Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
July 2006 Archives
It's 157, Your Weight in Pounds
D'Agostino check-out counter girl, loudly into the store intercom: Jason, what's your password?
--D'Agostino, Greenwich & Barrow
When He Drinks, the Human Torch Behaves Badly
Drunk guy: Hi, my name's Bobby Flamer.
Girl: Haha, there's no way your last name is really Flamer.
Drunk guy: No, seriously, look at my ID.
Girl, looking at ID: This says your name is Eric Flamer.
Drunk guy: Yeah. I lied.
--Bar None, 3rd Ave between 12th & 13th
Overheard by: Zak Santucci
In Some Countries, Losing Your Virginity Doggy-Style in a Bathroom Stall Is Considered a Rite of Passage
Mother: It's ok, honey.
Teenager: I just feel like a slut.
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: DaFunk
It's Getting Harder and Harder to Keep Up With Trends
Hostess: Actually, you are sitting on the table.
Customer: Oops.
--Sushi Samba, 7th Avenue South
Overheard by: AJ Stone
No, Dear Heart, I'm With You
Queer: I would never want my little girl to be in Girl Scouts!
Girl: Why?
Queer: Because Girl Scouts is for lesbians.
Girl: That's not true! I was in Girl Scouts, and I'm not a lesbian!
Queer: Yeah, but you're fat and alone.
--Washington Sq Park
How Do They Taste?
Hobo: Can anyone spare some change? Please, I'm homeless and hungry.
British tourist #1: Is that the same bloke from the earlier train?
British tourist #2: No, I think it's a woman.
British tourist #1: Oh! Poor thing. I wish we had a brassiere to give her.
--F train
City Mouse Needs to Get Out More
Observant girl, pointing at something on the sidewalk: Is that an animal?
Downright perceptive guy: No. That's a pair of pants.
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: Peter Horan
What Do You Think This Is, Tower Records?
Customer: Do you have the documentary on Marlene Dietrich made by
her nephew, David Riva?
Sales girl: Who's that again?
Customer: Marlene Dietrich.
Sales girl: [blank look]
Customer: Come on, Dietrich!! You know, Garbo, Monroe, Dietrich...
the big ones.
Sales girl: Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know everybody.--Virgin Megastore, Times SquareOverheard by: Gladys M
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "A Virgin employee apologizing... she must be new, she hasn't grown a superiority complex yet" - Matthew McGuirl
· "Have you ever read anything by Seuss?" - Steve Harhart
· "He never could deliver a pick-up line without getting angry" - AK
· "I Need a Gay Male Employee at the Front Desk Please, a Gay Male Employee" - Jennifer Koretsky
· "I think she was in something with Tom Cruise...?" - Michelle
· "Plus he lost her at "documentary"" - Amy Stephenson
· "Sales clerk caught unaware of hip new trend called "History"" - Andy
· "She wears a nametag to satisfy her own curiosity" - Amanda
· "They're Dead to Me" - Toby
· "Wait. . . Your'e Telling Me Stuff Happened Before I Was Born?" - DanC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And a Year's Free Whispered Comments From Strangers
Arguably redeemable patient: What is the fee for breast implants?
Secretary: $1100
Arguably redeemable patient: $1100? Does that include, like, installation?
--NY Presbyterian Hospital, E 68th St
Overheard by: Johnny Drama
At Least According to US News & World Report
Lady #1: You need a school ID?...What the hell, let's sneak in!
Lady #2: I've been thrown out of better places than Columbia!
--Outside Avery Library, Columbia University
Your Engagement to My Sister Is Off, But We're Still Friends
White hipster #1: Yeah, I just moved into a place in Bushwick. I'm the only black guy for, like, five miles.
Other white hipsters stare at him.
White hipster #1: What?
--Yale Club, Vanderbilt Ave
Homelessness: The Secret Path to Wealth
Drunk #1: They found that homeless guy dead with $40,000 sewn into the lining of his coat.
Drunk #2: How could a homeless dude save $40,000?
Drunk #1: He's homeless; he don't pay rent!
--2 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
Yuppie Child Enters Lifelong Apprenticeship
Little girl, reading children's book aloud: Mariko is Japanese. She eats sushi.
Mom: But we know that [pointing to picture] is actually sashimi.
--M86 bus
Overheard by: Caitlin
To Say That This Would Hold Up in Court Would Be the Understatement of the Century
Wife: But, sweetheart, that sort of makes you a terrorist.
Husband: Look, just because I like to blow things up doesn't make me a terrorist. I'm white!
--Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: Adam
Wasn't This a Patrick Dempsey Teen Movie?
Mid-20's woman #1: What's the best way to get puke out of leather?
Mid-20's woman #2: I think you're too old to be asking that question.
--140th & Broadway
Mom Gets Her Inner Ho-Bag Out of the Garage
Man: It was nice to meet you. Now will you shake my hand?
Little boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Little boy: Because she gave you her number, but she already has a boyfriend! I don't like that.
Woman: Shut up. That's not true.
Little boy: If it isn't, then why did it say "Jason and Trish, together forever" on your phone, when I turned it on right now?
Woman: Together forever, my ass; now shut up!
--Q37 bus, Liberty Ave
I Started Having Bad Dreams About Daddy and Grandma When I Was 4
Grandma: Now, your daddy didn't come out of my vagina. He was sideways, so he couldn't come out of my vagina. His body couldn't fit out of my vagina.
4 year old: Oh.
--Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport
It Was a Little Hard to See in Your Mouth, Cynthia
Girl #1: I noticed his abs.
Girl #2: I noticed his ripped shirt.
Girl #3: Wait, so neither of you noticed his huge erection?
--F train
Overheard by: Michelle
But the Rocky Mountain Oysters Are a Little Better Back Home
Tammy Ealom: When I'm in New York, I eat way too much Chinese food.
Dude: Did you go to Chinatown?
Tammy Ealom: No, just some place up the street. When you come from Denver, pretty much everything is good.
--Dressy Bessy show, Sin-e, Attorney & Stanton
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
The Buddha Was a Tough Kid to Raise
Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Miranda
Better Money Than Her Allowance, But Longer Hours
Old Russian man approaches teen girl and says something in Russian.
Teen girl: What?
Russian man: You don't speak Russian?
Teen girl: No.
Russian man: Oh, well you want job?
Teen girl: No.
Russian man walks away.
Girl's mom: I think he wanted to hire you for an escort service.
--Sheepshead Bay train station, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Waiting for the bus
Preschool Boot Camp for the Battle Between Men and Women
Mother: Thas what you gotta watch out for: those assholes.
3-year-old daughter: Okay, Mommy.
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: Sanandara Bong
Now He's Planning to Trade the Woman and the Magazines For the House
Clerk: 20 copies [of ELLE Decor]?
Older man: My Hamptons house is on the cover.
Younger woman: Actually, it's not his house anymore.
Older man: It's my ex-wife's.
Younger woman: Yeah, he traded the house for me!
--Magazine shop, Gramercy
Actually They're Named For the 80's Girl Group
New York girl: Wait, who are the Bengals?
Cincinnati girl: Our football team
New York girl: Wow, that sucks, to be named after a kind of bracelet.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: leilah
Someone Should Tell Her the Classy Part Is Contained in 0.25 Square Miles of the Upper East Side
Mother, to little boy, who is trying to sneak behind some dividers: Stop it. You can't do that!
Little boy: Why not?
Mother: Because this is New York! People here have more class than you!
--Bouchon Bakery, Time Warner Center, Columbus Circle
Or Single. With Chlamydia.
Guy #1: That girl's not too bad looking. How old, you think? Married, possibly?
Guy #2: She looks 26 and pissed off.
Guy #1: So she must be married.
Guy #2: With kids.
--Madison Ave
Mr. Narcissus Kept Trying, Though
Drunken friend: That looks like the place to be! I'm going in that room.
Sober friend: Dude, that's a mirror.
--Rivington & Clinton
Maybe Next Time You Won't Smoke Crack During the Third Trimester
Mom: Look at this! Look at all this! You're in nature! Aren't you having fun?
Little boy: No.
Mom: Well then there's something wrong with you.
--The Great Lawn, Central Park
The Most Expensive Birth Control in the World
Man #1: Aw, man, that's not right. She's pregnant.
Man #2: All the better-- that means you can bust right inside her.
--Boardwalk, Coney Island
Overheard by: Lauren
We Can Get Those Two Chicks. They Seemed Interested in Some Hot Dogs and Beer.
