June 2006 Archives

That Peculiar Flare of the Collar Is Only Seen in Southern Florida, Watson

Lady: Are you from Miami?
Girl wearing a Phillies shirt: No, why?
Lady: Your shirt.

--104th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers


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Patriotic Feces? Old Navy's New Product Line Is Genius!

Black lady with five kids: You can't get anything here. We gots to get to Old Navy to buy us all our Fourth of July t-shirts so we match at the picnic.
Black guy: They have the best deal. Shirts are five dollars each, that's like [counts kids, self, and wife] less than twenty bucks for all of us, and even the baby shit has a flag on it.

--Target, Atlantic Terminal, Brooklyn

Overheard by: lora


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But It's Just About Good Enough for an Open Casket

Annoyed friend: Yeah, I like what you did with your hair. Seriously, it's a nice look for you.
Vain guy: Thanks. You know, I'm always amazed at how a good haircut can drive away the usual enthusiasm for suicide.
Annoyed friend: Hold on. It doesn't look that good.

--Union Square

Overheard by: Jeremiah


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It's How I Make Sure I'm Hydrated

Guy #1: It's never too early for public urination.
Guy #2: Didn't you get a ticket for that once?
Guy #1: Yeah, but that was on the subway.

--11th & Ave A

Overheard by: luilya


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I Just Cleared Up That Business With the Houngan

Cashier: $2.99? That's cheap!
Female customer: That ain't cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that's cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don't be puttin' no bad vibe on my condoms!

--Duane Reade, 34th Street


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Unless It's a Pleather Cow

A teen girl punches her father repeatedly in the arm.

Older sister: You know he can't feel that, right? He's wearing a leather jacket.
Teen girl: What?
Older sister: Yeah, that's why motorcyclists wear leather, so they don't get their skin scraped off when they go sliding across the pavement.
Teen girl: Oh! So if I punch a cow, it can't feel it?

--The Plaza


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No, She's Just Blind

Latina girl with empty seat next to her: This whole ride nobody's sat down in this seat. This bus is gonna be packed before a white person sits in this seat.

Three stops later, a white girl sits down in the seat.

Latina girl, approvingly: Gangsta.

--M15 bus

Overheard by: Emily Duncanson


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I Figure If I Can Find One the Right Size, It'll Be Like a Monocle For My Ass

Queer #1: Let's hit the discount button bins on 39th.
Queer #2: Excuse me? That boy fucked you up bad.
Queer #1: What? I love buttons.
Queer #2: You still have some of that joint?

--10th & 6th

Overheard by: isaac


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Mommy Prefers to Go There by Herself

Little girl: Where does the H train go, mommy?
Mom: There is no H train.
Little girl: I train?
Mom: No I train either.
Little girl: J train? Where does the J train go?
Mom: To Brooklyn. [Pause] Nowhere we'd ever go.

--F train, between West 4th & 14th


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If I Were Adam Sandler I Would Have Asked Satan for My Soul Back Circa Mr. Deeds

Man: Wow, you're here already? That was quick.
Woman: Yeah, if I was Adam Sandler I would have said, "That was click!"

--West 44th St

Overheard by: Tomer Langberg


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That Thing You Wrote About Counting

Teen girl #1: I just don't understand why people wait so long to have kids. Then you're so old that you can't relate to them. If I'd had a kid when I was like, eleven, he'd have been three by the time I was fourteen.
Teen girl #2: Yeah. I totally read something about this on your LiveJournal.

--Yaffa Cafe, St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Miriam


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Are You My Asian/Pacific Islander?

Asian guy: Yo, nigger.
Black guy: Fuck you. You ain't my nigger.

--90th St, Elmhurst


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I Can Do It With a Real Penis Now

20-ish thug: Yo, girl, let me get a minute. I wanna buy you a popsicle.
Disgusted teen: I'm thirteen.
20-ish thug: Yeah, I know.

--Union Square station

Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed


Posted 2006-06-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Take Me Out to the Hallucination-of-a-Ballgame...

