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November 2006 Archives
Most Places: Amen to That!
Woman: When I was a kid, we never called people 'cunt.' It wasn't insulting enough. But if you called someone a 'twat,' now you're using fighting words.
Man: But that's not true most places.
Woman: Brooklyn's not most places.
--Starbucks, Astor Place
She Could Turn Back to a Scullery-Maid at Any Moment
Black guy #1: It ain't Halloween until you hit the ground.
Black guy #2 to friend trying to help a drunken princess: Don't touch the white girl!
--7th & Greenwich
Thank You, Come Again!
Black customer: Give me a yellow cash card, my brother.
Middle Eastern owner: What'd you call me?
Black customer: I said 'my brother.'
Middle Eastern owner: No, no, no. We are different.
Black customer: No, we're not -- we all come from the same place. We have the same blood.
Middle Eastern owner: No, your blood is black -- your blood is shit.
Black customer: No, my blood is blue just like yours. Besides, if I don't come here to your store to spend money, how are you going to afford the bombs to blow up buildings?
--488 Madison Ave
Why Women Put Themselves Through Birth: Explained
Hipster chick: When my friend was pregnant she bought a book called Orgasmic Birth.
Hipster guy: So, wait -- she used her baby like a dildo?
--The Sunburnt Cow, Ave C & 9th St
Overheard by: Soula
They Shared a Passionate but Disgusting Interlude
Girl #1: But what exactly does that mean, 'Doesn't shit where he eats'? I'll kick his ass...
Girl #2: It means 'not dating someone you work with.'
Girl #1: Oh, okay. I thought he was saying my pussy smells bad...
--Nation Bar, 45th St
No, Not De-construction!
Hipster thug #1: Yo, you never worked a day of construction in your life, son.
Hipster thug #2: I dabbled.
--N 8th & Roebling, Williamsburg
And What Else Did You Take Gracefully?
Girl #1: So, he told me that I had the prettiest pussy he had ever seen.
Girl #2: Ew! What did you say?
Girl #1: I said, 'Thank you.' My mother told me to always take a compliment gracefully.
--Prince & Broadway
He'd Have Done It for Free
Bum, after lady hands him a pack of cigarettes: The whole pack?
Lady: Yeah, take them, you can have 'em.
Bum: That is so kind of you! I can't believe it! How can I repay you?
Lady: No, no, just take them.
Bum: I know what I will do! I will make love to your dog.
--Ave A & 7th St
Overheard by: Anna Meyer
And Once You Try It a Few Dozen Times on 'The Sims,' You'll Be Ready to Try It in Real Life, Little Camper
Ladies' man #1: So just bang her out, then.
Ladies' man #2: After what she did to me, I don't think I can just give that to her.
Ladies' man #1: The man always has the upper hand -- you should just bang her out and then call her the next day and be like, 'Hey, do you have any cute friends you could hook me up with?' You know, make her feel like shit.
--Uptown A train
Overheard by: JD
You'll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was.
Girlfriend: You could just be gay.
Boyfriend: I don't want to be gay! I just wanna be a woman.
--Houston & Lafayette
Headline by: Paul S
Runners-Up:
· "'Cause surgery is easier than coming out" - Becky
· "Be All You Can't Be" - Mike D
· "Cant have a man-made pussy and eat it, too" - N. Delwood
· "Career day counselors never know what to expect" - peter
· "It's all pillow fights and boobies 'til you start PMSing." - mthy
· "Michael Jackson's Cosmetic Surgery Consultation Gets Hostile" - kane, okc
· "The long-awaited yet unanticipted answer to 'Tell me what you want, what you really, really want'" - cinekat
· "Transexual does not a homosexual make" - i like men too
· "Vaginas: The Consolation Prize" - sh
· "Your Phantom Limb Will Still Want To Stem The Rose" - elrobinder
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Eddie's Vacation Fund Finally Pays Off
Guy soliciting money: Just one penny. Just one penny to help the homeless.
Contributor: Where's Eddie?
Guy soliciting money: Eddie? Oh, he's on vacation this week.
--Outside Barnes and Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Bob who gives at the office
Yes, It Was the Most Recent Antarctic Expedition, And...
Tourist mom to son: Hold on tight to the pole.
Tourist dad: Hey Stephen*, when I met your mom she was on a pole.
Tourist mom: Stop that!
--Uptown R train
Overheard by: burst out laughing
Here's an Alka-Seltzer and a Dildo
Hot male nurse: Is there anything else that's bothering you?
Drunk girl: Yeah, I want to puke, and I need to get laid.
--Saint Luke's Hospital
Overheard by: evie
Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything to Get This Part
Girl: Seriously, I'd give, like, 20 blowjobs to get an apartment.
--Barna, 26th & Park
Overheard by: Greg
Crazy guy: I gotta stop eating pussy. I'm losing my breath.
--F train
Girl to guy: If you don't like oral sex, don't open your mouth.
--68th St station
Overheard by: liza
Guy defending self to group of friends: I've tasted pussy!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Reina
Guy on cell: Which one? Me sucking dick or San Francisco?
--Wagner College, Staten Island
Teen girl: I need balls in my mouth.
--Disney Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Gin
Ghetto teen: And so she was suckin' my dick, and there was a 10 dollar bill on the table, and -- get this -- when she stopped suckin', it was gone! Bitch took my money!
--Fulton Mall, Brooklyn
Overheard by: djingo
Wednesday One-Liners Run All Night
Middle-aged man at Metrocard machine to MTA booth employee: You know these things don't work, right? I mean, you know they don't work? [Employee ignores him] Hey, do you care?
--Grand Central
MTA lady on loudspeaker: [Stops singing loudly] What? No, the speaker's not on. You can hear me? But it's not on. Huh? You can hear me, too? Damn.
--Union Street Station, Park Slope
Overheard by: Just wanna wait in peace
MTA guy with microphone: Please keep your eyes open -- there is a large rat running around on the platform. Please keep your eyes open -- large rat -- very large.
--V Station, 51st St
Overheard by: Ethan
MTA lady talking to no one visible: You one-armed nuisance! You are really getting on my nerves!
--In front of Staten Island Ferry, Staten Island
Overheard by: Jackie
Happy hour queen ascending subway steps: Did you know all these spots are gum? This entire subway station is constructed of chewing gum!
--Subway station, 14th & 7th
Overheard by: wish i had a drink too
Disgruntled man: Who needs terrorists when you have the MTA?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Alice
Wednesday One-Liners Refuse A Polygraph
Guy: Yeah, and he lied to me about dying, too!
--Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Girl: So what is your name going to be tonight?
--6th Ave & 57th St
Queer on cell: She tried to tell me that I was fatter than him -- that muthafucka is the worst liar in the world!
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: She was probably right...
Guy: I just told her, 'Keep on fakin' those orgasms!'
--7th Ave & 32nd St
Suit on cell in McDonald's: Yeah, well, I'm in Connecticut right now...
--Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Blaine
Conductor: There's another local train directly behind this one. I would never lie to you.
--W train to Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Man exiting taxi: If anyone asks, we walked!
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Kyle
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Misunderestimated
Thug: Where you am?
--Penn Station
Girl: The cat keeps attacking the kitten and trying to dominate him. He's wicked-dominal.
--Train from Boston, Penn Station
Thug girl: We is not stupid!
--Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: there's no e in tracy
Teen boy: It's like that Napoleon ice cream. You know: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.
--53rd & 5th
Overheard by: really?
Ghetto woman on cell: Yeah, yeah -- he a drug addict. I couldn't believe it. I had no agnostic he was on drugs.
--M15 Bus
Overheard by: Thirsty Violet
Girl: I'm like, so, you know, like, bad at, like... I'm really inarticulate.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: jaded intellectual
Hey, Kiss My Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk guy: Excuse me, Miss, I'm askin'... I want to kiss your ass! Just the left cheek!
--8th Ave & W 55th St
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Canadian guy: The first kiss'll be at the altar.
--Uptown 6 train
Loudmouth on cell: Yeah man, and then, like, I was kissing her, and then I like, just started dancing with her. We were dancing, man. And then I picked her up, and she beat the crap out of me, and I had to put her down. Yeah, man. But she was a fuckin' awesome kisser.
--NYU
Overheard by: lucy in the sky with diamonds
Girl on cell: I can't remember the last time we kissed on the mouth, can you?
--43rd & Lex
Ghetto chick leaving after fight with boyfriend: Kiss my ass. No, kiss my pussy while it's bleeding, like you used to.
--Washington Heights
Girl on cell: He said he wouldn't leave until I kissed him... so I kissed him while I was on the toilet!
--115th St & Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Wednesday One-Liners Are Footloose
Guy: I don't think people are ready to do the Charleston, yet. Because it's so spiritual, you know?
--Grand & Mulberry
Overheard by: Trey Givens
Guy with fliers: Ladies, come on in and meet your future husbands. They'll be the ones dancing on the poles.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Too young to marry strippers
Guy: What? Bar None? Bar None is just a whorehouse with a dance floor.
--12th and 3rd Ave
Black dude: Damn, girl, you so fine you'd make an African in a canoe with a spear wanna jump up and dance!
--2nd Ave & 11th
Overheard by: gneumatic
Poorly-dancing Asian guy: I feel really Latino when I'm dancing to Spanish music.
--Gonzalez y Gonzalez, Broadway
Overheard by: javster
Dorky college freshman: Dude, I totally blacked-out last night... Last thing I remember I was dancing with her mom.
--1 train, Times Square station
Overheard by: Gnomar the gnome
Post-Literate Wednesday One-Liners
Bum to man stumbling while reading Hamlet: Yeah, that's right, Hamlet. That's what you get for killing Polonius that way, you son of a bitch.
--W 43rd
Overheard by: Richard Harrington
Pious woman: And when he said to take out our Bibles, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know it was BYOB!
--18th & 10th
Overheard by: Owen
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm at terminal four. Did you bring a dictionary? No? Oh, shit!
--Air Shuttle, JFK
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guy: I totally want to spoon with Amy Guth, but like, her novel is so fucking weird she'd probably have to kill me first.
--Subway platform, Columbus Circle, 59th St
Overheard by: Karen Birchman
Fat lady: No, no, I was full when I got to the library, and then -- I was empty.
--W 66th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Old hippie on phone: Don't worry about how much time you have -- I read this book on string theory that says time is just a human construct and means nothing at all. [Pause] No, I won't be able to make it there on time.
--Pizza Place, Waverly & Mercer
Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1
I'm Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner
Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That's what comes from being in America!
--Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st
Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, 'Listen, you're in America now.'
--Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle
Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she's naked, don't go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.
--Bedford St & W 4th
Overheard by: Birthday Boy
Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!
--Uptown 6 train, Wall St station
Overheard by: gay among hardhats
Guy: It's an old American name, like in the Bible.
--A train arriving at 59th St
Overheard by: IanM
Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn't have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I'm an American! I'm a fucking New Yorker!
--23rd & Park
Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!
--Apple store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Our Wednesday One-Liners, Ourselves
Woman conductor: Take all of your personal belongings and all parts of your body as you leave the train.
--Brooklyn-bound D train
Bronx woman: I do not have 'cheeseburger' written on my forehead.
--Parkchester, Bronx
Overheard by: walking too fast to hear more
20-something girl to woman praying with legs wide open: When I move over it's so your warm thighs aren't pressed up against mine.
--Downtown A train
Overheard by: lisa l.
Chick: So then he slammed my infected eyebrow right into his crotch. It was terrific!
--Theater, 1st Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
British guy to girlfriend: Can I have your tongue?
--Scruffy Duffy's, 8th Ave
Skinny 20-something: My head swung like a pendulum... I had a brain injury, but it's okay because the part of the brain that got injured -- the doctors are unsure of its function.
--7 train
Overheard by: Holy Crap!
Middle-aged guy lunching with female companions: So... Do you know if there's any other organs on my body that could grow teeth?
--Sushi Samba, West Village
Wednesday One-Liners Have 'Roid Rage
Teen guy: My math teacher says that I should learn this stuff since it's going to be useful, but I told her, 'When I go to college, I'm majoring in Lacrosse.' The coach can hire a tutor for anything else they want me to do.
--Amtrak train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Lacrosse-titute
Conductor: Fourth avenue. Transfer here to the R train on the lower level. The time is 6:36. The score is five-four, Mets. Thank you for riding MTA New York City Transit.
--F stop, 4th Ave
Overheard by: mili
Conductor: And don't forget, you heard it here first: Yankees, five, Detroit, two. Mets... more than the other team. Anyone knows who the other team is, that's good. Mets gonna have more runs than the other team. Next stop, 34th street.
--Downtown A train
Overheard by: Pebbles
Woman on cell: Well, I'm sorry if my commitment to the Mets is not all you had hoped it would be!
--2nd Ave & 82nd St
Overheard by: aislinn
Yankees fan: So they found Lidle's passport... Did they find his pitching arm?
--53rd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: tragedy + 2 minutes = comedy
Guy: This goddamn fucking son of a bitch! Darryl Strawberry just stole a thousand dollars from me!
--Office, 30th St
Overheard by: Bagel
B&T girl: I hate sports. I mean, I don't even know what's going on down there.
--On line for Slate
Overheard by: acep
Wednesday One-Liners Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts
Hipster: And I was like, 'Okay, well, here's some advice for you, then: Why don't you peel a banana and shove it up your ass?'
--Bedford Ave
Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Auston McLain
Girl to guy: I am not shoving anything in your hole!
--LIRR
Overheard by: mish
Middle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.
--5th Ave & Union
Overheard by: Stephen
Woman on cell: You tell him he better pay for it. I better get his money. He needs a dick up the ass, that's what he needs. A fucking dick up the ass. 'Cause I got it. I got it all. So he better fucking pay for it.
--Restroom, JFK
Overheard by: colette
Angry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don't understand religion!
--Empire State Building, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt
Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?
--Chinatown bus
Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.
--3rd Ave
Overheard by: renata
Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn't cover is the sperm!
--20th & 5th
Overheard by: I want to get on her plan
Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.
--1 train
Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.
--5th Ave
NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?
--Waverly & Broadway
Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
And a Kind of Sweater, Right?
Upstate girl: If you thought Geneseo was bad, you should see Angola; there's really nothing out there.
Hipster boy: Angola? That sounds like a disease.
Upstate girl: Well, yeah -- it's an African country.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Greybanks
And They Were All Out of 'Nursing Mother'
Father: So, what are you going as for Halloween?
Daughter: A Hooters girl. I needed a costume where my breasts could be an accessory.
Father: Ah, makes a father proud.
--42nd & 6th Ave
God! The Sense of Entitlement These Kids Have
Teacher #1: What do they want me to do with my students? They expect me to be able to teach them and they are always late or absent.
Teacher #2: Yeah, my students are always getting shot or something and then they want special treatment and a make-up test.
Teacher #1: Yeah, I know what you mean -- they must be gang members.
--86th & Broadway
She's in British Columbia Denial
Girl #1: My brother drives between Alaska and Colorado once a year. It's a really long drive.
Girl #2: Wait... I thought Alaska wasn't connected to America.
Guy: It's connected to Canada.
Girl #2: So, there's like, a bridge?
Guy: No. It's connected to Canada.
Girl #2: No, it's not! It's an island. Canada breaks up over there.
Guy: I swear to god, it's connected to Canada.
Girl #2: No!
--Coffee shop, Mercer & 3rd
That's It -- a Bicycle!
Teen girl #1: Is it weird that I'm usually more horny when I'm on my period?
Teen girl #2: No. I am, too.
Teen girl #1: I mean, it's really icky to masturbate, though, because blood and shit gets everywhere.
Woman on bicycle right behind them, trying to get past: Um, excuse me.
--Park Ave
Either He's Lying, or He's New to the Job
Passenger: Have you ever run anyone over?
Cabbie: No. Do you want me to try it right now?
--West Village
Essence Of NYC: A Play in One Act
Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn't a fart because it didn't smell, and... It was just really embarrassing.
Bimbo tourist #2: Quip.
Bimbo tourist #1: What?
Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it's called a 'quip.'
Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people.
Stranger: Um, that's not right.
Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir?
Stranger: No, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's saying his name is 'Queef' or something.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef?
Stranger: No... Oh, lord. The sound, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Who's a 'queef'? What's going on?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he's telling us he's gay.
Stranger: I can hear you, and I'm not... What? That's 'queer,' you ingrate!
Bimbo tourist #1: Here's some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something.
Stranger: What?! Does it look like I'm homeless to you? I'm wearing fucking YSL over here... I ain't queer and I ain't homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend's dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word...
Bimbo tourist #1: I'm not following... Is he speaking Cockney or something?
Bimbo tourist #2: I don't know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos?
Stranger: ...I'm not fucking crazy!
Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren't, sir.
Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I'm gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear?
Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was...
Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can't you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway's comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it.
Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god.
Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense.
Stranger, muttering to himself: ... Last time I ever take a subway... Unbelievable shit I put up with... Fucking Civics... Unreliable fuckers...
--L train
Look, Forget I Brought It Up
Male law student: You know who I feel sorry for?
Female law student: Who?
Male law student: A black guy with a small dick.
Female law student: Why?
Male law student: Because the expectations are so much higher.
Female law student: You mean, like, with you it's just expected, right?
Male law student: Not me. I'm hung like... like a black guy.
Female law student: You mean like the black guy who isn't well-hung?
--Brooklyn Law School library
Overheard by: Big Larry
He Doesn't Cope Well with Fever
Black girl: I'm just going to remain celibate until I meet a nice-looking white man.
Friend: Look how fast he's walking away!
--Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mark S
No, I Mean He Stole It
Girl: Mom, I was just watching a TV show, and guess who has your car?
JAP mom: Who?
Girl: P. Diddy!
JAP mom: Ewww, gross!
--54th & 5th
Give Me Some Head with Hair?
Tourist to woman handing out fans promoting Hair: What is this?
Woman: It's, you know, a fan. So you can blow yourself.
--Broadway & 46th
Overheard by: Dain
He Was Lying on a Nearby Rooftop in a Black Ski Mask
Ghetto girl #1: Girl, was he there when you got shot in the ass?
Ghetto girl #2: No!
Ghetto girl #1: Well, was he there when you got shot in the leg?
Ghetto girl #2: No.
--28th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Wasn't there either
Where Art Historians Come From
Kid: Mommy, why are there so many pictures of naked people?
Mother: Because lots of people went naked in history.
--European art section, the Met
Overheard by: nixie
Tomorrow I'm Migrating Back to Brazil
Bouncer: Weren't you here on Saturday night?
Girl: No, I was a caterpillar on Saturday.
--Steinway, 31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Lefty
I Won't Have What She's Having
Loud guy: That's because you have an awesome metabolism.
Loud girl: No, that's because I have IBS.
--Diner
Overheard by: Jackie
Let's Do It Like They Do on the Discovery Channel
Court officer #1: I saw this show on Animal Planet last night. There's this fish called a cichlid -- the female takes her eggs in her mouth and then she nibbles the male's fin until he shoots sperm into her mouth and then she swallows it to fertilize her eggs.
Court officer #2: Where can I get one of these cichlids?
--Livingston & Smith, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
It's Time We Had a Talk about Whiskey
NYU girl #1: God, I keep getting sexiled by my roommate. It's so fucking annoying!
NYU girl #2: So, just have sex so she knows how it feels.
NYU girl #1: I cant -- I'm ugly!
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: Sucksforher
I'm Going to Say... Virgin Until 26
Tween #1: You wanna abort this conversation?
Tween #2: What? Why?
Tween #1: Because we're arguing whether 'haha' or 'l-o-l' is funnier than 'l-m-a-o.'
--42nd & Broadway
Actually...
Southern college girl #1: We're just conversing over here.
Southern college girl #2: The word is 'conversate.' 'Converse' is a shoe!
--Uptown A train
Daoism In Motion
Dude #1: That's awesome.
Dude #2: What? That the subway comes out of the ground?
Dude #1: Yeah... because it's no longer the 'subway.' It's just the 'way.'
--125th & Broadway
Overheard by: 15X
So Then Which One's the Goalie?
Guy #1: It's like catcher and receiver.
Guy #2: No, no. It's pitcher and catcher. Like football.
--B-Sides, Ave B & 12th St
Overheard by: Creiighton
Bow, a Beer, a Redneck Beer; Ray, Your Incest-Begotten Son...
Hick tourist #1: Why don't we get off at the next stop... Bow Ray? Bow Ray?
Hick tourist #2: Bowery.
--Brooklyn-bound J train, approaching Canal St
Overheard by: there's no e in tracy
Headline by: Jatmos
Runners-Up:
· "1 child left behind" - Reekuhhhh!
· "And 'SoHo' Has a Whole Other Meaning Once You've Crossed the Mason-Dixon" - julietaroja
· "From the people who brought you nuc-u-lar" - Krisztina
· "Hicked on Phonics did not work at all" - Darvio Harvo
· "If at first you don't succeed, try the exact same thing again" - Nathan Logan
· "It's never too early for a Steve Irwin joke." - hauptman
· "Same situation, but the passerby would call them "Cletus"" - Julie
· "They should probably take off those white hoods before stepping foot in the poetry club." - erak
· "Tomato, tomater" - Lennyb
· "That sounds kinda gay, Cletus." - Rich Anderson
· "Why didn't we let them secede again?" - Nathaniel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Sadly, the G Train Community Never Fully Accepted Him Again
Hammered 20-year-old, screaming: Yo, I fucked my boss! Yo, I fucked my boss! You ever fuck your boss? [Points to friend] He had to fuck some fat chick and I got my dick sucked all night by my boss! Yo, and she's, like, 30. [Starts humping pole] She was like, 'Uhhh, Jim*, give it to me! Fuck me harder!'
He falls on the floor, rolling around with more manic laughter.
Friend: Yo, shut up. I gotta take this train when I'm sober.
--G train
Overheard by: Please don't look
And in a Way, Aren't We All?
40-something woman: Yeah, I liked that show St. Elsewhere, though.
Tween girl: Was that in a snowglobe?
--Ave A
Overheard by: Cracked Up
This Is the Line Vader Should Have Taken with Luke
Black dude on cell: So I got her pregnant. And she wanted me to care and shit, and I was like, 'I'm a street nigga!' And you know what I'm sayin', 'cause you're one, too. I didn't want to be a father. I even told my son, straight-up! She was some nasty shit -- all mugly in the face; body all fucked-up. But yeah, I was lacing that shit all the way through 1982! Okay, peace out, man.
--E train
Who Told You about Those?
Yuppie mother: Now, what do you want for dinner? Do you want pizza and edamame?
Kid: Hot dog!
Yuppie mother: Well, how about some baked tofu?
Kid: Hot dog!
Yuppie mother: Or maybe some pesto pasta?
Kid: Hot dog!
--M14 bus
Overheard by: eye-rolling art student
Just Back from a Tour as a Guantanamo Interrogator
Mom: You're the mommy.
Little boy: I'm not the mommy.
Mom: You're the mommy.
Little boy: I am not the mommy.
Mom: You're the mommy.
Little boy, screaming: I am not the mommy!
--Little Italy grocery
Overheard by: should i be taking parenting notes?
It Was a Truck Full of Organic Food, Too
Man: So how have you been?
Woman: Oh, it's been crazy. We just got plowed-into by a tractor-trailer. For the second time. It's coming toward us and I'm looking at my husband and I'm thinking, 'He's going to die right here in front of me -- and after all that chemotherapy!'
--Elevator, E 27th St
Overheard by: dr. schadenfreude
It's a Koan
Kid: I've never been to New York City before!
Mom: You live in New York City. This is Manhattan, but you live in New York City.
Kid: Well, I mean I've never been to New York City before.
--42nd & 8th Ave
And What's Labor?
Fashionista #1: Oh my god, look -- white pants after Labor Day -- so trashy.
Fashionista #2: Ew. Yeah.
Fashionista #1: When is Labor Day, anyway?
Fashionista #2: I don't know.
--SoHo
A Fellini Film
Hobo to unconscious friend: Yo man, let's get some coke! I don't be playing, let's get some coke! [Two minutes later] Psssh, ain't no such thing as a good kid. All them fucked up. Yo man, you look like Barry White. Anyone ever tell you that? [No response.] Stupid. [Reaches into his plastic bag and pulls out a clown mask which he puts over his face.]
--LIRR waiting area
Overheard by: pretending my train just arrived
I Have People Who Do that for Me
Pope: So you said 300 percent return?
Bee: Definitely, man -- 300 percent!
Pope: So I'll have my people call your people.
Bee: Yeah, let's have our people talk.
Pope: My people will totally be in touch with your people, man.
Bee: Okay, dude. Then let's get high.
--Halloween party, Brooklyn
Flier: 'Make Big Bucks as an Organ Grinder!'
Chinese man in rice hat passing out fliers, to man's spaniel: Monkey, monkey, monkey.
Fat, bald owner to dog: Don't talk to him.
--W Houston & Thompson
Overheard by: J&M
Rumsfeld: At Gunpoint, if Need Be
Professor: Most democracies usually don't go to war with other democracies.
Student: Then all countries should become democracies, right?
--Political Philosophy class, Baruch College
Overheard by: Beerinder
Julie London?
Tween girl: It so smells like London out today.
Hippie chick: What does London smell like?
Tween girl: Really damp.
--10th St & Greenwich
Overheard by: Intimidated by children
Dear Sir: I Have Much Candy in a Nigerian Account
Chick: Do you have your Halloween costume yet?
Dude: Yeah, I'm gonna be Spam... but not the salty kind!
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: sophia johannah zuckerman pogoff's friend emi
Just Remember the 'Right-Hand Rule'
Chick: I think James* hit on me but I'm scared because I don't know what his orientation is.
Dude: He's Caucasian.
--Pace University
He Also Blew the Whistle on Big Tobacco
Hipster girl on cell: Kim, I'm such a spaz! I forgot it was Wednesday, and I forgot I was supposed to meet you for lunch. So I'm on the Upper East Side and --
Black guy yelling: No, you ain't! You at Union Square, bitch!
Hipster girl on cell: --Sorry. I'm on the Upper East Side and I don't have time to go downtown right now.
--Union Square
And I'm a Mets Fan
MTA personnel: I'm sorry, sir, the first three cars are for passengers with special needs.
Drunken Mets fan: My ass hurts.
--7 train platform, Willets Point, Shea Stadium
Overheard by: UptownGirl
Yet Another Drawback of Abstinence-Only Education
White guy to girl: You know both these guys are Muslim, so don't piss them off. Muslims don't care if they die because then they'll get 72 virgins.
Muslim #1: It's not 72 virgins, it's 45 virgins.
Muslim #2: I thought it was 40 virgins.
White guy: But a Muslim person told me that it was 72 virgins.
Muslim #1: What are you gonna do with 72 virgins, man?
White guy: The same thing you're gonna do with 45 virgins, but I would get tired of telling them what to do.
--MetroTech, Lawrence St
Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan
Through the Beaded Curtain
Boyfriend: What are you looking for?
Girlfriend, looking at signs above aisles: 'Rectal.'
--Target, Atlantic Center
Why, Are You Holding?
Girl: You can totally wait until Christmas break to have your baby.
Eight months preggers: Are you high?
--Near Columbia University
I'm Just the Sous-Chef
NYU student: What's on that pizza?
Dining hall employee: Meat.
NYU student: What?
Dining hall employee: And tomato.
NYU student: Chicken?
Dining hall employee: No, tomato. Tomato!
NYU student: Yeah, but what's the meat?
Dining hall employee: Meat.
NYU student: What kind of meat?
Dining hall employee: Meat. I don't know. Meatloaf.
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: sjhaughty
They Left the Scouts Under the Table
Old lady # 1, crossing the street: Will you help me?
Old lady # 2: Yeah, yeah -- I'll help you.
Old lady # 1: I am very drunk.
Old lady # 2: Yeah, I drank a lot, too.
--78th & York
Overheard by: I hope I'm still getting drunk when I'm that old
Howie: I Was Young, I Needed the Money!
40-ish white collar: Did you ever see that video on the internet where a woman blows a horse and she gags when he cums?
30-ish blonde companion: Ewww, no.
40-ish white collar: How about that video where this bald guy who looks like Howie Mandel inserts his entire head into this woman's giant vagina?
30-ish blonde companion: No, I would have remembered that one.
40-ish white collar: Don't you keep up with culture?
--Waiting in line to see Martin Short in Fame Becomes Me
Overheard by: Big Larry
How He Convinced Her that Semen Is Brain Food
Man: I'll give you 10 bucks if you can tell me what baseball team is popular in Philly.
Woman: Duh, it's the Red Sox! ...What? Boston is in Philly.
Man: Sweetie, Boston isn't in Philly.
Woman: Don't lie to me, you know how easy I fall for things!
Man: But Boston is in Massachusetts.
Woman: That's what I said!
--E 23rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
I've Sucked Those Toes, So I Know!
Chick: Look, I didn't paint my toenails red after you made that comment.
Guy: Good, because the only girls who do that are selling their ass on the street.
--14th St & 7th Ave
I Don't Know Why I Bother to Leave Lesson Plans
Substitute teacher: How do you spell 'attendance'?
Student: Oh, why? Are you doing a crossword puzzle?
Substitute teacher: I'm taking attendance; what the fuck do you think I'm doing?
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Never Missed a Class
And All Those Michael Moore 'Documentaries'
Guy #1: Are you gonna go see Saw 3?
Guy #2: Nah, I'm not into movies like that.
Guy #1: Why not?
Guy #2: I'm more into dramas -- you know, movies where you can actually believe that what's happening is real. Like Superman.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Don Willmott
Dad Works for Greenpeace; Mom Drives a Hummer
Woman: See, now we've missed our train.
Little girl: Well it's not my fault, it's yours.
Woman: Of course, just like everything else.
Little girl: Especially global warming.
--ACE subway, W 4th
Wait 'Til He Sees a 'Question Authority' Sign
Little kid: What does this say? What does this say?
Nanny holding a card: It says right here, 'Children must behave in here.'
Little kid: Oh man, this means that we have to behave now!
--Tea Lounge, Boerum Hill
And They Say Romance Is Dead
Queer #1: I can't believe he did that.
Queer #2: What? If you wanted me to pee on you, I would. That's how much I love you.
--Greenwich Ave & Perry
Overheard by: John
His Translation Captures the Spirit of the Original
Chinese girl: [in Chinese] Your luck just ran out.
Black girl: What the fuck did she say?
Chinese passerby: You are fucked.
--W 4th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ting
What America Thinks New Yorkers Do All Day
Hipster #1: You should spring that question on him one night and see what he says. I bet he'd be like, 'What the fuck? Are you kidding me?'
Hipster #2: You mean ask him to stick his thing in my butt? Would he be down?
Hipster #1: I don't think so. One time I was like, 'Man, I need to fuck some girl in the ass pronto-tonto!' He was like, 'Dude, that's gross!'
Hipster #2: I thought most dudes wanted to do that.
Hipster #1: Well, that was a while ago. He has been living in Thailand and those lady-boys have got to be pretty convincing.
Hipster #2: I'm sure.
Hipster #1: He could be 'warmed-up' to the occasion. Just get him shit-faced off his rocker.
Hipster #2: I don't want to stick anything up my butt unless someone really wants it badly, and I certainly don't want it to be messy -- that shit can hurt if it's not inserted properly.
--In front of Gagosian Gallery, Chelsea
Overheard by: Chelius
Sweetie, 'Labia' Is Plural: We've Talked about This
Mom: Stop scratching yourself down there. Don't do that in public.
Toddler: I can't help it if my labia itches!
--Uptown A train
I Do Have a Revolutionary Unit, Though
Frat boy #1: Dude, are you Karl Marx?
Frat boy #2: Nah, bro. I'm a porn star.
--5th Ave, Brooklyn
At the Male Fantasy Semifinals
Eastern European girl: Jimmy* is a dirty boy.
Asian girl: Really? Why is Jimmy a dirty boy?
Eastern European girl: He said dirty things to me online.
Asian girl: He said dirty things to you online? Like what?
Eastern European girl: I don't want to talk about it right now.
Asian girl: Does he make you uncomfortable?
Eastern European girl: Yeah, sometimes he does -- like, when he tells me to send him pictures of myself with my shirt off.
Asian girl: Does it make you scared?
Eastern European girl: No, I just don't have any pictures of myself with my shirt off.
Asian girl: Then why don't you take some?
Eastern European girl: I don't know.
Asian girl: You know what? I'll help you. I'll go to your house right now and take some pictures of you with your shirt off, and then you can send them to Jimmy, okay?
Eastern European girl: Okay.
--Downtown 6 train
In the Post-Apocalyptic Future, Formal Education Will Make All the Difference
NYU student #1: I think our degrees will definitely appreciate in value over our lifetimes.
NYU student #2: Yeah, dude, especially when the rest of the world is destroyed and New York becomes Mega City One.
--Juan MacLean concert, Union Square
Overheard by: deke shearon
She Was Quite Modest about It, Too
Teenybopper #1: Ugh... I hate those overly-proud Hispanics!
Teenybopper #2: They drive me insane! They're like, 'Oh my god, Papi, 100 percent Boricua! Holla at me!'
Teenybopper #1: Why can't they speak good English?
Hispanic woman: I believe you mean to say, 'Why can't they speak English well?'
Teen boy: Owned!
--L train
Overheard by: Laughing to myself
We've Got a Nice Cut from the Ass
Old gentleman: What is venison?
Waiter: You know the movie Bambi?
--Falai Restaurant, Clinton St
Overheard by: trying to keep the wine from squirting out
Remember that Seagull We Fed You on the Island?
Hipster #1: I've always wanted to taste people-meat, you know?
Hipster #2: What? Dude, that's sick!
Hipster #1: No, I mean, like baked or fried. Like, maybe we taste like chicken, you know?
Hipster #2: Nah, man.
Hipster #1: I don't know. Just to say I did it.
Hipster #2: Yeah, I guess.
--15th & 2nd
Overheard by: Jane
Try These Bitter Almonds While I Elaborate
Student: I don't know why, but I've been thinking about this a lot, and maybe you could, like, help me out and clear this up or whatever. So, what about death and stuff?
Philosophy professor: That's a great segue...
--NYU
He's Gay on His Mother's Side
High school girl #1: So he is definitely going to turn out gay.
High school girl #2: Come on. He is not going to be gay. You just think that because he is a nice, well-dressed boy.
High school girl #1: Um, exactly.
High school girl #2: Well, he is Asian! All the guys in Asia wear makeup!
High school girl #1: Stop talking. He's only half-Asian. And gay.
--Broadway
She Can Chug and Do Stand-up!
Skinny, black charity mugger: Hey, look at you! Help feed the homeless!
Chubby white chick: No, sorry.
Skinny, black chugger: You, feed the homeless!
Chubby white chick: Sorry, no thanks, I'm late.
Skinny, black chugger: You big enough to feed the homeless!
--Broadway & 10th
Overheard by: booksandlibretti
King: I'll Take the Hooker, Thank You
Teacher: If you were convicted of murder, who would you send to ride to the king to get a pardon?
Student: A rider.
Teacher: Can you spell that? Do you mean a 'writer'?
Student: R-I-D-E-R -- someone who is good with horses.
Teacher: So what is important is his sportsmanship?
Student: Maybe a servant? A friend of the king?
Teacher: What is one of the oldest professions?
Student: A prostitute?
Teacher: A lawyer!
--New York Law School
From the Mommie Dearest Deleted Scenes
Girl: Do you think I should have a party?
Mother: No, no one would come.
Girl: Why not?
Mother: Because you smell.
--Jamba Juice, Times Square
As Stupid as I Was When I Touched It
Inquisitive 15-year-old: Hey, Mister, you ever touch the third rail?
MTA worker: Now, I don't know you, but I'm gonna call you 'stupid.' You're stupid.
--Queensboro Plaza Station
Overheard by: Sunnyside Up
It's Not Bacon?
Lady #1: Canadia is a continent!
Lady #2: No, Canadia is definitely a state.
--Subway
Overheard by: Cathi
But I've Heard that's Normal
Female doctor: How's your baby?
Male doctor: Oh, you know -- small.
--Beth Israel Medical Center
Overheard by: Blackbuttoneyes
McDonald's Employs Hobo Secret Shoppers to Keep Its Employees on Their Toes
Hobo: One small cheeseburger, please.
Counter girl: One small cheeseburger, anything else?
Hobo: What, they come in sizes now?
--McDonald's, 47th St
Overheard by: Jessica
The Silence of the Lamb Chop
Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can't talk that much either 'cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn't she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That'd only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, 'cause, I mean, who's ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?
--Deli, 42nd St
Headline by: Emilio Lizardo
Runners-Up:
· "And They Called Her Howdy Pooty" - Sean
· "Charlie McCarthy Does Dallas!" - Mary Beth Hanlon
· "How many 'likes' does it take to get to another orgasm?" - Maggie Mae
· "I never knew smoking pole could cause lung cancer" - Matt T
· "If Helen Keller did porn" - Em
· "She's Not Bad, But I Can See Her Lips Moving" - Dan
· "That's not all she's faking" - CoolPapaZ
· "Those screeching sounds come from her other set of lips" - Nick. D.
· "You know what else turns me on? Leprosy" - Steve
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No One Can Sustain that Indefinitely
Biotech: Does anybody want my college brochures? I got them today, but I'm not going to any of them, so does anybody want them?
Queer: Yeah, I want them.
Biotech: You can't have them. They're all about all-girl schools. You're not a girl, so you can't have them.
Queer: Come on! Let me have them!
Biotech: No! To go to this school you have to have a vagina, and unless you have a sex change in the next three months, you're going to miss the deadline anyway!
Queer: Just let me have them!
Biotech: Oh yeah! I forgot! You do have a vagina!
Queer: Oh yeah? Well, you were born with a tail!
Biotech: A ponytail!
Queer: Only because your dad is a horse!
Biotech: I guess you'd know because your mom is always riding him!
Queer: Just let me see the college brochures.
--N 5th
Throw on Some Parliament and I'm Up for Anything!
Chick in stall: Would you ever eat cereal out of my mouth?
Friend in next stall: Well, if I had that background music... Yeah, sure.
--Bathroom, Joe's Pub
Plus, the Cops'll Arrest You. True Story
Kid, as blind woman passes by: You know why you should never jump a blind person?
Friend: Why?
Kid: One, they could fight back like Daredevil. Two, it's just cruel. And three, you can't hit 'em in the face 'cause they're used to it. All fallin' down the stairs all the time...
--6th Ave & Spring St
Overheard by: connor
Wednesday One-Liners in Babeland
Woman on cell: Putting something inside you that vibrates is sort of like being at a construction site. I'm still getting used to my vibrator, too...
--Herald Square
Overheard by: GG
Geeky chick on cell: Sheesh, you're just wearing her gloves, not reusing one of her condoms!
