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September 2006 Archives
Pirates Have Their Own Ideas About What 'Clean' Means
Conductor #1: Conductor, is the Clean Train Campaign in effect for this train?
Conductor #2: AAARRRGGGHHH!
--LIRR
Rape of the Sabine Transsexuals
Teen girl #1: If you were a guy, I would totally rape you.
Teen girl #2: Isn't it the other way around?
Teen girl #1: No. I wouldn't rape a girl. Unless she was a guy.
Teen girl #2: Oh.
--Broadway
The Naked AND the Dead
NYU student #1: We're drawing bodies in art class today.
NYU student #2: Naked bodies?
NYU student #1: No, dead bodies.
NYU student #2: Naked dead bodies?
--Broadway
You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Conflagration
Suit #1: I guess I wasn't invited. I wasn't on my best behavior last year.
Suit #2: Well, you did light that horse on fire.
--Midtown
Astonishingly, This Didn't Work When He Asked His Wife to Do Anal
Little girl: Daddy! Why can't I try? Why can't I ride it?
Dad, on mini-bike: Because I'm God, and God says so.
--72nd & 5th
Overheard by: better off agnostic
For Christmas She Wants Tickle-Me-to-Death Elmo
Little girl: Christmas is next!
Mother: No, first is Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.
Little girl: And then we die!
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Just Object When They Ask
Chick #1: Yeah, so I kinda wanna go to the wedding, you know, to see the spectacle.
Chick #2: Mm-hmm.
Chick #1: But on the other hand, I don't want it to seem like she has any friends.
--Q65A bus
Overheard by: christine
My Babies Will Be Ugly on the Inside, Just Like Their Mother
Teen #1: No, like, I feel BAD for ugly babies. It's not their fault.
Teen #2: I mean, it's like, oh my God, your little girl is so cute... what, it's a boy? Oh my God, I am so sorry.
Teen #3: People always thought I was a boy when I was little. It was, like, so weird. Because I was obviously really cute, and I... I still am. Right, ladies?
Teen #1: Um, can you hand me a paper towel?
Teen #2: I have a headache. Ugh. Damn morning-after pill. No ugly babies for me!
--TGI Friday's, 59th & Lex
Overheard by: not admitting she was in a T.G.I.Fridays
He Had Enough of That with Winona
Girl #1: How excited would you be if we saw Johnny Depp?
Girl #2: I'd probably pee my pants and then pass out.
--Wall St
Overheard by: Jenny
Maybe You Should Get a Job at Starbucks Instead
Customer: I'll have a twelve-inch wheat --
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: Um... twelve inches. Isn't that a foot?
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: I think you're missing something here.
--Subway, Elmsford
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
Don't Get Him Started on American Chop Suey
Girl: And can I get brown rice with my order?
Waiter: No, we don't have brown rice here. Only white rice.
Girl: Oh, OK.
Waiter: We don't consider brown rice Chinese food.
--40th & 2nd
That's Why You've Got to Get in There Before Meals
Building engineer #1, watching pretty girl disembark: Pretty girl.
Building engineer #2: Very pretty.
Building engineer #1: You know, I would eat a pile of shit to get to that ass.
--Elevator, 130 Liberty St
It's Like Being Erased from the Book of the Universe
Young woman: How many children do you have?
Old woman: Two... well, I had three, but one moved to Florida.
--Doctor's office, 166 E. 63rd
He Plans to Raise Free-Range Children
Guy #1: That was a beautiful pit bull.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'd love to have that pit bull, but I'm not responsible enough to have a dog. I'm gonna have some kids first so they can be responsible for the dog.
--Amtrak train
No One Takes Their Music Seriously Until a White Person Records It, Anyway
Girl: I just heard a Britney Spears cover. It was odd.
Guy: I like her cover of... I think it was a James Brown song.
Girl: "My Prerogative"?... oh, no, that's Bobby Brown.
Guy: It was some brown person.
--57th & 8th
It's Just Some Gas
Goth guy: Stop looking so happy!
Goth girl: I'm not happy!
--Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: djingo
And This Damned Restraining Order Is Not Helping a Bit
Guy #1: I love how pretty girls smell good.
Guy #2: Yeah. Have you ever sniffed one?
Guy #1: No.
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Olivia
Which I Would Spell Out if I Didn't Feel So Light-Headed
Skinny fashionista: If you just eat like I eat and exercise, you'll lose weight. I swear!
Normal woman: But you hardly eat anything. Don't you get hungry?
Skinny fashionista: You are totally missing the point!
--Bar, Soho Grand
Overheard by: Manhattman
... Mom
Lady: You're making me wet... I SAID you're making me wet.
