Archive for May, 2007

Barn-Cured Virginia Wednesday One-Liners

Lady: You did things to me while I was sleeping! The truth will come out! … Can I have a cigarette? –74th & Ridge Blvd Conductor: There is no smoking on this train! There is no smoking on this train or the platform! I repeat, there is no smoking on this train! If you continue to smoke, I will stop this train and the gendarmes will come and get you! –Metro-North, Bronx Dude on cell: Hold on one sec, I’m watching Jimmy try to smoke a cigarette right now and it’s like watching a Special Olympics hurdler. –Upper West Side Overheard by: djw Girl on cell: Try smoking it. You should try smoking it. –26th & Broadway Hobo peeking in train: Hold the doors for me, okay? I’m just going to have a smoke. –C train Stoner chick: What if we actually want to bake something? We’ll have smoked all our vanilla extract! –Elderidge & Rivington Overheard by: Karin

Wednesday One-Liners Are Always True to You in Their Fashion

Girl on cell: Well, how would Mom know what to do? Back in the old days a woman who slept with your husband never baked you a pie! –5th Ave Overheard by: at a loss Guy: Man, I’ve been married two days and I want to cheat! –W 4th St station Overheard by: noseinabook Chick on cell: Oh my god, now they’re fighting… Yes! She’s screaming at him in the middle of street! No, she has no idea we got back together… I don’t know, but it’s really creepy — it’s like she knew we’d be here this morning — she walked in like two minutes after we did… Oh my god, she’s coming in! Quick, get down here and make out with me so she thinks I’m a lesbian! –Starbucks, Union Square Overheard by: That works… Guy at table: … And I’ve got my finger in another guy’s wife’s pussy, basically… –Outside Starbucks, Cooper Union Overheard by: Paul Woman on cell: I apologize in advance, but you know I love you. And if you weren’t married, I’d be in love with you. –35th & Lenox, Brooklyn Overheard by: Rei Middle-aged lady on cell: Okay, honey, bye-bye. I still love you even though you have a wife and kid. –JetBlue flight, JFK runway

Yo, It’s Wednesday One-Liners, You Know What I’m Sayin’?

Beefy Italian guy on cell: He’s got an equal opportunity to go fuck himself! –3rd St & Ave A Overheard by: Liz A. Italian chick: My brother got so many velours — he got more velours than the stores! –Staten Island Ferry Cranky Italian: No, no, no! That’s my problem with this city! They never give you a full glass of wine! –Midtown Italian guy to four friends: No. Fuck you, motherfucker! I used it in a sentence — you define it! –Spring & Mott Overheard by: Douglas A. Cheesman II Italian hardhat: Yo, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I found a girl with a little class, a little self-respect, that she’s not banging me two days after she knows me. I’m sorry if that upsets you. –75th & Madison Overheard by: Anne Italian mobster, after turning down wrong aisle: Oh, sugar! –Duane Reade, Fulton St Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners in Cat Eye Glasses

Hipster girl to hipster guy: … And it’s like, he cums on me and it’s like it doesn’t even mean anything! –L train platform, Union Square Overheard by: Ht-hrw Hipster: You know, ‘bedbugs’ is just a classy name for crabs. –7th & Ave A Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home. –14th St & Union Square South Overheard by: Almost Tourist Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute. –Outside The Slaughtered Lamb Overheard by: bonzo Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I’d had an abortion. –120th & Amsterdam Hipster: Well, I can’t help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins! –Montrose stop Overheard by: big baby Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There’s just something about her that really turns guys on, and it’s not just because she’s blind. –Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Master’s in Evacuation

Lady: Okay, it’s been 80 minutes. That means one of us has to go pee. –The Factory, Christopher St Man: Shit! Why isn’t this moving faster? I need to take a piss. Of course I can’t just take a piss right here, ’cause I need to be all proper and shit. –1 train Cute 20-ish foreign guy to lady friend: … And then I got peed on. I got peed on — on my face! I wanna get peed on again. –Bleecker, between MacDougal & 6th Ave Overheard by: WTF Mate Girl: Have you ever had to pee so bad that you get, like, high? –9th & 7th Loud chick on cell: I know, girl. That’s what I told her — he stays peeing on her and giving her mad STDs. –B46 bus, Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn Hardhat: I gotta go pee. Somebody kick me in the balls! –Chambers St station Overheard by: Cat Chick in stall: This is our first pee in New York City! –Restroom, Virgin Megastore Overheard by: it was mine too.

With Age Comes Wednesday One-Liners

Old lady looking at Underworld: Man, that Kate Beckinsale is really hot. I would so do her. –Public Library Overheard by: Robyn Old lady: No, man, I ain’t doin’ no E! I ain’t done no E in years! –86th & Lex Old lady with cane grumbling to self about jaywalker: Did you see that? He almost got hit by that cab. Too bad — he deserved to die! –Outside Sarge’s, 36th & 3rd Overheard by: Goofa Sutra Yogini Old man: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways… Pie. –Brighton Beach Old black lady on pay phone: ‘Do me up the butt’? No, no, honey. That is not the proper way to address a girl. –96th & Broadway Overheard by: davees Old man: What we need in America is more nappy-headed black women on television. That’s what we need to fight for. –Union Square Overheard by: Holly Kaye

Cortitos Del Miércoles

Saucy Latina: I don’t want to get a bikini wax if it won’t be sexual. –Dallas BBQ, Times Square Overheard by: Ladle Exasperated Latina: She makes me sin on freakin’ Ash Wednesday! –42nd St. 4 station Overheard by: Harriet Vane Latina on cell: Hey, just calling to say hi… And tell you I’m never gonna see you again. Okay, bye! –24th & 7th Whiny Latina: I don’t want to sweat today — I can’t mess up my hair! –New York Sports Club, Astoria Overheard by: MissPinkKate Loud Latina: He woke up and pissed in a bottle. I was like, ‘The bathroom’s right there! Why you gotta piss in a 40 bottle?’ –3 train Overheard by: EthanK Sassy Latina on cell: Well, you can just call your parents and tell them you’re a pig and need more than one woman and that’s why we aren’t getting married! –Near Steinway St, Queens Overheard by: ADC Latino thug: That’s what we do. That’s what we do when we hangin’ out with a girl: smoke a blunt, watch a movie, and then we fuck. That’s what we do. All my niggas, that’s what we do! –Ft Greene Overheard by: Andrew

Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It

Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo! –Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History Dad to seven-year-old son: If you’re gonna steal somethin’, you gotta steal somethin’ you can sell. –Museum of Natural History gift shop Overheard by: rufus Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big… Bang? What’s that? –Museum of Natural History Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It’s like you and Dad on your honeymoon! –Museum of Natural History Overheard by: Dottie Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children. –Museum of Natural History Mother: Stop screaming! They can’t hear you! –Museum of Natural History

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Freudian Slip

Announcer before start of women’s race: Women, please be careful of men trying to go in from behind. –Central Park Overheard by: Omar Man: Wow, this is the most nuts I’ve ever had in my mouth at one time! –Chocolate shop, Jane St & 8th Ave Chick pointing at T-Rex: Oh my god, it’s so big! Don’t you wanna just ride it? –Museum of Natural History Conductor: Sorry, folks. Looks like I’m having some trouble in my rear. –C train Overheard by: mosteen. MTA employee: Don’t just stick it in… No, you have to ease it in and glide it through. –A/C/E subway entrance, 44th St Overheard by: Patrick Mom to hubby holding sunscreen: Honey, did you lube up the kids? –Central Park, near 96th St tennis courts Lady to lesbian coworker: I wish somebody would warm up my muffin. –1250 Broadway