Archive for August, 2007

Who Would Be Middle Aged And Be Sober?

Middle-aged lady: Look at that girl! Drunk and it’s not even four PM!
Friend: She’s not drunk, it’s just her shoes!
Middle-aged lady: But… Who would wear high heels and be sober?

–1st & 1st

Overheard by: eliza… the one with the heels

Headline by: Lalaith

Runners-Up:
· “British Comedians in Drag?” – Barry P.
· “I’ll Take Old Trades for $100, Alex” – Martin de Bruin
· “She’s Also Not a She. Not Originally Anyway.” – eric bostrom
· “The Same People Who Wear Crocs While Not Stoned Out Of Their Minds” – Cecilia
· “With Ann Coulter, You Can Never Be Sure.” – Jon T


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Would Date That Rock

Comic geek: Talking kryptonite?! That was the worst thing ever!
Cute employee: Oh, yeah?
Comic geek: Yeah! A couple years ago they did a story that was narrated by Arkham Asylum. I mean, that made sense. Fuckin’ Arkham! But talking kryptonite? What the fuck is that?
Other employee: Maybe it wasn’t kryptonite. Maybe it was just a rock with green paint and low self-esteem.

–Midtown Comics, Grand Central

Waiter, There’s a Fly in My Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: I’m on my way to Outback Steakhouse! No one knows I go there.

–E 13th & 5th

Mom to teen daughter: This is a very interesting place. It kind of has a European feel.

–Au Bon Pain, 8th St

Pixie-hipster girl: Yeah, y’know, I haven’t done much since I moved here. I’ve mostly been walking around the village eating at vegan restaurants.

–Rocks Off Concert Cruise

Loud chick on cell: You know I don’t believe in going to chains in New York…

–Cosi, 77th & Broadway

Overheard by: me neither

Chubs: Restaurant week is like Hanukkah for us fatties!

–Little West 12th & 9th

Overheard by: j9

Wednesday One-Liners Have Lipstick on Their Collars

Chick on cell: It was amazing! We spent the entire night together. We really connected. It just doesn’t seem like his wife knows him at all… Well, okay, Dad, gotta run. Love you, too.

–Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn

JAP with coldsore: I can’t date Jewish guys anymore. I mean, I really like Jewish guys, but I can’t stand them. Just because I’m dating someone, it doesn’t mean I can’t have sex with someone else!

–Murray Hill Diner

Chick: I thought it was bad being cheated on with an underage albino, but at least she wasn’t a fat tranny.

–42nd St

Girl on cell: I really had to talk about it, and I knew I couldn’t leave anything about our relationship on his answering machine! His wife listens to that! And his kids!

–67th & Broadway

Hipster chick: The married one I was having an affair with — if he MySpaced me, it’d be rude not to MySpace his wife, right?

–Mott & Prince

Wednesday One-Liners Keep K-Y in Business

Man on cell, playfully: Who are you? Who are you? Why are you in my house? Who are you? Where’s my wife? If I come home and you’re still there, I’m going to stick a hot sausage up there… A hot sausage up there! And a hot dog up your butthole. A hot sausage up there and a hot dog on the other side, and we’ll see who gets which one first.

–President & 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Chick: I don’t know how much further up his ass I need to be. I mean, I’m already really far up his ass already…

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Alan

Hipster girl: … And then he had his finger up my boyfriend’s asshole!

–Cargo Cafe, Staten Island

Student: If a steak comes out of your butt, I’ll worship you. Screw school — you can just win bets by betting on whether a steak will come out of your butt. Just put a towel and move it away and be, like, ‘Ta-da!’

–CCNY

Overheard by: Liz

Where the Fuck Are Wednesday One-Liners?

20-ish girl: Is this the line for the park?

–Line for Neue Gallery, 85th & Madison

Elderly Hindu getting off bus: Where is New York?

–Port Authority

High school girl looking at Lincoln Center: Oh my god, what’s that mall over there?!

–64th & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter

Pharmacy employee: Can I get to the UK by train or something?

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rebecca Cukier

Bimbette: Madagascar was made up for the movie, right?

–The Met

Wednesday One-Liners Bring a Dripping, Burning Sensation

High school chick: You can totally get rid of syphilis with a pill. I know, because my boyfriend gave it to me.

–Gravy Restaurant, Brooklyn

Hipster to friend: If it’s me we’re talking about, I’d rather have HIV than syphilis. But that’s just me.

–Norfolk & Rivington

Overheard by: passerby

Teen girl on cell: There’s no way I’m inviting her to my Sweet Sixteen. I mean, she gave my brother herpes!

–Urban Outfitters, Soho

JAP on cell: Ummm… Some crazy lady just threw her coffee all over my legs. You don’t think I’ll get AIDS, do you?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Christina

Old lady on cell: Well, HIV isn’t contagious…

–JFK

WASP lady on cell: Woo-hoo! Herpes! Mexican herpes! Yay!

–57th & Madison

Overheard by: benvolio

Excited white gangsta: … And all’s they did was take some blood from the baby and sees that it had gonorrhea, and I was cleared!

–148th & 3rd, Bronx