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August 2006 Archives
In the Winter She Smells Like Yellow Snow
Little kid to mom: You smell!
Mom: Yeah, that's New York in the summer.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cody
2000 Years of World History Say, 'Yes'
Girl #1, watching clean-cut white guy who is playing his clarinet for money: What's he doing peddling on a subway?
Girl #2: Do we have to give him money because he's white?
--Downtown C train
Working Title: To Ralph, With Love
"Art" chick: So your film is only 7 minutes long. What it's about?
"Film" chick: I don't really know what it's about, but I can tell you what happens. It's in a classroom, but, like, it's really just a room...When Karen vomits in the corner, it's really exquisite.
--DuMont, Union Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Philip
Goldman-Sachs's New Technique For Weeding Out Interns
Suit: Excuse me, do you know how to get to Wall Street?
Warehouse employee: Qué?
--Outside a shady warehouse, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: sean
NewsFlash: After Renovations, MTA Announces Elimination of 'Gap' Accidents, Along With Total Immobility of All Trains
Conductor: When exiting, please watch the gap between the train and the station platform.
Older woman: Why don't they just fix the gap? Then they wouldn't have to bother saying that.
--LIRR
Overheard by: glad I don't live in LI
That's Because She Was Carried
Girl, wearing men's boxer shorts and sweatshirt, on cell: It was so awkward walking out of his room this morning...because I didn't remember walking in!
--Starbucks, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: just trying to get my morning coffee
Except in This One, It's Okay For Beaker and Dr. Bunsen to Experiment With Kermit
Tourist husband: So what is this show about?
Tourist wife: I believe it's like a Muppets story.--Avenue Q, Golden Theater, W 45th StOverheard by: Jose
Headline by: Michael
Runners-Up:
· "The Muppets Take Manhattan, Roll It Over, Pull Its Hair and Make It Call Them 'Daddy'" - Colin McCleod
· "...And Miss Saigon Is About a Beauty Pageant" - bri b
· "And Porn Is Like a Plumbing Story" - jdw
· "And the Dinner You Took Me to at Olive Garden? That Was Like Italian." - Andy Klingenberger
· "Avenue Q Tickets: $120. The Looks on Vernon and Estelle's Faces When They Hear 'The Internet is for Porn': Priceless" - what i wouldn't give to watch them watch the show
· "Everyone's a Little Misinformed" - ian
· "Maybe If the Muppets Took Fire Island" - Broomrider
· "The Same Way That Debbie Does Dallas Is a Travel Documentary" - Kristin Sacre
· "Today's Letters Are S, E and X, and the Number Is 69" - Iain, London
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Oh, That Rooftop Party
Barista: Man, I need some Vicodin.
Female customer: Let me look in my bag. [Looks in bag] No, must be in my other bag. My butterfly bag.
Barista: Oh.
Female customer: Last year, when I was depressed, a friend of mine took all my drugs. Then I went to her place, and I said, "Hey, can I have my drugs back?" So she gives me this one bottle. And later I go in her bathroom, and I look in the medicine cabinet, and they're all right there. I mean, why would she leave them there? She had to know I'd just go in there and take them back.
Barista: Ah.
Female customer: And later I went to a party--you know, that rooftop party--and someone stole all my OxyContin.
Barista: I was just kidding. I've had a stressful day.
--Alt.Coffee, Ave A between St Mark's & 9th
But Now That You Mention It...
Girl: I really wish we had stayed. I totally would have waited in the rain and gotten wet for Beyoncé.
Guy: I didn't know you were into chicks.
Girl: Wet from the rain, you jackass.
--Times Square
You Think You're Sick, and Then New York Shows You What 'Sick' Really Means
Guy: Is it just me, or does being sick make you really horny?
Girl: I'm pretty sure it's just you.
Guy: Oh. Well that may be because I'm just really horny all the time.
Girl: Then get away from me and watch some pornos.
Guy: I don't think that's the remedy I had in mind.
Random guy: There's no shame in masturbating, my brotha. It's totally natural. Hell, I do it all the time. I just did it five minutes ago in the Starbucks bathroom.
Girl: Run!
--Union Square
Overheard by: was on my way to Starbucks until I heard this!
What If You Could Get Carrot Juice From Your ATM? Now You Can!
Suit #1: You fit how many carrots up there?
Suit #2: Yeah, three. I couldn't believe it either.
Suit #1: Whoa, and you just did it for the first time this weekend? You better hope no one at the bank finds out about this!
--40th & Park
Overheard by: Nick Vilas
Wednesday One-Liners: Never Too Gay to Play
Sports enthusiast: Man, that guy was queerer than a football bat.
--40th & 6th
Queer enthusiast: My son can play football, but only if he's gay...Because, well, at least he'd be gay.
--The Cloisters
Wednesday One-Liners Mind the Gap
Man: All I want is vaginal fluids. Been locked up for years upstate.
--Astor Place
Hipster dude: It smells like dirty vagina out here.
--Graham & Richardson, Williamsburg
Amateur gynecologist: I mean, when you think about it, he's really just a big vagina with sand in it.
--93rd & 3rd
Frat guy: I don't know, man...I just don't trust her vagina.
--Outside Ray's Pizza, Houston St
Overheard by: Becky
Chubby teen: I've never even touched a vagina!
--100th & Amsterdam
Worker: They had a bet on who ate the best pussy. They get on the stage and take turns going down on her.
--32nd & Madison
Woman, to store clerk: Excuse me, do you knows where the pussy products is?
--Duane Reade, 45th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Need the Cliffs Notes
Drunk college kid: I had to read Grapes of Wrath. Which, by the way, has no grapes! Pissed me off!
--53rd & 7th
20-Something chick: Non fiction? That's true stuff right?
--Barnes & Noble, 54th between 3rd & Park
Older sister, giving younger brother a book entitled Living in Sin: Here, this is all about you.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Guy, to friend reading Dostoevsky's The Idiot: Hey, is that your autobiography?
--Times Square
Overheard by: John
Ghetto white dude: Yo, that nigga is like Shakespeare. Mad gangsta.
--9th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: shannon ramlochan
Guy: You can't talk to me for half an hour about Chaucer and then tell me you have a boyfriend.
--St Mark's & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liner, -Liner, Pants on Fire!
Guy pedalling rickshaw, on cell: No, I can't get there. I have no bike right now. No, I'm on the train at the moment.
--34th & Broadway
Man on cell: No, I'm not outside!...I'm in the bank!...I'm in the bank...I'm telling you, I'm in the bank!
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Middle-Eastern dude on cell: Right now I am coming in a taxi cab from JFK Airport...Yes, well, I understand your concern, but you see, I am driving the taxi.
--Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: math tinder
The Penis Mightier Than the Wednesday One-Liners
Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!...He has a huge penis!
--189th St
Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese.
--Red Hook
Guy dressed as a penis, on cell: If you don't get down to 14th and 6th in another 5 minutes, this is one dick you are not going to see!
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Madhu Maganti
Guy: I'd give an inch of my dick for the fries at Les Halles. They're that good!...Ok, maybe half an inch.
--Park Avenue & 29th Street
Overheard by: 11221
Teen boy on cell: Hey, it's Big Daddy! You know, Big Daddy! You showed me your penis ring last night.
--Times Square
Overheard by: laura
Woman: Aaah! I've got baby penises in my eye!
--Sephora, Times Square
Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock.
--Bed-Stuy
Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills
Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I'm going home!
--Coney Island
20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That's who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt
Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.
--Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx
Overheard by: Joshua Drumm
Virgin-For-Life: He's really sharp. He's like the head of Voltron.
--23rd between 5th & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch
Dude: It's all right to be self-conscious about your feces.
--L train
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.
--Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave
Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an' shit already. I got places to be!
--112th & Amsterdam
Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: I went at home
Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I'm going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!
--Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Yesenia
8-year-old girl: Let's play poo-poo!
--Green St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: twelvis
Wednesday One-Liners Are What They Are By Virtue of Their Relationships
Girl: ...because I feel like we're going out. It's just that he won't call me.
--Dunkin' Donuts, E 14th St
Overheard by: MK
Homegirl to boyfriend: No, no, that's not what I said, that's what you heard.
--1st & Ave B
Overheard by: Mollena
Girl: In the last few years, every time I go away to Paris with someone, I end up breaking up with them.
--San Loco, 7th St & 2nd Ave
B&T girl #1 to B&T girl #2: If you lived in NYC, you'd totally find a boyfriend. You totally, totally would.
--LIRR to Penn Station
Overheard by: Pia Peanutbuttas
Sassy chick: I was having a glass of wine with him, and he didn't have anything to say to me. So I licked his ear.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Shrewd observer: That's not dating. It's called being on parole.
--West Building, Hunter College
Woman on cell: Well, I happen to like our Goddamn relationship, thank you very much!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Mike
Wednesday One-Liners Mention the Unmentionables
Man, pointing at window display: That'll make a nice gift for the wife: a pair of underwear that say "SALE" across the ass. Classy.
--Outside Victoria's Secret, Herald Square
Overheard by: sean
Hipster chick: Quite frankly I'd rather wash all my bras tonight.
--F train
Overheard by: braincurve
Woman to five elderly ladies: All right, ladies, put your underwear on and let's go.
--L&B Spumoni Gardens, 86th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Chick on cell: So how long did it take the four of you to find your bra the next morning?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Jess is hot.
Girl on cell: I am so not letting my underwear go on a date with his underwear.
--Prince & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Fries With That
Very large man, pointing at a McDonald's: Where were you last night at 3 a.m. when I was craving you?
--49th & 9th
Man wearing an "I Heart My Heart" shirt, to guy eating fast food: You're just aching for that heart attack, aren't you?
--46th & Broadway
Angry burger flipper: Making Big Macs is complex. It's 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...And then it gets even more confusing, 'cause people all have their special requests, like no special sauce. And that just throws shit off. The Whopper is so easy. It don't have shit on us.