Bus driver stops in the middle of the street, opens the door, and yells out: Hey! I called you last night, why you didn't answer? Yeah, I'm working now...What you doing this weekend? Wanna go fishing? Let's do barbeque. What? Yeah, yeah, man, let's get some barbeque going. Okay, I have to work now. I'll call you later tonight.
--Bell Boulevard, Queens
We're Trying to Get You to Develop an Immunity
Little girl: Ew, Daddy, it smells like Jersey over here.
Dad: I know, sweetie.
--30th St
Overheard by: Kate
Officer, I am Innocent. The Tire Iron Hit His Head!
Dude #1 opens a taxi door, hitting Dude #2's car.
Dude #2: Yo, man, what the fuck? You hit my car!
Dude #1, walking away: The taxi hit your car.
--28th, between 10th & 11th
Overheard by: Milan P
They Had the Same Problem With A Bronx Tale
Girl #1: Where did the first movie take place?
Girl # 2: I thought it was Australia, cause, you know, that was part of the British empire and all.
Girl #1: I think it was some Asian country. Didn't they talk about Singapore a lot?
Girl #2: Yeah, maybe some place like that.
Girl #1, after a few minutes: Oh, shit, the Caribbean!
--Pirates of the Caribbean II, movie theater, 34th St
Overheard by: Anny O and S. Bitchards
When Urban Patois Jumps the Shark
Teenage son, to his white dad: Dad, you look like a homeless person!
White mom: Yeah, you want a dollar, nigga!?
--87th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rob Dobrenski
In Porn, the Same Blondes Can Play Swedish or Swiss Characters. Hence the Mix-Up.
Girl: Isn't your dad Swiss?
Guy: No, he's Swedish.
Girl: Oh, that's right: people are Swedish, things are Swiss. Well, actually, they're interchangeable.
--Sprint Store, 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Thunder
Yes, Jessica, the Ones From the Sea
Girl #1: That falafel was super good! What's it made out of?
Girl #2: Chickpeas.
Girl #1: Oh. You mean, like, from chickens?
--East Village
Overheard by: S.
I Hear This Is How Tom Paine Got Started
Drunk man: Where are all my taxes going?! To housing for people who can only make over $60,000 a year?! I don't wanna pay for a stadium! Mayor Bloomberg is an asshole! The elections are coming up, people!
Business guy: So why don't you run for office?
Drunk man: I ain't running for office! I want the people to know! The elections are coming up! Bloomberg is an asshole!
Business guy: And who'd you vote for?
Drunk man: I didn't vote! I was on parole!...I ain't on parole anymo'!
--Brooklyn bound J train
Overheard by: Cara
I Always Wondered Who That 'and Repeat' Was Aimed At
Asian queen #1: First I shampoo and then I rinse and then I shampoo and then I rinse and then I condition and then I shampoo and then I condition and then I rinse.
Asian queen #2: The problem is that you're telling your hair what it wants. You're not asking your hair what it wants.
--Uptown 2 train
Spheres of Influence
Woman: I'm sorry, I know this is probably a lot to ask for, so I apologize, but do you think that you could maybe close your legs a little bit, please?
Suit, with his legs still spread wide: No. My balls are too big.
--7 train
Overheard by: cowering in corner
But Did You Notice How He Held His Spoon?
Woman #1: I think Tom was kinda weird.
Woman #2: Yeah, he was really into Nazis.
Woman #1: Yeah, there's that.
--21st & Broadway
So You Can't Even Tell Them From Americans Anymore
Teenage girl: I really admire immigrants...even though most of them are criminals.
--Times Square
Overheard by: intern
Having Lost Track of Her Point, Martina Fell Silent
Girl #1: And everyone makes fun of me for working for Macy's, and it's not like I really care about Macy's.
Girl #2: Yeah, at least it pays the rent.
Girl #1: No, Daddy pays the rent, but still...
--Central Park
Overheard by: Sheila
It's Polite to at Least Offer Him a Scarf or a Belt
Hobo: Pennies for the poor? [to girl with Scoop bag] Oh come on, you just went shopping!
Girl: Which is why I don't have any money!
--4th & Broadway
Why Do You Think I See Dr. Milstein Twice a Week?
Son: Ya know, every time I go to a family reunion I discover a new family member I didn't know existed.
Dad: Such as?
Son: Did you know about Grandma?
--4 train
It's Actually a Great Way to Put Off Orgasm...Unless You're a Baldwin
Queer: Is it wrong to think of my brother while I'm getting fucked in the ass?
Girl: Oh my god, I thought I was the only freak that thought that!
--Times Square
Overheard by: eavesdropper
Coming Up Next on This Is Your Life, Pauly Shore's Parents Discuss His Birth
Thug: ...'cause most doctors will tell you, most doctors will actually tell you that a little marijuana is good for the baby.
Pregnant girlfriend: Really?
--14th St
Overheard by: Rationalization Whiplash
I Think She Wins Only If He Did It For Free
Girl #1: My mother is friends with tons of socialites.
Girl #2: Well my father fucked Madonna.
Girl #1: You win.
--6th & Bedford
He Rides the Subway For Research, Dumbass
DVD hawker: I got Superman, X-Men III, all high quality.
Guy: Those are illegal! You're stealing from me. I'm a writer.
DVD hawker: What? Did you write any of these?
Guy: You're selling illegal goods. I'm a writer. You're stealing from me!
DVD hawker: If you wrote any of these movies, you wouldn't be riding the subway.
--Uptown E train
Fawn Hall and Ollie North Do Some Catching Up
Person #1: So, what's the third state in the tri-state area? I know: New Jersey...Certainly New York. Is it Connecticut?
Person #2: You never hear about a bi-state area.
Person #1: What about Nicaragua. Didn't you have sex with both a girl and a boy there?
Person #2: I don't think the country of Nicaragua bases its sense of identity on my sexual exploits.
Person #1: Is Long Island a state?
--9th & Ave A
Lies That Come Back to de Fetus
Girl: See, so what we learned tonight is that lying pays off!
Guy: I think that's too broad of a statement.
Girl: Okay, what we learned tonight is that lying about pregnancy pays off.
Guy: I'll give you that.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Streetwalker
Yeah, They'll Probably Bust You
Hispanic dude: Whoa, you better watch out. The cops will bust you for carrying an open container.
Hispanic chick: No they won't. She's white.
--N 1st & Bedford, Williamsburg
Overheard by: open container
Ah, the Great Relief of Having You to Talk To
Woman #1: How long do you think this line will take? I really gotta go.
Woman #2: Oh, not long. Looks like five minutes.
Woman #1: Really? Looks like much longer than that-- like twenty-five minutes, at least.
Woman #2: Yeah. I guess I just said that because it sounded like something I should say.
--Bathroom, Bryant Park
Overheard by: Shebrah
It Was Like Prison Sex
Girl: They were all over each other, practically disrobing.
Guy: Hey, I might have liked to have seen that.
Girl: No you wouldn't have. They were Australian.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Wic
In Twenty Years, the Only Music That Will Offend Parents Will Be Show Tunes
Girl, singing: Take me on! I'll be gone, in a day or twooo!
Mother: I couldn't stand that crap when it was released. Now you're screaming it in my ear? I'd rather hear that shit they play nowadays, even if it's disgusting and perverted. Why can't you sing that?
--M96 bus
Overheard by: Treesha
Only One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Relationship
Bartender: This is so weird, but you just can't tell anyone. I don't know what to do about Fred*. I had a few people over on Friday, and when everyone left my pants were missing. So I had everyone over again on Sunday, and I left the drawer with my pants closed. He goes to the bathroom and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my drawer is open and I am missing a pair of pants.
Waitress: So what are you gonna do?
Bartender: From now on I only buy skirts.
--Nation, 45th & 5th
Overheard by: Barely swallowed my drink
Five minutes later their car was stolen.
Cop #1: We wouldn't have so much crime here if Law & Order was set somewhere else. I mean, they're just giving people ideas, and making them think it's entertaining.
Cop #2: Uh huh. And the show also makes people think the force is full of skilled, competent officers.
Cop #1: I guess I object to that, too.--John's Pizza, Bleecker StOverheard by: Jebediah
Headline by: Nick
Runners-Up:
· "As Do The Tourists Who Expect Him to Help When They're Being Mugged" - Sinead
· "But The Worst Part Is, When Lenny Makes A Joke About A Corpse Everyone Thinks It's Adorable, But When I Do It I Get Some Bitch Widow Calling Me Insensitive" - Kate
· "His remote's in his holster and his TV is broken." - Nick
· "I guess Vincent D'Onofrio is skilled, if by skilled you mean unbearable to watch" - that guy
· "I'm more of a Village People Cop than a Law & Order Cop" - ak
· "If the Sci-Fi Channel folded, we wouldn't have so many alien invasions, either" - Matthew
· "If they brought back Cop Rock, this job would be a cake walk" - tony ska
· "It's moments like these that make me wish I was set somewher else" - Jenina
· "Wow I was always saying that wrong. So it's *Life* imitates *Art*?" - srednivashtar
· "You should have seen this town when "Naked City" was on." - J. A. G.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
In Vino Veritas
Girl: Enjoy your party! Everyone here loves you!
