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December 2006 Archives
American Existentialism in Action
College chick throwing down Waiting for Godot: I just don't get this play at all.
College dude: You want me to teach you to play Minesweeper?
--JFK
Oh. My. God.
Camp leader: Okay, everyone. I think we should all meet at five behind the naked cowboy.
New Yorker camper: John, the naked cowboy is a man.
--LIRR
But It Sounds More Suave When You're Talking to a Logger
Chick: I really have a thing for my TA. I think he's into me. Like, he's giving off all these signs.
Dude: You should totally go up to him and ask if you can see his wood.
Chick: You know, I've done something like that before.
--NYU Route B bus
Overheard by: crackin' up
See How You're Not Any Brighter?
Flight attendant on intercom: If you need any additional lighting, just reach up and press the grey button above your seat.
Passenger presses the 'Call attendant' button.
Flight attendant: That wasn't the grey button.
--JFK
I Keep Letting Them Bite
30-ish lady #1: Did you talk to your therapist about bedbugs?
30-ish lady #2: I only talk to my therapist about bedbugs.
--34th & Madison
Overheard by: K
I'll Probably Cancel My Gourmet Subscription
Chick #1: I'm starving.
Chick #2: I haven't eaten all day.
Chick #1: Do you have issues with food?
Chick #2: No, not really. Well, I tried throwing up after eating for a while, but I wasn't really into it.
Chick #1: So, what do you do now?
Chick #2: I just don't eat.
--Cafe at Bloomingdale's
I Thought It Was a Finless Porpoise
College chick #1: It can't be a muscle. It's not a bicep.
College chick #2: Yeah, but the heart is a muscle, and the heart is an organ. It's both.
College dude: It's an organ. That's why people always say, 'He put his organ in her.' [Passerby turns to look at them] See, that's why I didn't want to talk about this.
--50th St & Lex
Overheard by: Ben
So Probably Was Just Very Tan
Black New Yorker guy and two white tourist ladies have a lengthy conversation about different places to visit in NYC.
Black guy: Okay, ladies, this is my stop. Bye!
White tourist lady #1: Bye! Have a great day! [To friend, as man departs at Astor Place] I didn't feel threatened by him at all. He was actually a very nice man.
--6 train
Though Highly Charged, Peter Proton Was a Terrible Speller
Girl: Are you sure?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Are you really sure?
Guy: Positive. P-O-S-O-T-O-V-E.
--Tiemann Pl & Claremont Ave
Overheard by: FriedF
Thank You Very Much, I'll Be Here until Thursday
Angry rider after missing a stop: Why can't you just pull over? You was only like this far away?
Bus driver: I can only stop at designated stops, I'm sorry.
Angry rider: You could have stopped, you just wanted to be a dick.
Bus driver: Yeah, you would know -- you suck enough of it.
--BX9 bus
Overheard by: Don't know much about it
Later in Life, Roy Could Only Piss on Command
Mother: Do you have to pee?
Little boy: No.
Mother: Yes, you must!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Another mother
Hey, Whatever It Takes to Get Them Out of Diapers
Boy: Mom, why is there a line here and not on the boys' side?
Mom: Girls go to the bathroom differently. You guys can just stand around and pee and make crosses. You know -- how you and Daddy make crosses with your pee-pees?
--Line for women's room, Radio City Music Hall
Should Have Given Up after 'He Was an Aircraft'
Chick #1: Hey! Do you know Stanley?
Chick #2: Stanley...? No.
Chick #1: You know -- he was an aircraft!
Chick #2: What?
Chick #1: That the Russians put into space!
Chick #2: You mean... Sputnik?
Chick #1: Stanley, Sputnik, whatever...
--Union Square
It Must Be a Good One, Look at All the People Going In!
Tourist mother: Where do you guys want to eat?
Tourist child: I don't know.
Tourist father pointing to flashing subway entrance: Look, there's a Subway, we can eat there!
--42nd & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Jen Chick
Didn't Scientists Decide He Was Too Small to Be Considered a Philosopher?
Drunk chick: Let me tell you a quote from Pluto.
Drunk dude: From Pluto?
Drunk chick: Yes.
Drunk dude: Mickey Mouse's dog?
Drunk chick: The Greek philosopher!
Drunk dude: That's Plato!
--Bar, 3rd Ave & 63rd St
Overheard by: All2Often
How Do You Know He Didn't Go to College?
Blonde: Well, I want to visit that country where they speak African!
Redhead: Oh, you want to go to Africa to learn how to speak African? That is so cool.
Black businessman shaking his head: Africa is a continent, not a country, [sighs], and there is no language called 'African.'
Black businessman departs at 34th Street.
Blonde: How's he going to tell me that when we went to college and he didn't? Plus, I heard President Bush call Africa a country in a speech.
--A train, 14th St
Overheard by: LDofHarlem
So I Dumped Him for the Cat
Chick: I bet he's fuh-reaky in the sack.
Friend: Definitely.
Chick: No... Like fuh-reaky... Like, not like normal freaky, how everyone needs to get it once in a while, but, like, weird freaky -- like pulling up your pants and finding the closest exit. Did I ever tell you about the ice cream?
Friend, laughing: No!
Chick: This one time he was like, 'Let's have some fun' and decided to tie me up. And then to, like, build anticipation or whatever, he went and got a bowl of ice cream.
Friend: Shut up!
Chick: I'm serious... And then I guess my damn cat decided he wanted a snack, too!
Friend, hysterical: Shut up! I can't breathe!
--LIRR pulling into Penn Station
I Will Now Cast about for Other Reasons to Dislike Him
Hipster: It's so retarded he would name himself Sean Lennon.
Random dude in track suit: Um, it's his son.
Hipster: Oh.
--Outside Ryan Adams concert, Town Hall, 43rd & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Not A Hipster
They Had to Use a Lot of Viagra
Child: Is this really what the Vikings' houses looked like?
Mother: No, they didn't have wood back then.
--Viking exhibit, Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Trees? What trees?
Rocky: Puke on the One in the Middle
Dude: Do you mean the guy you threw up on?
Chick: Yeah, but not the frat boy, the other one.
--Silver building, NYU
And They Can't Dance, Either
Black woman #1: What is this?
Black woman #2: White people don't know what fried chicken looks like.
--Cafeteria, 17th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
Go, Go Gadget Hydrocar!
Cabbie: Where-to, lady?
Confused tourist: The Statue of Liberty.
--Rockefeller Plaza
What If I Order Those, but You Hold the Cheese?
Cashier: What can I get for you?
Customer: Yeah, I want two Crave Cases with burgers.
Cashier: Will that be hamburgers or cheeseburgers?
Customer: What's the difference?
Cashier: The cheeseburgers have cheese.
--White Castle, 36th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: waiting for the food of the gods
Or on Law & Order: SVU
White girl #1: Shit, did you just see those mounted horses?
White girl #2: No fuckin' way... I can't believe they have them here.
White girl #1: Yeah... In Central Park is one thing, but not in ghetto Brooklyn.
White girl #2: Yeah, the last thing I expected to see here is horses on cops... [Pause] Did I just say 'horses on cops'? I meant cops on horses.
White girl #1: Yeah, I don't think there's ever a need to see horses on cops. Well, except maybe in Jeremy's bedroom.
--Crown Heights, Brooklyn
Overheard by: NancyCz
Similarly with Car 54
Teen girl #1: I didn't know Where's Waldo? could be considered a controversial book.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, because, like... some people can't find him.
--Port Authority
Tepid Breeder Sex Is around the Corner at the Loews
Man: Excuse me, what are you all standing on line for?
Woman: Hot, lesbian sex.
--Waverly IFC, 3rd & 6th Ave
Shit Yourself Once, Shame on You...
NYU student #1: So, you know that part in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where Raph gets jumped by the Foot Clan, and they have to bring him to April's place because he's a turtle, and turtles need water, so they put him in the bathtub?
NYU student #2: Yeah, sure.
NYU student #1: Yeah, they had to do that with her, 'cause she got so fucked up she shit herself.
NYU student #2: Again?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jayso
Thesis Advisor: What Else You Got?
Columbia chick: ... And what I'm really interested in studying is how computers are for us what slaves were to 19th century slaveholders.
Columbia dude: That's very interesting.
Columbia chick: I mean, the way we treat them like commodities...
--Columbia University
Regardless, It Would Be a Great Conversation Piece
Hippie chick: They don't use dryers in that country. I hung them outside.
Ditzy chick yelling over traffic: You what them?!
Hippie chick: Hung... Hung... Like a penis.
Ditzy chick: How do you hang a penis?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Kelly
That's What Everyone Tells Me
Dude: Hey, how are you?
Chick: Good!
Dude: Yeah?
Chick: Yeah... I've been banging everyone, though.
Dude: Yeah.
--Stairwell, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
In That It Involved Me
Preppy boy #1: You went to her Sweet 16, and you didn't know how to spell her name?!
Preppy boy #2: So what? What was the name of that bitch you fucked last night?
Preppy boy #1: Um, I don't know... But it's completely different! Totally different situation.
--Track 130, Grand Central
Overheard by: TheSlyVegan
Actually, He Was Totally Calling You 'Fat'
Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I's just sayin'!
Girlfriend, apologetically hugging him: Aw, you didn't say you was jus' sayin'!
--Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Danial
What the Far End of the Heterosexual Spectrum Butts Up Against
Thug #1: Yeah, me too. I get so much pussy... Sometimes I'm too tired to even fuck 'em all.
Thug #2: Nigga, you gay.
--M4 bus stop, 110th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: High LiferforLife
Find a Healthy Meal on 149th, and I'll Buy You Food for the Next Week
Crackhead: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not here to bug ya'll, but I am here to ask you for some money. If you ain't got money, I'll take food.
Girl: You can have my lunch.
Crackhead: What you got there?
Girl: Steak, rice, and beans...
Crackhead: No, baby, I'm worried about my cholesterol!
--4 train at 149th
And, By the Way, That Emperor Dude Is Naked
Girl #1: Did you know they built the Empire State Building in less than a year?
Girl #2 looking towards WTC site: So why is that still a fucking hole in the ground?
--Cortland St
Overheard by: wondering same
Why Can't I Free Myself from the Spell of Your Charms?
Chick: Oh, come on. It wouldn't be anti-Semitic if she told you to take your Stars of David off her Christmas tree.
Boyfriend, under his breath: Fucking shiksa.
--President St & 5th Ave, Park Slope
Help Me File off This Serial Number
Working girl #1: I love your ring. Where'd you get it?
Working girl #2: It's my grandma's. We just found her will.
Working girl #1: Wait, oh my god, when did your grandmother die?
Working girl #2: She hasn't, yet.
--4/5/6 train, Wall St station
Only Because He Could Do a Back Walkover
Teen artiste #1: Wait until you try to put on a play where your only set piece is your band teacher.
Teen artiste #2: Hey, we had a table!
--Kingsborough Community College
Overheard by: Lotte
You're Not Okay with That?
Limo driver: What are you trying to do?!
Cabbie: Did you not see the other guy, what he was doing? I had to move.
Limo driver: So he tries to kill you, and you move over and try to kill me?
Cabbie: What you want me to do?
Limo driver: So, you try to kill me so you don't die -- you try to kill me, then.
Cabbie: Well, then you have to die.
--7th Ave South & Perry St
Nah, I'd Send in a Designated Hitter
Hot chick walks by in Yankees sweatshirt.
Guy to friend: Dude. Dude, that girl is hot as fuck. I would hit that so hard.
Mets fan nearby: Ouch. Sucks she's a Yankees fan.
Guy: What? Who the hell cares? She could have a fucking penis, and I'd still hit that shit up, down, left, right, and diagonally.
Mets fan: That's kinda gay.
--Times Square
Hell Is When You Get Money and Can't Spend It
Teacher: So in Christianity, if you're good, what do you get when you die?
Ghetto girl #1: Money?
Teacher: No.
Ghetto girl #2: You get to go to heaven.
Teacher: Yes!
Ghetto girl #1: What? Is that a true story?
Ghetto girl #2: No, Tashanda,* that's religion.
--New Design High School
Overheard by: god
Or They Might Have Just Moved Manhattan around It
Hipster teen #1: Dude, where the hell is Madison Square Garden?
Hipster teen #2: Yo, I don't know. My mom said it's over here somewhere. It was right here last time I came!
Hipster teen #1: Dude, they don't just move Madison Square Garden.
Hipster teen #2: Yeah, you never know, though. With all them terrorists and shit, they got to move stuff all the time.
--36th & Broadway
Overheard by: Corrie
Or We'll Never Finish This Haiku
Middle-aged woman: ... And you can't just tell me what you thought of it?
Middle-aged man: I can tell you. I'll tell you in two words: Anal intercourse.
Middle-aged woman: No, no. Give me three words.
--Broadway & 35th, Astoria
Overheard by: Three's a Crowd
And Replaced Them with a Slushy Two
Woman: Did you get off?
Friend: No! The weatherman retracted his 10 inches.
--Times Square
It's Actually a Bus Ride to His Mom's in Hoboken on Sunday
Man on cell: I have to go to Bangkok -- I'm getting a plane out tomorrow. Wait, what day is it today? I'm going Tuesday.
Couple nearby: It's the 19th, a Tuesday.
Man on cell: Is it? I have no sense of time anymore without my computer. Everything is on my computer. Well, I guess I'm leaving Thursday then.
--M1 bus
Overheard by: Coulda sworn it was Monday.
How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Eugenics
Bimbo #1: I just want to move to another state, you know?
Bimbo #2: Yeah, like further south?
Bimbo #1: No, probably Australia.
Bimbo #2: Oh my God, me too! My cousin owns this train station, we could totally go!
Bimbo #1: Nah. I have a date tonight.
Headline by: johnny pissoff
Runners-Up:
· "All Aboard the Pangea Express" - Stitches
· "And Australia's like, "WTF mate?"" - one L
· "Ashley crushes yet another of Jessica's plans." - Heidi
· "Besides, i dont speak german..." - senny
· "Crikey! Thank God the Stingrays Got Me Before They Arrived." - Katie
· "Going Down, But Not Under" - sigh
· "It's good to see Condy getting out more" - mp
· "Wait, You Have a Date? That Doesn't Even Make Sense." - 08kjl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And the Special Olympics Runners Totally Remove That Extra Chromosome before Every Track Meet
Chick #1 overlooking the Women's Wheelchair finals: Are they over there playing tennis in wheelchairs?
Chick #2: Yeah, I think they are.
Chick #1: Oh, please, you know they're pushing those chairs with their feet.
--US Open, Queens
Overheard by: Working on my backhand
Well, I Was Just Saying, 'I Wish'!
Drunk girl #1: I wish Colette* would speak French to us.
Drunk girl #2: That would be, like, so awesome!
Drunk girl #3: Colette doesn't speak French! Doesn't she speak, like, Puerto Rican?
--Fordham University Ram Van
Overheard by: Ali McE
Since I Broke My Little Brother
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: ... And then they gave her a breathalizer, and my mom said I couldn't drink 'til ninth grade!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #2: My brother got a breathalizer!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: I want a breathalizer.
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: Why?
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: To play with!
--Indian restaurant, 6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Ohmygodstopservingthem
One Wednesday One-Liner in Four, Maybe More
Queer on cell: Okay, but I'm taking the turkey with me when I leave, 'cause I'm bored.
--50th & 8th
Overheard by: amelia
Queer: I've become a statistic these days... I smoke a cigarette, drink my latte, talk on the phone, and drive all at the same time. What? Oh, yeah, and the occasional hand job, you're right, I forgot...
--Chelsea Cafe
Overheard by: TJ
Queer on cell: ... And then she called me and asked for advice on starving herself.
--Fung Wah Bus
Overheard by: nina
Queer: How can he still be dating her? She's bearded! We told her she has a beard, and she didn't do anything about it! That's like someone telling me I have a goiter and not doing anything about it.
--116th & Broadway
Guy on cell: That's what I love about being a gay man. I don't wanna hear your shit, I don't wanna hear your life story, just put your cock in my mouth.
--7th Ave & 26th St
Overheard by: Raze One
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Door Prize
Conductor: All doors are created equal. Please use all available doors.
--4 train
Overheard by: Maggie
Conductor, at 34th St: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [At 42nd St] Yo, stand clear the doors. [At 50th St] Yo, stand clear the bloody doors. [At 7th Ave] Yo, I ain't playin'! Stand clear the fuckin' doors!
--E train
Conductor: Listen, folks. I'm paid by the hour, so I can wait here all day. But if you want to get home, please get those idiots blocking the doors the hell inside the car. Thank you.
--3 train
Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is High Street. The next stop is Broadway-Nassau. Stand clear of the closing doors. You the maaan!
--C train
Overheard by: The Man
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, doors don't hold people! People hold doors.
--R train
Conductor to woman who jammed her stroller into the subway doors: That was unbelievable. You are unbelievable. You just used a baby to hold open the doors.
--3 train, 14th St
Overheard by: clarence rosario
Wednesday One-Liners Say It, But They Don't Really Mean It
Queer to hipster chick: Honey, you're not a hipster! ... I'm sorry I said that.
--New School University
Overheard by: smoon
Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me out. If you could give me just one penny, I'd really appreciate it. [Yuppie woman hands him a quarter.] I asked for one penny. You gave me 24 cents too much [hands the quarter back and walks away].
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Conservatively-dressed lady: I'm so sorry! My birth canal was showing!
--Atlantic Ave & Clinton St
Overheard by: amalthya & schizo
Dude on cell: I didn't know you wanted to become priest... What?! You have to go through all that shit just to be a deacon?! My god! ... Sorry man, I didn't mean it like that...
--Union Square
Man on cell: I'm sorry, but I'm in New Jersey right now... When? Okay, Monday night... Of course I'll be there, you have my word.
--M14 bus, Ave A
Lady suit: Now I am totally sorry I stalked you -- it was so not worth the effort.
--47-50 Rockefeller Center train station
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Better Bedside Manner
Guy: I can't wait 'til I am finished with med school and I can start working as pediatric gynecologist.
--Class, W4th & Mercer
Girl watching another use eye drops: Do you need some help with that? I'm pre-med. I'm qualified.
--Butler Library bathroom, Columbia University
Overheard by: dr. getoffyourhighhorse
Girl patient: Oh my god. The cute doctor just took my urine sample. He walked over and asked me for it. God, it's like, 'I gave her my heart, she gave me... her urine sample.' Should we give him my number?
--Beth Israel Medical Center
Chick on cell: Yeah, the doctor stuck his finger up my ass because I can't shit... Yeah, it hurt. Any ideas I've entertained about anal sex are gone.
--12th Ave & Bay Ridge Pkwy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: What the...
Homeless guy: If you need a gyno doctor, my office is in the box around the corner.
--Lexington subway station
Wednesday One-Liners Is People!
Little girl to mother: I like the way you taste.
--SoHo
Overheard by: nicky d
Dude on cell: Mice are cannibalizing other mice? Oh, god, that's awful!
--7 train, Queens
Overheard by: Anthony
Goth chick to another: I don't care, I am not eating Matthew's mother's flesh!
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Me neither
Ghetto dude: Heh, heh... Heh... Fried nigga-fingers!
--13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rebecca Odorisio
Ghetto girl to two others: He said he was gonna marinate me for a while... Yes, he did!
--Manhattan-bound E train
Overheard by: Julz
Chick on cell: We'll never run for office on the conservative Christian ticket now that we've discussed eating fetuses with teriyaki sauce.
--Harlem
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Rubbers
Girl: Those weather websites are so unreliable. They all say different things. The other day, I went to one, and it was like, 'Partly sunny.' Okay. Then I went to another, and it was like, 'Party cloudy.' They're all different.
--NYU residence hall, Lafayette St
Overheard by: Rusty V
Guy selling umbrellas: Acid rain in the forecast today. Acid rain all day. Get your umbrellas!
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Wondering what the umbrellas were made out of
Girl: The rain is the tears of Republicans.
--Hamilton Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: alex
High school chick on cell: The glaciers are gonna melt and the sea is gonna rise, and then you best hope it doesn't rain... I don't know, I haven't read that far yet.
--Spring St
Overheard by: Dan
Suit on cell: It's raining like a whore!
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called 'Caucasian'
Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man's shit in there.
--Trump Tower, 5th Ave
Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town?
--Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn
Overheard by: they're coming
Woman: But it's Aryan night...
--116th & Broadway
Hobo playing guitar: I've got three kids at home -- I'll take anything. I'll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people's money, change, food, weed... I'll even take white people's money.
--1 train
Overheard by: trooshieb
Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain't come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th.
--7 train
No-Class Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: Man, it was harder to cheat on that test than to just do it!
--23rd & Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
Girl on cell: Yo! I'm in class trying to act all straight, and it's hard. No, I have a test right now. I took like four o' that shit. I have to go, my professor's here.
--John Jay College of Criminal Justice
Overheard by: hannah
JAP: Well, the professor hates me. He only thinks of me as the girl who leaves 20 minutes into his class, and I don't know how to change it.
--Shun Lee Palace
Overheard by: colette
Student: Shit, my iPod is more important than my classes.
--Borough of Manhattan Community College
Overheard by: Caitl
Hipster teen: He got rejected from community college? He must have written on his essay, 'I want to prey on Bronx Science kids and mug them.'
--6 train, 68th St
Overheard by: glad they went to private school
Wednesday One-Liners Star in a Revival of Dreamcoat
Man: Tonight we'll go to the Polish restaurant, or we'll go see Spamalot. Either way, we need the laughs.
--Elevator, 250 West 57th St
Four-year-old standing and pointing as Gaston is about to stab the Beast: Nooo! Stop that!
--Lunt-Fontanne Theatre
White chick: I'm entirely too white for this show. That, or too Canadian. They spell 'color' without a 'u'!
--The Color Purple, Broadway Theatre
Guy on cell: I'm at Marie's Crisis. Yeah, everyone at the party was ugly, and so I left, and I figured if I'm gonna hang out with ugly people, I might as well sing showtunes.
--Marie's Crisis piano bar, 50 Grove St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Small child during Tarzan: He's dead 'cause he got shot.
--Richard Rodgers Theater, 45th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Adam
Black 40-something lady passing theatre: Ain't dis a play o' somethin'?
--Outside Nederlander Theatre on 41st St
Overheard by: A-Mo
Wednesday One-Liners Have Lost Their Group
Teenage boy tourist: Times Square is by far the coolest part of New York. It's almost like heaven!
--Times Square
A tourist is craning his neck to photograph the Empire State Building.
New Yorker: What is he looking at?! ... Oh.
--34th & 5th
Tourist: There isn't anywhere within walking distance.
--53rd & Lex
Overheard by: Not a Clueless Tourist
Hobo, after stealing someone's luggage: Tourists need to be more careful when they come to New York City.
--6th Ave & 23rd St
Overheard by: BOB Sled
Tourist dropping money in front of frozen female mime he's been staring at for five minutes: That was truly incredible. Thank you so much.
--Outside MoMA
Tourist: I guess we should go to the Ground Zeroes.
--5th Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: Sally Tomato
Thug: Just push them out of the way. They're tourists, they'll love it.
--Times Square
Overheard by: duffduff
Wednesday One-Liners Ask: Why Limit Yourself?
Girl looking at unisex bathroom sign: The bathrooms are bisexual!
--The Brooklyn Lyceum
Overheard by: Jordana
Hipster dude on cell: He broke up with me for a girl!
--St. Marks & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Amy
Woman on cell: Yes, baby, yes, I'm bisexual! I need a man right now. You ready or what?
--6th Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: TK
Guy on cell: Damn, baby, it's been months since we've had sex! Is it another guy? ...Is it another girl?!
--Prince St
Overheard by: Suzy
Fourth-grade kid: See, what you people don't understand is, my fists are bisexual -- they hit both boys and girls.
--PS 34
Overheard by: Emily
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been So Secularized
Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, 59th Street is next, 59th Street. Everyone have a pleasant day. And a friendly reminder: only 10 shopping days left until Christmas! Be festive, but don't spend your money all at once! Ho, ho, ho! Always remember the three gift-giving rules of Christmas. They're as easy as A, B, C. A: Make a list of everyone you want to buy a gift for. B: Ask them what they want for Christmas. C: Tell them, 'Give me the money and I'll buy it for you!' 59th Street.
--A train
Overheard by: d, cover your groin
Woman selling adult books entitled Extra-Marital Affair: Get your books here! Make great Christmas presents for your loved ones!
--Penn Station, 34th St entrance
Overheard by: Bewildered
Chick dog-walker on cell: I am not doing A Christmas Carol at the Mississippi Shakespeare Festival!
--Payson Ave & Beak St
Conductor: Listen up, people! I can't stress this enough: you only have two hands. If a third one is in your pocket, make some noise! I'm sure other passengers will help you out. You don't want anyone having a merry Christmas on your hard work. [Long pause, then singing] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! [Another pause] There are only six shopping days left. Ho, ho, ho!
--A train
Overheard by: he brightened my day
Tourist watching erection of Rockefeller Christmas tree: What's the big tree for?
--Rockefeller Plaza
Overheard by: B.W. McAdams
Dad's Putting Your Stuff on the Front Lawn As We Speak
Mom: How about this hat? Try this on.
Daughter: What? Ew, no, I'll look like a homeless person!
Mom: You are homeless.
--Kmart, Astor Place
Overheard by: mia
Did You Call 'No Homo'?
Ghetto guy #1: That broad last night was a dude, man.
Ghetto guy #2: Nah, yo, she was fine.
Ghetto guy #1: Yo, nigga, you was making out with a man.
Ghetto guy #2: She had a fine ass, though.
Ghetto guy #1: It was a man, yo!
Ghetto guy #2: I ain't gay though, right?
--E train, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: Tina B=Tits McGee
There Should Be an IQ Prerequisite for Adultery
Man #1 spotting bench pressing Man #2: So, how's the wifey?
Man #2: Oh, man, things aren't good.
Man #1: What happened?
Man #2: Her phone went dead so she borrowed mine. It was loud at the bar, so she went into the bathroom... She read my text messages. I had been texting some girl I hooked up with.
Man #1: Delete! Dude, delete!
Man #2: I know, but I even had her under a code name, 'Rubes,' because I met her through Ruben!
--Gym, Midtown
Overheard by: SwrrlGurll
Missouri or Kansas?
Cop to cabbie: Hurry up, you Arabian fuck! Dumbass towel-heads...
Tourist mom: Do you have to use that language? There are children present.
Cop: Lady, shut up. This is New York -- either get with it or get out.
Tourist mom: This never would have happened back in Kansas City.
--Rockefeller Center
Actually, That's More Thought Than the Military Has Put into It
Dude #1: You know gay guys can't be part of the Army?
Dude #2: Nah, man. That's grimy. Why would they deny gay people like that for?
Dude #1: Well, lesbians are allowed to serve, just not male lesbians.
Dude #2: Dude, male lesbians are straight guys, aren't they?
Dude #1: Oh, my bad. I meant gay guys. Yeah, gay guys.
Dude #2: Why can't gay guys be in the Army?
Dude #1: 'Cause they're afraid straight guys will beat the shit out of them.
Dude #2: Well, why don't they have, like, a separate battalion for them, you know what I'm saying?
Dude #1: Dude, that's segregation. That's illegal.
Dude #2: Isn't it segregation by not allowing them to be part of the Army?
Dude #1: Word. That's mad deep.
--E23rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
That's What You Said When I Lost My Car
Guy: Wow, I just realized something. Smell that. Manhattan really smells like Froot Loops.
Girl: Really? [She sniffs.]
Guy: Yeah. Damn, I gotta lay off the Froot Loops.
Girl: No, Mike, you gotta lay off the pot.
--8th & West 55th
Overheard by: Roger
Merry Fuckmas, Everybody!
Tourist lady: Man, there must be something going on in New York today!
Flustered man: It's called Christmas, bitch.
--Disney Store, 5th Ave & 55th
And She's Totally Sleeping with the Wrong Professor
Chick: Oh, so that TA made this problem set?
Dude: Yeah, he made that genomics, bitchy set, too.
Chick, pointing to Asian TA in back: That's him!
Dude: Dude, no! He's white.
Chick: Oh! I've been hating on the wrong TA this whole time!
--Columbia University
He's Talking about His Generation
Man in Who shirt: Whoa! I didn't see that shirt! That's a cool one!
Man with French accent: Oh, yeah, I got this one at the show in France.
Man in Who shirt: Were they screaming as loud as we were tonight?
Man with French accent: No, we put our hands over our heads and snap our fingers and say 'Ooh-la-la.'
His wife: What'd you have to do that for? You don't have to fuck around with everyone on the street!
Man with French accent, now speaking in Brooklyn accent: What's the fun of wearing a fake, five-dollar Chinatown Who shirt if I'm not gonna make fun of those assholes in the process?
--Pizza shop outside MSG after the Who show
Tonight on E!: Rapper 50 Cent's Given Name, Revealed
Nurse #1: I know, I still can't believe she signed that name on the birth certificate.
Doctor: What name?
Nurse #2: When Dr. Smith* delivered the afterbirth, this mom said, 'Oh my god, what is that?' and Dr. Smith said, 'That's the placenta.'
Nurse #1: Yeah, and then the freakin' idiot says, 'That's the most beautiful name I ever heard! I'm gonna name my baby Placenta.'
Doctor: No, don't tell me--
Nurse #2: Yep.
Doctor: I'm sorry I asked.
--Hospital cafeteria
Overheard by: 2nd time gramma
... But Seriously, Do I Look Fat?
Tourist kid to his brother: Shut up. There's no such thing as a male anorexic. Right? And I'm not one of them.
--JetBlue Terminal, JFK
Overheard by: frequent flier
Wallace: Oooh, Wensleydale?
NYU chick: No, that can't be true.
NYU dude: I'm dead serious -- I couldn't make that up!
NYU chick: So, you are honestly telling me that if you don't wash your ball sack, you will grow cheese?
--10th St, between 5th Ave & University
Stop Trying to Eat This and Read Something!
Bimbette: I think Sandy* has dyslexia.
Friend: How do you know? You're not in any of her classes.
Bimbette: I know, but she's just so skinny.
--Madison Ave
Just Get Her a Copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves
Girl: Does titty-fucking actually feel good? Or does it just look hot?
Boy: Actually, it makes me physically ill. It gives me vertigo.
Girl: Should I eat my earwax?
--91st & 6th
Pimp: The New Game from Electronic Arts
Dude #1: You have to make a decision -- between the girls you want to fuck, the girls you want to kill, and the girls you want to marry.
Dude #2: Yeah...
--East Houston
Can I Borrow Your Pencil?
Cashier: Girl, will you take over for me? I need a break.
Employee: What for?
Cashier: I gotta go scratch my booty.
--Gristedes on W 4th St
Especially if They Played Jazz Standards
Rocker chick: Is that a band name?
Rocker guy: What? 'Moldy Anus'? No, but it would be a good name for one.
--Queens Blvd, Elmhurst
Overheard by: devotchka
Like All those People Who Smoke Cigarettes
Eighth grader #1: Dumbledore is dead!
Eighth grader #2: Do you know how cool Dumbledore is? Cool people like that do not die.
--Hunter College High School
Overheard by: nj
Boy, is She in for a Surprise!
Teen chick #1: So, like, how come you always hear about how they do tests and stuff to find out who babies' dads are, but you never hear about dads checking who the mother is?
Teen chick #2: I guess the dads just never care that much.
--F train
Overheard by: please stop talking
Where's the Other Team Meeting?
Activist: Would you like to take a stand against gender-based violence?
Man: No thanks, I'm all set.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jujubee
It's Change for a Hundred
Hobo: You got any change?
Girl: Sorry, I only have twenties.
--D train
Overheard by: still laughing
One Nation, Under the Crown
Australian guy: Hey there, mate! I was just wondering if you were hiring staff.
Irish bar man: Yeah, we are, but you will have to speak with the boss. He is gonna be back in about 10 minutes. Do you have any experience?
Australian guy: Well, yeah, I've been doin' this for about three years back home in Sydney.
Irish bar man: That's great... Sure, I'll put in a good word for you. I'm getting sick of all the foreigners that they keep hiring.
Headline by: Barry Negrin
Runners-Up:
· "52-Across: "Foreigners" Ans: N-O-N-W-H-I-T-E" - Eddie
· "Between the Long Islanders and the Brooklynites, this place is going to hell" - M.dubz
· "I only hear in black and white" - h
· "I'll have a shot of contradiction with an irony backer" - LN
· "It's getting so hard to find people who speak American." - Noh
· "See? Even THEY Can't Tell Their Accents Apart!" - Jatmos
· "Will the last American to leave NYC please remember to bring the flag?" - Beth
· "You should have seen this Injun that came in yesterday" - trainedmonkey
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Actually, They were Just Fries -- to Supersize is Distinctly American
Gangster #1: Shit, son, it's the fuckin' Statue of Liberty.
Gangster #2: That shit was a present from the French, but we still hated them hairy bastards so we sent over some biggie fries.
--Staten Island Ferry
Still Less Embarrassing than Sublimating Her Need for a Boyfriend into a Guy Who Likes Dick
Queer: ... And he had a huge dick.
Mortified fag hag covering her face: You can't say that in public! People can hear you!
Queer: Yeah, we didn't actually hook up. I just wanted to embarrass you.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: someone at the next table
Why Plumbers Usually Have Offices in Chelsea
Drunk chick #1: You know, you were totally right. I come so much harder from anal!
Drunk chick #2: See! I told you it was the best. Except... Well... I told you about that one problem.
Drunk chick #1: Yeah, I know. Now I take the most enormous shits ever!
A gay couple is standing a few feet away, laughing hysterically.
Queer: Oh, honey, you're preaching to the choir out here.
--Crobar, W 27th St
No, No, Honey -- My Treat
Indian girl: You see, in Psychology, gay isn't a disease -- you can't treat gay.
Pakistani guy: Oh, I can treat gay, you watch me.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1
The Cream Puff with the Receptacle Tip
Girl: I went to this awesome Italian restaurant last night.
Boy: Oh, yeah? What did you have?
Girl: This thing called 'Prophylactic.'
Boy: That's 'Profiterole,' you dumbass.
--20th St & 5th Ave
Exactly How I Felt in Nashville
Southern tourist #1 standing under large Lion King sign: Is this Broadway?
Southern tourist #2: We should stop someone who's not scary and ask.
--Times Square
Overheard by: lauren
Funnily, the System Wants to Kill You for Being Such Pretentious Jerk-Offs
Teen hippie: I hate the system with a passion. It's so systematic, I want to kill its children.
Friend: Dude, we are its children.
--Greenwich Village
Where Depth and Sincerity are Appreciated
Chick #1: I have a friend who lives in Manhattan, but she totally hates it.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: She says everyone here is so superficial. She's going to move to California.
--Greyhound bus, W 110th
Overheard by: Caroline
Once or Twice, Before Forgetting about Him
Brunette: But... I don't know what to say to him. What do you say to that?
Redhead: Just tell him you wanna use him like a pogo stick.
--Line at Helen Hayes Theater
Internecine Rivalries are Just What the Post Office Wants!
DHL guy: Hey, you going to 5-5-1-3? Take this over there for me.
FedEx lady: Nigga, you know there's no 'FedEx' in 'team.'
--55th floor, Empire State Building
Overheard by: Guy Smiley
'Shirts' are All the Rage This Season
Male shopper: Excuse me, do you have any sweater vests?
Salesperson: Um, we only have long sleeve vests.
Male shopper: Hmmm, can I see them?
--UNIQLO at Rockefeller Center
Turns Out 'The Military' is a Gay Bar on the West Side
Bimbette #1: So yeah, he decided to quit working at Cold Stone's and go into the military.
Bimbette #2: Oh, okay, what part?
Bimbette #1: The military.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, which part? The Army?
Bimbette #1: No, not the Army -- the military.
Bimbette #2: No, I mean the Army? The Navy? Something? The military isn't a separate part.
Bimbette #1: No, it was just a general thing. Not a separate part. Just the military.
Bimbette #2: [Pauses] Oooh, okay!
--Borough Hall Station, 4 & 5 platform
Overheard by: Trish
I Have Good News and Bad News...
B&T girl #1, looking at gourds: That looks like a tumor!
B&T girl #2: That looks like my ovary!
--Union Square Farmers Market
Overheard by: Glynda
But She Still Won't Go in the Litterbox
Guy #1: Oh my god, you can't believe what I can make her do...!
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I can get her to lick off peanut butter anywhere on me.
--86th St
Overheard by: Robert Mattera
Like a Bull Moose
Guy #1: I saw Jerry Stiller naked.
Guy #2: [Silence.]
Guy #1: You know, Ben Stiller's dad.
Guy #2: ... I know.
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Kendrick
Like, 'You're Not Sexy'
Guy: 'Live Girls'? The girls in the picture don't look like sexy girls.
Chick: You're right.
Guy: I mean, she looks mad. The black one? She looks like she wants to punch somebody. She looks like that guy from Seinfeld just said something about her.
--Urban Stages
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
What Mike Myers Has Been Up to Since Shrek II
Drunk guy, in fake Scottish accent: Anyone who doesn't shut up will feel my cock against their stomach.
Drunk NYU girl #1: What if that's what we want?!
Drunk NYU girl #2: Is he really Scottish?
--Crocodile Lounge, 14th & 2nd
Overheard by: eri
Now Hurry Up and Cum So I Can Take a Shower
Thug: You a fat slut!
Thugette: I ain't fat, nigga!
--86th & Lex
I Thought It Would Be Harder to Teach Y'all Manners
Southern tourist: Is this Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, this is Roosevelt Avenue, in Queens.
Southern tourist: What? So it is Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, I said it is not Roosevelt Island. This is the Roosevelt Avenue stop. You are in Queens.
Southern tourist: I don't understand, am I on Roosevelt Island?
Suit: Ma'am, you are in Queens right now, specifically, Roosevelt Avenue. Roosevelt Avenue is not the same as Roosevelt Island. If you want to be at Roosevelt Island, you have to take the train going in the other direction about three stops. Either way, get off the damn train and quit delaying the rest of us.
Southern tourist: Why won't anybody answer my question?
NY woman: You know what? This is Roosevelt Island, we're all wrong. Get off.
Southern tourist: Was that so hard?
--Roosevelt Avenue stop, F train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
So We Have an Alibi
Irish guy: Yeah, I'm a hundred percent Irish. I just got back from Ireland this summer.
Black chick: Oh, you're Irish? I'm part Irish.
Irish guy, skeptical: Really?
Black chick: No, seriously. An Irish slave master raped my great, great grandmother.
Irish guy: Well, my family got here in 1909.
--Ulysses' Bar
But at Least I'm Not a Slave to the Mass Advertising Apparatus
Chick #1: I need to buy some makeup!
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: I looked at myself yesterday and realized I am ugly.
--Sephora, SoHo
Overheard by: p.lo
Also, Our Eyes aren't Open as Wide
College chick #1: Have you ever noticed it always gets dark really early during this time of year?
College chick #2: Yeah, I noticed it, too. But I was thinking that since it's generally cloudier in autumn and winter that it really isn't dark out earlier, it's just really cloudy.
College chick #1: Wow, that makes so much sense!
--Riverdale
Actually, I Only Have about Three Non-Beast Shots in Me
College guy #1: You know, the first five or six times a day it's easy to just rub one out, but at, like, seven or eight you gotta start getting inventive.
College guy #2: Ha, ha -- yeah, man.
College girl: ...What?
College guy #1: I mean, that's when you gotta pull out the beastiality and shit to get it done.
College guy #2: Ha, ha -- yeah, man.
College girl: Oh my god, I'm going to need therapy. Can you stop speaking?
--Broadway near NYU
Overheard by: worried that they are our future
An Almost Foolproof Defense Mechanism
Queer: And my boyfriend like, totally, oh my god, reached across the table... Like, across the table and strangled me. I seriously couldn't breathe. Like, he strangled me. Here, put down your coffee, he did this [reaches across table and strangles ghetto black man]. Isn't that crazy? Like, what the fuck would you do?
Ghetto black man: Poop.
--Starbucks, 16th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Erica
Points for Creativity
Chick #1 looking at life-like dildo that actually cums: I wonder what it cums.
Chick #2: If it were me, I would put in vanilla milkshake.
Chick #1: Oh my god! How amazing would it be if guys came vanilla milkshakes?! I would be on my knees all day long!
Chick #2: Yeah, totally... What a cruel joke that most of them taste like steamrolled, year-old sushi.
--The Pink Pussycat
Overheard by: Sharon Sloan
Because You're Home
Lady standing in line for bus: Excuse me? Can we board the bus now? It's so dirty here...
Three New Yorkers at once: Fuck you, lady!
Guy passerby: I love New York.
--Port Authority
And, as Drunken Fan #2...
Drunk chick: C'mon, it's only two a.m. It's too early to go home.
Drunk dude: I got an audition tomorrow for The Dirt. Y'know, that movie about Motley Crue.
Drunk chick: If you go in drunk, they will think you are so rock and roll.
Drunk dude: Okay, what's still open?
--E 7th & Ave B
Gave Her Mom a 'MoMa' Tote for Christmas
20-something chick: Dad, isn't this bracelet cute?! It was made just for you! Look, it says 'Dada' on it.
Dad: [Silent.]
20-something chick: I mean, we have to get one for you -- they totally made these for Dads!
Dad: Um, 'Dada' was the name of a surrealist movement.
20-something chick: Oh, that they, like, named after dads?
--MoMa Design Store, Midtown
Overheard by: Addie Wagenknecht
He Fucking Wishes!
Professor: JRR Tolkien wrote an article on Beowulf defending its value as a work of literature.
Female student: Didn't he write Beowulf, though?
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Well, Yeah -- In Case It's Not Apple Cider
Student #1: Holy shit. That girl just dropped apple cider and a carving knife out of her suitcase.
Student #2: Right, but you're also barefoot and wearing a scuba mask.
--Elevator, Hayden Residence Hall
Overheard by: Will be using the elevators less frequently
Just Refuse to Buy from Him, He'll Get Tired of It
Blonde yuppie: I went dinner with Mom and him the other day, and he was talking about getting in touch with that guy in India to get his connections. He said that he wants to start smuggling drugs, too. I said to him, 'Dad, you cannot become a drug dealer.'
Blonde, yuppie sister: Oh my god, you know he would totally do that just to get attention.
--SoHo
Paris: But, Nicole, You're Black
Rich chick: So now he's telling me we need a kid. I don't want one, but he says we can adopt and avoid all the messy stuff.
Friend: So are you going to?
Rich chick: I said I'd consider it if we can get one that's actually white. You know. 'Cause you never really know what they're giving you.
Friend: That's so true.
--Macy's
Desensitized? I'm Fucking Enthusiastic !
Thug #1: So, you play sports games on that thing?
Thug #2 with PSP: Nah. I'm not really a sports fanatic.
Thug #1: Yeah, me neither. I just like violence.
Thug #2, slapping hands with Thug #1: Me, too!
--2/3 train near Atlantic Ave
Overheard by: Saeed
Mel Gibson's Dad: 'Who?'
Male lawyer #1: I'm reading this book that says Hitler's grandfather was probably a Jewish guy his grandmother worked for as a housemaid.
Female lawyer: Can you imagine how that guy must feel, knowing that he produced Hitler?
Male lawyer #2: I think Hitler would feel worse.
Male lawyer #1: Who gives a shit how Hitler feels?
--Supreme Court, 851 Grand Concourse, Bronx
Overheard by: Big Larry
We Practice the Old Religion of Egypt, Sir
White mom calling seven-year-old girl: Isis, come back over here! Don't wander off - stay where I can see you!
Black man: Woman, you name me 'Isis,' and I wander as far away from you as I can get. I don't blame that girl. Isis! What kind of name is that for a little white girl? Damn! Now I know white people crazy.
--Central Park
Steinbrenner: That's the Last Time I Use a Hobo as my Wingman
Ranting man: Fuck George Steinbrenner now, fuck George Steinbrenner now!
Passerby: But why?
Ranting man: Don't be an idiot! Because tomorrow will be too late! Fuck George Steinbrenner now!
--Broadway & 63rd
Overheard by: Mark
The Kite Was a Nice Touch
Woman #1: I didn't want to wash my hair today, so I put powder in it, but I put too much. I look like Benjamin Franklin.
Woman #2: No, who's the electricity guy?
Woman #1: Benjamin Franklin.
Woman #2: Yeah, you look like Benjamin Franklin.
--F train
Overheard by: Bex
Barbara Walters: Crush! Kill! Destroy!
Gay guy: I really hate her! I just really can't stand her!
Chick: Ugh, me neither. She's such a bitch.
Gay guy: Did you know she's a robot?
--Washington Square Park
It's Only Fair, Since Attractive People Never Get Any Advantages in Our Society
Woman #1 after Wicked raffle: Ugh, I can't believe we didn't win. It really sucks.
Woman #2: I know, I'm totally bummed out.
Woman #1: Well, that one woman, like, really deserved to win because it was her birthday.
Woman #2: And the rest of them were pretty good-looking, too.
Woman #1: Well, just as long as none of them were, like, ugly. I guess then it's okay.
Woman #2: Yeah, most of them were pretty hot. I'd do them.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: T.M.
And the Burden of Consciousness
Girl #1: Is it just me, or are people on the West Coast taller?
Girl #2: It's probably because people here on the East Coast are too beaten down by the wind and the shame.
--72nd & Broadway
But if Law & Order is a Rerun, You're Totally In
Woman: So, what you're saying is, you want me to leave my calendar open so that you could possibly cancel on me?
Old lady: Yes.
--Annie Leibovitz exhibit, Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: d.s.
And She's the Only One Who Knows for Sure
Jewish guy: Are you Jewish?
Hot blonde shiksa: No... But my hairdresser is!
--Brooklyn College campus
Overheard by: Mars
They Called Him Steve Back Then
Hipster #1: What is 'Jews for Jesus,' anyway?
Hipster #2: Well, it's Jews who believe in Jesus.
Hipster #1: The Old Testament Jesus or the New Testament Jesus?
--Broadway & West 4th St
Overheard by: geneva c.
... Or I Can't Be Held Responsible for My Actions
Drunk guy: Hey, ladies, you want some Smirnoff? You wanna get with-- And those are two dudes, aren't they?
Sober guy: Yeah.
Drunk guy, yelling down the street: Shave your heads!
--Union St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Henry Crawford
With His Superpowers?
Teacher: When did slavery end?
Student: Didn't it end in like, 1970, when Martin Luther King freed all the blacks?
--Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope
Or a Dead Hooker's Gas?
Woman #1: So I had to go over there because his super called to say there was an odor coming out of his apartment.
Woman #2: What kind of odor? Gas or dead hooker?
--89th & 2nd
Overheard by: Tangerine
It's Long, But We Think It's Worth It
Heavy lady: I caught him the other day puttin' lip gloss on. I was all like, 'The hell you think you're doin', boy?' He was all like, 'I like the way it looks, it's cool.' I swear, we were in there, and he came running over to me. 'Ma, Ma, can I have this?' And he hands me a flavored lip gloss. I beat his ass right in the store. I mean, it tastes good, but I ain't about him usin' lip gloss. That boy ain't right.
Interlude for passenger disembarkment.
Heavy lady: I swear, somethin's wrong with that boy. He was on the phone with his boy for, like, two hours. I went to his room to see what he was doing. I swear he was jerkin' off with his man on the phone.
Friend: With his friend?
Heavy lady: Mmmhm. He's layin' there naked, and he tells me he wasn't doin' nothin'... He was 'hot,' he says. Shit. I told his ass I don't want his gay ass jerkin' off on the phone.
Friend: Oh, no.
Interlude for passenger disembarkment.
Heavy lady: You know, my little one came to me and handed me something. She's all like, 'Can I have this candy?' You know what she hands me?
Friend: What?
Heavy lady: A banana-flavored latex condom. I asked her, 'Where'd you get this?' You know, because I be usin' polyurethane condoms, and my little one is only five and she don't need to be usin' condoms yet.
--Q train to Manhattan
Overheard by: Alex Agius
Not with My Toenails like This
Suit #1: Do you lose toenails periodically?
Suit #2: Seriously, I won't bone your sister.
--Midtown
Get Outta His Way When He Finds Out the Truth about Santa...
Guy with fliers: Psychic readings! Only 10 dollars! Psychic readings!
Realist: Yo man, if that bitch knows where the money at, why don't she go get it herself?
Guy, dropping fliers: Word! I'm going to go ask that bitch now!
--Union Square
Headline by: Allison
Runners-Up:
· "He's a regular Nostra-Dumbass" - Smellface
· "I see dead presidents!" - The Amazing Gotcharocksoff
· "Miss Cleo: Your First Card Is Sucker, The 3 Of Sheisters" - the ace of spades
· "That Takes a Pair of Crystal Balls." - DanK
· "We ALL saw that coming" - JP
· "While You're There, Ask Her Where The Leprechaun At" - wookie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Like How You Internalized that Whole Cake Last Night
Girl #1: You could put yourself on a wait list.
Girl #2: Do you think I need to?
Girl #1: [Pause] W-A-I-T 'wait,' not 'weight.'
Girl #2: Oh.
Girl #1: It's bad to internalize.
--11th St & 3rd Ave
Why There's Snow on Top of Disney's Matterhorn
Suit #1: I was so jet-lagged when I got back from vacation this summer.
Suit #2: Oh, man, I hate when that happens. Where did you go?
Suit #1: We took the kids down to Florida for a few weeks.
Suit #2: Yeah, that's a long-ass way away. What's the time zone difference there?
Suit #1: I'm pretty sure it's, like, seven hours.
Suit #2: That makes sense. It's like, almost in Mexico, right?
Suit #1: No, idiot. Florida's the other way!
Suit #2: Really? My bad.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Mike N
Now It's Sex with the Same Guy at Random Intervals
Late-20s chick #1: I wish I was 22 again so I could just have random sex with some guy.
Late-20s chick #2: Yeah, me too... Me, too...
--Beer Line, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Still Pretending to be 22
Wednesday One-Liners Enforce the Penile Code
Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious.
--Henry St & Clinton St
Overheard by: Jeannie
Hipster girl to friends: ... And that's why guys shouldn't try to suck their own dicks.
--Dominie's Hoek, Long Island
Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead!
--Wall St
EMS worker: ... And that's how my penis landed in the punch bowl.
--Fordham & Southern
Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock?
--Mercer & W 3rd
Overheard by: TheBrit
Woman in an 'Officer Nasty' costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis!
--Party, 168th & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter Pecker
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Little Bit of Lube and a Whole Lotta Love
Queer: So I'm fucking this guy in the ass, and he tries to kiss me, and I'm like, 'What the hell are you doing?'
--University Place
Hobo: And then the fucker slapped his cock in my ass!
--5th Ave & 22nd St
Overheard by: A bum rap
Queer: I expected something better and all I got was the big dick in my ass!
--Mobile station
Dude: I swear, if Bob Dylan was a chick I would totally fuck him up the ass.
--8th St & Ave C
Man on phone: Yeah, I'm talkin' big, wet butt-orgy.
--46th St & 7th Ave
Man: Anal is such a pain in the ass, you know?
--Astor Place
Wednesday One-Liners Never Said They Were Exclusive
Woman on cell: Well, her profile says 'In a relationship,' so she has no excuse to be fucking everyone else's boyfriends!
--The Bagel House, 39th St & Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Louie
Guy: Hey, I'll give you my ex-girlfriend if you'll take her.
--1st St & Ave A
Overheard by: apples
Fag hag: Anderson Cooper is so gorgeous. I want to be his boyfriend.
--1 train
Overheard by: Allisa
Ghetto babe: She kicked the shit out of three or four boyfriends. She's not gettin' another. What's she gonna do? Call him up, kick the shit out of him, get herself locked up again?
--Penn Station
Girl on cell: I might break up with my boyfriend because he wants to get a monkey.
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: Matt
Bimbette: Do you think the reason I can't get a boyfriend is because I never re-post those things on MySpace?!
--LaGuardia airport
Little girl: I don't have a boyfriend right now. Sometimes it's better not to be in a relationship.
--72nd St & York
Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.
--2nd St & Ave B
Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?
--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Linda
Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!
--Starbucks, La Guardia airport
Overheard by: Allears
Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!
--Victoria's Secret, 57th St
Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?
--Greene St & Prince St
Overheard by: deadzebra
Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!
--PATH train
Overheard by: blkgirl
Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?
--Broadway & Prince St
Overheard by: djingo
I Smell a Wednesday One-Liner
Woman to young son: That's not a superhero, that's a rat.
--Subway station, 116th & Lenox
Conductor on loudspeaker: Stand clear of the closing doors. Do not hold the doors or else you will be bitten by a rat!
--A train
Overheard by: Jake
Mother to child: Don't do that or I'm going to throw you in the sewer... with the rats and the alligators.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Thompson
Guy holding four-year-old: Damn, this mothafucka smells like rat ass and monkey nuts.
--2 train, Fulton & Nassau
Man: They call it 'rat poison,' but it could just as easily be called 'husband poison.'
--Near Fat Black Pussycat, W 3rd St
Overheard by: Leslie G.
Wednesday One-Liners are Part of New York City... Technically
Hipster girl: 'Flushing Queens' would be a great name for a man.
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Beautiful Barnard Woman
Drunk dude watching girl rip the shirt off a guy: What, no blood? Queens is lame.
--Shea Stadium
Boyfriend to girlfriend: Prepare to be blown away by the majesty of Queens!
--E train platform, Penn Station
Conductor: This is a Queens-bound A train.
--Brooklyn-bound A train
Overheard by: Maggie
Conductor: This is a Queens-bound... No, Manhattan-bound... No, Queens... Wait, hang on. This is a Manhattan-bound E train. Next stop: 53rd and Lex... Shit.
--Manhattan-bound E train, 53rd & Lex
Announcement over the subway: This is not the Queens-bound E train. [Half the train empties] This is the Queens-bound E train.
--E train, Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything but Kiss on the Mouth
Woman: Yeah, but just because you can play a dying crackwhore in Rent, that doesn't mean that you can play a dying crackwhore in Les Mis -- they're two different kinds of whores!
--Broadhurst Theatre
Columbia chick: Yeah, I'd be the Mother Theresa of prostitutes.
--Columbia University
Couple arguing on the street: You want to talk about the truth, fine -- let's talk about the truth! What about that time I found you upstairs in our apartment smoking crack with that prostitute?
--2nd Ave & E 5th St
Overheard by: Awestruck Iowan
Girl: Well, of course I'm mad... She's taking my pimp from me!
--Mall
Announcer: There is a 'B'-as-in-'brothel' train approaching the station.
--59th St, Columbus Circle Station
Overheard by: Jennifer
Chick on cell: I think we're all hypothetical hookers, to some extent.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McF
A Steady Stream of Wednesday One-Liners
Guy: Yeah, that was the night I pissed all over his walls.
--Fanelli's, Prince & Mercer
Overheard by: hjane
Dude: I think she's pretty cool, even though she tried to pee on me that one time.
--Rumours, 55th & 8th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Girl on cell: ...Well, I was, until he peed his pants. It was all downhill from there.
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: kelsey
Guy on cell: She got pissed on... So do I. I guess if she can survive another two months... How much damage do you think he can do?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Al E Ro
Guy entering bank: Fuck that dragworm! It's my bank! I'm gonna give him a tip because he stepped in front of me to hold the door? Fuck that! It's like if I was gonna piss and he knocked my hand aside to grab my dick.
--Washington Mutual
Wednesday One-Liners for the Breeders
Father to eight-year-old daughter: Let me put it this way: your opinion has merit, but it doesn't have weight.
--SoHo
Angry mom: What?! We were just in the bathroom -- you said, 'No'! Can you hold it? [Four-year-old son shakes his head.] Augh! What is the matter with you? I am so mad at you right now!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Kyla
Mother pushing young child in stroller: Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: USY lover
Mother to young son: I would love to know how this obsession with canned peaches got started.
--M102 bus
Nanny to four-year-old: Heather*, you don't seem very centered today.
--6th Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: em
Wednesday One-Liners Get Paid Friday
Man looking at the Metronome clock: I think that's the national deficit.
--Union Square
Employee: Shit, I don't have no pennies. Tell Dunkin' Donuts they owe you nine cents!
--Dunkin' Donuts, Graham Ave
Girl: Non-profit groups are, like, so non-lucrative!
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Pants
Spastic kid: All I have to my name is a cigarette and two Sacagawea coins!
--Webster Hall
Overheard by: Jess Cohennnnn
JAP on cell: I had a nightmare last night that Mom canceled my credit card statement... I know! It was the worst -- like, I woke up sweating!
--NYU
Overheard by: glamourcharm
Chick: 'Insufficient fare'?! What does that mean?
--7th Ave subway station
Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, What Exit You From?
Mom to three-year-old: Actually, there are two other airports in New York. One is called 'JFK,' and the other is called 'New Jersey.'
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fudd
Drunk girl: Well, somebody's walking back to Jersey tonight!
--Times Square
Man on cell: Well, you're really going to have to gather whatever inner strength you've got, look inside yourself, stay strong... Be prepared to live without me around... Huh? New Jersey! What did you think I meant?
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Guy on cell: She's moving to Israel? Really? I guess people really will do anything to get out of New Jersey.
--Park Slope
Woman on cell: No, you see, this guy was a Jersey guy. He might have made it big on Wall Street, but he's a Jersey guy. That was a mistake.
--Battery Park
Billable Hours of Wednesday One-Liners
Guy: Is it a good idea to pursue a career in law just because I love Law and Order?
--Pace University
Overheard by: Pants
Suit: You know what I should have done? Skipped law school and gone straight to the Army!
--C train, 23rd St
Paralegal: I seriously wish that I could just give up this law thing and become a lion trainer.
--Battery Park
Girl on cell: I mean, I think a law degree is really, like, fluid. You can do anything with it. Like, I don't know... practice law?
--6th Ave & Canal St
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
I Do Not Consent to That
Girl, squealing: You may kiss me, I consent!
Guy: I'd rather have a dwarf chew off my balls. I hate you.
--Museum of Sex
Shut Up and Keep Applying Pressure to Your Bloody Nose
Herbal tea guy: Dude, caffeine is like, bad for you. It's like a drug.
Espresso guy: Dude, it is a drug.
Herbal tea guy: Then you should stop ragging on people for doing coke.
--Starbucks, 114th & Broadway
I've Missed Neither It Nor You
50-ish female lawyer at reunion party: Hi! Remember me?
50-ish male lawyer: [Long pause] Sure. 1981. Twelve dates, a carriage ride in Central Park, and I couldn't even get a hand job from you. How's your virginity?
--Brooklyn Law School
Overheard by: Big Larry
I Was Just Licking Some Crumbs Off Your Blouse
Man hitting woman next to him: Do you like that when I do it to you?
Woman, hitting man back: No!
Man, hitting woman again: If you don't like it when someone does it to you, don't do it to other people.
Woman, hitting man again: Don't touch me! You were asleep, leaning on me!
Man: You ain't cute! I wasn't tryin' to cop no feels!
--Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: courtenay
Is There Anything Julie Andrews Can't Do?
Law student: I learned in my International Law class that diplomats can park wherever they want and not get ticketed.
Friend: You had to go to friggin' law school to learn that? I learned that from The Princess Diaries.
--Dean & Deluca, SoHo
Thomas Aquinas Took This One to His Grave
Bimbette: What's the plural of 'Jesus'? Jesuses? Jesi?
Friend: Why would you ever need to pluralize 'Jesus'? There's only one!
Bimbette: Well, like, if you were at a Halloween party or something and you had to tell your friend 'There were, like, eight Jesi at the party last night!'
Friend: Just stop talking.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Irasian
How We Got Clubbed on Vacation
White tourist chick #1: Oooh, look -- a black cop being friends with a white cop!
White tourist chick #2: Take a picture!
--Macy's Parade balloon inflation, 81st & Central Park West
He Promised Me a Video Game, Duh
Yuppie mother: So, Dad said only if you're really good and you don't fight with your sister anymore, he'll get you that new video game you wanted.
Kid: Dad's a dick. Why'd you marry him, again?
--9th St & 6th Ave
It's Why I Wear It
Little girl: Oooh, furry! Mommy, can I pet the pretty, furry lady?
Old lady wearing a pink fur: Don't worry, I get this all the time.
--47th & 5th
Overheard by: Micaela
The Important Thing is that She Likes Women and Lives Under a Bridge
Long Island law student #1: She is such a B-and-T troll dyke.
Long Island law student #2: Dude, she commutes from the city to Long Island. That doesn't make her a B-and-T anything.
Long Island law student #1: Fine. Then she's a reverse B-and-T troll dyke.
--LIRR
Hey, that Taco Was Asking for It
JAP #1: Well, how do you know he's cheating on you with that [lowers voice to loud whisper] Puerto Rican girl?
JAP #2: God, I don't for sure know, alright?! Maybe because his dick smells like a Taco Bell, okay?!
--6 train
Overheard by: Maria
How Fitting
Guy #1 reading article: 'The a-nulls of psychology'?
Guy #2: Dude, it's 'anals.' You're so stupid.
--Computer lab, NYU
Because I'm Usually Watching Sabrina: The Teenage Witch at that Time
Thug #1: I was watching Oprah yesterday...
Thug #2: Really?
--F train
Overheard by: Michael
The Offended Party Sued for Mao Practice
Professor: And what was the issue in this case?
Law student: The company was displaying won-ton negligence.
Professor: Okay, good, but some people pronounce it 'wanton.'
--Brooklyn Law School
He's Put Years of Effort into Both the Recipe and the Simile
Shish kebab vendor: Are you sure you want the really hot sauce...? And not the regular hot sauce?
Girl: Um, why?
Shish kebab vendor: Want me to describe it? It's like if I tear out your asshole and tickle it.
--Main St, Flushing
I've Just Dated a Lot of Guys Who Really Loved Me
Queer: So, yeah, I told him I cheated on him.
Fag hag: Oh... So you don't really love him, then.
Queer: You think so?
Fag hag: Oh, darling. When you really love someone...
Queer: I know, I know, you don't cheat on them.
Fag hag: No! When you really love someone, you cheat and never tell.
Queer: You're so ahead of me.
--Mercer & Broome St
Hence the Soup
Guy: You can pour all the soup on it you want, that still won't make it pancakes.
Woman, desperate: You don't seem to realize, cigarettes are addictive!
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Liz
Then I'd Retreat to the Shower and Scrub Myself with Brillo
Girlfriend: What would you do if I just suddenly grew a penis?
Boyfriend: Well, first I'd scream. Then, I'd probably jack you off.
--7 train station, Main St
Men are So Delicately Wired
Woman #1: My husband smells his socks when he takes them off. Every time. Is that weird?
Woman #2: At least he doesn't demand anal sex and then go cry in the bathroom.
--PATH train
Overheard by: Just listening
Act One: Dorothy Meets the Witch
NYU chick #1: How do we get there?
NYU chick #2: The yellow line!
WASP lady screaming: There's no yellow line! There are numbers and letters, no colors!
NYU chick #1: God! What a bitch!
WASP lady: Damn straight I'm a bitch! Get the fuck out of town!
--Union Square
Overheard by: um, I agree
I Think One of the 'Make a Wish' Kids Asked for It Already
Guy #1: What is wrong with this district?
Guy #2: I know! Every store is a liquor store.
Guy #1: There should be district liquor summer camps or something.
Headline by: Menzer
Runners-Up:
· "An excerpt from "The History of Catholic Camp"" - Manda
· "But that's what New Jersey's for!" - cinekat
· "Captain Morgan gains close victory in district 7, narrowly beating Corporal Cocaine and Major Methamphetamine." - Victor
· "I Don't Want to Know What You Did Last Summer" - Laura
· "I'm going for the "Finding a Bruise of Unknown Origin" Merit Badge" - Syd O
· "Kumbaya with a twist" - danny
· "Southern Comfort Proudly Sponsors Boy Scout Troop 741" - Bevan
· "With Sailing Lessons from Captain Morgan" - Greene
· "Wyoming is way ahead of you." - Merk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
In a Jar with Leftover Onions from the Renaissance
Tourist: Are there like, [pause], any paintings in this museum, or is it, like, all old sculptures and shit?
