Archive for August, 2007

Homer Simpson Loves His Spider-Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I was afraid I was going to say something like, ‘I named my fetal pig after you!’

–40th & 8th

Man: Sent him a picture — it wasn’t him. When he got there, it was a fat little pig…

–43rd & 9th

Overheard by: cjs

UWS mom to baby in stroller: This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, this little piggy had tofu, this little piggy had none… And this little piggy went, ‘Wee, wee, wee!’ all the way home.

–1 train, 79th St

Overheard by: PJ

Woman: Pigs are much happier in Europe. I know.

–Court St., Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Katie Bunny

Wednesday One-Liners Are Real, and They’re Spectacular

Huge black lady: ‘Nequa! [Skinny girl does not respond, but continues napping on her friend’s pillow-like chest.] ‘Nequa! I said get up offa my bress!

–E 125th St

Black dude to chick: Stop touching my titties! I’m gonna bite you in your strong-ass shoulder.

–Times Square

20-ish girl: My third tit is in the shop.

–Fabiane’s, Williamsburg

Overheard by: olga

Chick to doughnut: Don’t go to my stomach, okay? Just go to my titties.

–125th & Broadway

White guy holding hands with Asian girl: Okay, well, how do you say, ‘May I please grab your boobies’?

–46th & 9th

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Madame Blavatsky’s Secret Wednesday One-Liners

Frumpy drunk lady to NYU kids: When we were cavemen we were more telepathic.

–Essex Ale House

Overheard by: jen

Ghetto chick arguing with coworker: … And I won’t be dealing with you for the simple fact that I don’t like your aura!

–Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital

Overheard by: tricia

Conductor to bewildered passenger who missed his stop: So, you remember when I was sayin’ that if you aren’t in the first five cars the doors wouldn’t open at South Ferry? Well, you weren’t in the first five cars, and the doors didn’t open at South Ferry. I’m fuckin’ psychic like that.

–1 train platform, Rector St

Overheard by: Scott

Girl on date: So it’s really bad, ’cause I’ve got this thinking problem. It’s like, I can’t ever concentrate because I’m just always thinking! … So, let me tell you why numerology cards work best for Scorpios.

–122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: HuntingSnark

Big black guy on cell: Hope you meditate yourself into a coma!

–Lawrence St

Does He Fight You for It?

Drunk girl #1: My boyfriend likes to swallow his ejacu– Ejacu–
Drunk girl #2: It’s ‘ejaculate.’
Drunk girl #1: Is that normal?

–Manhattan-bound L train

Overheard by: What is normal?

Hitler: If Only I Had Thought of That!

Girl: Are you freaking kidding? We’ll get arrested!
British boy: No one gets mad at people with accents.
Girl: I don’t have an accent, in case you hadn’t noticed.
German boy in wheelchair: They can’t get mad at me! I’m foreign! And I can’t walk!

–Central Park