Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: Mayor Bloomberg is a pol pot, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and I am trying to get some money for a snack wrap. Your kindness is appreciated.
–4 train
Overheard by: Scotty H.
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have walked many, many miles, and I have sucked many, many dicks, but I… [doors close].
–E train, W 4th
Hobo rattling coin can as WASP lady passes: Mrs. Rockefeller, pay yo’ bills!
–79th & Lex
Overheard by: Clook
Hobo to another: So, I hear you’re an international spy now.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: tj
Wheelbo: Can somebody give me some money so I can buy a Rolex? Please hurry. I want to know what time it is.
–80th & Broadway
Archive for October, 2007
Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Trans Fats
Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin’ Donuts?
–42nd St & Queens Blvd
Overheard by: court
Lady to friend: Did you want to go here or Kentucky Fried Chicken? Yeah, lets go to KFC. The chicken here looks like it was soaked in grease. I want fried chicken.
–Yips, 18 Beaver St
Subway performer: Can you guys help me out? I take pennies, I take hundreds, I take business cards… Hell, I take white people’s shoes and socks! [To random passenger] Awww, shit, girl — I take phone numbers, too! … You like White Castle? Daaamn.
–Downtown 4/5 Train
Overheard by: Bemused Spectator
Girly man: So I’m like, ‘I’m at Tace Bell, and I don’t know if I should order the quesadilla or a taco,’ and she’s like, ‘Is this an emergency?’ and I’m like, ‘No, but I paid for this service…’
–Bank of America
Sex ad space salesman to client on phone: Yeah the [Village] Voice is the McDonald’s of sex ads.
–Classified office, New York Observer
Overheard by: Seanzi
Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills
Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away… then that means she really likes you.
–Union Square
Dude: I’m needy and you do stuff for me. That’s how our relationship works.
–2nd Ave. & St. Mark’s Place
Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she’s definitely your type. She’s definitely your type… Yup, she’s bow-legged and pigeon-toed…
–16th & 6th
Boyfriend: Listen, you’re dissatisfied with me, and I’m dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.
–32nd & 6th
Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don’t wish that. I wish you’d like girls, but you’d find me so attractive that every time you’d even look at another girl, you’d find her ugly compared to me.
–36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Eryn
NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend — I don’t need a social life.
–Starbucks
Wednesday One-Liners Pass on Their Wisdom
Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.
–F train
Overheard by: trieze
Old man in power wheelchair: Move, motherfuckers, unless you want some rubber up yo’ ass.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Deniz G
Old guy: In the Boy Scouts they tell you to pray and… put your testicles on ice.
–W 58th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Old lady: You turn around and say ‘Excuse me’ or I’ll punch your fucking face in!
–42nd St and 5th Ave
Old man: … And all these bikes keep running red lights. I just wish I had a big stick — I would shove it through their spokes!
–2nd Ave station
Old bitter woman to husband: I don’t understand sex.
–72nd & 2nd
Overheard by: imsorry
Wednesday One-Liners Will Use a Condom Next Time
Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.
–7th Ave, Park Slope
Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin’ to be hip? You tryin’ to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?
–Prospect Park
Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let’s try this — how ’bout I throw you on the ground?!
–13th & 5th
Mother to chatty child: Don’t you have your pacifier? So pacify!
–Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn
Child-free woman to stranger’s crying baby: Oh, wait, things get much worse.
–Throggs Neck, Bronx
Overheard by: Jeri
Wednesday One-Liners Are Enough to Gag a Maggot
Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.]
–A train
Asian kid to another: It’s hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I’ma kill you!
–D train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sitting behind them
Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere!
–Central Park
Man: It smells like an STD in here.
–E train
Irish lad: A man’s baseball cap should always stink a wee bit.
–U-Haul rental place, Broadway
Overheard by: Kerry
Only Wednesday One-Liners Get to Use the N-Word
Black woman to tanning salon flyer guy soliciting her: Nigga, you be blind!
–W 4th St & 6th Ave
White woman on cell: I cannot meet you there — that’s a black neighborhood. [Looks around. to find that everyone else in line is black, and pharmacist is black.] Oops.
–Duane Reade
Little girl pointing at black receptionist: Pocahontas!
–Dermatologist, UES
Overheard by: Kate
Black suit: Oh, I’m the only black man in America who watches Felicity?!
–Washington Square Park
Black queer on cell: I believe she set black people back 20 years by rhyming ‘Lexington’ with ‘Nextel.’
–Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: Pies
Sports editor: We need more magical black men.
–Columbia Spectator office
Overheard by: Kavitha
Jesus Was a Wednesday One-Liner!
Shiksa: No, I’m not Jewish. I just have a blood disease.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Natalie
Worker: So. if you go on the first floor, it has all the information on Jewish heritage. The second floor is mainly about the Holocaust and the Nazis and why we hate them. And the third floor is just about Jewish life today.
–Museum of Jewish Heritage
Chick: Jews and gypsies are totally the same thing…
–9th & 2nd
Overheard by: lezbotron
Teen girl: I mean, I may have no morals, but I will not fuck a Jew on Yom Kippur.
–Union Square
Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That’s why only Jews are allowed to hitchhike.
–Main St
Wednesday Takes It Up the One-Liner
Rotund black woman, to no one in particular: I like a hood nigga,. I like a nigga to dick me in the butt while I’m smoking a blunt.
–West Village
Loud Jamaican man yelling to friend: When I stick my penis up your butt, there ain’t no turnin’ back! You’re gonna have hemorrhoids!
–25th & 7th
Overheard by: Becka
Dude: … And then she wouldn’t even shake my hand. I mean, I’ve had my dick in your ass, and you won’t even shake my hand? What kind of shit is that?
–F train
Tween to friends: I told him, ‘If it don’t fit in my mouth, it won’t fit in my butt.’
–Bx9 bus, Kingsbridge Terrace
Overheard by: Krisztina
Angry student: He fucked me in the ass, okay? In the ass!
–NYU
I See London, I See France, I See Wednesday’s One-Liners!
Blonde: So, I woke up and Jessica’s underwear was still on my head…
–P.S. 1, Queens
Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! … I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!
–Grand Central
Chick on cell: I do have underwear in my purse in case I need it.
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady to son: Well, it is never appropriate to ask a woman about her undergarments.
–20th & 8th
Hoochie: He offered me 10 dollars for my underwear, but I wouldn’t do it.
–St. Mark’s & 1st
Overheard by: Nina