mart.
Girl #1: No, it doesn't!
Girl #2: Move a little to your left.
Girl #1: Bagel...Mart. Oh. So then what does it have?
--Gigi's Pizzeria, Whitestone
Overheard by: Liz
Time for New Friends
Girl #1: How much does he want?
Girl #2: Ten dollars.
Girl #1 to gypsy cab: Fuck you! I'd rather drag my friend home on her face than pay you ten dollars!
--Union Square East
Overheard by: Jim
I Guess Today They're Riding
Old black lady: Oh lord, Satan's children are walking the streets
Goth kid: Shut the fuck up, Rosa Parks. Go sit in the back of the fucking bus!
--M86 bus
Overheard by: Metal Martyr
It Was Going to Be a Present for Someone Special
Tourist: Will you take $20 for that bag?
Street vendor: Twenty? You've got nerve. I'll pray for you.
Tourist: Pray that someone is stupid enough to pay more than twenty bucks for that plastic piece of shit.
--52nd & Madison
I Think There's a Flaw Here Somewhere
Teen: This car is stolen.
Man: What the fuck you talking about?
Teen: I got a StolenCarReport on my phone about this car being stolen.
Man: Muthafucka, you about to get your phone stolen.
--Montague & Hicks, Brooklyn Heights
Memories of the Meth Years
Black lesbian: I've been in this neighborhood for so long.
Black gay guy: Mhh-hmmmh.
Black lesbian: Oh man! See that brownstone? Years ago I was invited to a wedding reception there. It was awesome. Beautiful. I was sitting right up front and laughing and crying with the rest of the family, like, I love you ladies! Damn, to this day, I still don't know how the hell I got there, or who those bitches were.
--Bleecker & Christopher
Overheard by: grrryphon
He Was Just Browsing
Man: The yogurt won't fall. I'm straight.
Woman: You are straight!
Man: I am straight... now.
Woman: Thank god that's over.
Man: Let's get out of here before the whole thing collapses.
--Food Bazaar, Williamsburg
Happy Father's and Deadbeat's Day II
Guido kid: I wish that dad was here.
Guido kid's mom: I do too, because the fat fuck owes me a thousand dollars
--Penn Station, NJ Transit
Overheard by: waiting for his 6:14 train
A Bronx Tail
Teen girl #1, looking at subway ad: Yo, that shit be following me everywhere!
Teen girl #2: The giraffe...?
Teen girl #1: That shit follows me everywhere.
Teen girl #2: That's because it's summertime.
Teen girl #1: Who wants to go to the Bronx Zoo?! --A trainOverheard by: someone who wants to go to the Bronx Zoo
Headline by: Emily
Runners-Up:
· "And you thought the GUYS there were creepy..." - Em
· "Apparently, when nature calls, she hangs up the phone" - Elisabeth
· "Better Than Cats!" - Christin
· "Better that than the old guy touching himself in the corner" - Dan
· "I thought the subway always smelled like that" - Justin L
· "It's all part of their plan" - Rich
· "It's better than being stalked by the guy in 'Bodies'" - Neill
· "Rehab's a Bitch" - Playtah
· "Smarter than the average bear - but only slightly" - C J
· "Somewhere an Advertising Executive Just Wet His Pants" - jay
· "Subliminal Text Messaging" - Jill
· "The one place it won't follow me!" - jnice
· "The pink elephants had the day off" - Roy
· "The zoo always has the best shit." - Adam
· "They are SO voted off the Ark" - Emily
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Fresh New Face to Mean Girl: Two Years
Production assistant: Lindsay, we need you right away.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Don't talk to me like I'm some kind of normal person!
--7th Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Ethan
Anthropology Majors at 4AM
Chinese guy: I hear people in third world countries are so hungry they eat people.
White girl: I know. I wonder, like, whether they have a conscience about it.
Chinese guy: Well, I imagine they don't eat their own children, you know? Probably just someone else's. It would be easier to do that, I think.
White girl: Yeah, I totally agree.
--Columbia University
Applied Math Majors at 2AM
Black dude #1: Hey, snowflakes!
Black dude #2: Wanna drink some nigga juice tonight?
White chick #1 to friend: Are you sure you feel safe walking back by yourself?
White chick #2: Yeah, I usually don't get harassed this much. I think it's just because there are two of us.
White chick #1: So it's exponential?
White chick #2: Exactly. Right now, we're whiteness, squared.
