Middle-aged lady: Look at that girl! Drunk and it’s not even four PM!
Friend: She’s not drunk, it’s just her shoes!
Middle-aged lady: But… Who would wear high heels and be sober?
–1st & 1st
Overheard by: eliza… the one with the heels
Headline by: Lalaith
Runners-Up:
· “British Comedians in Drag?” – Barry P.
· “I’ll Take Old Trades for $100, Alex” – Martin de Bruin
· “She’s Also Not a She. Not Originally Anyway.” – eric bostrom
· “The Same People Who Wear Crocs While Not Stoned Out Of Their Minds” – Cecilia
· “With Ann Coulter, You Can Never Be Sure.” – Jon T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Archive for August, 2007
I Would Date That Rock
Comic geek: Talking kryptonite?! That was the worst thing ever!
Cute employee: Oh, yeah?
Comic geek: Yeah! A couple years ago they did a story that was narrated by Arkham Asylum. I mean, that made sense. Fuckin’ Arkham! But talking kryptonite? What the fuck is that?
Other employee: Maybe it wasn’t kryptonite. Maybe it was just a rock with green paint and low self-esteem.
–Midtown Comics, Grand Central
She Spent an Hour in Her Driveway This Morning Telling Her Car to Go
Clerk to woman trying to use debit card: You have to confirm.
Woman: How I do that?
Clerk: With the keypad you’re holding.
Woman, using keypad as cell phone: I confirm!
–Electronic store, Times Square
Overheard by: French dude
Every Straight Man. Every Single Time.
Girl holding tally sheet: Do you want to stick this in my thinger?
Male coworker: You’re lucky it’s me. In the real world–
Girl holding tally sheet: –In the real world people wouldn’t take it there.
–NYU SCPS
Overheard by: she’s lucky i’m gay
White People: Oh Snap, Yo!
Black teen #1, after horror movie preview: Oh, snap, yo!
Black teen #2: Stop being black at the movies!
Black teen #1, in a high voice: Oh, that was totally cool!
–Regal Theater, 42nd St
Overheard by: Rachel
Waiter, There’s a Fly in My Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: I’m on my way to Outback Steakhouse! No one knows I go there.
–E 13th & 5th
Mom to teen daughter: This is a very interesting place. It kind of has a European feel.
–Au Bon Pain, 8th St
Pixie-hipster girl: Yeah, y’know, I haven’t done much since I moved here. I’ve mostly been walking around the village eating at vegan restaurants.
–Rocks Off Concert Cruise
Loud chick on cell: You know I don’t believe in going to chains in New York…
–Cosi, 77th & Broadway
Overheard by: me neither
Chubs: Restaurant week is like Hanukkah for us fatties!
–Little West 12th & 9th
Overheard by: j9
Wednesday One-Liners Have Lipstick on Their Collars
Chick on cell: It was amazing! We spent the entire night together. We really connected. It just doesn’t seem like his wife knows him at all… Well, okay, Dad, gotta run. Love you, too.
–Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn
JAP with coldsore: I can’t date Jewish guys anymore. I mean, I really like Jewish guys, but I can’t stand them. Just because I’m dating someone, it doesn’t mean I can’t have sex with someone else!
–Murray Hill Diner
Chick: I thought it was bad being cheated on with an underage albino, but at least she wasn’t a fat tranny.
–42nd St
Girl on cell: I really had to talk about it, and I knew I couldn’t leave anything about our relationship on his answering machine! His wife listens to that! And his kids!
–67th & Broadway
Hipster chick: The married one I was having an affair with — if he MySpaced me, it’d be rude not to MySpace his wife, right?
–Mott & Prince
Wednesday One-Liners Keep K-Y in Business
Man on cell, playfully: Who are you? Who are you? Why are you in my house? Who are you? Where’s my wife? If I come home and you’re still there, I’m going to stick a hot sausage up there… A hot sausage up there! And a hot dog up your butthole. A hot sausage up there and a hot dog on the other side, and we’ll see who gets which one first.
–President & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Chick: I don’t know how much further up his ass I need to be. I mean, I’m already really far up his ass already…
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Alan
Hipster girl: … And then he had his finger up my boyfriend’s asshole!
–Cargo Cafe, Staten Island
Student: If a steak comes out of your butt, I’ll worship you. Screw school — you can just win bets by betting on whether a steak will come out of your butt. Just put a towel and move it away and be, like, ‘Ta-da!’
–CCNY
Overheard by: Liz
Don’t Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Twist!
Hot British chick on cell, looking through her bag: Oh, dear! I still have your knickers!
–Outside FIT
Overheard by: epsd101
Disgusted teen to pals: You don’t put dirty underwear in a Marc Jacobs handbag!
–75th & Park
Overheard by: Oh to be Priveledged…
Whiny girl: I feel so shitty tonight, like if my D cups were B cups or something.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Trixie
Asian guy to another: By the end of the summer, both of us better be A cups!
–Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Girl: What do you mean you don’t know?! Look in your underwear!
–12th & 1st
Overheard by: Thinking about my tighty-whities
Wednesday One-Liners Give a Hoot and Don’t Pollute
Conductor: Last call for trash… Last call for trash… One last, desperate call for trash…
–Amtrak, Penn Station
Overheard by: wondering why he wanted trash so badly
Lady: I can say this without any rancor in my heart: She is a piece of human garbage.
–Houston & Hudson
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
JAP on cell: Ugh, I hate when they ask me to buy a Coach purse! I wouldn’t even buy it retail. Like, really, do I look like white trash?
–Canal St
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a reminder not to litter on the trains… ‘Cause if you litter, I’ll get all up in your grill like George Foreman. Thank you.
–R train, Whitehall station
Overheard by: creepy
Guy on cell: Guess what I did yesterday? I peed in a bottle… Wait, that’s not even the best part! Afterward, I threw it down the trash chute. What? Too much information?
–33rd St, between 3rd & Lex
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson