Chick: Do you know how I finally realized I was over him?
Friend: How?
Chick: In the past five years this was the first time I didn’t print out our AIM conversation.
Friend: Wow, that’s great.
–Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Trace
Archive for April, 2007
Funny Story — I Ended Up at a Different Orgy
Guy: So, tell me about this new boy.
Girl: Well, technically I’ve already slept with him.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Remember that orgy? The guy who wasn’t Richard? That was him.
Guy: You know, I wasn’t at that orgy.
–4th & Mercer
He’s Working His Way Up to “The Star Spangled Banner”
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Who are you?
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Thanks.
–Men’s room, CCNY
How It Sounds Is Not the Problem
Thug teen with high voice: I didn’t say, ‘Scratch the inside of your butthole.’ I said, ‘Scratch the inside of your asshole.’
Lady friend: What’s the difference?
Thug teen with high voice: ‘Butthole’ make it sound nice and almost innocent. ‘Asshole’ make it sound downright nasty.
–UA movie theater, Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: The Bling
Also Said My Cervix Looked Great
Hipster chick #1: Oh, so how did your pregnancy test thing go?
Hipster chick #2: It went really well, actually.
Hipster chick #1: Oh, really?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah, my manager emailed me and said it was the best thing I’ve ever done, which totally made my day.
–Broadway & Astor Pl
Overheard by: trailing behind
L’Asshole, C’est Moi
Chick #1: Dude, he’s totally got that Napoleon complex.
Chick #2: Nah, man, he’s just an asshole that happens to be short.
–F train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kryssy K.
Psh, Pussies Are for Pussies
Tranny teen #1: Y’all wig-wearin’ bitches just jealous ’cause my weave look fierce!
Tranny teen #2: I don’t care how fierce you think you look switching around with that horse hair tied all up in yo’ head. The minute you open yo’ mouf er’body know you ain’t got no pussy!
–PATH train from Newark to WTC
Overheard by: Manhattman
What Good Is Money If It Can’t Insulate Me from Other People?
Hobo: I have not eaten anything in three days and it’s freezing out. Could you find it in your heart to help me out?
Chick: I won’t give you money, but I will go into that deli and buy you dinner.
Hobo: Thank you so much. But I’m Jewish and if you don’t mind, I would really like a kosher sandwich from Mendy’s.
Chick: Oh, forget it — here’s five bucks!
–34th & Park
Sugar and Spice and Everything Ripe
Teen boy: You know, some guys think it’s cute when a girl farts.
Teen girl: That’s only until they smell it.
–1 train
Overheard by: anna
Headline by: jay
Runners-Up:
· “Dr. Strangelove or How I learned not to worry and love the bomb.” – Pavel
· “Find skidmarks in her panties and you’ve found a keeper” – Girls don’t do #2
· “Smells like teen sphincter” – Leon
· “Then they just get jealous.” – Peacock
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Gets ‘em Dinner Out Every Time
Male suit: That book you’re reading — Any Bitch Can Cook! — that’s funny.
Female suit: You know what ‘bitch’ stands for, right?
Male suit: What?
Female suit: Babe in total control of herself.
Guy at next table: I dunno. I know some bitches who are totally out of control.
–Chinese restaurant, Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry