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September 2006 Archives
Pirates Have Their Own Ideas About What 'Clean' Means
Conductor #1: Conductor, is the Clean Train Campaign in effect for this train?
Conductor #2: AAARRRGGGHHH!
--LIRR
Rape of the Sabine Transsexuals
Teen girl #1: If you were a guy, I would totally rape you.
Teen girl #2: Isn't it the other way around?
Teen girl #1: No. I wouldn't rape a girl. Unless she was a guy.
Teen girl #2: Oh.
--Broadway
The Naked AND the Dead
NYU student #1: We're drawing bodies in art class today.
NYU student #2: Naked bodies?
NYU student #1: No, dead bodies.
NYU student #2: Naked dead bodies?
--Broadway
You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Conflagration
Suit #1: I guess I wasn't invited. I wasn't on my best behavior last year.
Suit #2: Well, you did light that horse on fire.
--Midtown
Astonishingly, This Didn't Work When He Asked His Wife to Do Anal
Little girl: Daddy! Why can't I try? Why can't I ride it?
Dad, on mini-bike: Because I'm God, and God says so.
--72nd & 5th
Overheard by: better off agnostic
For Christmas She Wants Tickle-Me-to-Death Elmo
Little girl: Christmas is next!
Mother: No, first is Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.
Little girl: And then we die!
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Just Object When They Ask
Chick #1: Yeah, so I kinda wanna go to the wedding, you know, to see the spectacle.
Chick #2: Mm-hmm.
Chick #1: But on the other hand, I don't want it to seem like she has any friends.
--Q65A bus
Overheard by: christine
My Babies Will Be Ugly on the Inside, Just Like Their Mother
Teen #1: No, like, I feel BAD for ugly babies. It's not their fault.
Teen #2: I mean, it's like, oh my God, your little girl is so cute... what, it's a boy? Oh my God, I am so sorry.
Teen #3: People always thought I was a boy when I was little. It was, like, so weird. Because I was obviously really cute, and I... I still am. Right, ladies?
Teen #1: Um, can you hand me a paper towel?
Teen #2: I have a headache. Ugh. Damn morning-after pill. No ugly babies for me!
--TGI Friday's, 59th & Lex
Overheard by: not admitting she was in a T.G.I.Fridays
He Had Enough of That with Winona
Girl #1: How excited would you be if we saw Johnny Depp?
Girl #2: I'd probably pee my pants and then pass out.
--Wall St
Overheard by: Jenny
Maybe You Should Get a Job at Starbucks Instead
Customer: I'll have a twelve-inch wheat --
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: Um... twelve inches. Isn't that a foot?
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: I think you're missing something here.
--Subway, Elmsford
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
Don't Get Him Started on American Chop Suey
Girl: And can I get brown rice with my order?
Waiter: No, we don't have brown rice here. Only white rice.
Girl: Oh, OK.
Waiter: We don't consider brown rice Chinese food.
--40th & 2nd
That's Why You've Got to Get in There Before Meals
Building engineer #1, watching pretty girl disembark: Pretty girl.
Building engineer #2: Very pretty.
Building engineer #1: You know, I would eat a pile of shit to get to that ass.
--Elevator, 130 Liberty St
It's Like Being Erased from the Book of the Universe
Young woman: How many children do you have?
Old woman: Two... well, I had three, but one moved to Florida.
--Doctor's office, 166 E. 63rd
He Plans to Raise Free-Range Children
Guy #1: That was a beautiful pit bull.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'd love to have that pit bull, but I'm not responsible enough to have a dog. I'm gonna have some kids first so they can be responsible for the dog.
--Amtrak train
No One Takes Their Music Seriously Until a White Person Records It, Anyway
Girl: I just heard a Britney Spears cover. It was odd.
Guy: I like her cover of... I think it was a James Brown song.
Girl: "My Prerogative"?... oh, no, that's Bobby Brown.
Guy: It was some brown person.
--57th & 8th
It's Just Some Gas
Goth guy: Stop looking so happy!
Goth girl: I'm not happy!
--Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: djingo
And This Damned Restraining Order Is Not Helping a Bit
Guy #1: I love how pretty girls smell good.
Guy #2: Yeah. Have you ever sniffed one?
Guy #1: No.
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Olivia
Which I Would Spell Out if I Didn't Feel So Light-Headed
Skinny fashionista: If you just eat like I eat and exercise, you'll lose weight. I swear!
Normal woman: But you hardly eat anything. Don't you get hungry?
Skinny fashionista: You are totally missing the point!
--Bar, Soho Grand
Overheard by: Manhattman
... Mom
Lady: You're making me wet... I SAID you're making me wet.
Man: Yes, I tend to have that effect on the ladies.
Lady: With your umbrella.
Man: I'm flattered, but it's not that big.
--1 train
Overheard by: Sloane
The Paradoxical Height Thing Makes Them Insecure and Eager to Please
Schoolgirl #1: You know that tall short blond girl?
Schoolgirl #2: You just described about 250 girls in our school.
Schoolgirl #1: Um... the one who isn't a whore.
Schoolboy: That narrows it down to about five.
--Manhattan bound F train
Overheard by: Fareeda
But for God's Sake, Use Protection
Guy: Hey, come and see this comedy show for free! You can get drunk.
Tourist girl: We're not over twenty-one.
Guy: Man, this is New York! We don't card! Fuck the government!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Andi
Freud: I Don't Know Where to Start!
Woman: Once my mom let me go to school, when I was eight, in a training bra and a see-through baby blue crocheted hand-knit sweater that my grandma made.
Man: What the fuck?
Woman: Yeah. I got made fun of something fierce. That's when I realized my mom's a crazy bitch.
Man: Heh.
Woman: But you know what? I fucking love her. I love that crazy-ass bitch.
--7 train, Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Ryan
Still Fuming About the Five-Dollar Birthday Check
Sarah Lawrence guy: And how is your grandmother?
Sarah Lawrence girl: I don't know, fucking dying, like everyone else's grandmother.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: has a healthy grandmother
I'm Just High on God, Officer
Guy: If I can be a good crackhead, I can be a good Christian.
--A train
How T-Shirt Magazine Was Born
Clerk #1: I've always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I've always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
--American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
Now Let's Kiss and Make Up
Tween #1: You called me gay? I'll sue you!
Tween #2: You're gay for even saying that.
--Elizabeth & Mott
Overheard by: stephin' out
Rick Santorum: At Least Have the Decency to Wait Until It's a Hen
Guy: So I thought I'd get married before I go.
Girl: You're getting married?
Guy: Yeah, to some chick.
--1st between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Kira
This Bookstore Has Had Several Owners, Yes
Girl: Is this the cheapest copy of Steal This Book that you have?
Cashier: Yeah, we only have that one new.
Girl: So then this isn't exactly a used bookstore, is it?
Cashier: Well, you are going to use it, right?
--Village Bookstore, St. Marks
Might Be a Snack up There with Your Name on It
Fat kid: Can we take the elevator?
Dad: No, Charlie, come up the stairs.
Fat kid: But this is IMPOSSIBLE!
Dad: No, it isn't impossible. Now move up the stairs.
--Subway, Bryant Park
Overheard by: Rita
You're Just Exchanging One Cage for Another
Woman #1: I couldn't be a housewife. I need to get out of the house.
Woman #2: I get out... I go to Wal-Mart.
--Port Authority
It Smells That Way 'Cuz St. Peter Was a Fisherman
Little Girl: Mommy, where is heaven?
Ghetto Mommy: Right around the corner from my ass.--Astoria BlvdOverheard by: Meg
Headline by: Jim
Runners-Up:
· "A Little 'Piece' of Heaven" - Mistress Squidia
· "And on the 28th Day, There Came a Rain of Blood From Heaven..." - smo
· "Cleveland, However, Is Closer to the Armpit." - Paul Nielsen
· "From Rear to Eternity" - ilemanzer
· "Heaven i'taint." - Lee
· "Holy Shit" - lounamaa
· "I Don't Think That's What Carrie Underwood Meant When She Sang: 'I Wanna Be Inside Your Heaven'" - Jenny
· "Must Be a ZoroASStrian" - John P.
· "Sample Curriculum from the Sunday School Taught by Mary Kay Letourneau" - steph
· "Suprisingly, More People Get into Heaven Than You're Led to Believe in Church." - J.C.
· "Then How Can Godliness Be Next to Cleanliness?" - kelynsh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Diminutive Diverts Attention from the Large Nose
JAP #1: I hate how he calls himself "Bobby" just to seem more Jewish!
JAP #2: Yeah, why isn't he comfortable being a Bob?
--Central Park
I'm Not Hearing a 'No'
Dude: Bitch, you're one hot bitch.
Girl: Did you just call me a bitch?
Dude: Wanna have sex?
Girl: I would, but I have to walk in this direction now.
--Central Park
Hey, Man, Where Do You Think Families Come From?
Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we're trying to eat over here.
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God's sake, this is a family restaurant!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.
--Mickey D's, Times Square
I Said I Just Whacked Off
Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Madeline
Mama Said There'd Be Wednesday One-Liners Like This
20-Something chick: Yeah, well that was when I used to get drunk with his mother.
--176th St between Audubon & Amsterdam
Overheard by: sj
Drunk girl: I always end up with the ones with mommy issues. Like, does it look like I'm lactating, motherfucker? Didn't think so.