Birthday boy: Ehh.
Girl: Everyone here loves alcohol!
Birthday boy: Better.
--Revival Bar, 15th & Irving
In Los Angeles, They Would Both Be Executed
Unattractive girl #1: She was so ugly. I mean like Staten Island ugly.
Unattractive girl #2: I think those people are around to balance out the ridiculously attractive people in Manhattan.
--Uptown 1st Ave bus
Overheard by: amf
And It Totally Didn't Work on My Hay Fever
Girl: What's that really fast train called?
Guy: Anthrax?
Girl: No, that's allergy medicine.
--Macy's
Selling Offensive T-Shirts Is Serious Business
Late-20's woman #1: I think it's time to get, like, a serious job.
Late-20's woman #2: Good, you definitely should.
Late-20's woman #1: So, I think I am going to apply for a job at Urban Outfitters!
--LIRR platform, Long Beach line
Overheard by: skilla
Wednesday One-Liners Are Legends in Their Own Minds
Girl: I think Elvis died on my birthday...No, wait, Elvis died on Madonna's birthday. Why do I always get that confused?
--36th St
Geeky guy: Dudes, we are staying at the Bellagio. That gives us instant credibility.
--Jet Blue Terminal, JFK
Overheard by: Dungy
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Fear the Reaper
Guy on cell: But he didn't get shot...Oh, the old man's dead? Niiiice!
--Starbucks, 57th St
Little Boy: Mommy, mommy! Guess what I dreamt about last night? I dreamt I was dead!
--Star Diner, 77th & 1st
Overheard by: Fruit Salad
Commuter: Well, I'd rather do it for a dead person than a handicapped one.
--LIRR train
Overheard by: LIRRider
Guy #1, to guy #2: I don't want you to freak out about this, man, but when I die I want you by my side.
--Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Tie the Knot
Guy: I have to sleep with her before she gets married.
--9th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Alison R.
Girl on cell: It's marriage, not racism.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Phe
Woman on cell: I want the wedding without the husband. No, really, I want to wear the dress and have a party all about me.
--Bergdorf Goodman
Dude on cell: So she said, "Don't you want to marry me?" and I was like [shrugging], "Why the fuck not?"
--Central Park, southwest entrance
Girl on cell: I can't believe you can't spend three hours to come to my wedding so you can study for the bar exam. I'm your sister! And this is my first wedding, so it's really important to me.
--N train
Man: If I had known how much work marriage was gonna be, I would've said, "Fuck the cow. Give me the milk for free."
--31st & Ditmars, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Shannon
Supportive friend: Well, they're past the murder-suicide part of their marriage, so that's good.
--6th St, between 1st & 2nd
Wednesday One-Liners Teach Their Children Well
Mother, to little girl: Hold on to the pole, honey, but keep your tongue away from it. It's filthy!
--Downtown 2/3 train
Overheard by: Chad
Father, to five-year-old son: No, Jake, don't eat the watch...Time flies, but it doesn't taste good.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: derkach
Mother, to little girl in line for security X-ray machine: Take your muffin outta the box. If it goes through the machine, it'll give you radiation.
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Reluctant Traveler
Father, to crying son: Yeah yeah, life's a disappointment.
--78th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: someone who agrees
Tourist mom, to kids: Walk or die! Walk or die! Walk or die!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Scott
Old white lady, to little Hispanic girl: You're always tan...Everyone wants to be tan.
--Queens bound E train
Overheard by: Julz
Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Trained
Girl on cell: What? What do you mean? What do you mean your audition is gonna be in a bathroom?
--42nd and 10th
Overheard by: dk
Hurrying lady: ...and a urinal cake is worth fifteen points.
--43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Casper
Gay usher, loudly: Sex just isn't the same when you're constipated.
--Daryl Roth Theatre, Union Square
Hipster girl: So I just said to him, "Bye, I have to go now. I have diarrhea!"...Diarrhea is like the anti-aphrodisiac.
--Brooklyn bound F train
Woman on cell: Did you just say that you had a dream where Gene Wilder peed in your closet? Like, Willy Wonka, pissing on your clothes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard correctly.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: baffled
Dude: Nah, I wouldn't piss on someone if I didn't know them.
--Bar, Queens
Man, to woman having trouble with the bathroom door: Oh come on, you fucking cunt, work the damn door. Big fucking place like this, they got only one bathroom, I am fucking pissing on the floor. I will piss on the damn floor. That's my fucking right as an American. I'm a patriot. Patriot, that's an adverb. An action adverb. Mrs. Riegell told me in third grade if you have a syllable you've got an adverb, and I got a damn syllable, so damnit, I'm pissing on the fucking floor.
--Virgin Megastore, Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Carry Razor Blades and a Mirror
Thug on cell: Will I accept payment in what? In coke? Fuck no, I won't accept an eight-ball as payment. No. No way, bitch, I don't care how pure it is. Uh-uh, the only coke I do comes in five dollar rocks. I can't afford to get hooked on that expensive shit.
--49th & 7th
Oveheard by: Prefers the expensive shit
Drunk guy, to his date: The reason I'm buying all of this coke is so that we can fuck.
--6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Danielle
Girl: Can you imagine saying your vows when you're that coked up?
--Remsen St, Brooklyn Heights
Party girl: Oh my God, she took a picture of me one time while I was doing a line, and I was, like, so pissed!
--Sheep's Meadow, Central Park
Dude: America runs on cocaine.
--W Broadway
Overheard by: ritajones
Goth chick: I just want to buy some fucking groceries so we don't spend all our money on coke.
--Whole Foods, 14th St
Hi, My Name is Bill, and I'm a Wednesday One-Liner
Guy: All we're gonna do anyway is drink in my basement. Fuckin' suburbia.
--W 4th & Mercer
Teen girl: And he was like, "You people from Connecticut, all you ever do is drink cocktails and text-message each other."
--Uptown 2 train
Ditzy girl: It's like...like the herbal tea of beers.
--House of Brews, 51st & 8th
Overheard by: Just Trying to Watch the Game in Peace
Teenage guy: Dude, you can't get married. You're going to college. There's gonna be a lot of girls and beer. Every day.
--Middletown Rd & Crosby Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: christine
Girl on phone: What do you mean she's not drunk yet?
--Mo Pitkins, 2nd St & Ave A
Overheard by: sarah
Guy: We're going to strap the beer to the dog, and go down to the Ho Chi Minh Trail, and camp out by the railroad tracks.
--Ave A
Overheard by: Cory
Guy: I would rather be poor and not famous than famous and poor...I drank a lot today, but I am not drunk.
--7 train
Guy on phone: Did you do her?...Mazel Tov...Was she drunk?
--Lobby, Cardozo School of Law
Wednesday One-Liners Could Quit if They Wanted to
Guy: Okay, here's the plan: we paint your van, then you have sex with Susan, then I'll have sex with...someone else. Then we both smoke a lot of weed...
--1st Ave
Overheard by: chris & daile
Teen boy: Yo, I just stopped smoking weed, cause, like, I heard it was bad for you. So I started smoking cigarettes again.
--G train
Queer on cell, taking deep drags of cigarette: No, I'm not! I told you I quit. [Exhales] Umm, that was just me blowing my bangs out of my eyes.
--Outside Bally Fitness, 50th St
Smoker: I read somewhere that if you quit smoking by the time you are middle aged your body can still recover, and I thought, "Great I still have a couple more years to quit." Then I read what they define "middle aged" as. I'm fucked!
--Upper East Side gallery
Wednesday One-Liners Aced Anatomy 101
Mother, to little boy: No, you cannot smell my armpit!
--Keyspan Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jesse
Doctor on cell: Look, having knees doesn't make you special.
--Oustide New York Presbyterian Hospital
Ghetto chick: When she's asleep, I'm gonna squat on her brain.
--16th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: alyssa
Father of little girl who has just hit her head: Did your brain fall out?
--Chili's, Staten Island
Overheard by: Ada and Andi
Chick: His teeth are really straight. But that's because he was home-schooled.
--Baskin Robbins, 23rd & 8th
Guy: Every time a girl sees my teeth, she's like, "Naaah." I'm gonna get this whole shit redone, where they take them all out and replace the whole thing. It costs like $20,000...Only thing is you have to go two months without any teeth.
