Archive for November, 2007

I’ll Make a Toast with My 40 and Put a Cap in Your Ass with My .38

Son: I wasn’t talking about drinking champagne.
Mom: You don’t know anything. You make a toast with champagne, not 40s!

–Bushwick

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Headline by: Hobo Whisperer

Runners-Up:
· “Miss Manners Said So” – John
· “Not According to “Martha Stewart’s Bronx Living”, Mom” – Gabbertoons
· “Parenting on the Rocks?” – crystal
· “Shows What You Know About the Elite and Enviable Life Of the Fratboy.” – danielle
· “Spike Lee Fights the Power” – glenntronic


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Get Lockjaw

Thug: I really gotta figure out a new way to ask for a blowjob.

–Soho

Overheard by: Emily McInerney

Guy to coworkers: So wait, a blowjob is exactly like sitting on a toilet?

–40th & 6th

Lady: Oy! Don’t even get me started… Unless we’re talking about gay men blowing each other, in which case, I have no problem with that.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk girl to friend hooking up: Just suck his dick and let’s go…

–Bar, Brooklyn

Chick on cell: Ah, bottle fellatio. I remember doing that in high school for a bunch of guys.

–Amtrak into Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Teen after HIV workshop: Yo, don’t have anal, bro. Get your penis licked!

–Banana Kelly High School, Bronx

Overheard by: nooners

Tramp-Stamped Wednesday One-Liners

Tattoo flyer guy: Tattoos… They hurt like hell!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Thug: I spread her ass out and she had a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of one cheek and a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of the other!

–JMZ

Dude: Well, I’ve got a tattoo of Calvin peeing on my butthole.

–Bedford & N 7th

Overheard by: Dylan

Man on cell: Mother! You got a tattoo? You hoodlum!

–Dean & DeLuca

TA: Anyone who needs his last name tattooed on his side has to be a real fucktard.

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

A Matter of Life and Wednesday One-Liners

Asian chick: I guess upstate is just one big… thing. And the people up there are, like, robots. They have so many rules… And what are they for? I mean, they’re to kill people… And I am anti-violence.

–NYU bus

Overheard by: Moose

Crazy lady to frustrated friends: All she needs to do is fucking die, okay?

–Woodside Station

Overheard by: Jesse

NYU student: Last time I did the Ouija board it told me I was going to die… Then it turned out to be right.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: only cats have nine lives

Conductor: The consequence of using a cell phone in the quiet car is… the death penalty.

–Amtrak to Boston

Five-year-old boy: But Dad, it was a dead gypsy!

–Washington & Rector

Middle-aged woman to younger woman, matter-of-fact: … And it’s not like you meant to kill her. You were just fooling around.

–E 12th St, between 5th Ave & University Pl

Overheard by: Liz A

There’s No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!

Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that’s right — crying about how my life turned out.

–Rachel’s Restaurant

Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it’s really a family bonding experience, so it’s good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that’s even better!

–Shea Stadium

Drug dealer to crying girl: Don’t cry. Buy some weed.

–Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson

Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom!

–L platform, Lorimer.

Overheard by: einladle

Stoner: If by crying you mean ‘ice cream and ecstasy,’ then yeah.

–9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ryan H

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Pet the Rabbits, George

Teacher, stopping abruptly in middle of lecture: Just for the record, I’m from Atlanta. Hence the accent. You were probably thinking I’m retarded or something… Nope… Just from the South.

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Overheard by: Tomato

NYU student on cell: Okay, um I don’t want to offend you or anything, but you are so totally retarded!

–Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Big white dude on cell: … And that’s why we’re obviously killing people — because people are retarded.

–6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: fast walker

Black guy: There are 52 states in the U.S., and not one of them has a retarded black person.

–61st & Amsterdam

Woman to gay friend: You’re not retarded — you’re just creative.

–19th & 8th