--Park Slope
Tween boy: Well, my mom was lactating at the time, so I just drank that.
--7th Ave & 5th St, Park Slope
Professor: Mothers are not uncommon in families. Grandmothers don't count because they're not sexual threats.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Construction worker: Yeah, I fucked her and her mom. I know, Ma, I'll call her back.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Tom
Woman on cell: You need to calm the fuck down. Calm down. You need to calm the fuck down! Bullets do not have names. Mama said that. You be runnin' around with the crips, with the gangs. You gonna get your ass shot. You listen to me: you need to calm the fuck down!
--Metro-North
Overheard by: MojoSaves
Girl: But, Mom, I can't trust you if you don't like me!
--Starbucks, 75th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ali
Ebert and Roeper at the Wednesday One-Liners
Woman, watching Jet Li movie preview: I won't see it. All they ever do is hop around, and I have no idea what's going on.
--AMC Theatre, W 42nd St
Overheard by: Jason
Slow learner: Yeah, we just got out of Miami Vice...Yeah, I've seen it twice. Trust me: do not see that movie!
--42nd between 9th & 10th
Overheard by: Ash
Young woman: When I went to see Snakes on a Plane, I didn't think there'd be snakes! On a plane!
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Tween boy: After seeing that movie, I have to say: Johnny Knoxville is the most suicidal person next to Jesus.
--C train
Overheard by: Dirty D
Ticket taker, directing people to theater: Go out the window and take a left.
--AMC 25, Times Square
Overheard by: L
Blonde girl: Isn't Short Circuit the movie with R2D2?
--Rooftop party, W 43rd
Overheard by: Esther
Guy in very crowded train: It felt like Schindler's List for a second there.
--7 train
Overheard by: giants fan
Wednesday's Child is Full of One-Liners
Ten-year-old: If I work on my claw skills, I will always be able to tell what time it is!
--CVS, Lexington Ave
Child tourist: There's so many people. Don't they have jobs?
--Times Square
Overheard by: rae
Young boy: Were you sniffing my father?
--Bronx Zoo
Little girl: I can't wait 'til I have my own psychic friend.
--181st & Pinehurst
Overheard by: Josh h
Young boy: Mommy, I wanna go see the thongs.
--Saks
Overheard by: Butt Floss
Young girl tourist, exiting taxi: Goodbye! I love you! More than all the other cabs!
--Thompson & 3rd
Overheard by: kerm and mere
Little girl: You always make things up! You made this game up, you made the rules up, you even made me up!
--19th Ave, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Think Globally, Act Locally
Hobo: Give Germany brain cancer! Fire laser beams into the back of the brain of Germany! Men, women, retarded children! Make Germany lose their memory!
--New York Public Library
Guido on cell: Write this down. It's P, O, A with two dots on it, N, G. It's a chair. Poang. Two dots. Two dots. Above. How the fuck should I know? It's Swedish.
--IKEA, Elizabeth
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
JAP: OK, Brittney, so he got blown up in Israel. Everyone gets blown up in Israel!
--Harry's Burritos, Thompson & 3rd
Queer: See, the problem is, you go to France and there are a ton of cute guys, but they're all French. You go to Italy, cute guys everywhere, but they're all Italian.
--47th & 9th
Overheard by: Jack Lienke
Guy on cell: If I made out with a Venezuelan, does that mean I'm on a government watch list?
--49th & 9th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Barista: Can you grab me a tall Ethiopian by the neck?
--Starbucks, Grand Central
Suit on cell: And I said, fuck, yeah, it was the best damn sushi I ever had! Who gives a fuck if we were in Alabama... those fuckers were still Japanese, you know?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Who doesn't love the South?
Hee Hee Hee, You Said 'Wednesday One-Liners'
Woman: See? I'm really good at boning.
--Gavroche, 14th & 7th
Overheard by: the immature restaurant guest
Woman, yelling over to man during downpour: How come every man I date ends up getting me wet?
--Water Club, 500 E 30th
Overheard by: Carolyn
Burly guy: Dude, can you help me get it up?
--Gold's Gym, 250 West 54th
Teen: I was so thirsty. Anything that went in my mouth, I swallowed.
--LIRR
Overheard by: kaydot
NYU trendoid: I need some nuts, like, hardcore.
--MoMA
Conductor: Please let the passengers get off before pushing on the train. Get them off. Get them off. Get them off fast!
--Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Philip
Girl: Ooo! I'll suck on it with you!
--3rd St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: confused grad student
Wednesday One-Liners Care About Melanin
Girl: You really don't realize how many Indian kids there are at NYU until you have really shitty sex with one of them and have to try to avoid him.
--Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Jake
Indian guy, to white guy: Do you see the color of my skin? I'm obviously more intelligent than you.
--Makers
Very white girl: It was so diverse and, like, I don't know, I felt like a minority.
---Union Square
Guy: I don't discriminate based on race, but you in particular are a suspicious-looking motherfucker.
--Red Sky Lounge, 29th & Park
Guy on cell: You fucking idiot. You don't have jaundice. You're Asian.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: another asian
Frenchman: Hurry! That chocolate man is taking your parking space!
--Christopher St
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Black guy, to white infant: Hey! Hey! Awww, shit. You anotha' one of dose fucking crackers! Cracker-ass crackers fucking everywhere.
--48th & 8th
Overheard by: The Cracker's Mama
Wednesday One-Liners Could Use a Fig Leaf
Girl: I'm almost too comfortable with old-people nudity.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: hannah
Middle-Aged woman: Oh my God, you should have been there to see my husband naked-bodysurfing.
--Thompson & Spring
Man on cell: Yeah... I'm just calling to let you know the Naked Cowboy called in sick today because of the rain. Yeah, I'm going to take his place. I just wanted to let you know. OK. Bye.
--48th & 2nd
Young woman: There's the Naked Cowgirl. She's not all that. She's not even that pretty!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Derek Powazek
Girl: It's not like when a guy sees you naked, he's gonna be like, "Yo, I wish you were more muscular."
--College Walk, Columbia University
Girl on cell: Because grown sisters naked in a room together is weird!
--L train, Metropolitan Ave
Overheard by: Must be weird
Woman on cell: Naked on the couch?... God, I don't blame you.
--3rd & A
Overheard by: Kira
I Heart Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: You still love me even though I'm a fatty?
--113th & Broadway
Guy on cell: You know, dude, I could totally fall in love with her if she weren't such a crack-whore.
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Kaitlyn
Loud hipster girl: Shrooms are like love and happiness. You don't find them; they find you!
--Williamsburg waterfront
Overheard by: could use all three
Idealist: If he really loved me, wouldn't he moisturize?!
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Ghetto girl: Love ain't got nothin' to do with the way you smellin' right now!
--Chambers & Broadway
Overheard by: AWAG
Middle-Aged guy: But if she loved me so much, why did she point the shotgun at me?
--57th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: harvey
Woman on cell: You know that Susan already hates you...Of course she's just doing it to be a bitch...I love Susan.
--73rd & Columbus
Overheard by: Will
Cheech & Chong's Wednesday One-Liners, Man
Queer: When I get stoned, my grundle itches.
--6 train
Overheard by: sheerah
Street vendor, gesturing to enormous bong: No, no...this one is for tobacco.
--St. Mark's
Elderly man: People are stupid! They don't do pot!
--R train
Stoned guy: Man, why do chip manufacturers always put the crumbs at the bottom of the bag?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: bernard black
Teenage gangsta: Yo, when I was in the shower, it totally tasted like weed. For real.
--Lafayette & Houston
Passenger: If you see a suspicious package or activity on the platform or train, don't keep it to yourself. Tell a cop or an MTA employee or me. There might be some money or some weed in there.
--4 train
Overheard by: Mike
Long-haired dude, picking up a cigarette butt: Man, that's not what I wanted to smoke.
--72nd & Columbus
Overheard by: clarence rosario
Wednesday One-Liner's Parents Used the TV as a Sitter
Hard hat: This is my idea, okay? Seriously, don't try and steal it, because I think I can make this happen. Ready? The Fab Five visit Dog the Bounty Hunter's show, and they give Dog and his whole crew a makeover.
--Construction site, 26th & 6th
Overheard by: Big Perm
Black aesthetician, discussing Flavor of Love: I know that show's gonna set my people back 50 years, but I just gotta watch it.
--Staff room, NYC Day Spa, 57th between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: massage therapist lurking nearby
Jock: Last night we were so wasted we got naked and mounted the ram....and then watched Fraggle Rock.
--Rose Hill Cafeteria, Fordham
College student: Watching Dawson's Creek is like studying for the SATs.
--St. John's University
Nerdy teen: Oh my God, a refrigerator with a television in it. My life's dream has just been realized.
--Best Buy, 23rd & 6th
Overheard by: nicolette
Amateur media scholar: It's not called Lost because they're lost. It's called Lost because the audience can't follow it.
--R train
20-Something guy to his date: But if you don't have a television, how do you watch porn?
--Koi, 40th & 6th
Overheard by: UniqueNY
Wednesday One-Liners. Aw, Snnnap!
Jungian: Let's be honest: everyone knows he has the personality of an air conditioner.
