Archive for January, 2007

Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it. –Sullivan & Bleecker Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I’m hungry. –Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you’re drunk. –University Pl & 14th St Overheard by: Erin Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn’t what I should be having for breakfast. –14th St & 1st Ave Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay. –Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn Overheard by: MmmSandwich Mom: Who’s the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy? –115th St & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Fail English? That Unpossible.

Crackhead girl talking to old pimp: I don’t know why for she call you… Just to be talkin’ shit… You know how I be is… –Bed-Stuy Vassar student: If I spoke France fluently, I’d be there right now! –West 7th & Avenue T Man leaning into friend’s car window: Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight. [Sees a guy across the street] Hey, man, you aight? Aight… Nah, she aight… –150th & Macombs Black woman: He coulda played for the Bears, he coulda played for the Jets, but nothing never stucked. –14th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: off white Earnest student giving presentation: I was going to talk about Freud, but I decided he was tangenital to the discussion. –NYU Silver Center Overheard by: She wasn’t kidding, and no one laughed Artistic hipster wannabe: Also, not to get too psychoanaliterature… –Starbucks, Union Square West Overheard by: Benjamin Thug: Yo, nigga, don’t make me yo’ escapegoat! –4 train, Bronx Overheard by: charles elliot

Wednesday One-Liners Know Best

Woman on cell: My father is, like, my retarded child. –Washington Square Park Overheard by: Rick Chick on cell: My father’s sister moved there. Then my aunt went. –29th & Park Overheard by: Adam Nathan Drunk guy: Ew! Mom and Dad have foot sex? I don’t even want to think about it! –Far Rockaway train Overheard by: Liz Little tourist girl: A lot of people are wearing black today, Daddy. –46th & Broadway Overheard by: Scarfish Woman to another: Every time I get pregnant, I always worry, ‘Who mah baby daddy?’ –Barnes & Noble, Union Square Guy to friends: So, you didn’t fondle her dad’s belly? –Columbus Circle Student on cell: Hi, Dad! How are you? [Long pause] This is your son. –NYU Law

Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date

Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast… –14th St & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Peter L Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade. –Christopher & 7th Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set! –Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately? –6 train Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups! –Victoria’s Secret dressing room 20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys! –56th & 9th

The Original Ray’s Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: We can eat pizza and watch people’s faces get cut off! –Nassau & Humboldt, Greenpoint Drunk guy: Come eat this pizza! It’s the best fucking pizza in the city. Best fucking pizza in the city. I fucking guarantee it. Fucking best pizza. Good choice, ma’am. This is the best fucking pizza in the city. [Passerby goes in, exits 10 minutes later.] God, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life. –Bleecker & Sullivan Overheard by: d f Tourist: Oh, Ray’s Pizzeria – I’ve seen that pizzeria before! I think I’ve been here before! –St. Mark’s & 3rd Guy: Oh my god, I totally need a hammock made of pizza. –ACE station, 42nd St Overheard by: Janet

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick. –Fashion District Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right. –78th St & 37th Ave Overheard by: Jillian Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll! –2 train Overheard by: Macaire Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick. –Bleecker & Mercer Overheard by: Jay Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees! –2nd & 2nd Overheard by: wishing i did soaps Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob. –Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Captive Audience

Pilot: In just a few minutes our flight attendants will be starting beverage and snack service, including Coca Cola products and five snack options. Please listen carefully, as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our flight attendants from repeating these options. –Incoming flight, LaGuardia Flight attendant on intercom: Well, everybody, sorry for that delay — the plane was late coming in from California. On the other hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance. –JFK Overheard by: geico lizard Gate attendant: We will be boarding this flight to Atlanta shortly, but this flight is overbooked. At this time, we’re asking for two volunteers to… Damn, bitch! –LaGuardia Overheard by: jaybrrd Pilot on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you aboard and thank you for choosing, uh, JetBlue… This is JetBlue, right? –JetBlue flight leaving JFK Overheard by: Russ Wall Flight attendant: We want to thank you for flying with us today and remind you that there’s no one who loves you or your money more than Delta. –JFK Overheard by: mrmcd Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops… Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off. –JFK Overheard by: babs standigio Flight attendant on intercom after landing: Well, we’re here. –LaGuardia

Wednesday One-Liners, Your Guides to the Underworld

Conductor: Girls on the platform, get on the train. You are making the right choice. –Manhattan-bound C train Overheard by: Fish Conductor: This is Second Ave. Transfer here to the V train. Ladies and gentlemen, the V train across the platform will leave first. [Train empties out.] Psych! [F train leaves first.] –Crowded F train, 2nd Ave Overheard by: Jas Conductor: Go on, now — walk out the door. Just turn around now… Last stop. –LIRR Overheard by: not welcome anymore Conductor, not into mic: Yes, I know this is Broadway. Stop touching that — just stay still for, like, five seconds… God! I swear to God and Jesus and whoever else, if you don’t stop doin’ things, I’m gonna leave you at the next stop! [Into mic] High Street, Brooklyn Bridge, this a Manhattan-bound F train. Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [Not into mic] That is it! This is so the last time I take you to work with me, you little– [mic turns off]. –F train, East Broadway Overheard by: Mike N Conductor: This is not a stop! This is not a stop! This is not a stop! [Train stops.] Okay, we’re stopping, but I’m not opening the doors! –njt Conductor: This is Grand Central station. Connections can be made here to the A, C, E, N, Q, W, R, and S trains. The rest of the alphabet is not included. Good luck. –6 train

Hemorrhoidal Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Honey, they zapped my asshole. –Outside Tribeca Grand Hotel Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E, with an accent on the E… His mama named him Asshole! –Bus, between 77th & 76th Overheard by: It’s a Jersey thing Queer on cell: Tell him that if his asshole tingles, he’ll know I’m near. –Franklin & Broadway Hobo: It doesn’t take a genius to see it. He’s a flaming asshole who needs to be spanked. –Times Square Overheard by: i wish i was a tourist sometimes Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ asshole… Even in a wheelchair he’s a fuckin’ asshole! –9th St & 2nd Ave Chick: Oh, he’s much better than any other guy I’ve dated… He’s not an asshole, he’s not Type A… My only problem with him is that he’s not depressed enough. –Amore’s Pizza, 14th St Overheard by: dues