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July 2006 Archives
It's 157, Your Weight in Pounds
D'Agostino check-out counter girl, loudly into the store intercom: Jason, what's your password?
--D'Agostino, Greenwich & Barrow
When He Drinks, the Human Torch Behaves Badly
Drunk guy: Hi, my name's Bobby Flamer.
Girl: Haha, there's no way your last name is really Flamer.
Drunk guy: No, seriously, look at my ID.
Girl, looking at ID: This says your name is Eric Flamer.
Drunk guy: Yeah. I lied.
--Bar None, 3rd Ave between 12th & 13th
Overheard by: Zak Santucci
In Some Countries, Losing Your Virginity Doggy-Style in a Bathroom Stall Is Considered a Rite of Passage
Mother: It's ok, honey.
Teenager: I just feel like a slut.
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: DaFunk
It's Getting Harder and Harder to Keep Up With Trends
Hostess: Actually, you are sitting on the table.
Customer: Oops.
--Sushi Samba, 7th Avenue South
Overheard by: AJ Stone
No, Dear Heart, I'm With You
Queer: I would never want my little girl to be in Girl Scouts!
Girl: Why?
Queer: Because Girl Scouts is for lesbians.
Girl: That's not true! I was in Girl Scouts, and I'm not a lesbian!
Queer: Yeah, but you're fat and alone.
--Washington Sq Park
How Do They Taste?
Hobo: Can anyone spare some change? Please, I'm homeless and hungry.
British tourist #1: Is that the same bloke from the earlier train?
British tourist #2: No, I think it's a woman.
British tourist #1: Oh! Poor thing. I wish we had a brassiere to give her.
--F train
City Mouse Needs to Get Out More
Observant girl, pointing at something on the sidewalk: Is that an animal?
Downright perceptive guy: No. That's a pair of pants.
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: Peter Horan
What Do You Think This Is, Tower Records?
Customer: Do you have the documentary on Marlene Dietrich made by
her nephew, David Riva?
Sales girl: Who's that again?
Customer: Marlene Dietrich.
Sales girl: [blank look]
Customer: Come on, Dietrich!! You know, Garbo, Monroe, Dietrich...
the big ones.
Sales girl: Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know everybody.--Virgin Megastore, Times SquareOverheard by: Gladys M
Headline by: Steve
Runners-Up:
· "A Virgin employee apologizing... she must be new, she hasn't grown a superiority complex yet" - Matthew McGuirl
· "Have you ever read anything by Seuss?" - Steve Harhart
· "He never could deliver a pick-up line without getting angry" - AK
· "I Need a Gay Male Employee at the Front Desk Please, a Gay Male Employee" - Jennifer Koretsky
· "I think she was in something with Tom Cruise...?" - Michelle
· "Plus he lost her at "documentary"" - Amy Stephenson
· "Sales clerk caught unaware of hip new trend called "History"" - Andy
· "She wears a nametag to satisfy her own curiosity" - Amanda
· "They're Dead to Me" - Toby
· "Wait. . . Your'e Telling Me Stuff Happened Before I Was Born?" - DanC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And a Year's Free Whispered Comments From Strangers
Arguably redeemable patient: What is the fee for breast implants?
Secretary: $1100
Arguably redeemable patient: $1100? Does that include, like, installation?
--NY Presbyterian Hospital, E 68th St
Overheard by: Johnny Drama
At Least According to US News & World Report
Lady #1: You need a school ID?...What the hell, let's sneak in!
Lady #2: I've been thrown out of better places than Columbia!
--Outside Avery Library, Columbia University
Your Engagement to My Sister Is Off, But We're Still Friends
White hipster #1: Yeah, I just moved into a place in Bushwick. I'm the only black guy for, like, five miles.
Other white hipsters stare at him.
White hipster #1: What?
--Yale Club, Vanderbilt Ave
Homelessness: The Secret Path to Wealth
Drunk #1: They found that homeless guy dead with $40,000 sewn into the lining of his coat.
Drunk #2: How could a homeless dude save $40,000?
Drunk #1: He's homeless; he don't pay rent!
--2 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
Yuppie Child Enters Lifelong Apprenticeship
Little girl, reading children's book aloud: Mariko is Japanese. She eats sushi.
Mom: But we know that [pointing to picture] is actually sashimi.
--M86 bus
Overheard by: Caitlin
To Say That This Would Hold Up in Court Would Be the Understatement of the Century
Wife: But, sweetheart, that sort of makes you a terrorist.
Husband: Look, just because I like to blow things up doesn't make me a terrorist. I'm white!
--Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: Adam
Wasn't This a Patrick Dempsey Teen Movie?
Mid-20's woman #1: What's the best way to get puke out of leather?
Mid-20's woman #2: I think you're too old to be asking that question.
--140th & Broadway
Mom Gets Her Inner Ho-Bag Out of the Garage
Man: It was nice to meet you. Now will you shake my hand?