--29th St & 33rd Ave, Astoria
Middle-aged man, to college girl in skirt: Excuse me, miss, you have very nice legs. Have you ever thought about doing voice-overs?
--31st & 6th
Overheard by: plo
Teenage boy: Who wants to play guess which body part am I fidgeting?
--North Gannon & Bradley, Staten Island
Overheard by: Shamrocknroll
Wednesday One-Liners Say Booty is Truth and Truth Booty
Teen boy: So when you said you loved her, did you say you loved her booty?
--Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Mom, to her kids: Your mama's booty is gonna come in handy tonight!
--41st & 3rd
Overheard by: allison
Wednesday One-Liners Say the Neon Lights Are Bright
Guy: Now, you know I want Tarzan the Musical to be a giant flop, but...
--54th & Broadway
Ghetto teen, watching Sutton Foster sing "You've Got Possibilities" from It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman!, the musical: Maybe these crackers be famous, but it's Broadway. This shit sucks.
--Central Park
Overheard by: warren freeman
Tourist chick, on cell: On Wednesday, we're going to see The Directors...The Directors...The Directors. C'mon, you know, The Directors! Oh, I mean The Producers!
--Sidestreet Saloon, Staten Island
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
Wednesday One-Liners Live Beyond Their Means
Black woman #1, to black woman #2: That's a real cute phone for a nigger without a job.
--Sprint Store
Overheard by: wigger with a job
Guy: I dunno, if I had that much money, I'd spend it on something else. Like pants made of diamonds...Or hookers made of gold.
--Lafayette & Bond
Overheard by: jayloo
Hobo, to baby in stroller: You're a fucking moron, kid, wasting all your money on that shit!
--Central Park
Overheard by: PeggyG.
What Are Penn Sorority Girls Doing in New York?
College girl #1: So, like, if you know anyone who, like, needs, like, anyone to do, like, anything for money, I'm totally desperate.
College girl #2: Oh, for sure! I'll totally let you know!
--St. Mark's, between 2rd and 3nd
Market Research Summary: New Assimilation Techniques Resonate With Gay, BDSM Communities
Hudson News guy: Fuck you, get outta my store! I'm gonna fuck you so hard. I'll fuck you from brown to black!
Traveling guy: Man, I've missed New York.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Girl reading Us Weekly
Just When I thought Tom Cruise's Demands on Katie Holmes Couldn't Get Any Weirder
Thug guy: Son, he was pissed. She swallowed his cousin's babies, but she wouldn't swallow his.
Thug girl: That ain't true love.
--L train
The Fellatioship of the Ring
Midwestern tourist girl #1: Hey, did I show you my new promise ring?
Midwestern tourist girl #2: Yeah, you did...Wait a minute. This one looks different. Omigod, did someone deflower you?!
--Baggage claim, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: jujumac
Well, Plan A Is to Sell You to the Gypsies...
Little kid: But what if we don't have enough money?
Mother: And that's the reason why you need to keep your four-year-old concerns to your damn self.
--Dekalb & South Portland, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Zoe
Jesus: Not Just for Pale, Hairy People
Woman: Yo, I just saw somethin really racist.
Man: What?
Woman: There was a sign in the subway that said "Jesus for Jews, Jews for Jesus."
Man: Oh, that's a religous group. Haven't you ever heard of Jews for Jesus?
Woman: That shit's racist! Jesus for everybody. Jesus for people of all colors!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Steph
Columbia Is the Entitled Pukes' Playground
Gangster on cell: Fuck you, I'm gettin my nails done if I want to.
Columbia student: Vanity is the extrovert's insecurity.
--110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Hobo
Upon Hearing How Dated and Tacky They Were, the Klan Immediately Decided to Disband
Tween girl on cell: I can't believe there are still Ku Klux Klan members around. Isn't that, like, so fifties?
--FAO Schwarz
Overheard by: Like, so someone who overheard this
'Please'? What the Fuck is That, Some New Hipster Insult?
Conductor: All right, people, there is six hundred feet of train. Let's try to use more than one door, please.
Tourist: Well that was rude.
--Downtown F train, 42nd St
When She Comes Back With the Size Five Wrapped Around One Thigh, All She's Getting Is Store Credit
Sales girl: Okay, so what did you want to get for her?
Old lady: Well, she's a size five.
Sales girl: Yeah, but our sizes here run small, so you probably want to get her a seven or something.
Old lady: No, my granddaughter, she's a five.
Sales girl: Yeah, but our sizes-
Old lady: -She's a five.
Sales girl: Yeah, okay.
--Billabong store, Broadway
Overheard by: Kelsey
Then We Realized That in the Time We'd Spent Arguing, We'd Driven Across It
Chick: We were trying to name all fifty states. And I was like, "Is Delaware a state?" and then three other people asked the same thing!
--36th & 8th
Overheard by: not minding my own business
(Actually, Delaware is a small town.)
Well, He Didn't Specify What Kind of Second He Wanted
Greenpeace guy: Do you have a second for Greenpeace?
Woman: Meow.
--3rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: JJ
Where the Threshold of Arrest Is Higher
Teen girl #1: I choked that girl.
Teen girl #2: You did what?
Teen girl #1: I choked the bitch.
Teen girl #2: Ok, let's talk about this when we cross 125th Street.
--2 train, 34th St
Overheard by: dj dradle
Dating Riddle #486: If They Got Married, Who'd Be Settling More?
Dorky guy: Maybe I'll take you to Lucky Cheng's.
Date: Huh?
Dorky guy: I thought you'd heard of it. See, men dress up as women there. They're called transvestites. Some of them even have had surgery. I won't really take you there. I just wanted to understand your thought process. See how you react when I throw something like that out there.
Date: What? Are you taking me there?
--14th St
Cribs With N-Man: Yo, Dog, Check My Cell
Intern #1: So I was watching this thing on TV about Nelson Mandela.
Intern #2: I don't remember him.
Intern #1: He's famous.
Intern #2: Oh yeah, didn't he used to be a host on MTV?
--59th & Lex
Welcome to Irony Town, Kid
Guy: Dude, look at their Board of Health certificate on the wall there. It's brown. No, it's dirty!
Girl: Oh my God, that's so filthy. What's that on top there? [walks over] Jesus Christ, it's a cockroach!
--Chinese restaurant, Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lunch Special
She Also Misplaced Her Invisible Airplane and Her Golden Lasso of Truth
Fat girl: So I think I lost my favorite jeans.
Friend: What jeans?
Fat girl: You know, the ones that make my ass look small.
Friend: Honey, you can't lose something that doesn't exist.
--Union Square
They're Great With Toe Jam and Peter's Foot Skin
Tourist #1, looking at sign: What is a bunion?
Tourist #2: It sounds like something you can eat.
Tourist #1: Like an onion bun?
Tourist #2: Yeah, like that.
Tourist #1: Mmm, that makes me hungry. Let's get some food when we get off the train.
--2 train
Overheard by: dubs
I'm More Interested in the 'Sleep With Claudia Schiffer' Trick
Girl: Hey, aren't you David Copperfield?
David Copperfield: Yes.
Girl: Will you do a trick?
David Copperfield: Not tonight, sorry.
Girl: You must have pulled something out of a hat to get in here. Loser.
--Marquee, 10th Ave
And That's When I Got the Idea For the Fucks Capacitor
Queer: So I hit my head on the locker door at the gym, and I think I damaged my cervical cortex.
Chick: I fucking hate you.--Lispenard StOverheard by: fat dragon
Headline by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Runners-Up:
· "He's Fucked In the Head" - John
· "I Knew You Cheated Off me on the Anatomy Exam!" - kyla
· "I Also Bruised my Temporal Labia" - Justin
· "It's Like Childbirth Every Time I Think" - alaina
· "It's Near the Mangina" - chris
· "Katie Holmes Finally Wakes Up" - Andy Adelewitz
· "Now I Have Two Cunts Giving me a Headache." - rather decline
· "Oddly Enough, All He Hears Is 'You're Fabulous'" - Alexandria Symonds
· "She Failed Her 'Bedside Manner' Class in Med School" - AL
· "Since You got Word-of-the-Day Toilet Paper, Things Haven't Been the Same" - Cheeky Brit
· "So, He Looks Great, Has a Gym Membership AND a Cervix. No Wonder She Can't Get a Date." - Mel Mouse
· "What Mr. and Mrs. Bush Say Behind Closed Doors" - Marissa
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Once You Get Married You Have to Call Each Other Husband and Wife
Teenage girl #1: He's a good kisser.