Met employee: We have half an old liver somewhere.
--The Met's Velez Bianco Patio
Overheard by: Cairo
When Was It Ever about Deserving?
Guy #1: I bought Xbox to play Spiderman 2.
Guy #2: I bought it to play Knights of the Old Republic.
Guy #3: I bought PlayStation One to play Final Fantasy Seven.
Chick: You're all losers who don't deserve girlfriends.
--Office, 47th & 6th
Overheard by: Joe
Our Only Weakness
Dude: He's a big dude.
Lady: Even big dudes have sensitive nuts.
--Pace University
Enthusiasm: Curbed
Drunk #1: Yo, did you see who was just peeing next to me? Larry David! I think Larry David just sprinkled pee on my shoes!
Drunk #2: So now you're not gonna clean your shoes 'cause they got celebrity piss on them? Why don't you sell them on eBay?
Drunk #3: That wasn't Larry David.
Drunk #1: Yo, then I should kick that guy's ass for peeing on my shoes!
--Restroom, Cheap Trick concert, Beacon Theatre
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Are You Ready for the Holidays, New York?
Ghetto girl: My boss makes us take off on Jewish holidays and don't even pay us!
Ghetto friend: That's messed up.
Ghetto girl: I know. I don't celebrate no Yipper Kipper! I wanna say to him, 'I ain't Jewish, nigga.'
--L train
Overheard by: Caroline
But Everything Else is Too Hard
Undergrad #1: I think business is, like, so boring.
Undergrad #2: Yeah, well, I think history is, like, so redundant.
--Bathroom, Pace University
And He Never Worried Much about How Jewish He Was
Middle school girl #1: Jesus is Jewish!
Middle school boy: No, he isn't.
Middle school girl #1: Yes, he is!
Middle school girl #2: Of course, he's not Jewish anymore -- he's dead.
--Rego Park
Overheard by: josh
So Stay Out of the Forest
Girl #1: I believe in evolution and God.
Boy: What? That's stupid. You believe that if a monkey walked into a forest he'd walk out as a human?
Girl #2: She doesn't believe that, idiot. The monkey would have to stay in that forest for, like, 50 years for that to work!
--Elizabeth & Hester St
Even More Now that I Know She Pees in Hobo Jars!
NYU ditz #1: So, this hobo on the train is selling Paris Hilton's urine as perfume! It was all yellow in a jar and he was like, 'Yeah, she took a piss and I've got it to sell - 20 bucks a pop.'
NYU ditz #2: No freaking way - what did it smell like?
NYU ditz #1: Like urine - I just can't believe he collected her urine... [Baffled pause] You think it was really hers? I love Paris Hilton!
--Starbucks corner, Washington Square
We Have Minimum Harassment Standards, Y'know
Homely chick walks by in black tights and midriff-baring shirt, gut hanging out.
Construction worker #1, wide-eyed: Wow!
Construction worker #2: No! Camel toe!
--57th & 7th
Overheard by: Just going to work
Besides, I Love Her
Man #1: I swear, if she asks me if I love her one more time I'm going to punch her in the goddamn face. She's driving me up a fucking wall!
Man #2: Maybe you should just break up with her.
Man #1: What, and be alone?
--On 66 West cross town
You're the One Who Got Him into Coprophilia in the First Place
NYU punk girl: Whatever. I just don't like him, okay?
NYU punk guy: I just don't think him being smelly should have anything to do with it.
--Washington Square Park
You Never See Anybody Working on that, Either
Angry guy: I can't believe they put up fucking scaffolding on my building!
Friend: What's the big deal?
Angry guy: Once they put it up, it never comes down. And you never see anyone ever working on it.
Friend: It's just scaffolding. Dude, you need to get laid.
--5th Ave & 12th St
No, I've Got My Tinfoil Hat On
Bimbette #1: Have you ever noticed that lemon-lime soda tastes like urine after a few minutes of not drinking it?
Bimbette #2: Nope.
Bimbette #1: Well, it does. That's why you have to keep drinking it -- so it doesn't taste bad. Then you get addicted to it and you buy more. It's a clever marketing scheme.
Bimbette #2: Has the government been probing your brain lately?
--Grand Central
But I'm Baked and I Still Weigh the Same
Bimbo #1 picking up box of baking soda: I didn't know soda was baked...
Bimbo #2: Thank god it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: Walford geog
It's a Copyright Violation Grand Slam
NYU student #1: What's that song, 'Walk Like a Man'?
NYU student #2: No, it's 'Walk Like an Egyptian.'
NYU student #3: Who sings that?
NYU student #1: Phil Collins.
All three start singing Tarzan theme song.
--Canal & Lafayette
Just the Ear Buds
JAP #1: I think I'm going to break up with him. He really has, like, no money.
JAP #2: Really?
JAP #1: Yeah. He, like, doesn't even have an iPod.
--116th & Broadway
So He's Either Kung Fu or Karate
NYU student #1: Joe is conservative, Ann is liberal, Todd is liberal... What's Alex?
NYU student #2: Alex is just Asian.
--The Met
Overheard by: Apolitical
They Told Me That
Son: Today someone in class called me a 'Jew.'
Drunk dad: Did you tell them your dad's Presbyterian and your mom's a bitch?
--42nd & 8th
Get It Right, Mothertrucker
Toddler pointing out window: Fuck, fuck.
Mother: No, that's 'truck.' Tuh-tuh-tuh-truck.
Toddler: Tuh-tuh-tuh-fuck.
Mother: Oh, man.
--Dean & Deluca
But I Got Them Before They Were Cool
Excited teen: Danny! Check out my new MacBook Pro!
Danny: Wow, a Mac? So, now what? You're going to buy black-rimmed glasses, a shirt from Urban Outfitters, and the new Franz Ferdinand CD?
Excited teen: But... You already have all that stuff.
--Columbia
We Call It... The Aristocrats!
Mother #1: Yeah, Thanksgiving is so crazy. I decided long ago not to travel; it's too much with the kids.
Mother #2: I know. I went to California once with the kids, and it was insane!
Mother #1: We just have a nice, quiet dinner at home.
Mother #2: I know! Once, we had a pantsless Thanksgiving. We all sat around the table without any pants on and ate dinner. The boys were crawling on the table, it was great!
Mother #1: Yikes...
--Avenue of the Americas
He Wants a Shot at Batman and the Title
Guy #1 looking at picture of Santa Claus 3: Dude, that's Aquaman!
Guy #2: No, that's Jack Frost.
Guy #1: No, it totally looks like Aquaman.
Guy #2: No, it doesn't!
Guy #1: It's gotta be him.
Guy #2: Why would Santa Claus be fighting Aquaman? Why the hell would he be fighting Aquaman?
--4th floor Hunter North, Hunter College
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Mom's Drying Up, Anyway
Dude #1: I like that one.
Dude #2: Nah, she has a bad attitude.
Dude #1: What the fuck does attitude have to do with anything? She's fucking hot!
Dude #2: True, but I want a stripper that makes me feel important, even though I know I'm not.
Dude #1: So you want a stripper that makes you feel important?
Dude #2: Man, I'll settle for any woman that makes me feel important.
Dude #1: Then go fuck your mother.
Dude #2: True -- fuck it, I'll take the hottie with the shitty attitude. Pretty much describes all my girlfriends, anyway.
--Pacers Toastmasters Club
Overheard by: sean b
My Dad, Twice
Guy #1: You know Frank Zappa, right?
Guy #2: Not personally.
Guy #1: Well, he's dead, but you know who he is?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: Well, you know his song, 'Suzie Creamcheese'? Apparently, my dad fucked Suzie Creamcheese.
Guy #2: For real, or just in his head, like an old-guy fantasy?
Guy #1: For real -- I have it from two different sources.
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: thew
Ow! Nice Cuffs, Though
Man in knit hat, dirty shirt, and hoodie exiting elevator: Yo, what you supposed to be, a cowboy?
Guy in cowboy hat and fringe jacket: Yeah, that's right!
Man: Well, guess what -- I'm a thug! Ha! [Turns to police officer standing nearby] And what about you, you supposed to be a cop? That's a shit costume!
--DeKalb & Flatbush
Overheard by: Johnny Tremaine
Not in New York, It Doesn't
Dude: So, you're a lesbian?!
Chick: Yes! I am a lesbian!
Dude: Wait, so does that mean we can't go out anymore?
--6 train, 59th St
Overheard by: Emma
Little Front-Loader-Riding Motherfucker
Customer #1: Hey, kid! Get the fuck out of there!
Customer #2: Don't you dare speak to my boy like that!
Customer #1: Why? Does the little bastard not know English?
Customer #2: Shut up.
Customer #1: I guess not.
--Laundry King, Ave A
Overheard by: Usleich
Plus, He Says He'll Die for My Sins
Hairdresser: So, I'm dating this carpenter...
Client: Oooh, is he cute?
Hairdresser: It isn't so much that he's 'cute' as 'willing to redo my basement if I go out with him.'
--Amsterdam & W 85th
Overheard by: umpazumparoo