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November 2006 Archives
Most Places: Amen to That!
Woman: When I was a kid, we never called people 'cunt.' It wasn't insulting enough. But if you called someone a 'twat,' now you're using fighting words.
Man: But that's not true most places.
Woman: Brooklyn's not most places.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
She Could Turn Back to a Scullery-Maid at Any Moment
Black guy #1: It ain't Halloween until you hit the ground.
Black guy #2 to friend trying to help a drunken princess: Don't touch the white girl!
--7th & Greenwich
Thank You, Come Again!
Black customer: Give me a yellow cash card, my brother.
Middle Eastern owner: What'd you call me?
Black customer: I said 'my brother.'
Middle Eastern owner: No, no, no. We are different.
Black customer: No, we're not -- we all come from the same place. We have the same blood.
Middle Eastern owner: No, your blood is black -- your blood is shit.
Black customer: No, my blood is blue just like yours. Besides, if I don't come here to your store to spend money, how are you going to afford the bombs to blow up buildings?
--488 Madison Ave
Why Women Put Themselves Through Birth: Explained
Hipster chick: When my friend was pregnant she bought a book called Orgasmic Birth.
Hipster guy: So, wait -- she used her baby like a dildo?
--The Sunburnt Cow, Ave C & 9th St
Overheard by: Soula
They Shared a Passionate but Disgusting Interlude
Girl #1: But what exactly does that mean, 'Doesn't shit where he eats'? I'll kick his ass...
Girl #2: It means 'not dating someone you work with.'
Girl #1: Oh, okay. I thought he was saying my pussy smells bad...
--Nation Bar, 45th St
No, Not De-construction!
Hipster thug #1: Yo, you never worked a day of construction in your life, son.
Hipster thug #2: I dabbled.
--N 8th & Roebling, Williamsburg
And What Else Did You Take Gracefully?
Girl #1: So, he told me that I had the prettiest pussy he had ever seen.
Girl #2: Ew! What did you say?
Girl #1: I said, 'Thank you.' My mother told me to always take a compliment gracefully.
--Prince & Broadway
He'd Have Done It for Free
Bum, after lady hands him a pack of cigarettes: The whole pack?
Lady: Yeah, take them, you can have 'em.
Bum: That is so kind of you! I can't believe it! How can I repay you?
Lady: No, no, just take them.
Bum: I know what I will do! I will make love to your dog.
--Ave A & 7th St
Overheard by: Anna Meyer
And Once You Try It a Few Dozen Times on 'The Sims,' You'll Be Ready to Try It in Real Life, Little Camper
Ladies' man #1: So just bang her out, then.
Ladies' man #2: After what she did to me, I don't think I can just give that to her.
Ladies' man #1: The man always has the upper hand -- you should just bang her out and then call her the next day and be like, 'Hey, do you have any cute friends you could hook me up with?' You know, make her feel like shit.
--Uptown A train
Overheard by: JD
You'll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was.
Girlfriend: You could just be gay.
Boyfriend: I don't want to be gay! I just wanna be a woman.
--Houston & Lafayette
Headline by: Paul S
Runners-Up:
· "'Cause surgery is easier than coming out" - Becky
· "Be All You Can't Be" - Mike D
· "Cant have a man-made pussy and eat it, too" - N. Delwood
· "Career day counselors never know what to expect" - peter
· "It's all pillow fights and boobies 'til you start PMSing." - mthy
· "Michael Jackson's Cosmetic Surgery Consultation Gets Hostile" - kane, okc
· "The long-awaited yet unanticipted answer to 'Tell me what you want, what you really, really want'" - cinekat
· "Transexual does not a homosexual make" - i like men too
· "Vaginas: The Consolation Prize" - sh
· "Your Phantom Limb Will Still Want To Stem The Rose" - elrobinder
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Eddie's Vacation Fund Finally Pays Off
Guy soliciting money: Just one penny. Just one penny to help the homeless.
Contributor: Where's Eddie?
Guy soliciting money: Eddie? Oh, he's on vacation this week.
--Outside Barnes and Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Bob who gives at the office
Yes, It Was the Most Recent Antarctic Expedition, And...
Tourist mom to son: Hold on tight to the pole.
Tourist dad: Hey Stephen*, when I met your mom she was on a pole.
Tourist mom: Stop that!
--Uptown R train
Overheard by: burst out laughing
Here's an Alka-Seltzer and a Dildo
Hot male nurse: Is there anything else that's bothering you?
Drunk girl: Yeah, I want to puke, and I need to get laid.
--Saint Luke's Hospital
Overheard by: evie
Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything to Get This Part
Girl: Seriously, I'd give, like, 20 blowjobs to get an apartment.
--Barna, 26th & Park
Overheard by: Greg
Crazy guy: I gotta stop eating pussy. I'm losing my breath.
--F train
Girl to guy: If you don't like oral sex, don't open your mouth.
--68th St station
Overheard by: liza
Guy defending self to group of friends: I've tasted pussy!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Reina
Guy on cell: Which one? Me sucking dick or San Francisco?
--Wagner College, Staten Island
Teen girl: I need balls in my mouth.
--Disney Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Gin
Ghetto teen: And so she was suckin' my dick, and there was a 10 dollar bill on the table, and -- get this -- when she stopped suckin', it was gone! Bitch took my money!
--Fulton Mall, Brooklyn
Overheard by: djingo
Wednesday One-Liners Run All Night
Middle-aged man at Metrocard machine to MTA booth employee: You know these things don't work, right? I mean, you know they don't work? [Employee ignores him] Hey, do you care?
--Grand Central
MTA lady on loudspeaker: [Stops singing loudly] What? No, the speaker's not on. You can hear me? But it's not on. Huh? You can hear me, too? Damn.
--Union Street Station, Park Slope
Overheard by: Just wanna wait in peace
MTA guy with microphone: Please keep your eyes open -- there is a large rat running around on the platform. Please keep your eyes open -- large rat -- very large.
--V Station, 51st St
Overheard by: Ethan
MTA lady talking to no one visible: You one-armed nuisance! You are really getting on my nerves!
--In front of Staten Island Ferry, Staten Island
Overheard by: Jackie
Happy hour queen ascending subway steps: Did you know all these spots are gum? This entire subway station is constructed of chewing gum!
--Subway station, 14th & 7th
Overheard by: wish i had a drink too
Disgruntled man: Who needs terrorists when you have the MTA?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Alice
Wednesday One-Liners Refuse A Polygraph
Guy: Yeah, and he lied to me about dying, too!
--Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Girl: So what is your name going to be tonight?
--6th Ave & 57th St
Queer on cell: She tried to tell me that I was fatter than him -- that muthafucka is the worst liar in the world!
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: She was probably right...
Guy: I just told her, 'Keep on fakin' those orgasms!'
--7th Ave & 32nd St
Suit on cell in McDonald's: Yeah, well, I'm in Connecticut right now...
--Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Blaine
Conductor: There's another local train directly behind this one. I would never lie to you.
--W train to Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Man exiting taxi: If anyone asks, we walked!
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Kyle
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Misunderestimated
Thug: Where you am?
--Penn Station
Girl: The cat keeps attacking the kitten and trying to dominate him. He's wicked-dominal.
--Train from Boston, Penn Station
Thug girl: We is not stupid!
--Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: there's no e in tracy
Teen boy: It's like that Napoleon ice cream. You know: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.
--53rd & 5th
Overheard by: really?
Ghetto woman on cell: Yeah, yeah -- he a drug addict. I couldn't believe it. I had no agnostic he was on drugs.
--M15 Bus
Overheard by: Thirsty Violet
Girl: I'm like, so, you know, like, bad at, like... I'm really inarticulate.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: jaded intellectual
Hey, Kiss My Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk guy: Excuse me, Miss, I'm askin'... I want to kiss your ass! Just the left cheek!
