Archive for October, 2007

Wednesday One-Liners Think You Haven’t Heard the One about the United Negro Pizza Fund

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: Mayor Bloomberg is a pol pot, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and I am trying to get some money for a snack wrap. Your kindness is appreciated.

–4 train

Overheard by: Scotty H.

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have walked many, many miles, and I have sucked many, many dicks, but I… [doors close].

–E train, W 4th

Hobo rattling coin can as WASP lady passes: Mrs. Rockefeller, pay yo’ bills!

–79th & Lex

Overheard by: Clook

Hobo to another: So, I hear you’re an international spy now.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: tj

Wheelbo: Can somebody give me some money so I can buy a Rolex? Please hurry. I want to know what time it is.

–80th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Trans Fats

Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin’ Donuts?

–42nd St & Queens Blvd

Overheard by: court

Lady to friend: Did you want to go here or Kentucky Fried Chicken? Yeah, lets go to KFC. The chicken here looks like it was soaked in grease. I want fried chicken.

–Yips, 18 Beaver St

Subway performer: Can you guys help me out? I take pennies, I take hundreds, I take business cards… Hell, I take white people’s shoes and socks! [To random passenger] Awww, shit, girl — I take phone numbers, too! … You like White Castle? Daaamn.

–Downtown 4/5 Train

Overheard by: Bemused Spectator

Girly man: So I’m like, ‘I’m at Tace Bell, and I don’t know if I should order the quesadilla or a taco,’ and she’s like, ‘Is this an emergency?’ and I’m like, ‘No, but I paid for this service…’

–Bank of America

Sex ad space salesman to client on phone: Yeah the [Village] Voice is the McDonald’s of sex ads.

–Classified office, New York Observer

Overheard by: Seanzi

Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills

Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away… then that means she really likes you.

–Union Square

Dude: I’m needy and you do stuff for me. That’s how our relationship works.

–2nd Ave. & St. Mark’s Place

Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she’s definitely your type. She’s definitely your type… Yup, she’s bow-legged and pigeon-toed…

–16th & 6th

Boyfriend: Listen, you’re dissatisfied with me, and I’m dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.

–32nd & 6th

Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don’t wish that. I wish you’d like girls, but you’d find me so attractive that every time you’d even look at another girl, you’d find her ugly compared to me.

–36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Eryn

NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend — I don’t need a social life.

–Starbucks

Wednesday One-Liners Pass on Their Wisdom

Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.

–F train

Overheard by: trieze

Old man in power wheelchair: Move, motherfuckers, unless you want some rubber up yo’ ass.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Deniz G

Old guy: In the Boy Scouts they tell you to pray and… put your testicles on ice.

–W 58th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Jon A.

Old lady: You turn around and say ‘Excuse me’ or I’ll punch your fucking face in!

–42nd St and 5th Ave

Old man: … And all these bikes keep running red lights. I just wish I had a big stick — I would shove it through their spokes!

–2nd Ave station

Old bitter woman to husband: I don’t understand sex.

–72nd & 2nd

Overheard by: imsorry

Wednesday One-Liners Will Use a Condom Next Time

Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin’ to be hip? You tryin’ to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?

–Prospect Park

Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let’s try this — how ’bout I throw you on the ground?!

–13th & 5th

Mother to chatty child: Don’t you have your pacifier? So pacify!

–Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn

Child-free woman to stranger’s crying baby: Oh, wait, things get much worse.

–Throggs Neck, Bronx

Overheard by: Jeri

Wednesday One-Liners Are Enough to Gag a Maggot

Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.]

–A train

Asian kid to another: It’s hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I’ma kill you!

–D train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sitting behind them

Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere!

–Central Park

Man: It smells like an STD in here.

–E train

Irish lad: A man’s baseball cap should always stink a wee bit.

–U-Haul rental place, Broadway

Overheard by: Kerry

Only Wednesday One-Liners Get to Use the N-Word

Black woman to tanning salon flyer guy soliciting her: Nigga, you be blind!

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

White woman on cell: I cannot meet you there — that’s a black neighborhood. [Looks around. to find that everyone else in line is black, and pharmacist is black.] Oops.

–Duane Reade

Little girl pointing at black receptionist: Pocahontas!

–Dermatologist, UES

Overheard by: Kate

Black suit: Oh, I’m the only black man in America who watches Felicity?!

–Washington Square Park

Black queer on cell: I believe she set black people back 20 years by rhyming ‘Lexington’ with ‘Nextel.’

–Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: Pies

Sports editor: We need more magical black men.

–Columbia Spectator office

Overheard by: Kavitha

Jesus Was a Wednesday One-Liner!

Shiksa: No, I’m not Jewish. I just have a blood disease.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Natalie

Worker: So. if you go on the first floor, it has all the information on Jewish heritage. The second floor is mainly about the Holocaust and the Nazis and why we hate them. And the third floor is just about Jewish life today.

–Museum of Jewish Heritage

Chick: Jews and gypsies are totally the same thing…

–9th & 2nd

Overheard by: lezbotron

Teen girl: I mean, I may have no morals, but I will not fuck a Jew on Yom Kippur.

–Union Square

Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That’s why only Jews are allowed to hitchhike.

–Main St

Wednesday Takes It Up the One-Liner

Rotund black woman, to no one in particular: I like a hood nigga,. I like a nigga to dick me in the butt while I’m smoking a blunt.

–West Village

Loud Jamaican man yelling to friend: When I stick my penis up your butt, there ain’t no turnin’ back! You’re gonna have hemorrhoids!

–25th & 7th

Overheard by: Becka

Dude: … And then she wouldn’t even shake my hand. I mean, I’ve had my dick in your ass, and you won’t even shake my hand? What kind of shit is that?

–F train

Tween to friends: I told him, ‘If it don’t fit in my mouth, it won’t fit in my butt.’

–Bx9 bus, Kingsbridge Terrace

Overheard by: Krisztina

Angry student: He fucked me in the ass, okay? In the ass!

–NYU

I See London, I See France, I See Wednesday’s One-Liners!

Blonde: So, I woke up and Jessica’s underwear was still on my head…

–P.S. 1, Queens

Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! … I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!

–Grand Central

Chick on cell: I do have underwear in my purse in case I need it.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Lady to son: Well, it is never appropriate to ask a woman about her undergarments.

–20th & 8th

Hoochie: He offered me 10 dollars for my underwear, but I wouldn’t do it.

–St. Mark’s & 1st

Overheard by: Nina