Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.
–Sullivan & Bleecker
Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I’m hungry.
–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you’re drunk.
–University Pl & 14th St
Overheard by: Erin
Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn’t what I should be having for breakfast.
–14th St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.
–Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MmmSandwich
Mom: Who’s the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?
–115th St & Broadway
Archive for January, 2007
Wednesday One-Liners Fail English? That Unpossible.
Crackhead girl talking to old pimp: I don’t know why for she call you… Just to be talkin’ shit… You know how I be is…
–Bed-Stuy
Vassar student: If I spoke France fluently, I’d be there right now!
–West 7th & Avenue T
Man leaning into friend’s car window: Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight. [Sees a guy across the street] Hey, man, you aight? Aight… Nah, she aight…
–150th & Macombs
Black woman: He coulda played for the Bears, he coulda played for the Jets, but nothing never stucked.
–14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: off white
Earnest student giving presentation: I was going to talk about Freud, but I decided he was tangenital to the discussion.
–NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: She wasn’t kidding, and no one laughed
Artistic hipster wannabe: Also, not to get too psychoanaliterature…
–Starbucks, Union Square West
Overheard by: Benjamin
Thug: Yo, nigga, don’t make me yo’ escapegoat!
–4 train, Bronx
Overheard by: charles elliot
Wednesday One-Liners Know Best
Woman on cell: My father is, like, my retarded child.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Rick
Chick on cell: My father’s sister moved there. Then my aunt went.
–29th & Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Drunk guy: Ew! Mom and Dad have foot sex? I don’t even want to think about it!
–Far Rockaway train
Overheard by: Liz
Little tourist girl: A lot of people are wearing black today, Daddy.
–46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Scarfish
Woman to another: Every time I get pregnant, I always worry, ‘Who mah baby daddy?’
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Guy to friends: So, you didn’t fondle her dad’s belly?
–Columbus Circle
Student on cell: Hi, Dad! How are you? [Long pause] This is your son.
–NYU Law
Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.
–Christopher & 7th
Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!
–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
–6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
–Victoria’s Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
–56th & 9th
Wednesday One-Liners File Jointly
Man in Rangers shirt: … And that’s when we realized that she married Satan.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: rosemary’s baby
Homeless guy yelling at everyone: Paul McCartney, you so rich, why you marry a woman with one leg? You could buy yourself one with two legs easily. Easily, dammit.
–E/V station, 53rd & 5th
Professor: Marriage is a state institution. It’s not a voluntary love-fest.
–Silver Center, Washington Square
Balding suit on cell: No, no, it was a phase… And I would know, right? No, I’m telling you, he’s just confused… He’s a kid! And anyway, he’s married now… No, he’ll be fine.
–Citarella, W 9th St
Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.
–Landmark Sunshine Cinema, Houston St
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Wednesday One-Liners Remember the Little People
Ghetto guy: Yo, I gotta be careful and hurry up and catch this midget before she leave me.
–59th & Lex
Overheard by: Wonkanobi
Short lady: And I told him, ‘I may be an ugly midget, but at least I’m not a Neanderthal.’
–Outside Starbucks, Court & Dean St
Little girl watching midget walk by: Look, Mommy! Mini-Me’s wife!
–91st & Broadway
Man to son: … And that’s because New York was founded by midgets.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Nina Milnes
The Original Ray’s Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: We can eat pizza and watch people’s faces get cut off!
–Nassau & Humboldt, Greenpoint
Drunk guy: Come eat this pizza! It’s the best fucking pizza in the city. Best fucking pizza in the city. I fucking guarantee it. Fucking best pizza. Good choice, ma’am. This is the best fucking pizza in the city. [Passerby goes in, exits 10 minutes later.] God, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life.
–Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: d f
Tourist: Oh, Ray’s Pizzeria – I’ve seen that pizzeria before! I think I’ve been here before!
–St. Mark’s & 3rd
Guy: Oh my god, I totally need a hammock made of pizza.
–ACE station, 42nd St
Overheard by: Janet
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.
–Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
–78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!
–2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
–Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!
–2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Captive Audience
Pilot: In just a few minutes our flight attendants will be starting beverage and snack service, including Coca Cola products and five snack options. Please listen carefully, as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our flight attendants from repeating these options.
–Incoming flight, LaGuardia
Flight attendant on intercom: Well, everybody, sorry for that delay — the plane was late coming in from California. On the other hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.
–JFK
Overheard by: geico lizard
Gate attendant: We will be boarding this flight to Atlanta shortly, but this flight is overbooked. At this time, we’re asking for two volunteers to… Damn, bitch!
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: jaybrrd
Pilot on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you aboard and thank you for choosing, uh, JetBlue… This is JetBlue, right?
–JetBlue flight leaving JFK
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Flight attendant: We want to thank you for flying with us today and remind you that there’s no one who loves you or your money more than Delta.
–JFK
Overheard by: mrmcd
Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops… Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off.
–JFK
Overheard by: babs standigio
Flight attendant on intercom after landing: Well, we’re here.
–LaGuardia
Wednesday One-Liners, Your Guides to the Underworld
Conductor: Girls on the platform, get on the train. You are making the right choice.
–Manhattan-bound C train
Overheard by: Fish
Conductor: This is Second Ave. Transfer here to the V train. Ladies and gentlemen, the V train across the platform will leave first. [Train empties out.] Psych! [F train leaves first.]
–Crowded F train, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jas
Conductor: Go on, now — walk out the door. Just turn around now… Last stop.
–LIRR
Overheard by: not welcome anymore
Conductor, not into mic: Yes, I know this is Broadway. Stop touching that — just stay still for, like, five seconds… God! I swear to God and Jesus and whoever else, if you don’t stop doin’ things, I’m gonna leave you at the next stop! [Into mic] High Street, Brooklyn Bridge, this a Manhattan-bound F train. Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [Not into mic] That is it! This is so the last time I take you to work with me, you little– [mic turns off].
–F train, East Broadway
Overheard by: Mike N
Conductor: This is not a stop! This is not a stop! This is not a stop! [Train stops.] Okay, we’re stopping, but I’m not opening the doors!
–njt
Conductor: This is Grand Central station. Connections can be made here to the A, C, E, N, Q, W, R, and S trains. The rest of the alphabet is not included. Good luck.
–6 train