--39th & Madison
Overheard by: Emily
Queer, looking at hordes of tourists: It's times like this I wish I carried a taser.
--33rd St
Overheard by: jackattack
Ghetto girl: He smell like a sanitation truck. You know how when a sanitation truck drives by and it just smells nasty? Yeah, he like 8 trucks in a row!
--R train, 23rd St
Overheard by: Sue
Sarcastic hipster: Wow, that girl over there is a great artist. She did a fantastic job of drawing her eyebrows on her face.
--Brooklyn bound L train
College kid: Tourists are kinda like retards; I want to help, but I just never seem to.
--44th & 5th
Overheard by: David
Guy on headset: I don't want no broke ass bitches. She couldn't even rub two crackers together.
--Bleecker & Carmine
Ghetto waitress: Ugh. Table 9 has had so much work done on her face. Too bad she still look busted.
--Sarabeth's East, 92nd & Madison
Overheard by: Dan
Wednesday One-Liners Know the Guys Down at Vice a Little Too Well
Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don't think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp.
--33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Alex
Drunk girl: I don't want to be sold for five dollars on the street!
--1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Kira
Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday.
--150 5th Ave
Addiction expert: I don't think he's addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers' asses.
--6 train, 68th St
Old Jewess: I couldn't tell if they were singers or prostitutes.
--1 train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Kimdog
Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far!
--Times Square
Guy: She's kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild.
--Hughes Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
They're Not Going to Be One-Upped on the Surrealism
Guy #1: You know that Anton Webern's Quartet for the End of Time was performed in a concentration camp? Crazy.
Guy #2: Yeah. He died real weird. I forget how. I think the Nazis shot him.
Total stranger: Actually he was shot by Allied soldiers. He was breaking curfew smoking a cigarette, and they mistook him for his brother-in-law, who was an alleged Nazi spy.
Guy #1: Oh, I see. Thanks.
Total stranger: Any other questions? I just ride this train all day waiting to answer questions on twentieth-century music composition. The next car has an expert on Chekhov, and the conductor studies philosophy.
Guy #1: So anyway, Slavic girls are pretty hot.
Guy #2: Yeah, for real.
--7 train
Betisme! Merde de Cochon! Maricon! Dumkopf! Krentekakker!
Woman #1: I call her a dirty slag, she calls me a fat cow. You know.
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: But she says it in the most proper British accent, so I don't really mind.
Woman #2: Yeah, if I'm insulted in a foreign language, what do I care?
--13th & 7th
Once Herds of Free-Range Lesbians Roamed the East Village as Far as the Eye Could See
Chick #1: The East Village is so gentrified.
Chick #2: Yeah. Brooklyn is really gentrified. It didn't used to be like that.
Chick #1: America... is pretty gentrified.
Chick #2: Yeah.
--St. Marks & A
Overheard by: Dav Ellman
How You Know Someone's Time-Traveled at Least Twice During One Conversation
Girl #1: At least I still kept my perfume.
Girl #2: Oh my gosh, did you leave your perfume behind?
Girl #1: No, I said I brought it with me.
Girl #2: Wait, do you still have your perfume?
--Spring & Broadway
But I Promise I Won't Do That Anymore
Girl: Do you remember what you promised me before you left?
Guy: What? No.
Girl: You don't remember what you promised me?
Guy: I promise you things all the time. I never remember any of them.
--Coffee house, East Village
Further Proof American Girls are Kinkier
English girl: The Strokes could do anything and be hot.
Friend: Yeah.
English girl: Even, like... hmm, I was going to say even if they were having a gay orgy, but --
Friend: That would be hot anyway!
English girl: Yeah! So they'd still be hot even if they...
Friend: Were peeing.
--MAC, Spring St
And Start Smelling Me, So I Don't Have to Shower Later
Woman: You shouldn't smell all of those. It's not nice to the people that will buy them. Besides, you're not even buying one.
Girl: What makes you think I'm not buying one?
Woman: It's just not nice for you to smell them, is all I'm saying.
Girl: What, I'm going to use up all the smell? Just stop talking to me.
--Candle section, Kmart, Penn Station
Overheard by: kier
There Is a Well-Documented Correlation Between Mixed Breeding and Split Ends
Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can't help it. He's half black... what? He is.
--Queens
The Inverse Relationship Between Literacy and Distance to the Ocean
Snob #1: This is exactly what kids in school should see.
Snob #2: Especially in the Midwest, where they don't read.
--Delacorte Theater, Central Park
Overheard by: Literate Midwesterner
The Entire Boot Is in the Closet
Old lady #1: WHAAAA? REALLY?
Old lady #2: Yep, I heard she is.
Old lady #1: Wow, I didn't know she was that way.
Old lady #3: No! Lorraine Bracco can't be gay, 'cause she's Italian... like us!
--3rd Ave & Carroll St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: evilrobotmonkey
Imagine the Results Pavlov Could Have Achieved with This Instead of the Bell
Girl #1: You're so hot!
Girl #2: [keeps grooving to music]
Girl #1: I just want you to have a threesome with me, you bitch!
Girl #2: Sure!
--Houston & Essex
No, Vermouth! Isn't That What Makes Martinis Dry?
Coed #1, pointing at huge stain on her shirt: It's coffee. I used water to rub it off, but the water made it all wet!
Coed #2: You should have used club soda!
--New School, 13th & 5th
And Then They All Come Out in Cat Makeup and Sing About Hitler
Girl #1: Where does Rent take place?
Girl #2: I heard it takes place in China.
Girl #1: Oh, really? Are they going to eat a dog here?
Girl #2: Maybe a puppet.
--41st & 7th
Overheard by: hahaha
Owner: Actually, I Like a Gentle Up-and-Down Motion -- The Roughened Tongue Will Be Ideal
Broker: This is not a pet-friendly property.
Girl: Does it matter if my cat is toilet-trained?
Broker: I don't understand.
Girl: My cat doesn't have a litter box. It uses the toilet. Does that help?
Broker: I am not sure if that makes a difference. How did you do it?
Girl: I used a training kit. CitiKitty.
Broker: It might impress the owner, but I am not sure it makes a difference. Does your cat flush?
Girl: It will if that helps me get the apartment.
--82nd & Columbus
But How Will I Know if They'll Fit Me?
Little boy, pointing to lacy panties: Daddy, I want some of those!
Dad: Son, when you're older, girls are gonna be throwing you their panties.
--Victoria's Secret
Ah, To Be Young and Immune to Unwanted Pregnancy Again
Kid #1: Yo, I'm going to hit that raw.
Kid #2: Do you have sperm yet?
Kid #1: Nah, but I'll still hit it raw.
--Tompkins Square Park
The Relationship Between Cause and Effect Is Tricky to Pin Down
Rich girl #1: It was so ANNOYING! I mean, boom, eighty bucks!
Rich girl #2: I hate losing money! Where were you?
Rich girl #1: Shopping.
Rich girl #2: I hate when that happens.
--Starbucks, 59th & Columbus
What's More, He Has a Job He Has to Show Up at Almost Every Other Tuesday
Guy #1: Yeah, I got a lot of responsibilities being a single dad. I got three kids... I have a lot of responsibilities taking care of them. I see them every three weeks in Buffalo.
Guy #2: Yeah.
--63rd & 1st
Overheard by: Mr. Rictus
Hey, Syd! Do We Have to Pay Corpses Scale?
Woman: Oh, he looked so old and sick in that movie. Really horrible.
Man: You know he died, right?
Woman: Oh, they must have made the movie before that.
--NJ Transit train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: confabulation nation
People...People Who Read People...Are the Schmuckiest People in the World
JAP #1: Which magazine do we want -- People or Us?
JAP #2: I don't know, let's get People.
JAP #1: Yeah, People has fewer words in it.--Kosher Delight Restaurant, 13th Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Runners-Up:
· "Also Her Rationale for Rejecting the New Testament" - El Jefe
· "Also How President Bush Chooses His Speeches" - Nicole
· "Brevity Is the Soul of Twit" - Bern
· "But if You Eliminate US Magazine's Use of 'Brangelina,' It's Like 9 Words, Tops" - Riley Ray
· "But They Buy Playboy for the Articles" - Lalaith
· "Does the Menu Come on Podcast?" - Jodi
· "Jews Against 'Wholesale Bargain' Stereotype" - jason
· "Now if They Would Just Caption the Pictures with Other Pictures" - Gadfly22
· "Oy" - Wendy
· "Patiently Waiting Until Cheap Celebrity Gossip is Available Telepathically" - Diane
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No One Ever Admits They're Looking for the Cock
Abercrombie teen #1: I know it's in this neighborhood and it's definitely below Fourth Street.
Queer: Where ju wanna go, honny? Da Cock is down ovah dere.
Abercrombie teen #2: Uh, we're not looking for the Cock.
Queer: Den ju should go home and change ju clothes!
--2nd Ave & 3rd St
Overheard by: Manhattman
They Resist Scratches As You'd Resist a 350-Pound Rapist on Meth, For Example
Customer: Look, see, there's two scratches right there.
Optician: Those two? OK, now you're being picky.
Customer: Picky?! I'm sorry that I set my expectations above your ability to provide me with scratch-resistant lenses without scratches in them.