--4 train
Man on cell, paddle-boating with girlfriend: Hey, man! Yeah, I'm with my whip on the lake -- she's paddling me around!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Beauty on cell: Fuck you! What about the Astroglide? Fuck you! What about the rubbers? Fuck you, you asshole! Fuck you! Fuck you!
--W 4th St
Overheard by: cato
30-something lady on cell: I have told you: I am absolutely not going to wear that outfit when I have sex with you. I mean it!
--8th and 36th
Suit on cell: So they gave me this amazing cream for my burn that made my skin amazingly soft -- you know, like Astroglide.
--80 Central Park West & 68th St
Overheard by: Ray Zinbran
Teacher: We need our high-power sexual devices!
--Brooklyn Tech
Parapraxic Wednesday One-Liners
Guy: I had to swallow... The whole thing!
--9th Ave & 44th St
Big guy: Did I tell you? The other weekend I caught Jack's sausage!
--Duane Reed, Jackson Heights
Queens
Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair
Girl, on firefighters packing equipment: Man, there's a lot of hose out there!
--Hanover Square
Customer: If I'm going to pay 20 dollars for a piece of meat, the least they can do is give me something to wipe my face with.
--45th & Madison
Overheard by: madnyc
One mother to another, both pushing strollers: He just won't suck on anything else!
--5th Ave between 8th & 9th St
Park Slope
Overheard by: Wankrupt
Dad instructing child: You kind of have to use your tongue to lap it up into your mouth.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: vm
Twelve-year-old girl on phone: There's really a lake called Titty CaCa!
--8th Ave &16th St
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Make Change
Greyhound driver, on rest stop time limits: I'm not supposed to lose people along the way... but I do.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Lost
Bus driver: I'm movin', I'm movin'! Jesus, all these people are in a hurry to go nowhere. They're just going to go home and watch TV! That's all New Yorkers do, is go home and watch TV!
--Gray Line downtown loop bus
Overheard by: keri
Bus driver: If your child is over 36 inches tall, you must pay full fare for him. If you are more than 30 years old, live with your parents, and don't pay rent, you must pay for everyone else on the bus. Next stop: Brooklyn Hospital.
--B38 bus
Overheard by: Nathan
Bus driver: If it weren't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all.
--M31 bus
Overheard by: Suze V.
Commuter bus driver: Attention riders: we are now arriving at Port Authority. To the students who ride this bus, you must show your ID. If you do not want to, that is no problem -- find another way into New York City. Everyone, please gather your belongings, and have a nice day.
--Port Authority
Bus driver: This is the bus to Long Island Jewish Hospital. That will be the last stop. We aren't there yet. For those of you who are going there, sit back and relax and I'll alert you when we've reached the pearly gates of Long Island Jewish.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: SuziQ
Bus driver: Good morning, everyone. Today's my first day... my first day, y'all! And guess what happens in eleven years? I will retire. That's right: retire. There's all the big guys meeting at the UN this morning, so traffic's crazy. Please, folks, be nice to me. I'm just drivin' my bus. Is anyone late for work? Well, I sure am twenty minutes late with my bus. Ah, one person late. Come on up here and I'll get you a cab... I said get you a cab, not pay for one!
--M4 bus
Wednesday One-Liners Miscegenate Whenever Possible
Deranged woman to tranny friend: I am not a white woman. I do not take the yolk out of my eggs!
--14th St
Overheard by: Melanie from Queens
Homeless woman to white man holding white girlfriend's hand: You fucking Indian faggot!
--Court St & Dean St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Adam
White girl: He's my favorite person in my building, because he's ethnic.
--F train
Overheard by: djingo
Man staring at 'Exit' and 'Salida' signs on separate emergency doors: Huh, I wonder if Caucasians are supposed to exit right and Hispanics are supposed to exit left...
--Flight from NYC to Houston
Guy: I love it when Asians get high, because you can't tell.
--Pace University
Overheard by: Pants
40-something Asian lady to daughter: No, it was not mixed race -- He was pure Vulcan!
--Green St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Heather Letzkus
Pretentious young woman on New York neighborhoods: It's all pretty homogenous up around Central Park. Well, I mean, up by 107th street you'll find some black kids on skateboards.
--R train
Overheard by: BrooklynDodgy
Wednesday One-Liners Are Carrying Low
Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she couldn't be pregnant -- I mean, dude, that was last week.
--St. Marks & 3rd Ave
Preggers to male friend: And that asshole came up and body-slammed me on the train platform! Of course, everyone was looking at me like I'm the animal. How can you body-slam a woman who's seven months pregnant and not feel bad?
--D train
Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan
Preggers to lady pushing to get to cupcake table: Lady, I am four months pregnant. Getting between me and those cupcakes is a really, really good way to lose an arm.
--Magnolia Bakery
Snotty actress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my acting type. Her script is so like, like -- pregnant with promise.
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emilia
Girl on phone: No, I can't have sex with you. Because then if I got pregnant I'd have to be like, 'Whose baby is it? Well, let's see -- is it black, white, brown...?'
--Grand Central Station
British mother to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was pregnant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That's why you're mad about buns. [To daughter] And that's why you like brown things.
--Varick & King St
Young woman to friends: And she keeps getting pregnant, and I'm like, 'Stop it, woman!'
--Columbia campus
Overheard by: Cheney
Wednesday One-Liners Are Friends With Tom
Geeky boy: I think I'm having trouble meeting people online because my MySpace page is so intimidating.
Goth girls: [Silence.]
--Eileen's Cheesecake
Girl: Hey, why didn't you Friendster me on MySpace yet?
--46th & 6th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Girl departing with friend: MySpace-message me when you get your new phone! But I'm sure I'll see you before then.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: acep
Nerd: So I broke up with her by changing my MySpace status from 'In a relationship' to 'Single.'
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Adrienne
Ghetto boy: Where the fuck has he been? Fuck. I'm going to hunt that nigger down on MySpace.
--Wendy's, 23rd St
Guido in car full of guidos, taking girl's picture with cell: Hey, girl! Didn't I see you on MySpace last night?
--Hughes Ave & Fordham Rd
Overheard by: Greg
Skinny girl on cell: What? I'm sorry! Listen, you asked! That's what happens when you bend over and you aren't wearing underwear: your pussy definitely ends up on MySpace.
--65th & Lex
Wednesday One-Liners Go To Film School
Drunk girl: I look like a Halloween movie -- like Freddie the 13th. Wait, that's not right.
--PATH train
Overheard by: Juggs Photographer
30-something woman: I've come to realize that there's never going to be a Lloyd Dobbler. There won't be any boom boxes.
--Prospect Park
Hushed female voice during screening of Short Bus: What the fuck does this have to do with hooking up in New York post-9/11? Take this hippie-dippy crap back to Portland! Ewww! God, take your carriage clock and shove it!
--Landmark Sunshine Theatre, Houston St
Middle-aged tourist to husband: They are so dramatic with all of the security here... It's just like a movie.
--Church St, by World Trade Center
UPS Guy: I swear to you, Joey, I seen a lot of movies in my time and this movie is not to be missed. I swear, it's definitely one of the ten best I've ever seen. And I'm a big movie buff. They have it at Blockbuster -- you have to rent it. It's called Nanny McPhee. You got that? Nanny McPhee.
--34th & Broadway
Woman: It's like watching The Sound of Music and The Exorcist at the same time!
--Starbucks, Financial District
Overheard by: Sarah
Guy: That movie had more male pube shots in it than any movie I've ever seen.
--Starbucks, 66th & Columbus
Overheard by: MojoSaves
International House of Wednesday One-Liners
Man: Of course, by this point I've experienced all sorts of international butt-cracks.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: ghilledhu
Fat man: Of course this statue was French-made -- when you look up her dress she's not shaved.
--Statue of Liberty
Checkout lady: Nah, he's third generation. He's not a real Greek, he's a fake Greek.
--Key Food, Astoria
Overheard by: sara n.
Guy: Do you think anyone will notice that I'm French?
--E 8th St & Broadway
British bloke, loudly on cell: Listen, I don't give a shit what time it is over there, you fucking lazy, German sack of shite.
--World Trade Center
Overheard by: alright guv'nor
Lady, about her dog: I think a Mexican family owned him. He refuses to eat anything but rice and beans.
--Diner
Girl on cell: She has this Spanish boyfriend from work who has a girlfriend. But, I guess in Spain or wherever, that's okay.
--Union Square
Overheard by: kelsey
I Got 99 Problems (But a Wednesday One-Liner Ain't One)
Guy on phone: Listen, dude. Whenever you hang out with me again, don't bring your wife. She's a bitch.
--42nd & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Maria
Homeless man on cell: The brother needs to know when to wear a rubber, man. That's some easy pussy. The bitch just needs a crib to bang in.
--Lafayette & Broadway
Queer: That bitch called me and was like, 'I swallowed a bunch of pills.' And I'm like, 'Obviously that shit didn't work, now did it -- if your ass is calling me? You need to get yourself into the Drano. I'll wait on the line while you do.'
--W 4th & 6th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Gangster girl to gangster boyfriend: I hope I don't have to fight nobody on this train or else I'll go Jet Li on this bitch.
--D Train
Overheard by: Kate
Woman: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please don't hold the doors unless you wanna get bitch-slapped.
--A Train
Overheard by: Josh H
Black man on cell: Alright, you go take a shower and wash that kitty cat real good. [Hangs up] Right, that bitch never fuckin' do nothin'.
--Metro North train to Grand Central
Overheard by: pepepepepe!
Eight-year-old girl trying to catch up to group of girls her age: Wait up, bitches! Wait up, you bitches! [Girls don't wait for her] Beeyotches!
--91st & 2nd
Wednesday One-Liners Are Asstastic
Chubby girl on cell: Hello?! I'm getting a tattoo! What I need to know is: right butt cheek or left butt cheek?
