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October 2006 Archives
But the Australians Stay Where They Are
Latina: Are you ready to de-colonize Columbus Day?
White boy: Hell yes! Honey, I'd de-colonize America and Israel for you.
--116th St
Gallagher's Later Work Is a Lot More Thoughtful
Hipster chick: So you're saying don't hate avocados?
Hipster guy: No, no. I don't hate the avocados just for being avocados. I would never smash an avocado. I just want them to make up their minds. They need to decide.
Hipster chick: Good to know.
--San Loco, 2nd Ave
Collect Them All! Trade With Your Friends!
Optometrist #1: So, I went to his myspace to find out who his babymomma was, right? And then he calls me and says I have AIDS.
Optometrist #2: Wait? AIDS? You mean HIV, right?
Optometrist #1: No, AIDS.
Optometrist #2: Well, then I get HIV. You can get AIDS, but I want HIV.
--Roosevelt Optometrists
I Probably Do Have Standards
Girl in stall: I love his tiny Irish Balls. But hey, that guy is pretty cute.
Friend: yeah, I know right. I mean, if he wasn't cute, I wouldn't let him keep grabbing my crotch. right?
--Ladies Room, Red Rock West
Overheard by: Rachel
Find Me One With Naked Everything
Maid of Honor, posing for wedding photos on the steps to the library: How about over there in front of the fountain?
Bride: No. She's got naked boobies.
Maid of Honor: It's art.
--New York Public Library
Overheard by: Jaydubjay
The Road to 18th Street Is Paved with Mixed Intentions
Tourist: Is that train going to 18th street?
New Yorker: Yes.
Doors close.
New Yorker: But you're not.
--Union Square Station, 4/5/6 platform
Overheard by: amused MD
They Say You Can Be Anything You Want, but They Don't Mean It
Teen: I think I wanna be a cameraman when I grow up.
Little girl: I wanna be an armadillo when I grow up.
Teen: You can't be an armadillo when you grow up!
Little girl: Why not?
--40th St & Park
Overheard by: Crysta
At Least about the Mustache
Deaf Malay guy: My friends and I are thinking of making a movie called 'Hitler is Right.'
Deaf gay guy: What was he right about?
Deaf Malay guy: About the Jews. If he had finished what he started, there would be no more Jews and the world would be better.
Deaf gay guy: And we wouldn't exist either.
Deaf Malay guy: Why not?
Deaf gay guy: Because he also killed non-Aryans, homos, and deaf people.
Deaf Malay guy: Really?
Deaf gay guy: Yes.
Deaf Malay guy: Oh. Well, I still think Hitler was right.
--Starbucks, Times Square
And Just Like That, They Formed a Rap Group
Thug: Why you gotta be white and ignorant?
White Girl: Why you gotta be black and belligerent?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bacon
It Never Sleeps, As They Say
Older gentleman: So where is it you're from?
Young lady: California, near San Francisco.
Older gentleman: Ah, the windy city.
--Elevator at Wall St. Plaza
Overheard by: Just a temp
But, No, I'm Not
Hipster girl: I think he wanted to know if you were bisexual.
Hipster boy: Well, I prefer the term hetero-flexible.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Adrienne
She Fell Asleep Watching a Play Within a Play
Woman #1: I was dreaming that I was dreaming that I was awake but wanted to take a nap. So I did and I started dreaming. Then I woke up... but I was still asleep!
Woman #2: Wow.
--13th & University
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Sympathy and A Skillful Segue is the Mark of a Successful Hobo
Columbia student: So I was dealing with all these peptide bonds and it was getting annoyingly complicated.
Hobo: Yo, I hate it when that happens! Got a quarter?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: SlickRicks
That and Your Music, of Course
Yuppie: Today was such an incredible day, I met Richard Branson, and...
Hipster: Who?
Yuppie: Oh, Fabian, that's why I love you so much.
--Broadway & 28th
Get in Line, Buddy
Girl on cell: You don't play with my tits enough! You just go right to it, and avoid the girls! I need some titty action!
Suit on cell, listening: I gotta go, I have to try to pick this girl up. I've never had a better come-on line in my life!
--Duane Reade, Columbus Ave
Overheard by: VERONICA
At the Time It Was Called "Separate but Equal Ed"
Girl: Have you ever realized that we didn't have any black friends in elementary school?
Preppy friend: That's because all the black kids were in special ed.
--Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Rivington St
Overheard by: Lauren C
More Detail Then?
College girl: My friend told me that if you join the Peace Corps, you've got to learn to skin and gut animals. Even if you are a vegetarian!
Redneck guy: I've gutted hundreds of animals.
College girl: I'm morally opposed to gutting animals. I only want to see chicken in Saran Wrap at the grocery store.
Redneck guy: I've gutted about 800 chickens, 200 ducks, 200 deer.
College girl: Please. I don't want to hear about your animal gutting history any more than you want to hear about my sexual history.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Shy
It's All About the Edjamins
Girl #1 on cell: So I freaked out as soon as I saw Ethan and... And... What's his name, Bill?
Girl #2: Ben.
Girl #1 on cell: And Ted.
Girl #2: Ben
Girl #1: Ed.
Girl #2: Ben!
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Ben!
Girl #1 on cell: Well, Henry.
--5th Ave & 16th
Overheard by: in love with jack
Fucking Scoliosis Brace
Girl #1, looking at The L Word: God, I wish I was that girl, and could make out with girls.
Girl #2: Why don't you make out with girls now?
Girl #1: I can't! This body is straight!
--Virgin Megastore, Times Square
Overheard by: Angie
I Hope for More Enthusiasm at Tomorrow's 17th Century Fashion Exhibit
Chic chick #1: Whenever I go to museums with Mike, he always acts like he doesn't give a shit.
Chic chick #2: How so?
Chic chick #1: Like we went to this exhibit on 18th Century English fashion and he was just staring into space the whole time, not saying anything.
Chic chick #2: Weird.
--Clinton & Rivington
Overheard by: The Whyte Lyte
So He's Had 27 Years of Practice with That Violin
NYU chick : Wait, he's 28!
Friend : Yeah, I know. And he's Asian
--Uptown 6 train
Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It
Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.
Headline by: DomCar
Runners-Up:
· "And somewhere, at that moment, a tiny discrimination lawsuit was being filed" - Marc
· "Awwww! Thanks! You said slightly!" - Emily
· "Being sexy isn't necessary when your face if even with most people's crotches" - theVixenNicole
· "Both problems are an unfortunate result of genetics." - Aaron Stephenson
· "But, like, sexily so?" - Tom Dorey
· "By the end of the yellow brick road, the Tin Man was hungry, tired, and BIT-CHY!" - Alissa
· "Comebacks for when you are secretly in love with a midget." - John
· "Happily, I Have a Fetish for Both" - anthony fiore
· "It's Sexy Because It's Like Having Sex With Kids, But They're Legal!" - Bored Beyond Belief
· "She's obviously never seen Wizard of Oz, that is ALL sex appeal" - Kevo
· "Thank God your mom pays me to hang out with you" - tiddlywinks
· "The Sexy Midget Union, recognizing retardation as a handicap, will not sue." - Extra Character
· "The 'My secret is: I'm marrying a dwarf' deodorant ad -- first take" - Amanda
· "There Are Sexy Midgets, You Probably Just Overlooked Them!" - Hobo Whisperer
· "They Prefer the Term "Erotically Challenged Little People"" - Shepcat
· "Yellow fever: Love of Asians. Smallpox: Love of midgets. Down Syndrome: That girl." - erak
· "Yes, but I look good in a teddy AND can reach the top shelf" - Villelen
· "You Don't Need to Be So Short With Me" - Matthew K Johnson
Honorable mentions:
· "But can slightly retarded be sexy?" - Virginia Wood
· "If she were fully retarded, she'd be banging all the unsexy midgets." - AJ
· "So all those internet porn sites are wrong?" - Graz
· "The Sexy Ones Wouldn't Want to Sleep with you Anyway" - Ian
· "The new MMILF: Mental Midgets I'd Like to F***" - Peter Parker
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But I Want You to Do All the Leg Work
Mom: I'm going to Chris' book opening tonight.
Teen son: Is Chris going to be there?
Mom: Yes, of course. Why?
Teen son: Well, tell him I said, 'Hi.' When I grow up, I want to have contacts.
--Doctor's office, Chelsea
Overheard by: Alison
Since Kathie Lee Left, Regis Has Become More Volatile Every Year
Conductor: Next stop, 110th. This one goes to Van Cortlandt.
Tourette's man: I know, you fuck! Stop yelling at me!
--1 train
How Did You Get Past the Doorman?
Club dude: Yeah, but I don't understand why she won't talk to me.
Club dudette: Because she's attractive and you're ugly.
Club dude: Oh, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
--Meatpacking district
Overheard by: Harrison
Apple's Next Anti-PC Marketing Campaign Takes Shape
Office thug #1: Yo, Windows is, like, mad-retarded!
Office thug #2: Say what?
Office thug #1: I said Windows is bullshit, man.
Office thug #2: Man, I been telling you that shit for years. My G5 is way better than whatever computer you got.
Office thug #1: Nigga, my laptop has AIDS!
--52nd St & Madison
'Hey, Big Titty Mama!': Reminiscences of a Life in New York
Girl #1: Somebody in a limo yelled something obscene at me today, but I couldn't hear them because I had my iPod on.
Girl #2: Yeah, you should always have your iPod on so you can't hear the terrible things people shout at you.
Girl #1: But then I wouldn't have any material for my memoirs!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overheard by: Monia Paford
The Question, Then, Is Why Did You Want to Fuck Margot Kidder?
Ghetto guy #1: Yo, man, phone your mom.
Ghetto guy #2: Yeah, hurry up, we about to go in the tunnel.
