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August 2006 Archives
In the Winter She Smells Like Yellow Snow
Little kid to mom: You smell!
Mom: Yeah, that's New York in the summer.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cody
2000 Years of World History Say, 'Yes'
Girl #1, watching clean-cut white guy who is playing his clarinet for money: What's he doing peddling on a subway?
Girl #2: Do we have to give him money because he's white?
--Downtown C train
Working Title: To Ralph, With Love
"Art" chick: So your film is only 7 minutes long. What it's about?
"Film" chick: I don't really know what it's about, but I can tell you what happens. It's in a classroom, but, like, it's really just a room...When Karen vomits in the corner, it's really exquisite.
--DuMont, Union Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Philip
Goldman-Sachs's New Technique For Weeding Out Interns
Suit: Excuse me, do you know how to get to Wall Street?
Warehouse employee: Qué?
--Outside a shady warehouse, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: sean
NewsFlash: After Renovations, MTA Announces Elimination of 'Gap' Accidents, Along With Total Immobility of All Trains
Conductor: When exiting, please watch the gap between the train and the station platform.
Older woman: Why don't they just fix the gap? Then they wouldn't have to bother saying that.
--LIRR
Overheard by: glad I don't live in LI
That's Because She Was Carried
Girl, wearing men's boxer shorts and sweatshirt, on cell: It was so awkward walking out of his room this morning...because I didn't remember walking in!
--Starbucks, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: just trying to get my morning coffee
Except in This One, It's Okay For Beaker and Dr. Bunsen to Experiment With Kermit
Tourist husband: So what is this show about?
Tourist wife: I believe it's like a Muppets story.--Avenue Q, Golden Theater, W 45th StOverheard by: Jose
Headline by: Michael
Runners-Up:
· "The Muppets Take Manhattan, Roll It Over, Pull Its Hair and Make It Call Them 'Daddy'" - Colin McCleod
· "...And Miss Saigon Is About a Beauty Pageant" - bri b
· "And Porn Is Like a Plumbing Story" - jdw
· "And the Dinner You Took Me to at Olive Garden? That Was Like Italian." - Andy Klingenberger
· "Avenue Q Tickets: $120. The Looks on Vernon and Estelle's Faces When They Hear 'The Internet is for Porn': Priceless" - what i wouldn't give to watch them watch the show
· "Everyone's a Little Misinformed" - ian
· "Maybe If the Muppets Took Fire Island" - Broomrider
· "The Same Way That Debbie Does Dallas Is a Travel Documentary" - Kristin Sacre
· "Today's Letters Are S, E and X, and the Number Is 69" - Iain, London
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Oh, That Rooftop Party
Barista: Man, I need some Vicodin.
Female customer: Let me look in my bag. [Looks in bag] No, must be in my other bag. My butterfly bag.
Barista: Oh.
Female customer: Last year, when I was depressed, a friend of mine took all my drugs. Then I went to her place, and I said, "Hey, can I have my drugs back?" So she gives me this one bottle. And later I go in her bathroom, and I look in the medicine cabinet, and they're all right there. I mean, why would she leave them there? She had to know I'd just go in there and take them back.
Barista: Ah.
Female customer: And later I went to a party--you know, that rooftop party--and someone stole all my OxyContin.
Barista: I was just kidding. I've had a stressful day.
--Alt.Coffee, Ave A between St Mark's & 9th
But Now That You Mention It...
Girl: I really wish we had stayed. I totally would have waited in the rain and gotten wet for Beyoncé.
Guy: I didn't know you were into chicks.
Girl: Wet from the rain, you jackass.
--Times Square
You Think You're Sick, and Then New York Shows You What 'Sick' Really Means
Guy: Is it just me, or does being sick make you really horny?
Girl: I'm pretty sure it's just you.
Guy: Oh. Well that may be because I'm just really horny all the time.
Girl: Then get away from me and watch some pornos.
Guy: I don't think that's the remedy I had in mind.
Random guy: There's no shame in masturbating, my brotha. It's totally natural. Hell, I do it all the time. I just did it five minutes ago in the Starbucks bathroom.
Girl: Run!
--Union Square
Overheard by: was on my way to Starbucks until I heard this!
What If You Could Get Carrot Juice From Your ATM? Now You Can!
Suit #1: You fit how many carrots up there?
Suit #2: Yeah, three. I couldn't believe it either.
Suit #1: Whoa, and you just did it for the first time this weekend? You better hope no one at the bank finds out about this!
--40th & Park
Overheard by: Nick Vilas
Wednesday One-Liners: Never Too Gay to Play
Sports enthusiast: Man, that guy was queerer than a football bat.
