Archive for January, 2007

Hemorrhoidal Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Honey, they zapped my asshole.

–Outside Tribeca Grand Hotel

Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E, with an accent on the E… His mama named him Asshole!

–Bus, between 77th & 76th

Overheard by: It’s a Jersey thing

Queer on cell: Tell him that if his asshole tingles, he’ll know I’m near.

–Franklin & Broadway

Hobo: It doesn’t take a genius to see it. He’s a flaming asshole who needs to be spanked.

–Times Square

Overheard by: i wish i was a tourist sometimes

Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ asshole… Even in a wheelchair he’s a fuckin’ asshole!

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Oh, he’s much better than any other guy I’ve dated… He’s not an asshole, he’s not Type A… My only problem with him is that he’s not depressed enough.

–Amore’s Pizza, 14th St

Overheard by: dues

Wednesday One-Liners’ Little Helper

Old crazy guy to little kid: Hey, you want a Vicodin? It’s just like your Ritalin, but stronger. No? Okay, then how about a donut?

–Dunkin’ Donuts, 66th & 1st

Overheard by: Alec

20-something hipster girl on cell: Prozac! Send me my Prozac!

–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: josh

Waiter to bartender: She was taking a lot of Vicodin. You can’t drink Hennessy with that.

–Village Restaurant

Overheard by: Al Key Hall

Girl, after friend gives her a gift: Awww, you’re the sweetest friend ever! You almost made me cry, except that I can’t cry — I’m on Effexor! Awww!

–Crepe place, St. Mark’s

Girl on cell: It’s gross! It’s sick! I’m not asking anyone for Viagra for my dad! It’s sick!

–President St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

30-ish blonde screaming into cell: Doctor, I’m so glad you called back. No, the girl here won’t give me my pills! She says my insurance won’t pay for any more… Okay, so maybe I lost track of how many Vicodin I’ve been eating — I’ve been busy! Whatever!

–Drug store, Battery Park

Overheard by: embarassed for her

Man on cell: I love Ambien more than I love my wardrobe. Good-bye.

–Angelika Theater

Overheard by: Nora

The Country Wakes Up with a Sore Ass and a Bad Taste in Its Mouth

Girl: Isn’t Rumsfeld gay? I mean, isn’t he, like, a known closet queen?
Queer: I don’t… Is he? Is my ‘dar off?
Girl: I think so.
Queer: No, I don’t. I can’t imagine any gay man would be self-hating enough to fuck Donald Rumsfeld.
Girl: Oh, please. Gay men have been self-hating enough to kill other gay men.
Queer: Yeah, but killing someone and fucking Rumsfeld are two very different things.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: I’d rather kill someone

It’s a Nice Haircut, Too

Chick: Good-bye [departs train].
Guy #1: Good-bye.
Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty.
Guy #3: Don’t call her that — ‘pretty’ is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that.
Eddie: What are you talking about?
Guy #3: Ed, don’t take it out on me, but at Dave’s birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars.
Eddie: … I’m gonna kill Dave. Why didn’t you tell me about this?!
Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.]
Guy #2: 10 dollars? What’s her phone number? I’ve got 10 dollars.
Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.

–D train

Hates Any Group Whose Stereotype Is Smarter Than Her Own

NYC woman: We’re here!
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura, I thought we were here to get cheap fake purses?
NYC woman: We are — this is Chinatown.
Southern tourist bimbo: Why are there so many Chinese people?
NYC woman, slowly: This is Chinatown…
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura! You know I hate Chinese people!

–Canal St

Overheard by: The Wizard