Man: Yes, I tend to have that effect on the ladies.
Lady: With your umbrella.
Man: I'm flattered, but it's not that big.
--1 train
Overheard by: Sloane
The Paradoxical Height Thing Makes Them Insecure and Eager to Please
Schoolgirl #1: You know that tall short blond girl?
Schoolgirl #2: You just described about 250 girls in our school.
Schoolgirl #1: Um... the one who isn't a whore.
Schoolboy: That narrows it down to about five.
--Manhattan bound F train
Overheard by: Fareeda
But for God's Sake, Use Protection
Guy: Hey, come and see this comedy show for free! You can get drunk.
Tourist girl: We're not over twenty-one.
Guy: Man, this is New York! We don't card! Fuck the government!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Andi
Freud: I Don't Know Where to Start!
Woman: Once my mom let me go to school, when I was eight, in a training bra and a see-through baby blue crocheted hand-knit sweater that my grandma made.
Man: What the fuck?
Woman: Yeah. I got made fun of something fierce. That's when I realized my mom's a crazy bitch.
Man: Heh.
Woman: But you know what? I fucking love her. I love that crazy-ass bitch.
--7 train, Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Ryan
Still Fuming About the Five-Dollar Birthday Check
Sarah Lawrence guy: And how is your grandmother?
Sarah Lawrence girl: I don't know, fucking dying, like everyone else's grandmother.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: has a healthy grandmother
I'm Just High on God, Officer
Guy: If I can be a good crackhead, I can be a good Christian.
--A train
How T-Shirt Magazine Was Born
Clerk #1: I've always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I've always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
--American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
Now Let's Kiss and Make Up
Tween #1: You called me gay? I'll sue you!
Tween #2: You're gay for even saying that.
--Elizabeth & Mott
Overheard by: stephin' out
Rick Santorum: At Least Have the Decency to Wait Until It's a Hen
Guy: So I thought I'd get married before I go.
Girl: You're getting married?
Guy: Yeah, to some chick.
--1st between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Kira
This Bookstore Has Had Several Owners, Yes
Girl: Is this the cheapest copy of Steal This Book that you have?
Cashier: Yeah, we only have that one new.
Girl: So then this isn't exactly a used bookstore, is it?
Cashier: Well, you are going to use it, right?
--Village Bookstore, St. Marks
Might Be a Snack up There with Your Name on It
Fat kid: Can we take the elevator?
Dad: No, Charlie, come up the stairs.
Fat kid: But this is IMPOSSIBLE!
Dad: No, it isn't impossible. Now move up the stairs.
--Subway, Bryant Park
Overheard by: Rita
You're Just Exchanging One Cage for Another
Woman #1: I couldn't be a housewife. I need to get out of the house.
Woman #2: I get out... I go to Wal-Mart.
--Port Authority
It Smells That Way 'Cuz St. Peter Was a Fisherman
Little Girl: Mommy, where is heaven?
Ghetto Mommy: Right around the corner from my ass.--Astoria BlvdOverheard by: Meg
Headline by: Jim
Runners-Up:
· "A Little 'Piece' of Heaven" - Mistress Squidia
· "And on the 28th Day, There Came a Rain of Blood From Heaven..." - smo
· "Cleveland, However, Is Closer to the Armpit." - Paul Nielsen
· "From Rear to Eternity" - ilemanzer
· "Heaven i'taint." - Lee
· "Holy Shit" - lounamaa
· "I Don't Think That's What Carrie Underwood Meant When She Sang: 'I Wanna Be Inside Your Heaven'" - Jenny
· "Must Be a ZoroASStrian" - John P.
· "Sample Curriculum from the Sunday School Taught by Mary Kay Letourneau" - steph
· "Suprisingly, More People Get into Heaven Than You're Led to Believe in Church." - J.C.
· "Then How Can Godliness Be Next to Cleanliness?" - kelynsh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Diminutive Diverts Attention from the Large Nose
JAP #1: I hate how he calls himself "Bobby" just to seem more Jewish!
JAP #2: Yeah, why isn't he comfortable being a Bob?
--Central Park
I'm Not Hearing a 'No'
Dude: Bitch, you're one hot bitch.
Girl: Did you just call me a bitch?
Dude: Wanna have sex?
Girl: I would, but I have to walk in this direction now.
--Central Park
Hey, Man, Where Do You Think Families Come From?
Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we're trying to eat over here.
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God's sake, this is a family restaurant!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.
--Mickey D's, Times Square
I Said I Just Whacked Off
Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Madeline
Mama Said There'd Be Wednesday One-Liners Like This
20-Something chick: Yeah, well that was when I used to get drunk with his mother.
--176th St between Audubon & Amsterdam
Overheard by: sj
Drunk girl: I always end up with the ones with mommy issues. Like, does it look like I'm lactating, motherfucker? Didn't think so.
--Park Slope
Tween boy: Well, my mom was lactating at the time, so I just drank that.
--7th Ave & 5th St, Park Slope
Professor: Mothers are not uncommon in families. Grandmothers don't count because they're not sexual threats.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Construction worker: Yeah, I fucked her and her mom. I know, Ma, I'll call her back.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Tom
Woman on cell: You need to calm the fuck down. Calm down. You need to calm the fuck down! Bullets do not have names. Mama said that. You be runnin' around with the crips, with the gangs. You gonna get your ass shot. You listen to me: you need to calm the fuck down!
--Metro-North
Overheard by: MojoSaves
Girl: But, Mom, I can't trust you if you don't like me!
--Starbucks, 75th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ali
Ebert and Roeper at the Wednesday One-Liners
Woman, watching Jet Li movie preview: I won't see it. All they ever do is hop around, and I have no idea what's going on.
--AMC Theatre, W 42nd St
Overheard by: Jason
Slow learner: Yeah, we just got out of Miami Vice...Yeah, I've seen it twice. Trust me: do not see that movie!
--42nd between 9th & 10th
Overheard by: Ash
Young woman: When I went to see Snakes on a Plane, I didn't think there'd be snakes! On a plane!
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Tween boy: After seeing that movie, I have to say: Johnny Knoxville is the most suicidal person next to Jesus.
--C train
Overheard by: Dirty D
Ticket taker, directing people to theater: Go out the window and take a left.
--AMC 25, Times Square
Overheard by: L
Blonde girl: Isn't Short Circuit the movie with R2D2?
--Rooftop party, W 43rd
Overheard by: Esther
Guy in very crowded train: It felt like Schindler's List for a second there.
--7 train
Overheard by: giants fan
Wednesday's Child is Full of One-Liners
Ten-year-old: If I work on my claw skills, I will always be able to tell what time it is!
--CVS, Lexington Ave
Child tourist: There's so many people. Don't they have jobs?
--Times Square
Overheard by: rae
Young boy: Were you sniffing my father?
--Bronx Zoo
Little girl: I can't wait 'til I have my own psychic friend.
--181st & Pinehurst
Overheard by: Josh h
Young boy: Mommy, I wanna go see the thongs.
--Saks
Overheard by: Butt Floss
Young girl tourist, exiting taxi: Goodbye! I love you! More than all the other cabs!
--Thompson & 3rd
Overheard by: kerm and mere
Little girl: You always make things up! You made this game up, you made the rules up, you even made me up!
--19th Ave, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Think Globally, Act Locally
Hobo: Give Germany brain cancer! Fire laser beams into the back of the brain of Germany! Men, women, retarded children! Make Germany lose their memory!
--New York Public Library
Guido on cell: Write this down. It's P, O, A with two dots on it, N, G. It's a chair. Poang. Two dots. Two dots. Above. How the fuck should I know? It's Swedish.
--IKEA, Elizabeth
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
JAP: OK, Brittney, so he got blown up in Israel. Everyone gets blown up in Israel!
--Harry's Burritos, Thompson & 3rd
Queer: See, the problem is, you go to France and there are a ton of cute guys, but they're all French. You go to Italy, cute guys everywhere, but they're all Italian.
--47th & 9th
Overheard by: Jack Lienke
Guy on cell: If I made out with a Venezuelan, does that mean I'm on a government watch list?
--49th & 9th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Barista: Can you grab me a tall Ethiopian by the neck?
--Starbucks, Grand Central
Suit on cell: And I said, fuck, yeah, it was the best damn sushi I ever had! Who gives a fuck if we were in Alabama... those fuckers were still Japanese, you know?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Who doesn't love the South?
Hee Hee Hee, You Said 'Wednesday One-Liners'
Woman: See? I'm really good at boning.
--Gavroche, 14th & 7th
Overheard by: the immature restaurant guest
Woman, yelling over to man during downpour: How come every man I date ends up getting me wet?
--Water Club, 500 E 30th
Overheard by: Carolyn
Burly guy: Dude, can you help me get it up?
--Gold's Gym, 250 West 54th
Teen: I was so thirsty. Anything that went in my mouth, I swallowed.
--LIRR
Overheard by: kaydot
NYU trendoid: I need some nuts, like, hardcore.
--MoMA
Conductor: Please let the passengers get off before pushing on the train. Get them off. Get them off. Get them off fast!
--Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Philip
Girl: Ooo! I'll suck on it with you!
