Archive for June, 2007

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Idols of Millions of Suburban White Boys

Thug to friends: Look, whatever, but I have never found myself with a girl who has no face.

–Columbia University

Thug: Yo, I got a huge blunt in my pocket… Oh, wait, that’s my inhaler.

–Q train

Overheard by: djingo

Thug: Fuck that. Fuck that, nigga! If Bill Gates offered me 20 billion dollars to suck his cock, I’d swallow. Fuck.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: I would, too.

Thug athlete, after soccer game: You always be playin’ that shit. You play that shit here, you play that shit in basketball, you play that shit in choir…

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: this guy

Thug on cell: I don’t know where I was, but they’s Germans everywhere in this hood! They on my left, right. Damn! [Looks around anxiously] Now I know how Patton felt, son!

–14th & Driggs

Teen thug to friend: Yo, man, have you looked at a map of Manhattan? Know what that shit looks like?!

–W 79th

Overheard by: Nikki W.

Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons

Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie.

–9th St & Ave A

Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth.

–Outside The Grand, 58th St

Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dan

Girl: But he didn’t even kiss me at the club! We didn’t kiss until the hospital, and it wasn’t even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn’t kiss me back.

–Café, Union Square

Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!

–NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long

Hairy guy: She’d be like, ‘Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!’

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr

Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn’t even get me a fuckin’ vibrator!

–51st & 9th

Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma’s too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Mitchell

Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won’t work out because he’s gay and I’m a lesbian, but he says I’m the sexiest person with a strap-on he’s ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it.

–Franklin & Church

Overheard by: Jenny

Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like.

–72nd & Broadway

Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it?

–Rivington & Ludlow

Overheard by: aryn

Who’s Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude: Yeah, I’m sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!

–Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle

Overheard by: elizabeth

Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don’t even say sorry. That’s rude — just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he’s for sure gon’ start right back there.

–A train

Overheard by: Jim W.

Lady on cell: Sorry, I can’t meet you for lunch. It’s been a long day — I got divorced, it was my dad’s birthday, and I need to get groceries.

–19th, between 5th & 6th

Waiter: I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’ve just sold our last sole.

–ESCA restaurant

Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We’ll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well… you get Newark, sorry.

–Flight 3188 into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Wendy to the right

Suit: I don’t know why people still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re really sorry.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Tom

Wednesday One-Liners Turn the Meter On

Cabbie, as man opens passenger-side door: Wait. I am not mentally prepared for this!

–W 50th

Cabbie on cell: Hello? I’m going to beat you up… ‘Cause I want to!

–23rd & Lex

Exasperated cabbie: Why is there a house driving down Delancey Street?

–Delancey & Chrystie

Overheard by: Les Chinatown

Cabbie on cell: No, no, it is not possible. I cannot possibly be back in the city by then — I am at the airport…I could maybe make it back into the city to see you in, like, two hours if traffic isn’t bad in the Bronx. Man, the airport is really packed today.

–99th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Laughing in the back

Cabbie, after getting cut off by another: Goddamn cabbies.

–30th & 5th

Wednesday One-Liners Get an “A” in Conduct

Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out… I’ll see you in Babylon…

–LIRR train leaving Penn Station

Overheard by: Bill Reese

Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we’re off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.

–Metro-North

Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan… apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.

–D train

Overheard by: i don’t like that dude

Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.

–F train

Overheard by: Eileen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don’t think I know how to swim.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: mark

Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Overheard by: Care

Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren’t, it still is.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Xavier

Vampire Wednesday One-Liners of Sodom

Father to kids cupping statue’s penis: Come on, girls, it’s time to leave. You’ll be lesbians before you know it.

–Time Warner Center

Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes

Lesbian: You’re upset that the woman could tell we’re dykes. I’m upset that she insulted us because we’re dykes.

–16th & 1st

Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.

–207th St station

Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!

–E/V platform, 5th Ave

Here We See the Archetypal Enabler

Teen girl #1: Yeah, so John totally wants me to give him head even though I barely know him and we’ve never even hooked up.
Teen girl #2: That’s so weird.
Teen girl #1: I know! It’d be such a slutty thing to do. And I’ve never even given a blowjob before.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, totally.
Teen girl #1: Then again, I feel like giving head is something I should do before I turn 16.
Teen girl #2: Good point.
Teen girl #1: So I’m totally going to do it.
Teen girl #2: Awesome, I can give you tips!

–Metro-North