Vendor: Crackerjacks! Crackerjacks!
Very drunk woman: Crackerjacks?! What about LSD??

--Keyspan Park, Coney Island

Overheard by: Jamie


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'...A Nation Where They Will Not be Judged by the Color of Their Skin, But by the Blood Alcohol Content of Their Character'

Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana!
Drunk guy: That's not Italian!
Drunk girl: He's not Italian, he's Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!

--30th & 3rd


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But It's a Slippery Slope to Eugenics

Teen girl #1: Whoa, are those apples really all in perfect rows?
Teen girl #2: Whole Foods has really out-yuppied itself this time.

--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle


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I Get a Helmeting for Each Party I Refer to Them

Six young guys are trying to check into the Hotel Chelsea late on Saturday night of Pride Weekend.

Desk clerk: Two beds for four men, not six! Not six men for two beds. [Pause] That's a different hotel!

--Hotel Chelsea, W. 23rd St


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Oh, Sorry! It Was Just, with the Smell, the Armpit Hair, the Aura of Disdain...

Male pick-up artist: Are you from France?
Girl: No. I'm from Long Island!

--uptown 1 train

Overheard by: Giuseppe


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Coincidentally, 'A Fun Place Where Children Can Learn' Was What He Called His Van

Girl: Would you be interested in hearing about a fun place where children can learn?
Man: No, I'm not allowed because I'm a registered felon.
Girl: Well, have a nice day!

--outside SCORE! Educational Center, Union Turnpike

Overheard by: Pfeff


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His mom will make you feel guilty about it tomorrow

Girl 1: I just saw, like, 3 cute Jewish-looking guys.
Girl 2: Yeah, that one in the window?
Girl 1: Yeah.
Girl 2: Wanna go touch his butt?--48th and 9thOverheard by: alexie


Headline by: lori
Runners-Up:
· "Boy, if I had a quarter for every time someone said that about me, I'd have.....35 cents." - Adam
· "By That I Mean Marry Him For His Money" - dean morris
· "Diaper Change Time at the Mt. Sanai Maternity Ward..." - Warren Freeman
· "Goy chicks are, like, so daring" - DJG
· "It's only Trayf if you eat him" - djingo
· "Jewish: The Other White Meat" - James
· "Or we could go tweak that catholic-looking guy's nipples" - morgz
· "Pants so tight you can see his religion" - scarfaccio
· "Satan Would Approve" - hl
· "The "Shiksa Shocka"" - Vick
· "Ugh... the cute ones are ALWAYS jewish" - Jnice
· "Yeah, That Wallet Is Huge." - Keith Becker

Click here to see the new Headline Contest


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It's Like the Movie Hitchcock Never Bothered to Film

Conductor, over speaker: Excuse me, young lady in the pink shirt. Stop holding the door!
Someone else wearing a pink shirt: But I'm not!

--E train


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And Yet I Want to Stab Her with my Apartment Key Approximately 700x Less than I Do Anyone Who Has Ever Said the Word 'Y'all'

Girl #1: Your guys-- Wait how do you pluralize that?
Girl #2: You guyses.

--Kings Highway & Coney Island Ave, Brooklyn


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Or You Should Be Good at Math and Stop Talking

Little white boy: Will someone tell him that the Indians were playing the Yankees the other day!!?
Little Indian boy: Will someone tell him that Indians don't play baseball? I should know, I'm Indian!

--2 train


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Akeelah and the Bee-Jay

Boy, reading a pamphlet: Umm... Penny-less... Pen-iss.
Girl: It says penis.
Boy: Well, whatever.
Girl: How are you not going to be able to spell something that you have?
Boy: Well, it's gay to know how to spell penis.

--Marble Hill, the Bronx

Overheard by: Angelica Cayne


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Boil Wednesday One-Liners for Three Minutes to Sterilize

Thirty-something mom: Just to be clear, it isn't a vibrator. It's just a dildo.

--TKTS line


Guy on cell
: So you're expecting the crackhead's knife to be sterilized?


