Archive for May, 2007

Barn-Cured Virginia Wednesday One-Liners

Lady: You did things to me while I was sleeping! The truth will come out! … Can I have a cigarette?

–74th & Ridge Blvd

Conductor: There is no smoking on this train! There is no smoking on this train or the platform! I repeat, there is no smoking on this train! If you continue to smoke, I will stop this train and the gendarmes will come and get you!

–Metro-North, Bronx

Dude on cell: Hold on one sec, I’m watching Jimmy try to smoke a cigarette right now and it’s like watching a Special Olympics hurdler.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: djw

Girl on cell: Try smoking it. You should try smoking it.

–26th & Broadway

Hobo peeking in train: Hold the doors for me, okay? I’m just going to have a smoke.

–C train

Stoner chick: What if we actually want to bake something? We’ll have smoked all our vanilla extract!

–Elderidge & Rivington

Overheard by: Karin

Wednesday One-Liners Are Always True to You in Their Fashion

Girl on cell: Well, how would Mom know what to do? Back in the old days a woman who slept with your husband never baked you a pie!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: at a loss

Guy: Man, I’ve been married two days and I want to cheat!

–W 4th St station

Overheard by: noseinabook

Chick on cell: Oh my god, now they’re fighting… Yes! She’s screaming at him in the middle of street! No, she has no idea we got back together… I don’t know, but it’s really creepy — it’s like she knew we’d be here this morning — she walked in like two minutes after we did… Oh my god, she’s coming in! Quick, get down here and make out with me so she thinks I’m a lesbian!

–Starbucks, Union Square

Overheard by: That works…

Guy at table: … And I’ve got my finger in another guy’s wife’s pussy, basically…

–Outside Starbucks, Cooper Union

Overheard by: Paul

Woman on cell: I apologize in advance, but you know I love you. And if you weren’t married, I’d be in love with you.

–35th & Lenox, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rei

Middle-aged lady on cell: Okay, honey, bye-bye. I still love you even though you have a wife and kid.

–JetBlue flight, JFK runway

Yo, It’s Wednesday One-Liners, You Know What I’m Sayin’?

Beefy Italian guy on cell: He’s got an equal opportunity to go fuck himself!

–3rd St & Ave A

Overheard by: Liz A.

Italian chick: My brother got so many velours — he got more velours than the stores!

–Staten Island Ferry

Cranky Italian: No, no, no! That’s my problem with this city! They never give you a full glass of wine!

–Midtown

Italian guy to four friends: No. Fuck you, motherfucker! I used it in a sentence — you define it!

–Spring & Mott

Overheard by: Douglas A. Cheesman II

Italian hardhat: Yo, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I found a girl with a little class, a little self-respect, that she’s not banging me two days after she knows me. I’m sorry if that upsets you.

–75th & Madison

Overheard by: Anne

Italian mobster, after turning down wrong aisle: Oh, sugar!

–Duane Reade, Fulton St

Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners in Cat Eye Glasses

Hipster girl to hipster guy: … And it’s like, he cums on me and it’s like it doesn’t even mean anything!

–L train platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Ht-hrw

Hipster: You know, ‘bedbugs’ is just a classy name for crabs.

–7th & Ave A

Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home.

–14th St & Union Square South

Overheard by: Almost Tourist

Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute.

–Outside The Slaughtered Lamb

Overheard by: bonzo

Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I’d had an abortion.

–120th & Amsterdam

Hipster: Well, I can’t help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins!

–Montrose stop

Overheard by: big baby

Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There’s just something about her that really turns guys on, and it’s not just because she’s blind.

–Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Master’s in Evacuation

Lady: Okay, it’s been 80 minutes. That means one of us has to go pee.

–The Factory, Christopher St

Man: Shit! Why isn’t this moving faster? I need to take a piss. Of course I can’t just take a piss right here, ’cause I need to be all proper and shit.

–1 train

Cute 20-ish foreign guy to lady friend: … And then I got peed on. I got peed on — on my face! I wanna get peed on again.

–Bleecker, between MacDougal & 6th Ave

Overheard by: WTF Mate

Girl: Have you ever had to pee so bad that you get, like, high?

–9th & 7th

Loud chick on cell: I know, girl. That’s what I told her — he stays peeing on her and giving her mad STDs.

–B46 bus, Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn

Hardhat: I gotta go pee. Somebody kick me in the balls!

–Chambers St station

Overheard by: Cat

Chick in stall: This is our first pee in New York City!

–Restroom, Virgin Megastore

Overheard by: it was mine too.

With Age Comes Wednesday One-Liners

Old lady looking at Underworld: Man, that Kate Beckinsale is really hot. I would so do her.

–Public Library

Overheard by: Robyn

Old lady: No, man, I ain’t doin’ no E! I ain’t done no E in years!

–86th & Lex

Old lady with cane grumbling to self about jaywalker: Did you see that? He almost got hit by that cab. Too bad — he deserved to die!

–Outside Sarge’s, 36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Goofa Sutra Yogini

Old man: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways… Pie.

–Brighton Beach

Old black lady on pay phone: ‘Do me up the butt’? No, no, honey. That is not the proper way to address a girl.

–96th & Broadway

Overheard by: davees

Old man: What we need in America is more nappy-headed black women on television. That’s what we need to fight for.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Holly Kaye

Cortitos Del Miércoles

Saucy Latina: I don’t want to get a bikini wax if it won’t be sexual.

–Dallas BBQ, Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

Exasperated Latina: She makes me sin on freakin’ Ash Wednesday!

–42nd St. 4 station

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Latina on cell: Hey, just calling to say hi… And tell you I’m never gonna see you again. Okay, bye!

–24th & 7th

Whiny Latina: I don’t want to sweat today — I can’t mess up my hair!

–New York Sports Club, Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Loud Latina: He woke up and pissed in a bottle. I was like, ‘The bathroom’s right there! Why you gotta piss in a 40 bottle?’

–3 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Sassy Latina on cell: Well, you can just call your parents and tell them you’re a pig and need more than one woman and that’s why we aren’t getting married!

–Near Steinway St, Queens

Overheard by: ADC

Latino thug: That’s what we do. That’s what we do when we hangin’ out with a girl: smoke a blunt, watch a movie, and then we fuck. That’s what we do. All my niggas, that’s what we do!

–Ft Greene

Overheard by: Andrew

Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It

Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!

–Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History

Dad to seven-year-old son: If you’re gonna steal somethin’, you gotta steal somethin’ you can sell.

–Museum of Natural History gift shop

Overheard by: rufus

Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big… Bang? What’s that?

–Museum of Natural History

Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It’s like you and Dad on your honeymoon!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Dottie

Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.

–Museum of Natural History

Mother: Stop screaming! They can’t hear you!

–Museum of Natural History