Ghetto guy #3: Yo, I'm Superman, nigga. I can do whatever I want.
--1 train, 125th St
NewsFlash: Gay Man Shocked That Straight People Have Anonymous Sex!
College girl: I think I'm going to have sex with him.
Queer: Really? Why?
College girl: Because I'm 20.
Queer: What's his name?
College girl: Ummm...
Queer: Nice, real nice. You're a class act.
College girl: I still have at least three years before I have to worry about being classy.
--X10 express bus
She's Just an Enthusiastic Lesbian
Old woman cheering for President Bush's passing caravan: Viva Bush! Viva Bush!
Younger woman: Well, at least one out of a million New Yorkers ain't bad.
--50th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: ~emily
It's at Least Partly about the Pussy
Yuppie guy: Chris, it's not all about the money.
Group of yuppies: Hahaha!
--Wall St deli
Overheard by: melanie
The Greatest Bronx Tale Ever Told
Physician #1: Hey, if you want, there's gonna be a meeting on the night of the 16th.
Physician #2: I can't. I'll be in the Holy Land that week.
Physician #1: You're gonna be in the Bronx?
--North Shore Hospital
Overheard by: Nik G
It's the Foundation of Janeane Garofalo's Stand-up Act
Hobo: I'm tired of your bullshit.
Girl: Me, too.
--E 14th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Angie
Arguing about Public Policy Is Normal for Rednecks Since Carville
Chick: Wait, so he was the black dude from Tennessee on the debate team that you were talking to?
Dude: Yeah. Well, no. He was normal.
Chick: What do you mean?
Dude: He was white.
--Soho
Overheard by: drunk at the bar
Living with Korsakov's
Girl #1: That's pretty much illegal or something.
Girl #2: They're not really related, and she told her dad and he's cool with it.
Girl #1: Oooh, do you wanna get some ice cream?
--M96 bus
Yeah, Sure, Whatever. It's My Turn to Bring Them to Work
Customer: I'll take four glazed, and you pick the others.
Donut guy: So, fill up the rest with stale ones?
--Dunkin Donuts, Chambers & Church
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
When Unpleasant Topics Arise, a Lady Adroitly Redirects the Conversation
Frat boy #1: Remember that pussy I was hittin' a few weeks ago?
Frat boy #2: Yeah.
Frat boy #1: She's in a coma now.
Frat boy #2's girlfriend: That reminds me of that Smiths song, 'Girlfriend in a Coma.' Have you ever heard it?
--Virgin Megastore
Did I Say Rats? I Meant Husbands
Elderly woman: Do you know where the rat killer is?
Younger customer: I am not sure they carry that here. You should speak to a clerk
Elderly woman: A lot of people with pet rats don't want them anymore.
--PetCo, Kips Bay
Overheard by: Glad I Have Dogs
The Terms of His Parole Require All the Residents of Manhattan to Hit Him
Hispanic thug #1: You have to hit a kid to teach him respect.
Hispanic thug #2: That doesn't work
Hispanic thug #1: Sure it does, remember when I stole that stuff when I was younger and dad hit me? That taught me the respect that I needed not to steal
Hispanic thug #2: You still steal.
Hispanic thug #1: Yeah, but not from my family.
--Downtown 4
Mr Keebler Finally Hit His Growth Spurt
Little Spanish kid: Hey you big cracker!
Tall White guy: Oh, hey.
--Troutman & Irving, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Peter
It Depends How You Take It
Columbia coed #1: Does this have, like, a ton of caffeine in it?
Columbia coed #2: That's milk.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: applying elsewhere
Thank You, Mr. Stonerson--Come Again
Customer: You know what would be cool? If you guys, like, wore Tibetan monk outfits while you did that. That'd be cool.
Cupcake store employee: Ummmm...
--Rivington & Essex
But Nicole Richie? Her, I Take Credit For
Newpaper man: Get your free Daily News! Find out why Whitney Houston is back on crack! What? It's true! It ain't my fault. I ain't sell it to her.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Allisa
...But Not Really
Girl: When I look back on my life, I'm not going to think about trips I went on or relationships I had, I'll be thinking about television programs I watched.
Guy: That's horrible!
Girl: Well I was only kidding!
--86th and Lex
Damn It, Do I Have to Clean up and Get a Job to Prove You Wrong?
Hobo: Never give up! Don't you ever give up!
Teen: But why even try? Everyone loses in the end!
--St. Marks Place
Penn Really Is Mean to Teller in Public
Man #1: High Street? Oh man, we're back in Brooklyn....
Man #2: Ummm, we never left Brooklyn. The next stop is in Manhattan.
Man #2: Do you see that young man over there? Do you want his first life lesson to be me whuppin' yo' ass?
--Manhattan bound A train
But I'd Eat Out Jack Black's Ass for the Pastrami at Katz's
Deli girl: So is that your girlfriend?
Guy : No, just a roommate.
Deli girl: What about that other girl you were in here with last week, the other blonde one?
Guy : Nope, just a friend.
Deli girl: And that brunette that came in with you the other day?
Guy : I'm actually gay.
Guy to roommate: Dude, did you see that? That girl is fucking stalking me, she knows every girl I come in here with. I had to tell her I was gay so she would stop with the questions.
Roommate: Why didn't you just tell her Jess was your girlfriend?
Guy : Cuz the way she was grilling me, I would've had to bring Jess in here and make out with her in front of this psycho to make her believe me.
Roommate: Right, so now all you have to is bring a guy in here and make out with him.
Guy: I'm not sure the sandwiches in here are worth that.
--Deli, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Don't think I'll be going back there
Schrodinger: I'll Take It! It's for My Cat
Woman: Will this skirt shrink in the dryer?
Saleswoman: I don't know if it'll shrink. My friend said that in her experience it probably won't. But sometimes it does. It depends. There's no way to know. It either will, or it won't.
--Macy's
Overheard by: SDP
You Mean I'm One of Those Assholes?
Guy #1: So we went to a baptism yesterday.
Guy #2: Wait, you're Catholic. Not Baptism. I'm Baptism.
Guy #1: You're Baptist.
--Times Square
Oh, Blow Pop! Sorry About Your Reputation, Savannah
Teen girl #1: Guess what? Savannah gave Zach a blow job!
Teen girl #2: Huh?
Teen girl #1: I don't know what it is either, but that's what people are saying.
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Overheard by: Charly
Eazy E is Spinning in His Grave
Ghetto girl #1: Yo, I been to a lot of ghettos and shit, but I ain't never goin' to Compton.
Ghetto girl #2: Mhm. Word, yo.
Suit: NWA, yo. Straight outta Compton!
--6 train, Hunter College station
Overheard by: not going to compton anytime soon
And Even If It Is a Wig and a Corset, That Last is Tough to Pass Up
Young queer #1: I can't believe you like going to this leather bar. The guys here are so scary.
Young queer #2: Not all of them. There are a few gems with all their hair, no visible gut and a strong immune system.
--Eagle, Chelsea
Remember, Nothing Is as Nice as Thin
Little boy: She was nice
Snobby mother: Yeah... but she was too fat.
--79th & Amsterdam
Why Is This Girl Riding the Subway?
JAP: Oh my god, I can't wait to move into the city. I can't take my house anymore, my parents are always up my ass. Gabby, what time will you be home? Gabby, don't forget to tell Rosa to pick up your dry cleaning! Gabby, we're paying your tuition, you can't treat this house like a hotel! It's so annoying! I just wanna be on my own, I can take care of myself, I don't need them constantly doing stuff for me!
Friend: Yeah... So where were you thinking of moving?
JAP: I dunno, my dad said he might let me move into his apartment on 89th. Either that, or a partner at his firm is selling a co-op that he might buy for me. He said I can choose.
--Uptown W train
So There's no Way to Be Sure
Hipster #1: What's up with her? Is she a Lesbian?
Hipster #2: Well, she is Canadian.
--The Mountain Goats Show, Europa, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Becca
That's Billy Graham's Job
Blonde: I want a baby.
Brunette: You can't have a baby yet.
Blonde: Why?
Brunette: You just can't!
Blonde: What do you mean 'I just can't'? You're not the ruler of my vagina!
--Stuy Town
Especially with all the Stains on my Clothes
Guy #1: We could go by Mike's
Guy #2: Which Mike? Fun Mike or Shitty Mike?
Guy #1: I always forget which one is which with you.
Guy #1: Fun Mike always pays for everything... Shitty Mike always has no money and throws up.
Guy #2: You'd think I could keep that straight.
--Bloomingdale's, 60th & 3rd Ave
Too Many Viewings Of 'Ringu'
8-year-old-kid #1: Hey, do you guys have a page on MySpace?
8-year-old-kid #2: Naw, I've never been to MySpace.
8-year-old-kid #3: Yeah, that's how kids die! They go to MySpace and they die!
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: Emily Jean
Irresistable Force Versus Immovable Object, Manhattan Style
Guy: Excuse me, miss. Excuse me. Excuse me! Woman, move!
Girl: Dude, I'm not a tourist.
Guy: Oh. Sorry.
--59th St & Lex
Ginny Weasley: I Saw Him First, Bitch!
Ghetto girl #1: What, the actor?
Ghetto girl #2: Fuck the movie, I'm talking about the book. I love Harry Potter and if there's someone like him, I wanna date him.
--Jamaica, Queens
Overheard by: Shane
Because We Can't Afford any More Retrovirals for the Puppies
Man: You guys got syringes? You need syringes? Cause I have a shit ton of syringes at home and I could bring them in.
PetCo employee: Are they used?
--PetCo, Union Square
Overheard by: Dustin
Afternoons I Reserve For Quiet Reflection and Chewing Peyote
20-something daughter: Mom, don't you think it's inappropriate to be drinking gin and tonics everyday before noon?