--40th & 6th
Queer enthusiast: My son can play football, but only if he's gay...Because, well, at least he'd be gay.
--The Cloisters
Wednesday One-Liners Mind the Gap
Man: All I want is vaginal fluids. Been locked up for years upstate.
--Astor Place
Hipster dude: It smells like dirty vagina out here.
--Graham & Richardson, Williamsburg
Amateur gynecologist: I mean, when you think about it, he's really just a big vagina with sand in it.
--93rd & 3rd
Frat guy: I don't know, man...I just don't trust her vagina.
--Outside Ray's Pizza, Houston St
Overheard by: Becky
Chubby teen: I've never even touched a vagina!
--100th & Amsterdam
Worker: They had a bet on who ate the best pussy. They get on the stage and take turns going down on her.
--32nd & Madison
Woman, to store clerk: Excuse me, do you knows where the pussy products is?
--Duane Reade, 45th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Need the Cliffs Notes
Drunk college kid: I had to read Grapes of Wrath. Which, by the way, has no grapes! Pissed me off!
--53rd & 7th
20-Something chick: Non fiction? That's true stuff right?
--Barnes & Noble, 54th between 3rd & Park
Older sister, giving younger brother a book entitled Living in Sin: Here, this is all about you.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Guy, to friend reading Dostoevsky's The Idiot: Hey, is that your autobiography?
--Times Square
Overheard by: John
Ghetto white dude: Yo, that nigga is like Shakespeare. Mad gangsta.
--9th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: shannon ramlochan
Guy: You can't talk to me for half an hour about Chaucer and then tell me you have a boyfriend.
--St Mark's & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liner, -Liner, Pants on Fire!
Guy pedalling rickshaw, on cell: No, I can't get there. I have no bike right now. No, I'm on the train at the moment.
--34th & Broadway
Man on cell: No, I'm not outside!...I'm in the bank!...I'm in the bank...I'm telling you, I'm in the bank!
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Middle-Eastern dude on cell: Right now I am coming in a taxi cab from JFK Airport...Yes, well, I understand your concern, but you see, I am driving the taxi.
--Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: math tinder
The Penis Mightier Than the Wednesday One-Liners
Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!...He has a huge penis!
--189th St
Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese.
--Red Hook
Guy dressed as a penis, on cell: If you don't get down to 14th and 6th in another 5 minutes, this is one dick you are not going to see!
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Madhu Maganti
Guy: I'd give an inch of my dick for the fries at Les Halles. They're that good!...Ok, maybe half an inch.
--Park Avenue & 29th Street
Overheard by: 11221
Teen boy on cell: Hey, it's Big Daddy! You know, Big Daddy! You showed me your penis ring last night.
--Times Square
Overheard by: laura
Woman: Aaah! I've got baby penises in my eye!
--Sephora, Times Square
Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock.
--Bed-Stuy
Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills
Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I'm going home!
--Coney Island
20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That's who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt
Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.
--Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx
Overheard by: Joshua Drumm
Virgin-For-Life: He's really sharp. He's like the head of Voltron.
--23rd between 5th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch
Dude: It's all right to be self-conscious about your feces.
--L train
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.
--Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave
Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an' shit already. I got places to be!
--112th & Amsterdam
Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: I went at home
Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I'm going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!
--Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Yesenia
8-year-old girl: Let's play poo-poo!
--Green St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: twelvis
Wednesday One-Liners Are What They Are By Virtue of Their Relationships
Girl: ...because I feel like we're going out. It's just that he won't call me.
--Dunkin' Donuts, E 14th St
Overheard by: MK
Homegirl to boyfriend: No, no, that's not what I said, that's what you heard.
--1st & Ave B
Overheard by: Mollena
Girl: In the last few years, every time I go away to Paris with someone, I end up breaking up with them.
--San Loco, 7th St & 2nd Ave
B&T girl #1 to B&T girl #2: If you lived in NYC, you'd totally find a boyfriend. You totally, totally would.
--LIRR to Penn Station
Overheard by: Pia Peanutbuttas
Sassy chick: I was having a glass of wine with him, and he didn't have anything to say to me. So I licked his ear.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Shrewd observer: That's not dating. It's called being on parole.
--West Building, Hunter College
Woman on cell: Well, I happen to like our Goddamn relationship, thank you very much!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Mike
Wednesday One-Liners Mention the Unmentionables
Man, pointing at window display: That'll make a nice gift for the wife: a pair of underwear that say "SALE" across the ass. Classy.
