Archive for May, 2007

Barn-Cured Virginia Wednesday One-Liners

Lady: You did things to me while I was sleeping! The truth will come out! … Can I have a cigarette?

–74th & Ridge Blvd

Conductor: There is no smoking on this train! There is no smoking on this train or the platform! I repeat, there is no smoking on this train! If you continue to smoke, I will stop this train and the gendarmes will come and get you!

–Metro-North, Bronx

Dude on cell: Hold on one sec, I’m watching Jimmy try to smoke a cigarette right now and it’s like watching a Special Olympics hurdler.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: djw

Girl on cell: Try smoking it. You should try smoking it.

–26th & Broadway

Hobo peeking in train: Hold the doors for me, okay? I’m just going to have a smoke.

–C train

Stoner chick: What if we actually want to bake something? We’ll have smoked all our vanilla extract!

–Elderidge & Rivington

Overheard by: Karin

Wednesday One-Liners Are Always True to You in Their Fashion

Girl on cell: Well, how would Mom know what to do? Back in the old days a woman who slept with your husband never baked you a pie!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: at a loss

Guy: Man, I’ve been married two days and I want to cheat!

–W 4th St station

Overheard by: noseinabook

Chick on cell: Oh my god, now they’re fighting… Yes! She’s screaming at him in the middle of street! No, she has no idea we got back together… I don’t know, but it’s really creepy — it’s like she knew we’d be here this morning — she walked in like two minutes after we did… Oh my god, she’s coming in! Quick, get down here and make out with me so she thinks I’m a lesbian!

–Starbucks, Union Square

Overheard by: That works…

Guy at table: … And I’ve got my finger in another guy’s wife’s pussy, basically…

–Outside Starbucks, Cooper Union

Overheard by: Paul

Woman on cell: I apologize in advance, but you know I love you. And if you weren’t married, I’d be in love with you.

–35th & Lenox, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rei

Middle-aged lady on cell: Okay, honey, bye-bye. I still love you even though you have a wife and kid.

–JetBlue flight, JFK runway

Yo, It’s Wednesday One-Liners, You Know What I’m Sayin’?

Beefy Italian guy on cell: He’s got an equal opportunity to go fuck himself!

–3rd St & Ave A

Overheard by: Liz A.

Italian chick: My brother got so many velours — he got more velours than the stores!

–Staten Island Ferry

Cranky Italian: No, no, no! That’s my problem with this city! They never give you a full glass of wine!

–Midtown

Italian guy to four friends: No. Fuck you, motherfucker! I used it in a sentence — you define it!

–Spring & Mott

Overheard by: Douglas A. Cheesman II

Italian hardhat: Yo, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I found a girl with a little class, a little self-respect, that she’s not banging me two days after she knows me. I’m sorry if that upsets you.

–75th & Madison

Overheard by: Anne

Italian mobster, after turning down wrong aisle: Oh, sugar!

–Duane Reade, Fulton St

Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners in Cat Eye Glasses

Hipster girl to hipster guy: … And it’s like, he cums on me and it’s like it doesn’t even mean anything!

–L train platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Ht-hrw

Hipster: You know, ‘bedbugs’ is just a classy name for crabs.

–7th & Ave A

Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home.

–14th St & Union Square South

Overheard by: Almost Tourist

Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute.

–Outside The Slaughtered Lamb

Overheard by: bonzo

Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I’d had an abortion.

–120th & Amsterdam

Hipster: Well, I can’t help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins!

–Montrose stop

Overheard by: big baby

Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There’s just something about her that really turns guys on, and it’s not just because she’s blind.

–Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Master’s in Evacuation

Lady: Okay, it’s been 80 minutes. That means one of us has to go pee.

–The Factory, Christopher St

Man: Shit! Why isn’t this moving faster? I need to take a piss. Of course I can’t just take a piss right here, ’cause I need to be all proper and shit.

–1 train

Cute 20-ish foreign guy to lady friend: … And then I got peed on. I got peed on — on my face! I wanna get peed on again.

–Bleecker, between MacDougal & 6th Ave

Overheard by: WTF Mate

Girl: Have you ever had to pee so bad that you get, like, high?

–9th & 7th

Loud chick on cell: I know, girl. That’s what I told her — he stays peeing on her and giving her mad STDs.

–B46 bus, Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn

Hardhat: I gotta go pee. Somebody kick me in the balls!

–Chambers St station

Overheard by: Cat

Chick in stall: This is our first pee in New York City!

–Restroom, Virgin Megastore

Overheard by: it was mine too.

With Age Comes Wednesday One-Liners

Old lady looking at Underworld: Man, that Kate Beckinsale is really hot. I would so do her.

–Public Library

Overheard by: Robyn

Old lady: No, man, I ain’t doin’ no E! I ain’t done no E in years!

–86th & Lex

Old lady with cane grumbling to self about jaywalker: Did you see that? He almost got hit by that cab. Too bad — he deserved to die!

–Outside Sarge’s, 36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Goofa Sutra Yogini

Old man: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways… Pie.

–Brighton Beach

Old black lady on pay phone: ‘Do me up the butt’? No, no, honey. That is not the proper way to address a girl.

–96th & Broadway

Overheard by: davees

Old man: What we need in America is more nappy-headed black women on television. That’s what we need to fight for.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Holly Kaye

Cortitos Del Miércoles

Saucy Latina: I don’t want to get a bikini wax if it won’t be sexual.

–Dallas BBQ, Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

Exasperated Latina: She makes me sin on freakin’ Ash Wednesday!

–42nd St. 4 station

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Latina on cell: Hey, just calling to say hi… And tell you I’m never gonna see you again. Okay, bye!

–24th & 7th

Whiny Latina: I don’t want to sweat today — I can’t mess up my hair!

–New York Sports Club, Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Loud Latina: He woke up and pissed in a bottle. I was like, ‘The bathroom’s right there! Why you gotta piss in a 40 bottle?’

–3 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Sassy Latina on cell: Well, you can just call your parents and tell them you’re a pig and need more than one woman and that’s why we aren’t getting married!

–Near Steinway St, Queens

Overheard by: ADC

Latino thug: That’s what we do. That’s what we do when we hangin’ out with a girl: smoke a blunt, watch a movie, and then we fuck. That’s what we do. All my niggas, that’s what we do!

–Ft Greene

Overheard by: Andrew

Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It

Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!

–Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History

Dad to seven-year-old son: If you’re gonna steal somethin’, you gotta steal somethin’ you can sell.

–Museum of Natural History gift shop

Overheard by: rufus

Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big… Bang? What’s that?

–Museum of Natural History

Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It’s like you and Dad on your honeymoon!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Dottie

Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.

–Museum of Natural History

Mother: Stop screaming! They can’t hear you!

–Museum of Natural History

Wednesday One-Liners Get Prison Tats

Woman: If it’s not illegal, it’s not worth doing. That’s my motto.

–Walker & Broadway

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy on cell: If I put on some weight around the middle, I’ll just go to jail and get my six-pack back. I don’t give a fuck!

–Bay Ridge Pkwy & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: The Inimitable Karen

Mother to young son: If you do that again, Mommy’s going to send you to Rikers!

–Staples, the Village

Overheard by: Afraid of Tough Love

Man to female companion: Imagine the kind of cool stuff we could do if we didn’t have jobs. We’d totally learn how to be pickpockets. What’s the worst that could happen? We’d get arrested and thrown in jail for a couple days every once in a while, but we’d make so much money!

–Rockefeller Center

Pilot: … And to your left you’ll see Rikers Island, where I spend my weekends…

–Flight to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Drumm

Angry woman: Thank God that shit came back negative. Maybe I can drop them charges now!

–Free STD screening clinic, Brooklyn