--M11 bus
Asian girl, screaming into cell: I said, "Quiero Taco Bell!"
--33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelsey
Foreign tourist to cabbie: How much to go to K...F...C?
--Broadway between 38th & 39th
Overheard by: Gregorio
Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
--77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Joseph
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.
--Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St
Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!
--Times Square
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
--F train
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.
--Women's bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Aaron
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?
--Circle Line
Overheard by: emily
Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Burn, Baby, Burn
Queer: Hanging out with him is like doing charity work.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: J. Ann
Ghetto girl to thug: You can't touch this. Keep reminiscin', mothafucka.
--106th & Columbus
Overheard by: Shmoop
Guy on cell: I'll be real with you, man. I know more than you. I know a lot more than you.
--17th & 5th
Altruist: He's really nice so I just fake it sometimes.
--Elevator, 120 Wall St
Overheard by: Aubrie
Teen girl: She did what? Oh my God, she is, like, so off my top 8.
--1 train
Queer: Well, I do like the person you want to be.
--Washington & Charles
Loud chick: Who knows how he lucked out into marrying her? I'm just always thinking, lady, you are hot, and yet you married an Ewok.
--Starbucks, 71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
He Eats Some of Them While They're Still Alive
PETA activist: Excuse me, do you love animals?
Smart-Ass queer: Yes...They're delicious.
PETA activist: Murderer!!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: very entertained carnivore
The Delis Are Going to Have to Start Selling Matzoh-Ball Soup
Black guy #1, noticing white guy walking down the street: Aw, man!
Black guy #2: There goes the neighborhood.
White guy: This is the cheapest rent in the city. You better believe my people are going to start moving here.
--Franklin Ave, Brooklyn
If at First You Don't Succeed...
Halter-Top #1, screaming into cell: We're on 10th and One. One. One!
Halter-Top #2: Just tell him we're at 10th and one!
Halter-Top #1: One! [Pause] Oh, First? Is that what it's called?
--10th & 1st
Criminal Masterminds Psychic Bitch and Midget Indian Hulk Went on to Fleece the Entire City
Girl: That psychic bitch stole our money!
Boy: She told me I was insecure!
Girl: That midget Indian hulk lied to me. He told me palm reading was real!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: rafferty
If She Doesn't Put 'Mexican' in the Thesis Title, They Take Her Grant Money Away
Dental hygienist: What is your dissertation going to be on?
Grad student: The cultural barriers to health care for Mexican-born migrant farm workers.
Dental hygienist: How about the cultural barriers to health care for German-American dental hygienists with $2,500 deductables, instead?
--Hunter College
The Nucular Option Was in the Pre-Nup
Blonde model: I can't believe she wants President Bush at her wedding!
Brunette model: I know. What if he says "nuc-u-lar" or something!?
Blonde model: Why would he say "nuc-u-lar" at a wedding?
Brunette model: Helloooo? Because he's the President!
Blonde model: True...
--67th & Madison
But Who's Gonna Say, 'No, New Jersey'?
Non-Ivy-Leaguer: So where do you go to school?
Ivy-Leaguer: Princeton.
Non-Ivy-Leaguer: California? That's awesome.
--5th Ave between 26th & 27th
Overheard by: Shocked Onlooker
She Used Paint to Color Her Blonde Hair Brown
Dumb blonde #1: Yeah, so, like, Photoshop is better for, like, for photos, and Illustrator is better for, like, illustrations, and InDesign is better for, like, designing stuff.
Dumb blonde #2: Wow, I could never be a graphics person; that's so much software.
Dumb brunette: I could! I use Paint all the time!
--Metro-North
The Widely-Shared Janet Reno Fantasy
Hipster #1: Man, she is so hot.
Hipster #2: Oh yeah.
Hipster #1: But sometimes she looks like a guy.
Hipster #2: True.
--Outside Shea Stadium
The Frightened, Ineffective Kind
Grandpa: Honey, take off your shoes and put them on the belt.
5-Year-Old granddaughter: Me?!
Grandpa: Yes, everyone has to take off their shoes.
Granddaughter: But me?! Really?!
Grandpa: Yes, you too.
Granddaughter: What kind of airport is this?!
--JFK
OJ's Kids Get Upset About the Strangest Things
Girl #1: My dad bugs me, too. He's always buying orange juice because it costs less than other juices.
Girl #2: I'm sorry.
Girl #1: Now I fucking hate orange juice. What the fuck is that about? Orange juice is like a cheap whore to me now.
--Upper West Side
In Some Cultures, the Mother Rewards the Son on a Load-by-Load Basis
Little Asian boy: Guess what? I did it twice already this morning.
Mom: Did what?
Little Asian boy: Touch myself!
--Uptown M104 bus
Overheard by: Barry P.
Nazi Skinheads: 'We Knew It!'
Chinese girl: I just think it would be a little weird.
Jewish girl: Why?
Chinese girl: 'Cause I'm not Jewish.
Jewish girl: What are you talking about? You're Chinese. That's practically Jewish.
Chinese girl: ...True.
--SoHo
Forgive Her; She Went to High School in Kansas
Woman, looking at fossil: So is this like, a thing, or did someone make this up?
--Museum of Natural History
Doesn't Semen Have Fructose in It?
Queen #1: Where do you want to eat?
Queen #2: I don't care. As long as there are no carbs, I'll eat anything.
Queen #1: I know, let's go there. [Points to Mexican place] You can have the beans and, ooh, they have the best corn. That's a good carb.
Queen #2: Corn? I can't have corn; I'm getting fucked tonight!
--51st & 9th
It's a Small, Small World
Girl: You know, when my dad was my age he was singing with a traveling choral group.
Guy: Oh really? I didn't know that about your dad.
Girl: Yeah, the group performed, like, all over the world!
Guy: Really?
Girl: Well, I mean, like, all over Harlem.
--14th & 8th
Further Evidence of the Pretty-or-Smart Dichotomy
Attractive blonde: I'm going to have a cigarette.
Boyfriend: I thought you quit!
Blonde: I did, but I haven't had one in a really long time.
Boyfriend: Um, isn't that what quitting means?
Blonde: Whatever. I quit. I'm having one.
--44th & 9th
Overheard by: SecondHandSteve
They Allow Me to Forget My Children
Hobo: Please, anything. Anything will help. I need to feed my children.
Male passenger: I got some cookies.
Hobo: Yum! I love cookies.
--6 train, 23rd & Lex
Stereotype Showdown!
A bunch of Asian people get on the train.
Black teen boy #1: Whoa, shit! Half of China up in here!
Black teen boy #2: No shit, man. We better represent!
Black teen girl: I'ma get out my phone, be like, "Where my nigga Shaneequa at?"
--3 train, 116th St/Lenox Ave
Overheard by: quiubomona
Like I said, 'Look! It's Daryl Hannah!'
Teenage tourist, pointing: Mom, look! It's Daryl Hannah!
Mom: Honey, that's not Daryl Hannah. That's one of those transgender people.--Downtown 6 train, 77th StOverheard by: Anne
Headline by: pontiac
Runners-Up:
·
"As I Always Say, 'If You Can't Tell, It Doesn't Matter.'" - Dave
· "Must Be Nicolette Sheridan's Day Off." - seamus
· "Not to Mention She's still Tied to a Walnut Tree in LA" - Liz!
· "Perhaps the Blade Runner Left an Angry Inch" - megs
· "So That's Where She Went." - Eamon Stimson
· "Technically, They're Both Right" - Wes Mantooth
· "Tom Hanks Thought It Was a Fish Tail." -peter
· "Who Says 'Ambiguous' Isn't a Classic Look?" -
Dame Droiture
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Looking at Him Made Her Nave Tingle
Middle-Aged lady: ...then she started going to church and got pregnant.
--125th & Broadway
Overheard by: not mine
Dad Tries the Post-Modern/Eisenhower-Era Parenting Combo Attack
Dad, to little boy holding on to chain-link fence: Get off of that! You can't climb on that!
Son: But why?
Dad: Because it's art! And I said so.
--Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park, DUMBO
Overheard by: Lady
Satan Island, Starring Vincent Price?
Tourist: I want to go home. New York is so unchristian. Look at this, they even have a place called "Satan Island"!
New Yorker: Oh yeah, we New Yorkers are the worst. We even sold our souls to the devil so we could all read.
--6 train
(Sung to the Tune of The Hokey Pokey)
Thug on cell, after helping an old women with a walker out of the doorway: Yeah, man, you know me. Slashing tires and rapin' women, that's what I'm all about.
--Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: InnocentlyEvil
Unless You Fancy a Midnight Arraignment in the Star Chamber
Female relative #1 to female relative #2: The problem with this family is that nobody communicates...Don't tell anybody I said that!
--LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: ekercado
Meaning She Already Has the Perfect Place to Conceive, Deliver, and Eventually Raise It
Woman #1: Why don't you get a child of your own?
Woman #2: Girl, I already gots a car.
--Century 21, Cortlandt St
Because She Was Fat
Queer #1: Atreyu or Bastian?
Queer #2: Eww. No. They're kids.
Queer #1: It's not real. Atreyu or Bastian?
Queer #2: Falcor.
Queer #1: You and your hairy guys.
Woman: I want you guys to know I just realized why I didn't sit at the popular table in the middle school lunch room.
--Pax Deli, 36th & Broadway
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
When You Don't Care Anymore, Grasshopper, You Are a New Yorker
Budding New Yorker, watching two beefcakes rollerblade by in tiny black shorts and t-shirts: ...See, like that. I don't know if that's straight or gay.
--Hudson River Park, 15th St
Overheard by: Sunday Morning Jogger
No, Actually Just He and the Plant Are Working Together
Tourist, pointing at hobo: You stay right there. I'll be back; you have my word.
Friend #1: What are you doing?
Tourist: I'm going to give this guy some money, but I don't have any on me.
Hobo: Bless you.
Friends all open their wallets.
Hobo: Bless you, guys. See, we're all working together!
--7th Ave between 8th & 9th, Park Slope
Overheard by: jayloo
Yeah? Welcome to the Outside of My Bus.
Lady: Why didn't you stop the bus for me on the other side?
Bus driver: Ma'am, I'm not allowed to open those doors at a non-designated stop.
Lady: Good Lord Jesus Christ, I am not your enemy. Who are you? The Terminator?
Bus driver: Stop being so hostile!
Lady: You're the one being hospitable! Ooo, you are soo hospitable!
--M15 bus
Circulation Department. How Can I Direct Your Underwear?
Salesgirl: And, with this purchase, you get a free set of panties. What size would you like?
Girl #1: Oh, really? Cool. Medium, please.
Girl #2: How are you a size 4 in pants and an extra-small in shirts but a medium in underwear?
Girl #1: Well, underwear always run true to size. You can't kid yourself into thinking you look skinny when your thongs are cutting off circulation to your labia.
--Express, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: I would have to agree
Born-Again Brain Teaser
God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won't be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!
Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Danger Is the Spice
Teenage boy: I don't understand! If it's so tasty, why is it in a neighborhood where people start shooting at each other?
--Fulton & Pearl
Overheard by: bluekale
And the Time She Said I Had a Miscarriage?
Guy #1: No, man, she's been lying for a while now.
Guy #2: I dunno, man...
Guy #1: It's true. Remember that time I was like, "Hey, where's your baby?" And she was like, "Oh yeah...I had a miscarriage."
Guy #2: True. True.
--Pick a Bagel, 3rd Ave between 22nd & 23rd
Overheard by: Shannon
Apocalypse Now Had an Unwholesome Effect on Jared
Guy: Wow, a head on a stick! That's so cute.
Girl: We should soo take a picture with it.
--Museum of Natural History
When the Nose Job's a Little Too Good, You Play Down the Israel Line Just in Case
Kid: Would you like to buy some lemonade or iced tea?
Lady: Sure, what are you planning to use the money for?
Kid: Last week we were collecting money for Israeli soldiers. This week we're saving for a nice vacation.
--Apartment building entrance, Upper West Side
Overheard by: Julie
Dear Diary, Reynolds Admitted He Loves Me Today! Well, Almost.
Girl: Why don't you ever invite me to the dorms?
Guy: 'Cause if you wanna come, you should ask.
Girl: Well, do you want me to come over?
Guy: If I don't have to study, yeah.
Girl: Well then you should invite me!
Guy: Why?
Girl: 'Cause it would make me happy!
Guy: What the hell do I care?
Girl: Well, you wouldn't go down on me if you didn't want me to be at least pleased.
Guy: That...is probably the best argument you could have made.
Girl: I'm so glad no one speaks English on this train.
--1 train
Overheard by: Vicksburg
When Narcissists Converse
Queer: Oh my God, I hope that guy over there thinks I'm cute.
Hag: Oh no, I hope I'm not pregnant.
--Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: cooldude
What About a Really Big Dick?
Girl: So, if you had to pick between a longer foot and a flipper foot, what would you choose? How about one big merman fin?
Guy: Wait, are these options?
--1 train
Overheard by: Yesenia
That's What You Get For Leaving Your Hotel Room
Tourist lady, excitedly: I just met my first rude person in this city!
--Serendipity, E 60th St
Still, Nothing Says Romance Like the Snap of a Latex Glove
Conservatively-Dressed guy: So my fingers are covered with little box-cutter cuts, which means I can't go shoving them into the places that I used to. Now I might catch something.
--Brooklyn bound L train
Look, It's College. I Was Just Experimenting.
Girl #1: That was really fun. We should do it again really soon.
Girl #2: Okay, great! Like when?
Girl #1: I dunno. I was just sayin'.
--13th St
Overheard by: Jordan Green
Dude, That Was Stephen Hawking
Conductor on loudspeaker: Stand clear of the closing doors! [long pause] Retard!
Loud girl: What did he say?
Conductor on loudspeaker: Yes, I called him a retard!
--PATH train, WTC station
Overheard by: didn't hold the doors
If You Regurgitate Them at the Same Time, Is It Brunch?
JAP #1: Yeah, I was only able to throw up breakfast and lunch today.
JAP#2: Damn! I hate when that happens.
--Bergdorf Goodman
Hardly. He Could Have Said the Suitcase Was Full of Jessica Simpson CDs.
Younger black man with suitcase: I just want you all to know that I am getting on the train with a suspicious package.
Older black man, not looking up from his newspaper: Nigga, that is the stupidest thing you could have said.
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: observing on the 1
Sir, You Have the Right to Remain Moribund
Old woman to cop, looking down at man on sidewalk: Is he dead?
Cop: Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid he is.
Old woman: Good. Arrest him.
--Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: Wondering what this woman does at funerals
She's Imagining a Future Without Him
College-Aged guy: "Imagine"?? I don't get it. What am I supposed to imagine?
Girlfriend: Shhh, let's go!
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Overheard by: beatle
This Being New York, the Last Option Was Quickly Dismissed as Improbable
Hipster girl #1: I bet she had a frontal lobotomy.
Hipster girl #2: Really? I was thinking she might be slightly autistic.
Hipster girl #1: Maybe she's just really happy.
--Court & Warren, Brooklyn
Doris Brings Manhattan to a Standstill
Lost tourist on cell, blocking the crosswalk with her luggage: I'm standing on the corner of 42nd and 3rd.
Passing native: Yeah, and in everyone's mothafucking way.
--42nd & 3rd
Overheard by: She was in my way too
Nice People Suck
Tourist lady: People are so mean here. I think they should just give bin Laden the nuclear warhead and let him take this place out. Make this Ground Zero.
Pet-Adoption man: Uh...
Tourist lady: And I'm a nice person.
--Pet adoption kiosk, Union Square
Overheard by: Frightened for the Homeless Kitten's Life
Probably That You Are So Wonderfully Intelligent He Felt Unworthy
Young woman on cell: He said he just wasn't attracted to me. What do you think he meant by that?
--60th & Madison
Overheard by: The New York Crank
He Sat Quietly as the Train Carried Him Deep Into the Earth
Woman: So the subway in Abu Dhabi is pretty convenient?
Man: Yeah, but the only thing I don't understand is how they can put a subway on an island.
Woman, after a long pause: Think about it.
--1 train, Christopher St
In That Way, We Are the Opposite of You Happy Americans Who Make Crap
Belgian friend: Have you ever been to Belgium?
American friend: Yes. Five times.
Belgian friend: Really? Five times? What did you think of it?
American friend: It was beautiful, and the food was fantastic. But I noticed the people there looked so sad and depressed. Although I did see a certain pride in their faces...like they know they make great products.
Belgian friend, thoughtfully: Mmmm, yes. We do make great products.
--Joyce Theater, 19th & 8th
Overheard by: Shannon
And Why Can't Fully-Clothed Cousins Take Hot, Wet Photographs of Wallets?
Girl: I'll bring my wallet to showers, which is exactly what I did last time!
Guy: Hot, hot. What else do you bring to showers?
Girl: Clothes? My camera!
Guy: Oooh! Wait, are these discussions normal for us? You're my cousin.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Chiyo
One of Those Chore Babies
Young woman, waiting to deposit paycheck: They is killin' me in taxes! I got to get a baby.
--HSBC, Hanson Pl, Brooklyn
Overheard by: andrew
Despite Her Mother's Hints and Suggestions, Lisa Went to Oberlin and Never Returned
Teen girl: I've never figured out all those different deodorant smells. Why do you need deodorant with different smells?
Mother: Well, maybe someday you'll have a boyfriend you'll want to impress.
Teen girl: By having fruity armpits?
Mother: You never know, he might want to smell them.
--Union Square
It's Like Leaving Las Vegas, Only With Fries
Hipster #1: I had beer for breakfast this morning. Beer and cheese fries. And she had 'em with me! That's okay, man!
Hipster #2: Yeah, she's special.
--Chinatown bus
Why You Should Not Model Your Life After TV Commercials
Man, yelling: I love this woman! I love this woman!
Woman: So where's the ring?
--51st & 7th
Overheard by: kt
'Cause, Baby...You's a Heartbreaker
Young man, after unsuccessfully hitting on young woman: Yo, a nurse's job is to take care of the patients.
Young woman: Mmm hmm.
Young man: Yo, but I'ma be a nurse practitioner. They do the same thing doctors do.
Young woman: Oh?
Young man: I could perform heart surgery on you. Not legally. But I could do it.
--4 train, 2:30 AM
Overheard by: Brandon
Racism Begins at Home, Part 2
Daughter: One of my clients who is 6 years old can break dance. Like literally do handstands and drop down on his head and spin around. It's pretty cool.
Father: Is he black?
Daughter: Half black, half white, but he looks like he is white.
Father: Oh, so he's lightly dipped?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Ali
Eh, It's Just Baby Fat. He'll Grow Into It.
Female clerk #1: He's about 300 pounds now!
Female clerk #2: There's something wrong with that baby.
--Staples, Union Square West
He Invited Them Over For a Couple of Belts
Guy to friends: Did anyone leave a belt at my house? I found one in my tree.
--LIRR
Overheard by: hbs
You Owe Us $500. So, Yes.
Client: You don't abuse my dog, do you?
Groomer: Let me check your card.
--Animal clinic, Queens
In the End, Common Interests Aren't Enough to Prevent Homicides
Drunk girl: Kool-Aid is my most favorite drink in the whole world. When she moved in, it was like great, because it was like, "You love Kool-Aid, too? Awesome, we're going to get along great." But then it ended up, she tried to kill me with a steak knife.