--116th & Lex
Overheard by: blinded by the light
Some People Find Pedophilia Very Spiritual
Teen ghetto girl #1: But you're 15! That's 5 years. You'd be like a pedophile.
Teen ghetto girl #2: It's not like I'm looking for a relationship. I just wanna bone.
Teen ghetto girl #1: I need to bring you to church. You need every kind of religion there is.
--1 train
Overheard by: inge
That's Going to Be Great Advice in Kindergarten
Little kid: Mommy...Mommmmmyyyyyy! I have got to poop!
Mom: Would you please just crap in your pants and quit screaming about it already!
--9th between 1st & A
Overheard by: Katie
Psychoanalysis at Deep Discount Prices
Guy: Let me ask you something: A lady sits down next to you on the train and you keep inching towards me. Why? When a lady sits down, you inch towards her, not me! Why are you inchin' towards me? What's wrong with New Yorkers, all scared of women?
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: Alana C
Don't Blame the Victim
Chick #1 It's not like I told him I wasn't wearing underwear. He asked me. I was so offended!
Chick #2: But you don't wear underwear, and you were wearing a see-through top.
Chick #1: OK, that's totally not the point.
--1 train uptown platform, 28th St
Sausage or Smoked Salmon?
Girl #1: I don't know if my sister is a lesbian or not.
Girl #2: I thought she was.
Girl #1: Yeah, but the other day some guy was like, oh yeah, your sister dated Nick for a long time, and now all I know is that she's dating someone who makes omelettes. Omelettes are manly, right?
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: djingo
Making Learning Fun
Girl: Why do you watch so much King of the Hill, anyway?
Hipster guy: I don't know. I guess I just like Texas history.
--Virgin Megastore, Times Square
Happy Father's and My Man's a Deadbeat Day
Conductor: To all the men on the train, Happy Father's Day. And to all the ladies on the train who wear two hats, Happy Father's Day to you, too.
--1 train
Overheard by: Eli Feldblum
Wait, Back Up to the Chalupa Date
Girl: Taco Bell is fifty cents, but I don't want to go to Taco Bell for a date.
Guy: Have you noticed that if you say "Taco Bell" enough, it starts to sound funny?
Girl: Taco Bell.
Guy: Taco Bell. It sounds like a battle of the Civil War.
Girl: The Battle of Taco Bell.
--Threepenny Opera, Studio 54
I Missed My Stop Again?
Tourist #1: Wait, where are we?
Skater kid: Fuckin' Earth man, fucking Earth.
Tourist #2: Wait, where?
--Bethesda Fountain, Central Park
Liza Minnelli at 15
Teen girl #1: What are we doing here?
Teen girl #2: Looking at handsome gay guys.
Teen girl #1: Why?
Teen girl #2: Because they're more fun than straight guys, and they like it when you look at them.
--Christopher Street Pier
Overheard by: brad
You Gotta Fight for Your Right
Girl: So did you ask your mom if you can go to the party or not?
Guy: Oh yeah! She said yes. But she made me promise to not come home this time with no pants on.
Girl: Seems fair.
--Rite Aid, Lex Ave
Overheard by: Jack
You've Seen Pulp Fiction Too Many Times
Black guy: ...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
White guy: Are you trying to mug me or what?
--7 train, 74th St Roosevelt
Inner Peace Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be
Woman #1: Ma'am, could you please move your bag so I could sit down?
Woman #2: No, can't you see I'm busy, bitch? And I'm not movin this fuckin' thing. It's heavy and I don't want to pick it up again! Sit somewhere else.
She goes back to reading Jesus and Mary: The Key to Divine Love and Inner Peace.
--149th St station downtown platform
You Just Can't Get Good Help These Days
Skateboarder on cell: I was just at the spot and there was no car. Fuck, I know what a car looks like and it wasn't there. Are you sure it was a white Lexus? Fuck you, it wasn't there. I got eyes, you know. Well then fuck off and go buy your own damn drugs!
--3rd Ave & 9th St
He'll Never Get a Woman Pregnant That Way
Guy #1: Is it disgusting that I think pregnant women are sexy?
Guy #2: Not necessarily.
Guy #1: Like that woman there. That round belly makes me want to come all over her face.
Guy #2: Okay, that is disgusting.
--Trader Joe's, 14th St
Overheard by: Also Disgusted
I Bet It Was an HMO
Guy #1: So when I started telling him my feelings on the Iraq war, he rolled over to me in his wheelchair and started cursing me out. He was going on about his time in Vietnam and how there are things about war I'll never understand.
