Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their Eyes Peeled for Movie Stars

Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own? –1 Train Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that's what you get for trying to be a hipster! –Union Square Park Overheard by: j Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It's huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant) –Times Square Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee's… Now I feel at home here! –Times Square Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger. –Bleecker Street Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now. –Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen

Clay was at the Bottom of the Contestants

Queer #1: …Well, he’s going to start his own porn company and he asked me to shoot for it.
Queer #2: So are you going to do it?
Queer #1: Hell, yeah! And I get to go auditions and sit there like Simon Cowell and be like, “You’re hot; you’re gross.”
Queer #2: So when they do auditions do they make them try out and do blowjobs and stuff?
Queer #1: No I just think they make them get naked. –F train Overheard by: Joe M.

The Wheels on the Wednesday One-Liners Go Round and Round

Bus driver: The next stop on this bus is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready! –M79 bus Bus driver: This is the Manhattan number one bus. Destination: San Juan, Puerto Rico. –M1 bus Bus driver: East Tremont Avenue, transfer to the 40 and 42… Put on those running shoes, there’s the 40 now! –Fordham-bound Bx22 bus Overheard by: Black Knight Bus driver: Okay, now everyone move to the right side of the bus. We’re running on three wheels today, and we have to stay balanced. –M14 bus Overheard by: Almost moved to the other side of the bus Bus driver: To your right you’ll see a bronze statue of Adam Clayton Powell, first black member of Congress… Looks like he’s runnin’ from the cops. –125th & Adam Clayton Powell Blvd Overheard by: sueinthecity Bus driver, about jackhammers outside: Do you hear that, people? That’s the sound of real labor! [Plays the sound of the jackhammers on the intercom] Embrace it! –Q88 bus

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called ‘Caucasian’

Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man’s shit in there. –Trump Tower, 5th Ave Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town? –Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn Overheard by: they’re coming Woman: But it’s Aryan night… –116th & Broadway Hobo playing guitar: I’ve got three kids at home — I’ll take anything. I’ll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people’s money, change, food, weed… I’ll even take white people’s money. –1 train Overheard by: trooshieb Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain’t come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th. –7 train