Overheard In New York

Archive for March, 2007

But I’m Sure He Could Read My Lips in His Rearview Mirror

Guido #1: So the fuckin’ Chink cop hands me the ticket, and I say, ‘Fuck you, ya fuckin’ Chink-ass cocksucker. Take this ticket and shove it up your Chink ass, you lo mein-suckin’, General Tso-fuckin’, slanty-eyed fuck.’
Guido #2: You said that to him?!
Guido #1: Yeah, after he drove away.

–Kings Plaza Diner, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

At Least It’s Not One of Those Bowls with Decorative Balls in It

Guy #1: My relationship isn’t working out.
Guy #2: What’s wrong, dude?
Guy #1: Well, I woke up today and realized there was a vase sitting on the mantle.
Guy #2: What the hell does that have to do with it?
Guy #1: It has no purpose! It just sits there!
Guy #2: Um… I think that’s what vases usually do.
Guy #1: Exactly! That’s why I didn’t have any. They don’t do anything. They’re useless. There’s absolutely no reason to have one, and now all of a sudden, I do. [Desperately] What has happened to me?!

–Downtown bus stop

Lee Harvey Oswald, Acting Alone

Catholic pre-K teacher: On Good Friday bad men killed Jesus and he died.
Four-year-old boy: Who killed Jesus?! I will kill him with my gun!

–Queens Catholic Elementary School

Overheard by: Sophia

Good Insincerity, but You Blew Your Line

Big black man is minding own business when two-year-old child sitting behind him slaps him in the back of the head.

Big black guy turning around, startled: What the fuck?!
Child’s mother: What did I tell you about hitting people?! [Child shrugs his shoulders and looks confused.] I told you we don’t hit people. That’s not nice. Now, what do you say?
Child: Thaaank yooouuu. [Big black guy's eyes go very wide and he turns back around slowly.]

–N train

Overheard by: Trying not to laugh because that guy was pissed!

Jason’s Walking-Around License Gets Revoked

Burly man who pulled frat boy out of tracks: Dude, are you drunk?
Frat boy: Ah… Ah… I don’t know. I guess I had something to drink.
Burly man: Dude, next time you get on a train make sure it’s there first!

–1-2-3 platform, 96th St

The Idea Seems So Tawdry Now That I’m Peeing

Drunk redhead: Oh my god. I totally tore Hannah’s shirt tonight. I can’t believe I did that.
Friend in stall: Oh, she doesn’t even care, don’t worry about it.
Drunk redhead: But that was a new shirt! No one had ever worn it before, and now I ripped it. I was going to tell her to make up a crazy sex story about how it got torn, but I don’t know now.

–Restroom, Brother Jimmy’s, 80th & Amsterdam

Actual Easter Bunny: That Hits a Little Too Close to Home

Teen #1: So this kid, Jason — every time we go to a party, he takes a bunch of beers and hides them around whoever’s house we’re at.
Teen #2: You mean, where nobody could find them?
Teen #1: Yeah — in a potted plant, an underwear drawer, the mailbox — anywhere that will ensure him a beer later on.
Teen #2: Christ, he’s like an alcoholic Easter Bunny.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: derwin

How Lois Got a Sneezer

Barista: Okay, and a name for your cup?
Tourist: What?!
Barista: Name for your cup?
Tourist: Why would I want to name my cup?!
Barista: Just tell me your name.
Tourist: I shouldn’t have to tell you my name — what is your problem? [Turns to friend] My lord, New York is so weird…

–Starbucks, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Megan Cowles