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December 2006 Archives
American Existentialism in Action
College chick throwing down Waiting for Godot: I just don't get this play at all.
College dude: You want me to teach you to play Minesweeper?
--JFK
Oh. My. God.
Camp leader: Okay, everyone. I think we should all meet at five behind the naked cowboy.
New Yorker camper: John, the naked cowboy is a man.
--LIRR
But It Sounds More Suave When You're Talking to a Logger
Chick: I really have a thing for my TA. I think he's into me. Like, he's giving off all these signs.
Dude: You should totally go up to him and ask if you can see his wood.
Chick: You know, I've done something like that before.
--NYU Route B bus
Overheard by: crackin' up
See How You're Not Any Brighter?
Flight attendant on intercom: If you need any additional lighting, just reach up and press the grey button above your seat.
Passenger presses the 'Call attendant' button.
Flight attendant: That wasn't the grey button.
--JFK
I Keep Letting Them Bite
30-ish lady #1: Did you talk to your therapist about bedbugs?
30-ish lady #2: I only talk to my therapist about bedbugs.
--34th & Madison
Overheard by: K
I'll Probably Cancel My Gourmet Subscription
Chick #1: I'm starving.
Chick #2: I haven't eaten all day.
Chick #1: Do you have issues with food?
Chick #2: No, not really. Well, I tried throwing up after eating for a while, but I wasn't really into it.
Chick #1: So, what do you do now?
Chick #2: I just don't eat.
--Cafe at Bloomingdale's
I Thought It Was a Finless Porpoise
College chick #1: It can't be a muscle. It's not a bicep.
College chick #2: Yeah, but the heart is a muscle, and the heart is an organ. It's both.
College dude: It's an organ. That's why people always say, 'He put his organ in her.' [Passerby turns to look at them] See, that's why I didn't want to talk about this.
--50th St & Lex
Overheard by: Ben
So Probably Was Just Very Tan
Black New Yorker guy and two white tourist ladies have a lengthy conversation about different places to visit in NYC.
Black guy: Okay, ladies, this is my stop. Bye!
White tourist lady #1: Bye! Have a great day! [To friend, as man departs at Astor Place] I didn't feel threatened by him at all. He was actually a very nice man.
--6 train
Though Highly Charged, Peter Proton Was a Terrible Speller
Girl: Are you sure?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Are you really sure?
Guy: Positive. P-O-S-O-T-O-V-E.
--Tiemann Pl & Claremont Ave
Overheard by: FriedF
Thank You Very Much, I'll Be Here until Thursday
Angry rider after missing a stop: Why can't you just pull over? You was only like this far away?
Bus driver: I can only stop at designated stops, I'm sorry.
Angry rider: You could have stopped, you just wanted to be a dick.
Bus driver: Yeah, you would know -- you suck enough of it.
--BX9 bus
Overheard by: Don't know much about it
Later in Life, Roy Could Only Piss on Command
Mother: Do you have to pee?
Little boy: No.
Mother: Yes, you must!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Another mother
Hey, Whatever It Takes to Get Them Out of Diapers
Boy: Mom, why is there a line here and not on the boys' side?
Mom: Girls go to the bathroom differently. You guys can just stand around and pee and make crosses. You know -- how you and Daddy make crosses with your pee-pees?
--Line for women's room, Radio City Music Hall
Should Have Given Up after 'He Was an Aircraft'
Chick #1: Hey! Do you know Stanley?
Chick #2: Stanley...? No.
Chick #1: You know -- he was an aircraft!
Chick #2: What?
Chick #1: That the Russians put into space!
Chick #2: You mean... Sputnik?
Chick #1: Stanley, Sputnik, whatever...
--Union Square
It Must Be a Good One, Look at All the People Going In!
Tourist mother: Where do you guys want to eat?
Tourist child: I don't know.
Tourist father pointing to flashing subway entrance: Look, there's a Subway, we can eat there!
--42nd & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Jen Chick
Didn't Scientists Decide He Was Too Small to Be Considered a Philosopher?
Drunk chick: Let me tell you a quote from Pluto.
Drunk dude: From Pluto?
Drunk chick: Yes.
Drunk dude: Mickey Mouse's dog?
Drunk chick: The Greek philosopher!
Drunk dude: That's Plato!
--Bar, 3rd Ave & 63rd St
Overheard by: All2Often
How Do You Know He Didn't Go to College?
Blonde: Well, I want to visit that country where they speak African!
Redhead: Oh, you want to go to Africa to learn how to speak African? That is so cool.
Black businessman shaking his head: Africa is a continent, not a country, [sighs], and there is no language called 'African.'
Black businessman departs at 34th Street.
Blonde: How's he going to tell me that when we went to college and he didn't? Plus, I heard President Bush call Africa a country in a speech.
--A train, 14th St
Overheard by: LDofHarlem
So I Dumped Him for the Cat
Chick: I bet he's fuh-reaky in the sack.
Friend: Definitely.
Chick: No... Like fuh-reaky... Like, not like normal freaky, how everyone needs to get it once in a while, but, like, weird freaky -- like pulling up your pants and finding the closest exit. Did I ever tell you about the ice cream?
Friend, laughing: No!
Chick: This one time he was like, 'Let's have some fun' and decided to tie me up. And then to, like, build anticipation or whatever, he went and got a bowl of ice cream.
Friend: Shut up!
Chick: I'm serious... And then I guess my damn cat decided he wanted a snack, too!
Friend, hysterical: Shut up! I can't breathe!
--LIRR pulling into Penn Station
I Will Now Cast about for Other Reasons to Dislike Him
Hipster: It's so retarded he would name himself Sean Lennon.
Random dude in track suit: Um, it's his son.
Hipster: Oh.
--Outside Ryan Adams concert, Town Hall, 43rd & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Not A Hipster
They Had to Use a Lot of Viagra
Child: Is this really what the Vikings' houses looked like?
Mother: No, they didn't have wood back then.
--Viking exhibit, Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Trees? What trees?
Rocky: Puke on the One in the Middle
Dude: Do you mean the guy you threw up on?
Chick: Yeah, but not the frat boy, the other one.
--Silver building, NYU
And They Can't Dance, Either
Black woman #1: What is this?
Black woman #2: White people don't know what fried chicken looks like.
--Cafeteria, 17th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
Go, Go Gadget Hydrocar!
Cabbie: Where-to, lady?
Confused tourist: The Statue of Liberty.
--Rockefeller Plaza
What If I Order Those, but You Hold the Cheese?
Cashier: What can I get for you?
Customer: Yeah, I want two Crave Cases with burgers.
Cashier: Will that be hamburgers or cheeseburgers?
Customer: What's the difference?
Cashier: The cheeseburgers have cheese.
--White Castle, 36th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: waiting for the food of the gods
Or on Law & Order: SVU
White girl #1: Shit, did you just see those mounted horses?
White girl #2: No fuckin' way... I can't believe they have them here.
White girl #1: Yeah... In Central Park is one thing, but not in ghetto Brooklyn.
White girl #2: Yeah, the last thing I expected to see here is horses on cops... [Pause] Did I just say 'horses on cops'? I meant cops on horses.
White girl #1: Yeah, I don't think there's ever a need to see horses on cops. Well, except maybe in Jeremy's bedroom.
--Crown Heights, Brooklyn
Overheard by: NancyCz
Similarly with Car 54
Teen girl #1: I didn't know Where's Waldo? could be considered a controversial book.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, because, like... some people can't find him.
--Port Authority
Tepid Breeder Sex Is around the Corner at the Loews
Man: Excuse me, what are you all standing on line for?
Woman: Hot, lesbian sex.
--Waverly IFC, 3rd & 6th Ave
Shit Yourself Once, Shame on You...
NYU student #1: So, you know that part in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where Raph gets jumped by the Foot Clan, and they have to bring him to April's place because he's a turtle, and turtles need water, so they put him in the bathtub?
NYU student #2: Yeah, sure.
NYU student #1: Yeah, they had to do that with her, 'cause she got so fucked up she shit herself.
NYU student #2: Again?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jayso
Thesis Advisor: What Else You Got?
Columbia chick: ... And what I'm really interested in studying is how computers are for us what slaves were to 19th century slaveholders.
Columbia dude: That's very interesting.
Columbia chick: I mean, the way we treat them like commodities...
--Columbia University
Regardless, It Would Be a Great Conversation Piece
Hippie chick: They don't use dryers in that country. I hung them outside.
Ditzy chick yelling over traffic: You what them?!
Hippie chick: Hung... Hung... Like a penis.
Ditzy chick: How do you hang a penis?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Kelly
That's What Everyone Tells Me
Dude: Hey, how are you?
Chick: Good!
Dude: Yeah?
Chick: Yeah... I've been banging everyone, though.
Dude: Yeah.
--Stairwell, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
In That It Involved Me
Preppy boy #1: You went to her Sweet 16, and you didn't know how to spell her name?!
Preppy boy #2: So what? What was the name of that bitch you fucked last night?
Preppy boy #1: Um, I don't know... But it's completely different! Totally different situation.
--Track 130, Grand Central
Overheard by: TheSlyVegan
Actually, He Was Totally Calling You 'Fat'
Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I's just sayin'!
Girlfriend, apologetically hugging him: Aw, you didn't say you was jus' sayin'!
--Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Danial
What the Far End of the Heterosexual Spectrum Butts Up Against
Thug #1: Yeah, me too. I get so much pussy... Sometimes I'm too tired to even fuck 'em all.
Thug #2: Nigga, you gay.
--M4 bus stop, 110th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: High LiferforLife
Find a Healthy Meal on 149th, and I'll Buy You Food for the Next Week
Crackhead: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not here to bug ya'll, but I am here to ask you for some money. If you ain't got money, I'll take food.
Girl: You can have my lunch.
Crackhead: What you got there?
Girl: Steak, rice, and beans...
Crackhead: No, baby, I'm worried about my cholesterol!
--4 train at 149th
And, By the Way, That Emperor Dude Is Naked
Girl #1: Did you know they built the Empire State Building in less than a year?
Girl #2 looking towards WTC site: So why is that still a fucking hole in the ground?
--Cortland St
Overheard by: wondering same
Why Can't I Free Myself from the Spell of Your Charms?
Chick: Oh, come on. It wouldn't be anti-Semitic if she told you to take your Stars of David off her Christmas tree.
Boyfriend, under his breath: Fucking shiksa.
--President St & 5th Ave, Park Slope
Help Me File off This Serial Number
Working girl #1: I love your ring. Where'd you get it?
Working girl #2: It's my grandma's. We just found her will.
Working girl #1: Wait, oh my god, when did your grandmother die?
Working girl #2: She hasn't, yet.
--4/5/6 train, Wall St station
Only Because He Could Do a Back Walkover
Teen artiste #1: Wait until you try to put on a play where your only set piece is your band teacher.
Teen artiste #2: Hey, we had a table!
--Kingsborough Community College
Overheard by: Lotte
You're Not Okay with That?
Limo driver: What are you trying to do?!
Cabbie: Did you not see the other guy, what he was doing? I had to move.
Limo driver: So he tries to kill you, and you move over and try to kill me?
Cabbie: What you want me to do?
Limo driver: So, you try to kill me so you don't die -- you try to kill me, then.
Cabbie: Well, then you have to die.
--7th Ave South & Perry St
Nah, I'd Send in a Designated Hitter
Hot chick walks by in Yankees sweatshirt.
Guy to friend: Dude. Dude, that girl is hot as fuck. I would hit that so hard.
Mets fan nearby: Ouch. Sucks she's a Yankees fan.
Guy: What? Who the hell cares? She could have a fucking penis, and I'd still hit that shit up, down, left, right, and diagonally.
Mets fan: That's kinda gay.
--Times Square
Hell Is When You Get Money and Can't Spend It
Teacher: So in Christianity, if you're good, what do you get when you die?
Ghetto girl #1: Money?
Teacher: No.
Ghetto girl #2: You get to go to heaven.
Teacher: Yes!
Ghetto girl #1: What? Is that a true story?
Ghetto girl #2: No, Tashanda,* that's religion.
--New Design High School
Overheard by: god
Or They Might Have Just Moved Manhattan around It
Hipster teen #1: Dude, where the hell is Madison Square Garden?
Hipster teen #2: Yo, I don't know. My mom said it's over here somewhere. It was right here last time I came!
Hipster teen #1: Dude, they don't just move Madison Square Garden.
Hipster teen #2: Yeah, you never know, though. With all them terrorists and shit, they got to move stuff all the time.
--36th & Broadway
Overheard by: Corrie
Or We'll Never Finish This Haiku
Middle-aged woman: ... And you can't just tell me what you thought of it?
Middle-aged man: I can tell you. I'll tell you in two words: Anal intercourse.
Middle-aged woman: No, no. Give me three words.
--Broadway & 35th, Astoria
Overheard by: Three's a Crowd
And Replaced Them with a Slushy Two
Woman: Did you get off?
Friend: No! The weatherman retracted his 10 inches.
--Times Square
It's Actually a Bus Ride to His Mom's in Hoboken on Sunday
Man on cell: I have to go to Bangkok -- I'm getting a plane out tomorrow. Wait, what day is it today? I'm going Tuesday.
Couple nearby: It's the 19th, a Tuesday.
Man on cell: Is it? I have no sense of time anymore without my computer. Everything is on my computer. Well, I guess I'm leaving Thursday then.
--M1 bus
Overheard by: Coulda sworn it was Monday.
How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Eugenics
Bimbo #1: I just want to move to another state, you know?
Bimbo #2: Yeah, like further south?
Bimbo #1: No, probably Australia.
Bimbo #2: Oh my God, me too! My cousin owns this train station, we could totally go!
Bimbo #1: Nah. I have a date tonight.
Headline by: johnny pissoff
Runners-Up:
· "All Aboard the Pangea Express" - Stitches
· "And Australia's like, "WTF mate?"" - one L
· "Ashley crushes yet another of Jessica's plans." - Heidi
· "Besides, i dont speak german..." - senny
· "Crikey! Thank God the Stingrays Got Me Before They Arrived." - Katie
· "Going Down, But Not Under" - sigh
· "It's good to see Condy getting out more" - mp
· "Wait, You Have a Date? That Doesn't Even Make Sense." - 08kjl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And the Special Olympics Runners Totally Remove That Extra Chromosome before Every Track Meet
Chick #1 overlooking the Women's Wheelchair finals: Are they over there playing tennis in wheelchairs?
Chick #2: Yeah, I think they are.
Chick #1: Oh, please, you know they're pushing those chairs with their feet.
--US Open, Queens
Overheard by: Working on my backhand
Well, I Was Just Saying, 'I Wish'!
Drunk girl #1: I wish Colette* would speak French to us.
Drunk girl #2: That would be, like, so awesome!
Drunk girl #3: Colette doesn't speak French! Doesn't she speak, like, Puerto Rican?
--Fordham University Ram Van
Overheard by: Ali McE
Since I Broke My Little Brother
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: ... And then they gave her a breathalizer, and my mom said I couldn't drink 'til ninth grade!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #2: My brother got a breathalizer!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: I want a breathalizer.
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: Why?
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: To play with!
--Indian restaurant, 6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Ohmygodstopservingthem