Teenage girl #2: That's gross. He's your cousin!
Teenage girl #1: No! Not anymore he's not.
--Chelsea Piers
Overheard by: boywryter
And in Practically No Time She Taught Them Everything She Knew
Meathead: I think that's just so ridiculous that they would expect you to teach these kids when you don't know the kids at all.
Ditzy girl: Well they had name tags.
--2 train
The Options For Young Women Seem to Diminish Every Year
Girl #1: Did you see that Italian lady offer me her seat on the subway?
Girl #2: Yeah, so?
Girl #1: So, it's the shirt. This fucking expensive shirt makes me look pregnant.
Girl #2: So don't wear it anymore.
Girl #1: No, it was expensive. I'd rather look like a well-dressed, knocked-up slut than a single girl with sub-par taste in clothing.
--AOL Time Warner Center, Columbus Circle
Even Too Old to Star in the Remake of Logan's Run
Girl #1: Who is Tom Cruise anyway?
Girl #2: Just some old guy.
--Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Adrienne Brand
Now I'm in Brazil...No, France!
Guy on cell: Call me when you get them. I'm on my way from Staten Island. I'm on the boat right now.
--47th & Lex
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Gangstas, Inc. Soon Learned Not to Hold Public Staff Meetings
Gangsta wannabe #1: Yo, man, I gotta get me a new Sidekick.
Gangsta wannabe #2: Yo, you mean buy one or rob one?
Gangsta wannabe #1: Yo, rob one, fool!
Gangsta wannabe #2: So rob one then!
Gangsta wannabe #1: I will soon!
Very nervous white guy in suit right in front of them quickly slips his Sidekick into his pocket.
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Peter
She's Still Upset About the Dirty Sanchez
Girlfriend, to boyfriend walking out of the bathroom: Did you wash your hands? [Takes his hand] Ew! No, you didn't!
Boyfriend: You put it in your mouth. I think I'll be all right to touch it every once in awhile.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Clay Parrish
J.Crew Summer '06: The Perfect Khakis For Aimlessly Muttering One's Way to the Grave
Club kid #1: Yeah, we should make our own clothes, but we need to learn to make patterns.
Club kid #2: My grandma used to know how, but now she has Alzheimer's.
Clubkid #1: That should make her designs more creative!
--7th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Mark
Try to Punch a Hole Through the World Trade Center Now, Terrorists!
Homeland security cop #1: Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!
He leans over and pretends to vomit in the gutter. Homeland security cop #2 laughs.
Homeland security cop #1, laughing: That was great! Punch me again!
--Federal Plaza, Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Juvenile Homicide: Not Fully Punishable
Round ghetto girl: Skateboardin': not cool.
Skater: Childhood obesity: not cool.
--125th St station
Overheard by: Solar
And Any One of Her Stepfathers Who Happens to be Around That Week
Young child: Mom, that girl hit me!
Mom: What? You go back there and punch her back! No one hits my daughter besides me!
--Columbia St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lisa
Furthermore, What the Fuck Are Trousers?
Customer: Do you think this shirt would match with these trousers?
Sales guy: Don't ask me. I'm color blind.
--Urban Outfitters, Broadway
Overheard by: Gladys M
Or Your Market Value Isn't High Enough
Teenage girl #1: I totally learned something at Coney Island the other day!
Teenage girl #2: Yeah?
Teenage girl #1: If you are walking on a sidewalk in Coney Island with a boy, and he has you walking closest to the street, that means he wants to sell you.
Teenage girl #2: Sell you?
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, but it only works in Coney Island. Joel told me. He was walking closest to the street. I think he really likes me!
--Q train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: jesse
Marriage Requires a Different Kind of Acting
Little girl, holding Phantom Of The Opera playbill: Mommy, were those two people married?
Mother: What two people?
Little girl: Those two people who kissed.
Mother: No. Those were actors. They were just acting in a play.
Little girl: But then outside, I saw them hug.
Mother: I think they were just saying, "Good job." That's how they say, "Good job."
Little girl: Well, I saw them kiss so they better have been married!
--LIRR train
Overheard by: sara swank
He's Got at Least Three Out There. That I Know of.
Little girl: Mommy, can you go to the hospital and get me a baby sister?
Mother: Go ask daddy.
--Central Park
Overheard by: hbs
Of Course, I've Only Been Home Twice in the Last Twenty Years
Tourist with map: I don't get it. What's the difference between the dot stations and the circle stations?
Eccentric New Yorker: Oh, I have no idea. I travel by process of elimination. I get out at a station and see where I am until I get to the right place. I've been everywhere. Sheepshead Bay, Kew Gardens...
--Q train
Overheard by: A White Bear
So These Two Crackers...
Day camper: This one's a nigger joke.
Camp counselor: It's a what?
Day camper: A newer joke.
Camp counselor, relieved: Oh, go ahead.
--162nd St
Overheard by: Someone who also heard nigger
Saving Themselves for Marriage?
Teen boy #1: Well, it's too bad once they have their clothes off you can't get rid of them.
Teen boy #2: Oh, well I'd be like, "Bitch, what do you think you're doing? You beast!"
Teen boy #1: Yeah, I guess you can do that. Just like get them naked and then analyze their bodies, and then dismiss them.
Teen boy #2: Exactly!
--86th & 19th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: kelly
No Countries That Both Have PSP-Playing Citizens Have Ever Gone to War. Right?
Chinese woman, sobbing to her husband: [Furious, angry Chinese] PSP! [More angry Chinese]
Dominican kid, walking by: Yeah! PSP!
--Forsyth & Broome
Overheard by: Peter
Just When You Think Humanity Is One Species
Black woman #1, looking at the Time Warner Center: I haven't been in there yet. But you know it's not for us.
Black woman #2: Why did they put a J Crew in there? J Crew ain't never got nothing.
Black woman #1: I know. If anything, they should have put a Kohl's. They got Kohl's in there?
--Uptown M7 bus
Overheard by: Always listening to other people's conversations
It's the Adjective That Describes the Instrument With Which I'm Going to Kill This Girl Behind Us
Girl, talking loudly on cell: Oh my God! I can't wait 'til I get home to smoke a blunt. No, seriously, I can't wait!
Young child in front of her: Mommy, what's a blunt?
--Arrival flight, LaGuardia Tarmac
Overheard by: No you didn't!
And the Search For the Male Version of 'But She Had Big Tits' Hopelessly Continues...
Hipster girl #1, laughing: But maybe he was, like, ugly sexy?
Hipster girl #2: Really, though, not at all.
--F train
Overheard by: rachel kieffer
Mom Puts an Autobiographical Spin on 'Goldilocks and the 3 Bears'
Mom, to two young kids: ...so she grabbed the scissors for self defense, and she stabbed him twice in the back.
--106th & Broadway
Overheard by: inge
Barely Believing His Good Fortune, Mr. Guccione Handed Her Two Business Cards
Man: Hey, miss, would you be interested in modeling? You have a great look! Very original and unique!
Girl: I'm a twin.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: alyssa
And Maybe Give Up This Ironic Detachment From the Only Life I'll Ever Have
Hipster #1: I love it when my nose starts bleeding all over the fucking place. That just makes my day.
Hipster #2: Yeah, that's good times.
Hispter #1: I should probably quit doing coke.
Hipster #2: Yeah, probably.
--Starbucks, Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: not a hipster, I swear
Are You Implying a Correlation or a Causation?
Teacher: It just seems the longer I teach, the dumber these kids get.
--1 train
Overheard by: Soon To Be A Teacher
I Told Her, 'Pollock Has Done That to Death. Find Your Own Niche!'
Exec #1: So, uh, she's a squirter.
Exec #2: What?!
Exec #1: Yeah. I really haven't had any experience with that before.
Exec #2: Details.
Exec #1: Just...everywhere.
--Bed, Bath & Beyond, 19th & 6th
Overheard by: Mr. Waiting in Line
All Memory of Her Abducted Boyfriend Has Been Erased
Girl #1: Having a boyfriend then just wouldn't have fit into my schedule.
Girl #2: Which was: get up late, smoke pot, and go back to bed.
Girl #1: And watch Roswell!
--Pirates of the Caribbean 2 advance screening, the Zeigfield
Overheard by: Nick Draven
As Deep and Shitty As...a Really Deep and Very Shitty Thing
Guy #1: That's far. That shit is deep.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: 14th.
Guy #2: You think that's deep? Shit.
--St Mark's, between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Jon Door
Nah, I Prefer the Old-Fashioned Amputee Ones
Teen girl: You know, they should have wet t-shirt contests but with legs.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Katwoman
How Brigham Young Got his Start
Bum: Hey, want to get married?