--Eyes on the Slope, Park Slope
Overheard by: Hmm..maybe Lens Crafters
In a Comparative Religion Class in Ten Years, This Kid Will Raise His Hand and Humiliate Himself
Son: Daddy, what's that?
Father: That's the Watchtower.
Son: What do they do there?
Father: That's where they teach people how to ring doorbells.
--B train, Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: Meg
Cinderella's Stepsister Has Second Thoughts About Cutting Off Her Toe Just to Fit into the Damn Shoe
Ghetto chick #1: I'm injured! I should go in the bus first.
Ghetto chick #2: You're not injured.
Ghetto chick #1: Yes, I am, I bled, I bled on my new shoes!
--Metropolitan & Grand, Williamsburg
Overheard by: sardine in a can
That'll Come in Handy in College
Young girl: We can share!
Father: We'll have to throw away the choking hazard pieces.
Young girl: These? I wanna keep the choking hazard!
--Rite-Aid, Hudson & West 10th
She Misunderstood 'Underwire Bra'
Girl #1: My nipples are really sore and I don't know why.
Girl #2: Did you ever think that they might hurt because of the pieces of metal you've stapled through them?
--110th St
Overheard by: Not stapled
Faux-Hawks If It's a Benign Mass
Dude #1: So what's going on with *Paige?
Dude #2: Oh! She doesn't have cancer!
Dude #3: Sweet! Let's get mohawks!
Dude #1: Well, there goes my night.
--Arion & Broadway, Bushwick
Imagine a World Where Blondes Understand Things Asian Violinists Can't Grasp
Girl with violin case: I asked Weijing and she said it was OK.
Hag with eye tick: She must not have understood you. She's not blond, you know. She's Chinese.
Girl with violin case: Um, I'm pretty sure she understood me.
--Juilliard
It Was All Fun and Games Right Up Until Then
Little kid: What happened to your eye?
Woman with eye patch: Some little kid poked it out.
--Park Slope Food Co-op, Brooklyn
All Hitler Really Wanted at Munich
Crazy guy: Somebody needs to give me the right hand! No one is ever willing to give me the right hand. Why won't anyone give me a right hand?
Timid guy, sitting across from him: [raises his right hand]
Crazy guy: Thank you.
--1 train
Overheard by: Only had the left hand
Yet for Some Reason, Not When It's Burning Three Inches from My Face
Asian chick: Do you have an extra cigarette?
Tall dude: Yeah, sure.
Asian chick: Do you have a light?
Tall dude: Yeah, here you go.
Asian chick: Can you light it for me? I'm afraid of fire.
--Cosmic Cantina, Park Slope
Overheard by: worst pick up line ever
The Baby Never Has Anything Intelligent to Say, So We Know You're the Mother
Woman #1: I know he be my baby's daddy.
Woman #2: Yeah? How?
Woman #1: They be lookin' the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain't got no teeth eitha'.
--6 train, Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: lauren
In Some Cases, They Skip the Tattoo Part
Little girl: Is that a tattoo?
Woman: Yeah.
Little girl: People die from those, you know.
Woman: From tattoos?
Little girl: Yes. They get tattoos. Then they get cancer. And then they die.
--2nd & A
Would Someone Please Consult a Hipster to Determine Whether This Is Ironic?
Yuppie woman #1: I just couldn't believe it. Just because I give my child everything he wants and asks for, she has the nerve to tell me that I'm giving my son a sense of entitlement.
Yuppie woman #2: I can't believe she said that.
Yuppie woman #1: Yeah. The nerve!
--Downtown 2 train, Fulton St
Are They Talking About Water Sports?
Girl #1: Unisex bathrooms are so weird.
Girl #2: I know. It's so Euro.
Girl #1: In Europe they pee in holes.
--Element, Houston & Essex
Overheard by: krizia
See, Because of You the Whole Class Got Punished
Woman #1: Yo! Hurry up in there!
Woman #2: Don't you be tellin' me to rush! I got my woman needs, too! I had to change my pads! Betcha didn't wanna hear that, huh, didya? Didya?
Woman #3: No. We didn't.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Alanna
You Had Seven Months to Learn Verbal Communication, And Now We Try It My Way
Chick #1: So she taught the baby to use sign language? Is that because the baby only speaks Spanish?
Chick #2: No, because it's seven months old and doesn't speak.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: kelley girl
Isn't There an Interpol Song About This?
Hipster #1: I wish I had cameras in my eyes so I could film movies while I walk around.
Hipster #2: Yeah, that'd be cool, but I'd still rather just have eyes.
--34th between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: with a K
Two Leading Causes of Injury for the Married Man
Customer: I could use that cane. I pulled my hamstring last night.
Bartender: Doing what, changing diapers?
Customer: No, having sex with myself.
--Bar, 78th & 1st
Tumors, On the Other Hand, Smell Great
Girl #1: You know how deodorant gives you cancer?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Well, I'd rather take the risk, because nobody's going to like you for being smelly.
--R train
You Sure? 'Cause You Guys Both Look Like Candidates for Lithium Therapy
Dork #1: So what's your favorite element?
Dork #2: Ummm... I guess rhodium.
Dork #1: Rhodium, huh? Mine's osmium. Why wouldn't you pick chromium or cobalt?
Dork #2: I'm not sure. I just like rhodium.
--Madison Square Park
I Hope So, Otherwise This Whole Trip Will Have Been a Waste of Time
Mom: No, this isn't our stop.
Small boy: Where are we?
Mom: Christopher Street.
Small boy: Isn't that where all the gays are?
--PATH train, Christopher St
Overheard by: kris
The Need for Anti-Meme Drugs Becomes Ever More Pressing
Ghetto girl: Man, I can't believe he did this! I mean, we was in this relationship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin' to dump me! He was all, "Yeah, we're over." I was like, "What you talkin' about?" Then he was all, "I'm taking you off my Top 8."
Passerby: He took you off his Top 8? Oh, hell, no.
--Baryshnikov Arts Center
Overheard by: random dancer
I Don't Think The Lake House Is Out on DVD Yet
Police officer: Crime isn't going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?
--Brooklyn Family Court
Drunk, Or Still Emerging from the Anesthesia?
Conductor: May I see your ticket, please?
Drunk tranny: I already showed my ticket.
Conductor: Yes, but you haven't showed it to me.
Drunk tranny: What the fuck? I already showed my damn ticket.
Conductor: OK, calm down. Just show me your ticket, please... I'll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tranny: You are probably a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the disrespect I get. I am fucking changing cars.
--Long Beach bound LIRR
Positive Spin: This Girl Will Never Be Bored
Teen girl #1: Last night I thought the lights were flicking on and off in my room.
Teen girl #2: Was there something wrong with the electricity?
Teen girl #1: No, I realized it was just me opening and closing my eyes.
--12th & 6th
Leno Fans Can Be a Little Creepy
Teen tourist girl #1: The Late Show! The Late Show!
Teen tourist girl #2: We have to go see that! I can't believe The Late Show is here!
Hobo: That show is bad. Very, very bad. It will take you to hell. Repent for your sins now!
Teen tourist girl #1: Run!
--Union Square Station
Of Course, Mom! And They're Excellent Places to Have Sex
Local: Where you do want to go today, Mom?
Tourist mom: I don't know. A museum?
Local: We always go to a museum when you visit. Let's try a new one this time. We haven't been to the Guggenheim. The Museum of Sex is interesting.
Tourist mom: Museum of what? Museum of Sex? They have that here?! Please tell me you don't go there. Do you go to church these days? Hmmm? Do they have churches in this city?!
--Union Square Park
If Any of Them Get Up the Nerve to Approach a Girl
Chick: You can tell this is the comics section 'cause all the fat, ugly people are here.
Dude: You're gonna get lynched.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Javier G.
Only If She Has Braces
Hipster #1: And the funny thing was... she had no curtains, right?
Hipster #2: Yeah?
Hipster #1: Yeah, and I mean I wasn't entirely comfortable with that, but what was I supposed to say, "I'm not comfortable with my penis in your mouth right now"?
Hipster #2: Obviously you weren't gonna say that!
--Duane Reade, 23rd between 6th & 7th
He'd Been Waiting All Week to Use That Cultural Reference
Girl: Look at that guy. He's such a loser. He's wearing a fanny pack and he's covering his ears. We're at a concert. What is his deal?
Guy: The only thing that could be worse is if he had a Trapper Keeper.
--Roseland Ballroom, 52nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Harper
Clean Conscience, Stinky Foot
Woman: So what I realized is that doing the right thing is always right.
Man: Yeah, but think about it. When you go to sleep tonight your conscience will be clean.
Woman: Yeah, I have a clean conscience with a foot up my ass.
--M11 bus
Overheard by: Stevo
A Really Horrible Person Wouldn't Have Used the Condoms
Hipster #1: I can't believe you went home with that fat NYU chick last night.
Hipster #2: Yeah, I was out-of-my-mind drunk. But I totally vindicated myself immediately after.
Hipster #1: Yeah?
Hipster #2: We must have woken up her hot blond suitemate when she screamed out "Oh my God, fuck me with your giant cock!"
Hipster #1: And how do you know?
Hipster #2: Because afterward, she passed out, and I went out to her living room to have a smoke, and her roommate came out in her PJs to join me for a smoke. Then I banged her on the couch.
Hipster #1: That's awesome.
Hipster #2: Yeah. The funniest part was, I snuck back into her room when she was passed out and stole some condoms from her drawer.
Hipster #1: You're a horrible person.
Hipster #2: I know.
--L train
Overheard by: Slappy McGee
He's More of a Skype Dude
Woman #1: I called him and I called him, and he kept letting it go to voice mail!
Woman #2: Well, maybe he wasn't there. Or maybe he just didn't want to talk to you.
Woman #1: But, like, it could've been Jesus on the phone! And he wasn't answering!
Woman #2: Uh, Jesus wouldn't call on a cell phone.
--M15 bus
Technically Speaking, Anything Over Seven Inches Cannot Legally Be Referred to as a 'Wiener'
Drunk black guy, to white couple: She don't want your small white cock! She wants a big black cock, nine and a half inches!
White girl: Ewww! I hate black wiener.
--Hall & Myrtle, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: Luigi
Don't You Have Any Books Besides The Inferno and The Prince?
Guy #1: So she looks at it with all the sauce, and goes, "That's not Italian." That's her whole classification system: everything's either Italian or not Italian.
Guy #2: Good thing the library doesn't use that system.
--Datavision Computer Video, 38th & 5th
After All, Marriage Is a Three-Year Commitment
Girl #1: I've been doing eHarmony, and all of the guys they've matched me with have fit my personality really well.
Girl #2: I want to try eHarmony.
Queer: You're getting married in, like, three months.
Girl #2: I know... I'm just curious.
--Uptown 6 train
Overheard by: I Know a Good Divorce Lawyer
And by Wimp, I Mean That I Get Raped Less Frequently Than You
Girl #1: One time I passed out, then I woke up and was like, "I am on the wrong line for this." I had to get out and go back the other way!
Girl #2: I'm such a wimp. I take a cab when I get too drunk to know where I'm going.
--Manhattan bound F train
No, That's Just Where They Spend Their Saturdays
Chick: If we ever do go to Vegas, we have to see a brothel!
Queer: Isn't that where monks live?
--Rubin Hall elevator, NYU
Gangstas Read Confucius Too
Gangsta #1: Don't do shit to motherfuckers that you don't want motherfuckers to do to you.
Gangsta #2: Yeah, yeah.
--55th & 3rd
Overheard by: MES
That's Not Fair - Russians Are White
WASP: Do you know if they're putting on an express train for the US Open?
Tourist: Um, no, but that's where I'm going, too.
WASP: I know, that's why I asked you.
Tourist: How did you know that's where I'm going?
WASP: Because you're white. Why else would you be going to Queens?
--7 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Tennis Fan
Billions and Billions of Strange Butts Served
Woman #1: I can't wait to get to the hotel this weekend and have a hot bath in a clean tub.
Woman #2: What, you can't use your own tub?
Woman #1: I wouldn't sit in it. It's filthy. I only take a bath in hotel bathtubs.
Woman #2: Surely your bathtub is cleaner than a hotel bath where thousands of strange butts have been.
Woman #1: You've never seen my tub!
--Steps, NY Public Library
Overheard by: Librarian
So Are Statutory Rape Charges
Guy #1: Aw, man, she's like a 4x4, comfortable and fast! And those curves, shit.
Guy #2: She's seventeen.
Guy #1: Right on!
Guy #2: My shit is real, yo.
--1 train
You Don't Want to Know What She Does When She Gets Her Hands on the Sunny D
Ghetto chick: They got some shit out there called Purple Motherfucker.
Ghetto guy: Yeah, I know about that. I don't like to talk about that shit, though.
Ghetto chick: That shit so good, make me wanna curse my momma an' shit!
--A train, between 125th & 145th
Overheard by: Deckard
Smart Like Me
Hobo: You just get off work?
Young woman: I don't work.
Hobo: Smart.
--Spring & 6th
Overheard by: employed
The Technical Term Is 'Crack Whore'
Drunk girl #1: I can't believe he offered us $20 for that.
Drunk girl #2: We should have just took it. $20 is $20. We didn't even have to do anything. We didn't even have to look!
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, true, but can you imagine if those other two came around the corner while he was doing that.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah, you're right. They would not only think we were crackheads, but prostitutes too.
--Woodlawn
Two Honks, a Whistle and a 'Nice Ass' Means He Needs Directions
Man in truck: [Honks horn]
Rollerblading girl: What the hell does he want from me?
Man in truck: [Wolf whistles] Yeah, baby!
Rollerblading girl: ...Oh. Sex.--50th & RiversideOverheard by: Vicksburg
Headline by: Jaya
Runners-Up:
· "And That's How I Met Your Father... and Your Father. Oh, and Your Father Too." - michael Levy
· "He Puts the 'F' in 'Keep on Trucking'" - LadyP
· "I Knew Those Knee Pads Would Come in Handy!" - jackster
· "In Germany It Means 'Let's Play Scrabble Sometime'" - briguy
· "It's Called a Chevy Pick-Up" - jason
· "Next on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom: Mating Calls of the North American Teamster" - Tom Beckett
· "Pointing at Your Crotch Just Doesn't Say It Anymore" - Bevan
· "The Etymology of 'Horny'" - wavyfrog
· "They Usually Want To Discuss Dialectical Materialism" - International Man of Leisure
· "Well That, and Directions to Maryland" - that1dude
· "What's Wrong With a Little Four by Foreplay?" - Elle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
How Long You Bin Loony?
Lady: Excuse me, do you know how to get to the Holliswood Hospital?
Teen: Holliswood Mental Hospital?
Lady: Yes, the Holliswood Psychiatric Hospital.
Teen: Yeah, like I said, the mental hospital.
Lady: Psychiatric.
Teen: Mental.
--Union Turnpike & 188th
Overheard by: Zeve
Why Isn't Blood Red an Easter Color?
Woman: Oh, look at these.
Man: They're Easter colors.
Woman: I thought they were Shrek colors.
--Staples, Vesey & Broadway
Overheard by: Susan
Near Maryland, I'm Positive
Teen #1: Wanna go to Long Island tonight?
Teen #2: Yeah.
Teen #3: Wait, where on Long Island?
Teen #1: I don't know. Where is Long Island, anyway?
--Outside F.I.T.
A World Where My Sisters and Brothers Will Be Judged Not by the Color of Their Skin but by the Circumference of Their Ass
Hobo: Spare some change for the fucking poor? Yeah, that's right, you fucking chinks. Fucking slanty-eyed flat-assed bitches! Suck my ass!
Asian woman: He said my butt was flat!
--114th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners, Baby
CD vendor: Hey, baby, you like hip hop? C'mon, baby, it's good. C'mon, I never shot nobody. Well, there was that one time, but baby, c'mon.
--Outside Virgin Megastore, Times Square
Security guard: Yeah, if some guy came in, I'd be the first one on the ground, screaming,"Oh shit, he got a gun!" I'd be screaming like a baby.
--Grocery store, Astoria
Man, excitedly holding up infant to the fence: Look, baby! It's Ground Zero!
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: Rich Weksberg
Guy: I feel shaken like a baby being taken care of by a British woman!
--Chinatown bus
Overheard by: CG
Man on cell: Baby, butter that thang up 'cause I'm coming home.
--E 65th & Central Park
Guy: If I'm going to see pictures of someone pooping, I'd rather it be a baby...Or a kitten.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: B&T Bus Rider
Woman to dog: You can't go in there. You want to be on TV, baby? You want to be a big TV star?
--ABC Building entrance, 66th & CPW
Overheard by: ABC employee who's not on tv
Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Wednesday One-Liners, They Want to Be Dirty
Hipster girl: ...so then he was like, "Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!"
--Union Square
Overheard by: Gamoid
Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.
--1 train, Lincoln Center
Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.
--BX 12 bus
Guy in wifebeater: Nah...Nah...That ain't rape. That definitely ain't rape.
--W. Broadway & Spring
Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that's what. Fucking bitches.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now...Hello?
--4th St & 6th Ave
Hipster girl to hipster guy: I'm really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too?
--Q train, Canal St
Overheard by: mike C.
Wednesday One-Liners Need to Go to the Free Clinic
Woman on cell: Wait, but he still has malaria, right?...Good. Go on.
--Grove & 7th
Overheard by: courtney clinton
Frat boy: Wow! Herpes for a dollar; that sounds like a good deal!
--108th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alison R.
Amateur historian: You know what was bad? Black Plague was bad.
--Toast, Lafayette St
Overheard by: Chris
Faux-Boho gal: And he said, "I don't understand how I have STDs and you don't."
--N train
Overheard by: Kelly Green
Gay waiter: I'll have to sterilize it and then burn it or it might give the fire an infection.
--SoHo
MTA employee: So I had a touch of pneumonia, and they had to remove part of my lung. I was coughing up Jello...But it was clear, so it was okay!
--Q train, Newkirk Ave
Overheard by: Ben Couch
Hobette: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman, I'm hungry and I'm homeless. If you could please spare some money or some food, I'd appreciate it. Oh, and I have cancer. Have a nice day.
--Downtown R train
Overheard by: Kat
Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Attempt to Operate Heavy Machinery
Girl on cell: Mom, are you drunk at Wal-Mart again?
--86th & Lex
Drunk man: I can't believe they took Ray's fucking Pizza out of the Ferry Terminal. How am I supposed to sober up before I go home now?
