Archive for June, 2007

Wednesday One-Liners Take Flight

Hobo to girl on cell: Marry me! [Girl shakes her head.] Chicken! –8th & Broadway Black guy on cell: You ain’t no spring chicken, and you ain’t no Donald Trump. You gotta be considerate. You gotta stick it inside that girl. –8th & Broadway Overheard by: Barbara Black guy to stubborn pigeon: Bird, don’t think I won’t fuck you up. –61st St Overheard by: bill r Lady: She could be humping a chicken for all I care… –1 train Overheard by: ChiChi Blonde: She is the last person that should be allowed to live next to a rooster. –W 45th & Broadway Overheard by: MW

Wednesday One-Liners with Botched Cosmetic Surgery

Lady suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about the post-modernism on my forehead? –Starbucks, The Villiage Girl on cell: No, no… I don’t think you understand — my hips are two different sizes! You don’t know what this is going to do to my self-esteem. –Columbia University Overheard by: i should have gone to harvard Chick on cell: … Yes, it’s coming out of my abdomen… –Washington Square South Overheard by: Tyler Wifey to hubby, looking at statue: They got the knees just right! You know how I’ve been looking at my knees a lot? –The Met Overheard by: sweetchuck Skinny tween boriqua: Yo, I’m gonna take all the fat from my stomach and put it on my ass. –231st & Broadway Overheard by: KK Hot chick: Well, you don’t have arm testicles. –East Houston St, near BHSEC MTA lady to another: She got a lot o’ heart for a pussy! –4/5/6 train underpass, 59th St

Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons

Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie. –9th St & Ave A Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth. –Outside The Grand, 58th St Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop. –LIRR Overheard by: Dan Girl: But he didn’t even kiss me at the club! We didn’t kiss until the hospital, and it wasn’t even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn’t kiss me back. –Café, Union Square Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass! –NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long

Hairy guy: She’d be like, ‘Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!’ –Amtrak Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn’t even get me a fuckin’ vibrator! –51st & 9th Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma’s too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga. –Brooklyn-bound L train Overheard by: Mitchell Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won’t work out because he’s gay and I’m a lesbian, but he says I’m the sexiest person with a strap-on he’s ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it. –Franklin & Church Overheard by: Jenny Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like. –72nd & Broadway Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it? –Rivington & Ludlow Overheard by: aryn

Who’s Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude: Yeah, I’m sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb! –Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle Overheard by: elizabeth Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don’t even say sorry. That’s rude — just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he’s for sure gon’ start right back there. –A train Overheard by: Jim W. Lady on cell: Sorry, I can’t meet you for lunch. It’s been a long day — I got divorced, it was my dad’s birthday, and I need to get groceries. –19th, between 5th & 6th Waiter: I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’ve just sold our last sole. –ESCA restaurant Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We’ll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well… you get Newark, sorry. –Flight 3188 into LaGuardia Overheard by: Wendy to the right Suit: I don’t know why people still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re really sorry. –Park Slope Overheard by: Tom

Wednesday One-Liners Turn the Meter On

Cabbie, as man opens passenger-side door: Wait. I am not mentally prepared for this! –W 50th Cabbie on cell: Hello? I’m going to beat you up… ‘Cause I want to! –23rd & Lex Exasperated cabbie: Why is there a house driving down Delancey Street? –Delancey & Chrystie Overheard by: Les Chinatown Cabbie on cell: No, no, it is not possible. I cannot possibly be back in the city by then — I am at the airport…I could maybe make it back into the city to see you in, like, two hours if traffic isn’t bad in the Bronx. Man, the airport is really packed today. –99th & Amsterdam Overheard by: Laughing in the back Cabbie, after getting cut off by another: Goddamn cabbies. –30th & 5th

Wednesday One-Liners Get an “A” in Conduct

Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out… I’ll see you in Babylon… –LIRR train leaving Penn Station Overheard by: Bill Reese Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we’re off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down. –Metro-North Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan… apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street. –D train Overheard by: i don’t like that dude Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street. –F train Overheard by: Eileen Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don’t think I know how to swim. –Metro-North Overheard by: mark Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river! –NJ Transit, Penn Station Overheard by: Care Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren’t, it still is. –LIRR Overheard by: Xavier

Vampire Wednesday One-Liners of Sodom

Father to kids cupping statue’s penis: Come on, girls, it’s time to leave. You’ll be lesbians before you know it. –Time Warner Center Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice! –Times Square Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes Lesbian: You’re upset that the woman could tell we’re dykes. I’m upset that she insulted us because we’re dykes. –16th & 1st Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush. –207th St station Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown! –E/V platform, 5th Ave

Here We See the Archetypal Enabler

Teen girl #1: Yeah, so John totally wants me to give him head even though I barely know him and we’ve never even hooked up.
Teen girl #2: That’s so weird.
Teen girl #1: I know! It’d be such a slutty thing to do. And I’ve never even given a blowjob before.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, totally.
Teen girl #1: Then again, I feel like giving head is something I should do before I turn 16.
Teen girl #2: Good point.
Teen girl #1: So I’m totally going to do it.
Teen girl #2: Awesome, I can give you tips! –Metro-North