Woman holds up her ring finger and keeps walking.
Bum: Aw, you're already married? Come on, I've got food stamps!
--29th & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: brian
Gail Really Needs to Stop Trashing Oprah in Public
Woman: She's always telling me, "You're so wonderful, you're so wise, you're such a great friend." And I'm like, "No, I'm just the only person left who still listens to you."
--81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Zed
She Lived in the State of Manhattan, in the County of New York, in the Town of the US
Man: I just got back from the Dominican Republic!
Woman: The Dominican Republic? Where is that? Mexico?
--JFK
Overheard by: Gabi
Weren't the Jews Totally Dehydrated?
White girl: Man, I'm sweating like a Jew in the Holocaust!
White guy: Yeah, and I'm sweating like a nigga on a rape charge.
--G train
Overheard by: hot and sweaty
Kim Jong-il Changes His Tactics
Hobo, playing a saxophone awfully: I'm gon' keep playing 'til somebody gives me some motherfucking money!
--Downtown R train
Overheard by: Eliot
These 'Movies' of Which You Speak-- What Do We Know of Them?
Tourist guy: What is that again?
Tourist woman: I believe it is some kind of movie theater.
--Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: Trish
She Means the Middle East of Central Europe
Girl #1: Yo, all these places are Greek. Owned by people who are Greek, ya know?
Girl #2: That means they're from the Middle East, right? Like Yugoslavia and shit.
--28th & Steinway, Astoria
Overheard by: Gregorio
The Production of Stupidity Is Clearly in the Hands of the Workers
Teen thug #1: That shit back in the day was like common-ism.
Teen thug #2: Yo, you mean Communism, stupid ass!
--1 train, 86th St
Overheard by: Tommy Wooh
This Just In: Jackson Daughter's Move to Iran Has Unintended Consequences
Preppy girl: So, like, Salman Rushdie had to move to America because that guy issued this fatwa thing against him.
Hipster guy: You mean the Ayatollah?
Preppy girl: I think it's pronounced "aya-toy-a."
Hipster guy: Ummm...Yeah, if he were Spanish!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: not an Ivy-Leaguer
Sucked Not Having Him There
Suit #1: Why wasn't Andrew at the office?
Suit #2: He took a blow-job day.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: someone in the wrong line of work
Inconsiderate Asshole! At Least I Got the Rest of His Morphine.
Nurse: I once had a patient die on me. That shit stressed me out!
--E 16th St
Overheard by: wendy chin
I'm in the Six-Party Talks With North Korea Right Now
Fat guy: Just because you're cute doesn't mean you're powerful.
Cute bartender: Oh yes it does!
--Mercury Bar, 9th Ave between 45th & 46th
Overheard by: derek rose
America's Diarrhea Runs on Dunkin'
Old lady, walking over to every table: Excuse me, but do any of you need to use the bathroom, because I need to do both and it takes me a while.
--Dunkin' Donuts, Flatbush & Ave L, Brooklyn
Overheard by: RCP
Mom and Dad Get Into the Spray Paint Again
Little girl #1: ...and their eyes became red and they started laughing at random things!
Little girl #2: Hahaha. Let's get out of here!
Both girls run away, laughing, down the street.
--Henry & Orange, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: CapitalJ
You've Got to Go Down to Aquaman Before You Even Find a Black Villain
In line for opening night show of Superman Returns.
Passerby: What's this line for?
Black dude: Man, everybody wants to see Supercracker.
--4th Ave, between 13th and 14th
Overheard by: Potomac
Always Playin' the Blister Card
Drunk hobo: You are so fucking beautiful. I am in love with you. Please let me give you a hug.
Girl #1: Please, no.
Drunk hobo: Why all you white girls hate on black people? We not all that bad.
Girl #2: It's not because you're black. It's because you're covered with open sores and blisters.
--Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Far
At Least I Trust That It Was Malcolm
Queer #1: Whatever, ho, you're the one who had a threesome with like eight guys.
Queer #2: Don't be saying that in front of company.
Queer #1: Who, Malcolm? He's not company anymore. He's penetrated our inner circle of trust.
Queer #2: How?
Queer #1: Because he penetrated one of our inner circles.
--17th & 8th
Overheard by: Zola mae
No Difference to a Lonely Hawaiian
Girl #1: I find it tart, too. Also kind of musky and a little sweet.
Girl #2: Mmm. Wait! Are you talking about pineapple or pussy?--Washington Heights
Headline by: Jay B
Runners-Up:
· "A little bit of everything goes into an Orange Julius" - Mike
· "A normal conversation between two airport drug smugglers" - Scott
· "And Why is This Tasting Room So Crowded?" - Greg Costello
· "Can it be both?" - saltwater
· "Pussy! But not yours. Yours is nasty." - Andy Adelewitz
· "Pussy." - Ray
· "That's why the Hawaiian word for pineapple is "poon"" - marcusj
· "The One with the Hole in the Middle" - DanC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Notice: This City No Longer Accepts the Good Wishes of Outsiders
Drunk Long Islander: Happy Fourth of July, New York City!
Old lady: It's tomorrow, retard. Go back to Jersey.
--87th & 5th
Overheard by: Hunter North
I Use Mine as a Vacation Home
Girl #1: Oh, I thought it was a purse.
Girl #2: Yeah, but I like it as a skirt, too.
--Urban Outfitters
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Luckily, She Shits Preservatives
Woman: I thought you liked the smell of poop?
Little girl: Only fresh poop!
--118th & Malcolm X
Overheard by: sk
I Can Only Tell You How Far Things Are From Maryland
Lady: 'Scuse me, sir. Can you tell me how to get to Baltimore?
Man: That's in Maryland
Lady: Damn.
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Have a Leg to Stand on
Mom, to two small children: I think it is better to be born with no legs than to be born with two and have them taken away.
--11th St & 8th Ave
Laundromat owner: She think she know everything! If he love her so much, why'd he go get that other girl pregnant two months after she lost her leg?! He should be giving her a baby!
--Laundromat, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Suparna
Wednesday One-Liners Get Around
Girl on cell: It doesn't matter how many people I've had sex with...If I can remember each of their names, then it isn't a lot.
--32nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Tommy
Girl on cell: You had a threesome with the mayor of what?
--144th & Broadway
Overheard by: McFreaky
NYU boy: Pear applesauce, strawberry applesauce, banana applesauce. God, it's like the apples did every other fruit in the garden!
--Food Emporium, Union Square
Dude: And after the party, everyone gets innoculated and takes the morning after pill.
--Taj Mahal, 6th St between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: lish
Woman: The problem is that men are paradoxically both a reason to be celibate and to have large amounts of sex.
--140th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Wake Up in a Tub of Ice
Woman: My sister had a kidney removed when she was 9, and she still uses it.
--Dojo, W 4th St.
Guy: Yeah, the only reason I have kids is that, if I ever need it, I know there's a compatible kidney around.
--33rd & 8th
Overheard by: kjsilopanna
Wednesday One-Liners Have a History of Violence
Guy, to girl: If I wanted to be angry, I would have punched you in the face a long time ago.
--34th & 7th
Woman on cell: Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
--33rd St & 31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Wade
Woman: It's not like someone put a gun to your head and told you to fuck her!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cha
Guy on cell: Yes, I'm interested in your sparring class...No, you see I want to hit somebody.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Braincurve
Thug, to his girlfriend: Yo, I don't care if you a girl or not. I will bust you in the head with a rock.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Big-Boned
Chick: Then he peer-pressured me into being morbidly obese!
--1 train
Girl on cell: Nothing's bigger than Oprah, not even my mother's ass!
--Ocean Pkwy and Neptune Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Dude with flyers: New York Sports Club! Only 37 dollars! Get yo' fat ass to the gym!
--Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: elwood
Little boy: Mommy, I'm sick of all the fat girls in Coney Island.
--Queens Center Mall
Walking VD: It's not cheating if she's fat.
--Outside Jugo Juice, Times Square
Teen girl on cell: Ugh, great. Now she's just going to make fun of me because I'm short and fat! Oh my God!
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Melissa
Wednesday One-Liners Think Ancient Greece Is the Word
Old lady, standing in front of the Leda and the Swan statue: Gee, I guess she must really like that swan.
--The Met
Frat boy: She was real "Helen of Troy" pussy.
--Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: the fiend
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Afraid of Any 666
Old guy on cell: I don't know, thinking about going to the movies. Maybe I'll see The Devil in Miss Prada.
--Mcburney YMCA, W 14th St
Girl: Yeah I sold my soul to the devil. I was like, "Hey, devil, can I sell you my soul?" And he was like, "Okay."
