Leggo of the Goddamn Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: This Eighth Avenue-bound L train is now an express train to Eighth Avenue because a couple of you are idiots who thought holding the doors would get you where you’re going faster. I hope this teaches you all a lesson.

–Union Square

Conductor: Please do not hold the closing doors! [Fifteen seconds later] Fine, hold the doors! I’m already at work!

–4 train

Overheard by: On-Nee-Mall

Indian MTA employee: Please do not hold the doors… [Slightly agitated] Please do not hold the doors! [Very agitated] Are you so stupid! Only someone stupid would hold the doors!

–1 train

Conductor: Do you people realize that there are 30 doors on this train? Must you all do a conga line in front of one of them?! Don’t you need music for that?!

–96th St

Conductor: Stop holding the doors! You hold the doors open and the train doesn’t run smoothly! And this is the only train in the city that works!

–7 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Wednesday Six-Feet-Under Liners

Reasonably clean cut man to another: So he was like, "I dunno what I'm gonna find when I walk in there. It's either gonna be dead bodies, or two people fucking." (pause) Turns out it was both…

–49th & 10th

Overheard by: Welcome to New Jack City

Short, skinny, strung-out white woman: Dead! Dead! Dead! Yo' mutha is so fuckin' dead, you niggaz! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

–2nd Ave & St Marks Place

Overheard by: Joe

Eight-year-old girl, walking away angrily: You know what else is good for your health? Not getting killed!

–Sunset Park

Overheard by: She *does* have a point.

Guy: I'm not saying I'd kill you, I'm just saying you'd die.

–10th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Shaul

Woman to boyfriend: Oh, Gun Hill Road… That's where my ex-boyfriend tried to murder me.

–5 Train

Overheard by: Ari

Middle aged man to 20-something man: And when he dies, we can all go out for whale sushi!

–5th Ave &14th St


Wednesday One-Liners: “Is This Thing On?”

PA system: Leia, please meet your party at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your party at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Beyond, 18th & 6th

Overheard by: Rebecca

Announcer over loudspeaker: The time is now one am o'clock!

–Baggage Claim, JFK

Overheard by: Kimmie

Loudspeaker announcement: Attention, all late night shoppers, this is a live announcement. I repeat, this is not a recording! Right now, in our deli department, fully-cooked chickens! Come on over and get your chickens! They're hot! They're fresh! And they were alive this morning!

–Pathmark, Cropsey Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Stacy

Announcement over loudspeaker during class: Hello, I'm sorry for the interruption. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go outside, they're about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loudspeaker: Good afternoon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean "flag football" will meet in the cafeteria immediately following advisory.

–East Side Community High School