--Elevator, Sulzberger Hall, Barnard College
Lady in cubicle on phone about daughter: She went from looking like a boy to J-Lo in three months, so she's very busy shaking her booty -- it's raw, exposed estrogen.
--Wall Street
Man, to group of other men as thin passerby ignores them: Damn! Don't she know it's illegal for a black chick to have no ass?!
--2nd Ave & 3rd St
Overheard by: Ohiowatha
Attractive teen: My ex-boyfriend used to tell me that I couldn't talk about anything that had to do with my ass. He was, like, anal about it and would say all the time, 'Don't you talk about your ass, it's going to completely turn me off -- I don't want to hear about it.'
--2 train
Overheard by: Talia
Man on cell: I remember -- we just got my rear end replaced.
--University
Overheard by: Asinine
Chick on cell: Eeyore's butt -- where is it?!
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Man on cell: And she said, 'You're pretty cute for a garbage man,' and then she grabbed my ass.
--Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: Kat
Wednesday One-Liners Hallah Back
Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody's Jewish.
--Dobbin & Norman
Overheard by: Sam Tresler
Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you're not Jewish, you're, like... Jewish.
--Post-Yankees game on B train
Overheard by: Indiana
Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: X-tal
Lady suit: Are you saying you'd rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?
--18th & 6th
Overheard by: emily
JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!
--71st & Columbus
Overheard by: DebDan
Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there's food around I have to eat it -- even if I'm not hungry.
--Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Em
Queer: No, like, of course you're not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: hilla
Wednesday One-Liners from the Hobogenous Zone
Homeless lady to another: So you're a certified drug addict, right?
--23rd & Broadway
Homeless man with bag: Ladies and Gentlemen, I have this Liz Claiborne pocketbook for sale. A 60-dollar value for 35 dollars. [Pause] I have this pocketbook for sale. A 50-dollar value and I'm selling it for only 40 dollars. [Pause] Anybody got change for a five? Ladies and Gentlemen, I got a Claiborne bag valued at 80 dollars but I'm sellin' it for 25. Man, this is a nice bag. If you people don't buy, I'll just keep it for myself.
--Brooklyn-bound N train
Overheard by: Jennifer
Hobo: But I made a huge mistake, see? I spent eight dollars and 92 cents on Arm and Hammer!
--84th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex
Homeless guy: Valet service, right here! Valet service!
--Pelham Bay Station
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Hobo to hot chick: Wow! You're the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life!
--Broadway & 116th
Rapping panhandler: I accept cash, checks, food stamps, benefit cards, money orders...
--Downtown 1 train
Street bum: [To no one] I'll be back right after these messages.
--Bleecker & Elizabeth
Overheard by: al b
God: Say My Name! Say It!
Teacher: Do you know who the Evangelists were?
Student: Weren't they, like, God's bitches?
--Parson's Art History class
I Forgot You Have to Chop the Person Up First
Chick: Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?
Dude: Yeah, you tried to pack me in a suitcase once.
Chick: Oh, yeah! And you wouldn't get in!
Dude: Yeah.
Chick: Yeah...
Chick erupts with nervous laughter.
--Uptown 6 train
Overheard by: kelsey
So You Get Dibs on the EKG
Man, while snatching last seat on train: Sorry lady, I got a broken foot.
Lady: So? I've got a broken heart.
--Uptown 6 train
But Don't Tell Her I Said That
White girl: I don't get that girl. I just don't like her.
Black boyfriend: Why?
White girl: Because if I don't like someone, I tell them. Straight at their face, I'm like, 'I don't like you.' But she be talking behind people's backs and shit. It's not cool, yo.
Black boyfriend: Yeah.
White girl: And she thinks she's ghetto, but she's not. We ghetto -- she's not.
--Uptown C platform, 34th St
That and Watch a Lot of Daytime TV
Girl #1: Oh my god! I haven't seen you in ages!
Girl #2: I know, it's been a while -- you look great!
Girl #1: You do, too! Your hair has grown a lot since I last saw you.
Girl #2: I know what you mean -- it's all it does.
--E 86th St and Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
Can Extreme Sports Be Far Behind?
Hipster #1: He was just ghetto. I walked in and there were Mountain Dew bottles on every surface. Ghetto.
Hipster #2: Mountain Dew is ghetto?
--Grammercy Park
He Spent the Whole Month High at Malibu Grand Prix
Black dude: Word, son. It didn't rain the whole time I was in California. No rain for a whole month. There was sun and clouds -- you would love it. The roads are crazy -- driving there is mad good, yo. They're all big and you can speed and the cops won't pull you over because there is so much other illegal-- well they got all those illegal aliens, the eses and pisanos.
Friend: Word?
Black dude: But they don't have stop signs. Like, you know, in New York they got those big red stop signs, but in California it's all written on the floor.
--Q Train
The Unified Ashley Theory Was to Make Maya Famous
Ghetto girl #1: Yeah, 'Ashley' is a popular American name.
Ghetto girl #2: The only girls I know named 'Ashley' are skinny white bitches.
Skinny white girl sitting next to them: Uh, that's my name.
--Downtown 3 train
The Last Sensible eBay Decision She Will Ever Make
Woman: I'm going to become such an eBay addict.
Friend: Yeah?
Woman: Well, maybe I should wait until I know if I got the job.
--43rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Beeeej
Except When I Have to Take Off My Pants in Front of Girls
Dad at hockey game: Wow, there's like no black people here.
20-something son: Yeah there are, Dad. They're selling stuff and cleaning bathrooms.
Dad: Aren't you glad you weren't born black?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Deb
No More X for You Tonight
Chick: There sure are a lot of old people in this line.
Boyfriend: No they aren't, baby. Do you mean Asian?
Chick: No! I know the difference!
--53rd & Lex
Overheard by: Emily
The Secret Depends Consumer
Dude: I haven't had sex in a year.
Chick: Really?
Dude, entering crowded subway: I'm gonna cum in five seconds.
--Downtown 6 train
Ellie Was Branded As Ambitious Early On
Grade school girl #1: Why are you so upset?
Grade school girl #2: People at school think I like three boys! Do you know what that does to my reputation?!
--Outside the elementary school, 76th St
Just When I Thought Nothing Could Shock Me Anymore
Biotech: Me and all my sisters went to that bitch's house.
Friend: Did you all fight?
Biotech: My sister was like, 'You're not fighting, you're having a baby!' I told her, 'What the fuck? I'm killing it tomorrow.'
--7th St & 8th Ave
Pentagon: Why Didn't We Think of That?
Ghetto kid #1: Yo, Cam'ron be doin' some gay shit!
Ghetto kid #2: Nah, but he always calls 'no homo' so it's aight.
Ghetto kid #1: So if Cam'ron asked you to suck his dick 'no homo,' would you?
Ghetto kid #2: Well, if he called 'no homo...'
--B9 bus, Ave M
Doctor's Gonna Put 'em on Her Back
Man #1: I'm thinking of buying boobs for my wife for her birthday.
Man #2: Oh really? That's great.
--38th & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Victoria e.
I Am Now
Slutty girlfriend: You're too thick for me to properly give you head, though.
Moron boyfriend: You callin' me stupid?
--Fordham University
...Which Is Lick Delicately Around My Anus.
Frat guy #1: I'm totally into gay guys right now.
Frat guy #2: You're into gay guys?
Frat guy #1: No, man, not like that. Like, I really respect gay guys right now.
Frat guy #2: Why?
Frat guy #1: I just really think it's cool how they do what they do.
--Barnes and Noble
Overheard by: Molly
Since the Time of the Mound People
Man #1: Why is it so hard to get it passed, anyway?
Man #2: That's the law in the United States, man. It's been that way for thousands of years.
--Outside bar by Penn Station
Overheard by: craig
Probably a 'Small Load' Joke on the Way
Suit #1: So we're getting really into it, and all of a sudden her roommate walks in and acts all normal, like nothing's going on!
Suit #2: What do you mean?
Suit #1: They started having a fucking conversation! About the laundry!
Suit #2: Shit.
Suit #1: And I'm like, 'Uhhh, lady, I'm in the middle of dicking this broad -- can you stop talking about fucking dirty socks for a minute?'
--N train
Overheard by: Roger
If He's That High, It Won't Make Any Difference
Hippie #1: Is that Trey Anastasio from Phish?
Hippie #2: No, man, that's a streetlight.
--Church St & Cortlandt St
Overheard by: The Faker
But Your Shift Isn't Over 'Til Five
Stoner dude #1: Dude, I wonder why they call it 'Starbucks...' It's not, like, in the shape of a star.
Stoner dude #2: I don't know. Let's leave and get stoned.
Stoner dude #1: I'm up for that.
--Starbucks
Headline by: nicole
Runners-Up:
· "And Don't Get Me Started On the PuPu Platter" - Dank
· "As heard on the floor of the United States House of Representatives" - Syd O
· "Because 'Queequeg's' Just Didn't Have The Right Ring To It" - Toon
· "But I'm still waiting for my Mary Jane Macchiato" - Jim C.
· "English Majors in Action" - ed
· "Star-glazing" - timmm
· "Stephen Hawking and Stephen Jay Gould: The Early Years" - Russ Wall
· "That Ahab could have used a spliff" - Kevin
· "The coffee's for my glaucoma, I swear." - Dave
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
This Drug Dealer Is Obviously Lost Trying to Find NYU
Guy on bike: You look like you might need some help. [Hands student a business card] I mean, I can help you.
Student: What?
Guy on bike: Uh, ummm, I sell weed.
--Columbia University Campus
Overheard by: Mike Schwartz
Hey, If You Can't Stand the Melting, Get Out of the Pot
Arab cabbie yelling at man on bike: Motherfucker!
Woman on side of road: Nice language, towel-head!
--Near Rockefeller Ice Rink
It May Have Taken Your Coat
Drunk lady: Have you seen my coat?
Girl wearing fake moustache: You didn't bring a coat.
Drunk lady: Yes, yes I did, I had a coat. I put it right over...