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Drunk guy: I have to move down to this end of the train because, if I don't, I'm gonna hit that motherfucker down there. I know I only want to hit him because I've been drinking. If I wasn't drinking, he wouldn't bother me. If I had been drinking more, I'd just hit him. But right now I'm caught in a strange netherworld and I'll just chill down here.
--1 train
Overheard by: Susan Elliott
Guy on cell: What? That ungrateful, lying bitch. I can drink more Jack through my dick than he could spill on a table!
--Times Square
Guy: Man, I don't care if they call Protective Services on me. When my kid turns ten, I'll be like, "You're ready. Let's go get hammered." No fuckin' way I'm waiting 'til he's eleven.
--7th St & 2nd Ave
50-Something guy on cell: Yeah, I just spoke to Kate, and everything is wonderful. The liquor stores are open, and people are riding bicycles.
--1st Ave between 9th & 10th
Overheard by: LiAps
Enemy of Bill W.: If we pass a bar, do you guys mind stopping? I just need it chug a beer. It will literally take me 4 seconds.
--3rd St & 1st Ave
It Hurt at First, But Wednesday One-Liners Got Used to It
Barmaid: I'll never feel lonely as long as someone, somewhere wants to stick it up my butt. Knowing that helps me sleep at night. Yes, sir, so long as I know that someone still wants to put it in my poop chute, I'm one happy camper.
--E Houston St
Woman to man: Just stick your dick in his ass. That'll make him happy.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Jillian C
White girl on cell: And he put it in my ass and I was like, "Nuh-uh, nigga."
--12th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Scott
Restaurant patron: So you'll take a dick up the ass, but you won't have that operation?
--Florent Restaurant, Gansevoort St
Yuppie: Can we not talk about anal sex at the opera?
--Met performance, Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: @$#%!
Girlfriend to boyfriend: For every one you hit, you can put it in my ass.
--Batting cages, West Side
Overheard by: The King Adrock
Guy on cell: ...and the next thing I know, I'm getting fucked up the ass with Chapstick for lube. ...No, cherry! ...I know!
--49th St
Overheard by: Manhattman
Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins
Fashionista: I'm not ready for a rich man.
--East Village
Woman: Yeah, he's got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!
--Uptown 6 train
3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.
--Playground, DUMBO
Overheard by: grimrosary
Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, "That's what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants."
--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway
Overheard by: LSB
Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what's fiscally feasible for me...and by "me", I mean my parents.
--D train
Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies...
Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: Hobo Hank
Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!
--Goodwill
Wednesday One-Liners Learn About the Natives Using Participant Observation
Tour guide: If you're going to be in New York for at least a year, I'd recommend going to an outer borough.
--Bowling Green
Woman, looking at dirty man talking on cell with shirt open: That, that right there, oh, yes, that is sooo New York.
--Worth & Broadway
Overheard by: Half Shirt
Office worker: We've lived in New York too long. Instead of saying "ridiculously overpriced" we say "upscale."
--Office, Carnegie Hall
Overheard by: inge
Crazy man: The subways have names and letters and numbers. They are not colors. Don't you dare call them by colors. They have names and letters and numbers. The 4 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Express. The 6 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Local. An idiot in Brooklyn asks for the orange train at King's Highway. It is not the orange train. It is the F train. He should be deported to Mars for calling it the orange train! The trains have names and letters and numbers! And you never call 6th Avenue the Avenue of the Americas!
--Uptown R train
Lady, amongst a crowd of women, shoving and stripping to their underwear to try on designer clothes: Oh my God! I am so not New York enough for this!
--Barney's Warehouse Sale, 17th between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: Dr. Mary
Girl: Being a New Yorker is great. You get to give the finger to everybody and nobody seems to care. I love this city!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jen
Tourist: These people must love their sandwiches! There are so many Subways here!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Go Back to School
Art teacher: Now you are true students of FIT! Nobody listens to directions!
--FIT
Suit on cell: I don't know if going through water is resistance or friction, do you? God! I am so tired of doing the kid's homework!
--46th between 7th & 8th
Female student: I think I'm gonna learn a lot. They were saying things that went, like, right over my head.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
NYU girl on cell: No, I'm not going to waste the credits. I'm just going to fail the class on purpose.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Kristin
Drunk chick: I'm majoring in the doggy-style orgasm.
--Slainte, 1st & Bowery
Overheard by: Genevieve
Professor to class: Most of you are familiar with the breasts of members of the opposite sex who are close to your own age.
--Columbia University Medical Center
Professor: I have no idea what you're saying, but I know you're wrong.
--Vanderbilt Hall, NYU
Overheard by: The King Adrock
For Occasional Irregularity, Take These Wednesday One-Liners
Girl: I can't go to the bathroom, I can't eat grapes, I... I'll be in a bubble!
--Brooklyn bound F train
Hipster girl, emerging from Port-a-Potty: Hey, guys, you have to feel this toilet paper! It's like silk!... I know, I'm a weirdo.
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: Roz
Suit: I swear to God, it came out sideways. It hurt coming out, then I got up and looked at it, and it was floating sideways.
--Manhattan bound J train
Overheard by: Barry P.
Voice from bathroom stall: Yes!
--Women's bathroom, Hunter College
Overheard by: acep
Girl, to friend washing her hands: Come on, let's just go. There are more germs on the sink than on the toilet.
--Restroom, Grand Central Station
Woman, walking out of stall: Left you something!
--Restroom, Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: alan b hutscar
Guy: When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth.
--14th & 3rd
Looks Like a Job for the Wednesday One-Liner Whisperer
Urban Tarzan: I grew up in a house of monkeys. My mother was a monkey, my father was a monkey, my brother was a pig.
--Main St, Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: king volcano
Customer on cell: Well, the kids finally found Grandma's python.
--Dollar Store, Fulton St
Overheard by: fiat lux
Genius: I really can't stand cats. They're just furry rats.
--Washington Square Park
Woman: I feel so guilty when the cat catches me masturbating.
--B&J Fabrics, 7th Ave
Overheard by: Shamrock
Young man on cell: Wait. Are you talking about what's normal for penguins or what's normal for four-year-olds?
--Elevator, Bellevue Hospital
Overheard by: patient
White teen: Turkeys are mad strong, you know that?
--Bleecker between Lafayette & Broadway
Overheard by: Jon A.
Middle-aged woman on cell: I have to get home to cook spaghetti for my cat.
--3rd Ave, between 53rd & 54th
Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: I don't know, now she won't sleep in the bedroom 'cause of the mobster, and she needs a ride to the Hamptons.
--7th & Ave A
Overheard by: Analt
Guy: He'll be here in another twenty minutes. He's sleeping in the back of a car.
--74th & 2nd
Overheard by: Wendy
Teenage girl: I know it's so wrong, but I'm seriously lusting for luxury cars. I just want to lick them. I want to hump those leather seats!
--WTC Path station
Overheard by: Carine
Suburban boy: Oh my God, driving in the city is most fun thing in the entire world!
--Downtown R train
Overheard by: confused
Man: I had a bad night tonight. I stole a car, got two tickets. I shouldn't-a stole that car.
--Bodega, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Flasteppi
Drunk guy on cell: If you don't have my money by 12 tomorrow, I'm gonna get your mother's car and your sister's car...I still love your sister, too, but you better have my money.
--Union Turnpike-Kew Gardens E/F station
Young woman: Where did all these cars come from? New York doesn't have cars.
--35th & 5th
Overheard by: Frank & Alex
Wednesday One-Liners Are With the Band
Dr. Obvious: If you want to be a label band, you have to play like a label band.
--Bar basement, Williamsburg
Subway performer: I would like to sing you a song now, one that I wrote and I am very proud of. It goes like this, "Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend..."
--Brooklyn bound L train
Overheard by: Meg
Guy to girl: I don't mean to be pretentious, but I have seen the Palominos live.
--CBGB's
Karaoke singer: I realized early on that I wasn't being sexy enough with that song, and then suddenly I was humping the air.
--Fat Black Pussycat, 3rd St & 6th Ave
Stoner: Dude, what is this band playing? Is this Phish? No, seriously. I'm really confused.
--Dave Matthews Band concert, Randall's Island
Overheard by: Sober at Randall's Island
Black guy: I don't give a damn what the black people think! I want Evanescence!
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Kimmie
Waiter: I had to get out of there. I'm sorry, but I just can't listen to Tom Waits as soon as I get into work! It's too early for Tom Waits! Let me ease into my day first. Jesus!
--Outside Life Café
Overheard by: daile
So That's Where Cain and Abel's Wives Came From
Teen girl, observing scantily clothed Inca healer: Gosh, Mom, didn't they have any decency?
Mom: Well, all this was before Adam and Eve.
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: not a history major
No, We're Just Going to McDonalds
Old woman inside apartment: You gotta come here and look at this!
Old man: Do I gotta put my pants on to come see it?
--80th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jo
The Fat Part's Free, But You Have to Pay for the Protein and the Carbs
Shopper #1: I've never bought yogurt before. I don't know what to get. What does fat free mean?
Shopper #2: You know, its free... of fat.
Shopper #1: Oh, OK.
--Grocery, 40th & 5th
Overheard by: Super Mike
Whatever, They're Both Played at Goth Bar Mitzvahs
Woman: I changed my ringtone to "In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida."