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Natasha
Queer: And, futhermore, we all know that the Devil does not wear Prada. He wears flame-retardant knock-offs from Target.
--Chelsea
Wednesday One-Liners Have Trouble Re-Folding the Map
New Yorker: ...and then the tourists paused near the construction of the New York Times' new building, and one, who was I guess their leader, pointed to it and said, "Everyone, that's Ground Zero."
--26th & Park
Tourist: And this is H Street. So we'll be in SoHo next.
--Houston Street
Tourist girl: Oh, look! I think that's Times Square!
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Sumitra
Woman on cell: No, I can't. I'm in the Times Square area right now.
--Canal & Baxter
Overheard by: Steph J.
Dude: Excuse me, is this Times Square?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Dumbfounded
Teenage girl: Does this train go to Manhattan?
--Times Square, waiting for the downtown C train
Overheard by: Courtney
Tourist: Wait, are we in Manhattan or just New York?
--Times Square
Overheard by: betsy
Australian hipster: Could you tell me how to get back to Manhattan?
--112th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners' Excrement Adventure
Old man, to man who has just sneezed on him: Fuck you, you shithead! Ya goddamn farthole!
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora
Crazy guy: And I'm just gonna take a shit in his fucking mouth.
--9th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Zak Santucci
Old man, to dog: Shit already, damnit! Do you hear me?! Shit already!
--51st & 8th
M4M Wednesday One-Liners
Teenager: Do you know where the Gay Pride Parade is?... I'm not gay!
--Astor Place
Guy: And so, this one gay guy in your office was wearing these pants, and his fly was open and this straight guy could see his penis, or some shit like that, right?
--9th St, Park Slope
Queer on cell: You really think she's into gay guys?
--NYU
Guy, pointing to gay hipster: That's like "I like it in the bum" written in hair.
--Peculier Pub, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Mad
Mom, to young son: It's not a matter of being gay or not, darling. I just won't let you participate in your school play.
--Broadway
Girl: Well, I couldn't really sing the last part. We were both on our backs with our legs wide open. The only redeeming fact is that he was gay!
--Corbin Plaza, Brighton Beach
Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl
Flamboyant tween boy: I hate health class! You know what I'm going to do in health class today? I'm going to tell the teacher I'm gay! And that I like to suck dick!
--5th Ave, Park Slope
Wednesday One-Liners Are Going to Hell
Asshole, pointing at a Chinese woman with Down Syndrome: Look a Mongoloid Mongolian.
--Pearl River Mart, Broadway
Overheard by: Philip
Girl on cell: Well, she wasn't a better person before she went to rehab, just a more fun one...Yeah, I agree, it would be awesome if she relapsed. God, we are terrible people.
--28th & Madison
Wednesday One-Liners Take Up Hobbies
Middle-aged woman: I really never cared for skiing, but I was so alone in my marriage, I found it was a great way to meet men.
--Burritoville, 77th & 2nd
Meathead #1, to meathead #2: Hey! Want to go to a ballroom club?
--47th & Madison
Guy, to passersby: Game of chess? Play chess? Chess?...Also got chronic.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Phil
And Wash It Down With About Half a Liter of My Trainer's Semen
Jacked gay guy #1: I'm feeling a little sick.
Jacked gay guy #2: Have you been eating enough?
Jacked gay guy #1: Well...I think so?
Jacked gay guy #2: Whenever I feel like I'm getting sick, I eat a lot. I just stuff myself like a pig. That way I'm making sure I get in all my nutrients.
Jacked gay guy #1: Oh, yeah, that's a really good idea!
--Saigon Grill
Overheard by: i'll have what they're having...
The Volunteer Ones Are Less Experienced
Woman: Well, you can hire kidnappers, can't you?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kerri
Usually She Just Gets Raped and Then Goes Home
Girl #1: So I played that drinking game, flip cup, the other day.
Girl #2: Oh man, that game is the best. Last time I played it, I ended up falling out a window.
--The Gap, Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Mandy
How About a Man Touching You While Talking in the Third Person?
Instructor: Mr. Hispanic man, talk to me. How do you like touching?
Student: I love it.
Instructor: How about a man touching you?
Student: Even better.
--Brooklyn College classroom
Overheard by: dp
Which, Luckily, is Self-Propelled, as Seen in Ghostbusters 2
Woman, talking about the Italian feast in Williamsburg: And they have games and rides and food. And at the end of the week they get strong men together to carry the statue.
Tourist: The Statue of Liberty?
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: just the driver
At Least That's What I'm Telling People. If I Lose Weight, I'll Milk the 'Miscarriage' For Sympathy.
Hipster chick: Girl! You got so fat!
Woman: I'm pregnant, you pinhead.
--F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
With or Without the Help of a Haloperidol Injection
A crazy lady is walking down the street screaming to herself.
Little girl: Mommy, why is that lady yelling?
Mom: I don't know, sweetheart.
Little girl: I think she needs a nap.
--19th & 5th
Overheard by: mic
They Make All the Kids Wear Those When They Visit Neverland Now
Woman: What's this one called?
Man, leaning in to read the card: Please Don't Touch.
--MoMA
Overheard by: Andrew Toutain
He Hasn't Jerked Off to the Land's End Catalog in Months
Construction worker #1: Damn, look at that piece of ass!
Construction worker #2: Those are like National Geographic boobies!
--9th & Broadway
Overheard by: Joe
I'm Pretty Sure She Means Harvard
Woman on cell: Yeah, my flight to Kansas City is delayed...Well it's either this or back to the mental institution.
--Women's restroom, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: morgan from missouri
By Which I Mean 'A Really Good Way to Get Coke'
High school boy: I met him when he was doing coke at my lunch table.
High school girl: He's a really good guy.
--Bay Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: W
This Gives Gandalf's 'Is It Secret? Is It Safe?' a Whole New Meaning
Chick: If I could sleep with any of the hobbits, it would have to be Frodo.
Guy: What?! Frodo is a total fudge packer.
Chick: Please don't call him that!
Queer: Especially in front of a fudge packer!
--Barnes & Noble, 54th & 3rd
Overheard by: Willowee
It's a Better Idea Than Current Policy
Long Island mother: It's so sad about the kidnapped Israeli solider.
8-year-old son: Yeah, when are they going to send Jack Bauer into Gaza to save him?
--40th & 8th
Overheard by: jewish boy
And That's How Your Belly Gets Big
Girl #1: What's cunnilingus?
Girl #2: It's like when a guy blows you.
Girl #1: It's a gay blow job?
--B44 bus
Overheard by: Sergey
We're a Sodomite Youth Group
Woman: My name is Mrs. Williams*, and I am selling stuffed animals for the Happy Family organization. We believe in the sanctity of family and abstinence before marriage.
Queer: You're talking to the wrong people.
Woman: Oh, you're college students. I thought you were a Christian youth group or something.
--23rd & 5th
Overheard by: Brian R
And, For the Record, It Was a Pink Sea, Not a Red One
Loud girl: I was like, "That's totally unfair! You can't pray that prayer! That's the story of my life."
--Outside Delacorte Theater, Central Park
Overheard by: Helen V.
Dude, If I Close My Eyes, They're All Naked
An attractive black girl wearing brown from head to toe walks by.
Stoner kid: Dude, if you squint, doesn't that girl look naked?
--Fort Greene park
Overheard by: Saddened
The Speed of Information Through Fat Is Drastically Reduced
Hobo, carrying huge duffel bag: I need money to get to Boston to visit my son. Can anyone give me money?
Lady: Here's 20 dollars for your ticket. Also, do you think you could run upstairs and get me a Snapple?
Hobo: Sure, lady. Thanks so much.
Hobo ditches duffel bag.
Lady, 20 minutes later: Well, I guess he's not coming back!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: cynic
And What Do You Want? I'm an Asshole.
Guy: Hey, Margie, you're wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
Bag lady: What do you want? I'm homeless.
--Outdoor cafe, 7th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Brittany
But isn't Canada the Party School?
Frantic, screaming child: But I wanna transfer. I wanna transfer!
Calm mother: And where do you wanna transfer to?
Child: Australia.--crosstown bus, 72nd StOverheard by: steven
Headline by: woo hoo
Runners-Up:
· "And Try To Get Through Samoa at Rush Hour?" - Greg Costello
· "But It's Always So Early There" - Kelsey
· "Kangaroos seek 21st century juvies for fun, romance." - sidruid
· "Kids Say The Crikiest Things!" - josh
· "She drank a lot of Foster's during pregnancy" - lc
· "This is why you should beat your children" - Adam
· "We Brits would have sent him for free in the old days" - Iain, London
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Brunettes Have Four Weeks More Fun!