Mom: Oh, it's ok. I only drink in the mornings.
--Central Park
Would You Like to Be One of My Wives?
Skank: So, being Mormon, you don't have premarital sex right?
Mormon: Yeah, basically.
Skank: Oh...Nice talkin' to ya.
Mormon's friend: Wait! Come back!
--Libation, Ludlow & Rivington
He'll Stick the Needles in the Doll When he Gets Back to his Cardboard box
Hobo: Give me a dollar or I'll curse you!
Tourist: No. Get a job.
Hobo: Fuck you! There, I cursed you.
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: Deb
But Now It's a Box of Parts on Their Way to Mexico
Cop, taking report of stolen car: Ok, what was the color, make and model?
Metro Guy: It's cranberry and...
Cop: Cranberry's something you eat, son, your car was red.
--L.I.C.
Overheard by: Jatmos
She Had to Have Been Around Three-Months-Old When I Stole Her from That Playground
Woman: I need to pick up my child from daycare, where would she be?
Security guard: What age group?
Woman: I think she's one.
--Rockefeller Plaza
And I'm Gonna Tell Dick You Said That
White boy #1: I only like to watch girl-on-girl.
White boy #2: What? You don't like dick in your porn? That's fucking gay.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jesse
This Also Works on Her Alarm Clock
Chick: We missed our stop.
Guy: You slept right through it.
Chick: Why didn't you wake me up?
Guy: I tried, you wouldn't wake up. You just showed me your pussy.
Chick: That sounds like me.
--N train
Overheard by: shewuzshaved
But How Many Knives Was He Holding?
Girl #1: And then there was the stabbing.
Guy: Whaaa?
Girl #1: She stabbed a cab driver.
Girl #2: Well, he started it!
--Cafe Mogador, St. Marks Place
Overheard by: Eric
Yeah But She Can Only Give You an I or a Y
Employee #1: Hey, look at this picture.
Employee #2: Yeah, she never would have made cheerleader if she had two legs.
Headline by: azione
Runners-Up:
· "Amputation is the New Anorexia" - Amanda
· "And they want to take away affirmative action?" - Holly G
· "But I'd Still TOTALLY Bang Her" - Jason
· "But her talent is obvious..." - fuel
· "Come on, Eileen" - Parker
· "Four legs good, two legs bad!" - Zomzom
· "From the McCartney - Mills Divorce Files" - Gimpy La Rue
· "How to lose those extra pounds to make the squad: amputation" - Sean McGurr
· "Kids will do anything to make the team" - Spin
· "Or a head." - Jeremiah Lewis
· "Playing the amputee card" - Mandaliet
· "She'd still be a virgin now too" - Sarah
· "Title IX didn't say they had to actually do the routines." - CityGirl
· "Tryouts were tough for the Special Olympics cheer squad." - John
· "We call her Tripod Betty" - Wendy
· "When Affirmative action goes too far" - Marv in DC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Every Woman in the Developing World Begs to Differ
Little girl: So if I don't take the pill, will I have to have a thousand babies?
Mom: No, that's not how it works.
--Columbia University
You Know, Padded Walls?
Obese white trash wife in housewares aisle: If we had a real house, I'd decorate it like crazy.
Obese white trash husband: Yeah...
--Target
Ok, That's My New Worst Fear Too
Girl #1: My worst fear is falling on a picket fence or getting eaten by a shark.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, well my worst fear is someone pushing me forward onto a blackboard and having my teeth scrape down the front. That would be awful.
--Grand Central Station
No Thanks, I Was a Bitch at the Office
Hobo: Spare some change?
Woman: Sorry, I don't like homeless people.
--96th St & Broadway
Our Product Regrew Wednesday One-Liners in Four Out of Five Users
Straight guy: I need to change my hair. Four out of five girls with that bachelorette party last night thought I was gay.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Phil
Guy: Listen, it's not hair replacement. It's a system.
--Sterling & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: A White Bear
White guy: Yeah, and I ripped out her weave.. it was awesome!
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Amelia D
Hobo: All Democrats must have pink hair, by mandate of the homeless Republican!
--12th & 6th
Overheard by: theNJl
Ghetto girl: She wanted to charge me $400 for my hair. She was gonna charge me by the pound! Who charges for hair by the pound? I could get my homegirl to do it for $20. Never buy your hair from someone in the 'hood!
--5 train, 125th St
Overheard by: La Liz
Bald queer: Oh, now I have to do my hair again. It's so difficult to keep my hands out of it!
--Elevator, 1250 Broadway
Wednesday-One-Liners Call 'Fowl'
Guy: He's really cool as Chickenhawks go.
--E 15th St, near Stuyvesant Park
Preppy girl: Oh my god, this salad is bangin', but it needs chicken. I need some motherfuckin' chicken on my motherfuckin' salad!
--McDonald's, Broadway
Mother to daughter: Stand over here. Birds be shittin'.
--Near Penn Station
Overheard by: Checking for pigeons
Guy, looking at man walking duck on leash: That's just like the duck I used to have!
--Central Park
Man, scared by parrot's loud screech : What the fuck was that? A duck?
--86th St & 2nd Ave
Man: If I was homeless, I would totally get a big trash bag and stuff it with pigeon feathers. It would be like a big down comforter.
--9th St & 1st Ave
Hipster girl: I know. Pigeon shit and Clorox! If I'm not dead next week it will be a miracle!
--St. Marks & 1st Ave
Overheard by: off white
One, Two, Three, Four, Get Your Wednesday-One-Liners on the Floor
Crackhead to French girls: This side of the station is for crackheads only. You are in violation of code 113, this area is reserved for crackheads only. So move now.
--110th St Train Station
Film man: Gimme five minutes and I'll give you my left nut.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: S&J
Suit on cell: You hooked up with a 300-pound girl?
--14th & 3rd Ave
Mexican guy: You look like 50 Cent. But in Mexico, your name would be 50 Pesos.
--Caliente Cab Restaurant , 488 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Mon
Thug: My wife hit me up for fitty bucks, and then my girl hit me up for another fitty bucks, and now I'm all tapped out.
--7 Train
Overheard by: Juliet
Conductor: Come on people! You were born with two eyes. If you would just use them to see that there are three different doors to the train, you would know that you're holding people up trying to go home! Use your eyes and head and go in another door that people aren't trying to get out of...Use the head people...Use the head!
--1 Train
Overheard by: megan
Econ major: So is that quadrillion as in past trillion?
--Classroom, NYU
Holy Wednesay-One-Liners, Batman!
Little boy, hearing loud explosion: Jesus Christ!
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: Farley
Suit to girlfriend: Are you mad at Jesus?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Matt
Girl, pointing to eyebrow ring: I receive God through this hole in my eye!
--Financier Patisserie, Stone St
Overheard by: Gen
Teen girl: Yeah, so I was about to go down on him, and I got smacked in the face with Jesus. It was so not hot.
--Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: Lotte
Black man: Free Post! Free Post! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last! Free Post!
--34th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: jackattack
JAP: When I told my mom I didn't want to fast today she said 'That's ok, no one said you had to' and I said 'Ummm, I think God did.'
--33rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: ak
Man to cop: Can't you do nuthin' about those damn Jehovah's Nitwits?
--Grand Central
Wednesday-One-Liners Get a Pacific Rim Job
Skinny Asian man to large black woman: You too fat!
--4 train
Overheard by: LP
Cultured concert connoisseur: I think this girl was from California. She spoke Asian and Spanish.
--Webster Hall
Overheard by: ak
Hipster, sitting next to Asian women: Awesome. Asians have tiny asses!
--R train, Canal St
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
Hipster chick: Asians eat the darndest things.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: Lesley
Asian fag hag: Of course it doesn't sound right! I'm a girl doing gay porn!
--West Village
Overheard by: megan
Asian woman suit: I'm really just tired of being a mobster.
--Wall St & Nassau
Hobo lady to Asian-looking girl: If I speak in your language, will you give me some money? Heeeyyyaaah! Karate chop!
--44th St & Lex
Overheard by: Made my morning
Please Clean up After Your Wednesday-One-Liners
Cokehead to small dog: You piss me off.
--St Marks Place
Overheard by: Murray
Woman to her dog: What the hell are you doing?
--Fairway Market, W 74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Megan Ingraham
Little boy to pigeon walking behind him: Stop it!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Will
Creepy old guy to dog: Yeah, yeah. Smell me. Smell me.
--Stairwell of apartment building, W 105th St
Overheard by: inge
Man to his dog butt-sniffing dog: Don't do that! I told you not to do that! This is why you don't have any friends!
--117th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: robin b
Woman to yapping pooch: Shakespeare, we've talked about this!
--72nd St & York
WASP to dog: You're not going to get cheese on your fries if you don't stop misbehaving right now!
--Shake Shack, 23rd St & Madison
Overheard by: Matt C
Assault and Wednesday-One-Liners
Father-of-the-year: My son. He came home with a swollen eye. I asked him why and he said another boy hit him. I asked him if he hit him back and he said, 'No.' I asked him why and he said, 'Because that would hurt him.' So I said, 'He's hurting you, isn't he?' So I told him to hit him back. That's how the world is. Do you think when he starts going to school he'll catch on?
--53rd & 6th
Hard hat meathead: Hey man, I haven't seen you since that time you hit that guy in the face with a wrench!
--LIRR - Long Beach to Penn Station
Evander Childs graduate: Oh, you went to Spellman? I think I beat up a kid from Spellman.
--125th & Lenox
Angry man on cell: Tell her that if she walks in the wrong direction again, I am going to punch her in the fucking face!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Marissa
Guy: Dude, I've totally had girls ask me to give them bloody noses before sex.
--5th St between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: MMS
Girl: There were these spiders on her so the guy she was with gave her a good beating all over.
--1 train
Overheard by: arachnophile
Don't Hate Wednesday, Hate the One-Liners
Guy with headphones to passerby in the rain: I hate that umbrella! I'm gonna break that umbrella! I'm gonna knock that umbrella out of your hands!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Letting go of the umbrella
Teen boy to another teen boy: I really hate my mom because she grounds me all the time, that's why I got grounded.
--B44 bus, Nostrand Ave & Ave Y
Overheard by: o_O
JAP: And so he was like, 'Wanna go make out?' and I was like, 'Okay,' so we did and that was fun or whatever, but I don't know... We don't actually like each other at all, we really can't stand each other.
--The Tea Lounge, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: mortalfool411
Black female after being insulted by a Black male clerk in a store: I hate Black people.
--Graham Avenue, Brooklyn
Suit: Fuckin' guy, that fuckin' attorney. I hate him. I hate 'em all. Myself too, I shouldn't have gone to law school. He probably hates himself, unless he's too fuckin' stupid to regret it. We're all a bunch of miserable self-loathing fucks, nobody likes attorneys.
--J & R, Park Row
Crazy yelling bitch: He's a hater, I'm telling you he's a fucking hater! What? No I fucking hate him.
--33rd & 8th
Overheard by: devila
Girl on cell: What? With pills? Why'd he do that? Because everyone hates him?
--62nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Ralph
Wednesday-One-Liners Pledge Allegiance to the Vag
Hipster girl: I don't want to do that to my vagina! I want my vagina to smell like va-gi-na! Who would do that to their vagina?
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Edward Dandelions
Crazy ranting dreddy guy: Respect the vagina!
--St. Marks & 2nd
Hipster Girl: After sex with him, I like, hydrogen peroxided my vagina.
--1st Ave & 9th St
Angry man on cell: No, we weren't fighting last night, I ate your pussy!
--C Train
Overheard by: Ada
Girl: So he was like, 'How was your vacation' and I was like, 'My vagina's sore.'
--Coffee Shop, Union Square
Guy on cell: Put your head between your legs and suck your twat.
--19th St
Overheard by: Gross
Boyfriend to girlfriend: Wait, that's the vajayjay?
--Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport
Wednesday-One-Liners Cope with At-Will Employment
Kid, to Clown dancing to 'Hey Ya!' in the bleachers: Get a job!
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: thinks the clown is unemployed too
Guy on cell: You're fired! You're fired, ok? Ok? Ok, see you later, then.
--33rd & 6th
Hobo to well-endowed girl on the street: Damn girl! I wish I met you when I had a job!
--54th & 9th Ave.
Overheard by: Jasmine
Bimbette: The boss says I am too bubbly, too nice and it's really freaking out the customers.
--72nd & Broadway
Suit on cell: I know she looks like she can fit your cock in her mouth, but aren't you looking for a secretary?
--Wanamaker & 4th Ave
Young woman on cell: I wish Jesus would just come down and be like, 'You're gonna get the job.'
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: The Ficus
Customer: I have half a mind to come back here when the bitch gets off work... Whatever her life sucks, she works at Wendy's.
--Wendy's, 14th & 5th
Overheard by: Devon
This is Wednesday-One-Liners' Stop
Man boarding bus to driver: You better not go flippin' this bitch over!
--Fung Wah Bus, Chinatown
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Young mom: No! I will sit down! You're a kid, you don't even have to pay to ride the bus. I did, so I'm sitting! Move!
--M60 Bus
Bus driver: Everyone get on the bus, I got a schedule. For those of you sneaking on in the back, can you at least do it fast? I've got places to be.
--B45 Bus
Overheard by: Robin M.
Driver of a Chinatown bus : Does anyone know how to get out of the city?
--Broadway
Wednesday-One-Liners Will Be Held in the Station Momentarily...Thank You for Your Patience
Conductor: There are seats towards the back of the train.
Keep walking! Sometime today, people. What did you stop for? Keeeep walking!
--Train to Grand Central
Overheard by: Muffin
Conductor: Where's the other guy? Raj, if you can hear me, you can come pick up your My Little Pony from the booth.
--LIRR, Hempstead station
Subway station announcement: Because of an earlier incident, all trains are now running.
--Union Square Station
Overheard by: E Moran
Conductor: This is 36th Street. Step to the side and let all the monkeys off the train. Let the monkeys off the train.
--Queens bound N train
Conductor: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an extremely crowded F train. Next stop is Jay Street, and by this time it's official, every person in New York is on this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors, if you can.
--Coney Island bound F train
Overheard by: F Train Sloper
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is 59th Street. And if you haven't voted and are thinking of voting for Bush, please see the movie Fahrenheit 9/11. Thank you. Stand clear of the closing doors.
--4 Train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Jonny
Conductor: You have yourself a satisfying Thursday.
--F train
I'm Really Wet, I Know that Much
Frat boy: So are you gonna come out drinking tonight?
College girl: Uh no, I haven't been feeling so well, I'm allergic to rain I think.
Frat boy: Ummm, it's not raining.
College girl: Yeah, it must have been earlier or something.
--17th & 3rd
But With Some Curtains, a Fresh Coat of Paint...
Tourist: Wow, it's like a whole underground city thing here!
Local: I dont know any freaks who would want to live in a city like this.
--Times Square subway station
Overheard by: LSB
Rikers Is Easier to Escape During Rush Hour
Wangsta #1: When you get back from the Island?
Wangsta #2: I tole you, I wasn't at Riker's! That's Rasheed!
Wangsta #1: Fool, I'm talking about Long Island, not Rikers!
Wangsta #2: Oh, Thursday.
--R train
Overheard by: Jonster
Very slowly
Guy: So she got hit by a rickshaw.
Girl: How on earth do you get hit by a rickshaw?
Guy: I don't know, she just did.
--LIRR train
Overheard by: vm
Times Were Tough for Fezzik After the Flash in the pan of 'The Princess Bride'
Fat bouncer #1: Where the fuck is there a bagel store around here?
Fat bouncer #2: Umm... Bagels are delicious. Hey, maybe they have knishes. That rhymed!
Fat bouncer #1: You make no fucking sense.
--The Knitting Factory
Overheard by: hjane
Now, Just Sign this Confession, and We Can Get the Plea-Bargain Started
Ghetto guy #1: Where were you?
Ghetto guy #2: I had to go sign some autographs.
--Marillac Hall, St. John's University
See? Saw!
Mother, pointing to a woman playing the musical saw: She is singing!
Son: No, She's playing the saw.
Mother: There is an orchestra playing!
Son: It is a tape.
Mother: And she is singing?
Son. No. She is sawing.
Mother: What did you say?
Son: Go, have a look.
Mother: .......
Son: And?
Mother: It's like singing.
Son: That's it, the saw.
Mother: What a nice voice she has!
Son: She is not singing. It's the saw that's singing.
Mother: No way... She is singing into the saw?
Son: No, no singing. Just sawing.
Mother: But she is opening her mouth.
Son: She is breathing.
Mother: Are you sure she is not singing?
--Union Square subway station
I Meant Nowhere White People Would Want to Go
Blond Tourist Bimbo: I've never even heard of the G Train.
Blond Local Bimbo: Yeah, it's a ghetto train.
Blond Tourist Bimbo: Where does it go?
Blond Local Bimbo: Nowhere.
Black eight-year-old boy: Except my home, bitch.
--G train Hoyt/Schermerhorn station
Overheard by: Ian Robertson
And He Ate Them with 'Fancy' Ketchup!
Woman #1: All I'm saying is he had three meats today.
Woman #2: He had three meats?
Woman #1: Three meats! And he don't even have a job!
--147th & 7th
Overheard by: Fogeltrain
You Can Lead a Ghetto Girl to the Gap, But You Can't Make Her Ass Fit into the Pants
Ghetto girl #1: My boyfriend, he's ghetto, you know.
Ghetto girl #2: Ghetto how, like ghetto 'Can't bring him to a work function ghetto,' or 'Ghetto, can't bring home to mama ghetto'?
Ghetto girl #1: Definitely 'Can't bring him to a work function ghetto...' And 'I can't bring him to mama ghetto.'
Ghetto girl #2: Yeah, he's ghetto.
Ghetto girl #1: Yeah, but we are too.
Ghetto girl #2: No we're not! Hey, where are you going, we were supposed to go into the Gap.
--34th & Broadway
Overheard by: kate
And After my Second Set, I Start to Bleed Out
Bartender: Tonight I'll be dancing on the bar every three hours. I normally dance every hour but I had an abortion yesterday.
Drinker: Oh.
--48th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: drunkberserker
I Coulda Stayed in Dubuque and Been Propositioned
Sketchy Guy in trenchcoat: Hey, you ladies want some juice?
Girl #1: Oh my god! He just tried to sell me drugs! One day in New York, and some guy tries to sell me drugs. This is awesome!!
Girl #2: Baby, I think he's coming on to you.
Girl #1: Oh, you sick bastard!
--43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Angie
All the Streets Look Alike to Me
Asian girl #1: Where exactly in Chinatown are we going?
Asian girl #2: I have no clue.
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: lauren
More Americans Get Their Delusions from ABC News Than from any Other Source
Woman: I used to be delusional.
Friend: What was happening, were you medicated?
Woman: Oh yes, I had to be severely medicated. I thought I was going to marry Peter Jennings.
Friend: Was it hard for you when he died?
Woman: Actually, I was selfishly happy because I didn't have to worry about having delusions about him anymore.
--W 105th St & Amsterdam Ave
So Mom Required her to Contemplate the Year's Mistakes
Black 10-year-old girl: Mommy! Mommy! Can I get some ice cream?
Ghetto mom: I ain't gettin' you no ice cream. Ain't no holiday.
Black 10-year-old girl: Is so! It's the Jewish New Year!
--11th St & Ave C
It's my turn! I Paid for Half of her Time!
Little boy in stall: Mmeeaahaaaaeeah!
Slightly older boy outside stall: Stop it!
Little boy in stall: Boobies!! Boobies!! Boobies!! Boobies!!
--Bathroom, Bruno, E 58th St
Overheard by: I'll have what he's having.
C'mon, That Shit Was Weaker Than What We Snorted at Frank's Funeral
Dude #1: It's not like you did anything for me...
Dude #2: I brought the cocaine... I brought cocaine for you at my engagement party!
--Rumsey Field, Central Park
Overheard by: Jet Black
I Got the GPS Upgrade
Girl #1: You look nice with curled hair!
Girl #2: Thank you!
Girl #1: You have the nice curls, not the ones that don't know where they're going.
--Baruch College
Overheard by: joann
He Won his Brain in a Lottery too
Guy #1, waiting for the Wicked ticket lottery: What happens if we both win two sets of tickets?
Guy #2: Ummm. Then we resell them.
Guy #1: I thought you couldn't do that.
Guy #2: Only if you sell them for more than they're worth. So we could sell these for $25 each.
Guy #1: Or we could give them away.
Guy #2: You do realize we're paying $25 each, don't you?
Guy #1: Uh... we are?
--Outside the Gershwin Theatre
Overheard by: did not win tickets
The Glass Is Half Full and Half AIDS
Dude #1: If I was the last man on earth, I would die of exhaustion from banging too much!
Dude #2: If I was the last man on earth, I'd die of AIDS from banging too much.--Battery ParkOverheard by: Rich
Headline by: Syd O
Runners-Up:
· "And his guidance counselor said he wasn't goal oriented..." - Marc
· "Apparently the apocalypse is a lot like New York in the 80s." - julian
· "But as long as there's even one other man left, they're both safe" - Not buying it
· "Either Way, He'd Be Fucked!" - Hobo Whisperer
· "How is that any different then now." - Kaleena
· "If you were the last man on earth, we'd all be lesbians" - Tam
· "If I'm goin' everyone else is coming with me" - Botticus
· "If you were the last man on earth, I'd die from banging my head against a wall" - Becky
· "It's a catch simplex 2." - Vin
· "Oh yeah? If I were the last man on Earth, I'd die of whatever killed the other guys!" - Chris
· "Only After All the Batteries Are Gone" - Lush
· "The Planet Of All Women Drivers, I Know How I Would Die" - berger inferno
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Remember That Hipster who Referred to MySpace as 'Friendster but for Artists'?
Hispanic teen #1: Oh my God girl! You're such a fucking bitch!
Hispanic teen #2: Pshaa... Nigga please, I got like 300 friends on MySpace and you only got like 100, bitch.
Hispanic teen #1: At least I didn't sleep with all my 300 friends.
Hispanic teen #2: You are so off my top 14.
Hispanic teen #1: You aren't even on mine, so I dont give a shit.
Hispanic teen #2: Bitch
--Union Square
Overheard by: Bryan
A Rhesus Monkey is Really Not a Good Pet
Mother: I don't want you playing with that! It's too big for you!
Son: I'm gonna spank it if I want to!
--Goodwill, 23rd St
Overheard by: Lady
Cause If I Don't Make Quota This Month, the Yakuza Will Have My Thumbs
Overeager sales associate: Welcome to American Eagle! Can I help you find anything?
Guy: No thanks, just looking.
Overeager sales associate: Hey, you know what would really look good on you?
Guy: What?
Overeager sales associate: Jeans!
Guy: Uh... I guess I like jeans.
Overeager sales associate: That's music to my ears!
--American Eagle, Union Square
Overheard by: doubeldee
It's Hard to Explain Pony Play to Literalists
Girl #1: So I felt really bad for him because he's 53 years old and just got fired from the one job he knows how to do. But then he got that horse and his life turned around.
Girl #2: I know, he has a large studio in Soho so it has plenty of room to run around, and now he no longer has to ride in cabs or subways.
Girl #1: Yeah. I should get a horse too.
--Union Square & 16th St
But You Just Said You Were Pregnant on the F Train Two Minutes Ago
Woman #1: Excuse me...You know, you really shouldn't smoke when you're pregnant.
Woman #2: I'm not pregnant.
Woman #1: Oh well uh, carry on then.
--Park & 32nd St
Overheard by: SUSAN
Mel Gibson: 'None of That Actually Happened.'
Old drunk guy: You guys know anything about health and nutrition?
Guy: Clearly not, as we're drinking beer.
Old drunk guy: Oh... Good point. Well, this may be weird, but remember the Holocaust? Yeah, the Germans found out that the best diets are when you eat the same thing that you're made of. You know... They learned this because, you know, they would feed families to one another but nobody else realized it. This is why it's good to eat red meat. Yeah, pretty crazy huh? Ok, bye.
Guy: Yikes.
--Ryan's Daughter, 85th & 1St
Overheard by: Greg
The Ones From the Former Eastern Bloc Are Just Average
Queer: He's really smart. I'm really smart. It's good, it works out. I think smart people should be sleeping together, it's the natural way.
Woman: You guys could have smart kids!
Queer: Uh, I hate to be the one to tell you, but that's not the way it works.
Woman: ...from China!
--Franklin St & Freeman St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Got any Doritos?
Barista girl: Here's your cappuccino.
Customer girl: I asked for a cafe au lait.
Barista girl: No, you said 'cappuccino.'
Costumer girl: No, I said 'cafe au lait'
Barista girl: Oh, You're right. I'm probably just out of it.
Barista girl to coworker: I'm sorry, I'm high.
--Stanton & Ludlow
Overheard by: Aryn
At the Anarchist Physicist Convention
Hobo #1: It's the motherfucking Law of Thermodynamics.
Hobo #2: Fuck you.
--57th & Lex
Overheard by: Ray Kugler
Now I Have her Happy Ass to Hate
Loud lady #1: My daughter is so happy, I mean she is just so happy! I look at her and I think, 'Who is this happy person?'
Loud lady #2: That's because she knows she is loved...
Loud lady #3: When I was her age I was writing in my diary, 'I hate myself I wish I was dead.'
--53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: on my honeymoon
She's the Star of Vivid Video's 'Catalina's Burning Nipples'
Girl: Y'know Catalina who works upstairs? The one with the really big breasts? Whenever it's a customer's birthday, she pulls her shirt down, attaches matches to her nipples and lights the cake with them while singing, 'Happy Birthday.'
Guy: Are her nipples made of wood or something?
Girl: I don't know. All I know is when I turn around, they're on fire!
--Uptown N, 23rd St
Overheard by: Jatmos
Think They Have Italian Food?
Girl #1: Do you think there are more places to eat this way or that way?
Cop: Well, there are four that way, and two this way, but the better places are this way.
Girl #2: Can you recommend a good place to eat then?
Cop: Uh, there's supposed to be somewhere good on the corner of Spring and Mulberry.
Girl #1: Do you know the name of the place?
Cop: Maybe Lugi's or Lombardi's or something, some woppy Italian name.
--Little Italy
Overheard by: San Gennaro Reveler
You Are So Wrong About Me: I Don't Know Shit About Anything
Guy #1: Aww man, Anna Nicole's son died?
Guy #2: Dude, that happened like a week ago.
Guy #3: Ask him what happened on Dragonball Z last night and I bet he could tell you!
Guy #1: Naw man, I missed it yesterday!
--114th & Broadway
Those who Bootleg History Are Doomed to Profit From It
20-something Chinese guy: You know what? Chinese people discovered America.
20-something Black guy: Bullshit.
20-something Chinese guy: It's true! There's an article on CNN showing we discovered America, there are maps. Chinese were here first before everyone else. Chinese people did everything before everyone else. White people take credit for everything, but now it's coming out that Chinese made all of these discoveries first. Don't you see a pattern? We're the shit.
20-something Black guy: The only pattern I see is that you motherfuckers pirate and resell every DVD, and now you're trying to bootleg history.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
White Folks Hire People to Kill Each Other
Thug #1: Yeah man, there's some fucked up shit going on.
Thug #2: Word son, niggas killin' niggas.
White guy across the car: It's a win-win situation.
--LIRR train to Penn Station from Jamaica
Hot, Well-Dressed Straight Men Are a Dime a Dozen
Queer: Darling, if I were to undergo de-gayifying electroshock therapy, I swear that you would be my first piece of woman to pursue.
Girl: No, never.
Queer: Ummm... And why not?
Girl: Because then you would just be another hot-on-the-street like the rest. Stay gay, I love you that way.
--Midtown
Overheard by: Adrian
Biggie: At Last, Someone Understands my Message!
Big white dyke: You know what we should do? We should call Hugh and all our slutty friends. They could all come over and get drunk, and we'd put on some rap.
Big black dyke: What?
Big white dyke: No, seriously, I was at my friends' party and we put on a Biggie Smalls album. Fifteen minutes later it was the sleaziest party I've ever been to.
--Brooklyn bound Q
Overheard by: Benjamin
Mom's Punctuation Issues Extend to Her Colon
Teen girl: Mom, when did you get your period?
Mom: Don't use that word, call it dot.
--1 train
Dude, Your Mom's Gonna Kill you
Bouncer: Your ID doesn't scan...
Drunk boy: Are you kidding? I paid extra for scanable.
--Mercury Bar
Harlot, 1995-2000: I Was a Team Player Skilled in Oral Communication with Customers
Acting student, performing a scene: You cheated on me! You harlot!
Acting professor: No, no! Now would you say 'harlot?' If someone called me a harlot I'd say 'Oh thank you so much!' You'd say you mother-fucking bitch, you whore, you slut! 'Harlot' sounds beautiful, I'd put it on my resume!
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: team jeffrey
Later, When She Breaks to Take a Crap and Change Her Tampon, He Creams Himself
Female singer: Sorry about the delay. I had to pee, so I went.
Guy in audience: What did she say?
Friend: She had to pee. And she went.
Guy in Audience: Ohhh man. That's awesome.
--Irving Plaza, Starlight Mints show
Mom Used up Her Niceties on the First Few Kids
Small child in stroller: Mommy, why did you wake me up? Don't wake me up when I'm sleeping!
Mom: Fine. I'll leave you on the train and you can miss your stop and then the rats will get you.
--Brooklyn bound Q train
Overheard by: djingo
And His Union Has Never Paralyzed the City
MTA conductor: Hey, get off the train or we're not moving. You can't play here.
Panhandler playing the violin: You're just jealous that I make more than you.
--R Train at 53rd St station
But What I Really Want to Do Is Direct
Opera singer #1: So you gave up the rodeo to join the opera?
Opera singer #2: Yeah.
--Band shell, Central Park
Overheard by: Jason
I Can, I Just Can't Get Them to Pay
Girl: That Susan's such a whore.
Guy: Yeah, but wouldn't you be?
Girl: What?
Guy: You know, hypothetically, if you could get people to sleep with you.
--11th & C
Sure. How Many Houstons Am I Holding Up?
Community college student #1: What stop do we get off at?
Community college student #2: Canal Street
Community college student #1: Is that, like, a number?
--Downtown 2 train
Overheard by: not a community college student
Tonight's Movie: Tippy Hedren in Hitchcock's 'The Restaurants'
20-something male tourist #1: Dude, there are so many restaurants around here.
20-something male tourist #2: Weird.
--46th St between 8th & 9th Ave
One Grade Below F
Ghetto boyfriend: You better shut the fuck up unless you want to get your ass whipped in front of all these White people!
Ghetto girlfriend goes to the next car.
Ghetto boyfriend: But I'm still a G!
--F train
Maybe You Can Do Him With Your Billfold
Queer #1: Oh my god, you work at a hedge fund? How much money do you make and how big is your cock?
Queer #2: Uhh... Eight and two. But I'm not telling you which is which.
--Phoenix, 13th & A
Overheard by: Queer #3
Oh, Dad! We Have Pills For That Now
Girl: So I'm finally going to tell that guy that I like him.
Father: What guy?
Girl: That really hot dude that took me to the prom.
Father: Oh, ok, good.
Girl: But it's going to be really weird cuz this guy could have any woman he wants.
Father: Just hit him over the head, drag him in the house and don't let him leave.
--A train
Overheard by: cave man style
Jeez, You Don't Have to Blow up about It
Very drunk suit: Hey, bartender! Do you know what a car bomb is?
Irish bartender: Yes, it's Spanish for, 'you're an asshole.'
--3rd Ave
They Go in Through the Anus
Girl #1: Wow, you got your nose pierced!
Girl #2: Yeah, I got it yesterday
Girl #1: How did they do it? Gun or needle?
Girl #2: Gun.
Girl #1: Ah ok, how do they fit a gun up there?
--McDonalds
Overheard by: Ness
'Eau de Pork Ribs' Douche Was a Better Idea in Theory Than in Practice
Girl: I smell barbecue!
Guy: Close your legs.
--Queens Center Mall
Overheard by: charninazard
...Sprinkled with Crack
Ana #1: I just did it to jump start my diet.
Ana #2: You smoked crack.
Ana #1: Just for a couple weeks, to lose the initial weight.
Ana #2: And then what did you do?
Ana #1: Now I just eat half an avocado a day.
--Equinox, Greenwich St
But When You Flagellate? Whew!--Better Light a Match.
Teen girl: That is not correct use of that word.
Teen Boy: Yes it is!
Teen Girl: You don't emit a noxious odor when you 'bifurcate'!
--68th and 3rd
And if he Was in him, That Would be Swiss.
Polish girl #1: Was that the Cardinal over there?
Polish girl #2: No. The Cardinal wears red.
Polish guy: Oh man! If the Pope was on top of the Cardinal, that would be so Polish!
Polish girls: ...
Polish guy: No! I mean, like the flag!
--Pulaski Day Parade, 5th Ave & 52nd St
Overheard by: J. G. Lapinski
Conversation on the Six-of-the-Best Train
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: You know, I was scarred by a guy once. It was on a fur rug. With a knife.
Attractive nerd guy: Wow. Real fur?
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: Real knife too. Very 'Kushiel's Dart' sort of moment.
Attractive nerd guy: He must have thought you were pretty special, I mean, what do you have to do to get blood out of fur? I'm guessing it's dryclean only.
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: Anyway that was my first, and only, foray into S&M. After that I stuck to D&D.
-- 6 Train
Overheard by: Scott Gresham
At Least, That's What Thabo Mbeki Tells me
Blonde girl: But he's in a relationship...
Brunette girl: This is how I feel about the whole girlfriend thing. The way I see it, everyone's fair game as long as the girl isn't one of your friends and you don't get too attached. That's really the only problem. Well, that and AIDS... But not many people have aids.
--E train at the World Trade Center station
Overheard by: ginalori
Not Even if I Tied you to a Chair, Sawed Off Your Legs, and Twirled Them Like Batons?
Girlfriend: Will you love me forever and ever?
Boyfriend: Yes, even if you broke up with me and shot me and cut me into little bits and set the bits on fire.
Girlfriend: I would never break up with you.
--Central Park
Actually, I Think That's a Guild Bylaw
Meth addict #1: So... What kind of work you in?
Young woman, holding up name tag which says 'social worker': Social Work.
Meth addict #2: Where do you work?
Young woman: Planned parenthood
Meth addict #1: Shit. Can you find her kid? They got him in foster care.
Young woman: No, sorry. I don't work for child services. Contact your county officials and explain your situation to them.
Meth addict #2: Yeah I don't know where he is at. Can you get him?
Young woman: I work at Planned Parenthood. Sorry.
Meth addict #2: Just 'cause you're pretty you can't treat people like shit.
Young woman: Just because you do drugs doesn't mean you shouldn't brush your teeth.
--Uptown 4 train
How Jared Was Shamed Into Living
Kid on cell: I am about to kill myself because of you!
Hobo in wheelchair: Do it! Do it! You haven't got the balls!
--Prince between Mulberry & Mott
Overheard by: Hashashin
Diamonds are Forever, but Red Lobster is Just one day. Unless you Get food Poisoning
Ghetto girl #1: Yo, he better treat me better than that. I'm talking roses, bling, Red Lobster...
Ghetto girl #2: Girl that's so true, I'm puttin' that on my Myspace.
--Union Square
Overheard by: D. P.S.
It's Funny, That Never Worked for me in College
Hobo #1: I am not celibate!
Hobo #2: Yo, man, get over here!
--3rd Ave & 11th
They do Them on the Team bus
Little boy: Do you play basketball?
Black man: Yes I do.
Little boy: Do you play for the Knicks?
Boy's mom: Yes, professional basketball players spend their time off doing sudoku puzzles on the subway. Let's go.
--Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: Allisa
Well You Did Ask What she Was On
Girl and guy walking, guy gets text message.
Girl: What did she say?
Guy: She said 'K.'
Girl: 'K?'
Guy: Yes 'K'... I spent 30 cents so she can tell me 'K.'
--Target, Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jubilee
For Interns, Diplomatic Immunity Will Only Clear You for Hand Jobs
Hipster #1: So, she comes back to the dorm alone and crying, and we're like 'What happened? Where did that guy go?' And she tells us that he got a ticket from a cop, for getting a blowjob in front of the UN!
Hipster #2: Is that, like, a different thing than getting a blowjob somewhere else?
Hipster #1: Well, he had an internship there or something. Maybe he got a discount!
--Washington Square Park
Susan. She's Single, on the Rebound, and Not Worried About a Little Thing Like Alzheimer's
Guy: I can't believe he's gone. He was such a good man.
Girl: I know, I feel so bad for Susan.
Older woman: I know, poor Susan. He was everything to her.
Older man: I know, what a wonderful guy he was. I remember that party we all went to, he had so much fun. [Whispering to older woman] Who are we here to see again?
--Funeral Home, Queens
Overheard by: Glad I'm not Susan
Abort Playdate! Abort Playdate!
Little girl #1: Guess what my mom told me that your mom told her the other day when we were playing? She had another baby before you and it died!
Little girl #2: No, my mom said that I'm the oldest.
Little girl #1: You are now 'cause the other one died. She died before she was even born!
Little girl #2: That's impossible! You can't die before you are born!
Little girl #1: Yes you can. You can die before you are born, while you are born, or after. You can die at any time and you don't even have to do anything bad.
Little girl #2: I don't want to play with you anymore.--Manhattan bound F train
Headline by: Krista
Runners-Up:
· "At her house, Zoloft is served at snacktime" - Krisztina
· "Debbie Downer: The Early Years" - E
· "Did I say something wrong?" - PJ
· "Playtime With Wednesday Addams" - Gabbertoons
· "Sartre's Daughter Had A Hard Time Making Friends" - xavier
· "She was later known as the girl who kicked pregnant women in the stomach "just to see what happened"" - Danielle
· "Sylvia Plath Never Did Get Along With The Other Kids" - Ariel
· "Was it something I said?" - Jared
· "Welcome to Ayn Rand Kindergarten" - Emily
· "When playdates go bad... next on Springer" - Jenn
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Yet at Night I Give Myself Little Cuts with my Venus Razor
Tourist girl: This is my day every day. I sleep until around 9:30 and I get up and I answer my emails. Then, I work for a couple of hours and then I watch The View. And then I eat lunch and I basically meditate and contemplate everything for a few hours. And then I watch Oprah, so I can cry my eyes out for all the poor people in Africa. Then I eat dinner and I go shopping with my parents at the mall.