--Outside Victoria's Secret, Herald Square
Overheard by: sean
Hipster chick: Quite frankly I'd rather wash all my bras tonight.
--F train
Overheard by: braincurve
Woman to five elderly ladies: All right, ladies, put your underwear on and let's go.
--L&B Spumoni Gardens, 86th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Chick on cell: So how long did it take the four of you to find your bra the next morning?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Jess is hot.
Girl on cell: I am so not letting my underwear go on a date with his underwear.
--Prince & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Fries With That
Very large man, pointing at a McDonald's: Where were you last night at 3 a.m. when I was craving you?
--49th & 9th
Man wearing an "I Heart My Heart" shirt, to guy eating fast food: You're just aching for that heart attack, aren't you?
--46th & Broadway
Angry burger flipper: Making Big Macs is complex. It's 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...And then it gets even more confusing, 'cause people all have their special requests, like no special sauce. And that just throws shit off. The Whopper is so easy. It don't have shit on us.
--M11 bus
Asian girl, screaming into cell: I said, "Quiero Taco Bell!"
--33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelsey
Foreign tourist to cabbie: How much to go to K...F...C?
--Broadway between 38th & 39th
Overheard by: Gregorio
Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
--77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Joseph
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.
--Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St
Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!
--Times Square
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
--F train
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.
--Women's bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Aaron
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?
--Circle Line
Overheard by: emily
Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Burn, Baby, Burn
Queer: Hanging out with him is like doing charity work.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: J. Ann
Ghetto girl to thug: You can't touch this. Keep reminiscin', mothafucka.
--106th & Columbus
Overheard by: Shmoop
Guy on cell: I'll be real with you, man. I know more than you. I know a lot more than you.
--17th & 5th
Altruist: He's really nice so I just fake it sometimes.
--Elevator, 120 Wall St
Overheard by: Aubrie
Teen girl: She did what? Oh my God, she is, like, so off my top 8.
--1 train
Queer: Well, I do like the person you want to be.
--Washington & Charles
Loud chick: Who knows how he lucked out into marrying her? I'm just always thinking, lady, you are hot, and yet you married an Ewok.
--Starbucks, 71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
He Eats Some of Them While They're Still Alive
PETA activist: Excuse me, do you love animals?
Smart-Ass queer: Yes...They're delicious.
PETA activist: Murderer!!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: very entertained carnivore
The Delis Are Going to Have to Start Selling Matzoh-Ball Soup
Black guy #1, noticing white guy walking down the street: Aw, man!
Black guy #2: There goes the neighborhood.
White guy: This is the cheapest rent in the city. You better believe my people are going to start moving here.
--Franklin Ave, Brooklyn
If at First You Don't Succeed...
Halter-Top #1, screaming into cell: We're on 10th and One. One. One!
Halter-Top #2: Just tell him we're at 10th and one!
Halter-Top #1: One! [Pause] Oh, First? Is that what it's called?
--10th & 1st
Criminal Masterminds Psychic Bitch and Midget Indian Hulk Went on to Fleece the Entire City
Girl: That psychic bitch stole our money!
Boy: She told me I was insecure!
Girl: That midget Indian hulk lied to me. He told me palm reading was real!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: rafferty
If She Doesn't Put 'Mexican' in the Thesis Title, They Take Her Grant Money Away
Dental hygienist: What is your dissertation going to be on?
Grad student: The cultural barriers to health care for Mexican-born migrant farm workers.
Dental hygienist: How about the cultural barriers to health care for German-American dental hygienists with $2,500 deductables, instead?
--Hunter College
The Nucular Option Was in the Pre-Nup
Blonde model: I can't believe she wants President Bush at her wedding!
Brunette model: I know. What if he says "nuc-u-lar" or something!?
Blonde model: Why would he say "nuc-u-lar" at a wedding?
Brunette model: Helloooo? Because he's the President!
Blonde model: True...
--67th & Madison
But Who's Gonna Say, 'No, New Jersey'?
Non-Ivy-Leaguer: So where do you go to school?
Ivy-Leaguer: Princeton.
Non-Ivy-Leaguer: California? That's awesome.
--5th Ave between 26th & 27th
Overheard by: Shocked Onlooker
She Used Paint to Color Her Blonde Hair Brown
Dumb blonde #1: Yeah, so, like, Photoshop is better for, like, for photos, and Illustrator is better for, like, illustrations, and InDesign is better for, like, designing stuff.
Dumb blonde #2: Wow, I could never be a graphics person; that's so much software.
Dumb brunette: I could! I use Paint all the time!
