Archive for February, 2007

Wednesday One-Liners Are Itching and Flaking

Pink-haired woman: Have you noticed how all the celebs are totally dying their hair? It just looks so damn fake! I just want to walk up to them and say, ‘Your hair looks like a chem lab exploded on it!’ And then I would, like, get an autograph.

–Broadway

Hobo: Look, this ain’t my hair! I am part of the Homeland Security, and the alert color today is orange for ‘High alert.’ Now, how can you be both high and alert? That’s why this country is so fucked up! Have a nice day!

–L train, 6th Ave

Overheard by: pchace

Ghetto woman: Now, where did my son get to? I’m done payin’ and he still runnin’ around… I gotta go fix my hair — it looks like I just killed someone.

–Grocery store

Old man: I don’t like ugly, fucking-hairy women. I just don’t — it’s a matter of taste! Good grooming — it’s the key to success, baby! Ugly, hairy women… They’re everywhere!

–Connecticut Muffin, Prospect Park stop, F train

Overheard by: Sarah McLellan

Guy: Keep the money coming, people! I got three kids at home, and they all want Timberlands! I accept baby food, hair weaves… I even take weed, if you got it!

–2 train

Overheard by: jil

Guy on cell: If you want a shitty haircut, you come to me!

–Smith & 9th St station

Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed

Non-Consensual Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: Hell yeah, I’ll go rape Eminem!

–33rd St, Astoria

Overheard by: Christine

Drunk girl: If you rape me with that stuffed animal again, I’m gonna hurt you!

–6 train

NYU Student: It is hard to rape a tree.

–715 Broadway

Hobo: You cannot rape women! It is illegal!

–12th St & 4th Ave

Overheard by: sober eavesdropper

Woman: Why do you always have to start with gang rape?

–82nd St & West End

Overheard by: Mosteen.

Girl: Did you read the New York Times? The elephants are, like, raping the rhinoceros!

–Silver Center, NYU

Overheard by: Genevieve

Wednesday One-Liners Now Get Rollover Minutes

Chick: So, my friend called me yesterday and said, ‘I called you because I had diarrhea and it made me think of you.’

–Starbucks, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

Frustrated man: You call me back and I’ll tell you where the food is!

–23rd & 6th

Girl on cell with ex-boyfriend: Wait a second, I don’t get good service here. Let me go outside so I can yell at you.

–Loehmann’s, 16th & 7th

Yuppie dressed as hipster: Hey. Oh, sorry I didn’t call… So, yeah, I was in a kidnapping today…

–Bleecker

Bus driver over intercom: And to your right you will see a sleazy motel. If you notice any cars that look familar please give a quick call home.

–Q46 bus

Wednesday One-Liners Are Unincorporated Territory

Woman: Come here, sweetheart! You lousy fucking Puerto Rican scum!

–4th & MacDougal

Construction worker to another: Come here, I’ll buy you some food ’cause you’re my man. What, you want Puerto Rican food? They’ve got Puerto Rican food here.

–Burger King, 46th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Suit: Have you ever been to Croatia? They treated me like a god just for being Puerto Rican.

–M31 bus, between Madison & Lex

Dude: Nawww, don’t go to Puerto Rico. It’s just like New Jersey!

–Outside Caliente Cab Co.

Wednesday One-Liners Have to Go

Lady on cell: Trust me, this is the one time you can pee on a woman and not totally demean her.

–Grand Central

Well-dressed woman holding a McDonald’s cup that her son, pants still around his ankles, pissed into: Nice job, honey.

–14th & 6th

Girl in back row: I really like the new LIRR trains. I never pissed in the old ones, but I licked one once… Oh, and I pissed on the floor of a new one… Yeah, I did.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Wishing my Physics Final Started 5 min’s ago

Pissing hobo: This piss is for Mike Bloomberg. Ahhh, yeah.

–Barnes & Noble restroom, 82nd St

Wednesday One-Liners Should Be in Foster Care

Security guard to another: … So if you really want to take a gamble you buy a baby.

–Lobby, Psych building, NYU

Woman on cell: … And then he said he gonna kick mah baby ‘cross the street!

–Union Square

Overheard by: what??