Girl wearing fake moustache: No, I'm sorry, ma'am, you didn't bring a coat.
Drunk lady: I know I brought a coat -- I can't find my coat!
Girl wearing fake moustache [hula-hooping her hips and pointing to her crotch]: Sometimes my vagina goes like this.
--Red Rock West
Overheard by: rachel
Like the Country, They Ended up Turning to the Right
Stoner dude #1: Which way is it?
Stoner dude #2: Hold on. Hold on! I need to grapple with the political implications of this pickle.
--Canal & Bowery
First, Though, I Have to Explain About Taxes
Little kid after 'death' mentioned in movie: Dad? What's death?
Dad: [Silence]
Little kid: Hey, Dad?
Dad: I'll tell you after the movie.
--Downtown movie theater
Overheard by: Dylan
Why People Move to Manhattan
Chick #1: Would you go somewhere just to spite someone?
Chick #2: Oh, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't, but people could go somewhere just to spite someone.
Dude: I would totally go somewhere to spite someone.
--Elevator, 57th & Lexington
Overheard by: Chris H.
Next Time, I'm Drawing the Line at Diapers
Chick: So how was the baby shower?
Guy: It was nice. My mother decorated it -- there were hanging diapers everywhere and shit. It was cute.
--N train
Overheard by: tanechka
They Both Missed Their Stop
Old lady: Are you getting off at this stop?
Guy: The train hasn't stopped yet.
Old lady: I know, but I want to be ready when it does.
Guy: Don't worry, you'll be ready.
Old lady: Yeah, but you're a lot bigger than I am.
Guy: I'm not going to block the door.
Old lady: Yeah, but I'm carrying a lot heavier bags than you are.
Guy: You should get a cart.
Old lady: You should get a donkey!
Guy: A donkey? I'll consider it.
--N Train approaching Queensboro Bridge
Overheard by: Laughing N Train
The Scourge of Poetry
NYU chick #1: So in my class today we were talking about eunuchs -- you know, like from the middle ages and shit -- and whenever I hear 'eunuch,' I think of Munich, like the city.
NYU chick #2: Um... Maybe because it rhymes.
NYU chick #1: No shit it rhymes, but whenever people talk about China do you start to think about a vagina?
NYU chick #2: You're weird.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: thank god i'm not in college anymore
Mine's Named Parasite Hilton
Guy: I was watching a special where Maria Callas lost all her weight with a tapeworm.
Bimbette #1: Having a tapeworm is, like, my dream.
Bimbette #2: Oh, it's easy to have a tapeworm.
--East Williamsburg
Overheard by: mike
Used, But Still Serviceable
Guy #1: What was that guy trying to sell you on?
Guy #2: Judaism.
Guy #1: Oh.
--42nd & Park
She's Actually a Shill for the Cheetah Club
Chick: My husband and I like to go to titty bars in the city. That's why we get on so well -- he likes girls and I like girls.... So, when you hang out with your buddies do you go to titty bars?
Dude: Er, not really -- maybe once we went.
--Radio City Fashion Rocks show
Overheard by: Listening in the line
When You Get So Fat and Wrinkly and Saggy That No One Would Ever Do You Again, That's How You Know It's Over
Old lady #1: Oooh, I'm so cold on this bus! That's why I have to wear this sweatshirt.
Old lady #2: Well, I just wanna know when my heatwave's gonna end. I'm going through the changes.
-- B61 bus
They're Poets, And Yet... They're Unaware Of That Fact
Stoner #1: I'm drunk. And I am high.
Stoner #2: I know you are. But... what am I?
Both stoners: Whoa.
--Bleecker & Thompson
Well, We Know Your Pits Are Sketchy
Hipster girl: Would you say my hair is dirty-blonde or not?
Hipster guy: It looks clean to me.
Hipster girl: I didn't mean the hair on my head.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Brown Carpet and Drapes
...Especially While I'm Using It
Young son: Your penis is bigger than my penis.
Father: I should hope so. [Several seconds later] Don't touch it!
--Big Apple Circus, men's room
Overheard by: Julian
After Five Minutes of Me, You Are Going to Want to Change the Channel
Hispanic male hospital worker: You know what women hate? When men take forever and a day to finish. Let's say the average woman likes five minutes of sex, but he keeps going and going and thirty minutes later she's thinking, 'Hey, let's watch TV.'
Indian virgin hospital worker: We only like it for five minutes?
--Starbucks, 17th & 1st
Not a Good Reason to Drop Out, but the Best I've Heard Yet
Metal chick: Why is it that everyone who goes away to college loves Dave Matthews Band or O.A.R.?
Friend: I don't know, but they both suck.
Metal chick: That's why I left school. I fucking hate Dave Matthews Band.
--Downtown 1 train
When It's Snowing They Inject Heroin Into Their Eyeballs
Black guy #1: Yo man, I hate when it's fucking raining like this.
Black guy #2: Yeah, that's why we got this blunt.
Together: Yeah!
--Duane Reade, W 4th
As Long as We Maintain a Sense of Smug Superiority, We'll Make It
Blonde #1: You know her parents are letting her study abroad next semester?
Blonde #2: Really? Where?
Blonde #1: Ummm, this place that's near, like... Russia. Like, in China?
Blonde #2: Japan?
Blonde #1: No. Well, yeah, Japan's in China, but that's not the one she's going to.
Blonde #2: India!
Blonde #1: No, but oh my god I totally just remembered! It's New Zealand!
Blonde #2: New Zealand's not in Russia, it's in Australia, stupid.
Brunette passerby: I fear for this planet.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: MistressSilver
The First 31 Years Were Just a Blip
Tourist #1: I want a soda, but I don't see it on the menu.
Tourist #2: They don't have soda here?
Tourist #3: I don't see any drinks on the menu at all.
Tourist #1: This place'll never make it without soda.
--Carnegie Deli, 54th & 7th
Overheard by: Sitting at the table next to them, three feet away
And You'll Have a Mustache to Be Proud Of
Chick #1: You shave? You have to show me how to do that!
Chick #2: It's easy! Just remember to always shave down, not up -- never, ever shave up!
--Bathroom, Essex between Rivington & Delancey
Overheard by: disgusted
He'll Grow into Them
Female coworker: So, does your son have dark hair like you?
Male coworker: No, he has sort of sandy hair -- like a cross between me and his mom, Lisa.
Female coworker: Oh.
Male coworker: But, you know, he has big nipples like Lisa.
--NJ Transit train
How Much Time Do We Have?
Guy: So the other night Taryn was over with her kid, and my ex-girlfriend came by and happened to see, and Taryn's baby is really light-skinned, so now my ex-girlfriend thinks I have another kid that I didn't tell her about.
Friend: Did you tell her it wasn't yours?
Guy: Yeah. I already have two kids, I really don't need another one. Why would I keep it from my mom and my dad and her anyway?
--L train
Overheard by: Mina
She Only Feels Well in Even-Numbered Years
Mourner: Hi, I haven't seen you in a long time! How's your mother?
Priest: She's okay. She won't be coming today because she's not feeling well. She just turned 95.
Mourner: 95! She's that old? Holy crap!
-- Funeral Home, Rockaway Blvd, Queens
Overheard by: Les Izzmore
It's Pronounced 'Dumas'
Boy: Oh man, my foot really hurts.
Mom: Well maybe if you weren't such a dumbass it would get better.
--Columbus & 5th
Captain Morgan
Woman: Yeah, you know, my oldest son's father wasn't circumcised.
Friend: Really?
Woman: Yeah.
Friend: What'd it taste like?
--12th St & 5th Ave
Weather Prediction Is Put in More Reliable Hands
Ghetto cashier #1: Hey! Let me read the horoscope!
Ghetto cashier #2, reading The Daily News: The horoscope says it's going to rain today and be really cold.
Old man: And that it's a good day to die.
--Grocery store check-out, W 148th & St. Nick
No, Although We Do Have a Slight Anxiety About Whackjobs Trying to Electrocute Us in Elevators
Lady carrying box: What brings you to the city?
British woman: We're here looking at schools.
Lady carrying box: Well, are you concerned about electromagnetic fields?
--New Yorker Hotel elevator
Overheard by: Alyssa
The Invasion Didn't Stop 'Til She Got to Marsha's DMZ
Hipster chick: I'd like to get my eyebrows done.
Korean woman: You have boyfriend?
Hipster chick: Uh... no.
Woman: No wonder. You have hairy upper lip.
Hipster chick: Okay...
Woman: No worry -- we clean up -- you have many boyfriend.
--Beauty parlor on W 8th St
Overheard by: I just came in for a pedicure
Stupid Leprosy
Little girl: Mommy, what are you doing?
Mother: Rubbing my eyes -- they itch. What are you doing?
Little girl: I'm buttoning my finger.
--University Pl & 11th St
Overheard by: Pat Nich
What's More American Than a Severely Defective Grasp of History?
Mom with teen son: Doesn't looking at that just make you proud to be an American?
Son: Yeah... except for the fact that the Chinese gave it to us.
--Statue of Liberty Ferry
Overheard by: Julia
Prequel to Capturing the Friedmans
Small, nervous boy: Mom, what's necrophilia?
Harried mother: Jesus Christ! I told you not to hang around Uncle Gary unless there's another adult with you!
Small, nervous boy: I didn't! My daddy was there, too!
Harried mother: Oh my god. We're moving back to the Island.
--12th St & Ave B
Oh Wait, That's Just Steven Tyler -- Hi, Steven!
Biotech #1: I hate her, she's so ugly.
Biotech #2: She's a drag queen.
--Trump Atrium Party, 5th Ave between 56th & 57th
Overheard by: Tim
Whereas These Two Are Professional Stupidists
Man: So, like, what's up with her?
Woman: She is sooo a narcist!
Man: What's that?
Woman: When, like, you're happy to see people in pain.