--11th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Rick
What If I Get a Long Identifying Number on My Forearm?
Guy: So you don't think neck tattoos are sexy?
Girl: No.
Guy: What do they make you think of?
Girl: Prison.
Guy: What if I get my name in Hebrew?
Girl: Jewish prison.
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh
Great, 'Cause My Parents Would Absolutely Kill Me If I Didn't Marry Gay
JAP: Aww, but you two would be the perfect couple!
Queer: Why?
JAP: Because you're both gay!
--French Roast Cafe, W 11th St
Overheard by: mound charger
You Can Take the Ghetto Out of the Knock-Off Razr, But You--No, Wait, You Can't.
Frazzled woman: You ain't a man. You ain't nothing but a bitch-ass nigga. Just a fucking bitch ass!
Young gangsta #1: Psh, crazy bitch. She don't even have a cell phone.
Young gangsta #2, pulling out cell phone and waving it around: Yeah, she ain't even got one of these!
--34th & 8th
If It's That Much Fun, You Weren't Doing the Right Drugs
20-Something guy #1: I loved rehab.
20-Something guy #2: I did, too.
20-Something guy #1: You know, I'm so grateful for the friends.--19th & 8thOverheard by: Sebastian White
Headline by: Adam Nathan
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Forget the Free Detox Poncho" - Toby
· "And By 'Friends,' He Means 'Points of Reference.'" - Jessica P.
· "And Your Daughters Appreciate Not Having to Say They Fell Down the Stairs at School" - Fake Jew
· "However, My Intervention Was a Bore." - Sean
· "If I Ever Get Lonely, I Know I Can Just Relapse." - Colin McCleod
· "It's Hard to Find People Who Understand My Smurf Porn Addiction." - John
· "Its Just Like Summer Camp! But With No Blow" - Liss
· "So No One Told Ya Life Was Gonna Be This Wayyy (Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap)" - pete
· "That's Spelled F-I-E-N-D-S" - Bostonian
· "They Were The Mayo On My Cold Turkey" - Hellboy
· "You Should See the Support at the Sexaholics Meeting" - Mike
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But Do They Message You the Morning After?
Engineer #1: I would poke her, man. I would poke the life out of her.
Engineer #2: I have poked her. I have poked the life out of her.
Girl, walking by: Look, you two need to get laid. Facebook means nothing to us girls; we get a billion pokes a day.
--Brooklyn Polytechnic Institute
As Long as She Pronounces That Second 'R,' Everything Should Be Fine
Mother to two children: Okay, time to leave.
Little girl, trying to push her way through as her brother holds the door closed: Daaaaviiiiid!
Mother to black security guard: I guess that's just a brother for you.
Security guard looks uncomfortable.
Mother, quickly: I mean, that's just a brother's job, right?
--Bergdorf Goodman, 5th Ave
Overheard by: vivienne
Where New Perversions Come From
Guy #1: Dude, that chick is so hot.
Guy #2: Yeah, I would so pee in her butt.
Guy #1: Oh yeah, I'd pee in her butt, too.
Random dude, passing by: What the fuck?
--Times Square
Overheard by: MindControlFun
I'm Telling His Mother He Will Not Let Me Play Gangsta With Him
Thug: He is treating me like I am not gangsta. This is hurting me. He is treating me like I am not gangsta! I am gangsta!
--Subway platform, Herald Square
Overheard by: Brian
Wednesday One-Liners Enter a Persistent Vegetative State
Hipster on cell: Yo, eggplant can be vegetarian, right?
--77th between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Anonymous Ambivore
Middle-Aged woman: Damn vegetarians, always trying to take over the world.
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Emaline
Girl: Are bums allowed to be vegetarian?
--Chipotle, 6th Ave between 21st & 22nd
Overheard by: Rabid-Panda
Guy: She's vegetarian?! I thought she was an alcoholic?
--B7 bus
Shrewd observer: You've had way too much cock in your mouth to be vegan.
--Outside The Lucky Cat, 245 Grand St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Constintina
Shoeshine man to group of young people: It ain't natural. Our bodies, they have the hormones to digest meat. If we were like a goat--and not to insult you, miss, 'cause you're prettier than a goat--but then that's okay that we don't eat meat. But we ain't. We're carnivores. If you're a vegetarian, you gotta listen to your body. It's tellin' you: "Meat me!" You know, like, "Meat me!"
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: jacqmander
Statutory Wednesday One-Liners
Tourist: I want to have sex. I'm old enough!
--Outside Cold Stone Creamery, 42nd St
20-Something frat boy: Ya know, something tells me my wife hasn't even been born yet...
--6 train, Astor Place
Overheard by: Al
Young woman: If I were a pedophile, I would be the best pedophile ever because nobody would suspect me!
--6 train
Overheard by: Innocent bystander
Man, trying on glasses: No, these make me look like a pedophile.
--9th Street Optical, 9th St between 5th & 6th, Brooklyn
Chick on cell: Yes, I got fired at my job! Yes, I got fired at Barely Legal! I got tired of playing Twister in my pajamas.
--Airplane, LaGuardia Tarmac
Overheard by: Judy
If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere
Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.
--Battery Park
Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It's people like that who give New York City a bad name.
--Lindy's, 7th Ave
Overheard by: joemikehap
Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I'm a New Yorker; it's practically a requirement!
--F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Tourist on cell: Yeah! I'm in New York! Yeah, it's kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can't drink in the streets.
--Grand Central
Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Laura
Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that's why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York...except for niggas on the train.
--Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Clitoris Rex
Little girl: There's a lot of people in this New York City!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Should Have Tried a Puppy First
Guy, watching a toddler have a meltdown on the sidewalk: Where's Susan Smith when you need her?
--Hudson & Jane
Overheard by: jose clunie
College girl: Mom, I can't babysit them. Mom! Listen to me! I'm sorry, I don't like babies. I find we have very little in common.
--34th & Broadway
Lady: I don't know if that woman ever found her baby's head!
--King's County civil court, Brooklyn
Overheard by: kate s
Mother to infant: I'm so glad you're getting a personality now! You used to just sit there and bore the fuck out of me. I wasn't sure if I was going to love you! You're not going to remember that, are you? [to friend] Is she?
--Water St & Hanover Sq
Overheard by: zack
Guy surrounded by kids: You're all a bunch of savages. Little savages, that's what you are!
--151st & Broadway
Overheard by: Pants
Woman to baby in stroller: No crying! Crying is unacceptable. I don't care how bored you are. [to clerk] Does this come in pink?
--J Crew, Tme Warner Center, Columbus Circle
Lady on cell: No, she don't like anyone. She mean as shit...Nah...Nah...She don't even like her own children.
--Port Authority
Wednesday One-Liners Think 'Un' Is Also a Kind of Faithful
Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
--7 train
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Keith
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
--32nd & 7th
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!
--238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miriam
Wednesday One-Liners Ask: Hot Enough For Ya?
Logistical genius: If the power goes out and we lose the air conditioning, we can always use the fans.
--SoHo
Dude on cell: Am I keeping it real? I'm wearing a Goddamn blazer, and it's 100 degrees out. Of course I'm keeping it real!
--Hudson & Leroy
Conductor: Now, I know it's real hot out there, so this is what I do when I'm walking down the streets of New York and trying to keep cool. I just sing this little song to myself: "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know"...All right, you all, this is 68th Street. Keep cool out there.
--A train
Overheard by: Chloe
Woman to her son: It's too hot for stupidness.
--59th St
Proselytizer: You think this is hot? Hell is hot!
--Uptown N train
Overheard by: Cpt. Kate
Guy on cell: How you been doing in this heatwave?...That's hot...Well, now I'm getting all hot, thinking of my hot, sweaty cousin.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Nozomi
Dedicated employee: Frankly, the only reason I'm going in to work today is because they have better air conditioning than I do.
--Manhattan bound R train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Wednesday One-Liners Make the Beast With Two Backs
Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!
--57th & 7th
Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you've got trouble on your hands.
--Union Square
Overheard by: McFreaky
Chick, screaming into cell: What a bitch! I swear, it's getting harder and harder to fuck your co-worker and get away without people finding out!
--JFK
Overheard by: Pixie
Realist on cell: Well you can't expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.
--53rd & 6th
Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?
--St Mark's & 2nd
Overheard by: Diane
Business woman: No, I told her I'd rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.
--Chipotle, 22nd & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Boot and Rally
Very young child: Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha...
--35th St & 36th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Michelle M.
Drunk guy: You know, I get very annoyed when I'm really drunk and you're not.
--W 103rd St
Girl on cell: Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are! You! Drunk!? Are you drunk?...Cause I am!
--Bandshell, Prospect Park
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Guy on cell: Well, you can just watch me drink then!
--33rd & 7th
Smart teen: Wait, you're gonna use your fake ID to buy alcohol with a credit card? Haha, I'll just wait outside.
--34th & 7th
Cinephile: I need to get hammered like Mel Gibson tonight!
--70th & Park
Boy genius: That's one word to describe my brother: drunk and psychotic.
--Montgoris Dining Hall, St. John's University
Overheard by: Someone who can count
Stand Clear of the Wednesday One-Liners, Please
Conductor: We know it's Monday, and we're sorry, but we still want to wish you a good week.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Hates Mondays
Conductor: This is the 5:50 super duper express train to Great Neck.
--LIRR
Overheard by: vm
Conductor: This is an uptown D train, making stops to wherever I want.
--Uptown D train
Overheard by: tired commuter
Conductor: 207th Street. Last stop. Everyone wake up and get the fuck off my train; I want to go home. Thanks for riding MTA.
--Uptown A train, 207th St
Overheard by: How far north can you go?
Conductor: Stand clear of the...uh...opening doors.
