Archive for August, 2007

Where the Fuck Are Wednesday One-Liners?

20-ish girl: Is this the line for the park?

–Line for Neue Gallery, 85th & Madison

Elderly Hindu getting off bus: Where is New York?

–Port Authority

High school girl looking at Lincoln Center: Oh my god, what’s that mall over there?!

–64th & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter

Pharmacy employee: Can I get to the UK by train or something?

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rebecca Cukier

Bimbette: Madagascar was made up for the movie, right?

–The Met

Wednesday One-Liners Bring a Dripping, Burning Sensation

High school chick: You can totally get rid of syphilis with a pill. I know, because my boyfriend gave it to me.

–Gravy Restaurant, Brooklyn

Hipster to friend: If it’s me we’re talking about, I’d rather have HIV than syphilis. But that’s just me.

–Norfolk & Rivington

Overheard by: passerby

Teen girl on cell: There’s no way I’m inviting her to my Sweet Sixteen. I mean, she gave my brother herpes!

–Urban Outfitters, Soho

JAP on cell: Ummm… Some crazy lady just threw her coffee all over my legs. You don’t think I’ll get AIDS, do you?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Christina

Old lady on cell: Well, HIV isn’t contagious…

–JFK

WASP lady on cell: Woo-hoo! Herpes! Mexican herpes! Yay!

–57th & Madison

Overheard by: benvolio

Excited white gangsta: … And all’s they did was take some blood from the baby and sees that it had gonorrhea, and I was cleared!

–148th & 3rd, Bronx

Homer Simpson Loves His Spider-Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I was afraid I was going to say something like, ‘I named my fetal pig after you!’

–40th & 8th

Man: Sent him a picture — it wasn’t him. When he got there, it was a fat little pig…

–43rd & 9th

Overheard by: cjs

UWS mom to baby in stroller: This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, this little piggy had tofu, this little piggy had none… And this little piggy went, ‘Wee, wee, wee!’ all the way home.

–1 train, 79th St

Overheard by: PJ

Woman: Pigs are much happier in Europe. I know.

–Court St., Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Katie Bunny

Wednesday One-Liners Are Real, and They’re Spectacular

Huge black lady: ‘Nequa! [Skinny girl does not respond, but continues napping on her friend's pillow-like chest.] ‘Nequa! I said get up offa my bress!

–E 125th St

Black dude to chick: Stop touching my titties! I’m gonna bite you in your strong-ass shoulder.

–Times Square

20-ish girl: My third tit is in the shop.

–Fabiane’s, Williamsburg

Overheard by: olga

Chick to doughnut: Don’t go to my stomach, okay? Just go to my titties.

–125th & Broadway

White guy holding hands with Asian girl: Okay, well, how do you say, ‘May I please grab your boobies’?

–46th & 9th

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Kiss on the Mouth

Guy: Man, I don’t have any money… I wish I was a prostitute.

–Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Kay

Man on cell: She ain’t gettin’ it. I’ll tell you what we’re going to do — we’re going to fire all the women. The one time a month we need ‘em, we’ll hire hookers.

–Washington Square Park

Man on cell: Don’t call her a prostitute! That’s my mom you’re talking about. You lived with her — was she a prostitute then? No, she was not!

–92nd & 1st

Overheard by: Jessie’s Girl

Suit: So have you considered prostitution? I’m not saying you should do it, but have you thought about it?

–N train

Hipster: She was movie hooker! You hardly ever see a movie hooker in real life!

–Central Park

Overheard by: wondering what they were talking about

JAP on cell: Fulton Street is big! Not as big as your appetite for hookers, but big enough!

–Broadway & Nassau

Overheard by: nbtd

Guy to friends at table: My dad owns a crackwhore house, and he wonders why his electric bills are so high!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Genna and Elaina

Madame Blavatsky’s Secret Wednesday One-Liners

Frumpy drunk lady to NYU kids: When we were cavemen we were more telepathic.

–Essex Ale House

Overheard by: jen

Ghetto chick arguing with coworker: … And I won’t be dealing with you for the simple fact that I don’t like your aura!

–Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital

Overheard by: tricia

Conductor to bewildered passenger who missed his stop: So, you remember when I was sayin’ that if you aren’t in the first five cars the doors wouldn’t open at South Ferry? Well, you weren’t in the first five cars, and the doors didn’t open at South Ferry. I’m fuckin’ psychic like that.

–1 train platform, Rector St

Overheard by: Scott

Girl on date: So it’s really bad, ’cause I’ve got this thinking problem. It’s like, I can’t ever concentrate because I’m just always thinking! … So, let me tell you why numerology cards work best for Scorpios.

–122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: HuntingSnark

Big black guy on cell: Hope you meditate yourself into a coma!

–Lawrence St

Does He Fight You for It?

Drunk girl #1: My boyfriend likes to swallow his ejacu– Ejacu–
Drunk girl #2: It’s ‘ejaculate.’
Drunk girl #1: Is that normal?

–Manhattan-bound L train

Overheard by: What is normal?