Archive for January, 2007

Wednesday One-Liners’ Little Helper

Old crazy guy to little kid: Hey, you want a Vicodin? It’s just like your Ritalin, but stronger. No? Okay, then how about a donut?

–Dunkin’ Donuts, 66th & 1st

Overheard by: Alec

20-something hipster girl on cell: Prozac! Send me my Prozac!

–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: josh

Waiter to bartender: She was taking a lot of Vicodin. You can’t drink Hennessy with that.

–Village Restaurant

Overheard by: Al Key Hall

Girl, after friend gives her a gift: Awww, you’re the sweetest friend ever! You almost made me cry, except that I can’t cry — I’m on Effexor! Awww!

–Crepe place, St. Mark’s

Girl on cell: It’s gross! It’s sick! I’m not asking anyone for Viagra for my dad! It’s sick!

–President St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

30-ish blonde screaming into cell: Doctor, I’m so glad you called back. No, the girl here won’t give me my pills! She says my insurance won’t pay for any more… Okay, so maybe I lost track of how many Vicodin I’ve been eating — I’ve been busy! Whatever!

–Drug store, Battery Park

Overheard by: embarassed for her

Man on cell: I love Ambien more than I love my wardrobe. Good-bye.

–Angelika Theater

Overheard by: Nora

The Country Wakes Up with a Sore Ass and a Bad Taste in Its Mouth

Girl: Isn’t Rumsfeld gay? I mean, isn’t he, like, a known closet queen?
Queer: I don’t… Is he? Is my ‘dar off?
Girl: I think so.
Queer: No, I don’t. I can’t imagine any gay man would be self-hating enough to fuck Donald Rumsfeld.
Girl: Oh, please. Gay men have been self-hating enough to kill other gay men.
Queer: Yeah, but killing someone and fucking Rumsfeld are two very different things.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: I’d rather kill someone

It’s a Nice Haircut, Too

Chick: Good-bye [departs train].
Guy #1: Good-bye.
Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty.
Guy #3: Don’t call her that — ‘pretty’ is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that.
Eddie: What are you talking about?
Guy #3: Ed, don’t take it out on me, but at Dave’s birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars.
Eddie: … I’m gonna kill Dave. Why didn’t you tell me about this?!
Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.]
Guy #2: 10 dollars? What’s her phone number? I’ve got 10 dollars.
Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.

–D train

Hates Any Group Whose Stereotype Is Smarter Than Her Own

NYC woman: We’re here!
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura, I thought we were here to get cheap fake purses?
NYC woman: We are — this is Chinatown.
Southern tourist bimbo: Why are there so many Chinese people?
NYC woman, slowly: This is Chinatown…
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura! You know I hate Chinese people!

–Canal St

Overheard by: The Wizard