New York girl: Wow. It sounds like a spa.
Tourist girl: Yes. My life is like a spa.
--Dekalb Avenue, Brooklyn
The Best Zoo Party Ever Til' Everything Went Totally Wrong
Girl #1: I like can't even wait for going out tomorrow night, it will be so fun!
Girl #2: I know, but like, we are always the ones who plan our nights out.
Girl #1: Yeah, I know! But we are like so good at it, we should be PR girls! Or party planners!
Girl #2: Yeah! We could do child party planning, and like, we could take them to the zoo!
Girl #1: Oh my god, yeah! But we would have to bring alcohol for us.
Girl #2: Well, what would the kids do then?
Girl #1: I dunno, they could like go off and do their own thing while we drink, right?
Girl #2: Totally.
--The Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: kevin
Seven Months Later, she Complains About Having to Step Around the Amniotic Fluid to Get to the Door
Hobo woman: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for...
Non-hobo man: Oh, hell no!
Hobo woman: ... for interupting you during your trip. I'm homeless...
Non-hobo man: I'm homeless, too! Shut-up!
Homeless woman: And I'm two months pregnant...
Non-hobo man: You ain't pregnant! You just fat! Sit-down and shut-up!
--F train
Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy
It's her Love of hot Chocolate, if You Follow me
Guy: Yeah, we call my brother's girlfriend Swiss Miss.
Girl: Is that because she's Brazilian?
--Purity Diner, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Cleo
Luke.... I Am Your Wednesday-One-Liners
Jappy Teenage daughter: Daddeeee! I want you to get rid of sweat.
--50th & 8th
Overheard by: Lord...
Black woman on cell: I don't like big, Black, aggressive men. I like light-skinned men, cause I'm Jamaican. I just found out I'm Jamaican like five years ago. My mom told me the guy who I thought was my father is not my real father. But you know, I don't hold nothing against him. Dude paid child support and shit.
--Queens bound 7 Train
Hoochie with baby: As soon as he came outta me and I saw what color he was, oh no, I knew who his daddy was. But I love the shit outta my son.
--R Train
Little girl: When I don't want to listen to my dad I just say 'Talk to the hand!'
--Wooster St & Spring St
Little kid in stroller: Dad, is this us?
--Inside subway car on NYC subway IRT line at 34 thst stop
Overheard by: Steve Grant
Not That There's Anything Wrong With Wednesday-One-Liners
Girl: Someone just needs to push him off the gay cliff, 'cuz he's not jumpin!
--Varick &Vandam
Ghetto girl: I seen Whoopie Goldberg's daughter! She a lesbian, light-skinned, and she bad!
--9th Ave & 16th St
Overheard by: david hyman
Darrell Hammond: It's only queer if you're on the bottom.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Angry man on cell: This is exactly why I don't date bisexual guys!
--3rd Ave & 9th St
Girl on cell: I still don't get why you dumped him. Just 'cause you're a lesbian and he's got that thing for unicorns doesn't mean you wouldn't have been cute together.
--2nd & A
Thug: So I was eating that bitch out, and yo, yo, she told me that she was a lez...A lesbian yo! A lesbian!
--Manhattan Ave & 103rd St
Overheard by: Carol - walking slowly so as to hear the rest
Queer: My friend Carol has been dating gay guys for years and fails to realize it until it's too late!
--Jamaica Ave and 150th St
Overheard by: Rodney-Rod
She Blinded Wednesday-One-Liners with Science
Teen thug: You know, if you put'em on hot they dry faster. On hot the clothes dry faster.
--Kingsland Ave & Jackson Ave., Willamsburg
Overheard by: confabulation nation
Hipster on cell: She thinks the entire world revolves around her. What is she, the sun?
--Union Square
Would-be physicist: Did you ever hear of magnetic repulsion? Because I swear to god that door has an eastern pole or something.
--Walgreens Drugstore, Union Square
Overheard by: kbot
Guy: So, you've dissected cats before?
--Lafayette & Centre St
Overheard by: Janelle
Loud chick: So I was looking on the Internet to learn more about our planet and biodiversity and shit, and there's like five more extinctions supposed to happen! You know, like the dinosaurs and shit!
--Ray's Pizza, E Houston
Overheard by: just visiting!
Soccer mom: He has had some really hard social studies stuff... Like why the seasons change and the how the earth moves around the sun.
--Warren Fields, Murray & West Side Highway
Overheard by: Soccer Nanny
Wednesday-One-Liners Gotta Fight for Their Right
Frat boy on cell: Call me when you get done with your fondue party. I don't care if it wasn't your idea. That doesn't make it right!
--12th St & 5th Ave
Geeky Columbia freshman: Yeah, we held a Sexyback Party... You know, it was themed like Justin Timberlake. It was a pretty cool concept.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: pumpkin
College chick: Any party that you have to lube up your hand to get into just isn't worth it.
--Christopher St
Bimbette: Because, really, what good is throwing a porn party if you can't get drunk enough to disregard your butt?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Argopelter
Spicy Szechwan Wednesday-One-Liners
Man: If you wanna have lunch, you've got to have lunch here, whether it's Chinese or Subway.
--Canal St
Overheard by: Aahlixx
Little boy: Does all Chinese food come from Chinatown?
--Williamsburg
Woman: It's like listening to an Arab speaking Spanish talking about the Chinese.
--W Train
Overheard by: Bluto
Tourist: The Chinese are notorious for blurring the line between pet and soup.
--Chinatown
Queen picking up delivery: Damn, I hate dealing with these Chinese people, they never be understanding English good!
--Fordham dorms, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: I don't understand you either
Ghetto guy: Sushi is real Chinese food.
--23rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: John Wu
Hipster Chinese girl on cell: Americans have too much freedom. Yes, too much freedom.
--52nd & Madison
Wednesday One-Liners Ain't Gettin' Any
Man learning about horseshoes, to his wife: You hear that, honey? Mating season is over for them. Does that sound familiar?
--New York Aquarium, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tracy Fish
Early 20's chick to Hasid trying to lure her into his van: I wouldn't even sleep with you for WORLD PEACE!
--1st & Bedford, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alison
Woman to friend: Conjugal visits, my ass! That man doesn't give a shit about sex. In the two years we were together, we had sex six times! Six times!
--Starbucks, Astor Pl
Overheard by: Aaron A
Meathead on cell: We never get laid. We might as well be ninjas.
--Canal & Broadway
Professor: I don't understand these Taliban guys. 27 virgins! 27 virgins! Who wants to spend eternity with a bunch of beginners?
--Classroom, FIT
Guy: So what you sayin'? I can't have sex with you anymore?
--10th & University
Overheard by: Priska Neely
Wednesday One-Liners in Whiteface
Extremely large guy: Yo, I'm scared of clowns for reeeaaal.
--Court & Montague, Brooklyn
Mother to young child, after ghetto girl passes: No, honey, she's not a clown. She just likes to dress that way.
--95th & Madison
Overheard by: Don Ricardo
Mother, watching a clown holding a briefcase walk onto the train: [to child] Look, honey, it's a funny clown!... [to husband] Do you think he has a bomb in that briefcase?
--F train
Overheard by: and then i burst out laughing.
The Ugly Business of Wednesday One-Liners
Agitated papi: I love him like a brother, but he a fuckin' inconsiderate, ungrateful, selfish bastard! And he got a ugly baby!
--14th & University
Overheard by: Manhattman
Young Kid: New York is ugly!
--JFK
Overheard by: Latoya Siratana
Wise teen girl: That's not giving up on him. That's letting him fuck uglier girls.
--Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: walking the bridge
Giggling little girl in stroller: I'm ugly! I'm ugly! I'm ugly! I'm ugly! I'm ugly...!
--Downtown R train
Older woman to complete stranger: You should really stop eating that crap because it's going to make you uglier than you already are!
--Fairway, W 73rd St
Overheard by: just trying to buy my groceries...
B&T guy: As I was saying, just 'cause you're ugly, don't mean you're smart.
--Lower East Side
Wednesday One-Liners Failed Third Grade, Just Like Einstein
Queer: Fuck you! I'm a smart gay!
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Keesha Brown
Accidental ironist: Yeah, obviously he has no sense of smartness.
--68th & Lex
Overheard by: Casti
Hipster guy: I erased two years of my life with drugs. Two solid years! But I'm too smart to erase more than that.
--Chinatown bus
Girl on cell: They said that I'm smart, and that I can articulate well. But I'm not... you know... Oh, whatever.
--Queensboro Community College
Overheard by: LizDayglow
Tween boy to dad: I'm looking for a girl who's younger and smarter.
--71st & West End
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Eww, Wednesday One-Linerss!
Woman on cell: So he gave me this huge body hug...and he was covered in vaseline!
--34th St
Overheard by: Fishwives
JAP: Oh my god, I just sneezed, like, all over that girl!
--Uptown 6 train
Overheard by: that girl
Guys walking: I've got the most disgusting couch in the world.
--Coffee Shopp, Union Square
Sanitation man sorting through garbage: Hey Vinnie, wanna half hero?
--67th St
Man on cell: She was shmearing neosporin all over the place.
--Christopher and 7th Ave
Woman: I must say, I've eaten a lot of things off the floor today.
--Park Slope
Drunk girl: Seriously, is this what it's come to? My stomach fat covers my vagina?
--Four Faced Liar, West 4th St
Overheard by: pebbles
Man on cell: Well, for the past few days I've been coughing up phlegm.
--Citarella, 3rd Ave and 75th St
I Get by with a Little Help from My Wednesday One-Liners
Mom to kid making weird sound: Stop it! That's how you don't make friends!
--Grocery Store
Overheard by: beth
Street guy: Yeah man, I remember you now! Sometimes it's hard separating friends from people.
--West 46th St.