--8th Ave & W 55th St
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Canadian guy: The first kiss'll be at the altar.
--Uptown 6 train
Loudmouth on cell: Yeah man, and then, like, I was kissing her, and then I like, just started dancing with her. We were dancing, man. And then I picked her up, and she beat the crap out of me, and I had to put her down. Yeah, man. But she was a fuckin' awesome kisser.
--NYU
Overheard by: lucy in the sky with diamonds
Girl on cell: I can't remember the last time we kissed on the mouth, can you?
--43rd & Lex
Ghetto chick leaving after fight with boyfriend: Kiss my ass. No, kiss my pussy while it's bleeding, like you used to.
--Washington Heights
Girl on cell: He said he wouldn't leave until I kissed him... so I kissed him while I was on the toilet!
--115th St & Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Wednesday One-Liners Are Footloose
Guy: I don't think people are ready to do the Charleston, yet. Because it's so spiritual, you know?
--Grand & Mulberry
Overheard by: Trey Givens
Guy with fliers: Ladies, come on in and meet your future husbands. They'll be the ones dancing on the poles.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Too young to marry strippers
Guy: What? Bar None? Bar None is just a whorehouse with a dance floor.
--12th and 3rd Ave
Black dude: Damn, girl, you so fine you'd make an African in a canoe with a spear wanna jump up and dance!
--2nd Ave & 11th
Overheard by: gneumatic
Poorly-dancing Asian guy: I feel really Latino when I'm dancing to Spanish music.
--Gonzalez y Gonzalez, Broadway
Overheard by: javster
Dorky college freshman: Dude, I totally blacked-out last night... Last thing I remember I was dancing with her mom.
--1 train, Times Square station
Overheard by: Gnomar the gnome
Post-Literate Wednesday One-Liners
Bum to man stumbling while reading Hamlet: Yeah, that's right, Hamlet. That's what you get for killing Polonius that way, you son of a bitch.
--W 43rd
Overheard by: Richard Harrington
Pious woman: And when he said to take out our Bibles, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know it was BYOB!
--18th & 10th
Overheard by: Owen
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm at terminal four. Did you bring a dictionary? No? Oh, shit!
--Air Shuttle, JFK
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guy: I totally want to spoon with Amy Guth, but like, her novel is so fucking weird she'd probably have to kill me first.
--Subway platform, Columbus Circle, 59th St
Overheard by: Karen Birchman
Fat lady: No, no, I was full when I got to the library, and then -- I was empty.
--W 66th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Old hippie on phone: Don't worry about how much time you have -- I read this book on string theory that says time is just a human construct and means nothing at all. [Pause] No, I won't be able to make it there on time.
--Pizza Place, Waverly & Mercer
Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1
I'm Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner
Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That's what comes from being in America!
--Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st
Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, 'Listen, you're in America now.'
--Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle
Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she's naked, don't go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.
--Bedford St & W 4th
Overheard by: Birthday Boy
Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!
--Uptown 6 train, Wall St station
Overheard by: gay among hardhats
Guy: It's an old American name, like in the Bible.
--A train arriving at 59th St
Overheard by: IanM
Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn't have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I'm an American! I'm a fucking New Yorker!
--23rd & Park
Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!
--Apple store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Our Wednesday One-Liners, Ourselves
Woman conductor: Take all of your personal belongings and all parts of your body as you leave the train.
--Brooklyn-bound D train
Bronx woman: I do not have 'cheeseburger' written on my forehead.
--Parkchester, Bronx
Overheard by: walking too fast to hear more
20-something girl to woman praying with legs wide open: When I move over it's so your warm thighs aren't pressed up against mine.
--Downtown A train
Overheard by: lisa l.
Chick: So then he slammed my infected eyebrow right into his crotch. It was terrific!
--Theater, 1st Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
British guy to girlfriend: Can I have your tongue?
