Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!
–Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History
Dad to seven-year-old son: If you’re gonna steal somethin’, you gotta steal somethin’ you can sell.
–Museum of Natural History gift shop
Overheard by: rufus
Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big… Bang? What’s that?
–Museum of Natural History
Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It’s like you and Dad on your honeymoon!
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Dottie
Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.
–Museum of Natural History
Mother: Stop screaming! They can’t hear you!
–Museum of Natural History
Archive for May, 2007
Wednesday One-Liners Get Prison Tats
Woman: If it’s not illegal, it’s not worth doing. That’s my motto.
–Walker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guy on cell: If I put on some weight around the middle, I’ll just go to jail and get my six-pack back. I don’t give a fuck!
–Bay Ridge Pkwy & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: The Inimitable Karen
Mother to young son: If you do that again, Mommy’s going to send you to Rikers!
–Staples, the Village
Overheard by: Afraid of Tough Love
Man to female companion: Imagine the kind of cool stuff we could do if we didn’t have jobs. We’d totally learn how to be pickpockets. What’s the worst that could happen? We’d get arrested and thrown in jail for a couple days every once in a while, but we’d make so much money!
–Rockefeller Center
Pilot: … And to your left you’ll see Rikers Island, where I spend my weekends…
–Flight to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Drumm
Angry woman: Thank God that shit came back negative. Maybe I can drop them charges now!
–Free STD screening clinic, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Freudian Slip
Announcer before start of women’s race: Women, please be careful of men trying to go in from behind.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Omar
Man: Wow, this is the most nuts I’ve ever had in my mouth at one time!
–Chocolate shop, Jane St & 8th Ave
Chick pointing at T-Rex: Oh my god, it’s so big! Don’t you wanna just ride it?
–Museum of Natural History
Conductor: Sorry, folks. Looks like I’m having some trouble in my rear.
–C train
Overheard by: mosteen.
MTA employee: Don’t just stick it in… No, you have to ease it in and glide it through.
–A/C/E subway entrance, 44th St
Overheard by: Patrick
Mom to hubby holding sunscreen: Honey, did you lube up the kids?
–Central Park, near 96th St tennis courts
Lady to lesbian coworker: I wish somebody would warm up my muffin.
–1250 Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are Coming to Dinner
Guy on cell: I eat ass like a champion.
–Havemeyer & S 1st St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: EA
Scary old guy to pretty woman: Oooh, girl, you look so fine. Tell your husband I want to bite your kneecaps off.
–West Village
Lady on cell: Yeah, I’m really hungry, too. I could really eat some nice wallpaper right about now.
–83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Debbie
Woman: I’d rather eat homeless person’s cum than ever eat plain yogurt again.
–Clinton & Stanton
Creepy guy: Let me put it this way: I might not be compelled to eat a puppy, but I just might eat a baby. There’s just something unattractive about them.
–Bus to Penn Station
Mother to screaming child: If you don’t stop crying I am going to eat you!
–100th & Broadway
Overheard by: briana
Bouncer to girl showing ID: You’re so beautiful. I wanna put you on a pedestal… and eat your ass.
–West Village
Overheard by: RBNY
Wednesday One-Liners Make Way for the Mammals
20-something dude to girl exiting train: Well, good luck with the pterodactyl!
–N train, Broadway stop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dinosaywhat?
Mother to teen daughter: It would be a fetusaurus!
–E 8th St, between 6th & Broadway
Overheard by: Wondering if she means "an abortion"
Thug wannabe: So, it was like a dinosaur, but it had an ass.
–Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Kevp
Little boy: You know what I wish? I wish there were no more zebras… or dinosaurs.
–Museum of Natural History
Teen boy to kid brother: You know why the dinosaurs died out? ‘Cause you touch yourself at night!
–14th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Stella
Wait, What Have You Been Doing with It until Now?
Preschool girl: Mom, can we go to that restaurant? I’m so hungry!
Mom: No, we’re almost home.
Preschool girl: But Mom! I’m so hungry I just drank my own spit!
–M86 bus, 86th & York
Overheard by: Cynthia
You Just Need to Stop Hanging around with Grad Students
College student: Hey, what’s up?
Grad student, slowly: The stench of humanity is strong within my nostrils.
–Hungarian Pastry Shop
I Need a Proposal That Comes in a Serious Park, or from a Non-Pedophile
Girl: I can’t believe you took me to Bryant Park to propose to me!
Boy: But I want to marry you!
Girl: And you got down on one knee and what did you expect me to say?
Boy: That you will marry me?
Girl: But I can’t marry you — you sleep with boys!
–B train, 42nd St
Every Day Is a String of Missed Opportunities for Bong Hits
Lady suit #1: You still on drugs?
Lady suit #2: I’m trying…
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Shai Googly
Right Now I’m Just Using a Carrot As a Placeholder
Chick: Oh, that’s cute — you’ve got a long distance girlfriend? Do you have a lot of phone or web sex?
Dude: Uh, no. We’re not really into that.
Chick: Oh, I know what you mean. I gotta have a dick in me for sure.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Chuckles