Man: Really?
Woman: Yeah. [sings song]
Man: That's "Hava Nagila."
--The Thing, Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sweetchuck
It Was Very Exclusive, Very Artsy... See, It Was Limited to People with Internet Connections
Hipster: Oh, no, see, that's the common misconception. MySpace was originally the Friendster for artists.
Girl: Oh.
--Williamsburg
Silicone Jelly
Kinderslut #1: You wanna know the secret to having big boobs?
Kinderslut #2: Fuck, yes, you know how flat-chested I am!
Kinderslut #1: Mom and I are very well endowed, so I asked her if it was genetic or something else.
Kinderslut #2: And?
Kinderslut #1: Peanut butter.
Kinderslut #2: You're shittin' me! Are you sure?
Kinderslut #1: Yes! I've been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all my life. So has my mom, and you see.
Kinderslut #2: Could be the jelly.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: angie
So You're Saying It Can't See Out of That One That Isn't There?
Compassionate chick, looking at homeless cats: Oooh, look at this one. It only has one eye. What happened?
Kitten rescue volunteer: Oh, it lost an eye.
--72nd & Columbus
They Have Chocolate or Bubble Gum
Asian woman: You want Coach, Prada, Louis Vuitton? DVD?
Guy, about to light up: Do you sell fake cigarettes?
--Canal St
By 'Unicorns' He Means 'Hummers,' and by 'Pots of Gold' He Means 'Pots of Gold'
Biker #1: The fact that he's conservative doesn't intrinsically make him ugly. There are attractive Republicans.
Biker #2: On unicorns with pots of gold!
--10th & Greenwich
Sucking My Cock Is One Thing, But Rooting for the Sox Is Over the Top
Queer #1, to girl in Red Sox shirt: The Red Sox are fabulous!
Queer #2: Can you be any more gay?
--West 4th & Perry
A Partner Would Have Bitch-Slapped Her
Female suit: He's not even a partner?
Man: Yep.
Female suit: He shushed me and he's not even a partner!
--Broadway & Wall
Sadly, the Wart, Green Skin, and Pointed Hat Were Effectively Invisible Compared with the Limp Wrist, Sashaying Hips, and Love of Shoes
Girl #1: Wow, look at all the babies out here!
Polish queer: Mmm... dinner.
Girl #2: What?
Polish queer: I'm just living up to the stereotype.... Witches? Eating babies?
Girl #2: Oh! I thought you meant Polish people!
Guy: I thought you meant gay people!
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: Caroline
If You're Getting Married
Tourist lady #1, holding dress: Hmmm... I think I'm going to get the red one because it's more Asian than the other ones. Right?
Tourist lady #2: Yeah, red is definitely more Asian.
--Souvenir shop, Mott St
Overheard by: Sannie
This Explains Why the Senator Isn't at a Zero-Percent Approval Rating
Dude #1: You know, I kinda like Richie Santorum.
Dude #2: Yeah... he's a pretty good guitarist. Bon Jovi's alright.
Dude #1: Yep.
--7 train
Dad Also Says You're 'Moody' and That He's a 'Problem Drinker'
Tourist kid: Mom, am I fat?
Tourist mom: Yes. Now get in the airplane.
Tourist kid: Dad says I'm husky.
Tourist mom: That means fat.
--U.S.S. Intrepid
He's a Method Bus Driver
Bus driver #1: Hey, Frank!
Bus driver #2: WHAT?
Bus driver #1: Dude, stop yelling at me. I'm right next to you.
Bus driver #2: It's my bus driver voice.
Bus driver #1: You need to learn when the right time is to use the bus driver voice.
Bus driver #2: Jeez, sorry.
--Kew Garden Rd, Queens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Big Brothers and Big Sisters of New York Is Losing an Important Role Model Today
Man #1: I mean, I don't feel guilty about this.
Man #2: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Man #1: I put a lot in this relationship.
Man #2: Yeah. Yeah.
Man #1: I took time out from work. Time from the club. Time from my wife and kids.
--Health club locker room
He's a Lock for a Career There
Father: Look at that sign. What do you think mela means?
Son: I don't know.
Father: Look at the picture.
Son: Oh, apple! So it's, like, an Applebee's?
--Little Italy
Poor Little Guy
Girl #1: I had to close my account.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I wasn't creeping anyone out. Like, the other day some guy IMs me, and I tell him that I'm really into short guys, like five foot three and under, because I want to feel like I'm fooling around with a little boy.
Girl #2: What did he say?
Girl #1: He asked me if I wanted to meet up. Lavalife freak.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Alex
He Never Did Figure Out Why the Blue Wouldn't Come Off
Teen guy on cell: Yeah, we should catch a movie. I gotta wash my balls first, though... No, that's fine. We can go to a party, but I gotta wash my balls.--Manhattan bound N trainOverheard by: Caryn
Headline by: Dustin
Runners-Up:
· "'Cuz When I Party, I Go Balls Out!" - MYRock
· "...Just in Case There's a Sack Race" - Rob
· "Can You Assist Me With the Blow Drying Process?" - Bored Beyond Belief
· "Cleanliness Is Next to the Perineum" - brazos
· "Fratboy Etiquette, in a Nutshell" - Hellespont
· "He Started Playing Billiards Just For the Double Entendres." - j
· "How to Spot a Dedicated Golfer" - TJ
· "I Hate to Tell Him, But Crabs Isn't Something You Can Just Wash Off..." - J.B.
· "In Case It's a Boston Teabag Party" - slappy
· "OCDeez Nuts" - Courtney
· "Or Get a Dog and Some Peanut Butter" - Corydon
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Art If I Say It's Art, Dammit!
Woman: What's your favorite art supply?
Man: Vagina!
--Union Square
I Sometimes Despair of Ever Closing the Vast Chasm Between the Races
White girl #1: Dude, I just knocked off work.
White girl #2: Where you working?
White girl #1: The florist.
White girl #2: Dude, that's pretty gangster.
--Central Park
How Are They Wearing Orange Cheese in Paris These Days?
Customer: You got anything for a model in here? My niece is a model, and I gotta get her something for her birthday!
Salesgirl: Yes, ma'am, we have some dresses over here.
Customer: 'Cause she's a model, and I gotta get her something... [holding up a scarf] is this good for a model?
Salesgirl: Well, yes, do you think she'd like those colors?
Customer: Oh, I don't know! Who knows what these models want anyway! Do you have a knife?
Salesgirl: What?
Customer: A knife! A knife! So I can cut this open! [Produces large block of orange cheese from her coat]
Salesgirl: Um, ma'am, there's no eating in the store.
Customer: I know that! I'm not gonna eat it! I just want to open it! Jesus!
Salesgirl: Let me get my manager.
--Pookie and Sebastian, 36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jenna Blackburn
All Children Are Solipsists at Heart
Baby, sticking hand in face of stranger: Mahhhh!
Mom: Sarah! Remember other people?
--Brooklyn bound R train
Overheard by: R train Rider
It Was Just Experimenting in College
Girl: I'm up for anything. You gotta change it up. I just don't want to date a guy who's a stick-in-the-mud.
Guy: Well, I can assure you, my stick has been out of the mud for some time now.
--Battery Park
Let Me Know When You're Considering Women - Then I'll Be Impressed
Queer: Dude, I'm so horny, I'm thinking about considering Asians.
--Lil' Frankies, 1st St
My Flight to Siberia Leaves in an Hour
Optimist queer: You should be happy. Not all the people in the world are out to get you. Why not just be nice?
Pessimist queer: Whenever I'm nice to people, they spit in my eye, fuck me up my ass, and kick it all the way to Siberia.
Optimist queer: So when was the last time someone fucked you up your ass?
Pessimist queer: An hour ago.
--Sutphin & Hillside, Jamaica
Overheard by: ting
They Won't Come Anywhere Near Us, And We Can Shop in Peace
Black guy #1: Man, we shoulda gone to the Target in Queens!
Black guy #2: Yeah! That's where all the white people go!
--Target, Inwood
Overheard by: amused white girl
That Ought to Get Her a Few Marriage Proposals Right There
Southern woman on phone: You can't threaten me with jail! Three hots and a cot, I ain't nobody's momma, and I ain't nobody's wife! And I ain't above eating pussy!
--A train
On the Bright Side, It Could Be the Grave of a Mime
Girl, pointing at a white blob at the foot of a tree: Ewww, a giant mushroom... oh, it's a beret. Still, ewww.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Lisa
Just Put Your Card in My Hand and Close Your Eyes for a Few Minutes
Chick: Wait, you don't take credit cards?
Street vendor: Yeah, I got a machine right here in my arm.
--Whitehall & Bridge
Insurance Covers Only One of Them
Girl #1: So is he a pharmacist or a drug dealer?
Girl #2: What's the difference?
--5 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
What She Gets for Raising the Kid on Monty Python
Little boy, to male conductor: Where's the snack bar, ma'am?
Mom: Good, you're being polite!
--Amtrak, Penn Station
Overheard by: Russ Wall
I Want All Our Babies to Be Aborted Professionally
NYU girl #1, on cell: What? You got me something at Planned Parenthood?
NYU girl #2: I thought you hadn't done it yet!