--Q train, 57th St
Overheard by: K. Chas
Conductor: Everybody out. This is the last stop on the Manhattan bound L train. You must use the Brooklyn bound L train and connect to the G to the A or C trains for service to Manhattan. [The train empties] Hahaha. Just kidding! Everybody back on. This train is going to Manhattan.
--Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Taylor G.
Conductor: Good morning, Manhattan, it's Friday. We can do this! This is a Brooklyn bound 1 train. It's 7:54. You've got plenty of time!
--1 train
Wednesday One-Liners Are Hip-Deep in Vintage Crap
Drunk teen: You know, hipsters would be more successful as a movement if they had a purpose.
--Union Sq Park
Overheard by: Martina
Girl: I like to call the guys I've fucked by their jobs: The Cowboy, The Olympian, The Firefighter, The Soldier. Maybe tonight I can add The Hipster. They don't have careers, do they?
--Brooklyn bound L train
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm like 3 hipsters deep right now.
--Siren Festival, Coney Island
Girl: I see these hipster girls and they're in those little skirts with the high heels, and they're on their bikes. I'm like, what are you doing? I hope you get hit by a car.
--1st Ave between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Kira
If You Can't Do the Time, Don't Do the Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: I can't believe it. I just can't believe I'm being charged in connection with this crime. I mean she's the one--she's the one who committed manslaughter.
--Elevator, Macy's
Cashier girl: You know, we haven't gotten robbed in a while. I can't believe it!
--Blockbuster, 94th & Broadway
Man: If I had anything to say him it would be this: prison is going to be hard on you because fraud is a crime!
--E train platform, 14th St
Overheard by: Cameron Rose
Dude: I'm just glad to be off the FBI's Most Wanted list.
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Guy on cell: Guess who I interviewed today? This guy got sent to jail twice for sodomy...I had to call him back after I read that...But at least he's not, like, a thief or something. I bet those two tear drops were for the guys he fucked.
--Union Square
Overheard by: confabulation nation
20-Something guy: It wouldn't look good on your job application if you got arrested.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Kathy
Cop, arresting a man: I understand that, but you know it's not really about being a good guy or being a bad guy. It's about you taking that nice woman's wallet.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: SUSAN
Wednesday One-Liners Will See You at the Ren Fair
Woman: She had sex with a dragon. She had sex with a dragon! I keep seeing her and wantin' to ask, "Yo, how's the dragon?"
--Ollie's, 69th & Broadway
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Virgin-For-Life on cell: Did you vanquish the dragon?...Yo, I told you to vanquish the dragon! Dumb ass nigga. Damn.
--Gristedes, West Village
Overheard by: KoryD
Nanny to little boy: I think each country must have its own Tooth Fairy.
--5th & President, Park Slope
Overheard by: b
Hipster on cell: It's cooler, and you're a vampire. Ok, I get it.
--6th St & 1st Ave
Because I'm Puerto Rican
Queer #1: What did he just say?
Queer #2: He called you maricon. It means faggot in Spanish.
Queer #1: Oh, thank God. I thought he called me Mexican. I was about to be really offended.
--Lorimer St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ray
Isn't That From Dr. Seuss's 'I Don't Like Penis Made of Glass/ I Do Not Like It in My Ass'?
Younger woman: Have you seen any of the Chihuly glass?
Elderly woman: Yes, it looks like penises with diseases!
--New York Botanical Garden, the Bronx
Cookie Monster Greeted Them and Sang a Song to Explain 'Up' and 'Down'
Man #1: Do you need help getting anywhere?
Momo #1: I dunno.
Momo #2: Umm, what's that place? Penn something?
Momo #3: We need to go downtown to Grand Central Station.
Man #1: Oh, okay. You're fine. You need to keep going uptown on this train.
Momo #2: Are you, umm, sure? 'Cause it says we need to go downtown.
Momo #1: Maybe there's more than one Grand Central, stupid.
Momo #2: Shut up!
Momo #1: Excuse me, is there more than one?
Woman: No, you ladies are fine. There's only one, and you're on the right train.
Momo #3: That's so stupid. These directions told us we need to go downtown.
Momo #1: Yeah, like what's up with that?
Man #2: It depends on where you start. If you were north of Grand Central you would have to go downtown, but if you were south of it you need to go uptown.
Three momos stare vacantly at man #2.
Woman: This is your stop, ladies.
Momo #2, walking off the train: This is probably the wrong Grand Central.
--Uptown 6 train
Overheard by: Beerinder
And This Over Here Is a Box-Cutter, Which Is Used on Muslim Christmas
Midwestern child: Daddy, what's that candle thing?
Midwestern father: It's called a menorah. They use it on Jewish Christmas.
--Spamalot, Shubert Theatre, W 44th St
The Novelty of Non-Cooking Sluts Soon Wears Off
Idealist: I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl who will make omelets and won't sleep with my friends.
--7th & Ave A
And She Caused the Great Depression, Which Is Also Embarrassing and Totally Not Cute
Mom: You had a cute nickname in college, right, honey?
Girl: No, mom.
Mom: What was it again?
Girl: Hoover.
Mom: So, why is that so bad?
Girl: Because it had to do with my suction power, not my vacuums.
--42nd & 6th
At the Israel-Hezbollah Peace Talks
Woman: Man, don't you fucking fall on me!
Queer: I didn't fall on you. [under his breath] Idiot.
Woman: You the fuckin' idiot, fuckin' idiot.
Big guy: You see that? You see how quickly that escalated? All because of courtesy. That guy couldn't even apologize.
Queer: I didn't fall on her; she's just being retarded.
Woman: You a fuckin' retard!
Big guy: I love this city.
--Downtown 1 train
When Publicists Get Into the Catnip
Mandy Moore: So, what's the plan for the party?
Publicist: So, I was thinking, you show up at the party, right? And they check your name or whatever, and then, get this, a clown escorts you to your table.
Mandy Moore: A clown?
Publicist: I know, right?
--Elevator, The Archive Building, Greenwich & Christopher
I Thought Buffalo Was Where the Women Looked Like Cows
Lady: What's a buffalo?
Guy #1: It's a black cow.
Guy #2: No. A cow is female and a buffalo is male.
--27th & Lex
Overheard by: confused desi
Well, If You Dismantle Capitalism, Your Fashion Options Will Be Limited
Girl #1: Anarchists are so dumb.
Girl #2: Yeah, totally.
Girl #1: I mean, just 'cause you hate the government doesn't mean you have to dress badly.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Liser
The Best Explanation So Far
Hipster girl: What's up with all the Jews for Jesus stuff everywhere?
Hipster guy: I don't know. I think Jews just try to adopt whatever's mainstream and will make them money.
--A/C/E underpass, Times Square station
Overheard by: Al
She Believes There's No Such Thing as Bad Publicity
Drunk ex-girlfriend: So what did you tell your friends you were doing tonight?
Frat boy: Going to the Mets game.
Drunk ex-girlfriend: No, really. What did they say?
Frat guy: "Hey, Dave*, what are you doing tonight?" "Going to the Mets game." "With who?" "My ex." "She hot?" "I'd do her again, for sure."
Drunk ex-girlfriend: Oh, that's so nice.
--Manhattan bound 7 train
Convertible Debentures?
Hobo: Young man, do you have any change to spare?
Guy: No, sorry.
Hobo: How about a $100 bill then?
--83rd & 3rd
She Got an MFA in Stripping
Girlfriend: Hey, there's a Juilliard School in New York? I didn't know that! There's a Juilliard in Boston. It's a music school.
Boyfriend: I don't think there's a Juilliard in Boston.
Girlfriend: Yes, there is! I went to it! The New York one must be, like, a branch of the Boston one. Like Penn State in New York or Ohio, or whatever.
--A train, 168th St
Overheard by: Girl in Juilliard T-Shirt
Portrait of the Social Worker as a Young Girl
Girl #1: Dammit, they're putting one of the wheelchair people on the bus!
Girl #2: Fuck, man...You know, they should just put a handle on the back of the bus.
Girl #1: Yeah, that could be fun for them!
--M12 bus
It Creates a Virtual Reality Which Gradually Fades Over Time
Technophile: Is that, like, a virtual reality machine?!
Empiricist: Um, I think it's a tanning booth.
--Portfino Sun and Beauty Spa, 37th & 3rd
Probably a Sufficient Interim Explanation
Man to wife: ...and I said, "What are you: a crackhead?!"
Young daughter: What's a crackhead, Daddy?
Man: It's someone that slipped and cracked their head.
Strung-out hobo walks by, asking for change.
Man: See, honey. He's a crackhead.
--E Fordham Rd & Lorillard Pl, the Bronx
Although I Do Recognize a Treasure Chest When I See One
Mother with little girl: Excuse me. My daughter wants to know if you're a pirate.
Woman wearing bandana: No. I'm just a lesbian.
--Crema Restaurante, 17th & 6th
Simplex-Minded Decision Making
Girl: ...and when he came back, it looked like he had herpes! Herpes everywhere!
Queer: And you still hit that?
Girl: Well, it looked like he did, but it was dark and I wasn't sure.
--Spring & W Broadway
And Schindler's List Has Nudity!
Mother: We need to find Sound of Music for your brother.
Child: No! I want to watch Star Wars.
Mother: You can watch this. It has Nazis!--Kim's Video, Morningside Heights
Headline by: J Laks
Runners-Up:
· "And Bambi's About Guns" - dei
· "And Then We'll Watch Rent. It has lawyers!" - Nick V.
· "But Cover Your Ears During "My Favorite Things"; I'm Not Ready to Expose You to That." - manisha
· "Gene Siskel Declares: 'It's a Gas!'" - erak
· "Hayden Christensen's Acting Caused Far More Deaths, Though" - s himself
· "Now Put on Your Swastika Armband; We're Going to See Grandpa" - phil
· "See, Sweetie, Your Brother's Not Gay; He Just Advocates White Supremacy." - LC
· "The Promotional Tagline That Never Quite Made It..." - Julie Holt
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Nice Work If You Can Get It
Caribbean woman #1: ...and so I tol' him, "You betta take your balls, put them in your hand, and do ya job."