--Scruffy Duffy's, 8th Ave
Skinny 20-something: My head swung like a pendulum... I had a brain injury, but it's okay because the part of the brain that got injured -- the doctors are unsure of its function.
--7 train
Overheard by: Holy Crap!
Middle-aged guy lunching with female companions: So... Do you know if there's any other organs on my body that could grow teeth?
--Sushi Samba, West Village
Wednesday One-Liners Have 'Roid Rage
Teen guy: My math teacher says that I should learn this stuff since it's going to be useful, but I told her, 'When I go to college, I'm majoring in Lacrosse.' The coach can hire a tutor for anything else they want me to do.
--Amtrak train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Lacrosse-titute
Conductor: Fourth avenue. Transfer here to the R train on the lower level. The time is 6:36. The score is five-four, Mets. Thank you for riding MTA New York City Transit.
--F stop, 4th Ave
Overheard by: mili
Conductor: And don't forget, you heard it here first: Yankees, five, Detroit, two. Mets... more than the other team. Anyone knows who the other team is, that's good. Mets gonna have more runs than the other team. Next stop, 34th street.
--Downtown A train
Overheard by: Pebbles
Woman on cell: Well, I'm sorry if my commitment to the Mets is not all you had hoped it would be!
--2nd Ave & 82nd St
Overheard by: aislinn
Yankees fan: So they found Lidle's passport... Did they find his pitching arm?
--53rd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: tragedy + 2 minutes = comedy
Guy: This goddamn fucking son of a bitch! Darryl Strawberry just stole a thousand dollars from me!
--Office, 30th St
Overheard by: Bagel
B&T girl: I hate sports. I mean, I don't even know what's going on down there.
--On line for Slate
Overheard by: acep
Wednesday One-Liners Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts
Hipster: And I was like, 'Okay, well, here's some advice for you, then: Why don't you peel a banana and shove it up your ass?'
--Bedford Ave
Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Auston McLain
Girl to guy: I am not shoving anything in your hole!
--LIRR
Overheard by: mish
Middle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.
--5th Ave & Union
Overheard by: Stephen
Woman on cell: You tell him he better pay for it. I better get his money. He needs a dick up the ass, that's what he needs. A fucking dick up the ass. 'Cause I got it. I got it all. So he better fucking pay for it.
--Restroom, JFK
Overheard by: colette
Angry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don't understand religion!
--Empire State Building, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt
Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?
--Chinatown bus
Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.
--3rd Ave
Overheard by: renata
Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn't cover is the sperm!
--20th & 5th
Overheard by: I want to get on her plan
Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.
--1 train
Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.
--5th Ave
NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?
--Waverly & Broadway
Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
And a Kind of Sweater, Right?
Upstate girl: If you thought Geneseo was bad, you should see Angola; there's really nothing out there.
Hipster boy: Angola? That sounds like a disease.
Upstate girl: Well, yeah -- it's an African country.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Greybanks
And They Were All Out of 'Nursing Mother'
Father: So, what are you going as for Halloween?
Daughter: A Hooters girl. I needed a costume where my breasts could be an accessory.
Father: Ah, makes a father proud.
--42nd & 6th Ave
God! The Sense of Entitlement These Kids Have
Teacher #1: What do they want me to do with my students? They expect me to be able to teach them and they are always late or absent.
Teacher #2: Yeah, my students are always getting shot or something and then they want special treatment and a make-up test.
Teacher #1: Yeah, I know what you mean -- they must be gang members.
--86th & Broadway
She's in British Columbia Denial
Girl #1: My brother drives between Alaska and Colorado once a year. It's a really long drive.
Girl #2: Wait... I thought Alaska wasn't connected to America.
Guy: It's connected to Canada.
Girl #2: So, there's like, a bridge?
Guy: No. It's connected to Canada.
Girl #2: No, it's not! It's an island. Canada breaks up over there.
Guy: I swear to god, it's connected to Canada.
Girl #2: No!