Man: Oh, yeah. She's a total narcist.
--F train
Because Then We Could Sniff Each Other's Butts, and That Would Be Normal
Dude #1, looking at attractive girl walking a dog: I want to be a dog.
Dude #2: Me too.
--2nd Ave & 49th St
And That's Why Some Black People Live in Connecticut
Thug in Navigator: Hey! Where's Brooklyn Bridge at from here?
Guy in car: Uhhh...
Queer in back seat: You're asking three white guys in a Connecticut car? Fuck! You ain't gonna make it.
--Flatbush Ave, off the BQE
Overheard by: TK, third guy from CT who didn't know either
I Want a Piece of That Action!
Seated old guy gesturing across the street to young couple kissing: Why do they keep doing that? They do that every morning!
Old guy walking by: Yeah?
Seated old guy: Every morning!
Old guy walking by: Bah, humbug!
--N5 & Bedford, Williamsburg
Exactly the Response the Artist Was Looking For
Giggling little girl placing hand in butt-crack of a statue: Daddy, look!
Father: Spank it!
--Times Warner Building, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Adam Distler
On Tomorrow's Celebrity Death Match: Vishnu v. Thor
Black Bible-thumper: Jesus will save you! Have you been saved? Praise Jesus!
Passerby: Praise Allah!
Black Bible-thumper: Fuck you, motherfucker! Jesus will kick your ass!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: The Jewish Asian
Nothing but Good Times for Black People Since
Gaggle of black girls shriek on street.
Hipster girl #1: Ew, what happened?
Hipster girl #2: Slavery was abolished.
--Houston & Orchard
Our Gang Gets a Sensual Update
Teen boy #1: Yo, we should go to the bellydancing tree-house today.
Teen boy #2: I hope you meant tryouts.
--Stuyvesant High School
Someone Who Looked into the Abyss of What American Apparel Had to Offer
Chick #1: What'd you do today?
Chick #2: Contemplated suicide.
Chick #1: Who are you?
--American Apparel, Houston St
During the Taping of the Next Real World
Prep #1: I can't believe he cheated on her! That sucks!
Prep #2: I know. It sucks so bad, it's practically ridiculous. I can't think of anything worse than that.
Hobo: I can! The Holocaust!
--42nd and Broadway
I Just Gave Her a Rim Job While She Read Me Stories
Dad: I'm not sleeping with the nanny.
Son: Right, and I totally did not sleep with my fourth step-mommy.
--Gift shop, 42nd St
Overheard by: ears/wide/open
First Person to Say Something Coherent Loses
Man: All I'm saying is that if Jesus was beautiful on the inside, he was beautiful on the outside, so I know he had ladies looking at him.
Bimbette #1: Well, I know everything began in Africa.
Bimbette #2: That's right. You know they have the indentation in Africa where the devil landed? They built a church over it to try to make it holy. I saw it on The Exorcist.
--4 train
She Was One of the People on the Laugh Track in Natural Born Killers
Hipster chick: Do you think New Yorkers are mean, or are we just so jaded we're not fazed by anything?
Hipster dude: I think it's a combination of both.
Hipster chick: Because, well, my friend just found out he has testicular cancer, and he's getting one of his balls removed on his birthday. And I thought that was hilarious. You know what else? Maybe New Yorkers are also whores -- I seriously considered sleeping with him just so I could say I was the last person to see his left ball.
Hipster dude: That's a bit soulless. But it's also a little funny.
Hipster chick: See, really, if you think about it in the right way, everything is funny.
Hobo: You're just a mean whore.
--Bedford & 6th St
Overheard by: Overheard in New York is based on that very concept
It's a Hell of a Town
Man: Excuse me, I noticed you were looking at the Times. Here, you can have mine. I don't think I'll get around to reading it today.
Woman, hugging man lovingly: Thank you.
--Astor Place station
Overheard by: reggae
Unlike Chinese Guys, Where You Have One and You're Hungry 30 Minutes Later
Guy in truck: I'm Italian!
Girl wearing 'I Love Italian Guys' t-shirt: Yeah, go kill yourself! I get that all day!
--58th St
Overheard by: Scottyboy
Headline by: Abartig
Runners-Up:
· ""So, do you have any Italian in ya? You want some?"" - erak
· "Because the "Putana Facile" T-shirt was not working." - cristina
· "But I'm not "in" love with them" - Marc
· "Her "I Fuck Jews" T-shirt Also Sends Mixed Signals" - s h
· "She knows a real Italian will just try to rape her" - cornelious
· "Sibyl: The Dating Years" - Sara
· "The "I love my daddy" t-shirt was even less fun." - Defies Gravity
· "This passes for courtship in New Jersey" - Amanda
· "Veni, vidi, vd" - em
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Perils of Hiring Siblings as Publicists
Girl on cell: I'm looking at your Myspace right now. Change your song. You don't know my brother. You shouldn't have his song on here if you don't know him. He wrote it, he sings it, it's his song. No, I don't care. Take it off. You don't even know him. Well, you better. Like, today. I'll see you on Saturday.
--Great Kills Library, Staten Island
Overheard by: Tracy
But Who Will Prevent Cruelty to Imaginary Russell Simmons?
Skinny black acid-tripper to ASPCA ad featuring Russell Simmons: Yo, I can dance. You can't dance. You don't exist. [Pause.] Yo, what you said? I'll fuck you up!
--near Worth & Mott St
Overheard by: Joe
Nothing Tastes as Good as Childless Feels
Teen boy: I know, all she does is complain about how none of her clothes fit her anymore.
Teen girl: Well, didn't anyone warn her?
Teen boy: About what?
Teen girl: That when you are sixteen and pregnant, you get fat.
--Downtown 4 train
Economy-Class Wednesday One-Liners
AirTran flight attendant over intercom: We hope you ladies and gentlemen had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the windows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.
--LaGuardia
Airline employee over loudspeaker: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Airline loudspeaker, 10 minutes later: Seriously, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Airline Loudspeaker, 10 more minutes later: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Kim
Flight attendant: The captain has advised us that our flying time will be quick, at an altitude of high and a speed of fast.
--JFK airport
Flight attendant: We do encounter bumps between the runway and the gate -- that's not my fault. It's not even the captain's fault. It's the asphalt.
--JFK airport
Flight Attendant: Thank you for flying US Airways, and have a happy... happy... what the hell holiday is this? Columbus? Psssh, that ain't no holiday. Have a good week!
--LaGuardia Airport
American Airline pilot: Ok guys, we're just waiting on some United dude to clear our tail so we can push.
--La Guardia Airport - about to take off
Overheard by: So K
Pilot flying into LaGuardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beautiful, famous downtown skyline of Manhattan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side... [pause, sighing] New Jersey.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: mj kiran
Wednesday One-Liners Are 'Persons of Interest'
Nu-metal kid: Man, I haven't been arrested in so long!
--St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Barrie
Teen boy commandeering speaker: Next stop: Riker's Island.
--Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Victoria
Black tranny to another: Honey, that's the worst thing you can be called up in jail!
--Christopher & Greenwich St.
Overheard by: Walking away even faster
Ghetto mom on phone: If you report it they'll have to arrest the both of us.
--Cablevision office, Brooklyn
Middle-aged wankster: Yo, I rubbed 'Get Money Oil' on my apron one time, and that week I got fired from fuckin' three jobs and I got fuckin' arrested! Don't fuckin' mess with witchcraft!
--Coldstone, 6th Avenue
Overheard by: rpk
Old teacher: Teaching tenth grade isn't so bad. By that time the rotten ones don't bother to show up or they're already in jail.
--E train
Overheard by: jobee
White, mid-40s nerd petting dog: You know, I think it's really funny how a guy can pet a dog and everyone thinks he's the nicest guy in the world, but the second he does it to a stranger on the street, they wanna lock him in jail.
--Marquet Cafe, E 12th St.
Overheard by: Grace
We're Losing the War on Wednesday One-Liners
Blonde on cell: It's not a methadone program! You're on methadone the whole time while you're in there, but it's not a methadone program!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: PNY
Frat boy: It's liquid cocaine, and it's going to be legal for at least another year!
--Lion's Head Bar, 108th & Amsterdam
Dude: You just spray it and then snort it...
--33 W 19th Street
Overheard by: Uh, I never did it like that..
Man on cell: Man, you're always high! Remember that construction job? No, of course you don't -- 'cause you were high!
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Isaiah Tanenbaum
Lead singer: I sweat coke at Bikram Yoga.
--Crash Mansion
Queer on cell: And the one thing I should've been buying myself -- drugs -- he was buying for me.
--23rd & 7th
Overheard by: MR
Attorney on phone: She may smoke pot, but she's absolutely responsible!
--Midtown East
Overheard by: Opie
Wednesday One-Liners Reject the Tyranny of Unrealistic Body Images
Queer: There were so many fat people there... I was, like, breathing fat-air.
--Lafayette & Bleecker
Fat guy, looking at cheese nips: Oh no! I don't want the reduced-fat ones!
--Associated Market, Bleecker & LaGuardia
Latina on train full of Yankees fans and more people boarding: One person getting off and three getting on! Niggas is trying to fit and they fat! If you fat, take the next train! Oh my god! Fuck!
--4 train
Girl on cell: What would a party be without the two of us shaking our thigh fat at each other?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Woman: Skinny motherfuckers! I'm a plus-sized woman! I keep my man warm! I know how to make my man cum! Skinny Motherfuckers!
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: KA
Fat loudmouth: Obesity -- it's in the DNA. And last night, I felt the gene hit me. So I had a tuna sandwich, but I threw away the bread. The gene, it wants me to be fat -- it don't want me to look nice like everyone else.
--Uptown 2 train
Overheard by: Beecals
Realist chick: Yeah, I know how to say 'french fries' in practically every language because I'm a fat-ass.
--NYU Kimmel Center, Washingon Square Park
Overheard by: tj