Girl on cell: Honey, they zapped my asshole.
–Outside Tribeca Grand Hotel
Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E, with an accent on the E… His mama named him Asshole!
–Bus, between 77th & 76th
Overheard by: It’s a Jersey thing
Queer on cell: Tell him that if his asshole tingles, he’ll know I’m near.
–Franklin & Broadway
Hobo: It doesn’t take a genius to see it. He’s a flaming asshole who needs to be spanked.
–Times Square
Overheard by: i wish i was a tourist sometimes
Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ asshole… Even in a wheelchair he’s a fuckin’ asshole!
–9th St & 2nd Ave
Chick: Oh, he’s much better than any other guy I’ve dated… He’s not an asshole, he’s not Type A… My only problem with him is that he’s not depressed enough.
–Amore’s Pizza, 14th St
Overheard by: dues
Archive for January, 2007
Wednesday One-Liners’ Little Helper
Old crazy guy to little kid: Hey, you want a Vicodin? It’s just like your Ritalin, but stronger. No? Okay, then how about a donut?
–Dunkin’ Donuts, 66th & 1st
Overheard by: Alec
20-something hipster girl on cell: Prozac! Send me my Prozac!
–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: josh
Waiter to bartender: She was taking a lot of Vicodin. You can’t drink Hennessy with that.
–Village Restaurant
Overheard by: Al Key Hall
Girl, after friend gives her a gift: Awww, you’re the sweetest friend ever! You almost made me cry, except that I can’t cry — I’m on Effexor! Awww!
–Crepe place, St. Mark’s
Girl on cell: It’s gross! It’s sick! I’m not asking anyone for Viagra for my dad! It’s sick!
–President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
30-ish blonde screaming into cell: Doctor, I’m so glad you called back. No, the girl here won’t give me my pills! She says my insurance won’t pay for any more… Okay, so maybe I lost track of how many Vicodin I’ve been eating — I’ve been busy! Whatever!
–Drug store, Battery Park
Overheard by: embarassed for her
Man on cell: I love Ambien more than I love my wardrobe. Good-bye.
–Angelika Theater
Overheard by: Nora
An Unindicted Coconspirator
Student #1: Mister, what are some jobs I could look into if I got a Math major?
Teacher: Oh, there’s lots of options! You could be an engineer… an accountant…
Student #2: … A wizard…
–Stuyvesant High School
And I’m a Cute Little Fixer-Upper
Yuppie #1: Dude, my new girlfriend is really hot.
Yuppie #2: Yeah, but what’s her personality like?
Yuppie #1: Well, she’s an interior decorator…
Yuppie #2: Oh.
–4 train
Overheard by: Steve
It’s Tentatively Titled Bride of Cluckie
Drunk Irish man: So, your screenplay is about a paralyzed chicken?
Blonde tween: No, it’s about a boy who makes his whole family paralyzed, including his chicken.
–6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Soiled Eve
The Country Wakes Up with a Sore Ass and a Bad Taste in Its Mouth
Girl: Isn’t Rumsfeld gay? I mean, isn’t he, like, a known closet queen?
Queer: I don’t… Is he? Is my ‘dar off?
Girl: I think so.
Queer: No, I don’t. I can’t imagine any gay man would be self-hating enough to fuck Donald Rumsfeld.
Girl: Oh, please. Gay men have been self-hating enough to kill other gay men.
Queer: Yeah, but killing someone and fucking Rumsfeld are two very different things.
–Brooklyn College
Overheard by: I’d rather kill someone
It’s a Nice Haircut, Too
Chick: Good-bye [departs train].
Guy #1: Good-bye.
Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty.
Guy #3: Don’t call her that — ‘pretty’ is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that.
Eddie: What are you talking about?
Guy #3: Ed, don’t take it out on me, but at Dave’s birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars.
Eddie: … I’m gonna kill Dave. Why didn’t you tell me about this?!
Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.]
Guy #2: 10 dollars? What’s her phone number? I’ve got 10 dollars.
Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.
–D train
Goat-Eating Doesn’t Even Raise Eyebrows Anymore
Queer #1: He wasn’t that bad!
Queer #2: Honey, he was a T-R-O-double-L troll, okay?! An under the bridge-living, billy goat-eating mon-stuh!
Queer #1: Hahahahaha!
Queer #3: That was pretty harsh.
Queer #2: You’re new here. I can tell.
–Outside Splash Bar, 17th St
Usually Found in a Bush
Boy: Mommy, what’s a vah-jay-jay?
Mom: A bird, sweetie! A wonderful bird.
–Wall St
Hates Any Group Whose Stereotype Is Smarter Than Her Own
NYC woman: We’re here!
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura, I thought we were here to get cheap fake purses?
NYC woman: We are — this is Chinatown.
Southern tourist bimbo: Why are there so many Chinese people?
NYC woman, slowly: This is Chinatown…
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura! You know I hate Chinese people!
–Canal St
Overheard by: The Wizard