Guy #2: That sucks.
Guy #1: I was like, "Whoa. You're my shrink! I'm paying you to listen to me!"
Guy #2: Seriously.
Guy #1: Well, at least the co-pay was only $15. But anyway, I'm definitely not going back to him.
--Von, Bleecker & Elizabeth
Overheard by: Blondie
Come Back 65 Million Years Ago
Woman: Is there a specific exhibit you'd like to see?
Man: Yeah, I want to see the dinosaurs!
--The Met
Overheard by: Susie
Amazing Insight. Wanna Screw?
White guy: There are many Africans where I live. I like them, because they're more spiritual.
Chinese girl: They're closer to nature.
--Verb Cafe, Bedford & N 7th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Outmacked
Maybe After Eight or Nine Stellas
Skinny JAP: Omgosh! Let's go watch the World Cup! Like, we'll see witchcraft...magic...stuff.
Fat JAP: Oh yeah, totally. That stuff from Harry Potter.
--Greenwich & North Moore
Overheard by: Alyson Leigh
It's All About the Facial Hair
Girl: But also Chuck Norris.
Guy: Well, that's a given.
Girl: I know, I just like saying his name.
Guy: Gives you a little rush?
Girl: You don't know the half of it.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Michelle
Watch Out for Her Switchblade and Spicy Cooking
White guy: Is it true that Mexicans carry knives?
Mexican girl: Shut up before I bust into a stereotype on your ass.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Sol
How Hollywood Hurts Our Youth
Kid on stool: Mom, can I jump off and be Naaaaaaacho?
Mom: You already broke your arm. You can't be Nacho right now.
--Duane Reade, 96th & Broadway
It Could Be Worse (It Could Be Nerve)
Girl on cell: You have to just ask him. But you have to ask him to his face so you can see his reaction. Just look him in the eye and say, "Dad, are you on Match.com?" and see if he looks surprised. You just have to confront stuff like that.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: uncle frank
Consider It an Investment, Just Like a Lottery Ticket
Drunk guy: It doesn't mean anything! It's just green paper! It doesn't mean anything!
Woman #1: Then why don't you throw it out?
Drunk guy: Fine! [Throws bill onto subway tracks] If it means so much to you, why don't you go get it?
Woman #1: Yo, that was five-dollar bill!
Woman #2: For reals?
Train comes and passes.
Drunk guy: Hey, it's gone. ..Where's my money?
--Franklin St station
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Didn't You Get the Gift Basket?
Man: Hey! It's so great to run into you! I haven't heard from you in so long!
Woman: Yeah, that's because you didn't call me after we slept together.
--50th between 5th & 6th
At Least We Talk French
Girl #1: ...maybe a tattoo. We should get tattoos.
Girl #2: I find those people, them, to be low class.
Girl #1: But we are low class.
Girl #2: Touche.
--6 train, Union Square
Overheard by: somethingnew
_UCK O__, YOU _RAZY _UNT
Black woman: You look like Vanna White.
White girl: Really?
Black woman: Don't she look like Vanna White?
Queer: Yes, but better.
Black woman: What do you mean better! Vanna is rich and shit. And on TV. And this bitch over here has nothing. She's on the subway, for Christ's sake!
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: JR
Color Me Beautiful Changed His Whole Worldview
Woman #1: What's he wear now?
Woman #2: He's completely switched. Now he likes to wear button-down shirts with cufflinks.
Woman #1: That probably looks much better. His face is way too brown to be goth.
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Pete
Have an Inconvenient Day
Tourist: Is this the way to the subway?
Guard: No. You need to go west of 49th.
Tourist: Can I go down there anyway?
Guard: No. There's a special event.
Tourist: Please? We're from California.
Guard: No. Welcome to New York.
--Rockefeller Center
Plus, Her Other Boyfriend Already Has One
Girl #1: So it's my beer pong table, right? If we ever break up, I get the table?
Guy: Well, half of it.
Girl #1: Noo! If you're going to cut it in half, you can have it. I don't want to see the table ruined. I care about beer pong that much.
Girl #2: Wow, it's like the Judgment of Solomon.
--1 train
Overheard by: djlindee
I Didn't Know Brothels Served Food
Guy: You guys know what herpes are?
Teen boys: Uh...
Guy: Herpes are what you get from whorehouses. They look like...you know pretzel sticks with salt?