Caribbean woman #2: Mmm hmm.
--Q33 bus
Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Your Penis Size...
Little girl: Daddy, how many stops are on this train?
Dad: Just one. It goes back and forth, back and forth all day.
Little girl: No it doesn't.
Dad: Would I lie?
Little girl: Sometimes you do.
--S train
Looks Like Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal Are Back on Again
Girl: Am I ugly?
Boy: Animal-human hybrids should be slaughtered.
Girl: What?
Boy: Nothing, sweetie.
Girl: Oh. For a second I thought you were being mean or something.
--Roxy cafe, John St
By September, He'll Be Ready to Get Back Up on the Horse
Dude #1: This hot weather has been rough on my skin, man.
Dude #2: Hey, uh. Hey, man. I know what you can do for that. You can mix lemon juice with some vinegar and make yourself an astringent.
Dude #1: Oh, word? Have you tried this yourself?
Dude #2: Yeah, man. The lemon juice and the vinegar, they combine to cleanse your pores. I'm telling you, man.
Dude #1: How do you know all this? You just sit here on this park bench every day.
Dude #2: Naw, man, just during the summer. I work in the schools.
Dude #1: You an educator?
Dude #2: A what?
Dude #1: An ED-U-CA-TOR! A teacher.
Dude #2: Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I'm an educator.
Dude #1: Whatchu been drinking, man?
Dude #2: Vodka.
Dude #1: Yeah, I can smell it.
--Christopher Park, 74th St
Overheard by: Carol - Pretending to read my book
We Also Call It 'That Dude Is About to Be Robbed'
Little girl: Why is everyone sleeping on the subway?
Mom: They're bored. Bored people sleep, read the paper, or listen to music. You see that guy over there, the one who's sleeping and reading the paper? We call that multitasking.
--Manhattan bound N train
Overheard by: Multitasking on the N
The Salem Witch Trials Were Equally Lacking in Due Process
Guy #1: You know what that bitch did?
Guy #2: What's that?
Guy #1: She spent all the child support money on herself.
Guy #2: Did she really?
Guy #1: I bet she did.
--Dunkin' Donuts, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Sanjay Bhatia
Somebody's Sleeping on the Couch Tonight!
Queer #1: Yeah, they have a book this thick with all these martinis.
Queer #2: I hate when guys order flavored martinis.
Queer #1: Oh, I was just sayin...
--Outside Vintage, 9th Ave between 50th & 51st
Overheard by: Ronnie F
Not a Moment Too Soon
Older woman: I think I should wash my secondary pair of underwear when we get home.
Older guy: I think that's a good idea!
--69th between 3rd & 2nd
You're a Model Train Wreck
Drunken hipster, being carried by her friends: I'm a model. Not a train wreck. A model!
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
And For You, Lion, I Have Some Overpriced Coffee
Guy: Well, it's about what we think would happen if there was a Starbucks in the land of Oz.
Girl: Wow!
--Grand Saloon, 23rd between 3rd & Park
Actually, It Was 'Dipstick,' and He Dropped It When He Got Famous
Ghetto guy: So what was his name?
Ghetto girl: Confucius.
Ghetto guy: No, what was his real name?
Ghetto girl: Confucius!
Ghetto guy: He didn't have no last name?
Ghetto girl: No, he's like Madonna; he don't need no last name!
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Joanna Kim
NewsFlash: Eccentric Dean of Electoral College Invokes Little-Known Constitutional Provision
Hobo: Attention, attention! I'm playing this saxophone to raise money for my spaceship!
Plays a horrible rendition of "Pop Goes the Weasel."
Hobo: I'm going into space, and I'm taking George Bush with me!
Fellow passengers cheer.
--1 train
It's Like Catholics Who Get Divorced or Have Abortions
Shiksa girl #1: Oh, now I get it!
Shiksa girl #2: Get what?
Shiksa girl #1: Jews for Jesus. See, Jews don't usually believe in Jesus, but these ones do.
Shiksa girl #2: That totally makes sense. That's why they're called "Jews for Jesus"!
Jewish dude: They're not Jews. They're Christians.
Shiksa girl #2: But it says "Jews for Jesus"!
Jewish dude: If you believe in Jesus, you aren't a Jew.
Shiksa girl #1: I don't get it.
--Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Lauren Lerner
Don't We Own the Internet?
Wealthy tourist man, pointing at a Starbucks: That must be one of those internet cafés.
--28th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dustin
Orthodox Mormons Have All the Fun
Guy on cell: Hello?...What do you mean you have bad news?...You're pregnant? How could you be pregnant?...I thought you were on the Pill? How did this happen?!...I just got engaged to your sister on the 4th of July...This is really bad news...How long have you known?...A week?! Why did you wait a week to tell me?...Your sister is going to go through the roof...No, she doesn't come back until Monday...So, I'll see you tonight?...I told you, I just got engaged to your sister. You can't be pregnant...Okay, have a good afternoon.
He makes another call.
Guy on cell: Hey...You know Claire*?...Yeah, Lauren's* sister...Yeah, the hot one...Well, she's pregnant...Me!
--46th between 5th & 6th
If Only He Could Remember It
Black customer: Hey, let me get that one. [Points at menu]
Black employee: Which one?
Black customer: That one. [Points again]
Black employee: Do you mean the smokehouse beef brisket?
Black customer: Yeah, the one in the picture.
Black employee, sighing: Black people!
Black customer: What? I'm not black. I'm Spanish!
Black employee: No you're not. Prove it. Say something in Spanish.
Black customer: Como estas?
Black employee: See, you're not Spanish.
Black customer: My name is Spanish.
--Quizno's, 12th & Broadway
She's an Analyst For Fox News
Mom: We gotta figure out where the hell we're going.
Child: Maybe you should ask a police officer or a security guard.
Mom: I'm not asking them anything. They don't know shit. Learn that in life: never ask anyone anything 'cause they don't know nothing.
--33rd & 7th
His Parents Are Being Kind; Her Master's Is in Business Administration
Skater dude #1: I am mad smart, yo. My parents won't even tell me my IQ. It's so high they're afraid to.
Skater dude #2: I seriously doubt that, man.
Skater dude #1: No, my sister's way smart. She's getting her Master's degree, and my parents told me mine was higher than hers.
Skater dude #2: Dude, she could be smart but you could totally not be. It skips a generation.
Skater dude #1: Not in my family it doesn't.
--3rd St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: eiaboca
Being a Human Test Subject Can Be Alsome!
Guy: Man, I can't wait. Another half an hour and I can go get fucked up.
Friend: You goin' out?
Guy: Nah, I got work!
--125th & Riverside
Overheard by: Egg Bird
Opening Dialogue For the Newest Law and Order: SVU Episode
Woman #1: Oh my God, it looks just like a peach without the fur!
Woman #2: That's called a nectarine.
--Whole Foods, 7th Ave
Overheard by: Peter Brown
After It Was Explained What 'Girls' Are, His Odds Immediately Improved
Guy: Damnit, no girl ever wants to go out with me.
Girl: What do you mean?
Guy: I don't think girls like me; they say I'm an ass.
Girl: I like you!
Guy: I don't date dudes.
--Tribeca
Overheard by: Nozomi
But All Teachers Hate Children
Mother: Did you read that psychology literature I picked up for you?
Daughter: No. You know I want to become a teacher!
Mother: I don't know why. You hate children!
--Peter Cooper Village
Overheard by: timbale
Intelligence Is, Like, Sooo 2005
Hipster boy, watching Mac Genius leave the store: Did you see his shirt? It just said "genius" in little letters.
Hipster girl: Ugh, that's so Urban Outfitters.
Hipster boy: Ugh, totally.
--Apple Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: i sell the iPods
Would You Feel Better If We Called It 'Alms'?
Hobette: Can you spare any food? I'm very hungry...Can you spare any food? I'm very hungry...Can you spare any food? I'm very hungry.
Passenger: The Homeless Coalition man is one car ahead and is offering food.
Hobette: I'll buy my own food. I don't need no charity!
--Downtown R train
We've Taken the Calories in This KFC Chicken and Replaced Them With Styrofoam. Let's See If Our Diners Notice the Difference!
Cashier #1: I've tried to lose weight, but it's hard.
Cashier #2: You just need a diet chicken.
Cashier #1, after a pause: What the hell is a diet chicken?
--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Candy
Next, on Couples Who Work Together...
Conductor: We're going to be held at this station shortly.
Woman, yelling: What do you mean we're gonna be held in the station shortly?!
Conductor: Woman! I said we're gonna be held here shortly!
--R train
Just like You and Daddy in the Living Room Last Night!
Little girl, watching one dog hump another: Mommy, you missed it! One of the dogs was giving the other one a piggyback ride!
--Dog run, Madison Square Park
Because No Spain Is an Island Entire of Itself?
Girlfriend: Spain is an island! With Portugal!
Boyfriend: Look, why do you wanna talk about this?
--Fort Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: jcm
How to Get Brunettes to Take Their Tops Off
Blonde: She's very chesty. Let me just say, I've seen her with no clothes on many times, and she has like the biggest tits I've ever seen. Seriously.
Boyfriend: Can you draw me a picture?
Brunette: I can't believe you just told him that!
Blonde: What? Hell, I talk like that about all my friends.
Brunette: God, what do you say about me?
Blonde: That you have some of the smallest tits I've ever seen.
Brunette: These aren't small!
--A train
At Vogue, We Have No Company Policy Against Lunch, But We Certainly Do Not Encourage It
Woman: Seriously, I need to get out of there. I can't take it anymore. I need them to fire me so I can go to lunch.
--Anh, 3rd Ave between 26th & 27th
And Their Sideways Pussies
Mother: See, it says these are endangered deer from China.
Tween daughter: I guess they are from China. Look at their slanty eyes!
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Nina Drummond
His Next Move Was to Ask a Friendly Police Officer Where He Could Procure Some
Foreigner, showing bong: And here is what I bought today.
Ghetto kid: Yeah, whatcha gonna put in there? Tobacco?
Foreigner: Yes, I put the tobacco in here. The tobacco.
Ghetto kid: No, man. You gotta put some weed in there. You ever heard of weed?
Foreigner: Weed? No...weed? I don't understand.
Ghetto kid: Get some weed. You put a little weed in there, smoke it up, and you're set.
Foreigner: Yes, thank you. Weed.
--Brooklyn bound B train
Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl
The Upper East Side: Ninety Blocks From Nowhere
Girl #1: Oh my God! You live in the middle of nowhere!
Girl #2: Honey, on no one's map is Greenwich Village considered the middle of nowhere.
Girl #1: Whatever, it's really far from the Upper East Side.
--Thompson & Houston
Jenny Craig's Aversion Therapy Technique Was a Hit With Youngsters
Little girl #1: Hey, Sarah, want a cookie?
Little girl #2: Yeah.
Little girl #1: Well, me too. Now get over it!
--E train
Next Time We Go Drinking, I Will Not Talk to Janet About My Weight Issues
Woman #1: Hey!! How are you?! How's the cellulite??
Woman #2: Um. Hey. It's...fine.
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: kelly
Oh, That One. It Only Appears Every Hundred Years.
Tourist: Which way to the famous deli?
Cop: Which one?
Tourist: You know, the famous one.
--47th St
Overheard by: cb
It Brings Back Too Many Memories
Male student #1: Your sister has the best tasting punani in New York.
Male student #2: I'll pay for lunch if you promise not to say that again.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wish I Knew His Sister
Southwest Exec: 'To One-Up These Guys, We'll Have to Make In-Seat Crapping Possible. Get on it!'
Budding exhibitionist #1: I have to pee.
Budding exhibitionist #2: Just pee in your pants; you're on JetBlue.
--JFK tarmac
I Charge $200 For That!
Girl: Oh, I have to buy new whitening strips.
Boy: How come?
Girl: Well, with that storm last night, the wind must've blown everything on top of the toilet into the toilet. And I had to pee in the middle of the night, and it was dark. I thought it was a head in the toilet. But I turned on the light, and it was just my whitening strips.
Boy: Why would you turn the light on if you thought there was a head in the toilet?
Girl: I needed to know if it was a head. I wasn't just gonna pee on someone's face.
--A train
Deadeye Dick
Guy #1: Don't you hate when you are sitting on a toilet and need to spit, so you try to aim your spit in between your legs into the water, but you miss and get it all over your dick?
Guy #2: No, I never miss.
--G train
The Cuss-Faucet Continues to Drip After You Turn It Off
Woman #1: I don't care what kinda shit he was talkin' about. That motherfucker was out of his mind!
Woman #2, motioning to small children nearby: Stop cursing.
Woman #1: Oh shit, I'm sorry.
--34th St N/R platform
Overheard by: jazzystar69
Voted 'Least Likely to Get an Unconscious Date After Death'
Guy #1: Yeah, I was reading this Jehovah's Witness pamphlet this morning, and apparently they believe that only 144,000 people will get into heaven. The rest don't go to hell; they're just unconscious.
Guy #2: That doesn't sound so good. You gotta think, out of the 144,000 least sinful people on Earth, most of 'em are going to be ugly. I'd rather be unconscious with the hot chicks.
--Broad St
Overheard by: anotherKnight
I See Your Points
Chick: Is that Broadway? I think it is. I can't see.
Burly guy: Yeah. Didn't you put your contacts in?
Chick: No. I haven't bought new ones yet.
Burly guy: Jesus, Jen! You'll buy boobs but you won't buy contacts?
Chick: What's more important: contacts or boobs?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Erica
How Do You Explain Madonna Then, Smart Guy?
Dad: Like Groucho is called Groucho because he's grouchy, Chico because he's cheeky.
Son: And Zeppo!
Dad: Yeah, because he's an idiot.
--8th St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Joe
Which, Relatively Speaking, Is Free
Little girl: Are we going to Manhattan to the big shopping mall place?
Dad: You've spent enough money. We're going to Manhattan and riding in a cab!
--Amtrak to Penn Station
Overheard by: Erica
Free Enterprise Fund Poster Hobo
Suit on cell: If he doesn't get me the fucking money, I'll kill that bitch!
Hobo: How about you give me some money, and I'll kill that bitch?
--St. Mark's
I'm Pretty Sure She Meant 'Inconvenient'
Ghetto girl #1: So I took [the iPod].
Ghetto girl #2: See, if it was sitting on top I would take it, but I wouldn't go through their bag. That's just inconsiderate.--Downtown D trainOverheard by: Brian
Headline by: Lisa
Runners-Up:
· "But When I Stabbed Her I Kept My Pinkie Finger Sticking Out" - tech98
· "Comes With Nano-Sized Morals and Earbuds to Block Out the Sounds of Your Cellmates" - Mia A.
· "If You Still Want to Listen to Nelly Furtado, Steal Another iPod Within 12 Hours" - Hunter North
· "It's Not Like It Was Tied to His Wheelchair All That Tightly Either" - corey mcpubes
· "It's Only Rape If She's Wearing Undewear" - john
· "Martha Says: 'When Jacking Someone's Tunes, It's Proper to Leave an Origami Swan in Their Bag. It's a Good Thing.'" - Jatmos
· "Maybe She Was Borrowing It From a Friend, You Racist Fucks" - ceci
· "She's Practicing So She Knows How to Get Time Off For Good Behavior" - Shane
· "That Reminds Me of the Time I Found a Walkman Next to a Dead Rollerblader." - Hobo Whisperer
· "There's a Big Difference Between Stealing and Stealing" - Piret
· "When I Turned the Bag Upside Down, It Was on Top. DUH!" - Redneck Jedi
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Especially If You Never Leave Your Apartment or Invite Friends Over
Middle-Aged woman: I don't know why everyone is giving Mel Gibson such a hard time. He didn't kill six million Jews; the Nazis killed six million Jews. And you never hear anyone say anything bad about the Nazis.
--1 train, 110th St
Overheard by: Eli Feldblum
How About Some Frank Sinatra That Will Leave You Only Mildly Depressed?
20-Something woman #1: Wow, classical music makes me think the world's all happy and shit.
20-Something woman #2: Yeah.
20-Something woman #1: I need a nice, trashy rap song about hos and shooting to remind myself that life sucks.
20-Something woman #2: Seriously.
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: slit your wrists while you're at it
I Went With My Design Group
Law student #1: So where you going after the test?
Law student #2: I'm going to East Africa for 2 months. Last time I was there, they made me an honorary Maori tribesman.
Law student #1: Wow, you've gotta be the first gay, white honorary Maori tribesman ever.
Law student #2: Yeah, or at least one of the first 5.
--Bar exam line, Javits Center
Overheard by: AP
Dad, I Told You: No Threesomes! Especially Not With Mom!
Son, father, and mother are standing in a triangle.
Son: Why aren't you throwing it to me?
Father, holding frisbee: Because you're not participating.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Rachel Strauss
Wednesday One-Liners Grin and Bear It
Girl: People always label me. They don't take the time to get to know me. I'm the "Really, Really Nice Girl That's Always Happy. With a Great Smile."
--LIRR
Overheard by: Adina
Hipster girl, to hipster guy: Does smiling hurt you? It hurts you to smile?
--Top of the Rock, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: gus
Singing hobos, in unison: Smile, it won't mess up your hair!
--1 train
10-Year-Old girl: His smile haunts me.
--Dinosaur BBQ, Harlem
Overheard by: megan
Tourist dad, posing his family in front of WTC site: Smile, kids!
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: Mike Pobega
Compassionate guy: Nothing warms my heart more than a smiling retard.
--Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Work in a Hot Industry
Thug, to his friend: Yo, there are mad bitches in this hood. Why you eyeballin' me?
--73rd & York
Overheard by: I was eyeballin' him too
Dude: I can't believe that sausage fest! There were no females up in that bitch!
--103rd & Lex
Overheard by: robin b
Lady: You know what the difference between her and Lonny is? She's nice, and Lonny's a bitch.
--Tennis courts, Central Park
B&T boyfriend, calling angrily out the window of his car: Bitch, I love you!
--White St, between Lafayette & Canal
Man to old blind lady: Watch where you're going, bitch!
--12th St & 6th Ave
Guy, laughing at friend who dropped his coffee: That's gravity, bitch!
--49th & 8th
Queer on cell: Oh my God, she, like, worships me...Yeah, I know, I'm totally the best thing that ever happend to her...Oh, no, I can't stand her. She's a total skanky bitch, bitch, bitch!
--Peanut Butter & Co, Sullivan St
Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Behind
Brooklyn guy: All I'm sayin' is it goes without sayin'.
--Brooklyn bound D train
Overheard by: Robert Barry Francos
Hoochie on cell: I don't want that. I'm looking for sauce. Sauce sauce sauce sauce sauce! S-A-U-S-C-E. Sauce!
--Waldbaum's, Whitestone, Queens
Overheard by: Liz the Overheardista
Teen girl: Do you think Christmas will ever be on Friday the 13th?
--Times Square
Woman in elevator: She said 13...Where's 13? What the... fuck? There's no 13. Should I press 12? Or 14? What?...She said 13. Well I'll just press both.
--22nd & Broadway
Overheard by: staring at the button for 13
Elderly woman, regarding painting: Would you look at the detail he put into this. It almost looks two dimensional.
--The Met
Overheard by: s.gothman
Tween boy: Did the dinosaurs come before or after Bible times?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Omg! He did not just ask that!