--outside Grand Central


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Wednesday One-Liners Give Backhanded Compliments

Guy, to girl: Smart girls are never pretty. That's why you're a dumbass.

--Union Turnpike station platform

Overheard by: Erna


Hobo
: Ain't no good here, only cheap. Cheap, cheap, and very cheap. And very beautiful.


--L train, Bedford Ave station


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Wednesday One-Liners Need Rubber Sheets

Fat, middle-aged female crossing guard: Every time I do that I shit the bed.

--29th St & 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: JimmyJohn


Guy
: I've pissed the bed before. Hell, [gesturing towards girl] I've pissed on her!


--48th & 8th


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Wednesday One-Liners for Pride Week, Part II

Guy: If I'm going to swallow sperm it has to be for love. That's just how I feel, man.

--Outside the Wintergarden Theater

Overheard by: Dawn-Kate


Club-hopper
: I don't like that bar. But it's a good scene if you want a 700-pound gay Republican sitting on your face.


--Typhoon, 18th & 8th

Overheard by: Sebastian White


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Wednesday One-Liners with a Side of Egg Roll

Asian girl to her white friend: Oh my God, we have to leave before someone else thinks I work here.

--store in Chinatown

Overheard by: shopper


Man, leading a small group of tourists
: We are entering Little Korea. This is where you can find... little Koreans.


--M4 bus, 32nd St.


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Wednesday One-Liners Deserve a Helmeting

Girl on cell: I mean is UPS trying to alienate all of New York City? Seriously!

--Prince & 6th


Guy
: Is it wrong to break up with someone with a text message? No, right?


--Black and White Bar, 86 E. 10th St.

Overheard by: Andy De Mars


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Wednesday One-Liners Don't Forget the Popcorn

Hipster: Aren't you some kind of traitor? You're going to film grad school, and you saw Click on opening night?

--Mondo Kim's, St. Mark's Place


Usher
: All ticket holders, please enter the theater. We will not start 'til everyone is seated in your box-office, uh, thing you sit in.


--New York Public Theatre


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Wednesday One-Liners Missed the Pride Parade

Bartender: I have absolutely no desire to go to work and make ginger cosmos for a bunch of proud gays.

--Montague & Henry


Foreign guy
: He's not gay. He's almost gay. He spends most of his time with a lot of gay actors. But he's not really gay.


--Stairs of the Met

Overheard by: wankerbob


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The United Colors of Wednesday One-Liners

Young guy: I was in a spaceship speaking Arabic.

--Chambers & Broadway


White guy on cell
: You're Japanese. You should like Swiss.


--Penn Station

Overheard by: Lizzerd


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Wednesday One-Liners Rise from the Dead

Guy on cell: And you got the vampires from where?

--21st & 9th


Rich young woman
: She's a big-time lawyer. You wouldn't know her name or anything, but she's got an office in Rochester, and one in the Twin Towers.


--Metro-North train, Grand Central


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Wednesday One-Liners are Off the Map

Guy: Oh my God, look. There is a Duane Reade on the corner of Duane and Reade.

--Reade St


Tourist
: Can you tell me where the Empire State Building Is?


--cafe, Empire State Building

Overheard by: dogstar


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Wednesday One-Liners for Pride Week

Chubby guy: Hey! Show me your boobs! No, not the girl. I'm gay, I want to see your man boobs! Come on, show me your boobs!

--Outside Chipotle, 8th St.


Queer
: I remember back when I was having orgies with, like, 15 or 20 people. And I was having a lot of fun!


--17th & 7th

Overheard by: Sofia


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Then They Savagely Beat Me. I Wonder Why I Keep Doing That?

Girl: Hey, I like your hair.
Mohawked guy: People often ask me "What is your hair?" and I say, "What is Dada?"

--MoMA

Overheard by: rebecca


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I Don't Have The Heart To Tell Him He Was Imagining Her All Along

Hobo: I wish my girlfriend was here! We went to the supermarket fifteen years ago, and she never came back. "I'll be right back," she said, but she never came back! Sixteen years, and I'm giving up.