--Brooklyn-bound D train
You Don't Recognize Him in His Jackie O Wig
Wall Street guy #1: I haven't seen that guy with the toupee on the train since I said something.
Wall Street guy #2: Do you think he heard you?
Wall Street guy #1: Maybe. Maybe he committed suicide.
--Uptown 4 train
Just Making Conversation
Cashier: That's $1.50.
Drunk: You're killing me, man! Hey, do you know if the liquor store's still open?
Suit: You don't?
--10th St & 4th Ave
No, Seriously -- Let's Hit It
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me.
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Man, what are you excusing me about? Fuck you!
Old Chinese lady: Fuck me? Ok, take-a off the pant.
Stairway in silence.
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Sure thing, ma'am. I'm sorry.
Chinese kid: And that's why we respect our elders.
--Canal St station
Ears Are for Hearing. Nipples Are for Piercing
Girl #1: You never wear earrings.
Girl #2: You're very observant.
Girl #1: But that's why we have ears, to get them pierced.
Girl #2: No, we have ears so we can hear.
Girl #1: Wait, you make no sense.
--E 16th & Ave U, Sheepshead Bay
Hobo Humor Goes Right Over Their Heads
A hobo is holding a sign that reads, "Why lie? I need a beer."
Hobo: Hey there, mister.
Cleveland guy: Is he serious?
Cleveland girl: I don't know. What do we do?
Hobo: Smile, folks! It's a joke! I need a whole six-pack!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Gave him five dollars
Witty, Experienced -- What Could Be Bad?
Hootchie: A-Rod's so hot. Do you see the lips on him? Jeter's so hot. Tino was the hottest of them all. Even that Knoblauch was cute, remember him? Hell, I'd sleep with any of the Yankees. But you know, I'd draw the line at Yogi Berra.
--Yankee Stadium
As for the Third Arm, It's a Long Story
Thug: God, is there anything wrong with you? Do you have horns?
Chick: No.
Thug: A third arm?
Chick: Nope.
Thug: Have you ever been in jail?
Chick: Nope.
Thug: Well, you know, I've been in jail...
Chick: Um...
--3rd between 13th & 14th
Overheard by: Elizabeth Wiederseim
He Just Finished The Fountainhead
Thug: You as an individual have to decide what is right for you as an individual...You have to decide as an individual whether or not you want to turn yourself in.
--Outside 1 Police Plaza
Overheard by: Erin
Why Lindsay Lohan Wears Yellow on Dates
Russian driver: I don't know, she stop right in front of me.
Cop: She just slammed on the brakes? Why did she do that?
Russian driver: I don't know, light was yellow. You know, green is go, red is stop, yellow is go faster.
Cop: Sure, absolutely.
--21st Ave & 77th St, Bensonhurst
Overheard by: Joel
He's on His Third Liver Now
Girl: Gross man, you eating White Castle. Nasty.
Guy: Yeah girl, these is good. I love them.
Girl: Guess you won't be loving them when the next time you take a shit, your liver comes out too.
Guy: Man, why you hatin' on White Castle?
Girl: You'll see.
--124th & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: Fred Humphrey
Has He Learned Nothing in Four Years?
Intern suit: So how do I get that pre-freshman to give me a handjob?
Girl: Do you realize that you're graduating from college soon, and you're asking me this?
--60th & Lex
Overheard by: grossed out
He Shouldn't Stand Near the Tuxes
Black woman: You cut in front of him because he's black!
White woman: I did not, I just didn't see him!
Black woman: You didn't see him because he's too black?
--Bloomingdale's
I Once OD'ed on Ben-Gay (True Story)
Suit on cell: So I got some of that topical headache medicine. You know, the cream that comes in a giant chapstick tube so you just rub it on your head without getting it on your hands. Well, I don't know if it worked. I got so much of it in my eyes that I had to spend the rest of the night in the emergency room.
--Penn Station
Teaching the Golden Rule
Little girl on bathroom line: Mommy, let's go in that one.