'What's That, Lassie? Wednesday One-Liners Have Fallen Into the Old Well?'
Woman, to her panting dog: It is so not hot out. Stop faking it.
--Lafayette St, Fort Greene, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Katherine B
Woman, to her dog: Look, honey, a fire truck. Yes, dear, seeee? It's a fire truck.
--Clinton & Schermerhorn, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: The Rat
Businesswoman, to two kids sitting in front of her: I have a very tiny dog that I can fit in my bag. Isn't that silly? She's at home sleeping right now. She gets to sleep and I have to go to work. Isn't that silly?...I'll tell her you said, "Hi."
--4 train
Overheard by: Hogan
Woman, to her dog: Come on now, mister, one of us is going to pee or poo, and I have a feeling it's not going to be me.
--Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Bradley Price
Girl, to her sitting dog: Can I get you anything? TV? Cold soda? Foot rub?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: walking by
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Gateway Drug
One mom to another, amidst a gaggle of small children: Tyson's mommy has the best pot.
--Hudson & Charles
Overheard by: Matt and Mat and Jeffrey
Ghetto woman with two young children: I need a joint.
--103rd St & CPW subway station
Overheard by: danzaboi
Chick: Girl, I cannot stand living with my mom. She has this need to always be in my business. I come home from shopping, she wants to know what I bought. I mean, the other night, she was trying to tell me how to roll my weed! She was like, "You're not doing it right." Ugh! I'm like, "Mom, you just started doing this. Shut up, okay?"
--1 train
Overheard by: Lauren
Drunk guy: You can't use pot! Aren't you on an Atkins diet or somethin'?
--F train
Overheard by: braincurve
Future politician: My friend smokes weed, but he doesn't do drugs.
--14th & Ave B
Yuppie woman: Whatever, it was just the smoking-pot equivalent of a cult.
--8th Ave, Park Slope
Hippie: Before you partake, you got to thank God for your marijuana.
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Glance Backer
Wednesday One-Liners Know It's Better to Look Good Than to Feel Good
Girl: I want a Marc Jacobs bag, and I don't care if it's made of baby cow!
--Outside the Met
Overheard by: wants baby cow bag, too
Guy, explaining his pants: Yeah, they look gay, but they make my junk look huge.
--Midtown
Man picking up trash to woman picking up trash: How you gonna make ten dollars an hour and have people making minimum wage looking better than you?
--Madison Sq Park
Shopaholic: I know! One time I thought there was more to life than that. But then I went back to Bloomingdale's.
--59th & Madison
Overheard by: DM Cook
Teenage girl on phone: So where are you?...So,what happened?...Not to your shoe! In the hospital!
--Central Park
Overheard by: concerned trespasser
Cougar-in-Training, looking at non-trendy partygoers: Clearly they don't belong here.
--Rooftop party, the SoHo House
Wednesday One-Liners Thought Douching With Vinegar Would Help
Biker lady: You think I have syphilis? Hah!
--Hudson River running path, 38th St
Overheard by: lukejoy
Girl on cell: I know! She was, like, so defensive about it! Like, "So he impregnated me; at least I didn't get herpes." I was like, "Honey, is that really a fair trade?"
--A train
Overheard by: claire
Ghetto teen: You know, like 90 percent of all people have herpes. That's like 1 in every 3 people.
--Suffolk & Rivington
Girl: I know, when I first got chlamydia, I didn't know who to turn to. Luckily I got it from my doctor.
--45th & 5th
Overheard by: Jerringo Nationpess
Old lady, during a Clerks II scene dealing with "ass to mouth," to old man: That's how you get E. coli!
--Movie theater, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: katey
Queer on cell: I'm not saying he's a nasty faggot. I'm just saying he has HIV.
--5th Ave between 4th and 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Gus
Guy on cell: So I went to Amsterdam and got a handjob from a hooker, and I thought I had HIV for, like, two years...Yeah, I'm a pretty weird guy.
--Whole Foods, Chelsea
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Left Behind
Girl: This has sterile in it. I can't buy this; I'm allergic to sterile.
--Duane Reade, 17th & 3rd
Overheard by: mk
American woman, to Arab cashier: What, you didn't understand what I said? Man, you illiterate.
--Classon Ave, Brooklyn
Chick: I mean, I wasn't really mentally thinking about it.
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Frat boy: Why do they call it "Steak Shack" when it doesn't sell steaks?
--Shake Shack, Madison Sq Park
Drunk teen girl, raising her beer: Here's to independence...and the only country that's got it!
--Waterside Plaza
Overheard by: David Slone
Teen girl: Rebecca wanted to get brown. But brown is such a black color...Well, not that it's black. But you know.
--D train
Overheard by: Rachel
Young guy to his girlfriend: Shut your fuckin' mouth when you're talking to me!
--Outside of K-mart, Astor Place
Overheard by: snap snap
Wednesday One-Liners Get Asinine
Thug: Yo, money don't grow on trees and come out your ass.
--82nd St, Jackson Heights, Queens
Overheard by: Jobee
Old woman on cell: I came to New York to see you. Now get your fucking ass down here right now!
--52nd & Lex
Overheard by: Laughing Seattlite
Junior high kid: Well you try shoving a tampon up a dog's ass.
--L train
Girl: It's so hot in here I feel like I'm swimming through the swamp that is someone's ass.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: TommyBP
Suit on cell: I will not be disrespected like this. I ain't gonna be disrespected! I'm a grown ass man, damnit!
--Tribeca
Guy, after being yelled at by the driver who has rammed his car: Look, just calm down. Let me explain something: you're an asshole, all right?
--2nd St & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: johnnymac
Thug on cell: He get his ass whupped one time, he won't testify. Plus, he all short, like 5'9" or 5'10", and carry all that weight. I whup his ass, we won't have no more problems.
--DMV, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Are Pissed About Gay Bishops
Proselytizer: You've got to make sure you're reading the King James Bible. God uses the other ones for conversion, but they're ten percent less effective.
--Downtown 2 train
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Mom: Look, this one's from Jordan and Israel. That's where Jesus is from!
--Mouse House, Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: LT$
Woman: I'm gonna give him a holy bath and all kinds of things.
--Columbus Bakery, 83rd & Columbus
Pamphlet lady: That's why you've got no power! Where's the mayor? He's not Jesus! He's not coming to save you!
--Penn Station
Soccer mom: ...and then he asked if he could go to church with Grandma, and I said, "Well, I don't think so, Ryan*. Daddy's had to yell at you all night and spank you twice, and only good boys get to go to church."
--Central Park
Overheard by: God would be proud
Hobo: The Holy Spirit will whup yo' ass!
--Court St
Young passerby, to old man entering church: Good luck!
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: Russell Z
The Wheels on the Wednesday-One Liners Go Round and Round
Bus driver: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, I have an idea: the next stop is going to be Las Vegas! Vegas, y'all! Get out those cell phones and start calling your husbands and wives. Tell 'em you won't be home tonight. Vegas!
--M103 bus
Overheard by: Tina
Bus driver: Everyone, please move to the back of the bus...Come on, people. I'm speaking English here. Move to the back of the bus so these people can get on. There's nothing wrong with the back of the bus. It's not scary. There are no monsters back there. You won't get hurt. So please move back.
--Q12 bus, Main Street, Flushing
Overheard by: Jo
Bus driver: This is Westchester Ave. Here you can transfer to the 9 and the...uh...I don't even remember. Hey, you back there! You look like Charles Bronson! You ever heard that?...Whateva. You know you look like Charles Bronson. And the world needs another Charles Bronson.
--Bx40 bus, E Tremont Ave
Overheard by: vegannramember
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Complicated Genealogy
Man on crowded train: If my mother were here, I'd sit on her lap.
--Downtown A train
Overheard by: not his mother
Amateur anthropologist: It's not incest unless it's, like, your brother.
--E 72nd
Mom, to teenage son: Darling, sweetie, love of my life, I've accepted that you're gay, haven't I? And there's a lot more that I'm willing to accept. But if there is one thing I'm not ok with, it's flat-ironing my son's hair. Ask your sister.
--Uptown 6 train
Woman on cell: You did what?...Why the fuck would you do that?...Yeah, I know he's your cousin, but you didn't have to tell him that I slept with his brother. I was going to tell him...When?...After we got married!!
--13th & University
Girl, digging through purse: Shit, I think my cousin robbed me.
--Urban Outfitters, Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: intern
Screaming woman: I'm not in your house; I'm in the middle of the street! Stop making fun of my grandmother!
--W 139th St, 2 a.m.
Overheard by: Isha
Girl on cell: I don't look at him like a father; I look at him like the man who gave birth to me.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Cat
Having Sex With You Is Like Masturbating. Get a Personality, Why Don't You?
Queer #1: Ooh, let's see this one!
Queer #2: I already saw that earlier this week.
Queer #1: What?! Dude, I hate that. This is just like you masturbating instead of having sex with me.
--AMC, 42nd St
Too Bad. Planned Parenthood's Hot Dogs Put Sabrett's to Shame.
Teenage girl #1: So I was like, "What you goin' fuckin' do about it?"
Teenage girl #2: And...What'd he say?
Teenage girl #1: Motherfucker was like, "I'll take you by Planned Parenthood in the mornin'. You need to get some after-shit." I looked at him like, "What, motherfucker?!" That ain't no 7-11 type o' shit. I don't want a fuckin' hot dog. I wanna not be pregnant with your bitch ass kid.
Teenage girl #2: What'd he say?
Teenage girl #1: Nothin'. Bitch better keep his mouth shut.
--F train
Assumptions: They Make an Ass Out of U and Social Workers
Lady: Hey, how do I get to Court Street?
Hobo: Two blocks that way...See, we're not all that bad. You got any change?
Lady: No, I know. Shut up. I'm a social worker.
--Brooklyn Heights