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October 2006 Archives
But the Australians Stay Where They Are
Latina: Are you ready to de-colonize Columbus Day?
White boy: Hell yes! Honey, I'd de-colonize America and Israel for you.
--116th St
Gallagher's Later Work Is a Lot More Thoughtful
Hipster chick: So you're saying don't hate avocados?
Hipster guy: No, no. I don't hate the avocados just for being avocados. I would never smash an avocado. I just want them to make up their minds. They need to decide.
Hipster chick: Good to know.
--San Loco, 2nd Ave
Collect Them All! Trade With Your Friends!
Optometrist #1: So, I went to his myspace to find out who his babymomma was, right? And then he calls me and says I have AIDS.
Optometrist #2: Wait? AIDS? You mean HIV, right?
Optometrist #1: No, AIDS.
Optometrist #2: Well, then I get HIV. You can get AIDS, but I want HIV.
--Roosevelt Optometrists
I Probably Do Have Standards
Girl in stall: I love his tiny Irish Balls. But hey, that guy is pretty cute.
Friend: yeah, I know right. I mean, if he wasn't cute, I wouldn't let him keep grabbing my crotch. right?
--Ladies Room, Red Rock West
Overheard by: Rachel
Find Me One With Naked Everything
Maid of Honor, posing for wedding photos on the steps to the library: How about over there in front of the fountain?
Bride: No. She's got naked boobies.
Maid of Honor: It's art.
--New York Public Library
Overheard by: Jaydubjay
The Road to 18th Street Is Paved with Mixed Intentions
Tourist: Is that train going to 18th street?
New Yorker: Yes.
Doors close.
New Yorker: But you're not.
--Union Square Station, 4/5/6 platform
Overheard by: amused MD
They Say You Can Be Anything You Want, but They Don't Mean It
Teen: I think I wanna be a cameraman when I grow up.
Little girl: I wanna be an armadillo when I grow up.
Teen: You can't be an armadillo when you grow up!
Little girl: Why not?
--40th St & Park
Overheard by: Crysta
At Least about the Mustache
Deaf Malay guy: My friends and I are thinking of making a movie called 'Hitler is Right.'
Deaf gay guy: What was he right about?
Deaf Malay guy: About the Jews. If he had finished what he started, there would be no more Jews and the world would be better.
Deaf gay guy: And we wouldn't exist either.
Deaf Malay guy: Why not?
Deaf gay guy: Because he also killed non-Aryans, homos, and deaf people.
Deaf Malay guy: Really?
Deaf gay guy: Yes.
Deaf Malay guy: Oh. Well, I still think Hitler was right.
--Starbucks, Times Square
And Just Like That, They Formed a Rap Group
Thug: Why you gotta be white and ignorant?
White Girl: Why you gotta be black and belligerent?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bacon
It Never Sleeps, As They Say
Older gentleman: So where is it you're from?
Young lady: California, near San Francisco.
Older gentleman: Ah, the windy city.
--Elevator at Wall St. Plaza
Overheard by: Just a temp
But, No, I'm Not
Hipster girl: I think he wanted to know if you were bisexual.
Hipster boy: Well, I prefer the term hetero-flexible.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Adrienne
She Fell Asleep Watching a Play Within a Play
Woman #1: I was dreaming that I was dreaming that I was awake but wanted to take a nap. So I did and I started dreaming. Then I woke up... but I was still asleep!
Woman #2: Wow.
--13th & University
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Sympathy and A Skillful Segue is the Mark of a Successful Hobo
Columbia student: So I was dealing with all these peptide bonds and it was getting annoyingly complicated.
Hobo: Yo, I hate it when that happens! Got a quarter?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: SlickRicks
That and Your Music, of Course
Yuppie: Today was such an incredible day, I met Richard Branson, and...
Hipster: Who?
Yuppie: Oh, Fabian, that's why I love you so much.
--Broadway & 28th
Get in Line, Buddy
Girl on cell: You don't play with my tits enough! You just go right to it, and avoid the girls! I need some titty action!
Suit on cell, listening: I gotta go, I have to try to pick this girl up. I've never had a better come-on line in my life!
--Duane Reade, Columbus Ave
Overheard by: VERONICA
At the Time It Was Called "Separate but Equal Ed"
Girl: Have you ever realized that we didn't have any black friends in elementary school?
Preppy friend: That's because all the black kids were in special ed.
--Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Rivington St
Overheard by: Lauren C
More Detail Then?
College girl: My friend told me that if you join the Peace Corps, you've got to learn to skin and gut animals. Even if you are a vegetarian!
Redneck guy: I've gutted hundreds of animals.
College girl: I'm morally opposed to gutting animals. I only want to see chicken in Saran Wrap at the grocery store.
Redneck guy: I've gutted about 800 chickens, 200 ducks, 200 deer.
College girl: Please. I don't want to hear about your animal gutting history any more than you want to hear about my sexual history.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Shy
It's All About the Edjamins
Girl #1 on cell: So I freaked out as soon as I saw Ethan and... And... What's his name, Bill?
Girl #2: Ben.
Girl #1 on cell: And Ted.
Girl #2: Ben
Girl #1: Ed.
Girl #2: Ben!
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Ben!
Girl #1 on cell: Well, Henry.
--5th Ave & 16th
Overheard by: in love with jack
Fucking Scoliosis Brace
Girl #1, looking at The L Word: God, I wish I was that girl, and could make out with girls.
Girl #2: Why don't you make out with girls now?
Girl #1: I can't! This body is straight!
--Virgin Megastore, Times Square
Overheard by: Angie
I Hope for More Enthusiasm at Tomorrow's 17th Century Fashion Exhibit
Chic chick #1: Whenever I go to museums with Mike, he always acts like he doesn't give a shit.
Chic chick #2: How so?
Chic chick #1: Like we went to this exhibit on 18th Century English fashion and he was just staring into space the whole time, not saying anything.
Chic chick #2: Weird.
--Clinton & Rivington
Overheard by: The Whyte Lyte
So He's Had 27 Years of Practice with That Violin
NYU chick : Wait, he's 28!
Friend : Yeah, I know. And he's Asian
--Uptown 6 train
Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It
Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.
Headline by: DomCar
Runners-Up:
· "And somewhere, at that moment, a tiny discrimination lawsuit was being filed" - Marc
· "Awwww! Thanks! You said slightly!" - Emily
· "Being sexy isn't necessary when your face if even with most people's crotches" - theVixenNicole
· "Both problems are an unfortunate result of genetics." - Aaron Stephenson
· "But, like, sexily so?" - Tom Dorey
· "By the end of the yellow brick road, the Tin Man was hungry, tired, and BIT-CHY!" - Alissa
· "Comebacks for when you are secretly in love with a midget." - John
· "Happily, I Have a Fetish for Both" - anthony fiore
· "It's Sexy Because It's Like Having Sex With Kids, But They're Legal!" - Bored Beyond Belief
· "She's obviously never seen Wizard of Oz, that is ALL sex appeal" - Kevo
· "Thank God your mom pays me to hang out with you" - tiddlywinks
· "The Sexy Midget Union, recognizing retardation as a handicap, will not sue." - Extra Character
· "The 'My secret is: I'm marrying a dwarf' deodorant ad -- first take" - Amanda
· "There Are Sexy Midgets, You Probably Just Overlooked Them!" - Hobo Whisperer
· "They Prefer the Term "Erotically Challenged Little People"" - Shepcat
· "Yellow fever: Love of Asians. Smallpox: Love of midgets. Down Syndrome: That girl." - erak
· "Yes, but I look good in a teddy AND can reach the top shelf" - Villelen
· "You Don't Need to Be So Short With Me" - Matthew K Johnson
Honorable mentions:
· "But can slightly retarded be sexy?" - Virginia Wood
· "If she were fully retarded, she'd be banging all the unsexy midgets." - AJ
· "So all those internet porn sites are wrong?" - Graz
· "The Sexy Ones Wouldn't Want to Sleep with you Anyway" - Ian
· "The new MMILF: Mental Midgets I'd Like to F***" - Peter Parker
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But I Want You to Do All the Leg Work
Mom: I'm going to Chris' book opening tonight.
Teen son: Is Chris going to be there?
Mom: Yes, of course. Why?
Teen son: Well, tell him I said, 'Hi.' When I grow up, I want to have contacts.
--Doctor's office, Chelsea
Overheard by: Alison
Since Kathie Lee Left, Regis Has Become More Volatile Every Year
Conductor: Next stop, 110th. This one goes to Van Cortlandt.
Tourette's man: I know, you fuck! Stop yelling at me!
--1 train
How Did You Get Past the Doorman?
Club dude: Yeah, but I don't understand why she won't talk to me.
Club dudette: Because she's attractive and you're ugly.
Club dude: Oh, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
--Meatpacking district
Overheard by: Harrison
Apple's Next Anti-PC Marketing Campaign Takes Shape
Office thug #1: Yo, Windows is, like, mad-retarded!
Office thug #2: Say what?
Office thug #1: I said Windows is bullshit, man.
Office thug #2: Man, I been telling you that shit for years. My G5 is way better than whatever computer you got.
Office thug #1: Nigga, my laptop has AIDS!
--52nd St & Madison
'Hey, Big Titty Mama!': Reminiscences of a Life in New York
Girl #1: Somebody in a limo yelled something obscene at me today, but I couldn't hear them because I had my iPod on.
Girl #2: Yeah, you should always have your iPod on so you can't hear the terrible things people shout at you.
Girl #1: But then I wouldn't have any material for my memoirs!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overheard by: Monia Paford
The Question, Then, Is Why Did You Want to Fuck Margot Kidder?
Ghetto guy #1: Yo, man, phone your mom.
Ghetto guy #2: Yeah, hurry up, we about to go in the tunnel.
Ghetto guy #3: Yo, I'm Superman, nigga. I can do whatever I want.
--1 train, 125th St
NewsFlash: Gay Man Shocked That Straight People Have Anonymous Sex!
College girl: I think I'm going to have sex with him.
Queer: Really? Why?
College girl: Because I'm 20.
Queer: What's his name?
College girl: Ummm...
Queer: Nice, real nice. You're a class act.
College girl: I still have at least three years before I have to worry about being classy.
--X10 express bus
She's Just an Enthusiastic Lesbian
Old woman cheering for President Bush's passing caravan: Viva Bush! Viva Bush!
Younger woman: Well, at least one out of a million New Yorkers ain't bad.
--50th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: ~emily
It's at Least Partly about the Pussy
Yuppie guy: Chris, it's not all about the money.
Group of yuppies: Hahaha!
--Wall St deli
Overheard by: melanie
The Greatest Bronx Tale Ever Told
Physician #1: Hey, if you want, there's gonna be a meeting on the night of the 16th.
Physician #2: I can't. I'll be in the Holy Land that week.
Physician #1: You're gonna be in the Bronx?
--North Shore Hospital
Overheard by: Nik G
It's the Foundation of Janeane Garofalo's Stand-up Act
Hobo: I'm tired of your bullshit.
Girl: Me, too.
--E 14th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Angie
Arguing about Public Policy Is Normal for Rednecks Since Carville
Chick: Wait, so he was the black dude from Tennessee on the debate team that you were talking to?
Dude: Yeah. Well, no. He was normal.
Chick: What do you mean?
Dude: He was white.
--Soho
Overheard by: drunk at the bar
Living with Korsakov's
Girl #1: That's pretty much illegal or something.
Girl #2: They're not really related, and she told her dad and he's cool with it.
Girl #1: Oooh, do you wanna get some ice cream?
--M96 bus
Yeah, Sure, Whatever. It's My Turn to Bring Them to Work
Customer: I'll take four glazed, and you pick the others.
Donut guy: So, fill up the rest with stale ones?
--Dunkin Donuts, Chambers & Church
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
When Unpleasant Topics Arise, a Lady Adroitly Redirects the Conversation
Frat boy #1: Remember that pussy I was hittin' a few weeks ago?
Frat boy #2: Yeah.
Frat boy #1: She's in a coma now.
Frat boy #2's girlfriend: That reminds me of that Smiths song, 'Girlfriend in a Coma.' Have you ever heard it?
--Virgin Megastore
Did I Say Rats? I Meant Husbands
Elderly woman: Do you know where the rat killer is?
Younger customer: I am not sure they carry that here. You should speak to a clerk
Elderly woman: A lot of people with pet rats don't want them anymore.
--PetCo, Kips Bay
Overheard by: Glad I Have Dogs
The Terms of His Parole Require All the Residents of Manhattan to Hit Him
Hispanic thug #1: You have to hit a kid to teach him respect.
Hispanic thug #2: That doesn't work
Hispanic thug #1: Sure it does, remember when I stole that stuff when I was younger and dad hit me? That taught me the respect that I needed not to steal
Hispanic thug #2: You still steal.
Hispanic thug #1: Yeah, but not from my family.
--Downtown 4
Mr Keebler Finally Hit His Growth Spurt
Little Spanish kid: Hey you big cracker!
Tall White guy: Oh, hey.
--Troutman & Irving, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Peter
It Depends How You Take It
Columbia coed #1: Does this have, like, a ton of caffeine in it?
Columbia coed #2: That's milk.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: applying elsewhere
Thank You, Mr. Stonerson--Come Again
Customer: You know what would be cool? If you guys, like, wore Tibetan monk outfits while you did that. That'd be cool.
Cupcake store employee: Ummmm...
--Rivington & Essex
But Nicole Richie? Her, I Take Credit For
Newpaper man: Get your free Daily News! Find out why Whitney Houston is back on crack! What? It's true! It ain't my fault. I ain't sell it to her.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Allisa
...But Not Really
Girl: When I look back on my life, I'm not going to think about trips I went on or relationships I had, I'll be thinking about television programs I watched.
Guy: That's horrible!
Girl: Well I was only kidding!
--86th and Lex
Damn It, Do I Have to Clean up and Get a Job to Prove You Wrong?
Hobo: Never give up! Don't you ever give up!
Teen: But why even try? Everyone loses in the end!
--St. Marks Place
Penn Really Is Mean to Teller in Public
Man #1: High Street? Oh man, we're back in Brooklyn....
Man #2: Ummm, we never left Brooklyn. The next stop is in Manhattan.
Man #2: Do you see that young man over there? Do you want his first life lesson to be me whuppin' yo' ass?
--Manhattan bound A train
But I'd Eat Out Jack Black's Ass for the Pastrami at Katz's
Deli girl: So is that your girlfriend?
Guy : No, just a roommate.
Deli girl: What about that other girl you were in here with last week, the other blonde one?
Guy : Nope, just a friend.
Deli girl: And that brunette that came in with you the other day?
Guy : I'm actually gay.
Guy to roommate: Dude, did you see that? That girl is fucking stalking me, she knows every girl I come in here with. I had to tell her I was gay so she would stop with the questions.
Roommate: Why didn't you just tell her Jess was your girlfriend?
Guy : Cuz the way she was grilling me, I would've had to bring Jess in here and make out with her in front of this psycho to make her believe me.
Roommate: Right, so now all you have to is bring a guy in here and make out with him.
Guy: I'm not sure the sandwiches in here are worth that.
--Deli, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Don't think I'll be going back there
Schrodinger: I'll Take It! It's for My Cat
Woman: Will this skirt shrink in the dryer?
Saleswoman: I don't know if it'll shrink. My friend said that in her experience it probably won't. But sometimes it does. It depends. There's no way to know. It either will, or it won't.
--Macy's
Overheard by: SDP
You Mean I'm One of Those Assholes?
Guy #1: So we went to a baptism yesterday.
Guy #2: Wait, you're Catholic. Not Baptism. I'm Baptism.
Guy #1: You're Baptist.
--Times Square
Posted 2006-10-28 |