She points to the men's room
Mother: No honey, that one is for boys. You can't go in there until you're 25 and at a bar and you really have to go.--Panorama, 85th and 2nd
Headline by: Michael Johns
Runners-Up:
· "Hoochie-mama Knows Best" - senzanome
· "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" - William Levy
· "Daddy Always Lets Me" - David Kafrissen
· "Drew Barrymore at the E.T. Wrap Party" - Marc
· "Old enough to pee, good enough for me" - Big Jacobi
· "Ah, the natural desire to return to your place of conception" - MarcusJ
· "Mind Your Pees And Queues" - Dave Barnette
· "This life lesson brought to you by Bacardi" - RyRy
Honorable mentions:
· ".... And he's really good looking, or he has coke" - Ryan
· "It's also OK if you're dragged" - Steve Estes
· "Don't forget to put the seat back up when you're done." - Deek
· "Therapist session (retroactive)" - noa
· "Passing the Torch" - Jessy B
· "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarden" - M. Walker
· "Barfly: Generations" - Derek L.
· "Paris Hilton's First, And Last, Babysitting Gig" - John P.
· "Never To Early To Have Penis Envy" - Brian Drew
· "Void Where Prohibited" - Dave Barnette
· "Or completely out of money" - Natalie
· "How to raise a winner" - Adina C
· "Because that's how you'll get respect, honey" - Amanda
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
They Don't Have Delivery on Her Planet
Woman: Damn, that Mexican is hungry.
Mexican with 10 bags: I'm the delivery boy, you dumb fuck.
--100th & Broadway
Overheard by: robby b
Dude, It Was Medicinal
White guy #1: And to make matters worse, she stole my bag of weed!
White guy #2: She told you she had herpes, and you're worried about your weed?
--Ray's Pizza, 8th & 51st
If She Remembers Thundercats, It's Time for Assisted Living
Girl: I can't believe they're making a live action Transformers movie.
Guy: Whatever, I will definitely go see it.
Girl: Are you even old enough to remember Transformers?
Guy: Of course, I'm only three years younger than you.
Girl: Yeah, but that doesn't mean you were old enough to be conscious of Transformers. My brothers are your age and they don't remember the show that well.
Guy: You do realize every time you ask me that it doesn't make me seem young, right? It just makes you seem old.
--26th & Madison
Overheard by: DL
If Paris Hilton Comes Into Red Lobster, We'll Discuss It
Woman: Where are you from?
Tourist: We're from Texas! Why, could you hear our accents over there?
Woman: No, it's because in New York we know that you can't bring dogs into restaurants.
Tourist: You can't?
Woman: No, you can't. We work for the Department of Public Health. Consider this a warning.
Tourist: Oh. I thought it was ok because y'all are ok with Paris Hilton and all.
--Red Lobster, Times Square
Overheard by: Lynne & Craig
Wednesday One-liners, Tough Love
Mom: You see? You almost hit that nice lady. Then she would have sued you and took all your PlayStation games
--N 12th & Bedford, Williamsburg
Overheard by: sonibug13
Mom: No, Cyrus! Don't touch that! You have ringworm!
--Post office, Upper West Side
The Art of Wednesday One-liners
Woman: Hey, that looks like my metallic vagina sculpture.
--Karkula, Gansevoort St
Overheard by: stampy
Loud girl: I would like to see something a little bit more modern. This isn't modern enough for me.
--MoMA
Wednesday One-liners on Fad Diets
Fruit stand guy: Too much papaya! Too much marijuana! Too much cocaine!
--Dean & Court, Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Zach
Asian girl: You're not following the diet plan! It's either junk food or no food!
--Stuyvesant High School
Wednesday One-liners Need Some Space
Bus driver: Move to the back of the bus. They're giving free diamonds in the back of the bus. See that lady in the back for your free diamond.
--M2 bus
Guy: I hate this city. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a production.
--W 44th, near filming of Spiderman 3
Overheard by: Alex
Wednesday One-liners in Tails
Tux: You know my ex-boyfriend, right? Come on, you remember him. His sister was in jail with Amy Fisher?
--Therapy, 52nd & 9th
Tux: Stop singing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. That's all I'll ever ask of you.
--Tonys after-party for Jersey Boys, Hard Rock Cafe
Wednesday One-liners in Suits
Suit on headset: You know, I have been so gassy lately.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: yum
Suit on cell: Hey, I found this guy I thought I'd fix you up with, but I talked to Elliot and he said he wouldn't cross the street to piss on him, he's an ethical scumbag... Yeah, I know that's what everybody says about Elliott.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Ken
Wednesday One-liners Are a Real Mother
Ghettomama: My son's favorite color used to be red, because his father is a Blood, but I've gotten him out of that. Now it's blue, and his father is going nuts.
--30th & 5th
8-year-old boy: But why does your mom want to get so many tattoos?