Blonde chick: I don't understand. It's stupid. You mutiply it by 4.
Brunette chick: No, there are 52 weeks in a year.
Blonde chick: No, you multiply the months by 4. 12 times 4, and you get 48.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Bystander
You Said the Back Of Your Throat Itched!
Guy #1: Dude. Don't hold my hand; that is so gay.
Guy #2: Ok, so I can suck your dick, but not hold your hand?
--Outside Down The Hatch, 4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Romany
Along With Veronica Mars Totally Getting Raped
Girl #1: No, I gave it up. I don't paint at all anymore.
Girl #2: No?
Girl #1: I never got anything at all out of it, whatsoever.
Girl #2: That's too bad.
Girl #1: Yeah, it's one of the most tragic things in my life.
--Manhattan-bound L train
Overheard by: Rick
I Didn't Mean To Hit 'Loop' On your Brain
Ghetto man #1: I didn't mean to, man, you know it. I apologize.
Ghetto man #2: I will kill you!
Ghetto man #1: C'mon, man, you know it. I didn't mean to!
Ghetto man #2: I will kill you!
Ghetto man #1: Man, c'mon, we can figure it out!
Ghetto man #2: I will kill you! I will kill you! I will kill you! I will kill you!
--West Village, 3 a.m.
Overheard by: Isha
Three More Seconds and He'll Admit He's a Crack Whore
Hobo: Excuse me, sir?
Queer: Ew, don't talk to me. I have class.
Hobo: Fuckwit.
Queer: As least I got money.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Gary
I'm Making $3000 a Night, Easy, On Cleveland Steamers!
Girl #1: My poop is like my cat's.
Girl #2: Like pellets?
Girl #1: No, like chronic diarrhea.
Girl #2: Why don't you take it to the vet?
Girl #1: I havn't even taken myself to the doctor, so why would I bother going for the cat?
--Time Warner Building, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Somehow That Whole Process Put Us Out On the Street
Hobo #1: Back in the day, lesbians were forced to get married to men.
Hobo #2: So what happened?
Hobo #1: They got jobs and can afford to have girlfriends.
--53rd & 5th
Overheard by: Victor C.
No, You Should Feel Bad Because I Can't Fucking See Around You, Fatty
Mets fan: Yo, white and chubby, sit down!
Chick: Just because some loser Mets fan wants an anorexic, Abercrombie-wearing, dick-sucking, slutty cunt for a girlfriend, I should feel bad because you think I'm white and chubby?!
--Yankee Stadium, between sections 37 & 39
Overheard by: another creature
The Gentleman Bandit Makes a Reservation
Guy: If I send a guy over with a bag...how much money can you put in it?
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: tay-no
The Fallout Girls Come to an Agreement
Woman #1: On days as hot as this, it's okay not to wear panties!
Woman #2: I don't know about that. I like to keep it all in there.
Woman #3: Yeah, I agree. I don't want anything to be drippin'.
--Willoughby & Carlton, Brooklyn
Overheard by: BZD
ABBA's Legacy of Cruelty Continues
Scottish guy #1: No, I don't like her. Should I break up with her?
Scottish guy #2: Yes, definitely!
Scottish guy #1: Nah, I think I'll rent a stretch limo, take her to see Mamma Mia in Glasgow for Valentine's and rent a hotel room and then break up with her.
Scottish guy #2: What?
Scottish guy #1: What, is that bad?
--Planet Hollywood, Times Square
Overheard by: Cherie
Can I Talk About David Lynch?
White chick: And they kept talking shit about gay people.
White guy: Fucking bigots. Those people should be lynched.
White chick: Shh! I told you to stop talking about lynching in this neighborhood!
--143rd & Broadway
It's Okay-- It's His Job to Stand There
Tourist man: Pardon me, officer, can you tell us where Orchard Street is?
Cop: See that naked Chinese guy?
Tourist man: Ummm...Yeah.
Cop: Walk down to him and make a left.
Tourist man: Um, thanks.
Cop: No problem.
--Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: Isaac
Raise Your Hand If You Think That Woman Spat in It
A girl finishes her Starbucks drink.
Woman: That's right, suck it down. Good to the last drop.
Girl: For $4.50, you better believe I am!
--1 train
Overheard by: Megan C.
To Be Fair, She's Really More Of a Cyborg
20-Something #1: My roommate was this die-hard Christian.
20-Something #2: Born again?
20-Something #1: No, just regular.
20-Something #2: What's the difference?
Pause.
20-Something #1: I don't really know.
20-Something #2: My first roommate was, too. She liked this one lady, Joyce Meyers.
20-Something #1: I didn't know that women could be priestesses in the Catholic religion.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: jtango
I Didn't Know Cheney Had Kids That Age
Amherst alum: So we're looking over the applications, and there are all these amazing kids. Won the Westinghouse, worked for the UN. And the questions: "Who do you most look up to?" "My parents, because they're immigrants, and they taught me to work hard." And with each of them it's like, "in". And then we get to this one, it's like, "What's a recent intellectually stimulating experience?" The answer is, "I love my dog, walking my dog." Stuff like that. On and on, really ridiculous. And then, "Who do you most look up to?" The answer: "my parents, especially my dad. He's the President of the United States." And we look at each other, and Steve is like, "in."
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Julia Mandell
From the Forthcoming Strom Thurmond Bio-Pic
Husband, to wife: In all eyes I am above you. [God] says you must do everything I say without question. If you weren't pregnant, I wouldn't even feed you.
--D train
Overheard by: jason
I Even Miss the Abortions
Late-20's professional #1: Aw, I miss being a ho-bag.
Late-20's professional #2: I know, me too. And I was so good at it!
--Starbucks, Broadway & Barclay
Overheard by: Sarah Vanderbilt
Should We Tell Him Monopoly Has Money in It?
Hobo: Hey, can you spare some money?
Man: Sorry.
Hobo: That's my favorite board game!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Jason
I Mean, Since the Invention of the Elevator
Brown guy: That nigga act like he never seen a Sherpa before! Ignorant.
White guy: Well, he probably hasn't. You aren't that common, you know.
--Greene & Grand
Overheard by: lil pirate
Rude Would Have Been Kinder
New Yorker: Coney Island is fun if you like that stuff. I mean, there's a lot of nationalities down there so their accents are all...They talk like the Sopranos. Do you know about the Sopranos?
Tourist: Um.
--R Train, 28th St
Overheard by: Nick McDowell
Sarcasm Won't Help Them, Either
Girl #1: So, I just got my HIV test done for the Peace Corps.
Girl #2: Yeah, you wouldn't want to bring AIDS to Africa or anything.
--52nd St
Overheard by: that's just wrong
Fewer Birthdays (Duh)
Old Hispanic man: Happy Birthday!
Little Hispanic girl: It's not my birthday!
Old Hispanic man: Yes it is! Now that we live here, today is everybody's birthday!
Little Hispanic girl: No.
Old Hispanic man: Sí! Happy Birthday!
White girl, passing by: Oh, for Christ's sake. Why can't they go back where they came from?
--105th & Madison
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Before AD 1, It Was Burgers Or Nothing
Little girl: Mommy, look at the fishes!
Mother: You know where all these creatures come from?
Girl: Jesus?
Mother: You betcha.
--New York Aquarium, Coney Island
Overheard by: Swear I'm not listening...
...From Everything But Silicone and Perjury
Girl #1: What are you doing today?
Girl #2: I dunno. What should we do to celebrate our country's independence?
Girl #1: Oh yeah, it's July 4th. You know what we should celebrate instead?
Girl #2: What?
Girl#1: Lil' Kim's independence.
--109th & Broadway
Overheard by: Angelica Cayne
Yet Always Having to Suffer Idiots From Jersey Hitting On You at Bars
Woman, watching the Yankees lose on TV: Are the Mets playing? Let's watch the Mets. At least that way we won't have to be ashamed to be New Yorkers.
Man sitting next to her: You should never be ashamed to be a New Yorker. Being a New Yorker means never being ashamed and never having to say you're sorry.
--Bar, 81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Zed
Besides, I Was Arrested Last Year For Gathering
Teen #1: Yo, what are you doing?
Teen #2: Looking.
Teen #3: Yo, man, you always looking for something.
Teen #2: We African, man! We needs to hunt!
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Michele
Regardless, They're Pretty Much Dead-Set On Calling It 'Paris'
Girl: Paris Hilton has a fragrance?! What's it supposed to smell like, unwashed crotch?
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Rainey