--64th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ash


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Oops, There Goes My Secret!

Girl #1: How are you so fucking skinny!? All I see you do is eat, eat, and eat some fucking more! We just came from Dunkin fucking Donuts where you had a bagel and a fucking muffin! Now you're eating fucking chocolate! How are you so fucking skinny!? You're a fucking freak of nature!
Girl #2: Yo, shut the fuck up or I'll vomit all over your fat ass!

--Q88 bus

Overheard by: Jackie


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Himself... And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts

Drunk white man: Hey, sir. "Knish" is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled "knish" wrong, and I've told you guys before and it still hasn't been fixed. Look, buddy, I've come in here ten times in the last week. I've told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.

Drunk white man storms out.

Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It's knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by "the Jews" he means himself.

--Organic food store, 19th & 3rd

Overheard by: Boo Radley


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His Mom Always Said That, Too, But She Meant the Other Kind of Special

Girl: I accidentally got on at the wrong station and my card says "just used." Could you let me through?
MTA employee: You broke the rules. Do you think it's okay to break the rules where you work?
Girl: I'm sorry?
MTA employee: Oh, you must think you're special. Guess what? You're not.
Girl: My mom says I'm special.

--Bergen St. subway, Brooklyn


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He Paid for It by Leveraging His Dignity

Limo driver: Here you go, sir.
Donald Trump: Is this the Mercrdes one I wanted?
Limo driver: No, sir, it is a Buick.
Donald Trump: Well, I'll ride in it this time, but next time it better be a Mercedes. I have class.

--Trump Building, Pine & Wall


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Live Each Moment as Though You are a Newborn Child

Guy, pushing on the door between cars: Can you not go between cars when it's moving?
Old lady: It's not the subway. You have to pull.

Guy pulls hard on the handle.

Old lady: Turn and pull.
Guy, passing through the door, shouts back loudly over his shoulder: So I push the next one?

--Metro-North, Harlem Line


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I Only Flew an Airplane into It

Male intellectual: I was put in a mental hospital when I was fifteen. I still don't know why. I asked a doctor at one point, "Why am I here?" and he said, "Don't worry about it. You're very mentally ill, and it will take you a long time to recover." I said, "But what am I recovering from?" and he just said, "Don't worry about it." I still don't know why I was there. The only reason I can think of is, I have a terrible temper.
Female intellectual: Yes, but sweetie, your temper? It's abnormal. It's not like a human temper. It's insane.
Male intellectual: Well, maybe, but it's not like I blew up the World Trade Center.

--Cafe Henri, Long Island City


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I Just Want to Shop for Cheap, Ill-Fitting Clothes

Girl: Do you want to go get some coffee?
Queer: No way! I don't want to feel like a fat whore.

--H&M, Herald Square


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Ignorance Is Hell

Black man: It's hotter than Hades out there!
Black woman: Don't insult my country.

--63rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ash


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Who Cares -- He Can't Vote, Right?

JAP: Is Miguel Ferrer Hispanic? I mean, I know he's from Puerto Rico, but it says here he doesn't speak Spanish. Does that still make him Hispanic?

--Office, Broadway


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Like the One From That Spanking Movie

Girlfriend: I just don't know what else I'd do for a career. I don't know how to do anything else.
Boyfriend: That's silly. You'd be a great secretary!

[Pause]

Boyfriend: What? I mean like a high powered executive secretary.

--1st & 1st


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She Means Non-hairy Food

Hobo lady: Can any of y'all help me? I need some food!
Rider lady: Would you like this?
Hobo lady: What the hell is that?
Rider lady: It's a kiwi.
Hobo lady: Bitch! I said I need some food!

--1 train


Overheard by
: Owen Jacob Ghitelman


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That's What He Gets for Ordering the Ultimate Mudslide

Toddler: Daddy, do you have your period?
Daddy: No. Only mommies get periods.
Mom whispers: Daddy has diarrhea.
Toddler to waitress: Mommy has her period and Daddy has diarrhea!!

--TGI Friday's, Times Square