--94th between Broadway & Amsterdam
Wednesday One-liners, the Morning After
Chick on cell: I just fell asleep! It's not like I'm seeing other people.
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Cresny
Chick: You told me you was a celebrity! I sucked yo dick!
--Union Square
Chick: I'm no whore. I told him, the closest you're getting to getting me from behind, you know, doggie style, is licking your own balls and humping my leg.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: stuck in great kills
Wednesday One-liners Need a Tan
White dude: I'm blacker than the fucking poops you shit, son!
--Ditmas Ave
Latina: Shit, where'd all these white people come from?
--Ludlow St
Overheard by: Caroline McGraw
Wednesday One-liners for Pick-up Artists
French guy: You know, I like to make happy with the pretty girls, but not the so pretty girls.
--Rivington & Orchard
Overheard by: Collin
Guy: If she had broken up with me before the end of the school year, I would have had a shot at nailing all of her friends.
--Thompson & Houston
Overheard by: Ryan
Wednesday One-liners Know the Facts of Life
Little girl: Keep your legs closed and your books open. My mommy says a girl can get a boyfriend and then she has to drop out of school.
--uptown A train
Woman: I ain't gonna take that shit, a'ight! I'm gonna fuck that nigga 'til a nigga come outta me, a'ight!
--38th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Not That Nigga
Wednesday One-Liners Like Side Dishes
Guy: I like my dick with a little pussy on the side.
--3rd & Bowery
Possible paternity litigant: Paul Newman, another girl, and my mom were all having sex together right before I was born.
--6th St & 1st Ave
If He's Into Ann Taylor, She Has Bigger Problems
Girlfriend: Out in LA they're into that whole fake boobs/Ann Taylor thing.
Boyfriend: I love Ann Taylor.
Girlfriend: Of course you do. That fits into your preppy short girl fetish, which I'm not.
--Brooklyn-bound D train
Plenty of Tricks Don't Require Pants
Hobo: Do you have a dollar?
Suit: Yes.
Hobo: May I have it?
Suit: Shouldn't you do a trick first?
Hobo: Fucker, I don't even own pants! You want me to dance for that shit?
--49th Street station
Overheard by: dank
If She Loves You, She Won't Mind Being Disowned
Guy #1 on cell: Hey it's me. Listen, I'm about to walk into the subway, I'm gonna lose you, I just wanted to tell you that my parents are gonna be there tonight, and I know you didn't want them to see your tattoos the first time they met you, so I wanted to tell you so you could...oh. Hi, Mrs. Goldstein.
Guy #1 to guy #2: FUCK! I cannot believe I just did that! Her mother had no idea she has tattoos.
Guy #2: I don't see the big deal, so she has tattoos, everyone has...wait, did you say her last name was Goldstein? I get it now.
--Astor Place
Gay Guys Prefer Hardwood
Girl #1: Ben's hot, but I think he's gay.
Girl #2: No way. Why?
Girl #1: He asked me if my carpet matches my drapes.
Girl #2: I don't think he's gay.
Girl #1: Oh yeah?
Girl #2: Call him up and tell him he can chew on your carpet!
Girl #1: What?
--Central Park
Ironic War Is the Best Kind
Woman on cell: Yeah, the kitty pushes the others around. He's a real tyrant... Uh-huh. Guess what she named him: Osama.
--Central Park
Teens and Vocabulary Shouldn't Mix
Old black man: Damn son, you ain't gonna live to be my age if you keep goin' around callin' people assholes.
Young punk: Shut the fuck up, old man, I don't have to listen to you! I'm emancipated!
--S train
If You Look Closely, You Can See Estelle Getty's Nipples
Quasi-thug #1: So if I got the first season, you would watch it with me?
Quasi-thug #2: Fuck yeah. It's the fucking Golden Girls, yo.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: djlindee
One Too Many Tarantino Films
Girl: I did, I saw Uma Thurman in Les Mis.
Guy: She wasn't in Les Mis.
Girl: Not on stage, on TV.
Guy: She wasn't in Les Mis on TV.
Girl: I thought it was her, or someone else with that cross-eyed look.
--42nd & 8th
You Should Hear What Puerto Ricans Say About Pride
Queer #1: When is the Puerto Rican Day parade?
Queer #2: Omigod, today!
Queer #1: Hmm. Don't people get gang-raped at those things?
Queer #2: Maybe, I guess? Let's go!
--West Side Highway & Jane St