Archive for March, 2007

If He Gives a Shit about Cards, He Is

Girl trying to find a card for her boyfriend: See, this one is too girly. And this one is more boyish and really nice… but it’s so sparkly!
Dude: Well, there are many sparkleful guys out there. Maybe your boyfriend is one.

–Hallmark Store, Staten Island Mall

You Done with That Needle?

Study group girl #1: I totally had no idea that hepatitis had anything to do with your liver.
Study group girl #2: Oh, I know! I thought it was just a disease. You know, like AIDS.

–Hormann Library, Wagner College, Staten Island

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Laugh Track

Queer on cell: … And all this blood came out! It was really a lot… What? No, I told him to go in the bathroom and get cleaned up! Turkish prison? … No, I get it, it’s just not funny.

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Flight attendant: Folks, we do ask if you have a turkey sandwich that you put some mustard on it and hand it to me as I walk down the aisle… Not funny? Oh, I thought it was.

–Jet Blue Flight 32 to Rochester, NY

Little girl to father: Everything in here is old and looks funny.

–Museum of Natural History

Guy: It wasn’t funny until he hurt himself — then it was fucking hilarious.

–Subway station, 28th & Park

Blonde: I’m not, like, racist or anything. I just think racism is really funny!

–Broadway

Overheard by: Homeless Guy

Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Drink and Download Music

First year law student on phone with mom: All I do anymore is study and have sex!

–Fordham University

Frat boy: … But the thing that really almost got me kicked out of college was when we installed the zip line…

–14th & University

Overheard by: rachel

Bimbette: I feel, like, if you can read and write, you’re set for life.

–1 train

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers

NYU ditz: Oh, I know, I love philosophy classes. You can just feel your mind turning in new ways, grasping at straws.

–Veselka

Overheard by: Bean

Blonde on cell: Well, duh, Dad. Obviously I wouldn’t take an archeology class if I wasn’t interested in what it’s like to be an architect… Yeah, an archeologist — that’s exactly what I said.

–Lincoln Center

Girl to lab instructor: Should I start thinking now?

–Barnard College

La Cage Aux Wednesday One-Liners

Queer on cell: And then, at the end of the evening, I was like, ‘Ta ta, motherfucker.’

–PATH train from Hoboken

Queer: There’s no such thing as gay and straight. I think of it more in terms of what people will let me do to them.

–101st & Broadway

Queer: She is so annoying. I’m like, ‘I’ll pay for your coffin, just die already!’

–E train

Overheard by: Miss Meliss

Flaming queer on cell: Hello? Are you listening to me? Are you listening, faggot? Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot!

–Broadway & Astor Pl

Overheard by: Renee B.

Proud queer: Today was the first time in years I peed like this! [Holds hands up] Didn’t have to wash my hands because I didn’t use ‘em!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Hametuka

Queer: Her name is Dakota! It’s just awful. Her parents hate her.

–Fordham Law School

Overheard by: emily

Wednesday One-Liners, Some Purple Stuff, Sunny D…

Queer on cell: Fiji water is so last year.

–Christopher St

Mad chick to man: And, you know, no, no! I am not going to IM you every time I’m drinking sangria!

–Nolita House, E Houston

Overheard by: amalthya

Girl: Oh my god! They have this iced tea here that’s, like, hot.

–Cosi’s, 13th & Broadway

Conductor: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the 3:50 a.m. whiskey whistle! Were they giving away booze in New York tonight?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: I wasn’t Drunk Though

Man: So, the officer said to me, ‘Ah, the old beer in a tube sock…’

–Judson Memorial Church, Washington Sq South

Overheard by: mrbojangles

NYU girl: Fruit punch is like fruit juice on ecstasy!

–Midtown

Overheard by: Ryan Hague

Mom to two-year-old: We’re going home now, and Mommy’s going to make a big, fat cocktail.

–Citibabes, Soho

Overheard by: wish i had a big fat cocktail

Female: I’m so thirsty I could almost drink water!

–Across from former Forward building

Overheard by: Avalanche

Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method

Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.

–Sephora, Broadway

Overheard by: linzz

Guy: … So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth…"

–Spring St

Overheard by: boston bobby

College guy on cell: He was like, ‘Shit, she’s got a bun in the oven!’ And I was like, ‘Oh, shit!’

–Columbia University

Overheard by: roo

Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that’s how he got her pregnant.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Wondering how that works

Preggers: I’m gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I’m not gonna have a miscarriage.

–Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn

Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I’m on my seventh month!

–Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th

Overheard by: EE Grimshaw

NYU girl on cell: … So then the doctor comes in and he goes, ‘Houston, we have a problem…" I know, right? What’s with doctors trying to be all funny when they’re telling you that you’re pregnant?

–NYU bus

Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners Make All Stops

Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!

–N train

Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why’s it gotta be Kings Highway?

–B train, Kings Highway station

Overheard by: I feel his pain

Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you’re screwed.

–1 train, 34th St

Overheard by: Nettle

Conductor: There’s another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I’m sure there is another F train behind us.

–F train

Overheard by: I can see the light too

Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train… Oh… I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we’re going uptown, so it doesn’t matter.

–2 train

Overheard by: andy kleiman

Conductor: We’re not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York’s finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we’re the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!

–A train, between 125th & 59th St

Wednesday One-Liners Report to Hindquarters

Angry black woman to white man close behind her: Son, you got a lotta ass on yo’ dick right now.

–Dense crowd, 4th & 6th

Overheard by: jealous?

Guy to friends: I’m not a one-ass guy, even if it is my own ass.

–26th & 8th

Large black man: I’m grabbin’ booties, so all y’all better move outta my way!

–37th & 7th

Overheard by: daniel

Ghetto fab guy: Well, tickle my ass an’ call me Mary Poppins…

–85th & 2nd

Overheard by: Mitorizu

Dude: My ass likes to eat things.

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hew, the bird

Suit: Now there’s an ass you could rest a loaf of bread on!

–Time Square

Crazy preacher: Lust is a sin. Women, don’t show your butts to men — cover them up, or the seven last plagues will cover them up for you.

–6 train

Overheard by: Zavreio