--Metro-North
The Widely-Shared Janet Reno Fantasy
Hipster #1: Man, she is so hot.
Hipster #2: Oh yeah.
Hipster #1: But sometimes she looks like a guy.
Hipster #2: True.
--Outside Shea Stadium
The Frightened, Ineffective Kind
Grandpa: Honey, take off your shoes and put them on the belt.
5-Year-Old granddaughter: Me?!
Grandpa: Yes, everyone has to take off their shoes.
Granddaughter: But me?! Really?!
Grandpa: Yes, you too.
Granddaughter: What kind of airport is this?!
--JFK
OJ's Kids Get Upset About the Strangest Things
Girl #1: My dad bugs me, too. He's always buying orange juice because it costs less than other juices.
Girl #2: I'm sorry.
Girl #1: Now I fucking hate orange juice. What the fuck is that about? Orange juice is like a cheap whore to me now.
--Upper West Side
In Some Cultures, the Mother Rewards the Son on a Load-by-Load Basis
Little Asian boy: Guess what? I did it twice already this morning.
Mom: Did what?
Little Asian boy: Touch myself!
--Uptown M104 bus
Overheard by: Barry P.
Nazi Skinheads: 'We Knew It!'
Chinese girl: I just think it would be a little weird.
Jewish girl: Why?
Chinese girl: 'Cause I'm not Jewish.
Jewish girl: What are you talking about? You're Chinese. That's practically Jewish.
Chinese girl: ...True.
--SoHo
Forgive Her; She Went to High School in Kansas
Woman, looking at fossil: So is this like, a thing, or did someone make this up?
--Museum of Natural History
Doesn't Semen Have Fructose in It?
Queen #1: Where do you want to eat?
Queen #2: I don't care. As long as there are no carbs, I'll eat anything.
Queen #1: I know, let's go there. [Points to Mexican place] You can have the beans and, ooh, they have the best corn. That's a good carb.
Queen #2: Corn? I can't have corn; I'm getting fucked tonight!
--51st & 9th
It's a Small, Small World
Girl: You know, when my dad was my age he was singing with a traveling choral group.
Guy: Oh really? I didn't know that about your dad.
Girl: Yeah, the group performed, like, all over the world!
Guy: Really?
Girl: Well, I mean, like, all over Harlem.
--14th & 8th
Further Evidence of the Pretty-or-Smart Dichotomy
Attractive blonde: I'm going to have a cigarette.
Boyfriend: I thought you quit!
Blonde: I did, but I haven't had one in a really long time.
Boyfriend: Um, isn't that what quitting means?
Blonde: Whatever. I quit. I'm having one.
--44th & 9th
Overheard by: SecondHandSteve
They Allow Me to Forget My Children
Hobo: Please, anything. Anything will help. I need to feed my children.
Male passenger: I got some cookies.
Hobo: Yum! I love cookies.
--6 train, 23rd & Lex
Stereotype Showdown!
A bunch of Asian people get on the train.
Black teen boy #1: Whoa, shit! Half of China up in here!
Black teen boy #2: No shit, man. We better represent!
Black teen girl: I'ma get out my phone, be like, "Where my nigga Shaneequa at?"
--3 train, 116th St/Lenox Ave
Overheard by: quiubomona
Like I said, 'Look! It's Daryl Hannah!'
Teenage tourist, pointing: Mom, look! It's Daryl Hannah!
Mom: Honey, that's not Daryl Hannah. That's one of those transgender people.--Downtown 6 train, 77th StOverheard by: Anne
Headline by: pontiac
Runners-Up:
·
"As I Always Say, 'If You Can't Tell, It Doesn't Matter.'" - Dave
· "Must Be Nicolette Sheridan's Day Off." - seamus
· "Not to Mention She's still Tied to a Walnut Tree in LA" - Liz!
· "Perhaps the Blade Runner Left an Angry Inch" - megs
· "So That's Where She Went." - Eamon Stimson
· "Technically, They're Both Right" - Wes Mantooth
· "Tom Hanks Thought It Was a Fish Tail." -peter
· "Who Says 'Ambiguous' Isn't a Classic Look?" -
Dame Droiture
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Looking at Him Made Her Nave Tingle
Middle-Aged lady: ...then she started going to church and got pregnant.
--125th & Broadway
Overheard by: not mine
Dad Tries the Post-Modern/Eisenhower-Era Parenting Combo Attack
Dad, to little boy holding on to chain-link fence: Get off of that! You can't climb on that!
Son: But why?
Dad: Because it's art! And I said so.
--Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park, DUMBO
Overheard by: Lady