Guy on skates to chick: … And these people, they eat their babies…

–West Village

Overheard by: Joe is So Friggin Amazing

Chick on cell: So, she trusted this woman to watch over her baby, right? And then she takes the baby to the zoo for a photo shoot and comes back with the wrong baby!

–Grocery store, 8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: So, what? You don’t want me to be in the baby’s life anymore? … Well, you know what? I did your sister! [Hangs up angrily.]

–Starbucks, 66th & 3rd

Lady: So I said to my sistah, ‘I ain’t goin’ to spend my weed money on your baby’s diapers!’

–Fulton Mall

Crosstown Wednesday One-Liners

Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets… Watch for pickpockets.

–B44 bus

Overheard by: Katia

Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We’ll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.

–Port Authority bus terminal

Bus driver: Happy New Year’s everyone. This is the New Year’s bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin’ as well. Let’s get this bus movin’.

–101 bus, 68th & 3rd

Overheard by: Sashanyc

Bus driver who wouldn’t let anyone pay to get on, claiming she’d won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y’all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. — meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won’t mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.

–M79 bus, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: mar

Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.

–86th St crosstown bus

Overheard by: Hannah Rose

Wednesday One-Liners: ‘That’s What She Said’

Biology professor to students: Now that you’ve got the basic structure, I’m going to bone you for a while.

–NYU

Overheard by: i’m in the hard class

Conductor: Okay, folks, we’re actually running ahead of schedule. We’ll be stopping for approximately 40 minutes, so if you like you can get out and spread your legs. Spread your– stretch your legs…

–Amtrak train into Penn

Overheard by: KT

Woman on cell: It’s from the car accident. I can’t really move my head, and he woke up stiff this morning, and that never happens.

–5 train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Woman: Maggie has stopped eating. She’s just not putting as many things in her mouth as she used to.


–Union Square market


Girl on cell: Hey, Mom. Hold on a second, I’m gonna three-way Dad… Oh, wow, weird.

–Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Mike

Guy on PA: Hey, Mark, could you do me a favor? Just put it in, please? Yeah, I need you to put it in right now. Thanks, Mark!

–PATH

Overheard by: Ferocious Russian

Wednesday One-Liners Ignore the Bloody Hand

Little old lady to little old hubby: Fuck you, Dick, I am not crossing against the light! I can’t do it. Fuck you!

–Houston & LaGuardia

Overheard by: Almost peed on myself from laughing

Little tourist to mom: We are jaywalking, yay!

–Outside Sak’s

Overheard by: also jaywalking

Guy on cell: … So it’s fucked up, nights in the city. Everyone jaywalks, and they all wear black… Shit, good point! Blacks! … Yeah, you get a black guy wearing black, jaywalking — that’s a perfect storm of trouble! … I dunno, but I bet it has something to do with why insurance is so high…

–Broadway & Bleecker

Two guys cross street on ‘Don’t walk’ signal as car is coming.

Traffic cop: Hit ‘em! Hit ‘em!

–35th & 5th

Overheard by: mike

Loud grandma tourist blocking crosswalk: What’s the matter with these people?! Why are they crossing the street? Can’t they see the ‘No crossing’ sign? Where do they think they’re going?

–Times Square

Tourist woman to crowd of pedestrians: No, don’t cross! Here comes the big red hand!

–51st & 5th

Overheard by: Micaela

Wednesday One-Liners Are Excellent Drivers, Excellent Drivers

Man to woman and her friend pushing a stroller: Listen, Jeanie, you like my sperm, and I like your car. I’m sure we can make a deal.

–60th & Central Park South

Firefighter after getting a call: Hey, boss, how many one-way streets do you think I can drive down the wrong way?

–Pathmark under Manhattan Bridge

Overheard by: tj

Midwestern woman in preppy clothes sticking head out passenger window of sedan: Excuse me, we’re trying to merge…

–Waiting to enter Lincoln Tunnel

Overheard by: Angela

Homeless musician with Casio keyboard plays entire intro to ‘Oye Como Va,’ then sings: Oye como va, ba da da, blah blah blah blah blah! [Abruptly stops] Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s what you get for not having a car.

–L train to Williamsburg

Overheard by: Subway Goer