--3rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: confused grad student
Wednesday One-Liners Care About Melanin
Girl: You really don't realize how many Indian kids there are at NYU until you have really shitty sex with one of them and have to try to avoid him.
--Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Jake
Indian guy, to white guy: Do you see the color of my skin? I'm obviously more intelligent than you.
--Makers
Very white girl: It was so diverse and, like, I don't know, I felt like a minority.
---Union Square
Guy: I don't discriminate based on race, but you in particular are a suspicious-looking motherfucker.
--Red Sky Lounge, 29th & Park
Guy on cell: You fucking idiot. You don't have jaundice. You're Asian.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: another asian
Frenchman: Hurry! That chocolate man is taking your parking space!
--Christopher St
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Black guy, to white infant: Hey! Hey! Awww, shit. You anotha' one of dose fucking crackers! Cracker-ass crackers fucking everywhere.
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: The Cracker's Mama
Wednesday One-Liners Could Use a Fig Leaf
Girl: I'm almost too comfortable with old-people nudity.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: hannah
Middle-Aged woman: Oh my God, you should have been there to see my husband naked-bodysurfing.
--Thompson & Spring
Man on cell: Yeah... I'm just calling to let you know the Naked Cowboy called in sick today because of the rain. Yeah, I'm going to take his place. I just wanted to let you know. OK. Bye.
--48th & 2nd
Young woman: There's the Naked Cowgirl. She's not all that. She's not even that pretty!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Derek Powazek
Girl: It's not like when a guy sees you naked, he's gonna be like, "Yo, I wish you were more muscular."
--College Walk, Columbia University
Girl on cell: Because grown sisters naked in a room together is weird!
--L train, Metropolitan Ave
Overheard by: Must be weird
Woman on cell: Naked on the couch?... God, I don't blame you.
--3rd & A
Overheard by: Kira
I Heart Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: You still love me even though I'm a fatty?
--113th & Broadway
Guy on cell: You know, dude, I could totally fall in love with her if she weren't such a crack-whore.
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Kaitlyn
Loud hipster girl: Shrooms are like love and happiness. You don't find them; they find you!
--Williamsburg waterfront
Overheard by: could use all three
Idealist: If he really loved me, wouldn't he moisturize?!
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Ghetto girl: Love ain't got nothin' to do with the way you smellin' right now!
--Chambers & Broadway
Overheard by: AWAG
Middle-Aged guy: But if she loved me so much, why did she point the shotgun at me?
--57th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: harvey
Woman on cell: You know that Susan already hates you...Of course she's just doing it to be a bitch...I love Susan.
--73rd & Columbus
Overheard by: Will
Cheech & Chong's Wednesday One-Liners, Man
Queer: When I get stoned, my grundle itches.
--6 train
Overheard by: sheerah
Street vendor, gesturing to enormous bong: No, no...this one is for tobacco.
--St. Mark's
Elderly man: People are stupid! They don't do pot!
--R train
Stoned guy: Man, why do chip manufacturers always put the crumbs at the bottom of the bag?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: bernard black
Teenage gangsta: Yo, when I was in the shower, it totally tasted like weed. For real.
--Lafayette & Houston
Passenger: If you see a suspicious package or activity on the platform or train, don't keep it to yourself. Tell a cop or an MTA employee or me. There might be some money or some weed in there.
--4 train
Overheard by: Mike
Long-haired dude, picking up a cigarette butt: Man, that's not what I wanted to smoke.
--72nd & Columbus
Overheard by: clarence rosario
Wednesday One-Liner's Parents Used the TV as a Sitter
Hard hat: This is my idea, okay? Seriously, don't try and steal it, because I think I can make this happen. Ready? The Fab Five visit Dog the Bounty Hunter's show, and they give Dog and his whole crew a makeover.
--Construction site, 26th & 6th
Overheard by: Big Perm
Black aesthetician, discussing Flavor of Love: I know that show's gonna set my people back 50 years, but I just gotta watch it.
--Staff room, NYC Day Spa, 57th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: massage therapist lurking nearby
Jock: Last night we were so wasted we got naked and mounted the ram....and then watched Fraggle Rock.
--Rose Hill Cafeteria, Fordham
College student: Watching Dawson's Creek is like studying for the SATs.
--St. John's University
Nerdy teen: Oh my God, a refrigerator with a television in it. My life's dream has just been realized.
--Best Buy, 23rd & 6th
Overheard by: nicolette
Amateur media scholar: It's not called Lost because they're lost. It's called Lost because the audience can't follow it.
--R train
20-Something guy to his date: But if you don't have a television, how do you watch porn?
--Koi, 40th & 6th
Overheard by: UniqueNY