NYU girl #1, on cell: Oh, oh, a button with a wire hanger. With a cross through it.
NYU girl #2: Maybe he's trying to tell you something.
--10th & 5th
Overheard by: notpoetry
That's Only If the Baby's Still Alive
Girl #1: It's not good to flush the toilet while you're in the stall.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because then everything that's in the toilet... jumps out.
Girl #2: Ewww.
--Ladies' room, Columbia University
Not Exactly - It's Just That They Ran Out of Condoms
Delivery guy, bringing soda that wasn't delivered the first time: You ordered a mistake?
Man: Huh?
Delivery guy: Somebody ordered a mistake?
--117th & 2nd
Overheard by: cerebral pauly
Gentleman of the Old School Seeks to Meet Lady for Intelligent Conversation - Nonsmokers Preferred
Girl: Have you got a light, baby?
Man: No! I will not have sex with you!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Loves Sex and the City
So He Broke into the Lubelski, Followed by a Vigorous Polka
Little girl, pointing to grab holds: Look, Dad, monkey bars!
Little boy: I wanna play on the pole! No, you can't too, this is my pole!
Dad: Bobby, everyone can play on the pole!
Little girl: Bobby, go back to your pole!
Little boy: Fine! Look, Dad, I'm a pole dancer!
--PATH train, World Trade Center
Dr. Frankenstein: I Did the Best I Could, You Insensitive Whores!
Girl #1: Yeah, I just really don't like Matthew McConaughey's arms. I mean, he's an attractive guy, but his arms are just...
Girl #2: I know what you mean, I guess... they don't match his body.
Girl #1: I was going to say I hope he gets cancer in his arms, but I didn't mean it.
Girl #2: I know.
--Columbus Circle
She Should See the Video
Dude: I know she's your girlfriend, John, but I'd come all over her.
Bartender chick: Wow, that was kind of... graphic.
--The Slaughtered Lamb, Jones & West 4th
Overheard by: Tarkus
Open-Ended Questions Aren't So Good When There's Only One Answer, Brittney
Chick #1: You know what today is a perfect day for?
Chick #2: Shopping?
Chick #1: No. Gaelic football!
--87th & 2nd
How Else to Explain All These Kentucky Fried Chicken Franchises?
Man: You know what the tristate area is? New York, New Jersey, and Kentucky.
Woman: What?
--181st & Riverside
Overheard by: Josh H
And You Are NOT Getting a Tattoo
Daughter: Mom, when we go to Europe I want to go to Auschwitz, too.
Mom: No, Alex, one concentration camp is enough.
--Central Park
Overheard by: lol holocaust
At the Reunion, He Threatened to Shoot Me and Then Sell Me Life Insurance
Guy #1: I told you how he threatened me, didn't I? He said he wanted to knife me and then sodomize me.
Guy #2: Man, your high school was fucked up.
--12th & B
Overheard by: Neckbeard
I Was Until You Told That Story
Teen girl: So somehow we all ended up in our underwear, then Katie suggested Truth or Dare. That was weird. I had to give her a lap dance, and Sarah had to lick my tits, and freaky stuff like that. It was more like some lesbian orgy than a sleepover.
Teen guy: That sounds... so hot.
Teen girl: Oh my God, I thought you were gay!
--R train
Not the Way I Was Raised to Assault a Lady
Guy #1: Whatever happened to good old-fashioned rape?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Well, nowadays you hear about girls being drugged with, like, military sedatives.
--Fordham University, the Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
The New Yorkers Waited With Bated Breath, Hoping Secession Was in the Works
Woman: Oh, this is great. We got on a nonstop train to Trenton. Just what I fuckin' need in my life right now. It's OK, we'll just go see our nation's capital.
Random man: Our nation's capital?
Woman: You know I meant state. I don't need comments from the fuckin' peanut gallery. I went to high school. I graduated with fuckin' honors.
--NJ Transit train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Another fuckin' honor student
And Remember, Fans, Wednesday Is 'Pussy Tattoo Night' Here at the Ballpark
Woman #1: I don't know how I'm gonna get Bernie to go down on me. I've even tried waxing.
Woman #2: Maybe you can tattoo a little Yankees logo down there.
Woman #1: Are you kidding? It would be a holy object. He would kneel and make burnt offerings.
Woman #2: At least he would be kneeling. That's a start.
--Williamsburg
If by 'Vegoose' You Mean 'We Get Back to My Room, Turn On the Black Light, Play Some Phish, and Stare at My Tapestries,' I Am So with You
Girl: I think that guy is waving to me.
Guy: That's a streetlight. Maybe you shouldn't have eaten that third piece of paper.
Girl: I can't wait 'til vegoose.
--South Street Seaport
Kinda Leaves a Bad Taste in Your Mouth, Though
Man: You finally made it.
Woman: Yeah... by the time I wake up, get ready, drive to the train station, take the train, then take the subway to get here all for a ten-minute interview... it's, like, a total rim job.
Man: Ummm... at least you made it.
--50th & 7th
Still Better Than the Peritonitis Story He's Not Telling
Barista: What happened to your fist?
Queer: An AC bit it.
Barista: Really?
Queer: Yeah.
Barista: Nice story.
Queer: Well, it's better than my story before.
Barista: Which was?
Queer: I told people it was a fisting accident: he sneezed! People didn't respond too well.
--St. Marks
Overheard by: fran
Ladies and Gentlemen: The Only Two People in New York with Insurance
Scaffolding: [loud boom]
Girl: Holy shit.
Construction worker #1: Hey, it's OK, don't worry.
Construction worker #2: Yeah, we have insurance!
--81st & 2nd
Overheard by: another girl about to walk under the death tr
But I Am Also Open to the Fingers of Others
Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.
--Fanelli's, Prince & Mercer
If You're Not Willing to Throw Up for It, You Don't Really Care
Teen girl #1: I'm sorry, I'm just paranoid about getting home on time.
Teen girl #2: Pshaw. At least I'm paranoid about good things. I only make myself cry and throw up over boys.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Lotte
He Won't Even Shop at Banana Republic
Son: Dad, you want my banana?
Dad: Hell, no, I don't want your banana! That don't even sound right!
--M9 bus, Ave B
Overheard by: JennPee
Can I Have Some of Your Popcorn?
Father, to son washing hands after peeing: Come on, son. Don't waste water.
--Universal Artists Theater, Staten Island
Overheard by: David
We Take What We Want, And There's Nothing You Can Do About It
Tourist: Are you selling those?
Guy with fake handbags: Of course not! We're the police.
--Church & Fulton
Evidence the Word Self Is a Euphemism for Too Many Things These Days
Elderly clown-whore #1: I mean, how far can you spread yourself?
Elderly clown-whore #2: Oh, yes, you can't spread yourself very far without your stomach starting to hurt.
Elderly clown-whore #1: Yes, you know how much my stomach hurt that time.
--Astor Garden, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: KittyKat
It Does Sound Good. You're the Only One Who Gets Me.
Goth girl: You are such a disillusioned youth!
Goth guy: Wait, what does that even mean?
Goth girl: How should I know? I just think it sounds good.
--Claire's Accessories
He Paid Cash
Queer #1: Oh, jeez, I hooked up with that guy. Don't look.
Queer #2: Who, the guy who just walked on? Call him over. What's his name?
Queer #1: What am I, psychic?
--N train, Ditmars Blvd
Overheard by: ant
Which Is All About the Unknowns
Female tourist: I don't get it. This isn't a square, it's like... triangular.
Male tourist: No, no, they just call it that because... well... it's like... a square... a square of people. I don't know, it has something to do with algebra.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Luke
Only in America
Asian girl: Do you want to go eat Korean food?
Little brother: What does it taste like?
Asian girl: It's like American food.
--Manhattan Mall Food Court, 33rd & 6th
The Sign Just Says 'Shirt' and 'Shoes'
Receptionist #1: Can you just please go to McDonald's for me?
Receptionist #2: Fine, let me just take off my pants.
--57th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bdizzle
Just, You Know, in Case
Girl #1: What's a Pap smear?
Girl #2: Oh, its like when they shave your vagina and uterus, and they grow it in a test tube.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: pat from the island
One of Those 'It's Funny Because It's True' Situations
Chick #1: Yeah, she totally called her a slut.
Chick #2: No way! Wow!
Chick #1: Yeah, she did.
Chick #2: Wow, that's rough... well, actually, she is kind of a slut. I guess it's not really an insult if it's true.
--Sarabeth's Restaurant, 92nd & Madison
Overheard by: Dan
Where the Eggrolls Are Called Bay of Pigs in a Blanket
Foodie: Have you ever been to China Grill?
Non-Foodie: Is that Cuban food?--62nd & Broadway
Headline by: clarence rosario
Runners-Up:
· "You're Confusing 'Boat People' With the 'Cardboard Raft' People" - Jo Jo
· "Close, But No Cigar" - andrew harrison
· "Con-Fusion Cuisine" - Greg Costello
· "Either Way You Feel Oppressed Again an Hour Later." - Syd O
· "May I Take Your New World Order?" - jason daniel
· "Michelin Should Have Never Named it the Red Guide" - Fes
· "Public-School Geography Teachers Do Lunch." - Doctor Whom
· "Sum Dim People Think So" - Constant Irritant
Click here to see the new Headline Contest