--Coffee shop, Mercer & 3rd
That's It -- a Bicycle!
Teen girl #1: Is it weird that I'm usually more horny when I'm on my period?
Teen girl #2: No. I am, too.
Teen girl #1: I mean, it's really icky to masturbate, though, because blood and shit gets everywhere.
Woman on bicycle right behind them, trying to get past: Um, excuse me.
--Park Ave
Either He's Lying, or He's New to the Job
Passenger: Have you ever run anyone over?
Cabbie: No. Do you want me to try it right now?
--West Village
Essence Of NYC: A Play in One Act
Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn't a fart because it didn't smell, and... It was just really embarrassing.
Bimbo tourist #2: Quip.
Bimbo tourist #1: What?
Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it's called a 'quip.'
Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people.
Stranger: Um, that's not right.
Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir?
Stranger: No, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's saying his name is 'Queef' or something.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef?
Stranger: No... Oh, lord. The sound, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Who's a 'queef'? What's going on?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he's telling us he's gay.
Stranger: I can hear you, and I'm not... What? That's 'queer,' you ingrate!
Bimbo tourist #1: Here's some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something.
Stranger: What?! Does it look like I'm homeless to you? I'm wearing fucking YSL over here... I ain't queer and I ain't homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend's dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word...
Bimbo tourist #1: I'm not following... Is he speaking Cockney or something?
Bimbo tourist #2: I don't know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos?
Stranger: ...I'm not fucking crazy!
Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren't, sir.
Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I'm gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear?
Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was...
Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can't you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway's comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it.
Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god.
Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense.
Stranger, muttering to himself: ... Last time I ever take a subway... Unbelievable shit I put up with... Fucking Civics... Unreliable fuckers...
--L train
Look, Forget I Brought It Up
Male law student: You know who I feel sorry for?
Female law student: Who?
Male law student: A black guy with a small dick.
Female law student: Why?
Male law student: Because the expectations are so much higher.
Female law student: You mean, like, with you it's just expected, right?
Male law student: Not me. I'm hung like... like a black guy.
Female law student: You mean like the black guy who isn't well-hung?
--Brooklyn Law School library
Overheard by: Big Larry
He Doesn't Cope Well with Fever
Black girl: I'm just going to remain celibate until I meet a nice-looking white man.
Friend: Look how fast he's walking away!
--Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mark S
No, I Mean He Stole It
Girl: Mom, I was just watching a TV show, and guess who has your car?
JAP mom: Who?
Girl: P. Diddy!
JAP mom: Ewww, gross!
--54th & 5th
Give Me Some Head with Hair?
Tourist to woman handing out fans promoting Hair: What is this?
Woman: It's, you know, a fan. So you can blow yourself.
--Broadway & 46th
Overheard by: Dain
He Was Lying on a Nearby Rooftop in a Black Ski Mask
Ghetto girl #1: Girl, was he there when you got shot in the ass?
Ghetto girl #2: No!
Ghetto girl #1: Well, was he there when you got shot in the leg?
Ghetto girl #2: No.
--28th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Wasn't there either
Where Art Historians Come From
Kid: Mommy, why are there so many pictures of naked people?
Mother: Because lots of people went naked in history.
--European art section, the Met
Overheard by: nixie
Tomorrow I'm Migrating Back to Brazil
Bouncer: Weren't you here on Saturday night?
Girl: No, I was a caterpillar on Saturday.
--Steinway, 31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Lefty
I Won't Have What She's Having
Loud guy: That's because you have an awesome metabolism.
Loud girl: No, that's because I have IBS.
--Diner
Overheard by: Jackie
Let's Do It Like They Do on the Discovery Channel
Court officer #1: I saw this show on Animal Planet last night. There's this fish called a cichlid -- the female takes her eggs in her mouth and then she nibbles the male's fin until he shoots sperm into her mouth and then she swallows it to fertilize her eggs.
Court officer #2: Where can I get one of these cichlids?
--Livingston & Smith, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry