Archive for August, 2007

Waiter, There’s a Fly in My Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: I’m on my way to Outback Steakhouse! No one knows I go there.

–E 13th & 5th

Mom to teen daughter: This is a very interesting place. It kind of has a European feel.

–Au Bon Pain, 8th St

Pixie-hipster girl: Yeah, y’know, I haven’t done much since I moved here. I’ve mostly been walking around the village eating at vegan restaurants.

–Rocks Off Concert Cruise

Loud chick on cell: You know I don’t believe in going to chains in New York…

–Cosi, 77th & Broadway

Overheard by: me neither

Chubs: Restaurant week is like Hanukkah for us fatties!

–Little West 12th & 9th

Overheard by: j9

Wednesday One-Liners Keep K-Y in Business

Man on cell, playfully: Who are you? Who are you? Why are you in my house? Who are you? Where’s my wife? If I come home and you’re still there, I’m going to stick a hot sausage up there… A hot sausage up there! And a hot dog up your butthole. A hot sausage up there and a hot dog on the other side, and we’ll see who gets which one first.

–President & 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Chick: I don’t know how much further up his ass I need to be. I mean, I’m already really far up his ass already…

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Alan

Hipster girl: … And then he had his finger up my boyfriend’s asshole!

–Cargo Cafe, Staten Island

Student: If a steak comes out of your butt, I’ll worship you. Screw school — you can just win bets by betting on whether a steak will come out of your butt. Just put a towel and move it away and be, like, ‘Ta-da!’

–CCNY

Overheard by: Liz

Where the Fuck Are Wednesday One-Liners?

20-ish girl: Is this the line for the park?

–Line for Neue Gallery, 85th & Madison

Elderly Hindu getting off bus: Where is New York?

–Port Authority

High school girl looking at Lincoln Center: Oh my god, what’s that mall over there?!

–64th & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter

Pharmacy employee: Can I get to the UK by train or something?

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rebecca Cukier

Bimbette: Madagascar was made up for the movie, right?

–The Met

Wednesday One-Liners Bring a Dripping, Burning Sensation

High school chick: You can totally get rid of syphilis with a pill. I know, because my boyfriend gave it to me.

–Gravy Restaurant, Brooklyn

Hipster to friend: If it’s me we’re talking about, I’d rather have HIV than syphilis. But that’s just me.

–Norfolk & Rivington

Overheard by: passerby

Teen girl on cell: There’s no way I’m inviting her to my Sweet Sixteen. I mean, she gave my brother herpes!

–Urban Outfitters, Soho

JAP on cell: Ummm… Some crazy lady just threw her coffee all over my legs. You don’t think I’ll get AIDS, do you?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Christina

Old lady on cell: Well, HIV isn’t contagious…

–JFK

WASP lady on cell: Woo-hoo! Herpes! Mexican herpes! Yay!

–57th & Madison

Overheard by: benvolio

Excited white gangsta: … And all’s they did was take some blood from the baby and sees that it had gonorrhea, and I was cleared!

–148th & 3rd, Bronx

Homer Simpson Loves His Spider-Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I was afraid I was going to say something like, ‘I named my fetal pig after you!’

–40th & 8th

Man: Sent him a picture — it wasn’t him. When he got there, it was a fat little pig…

–43rd & 9th

Overheard by: cjs

UWS mom to baby in stroller: This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, this little piggy had tofu, this little piggy had none… And this little piggy went, ‘Wee, wee, wee!’ all the way home.

–1 train, 79th St

Overheard by: PJ

Woman: Pigs are much happier in Europe. I know.

–Court St., Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Katie Bunny

Wednesday One-Liners Are Real, and They’re Spectacular

Huge black lady: ‘Nequa! [Skinny girl does not respond, but continues napping on her friend’s pillow-like chest.] ‘Nequa! I said get up offa my bress!

–E 125th St

Black dude to chick: Stop touching my titties! I’m gonna bite you in your strong-ass shoulder.

–Times Square

20-ish girl: My third tit is in the shop.

–Fabiane’s, Williamsburg

Overheard by: olga

Chick to doughnut: Don’t go to my stomach, okay? Just go to my titties.

–125th & Broadway

White guy holding hands with Asian girl: Okay, well, how do you say, ‘May I please grab your boobies’?

–46th & 9th

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Madame Blavatsky’s Secret Wednesday One-Liners

Frumpy drunk lady to NYU kids: When we were cavemen we were more telepathic.

–Essex Ale House

Overheard by: jen

Ghetto chick arguing with coworker: … And I won’t be dealing with you for the simple fact that I don’t like your aura!

–Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital

Overheard by: tricia

Conductor to bewildered passenger who missed his stop: So, you remember when I was sayin’ that if you aren’t in the first five cars the doors wouldn’t open at South Ferry? Well, you weren’t in the first five cars, and the doors didn’t open at South Ferry. I’m fuckin’ psychic like that.

–1 train platform, Rector St

Overheard by: Scott

Girl on date: So it’s really bad, ’cause I’ve got this thinking problem. It’s like, I can’t ever concentrate because I’m just always thinking! … So, let me tell you why numerology cards work best for Scorpios.

–122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: HuntingSnark

Big black guy on cell: Hope you meditate yourself into a coma!

–Lawrence St