Little boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Little boy: Because she gave you her number, but she already has a boyfriend! I don't like that.
Woman: Shut up. That's not true.
Little boy: If it isn't, then why did it say "Jason and Trish, together forever" on your phone, when I turned it on right now?
Woman: Together forever, my ass; now shut up!
--Q37 bus, Liberty Ave
I Started Having Bad Dreams About Daddy and Grandma When I Was 4
Grandma: Now, your daddy didn't come out of my vagina. He was sideways, so he couldn't come out of my vagina. His body couldn't fit out of my vagina.
4 year old: Oh.
--Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport
It Was a Little Hard to See in Your Mouth, Cynthia
Girl #1: I noticed his abs.
Girl #2: I noticed his ripped shirt.
Girl #3: Wait, so neither of you noticed his huge erection?
--F train
Overheard by: Michelle
But the Rocky Mountain Oysters Are a Little Better Back Home
Tammy Ealom: When I'm in New York, I eat way too much Chinese food.
Dude: Did you go to Chinatown?
Tammy Ealom: No, just some place up the street. When you come from Denver, pretty much everything is good.
--Dressy Bessy show, Sin-e, Attorney & Stanton
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
The Buddha Was a Tough Kid to Raise
Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Miranda
Better Money Than Her Allowance, But Longer Hours
Old Russian man approaches teen girl and says something in Russian.
Teen girl: What?
Russian man: You don't speak Russian?
Teen girl: No.
Russian man: Oh, well you want job?
Teen girl: No.
Russian man walks away.
Girl's mom: I think he wanted to hire you for an escort service.
--Sheepshead Bay train station, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Waiting for the bus
Preschool Boot Camp for the Battle Between Men and Women
Mother: Thas what you gotta watch out for: those assholes.
3-year-old daughter: Okay, Mommy.
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: Sanandara Bong
Now He's Planning to Trade the Woman and the Magazines For the House
Clerk: 20 copies [of ELLE Decor]?
Older man: My Hamptons house is on the cover.
Younger woman: Actually, it's not his house anymore.
Older man: It's my ex-wife's.
Younger woman: Yeah, he traded the house for me!
--Magazine shop, Gramercy
Actually They're Named For the 80's Girl Group
New York girl: Wait, who are the Bengals?
Cincinnati girl: Our football team
New York girl: Wow, that sucks, to be named after a kind of bracelet.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: leilah
Someone Should Tell Her the Classy Part Is Contained in 0.25 Square Miles of the Upper East Side
Mother, to little boy, who is trying to sneak behind some dividers: Stop it. You can't do that!
Little boy: Why not?
Mother: Because this is New York! People here have more class than you!
--Bouchon Bakery, Time Warner Center, Columbus Circle
Or Single. With Chlamydia.
Guy #1: That girl's not too bad looking. How old, you think? Married, possibly?
Guy #2: She looks 26 and pissed off.
Guy #1: So she must be married.
Guy #2: With kids.
--Madison Ave
Mr. Narcissus Kept Trying, Though
Drunken friend: That looks like the place to be! I'm going in that room.
Sober friend: Dude, that's a mirror.
--Rivington & Clinton
Maybe Next Time You Won't Smoke Crack During the Third Trimester
Mom: Look at this! Look at all this! You're in nature! Aren't you having fun?
Little boy: No.
Mom: Well then there's something wrong with you.
--The Great Lawn, Central Park
The Most Expensive Birth Control in the World
Man #1: Aw, man, that's not right. She's pregnant.
Man #2: All the better-- that means you can bust right inside her.
--Boardwalk, Coney Island
Overheard by: Lauren
We Can Get Those Two Chicks. They Seemed Interested in Some Hot Dogs and Beer.
Bus driver stops in the middle of the street, opens the door, and yells out: Hey! I called you last night, why you didn't answer? Yeah, I'm working now...What you doing this weekend? Wanna go fishing? Let's do barbeque. What? Yeah, yeah, man, let's get some barbeque going. Okay, I have to work now. I'll call you later tonight.
--Bell Boulevard, Queens
We're Trying to Get You to Develop an Immunity
Little girl: Ew, Daddy, it smells like Jersey over here.
Dad: I know, sweetie.
--30th St
Overheard by: Kate
Officer, I am Innocent. The Tire Iron Hit His Head!
Dude #1 opens a taxi door, hitting Dude #2's car.
Dude #2: Yo, man, what the fuck? You hit my car!
Dude #1, walking away: The taxi hit your car.
--28th, between 10th & 11th
Overheard by: Milan P
They Had the Same Problem With A Bronx Tale
Girl #1: Where did the first movie take place?
Girl # 2: I thought it was Australia, cause, you know, that was part of the British empire and all.
Girl #1: I think it was some Asian country. Didn't they talk about Singapore a lot?
Girl #2: Yeah, maybe some place like that.
Girl #1, after a few minutes: Oh, shit, the Caribbean!
--Pirates of the Caribbean II, movie theater, 34th St
Overheard by: Anny O and S. Bitchards
When Urban Patois Jumps the Shark
Teenage son, to his white dad: Dad, you look like a homeless person!
White mom: Yeah, you want a dollar, nigga!?
--87th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rob Dobrenski
In Porn, the Same Blondes Can Play Swedish or Swiss Characters. Hence the Mix-Up.
Girl: Isn't your dad Swiss?
Guy: No, he's Swedish.
Girl: Oh, that's right: people are Swedish, things are Swiss. Well, actually, they're interchangeable.
--Sprint Store, 8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Thunder
Yes, Jessica, the Ones From the Sea
Girl #1: That falafel was super good! What's it made out of?
Girl #2: Chickpeas.
Girl #1: Oh. You mean, like, from chickens?
--East Village
Overheard by: S.
I Hear This Is How Tom Paine Got Started
Drunk man: Where are all my taxes going?! To housing for people who can only make over $60,000 a year?! I don't wanna pay for a stadium! Mayor Bloomberg is an asshole! The elections are coming up, people!
Business guy: So why don't you run for office?
Drunk man: I ain't running for office! I want the people to know! The elections are coming up! Bloomberg is an asshole!
Business guy: And who'd you vote for?
Drunk man: I didn't vote! I was on parole!...I ain't on parole anymo'!
--Brooklyn bound J train
Overheard by: Cara
I Always Wondered Who That 'and Repeat' Was Aimed At
Asian queen #1: First I shampoo and then I rinse and then I shampoo and then I rinse and then I condition and then I shampoo and then I condition and then I rinse.
Asian queen #2: The problem is that you're telling your hair what it wants. You're not asking your hair what it wants.
--Uptown 2 train
Spheres of Influence
Woman: I'm sorry, I know this is probably a lot to ask for, so I apologize, but do you think that you could maybe close your legs a little bit, please?
Suit, with his legs still spread wide: No. My balls are too big.
--7 train
Overheard by: cowering in corner
But Did You Notice How He Held His Spoon?
Woman #1: I think Tom was kinda weird.
Woman #2: Yeah, he was really into Nazis.
Woman #1: Yeah, there's that.
--21st & Broadway
So You Can't Even Tell Them From Americans Anymore
Teenage girl: I really admire immigrants...even though most of them are criminals.
--Times Square
Overheard by: intern
Having Lost Track of Her Point, Martina Fell Silent
Girl #1: And everyone makes fun of me for working for Macy's, and it's not like I really care about Macy's.
Girl #2: Yeah, at least it pays the rent.
Girl #1: No, Daddy pays the rent, but still...
--Central Park
Overheard by: Sheila
It's Polite to at Least Offer Him a Scarf or a Belt
Hobo: Pennies for the poor? [to girl with Scoop bag] Oh come on, you just went shopping!
Girl: Which is why I don't have any money!
--4th & Broadway
Why Do You Think I See Dr. Milstein Twice a Week?
Son: Ya know, every time I go to a family reunion I discover a new family member I didn't know existed.
Dad: Such as?
Son: Did you know about Grandma?
--4 train
It's Actually a Great Way to Put Off Orgasm...Unless You're a Baldwin
Queer: Is it wrong to think of my brother while I'm getting fucked in the ass?
Girl: Oh my god, I thought I was the only freak that thought that!
--Times Square
Overheard by: eavesdropper
Coming Up Next on This Is Your Life, Pauly Shore's Parents Discuss His Birth
Thug: ...'cause most doctors will tell you, most doctors will actually tell you that a little marijuana is good for the baby.
Pregnant girlfriend: Really?
--14th St
Overheard by: Rationalization Whiplash
I Think She Wins Only If He Did It For Free
Girl #1: My mother is friends with tons of socialites.
Girl #2: Well my father fucked Madonna.
Girl #1: You win.
--6th & Bedford
He Rides the Subway For Research, Dumbass
DVD hawker: I got Superman, X-Men III, all high quality.
Guy: Those are illegal! You're stealing from me. I'm a writer.
DVD hawker: What? Did you write any of these?
Guy: You're selling illegal goods. I'm a writer. You're stealing from me!
DVD hawker: If you wrote any of these movies, you wouldn't be riding the subway.
--Uptown E train
Fawn Hall and Ollie North Do Some Catching Up
Person #1: So, what's the third state in the tri-state area? I know: New Jersey...Certainly New York. Is it Connecticut?
Person #2: You never hear about a bi-state area.
Person #1: What about Nicaragua. Didn't you have sex with both a girl and a boy there?
Person #2: I don't think the country of Nicaragua bases its sense of identity on my sexual exploits.
Person #1: Is Long Island a state?
--9th & Ave A
Posted 2006-07-27 |