Overheard by: JGL
Drunk guy talking to cop about his drunk friend hiding behind a lightpost: Can you see him? Can you see my friend, fucker? Damn straight you can't, he's got his camouflage on bitch.
--1St & 1St
Overheard by: Erik & Sam
Girl on cell: I don't even have friends!
--14th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: trix b
Hipster girl: I have a friend who went down on a cab driver...Actually, I have two friends who have gone down on cab drivers!
--Upper West Side
Asian nerd #1 to Asian nerd #2: You are by far the most powerful Jew I've ever befriended.
--Columbia Campus
Overheard by: double take
We Recommend 8 Hours of Wednesday One-Liners a Night
Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you're still in jail?
--Mottsu Soho
Overheard by: J
Guy on cell: I'll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?
--Canal St
Hobo: Sorry to disturb y'all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.
--B Train
Overheard by: Jamie Paquette
Guy on cell: Hi. I'm just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don't know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn't. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I'm not totally useless to everyone.
--Chelsea Station Post Office
Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can't wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: .....
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.
--Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School
Overheard by: cherry
Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that's because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!
--Barracuda
Just Remind him You Control the World Entertainment Industry
Rent merchandise peddler: Free Rent tote bag with a purchase of a Rent t-shirt!
Jewish father: How much is the Rent t-shirt?
Rent merchandise peddler: $25.
Jewish father: Hell no! 25 bucks for a t-shirt?!
Jewish teenage son: Dad! Stop being such a Jew!
--Nederlander Theatre
In Manhattan, Polite and Rude Can Be Hard to Distinguish
Guy #1: You should say excuse me!
Guy #2: I did say excuse me!
Guy #1: Oh...
Guy #2: What I should have said is 'Don't stand in front of the fucking doors!"
--Uptown 4 Train
Any Alley Will Do
Drunk queer #1: Hey, let's get some food!
Drunk queer #2: I don't have any money!
Drunk queer #1: That's alright. Papi will pay...if you nibble his foreskin!
Drunk queer #2: Alright. Where do you wanna go?
--17th & 5th
She's on Coke, Duuuh!
Bus driver: That's what crack will do to you.
Crazy lady: What? Crack? Did you say I'm on crack? Hell no. I have too much ass to be on crack. I have too much jewelry to be on crack. You see these? They're real diamonds. You hear these? They're keys jingling - keys to my house. Next time you see someone having a bad day, just say 'I guess they're having a bad day' not 'they're on crack. Pray for me and I'll pray for you!
--125th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: ColumbiaCat
Dear Diary, I Hang Out in Times Square Every Night and Still Can't Manage to Get Raped! Tomorrow I'll Try the Bronx
College guy: You know, I asked Hannah out sophomore year.
College girl: Really? Did she say yes?
College guy: Nah, she said I was like a brother to her.
College girl: Yeah, you're like a brother to me, too, but a brother I know would probably rape me if given the right chance.
College guy: Nah.
College girl: What? Are you serious?
College guy: Yeah! Why?
College girl: I don't know. I figured you'd at least try. You could at least pretend to want to.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Amused high school student
You think I'm Projecting a Little Too Much Onto a Latex Doll?
Hipster boy: It's so weird. It's like, one day my girlfriend will be in a good mood, and the next day, bad mood. I don't get it!
--Broadway & Cedar
The Bar Was Desecrated, But Not As Much as the English Language
Girl #1: I got kissed.
Girl #2: On your frickin' gyne-box?
Girl #1: Yep!
Girl #3: You guys were in there long enough!
--Union St. and 5th Ave, Park Slope
Just the Cutest Little Whiskers
Guy #1: What about my friend Beth that you met? She had a nice face.
Snotty guy #2: Oh, she had a rat face, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
--Chipotle, Midtown
Compounding the Irony, They Were Run Over Because They Failed to Read the "Don't Walk" Sign
Little girl to her mother: You know what is ironic? That sign says, "Learn English."
--Downtown 6 train, 42nd St
Turns out a Fish Does Need a Bicycle, After all
Girl #1: My dad set up my laptop stuff.
Girl #2: Yeah, I don't know how to do it either, my boyfriend did mine.
Girl #3: I don't have a guy like that. I had to set up my computer by myself. It was hard, to like figure it out. I had to think. I felt like a guy.
--Manhattan bound N Train
You Are What You Eat, Young Lady
Rabid coworker: Hey, can you come over to my house and help me install some doors?
Lesbian coworker: I'm not that kind of lesbian!
--Apple Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: i sell the ipods
Warning: This freshman class may contain extreme stupidity.
Columbia freshman #1: One time, in high school, I found a bag of peanuts that said 'May contain peanuts.'
Columbia freshman #2: Why, are you allergic?
--Duane Reade, 111th and Broadway
Overheard by: Fudd
Her Power Will Be Exceeded Only by Her Celibacy
Guy: So, are you becoming a nun or a ninja?
Girl: I'm becoming a nun... ja.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Carene
His Mom's Going to Be Really Disappointed that He Answered
Thug kid #1: What would you rather do, bite a cat's head off or fuck Mrs. Kopf* in the ass?
Thug kid #2: What the fuck?
Thug kid #1: Pick one.
Thug kid #2: Fuck no!
Thug kid #1: If you don't pick one they're gonna let Mike Tyson fuck your mom in the ass.
Thug kid #2: Fuck you fag! You pick one!
Thug kid #1: Nah, I asked you first. I'll pick after you pick
Thug kid #2: Cat.
--Jamaica Avenue, Queens
Overheard by: Nado
I Wear Two Condoms All the Time for the Same Reason
Woman #1: I always wear two bras when I work out.
Woman #2: Two bras?
Woman #1: Yes, a regular bra under my sports bra. That way, I don't get all flattened out, and besides, I look more natural, don't you think?
--14th St
Overheard by: stephanie
What Happens When You Let Jesuits Educate Your Kids
Tween girl: Mom you're not a tease if you give it up, you're a slut. Jesse's a slut, I'm a tease.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: S-dawg
...And Jimmy's a Girl
Queer #1: You are so gay.
Queer #2: I am not gay! Why do people keep saying that?
Queer #1: Well, you made out with Robert, and you slept with Jimmy.
Queer #2: Robert kissed me, I didn't kiss him.
--Greenpoint
In as Much as a White Castle Burger can be 'Real'
Jewish girl: Did you get bacon on your burger?
Jewish guy: No. I'm keepin' it real.
--White Castle, Hillside Avenue, Queens
Overheard by: Big Larry
Like he's Going to Admit he Looks at 'Mature' Porn
Skanky woman: Do I know you? You were giving me a look like you know me.
Teenage boy: No.
Teenage boy to fellow train rider: Do you have a pen?
--R train platform
Overheard by: Doc
Médico Strangelove, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bong
Teen girl: Yeah, everyone says I'm really bohemian.
Teen guy: Wait, I thought you were Mexican.--N train
Headline by: Hawley Smoot
Runners-Up:
· "Are you poor or just pretending to be poor?" - Eli!
· "Because Of The Whole 'Dirty Sanchez' Thing, Right?" - Bored Beyond Belief
· "Bohemia: Czechs think it's a Kingdom, Mexicans think it's a beer. Our scientists have traced this rift in Space-Time to a New York N-Train." - Hawley Smoot
· "Breaking News: Uptown Lawmakers Unanimously Decide to Build Twenty-Foot-Tall Fence Along 14th St." - Alex
· "Either way, the Republicans will want to deport her" - Russ Wall
· "Galileo! Galileo! Galileo! Figaro! Mexico!" - aileron
· "Mary Kate and Ashley overset the Tanning bed clock" - jojo
· "No I said I want to BE in Rent, not I can't PAY my rent" - Riley Ray
· "Poncho Profiling" - Kaleena
· "Rhapsody in Brown" - hawaiianinny
· "The venn diagram just looks like one circle." - Duckbill Oedipus
· "Understandable, since she smokes clove cigarettes outside of Chipotle on St. Mark's" - chris
· "We use Pinatas to hide our weed" - Fudgie D Whale
· "Yes, I'm half Czech, but you're all conformist." - eyp
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
We've Only Been Dating a Few Months - I Don't Want to Pry
Guy #1: So I said to her, 'Are you a him or a her?'
Guy #2: And she said?
Guy #1: Well, I guess she started taking the hormones already so she said she was a she.
Guy #2: Ok...
Guy #1: I mean I told her I didn't care, I just wanted to know which personal pronoun to use if I have to introduce her to someone.
Guy #2: Makes sense. How does she identify herself?
Guy #1: I asked her that. She said she is butch masculine. Whatever that means.
--22nd and 7th
Jonathan Winters is Playing Subway Cars Now?
Young girl: Ummm...sir, would you like some help with those directions?
Crazy dude: Yes! Thank you.
Young girl: So you have to take this train to 42nd...
Crazy dude: What I need to know is, do I have to be in the front of the train, or the back of the train, to get the shuttle?
Young girl: It doesn't matter. You just ride this train to 42nd and you get off and look for the shuttle. It doesn't matter which car you're in.
Crazy dude: You see, I need to get my head fixed, and I need to know which car...
Conducter: Need some help?
Crazy dude: Yes, thank you. I need to get the shuttle at 42nd St. Do I have to be in the front of the train, or the back?
Conducter: In the middle.
Crazy dude: Thank you!
--A train
Thank You! Here's $10
Hobo #1: Spare some change?
Wall Street woman: No, sorry.
Hobo #2: Nice camel toe!
--William & Beaver
So...I can Forget About the Alamo?
Crazy man: Did you hear about the tweezers?!
Boy: Ummm... what?
Crazy man: The tweezers! They're good. They're better for your moustache. They help you take the hair out. They're so much better.
Boy: Ok, thank you.
Crazy man: You're welcome. Remember! The tweezers!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sam