Archive for November, 2007

Tramp-Stamped Wednesday One-Liners

Tattoo flyer guy: Tattoos… They hurt like hell!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Thug: I spread her ass out and she had a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of one cheek and a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of the other!

–JMZ

Dude: Well, I’ve got a tattoo of Calvin peeing on my butthole.

–Bedford & N 7th

Overheard by: Dylan

Man on cell: Mother! You got a tattoo? You hoodlum!

–Dean & DeLuca

TA: Anyone who needs his last name tattooed on his side has to be a real fucktard.

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

There’s No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!

Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that’s right — crying about how my life turned out.

–Rachel’s Restaurant

Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it’s really a family bonding experience, so it’s good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that’s even better!

–Shea Stadium

Drug dealer to crying girl: Don’t cry. Buy some weed.

–Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson

Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom!

–L platform, Lorimer.

Overheard by: einladle

Stoner: If by crying you mean ‘ice cream and ecstasy,’ then yeah.

–9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ryan H

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Pet the Rabbits, George

Teacher, stopping abruptly in middle of lecture: Just for the record, I’m from Atlanta. Hence the accent. You were probably thinking I’m retarded or something… Nope… Just from the South.

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Overheard by: Tomato

NYU student on cell: Okay, um I don’t want to offend you or anything, but you are so totally retarded!

–Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Big white dude on cell: … And that’s why we’re obviously killing people — because people are retarded.

–6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: fast walker

Black guy: There are 52 states in the U.S., and not one of them has a retarded black person.

–61st & Amsterdam

Woman to gay friend: You’re not retarded — you’re just creative.

–19th & 8th

Wednesday, As in “One-Liners”

Station announcer: There is a Brooklyn-bound D-as-in-Double-U train approaching Broadway-Lafayette…

–Broadway-Lafayette platform

Man on cell: A is for fuckin’ apple!

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Zarek

Child punching smaller sibling: A! B! C! D! E! F! G!

–6th Ave, between 8th & 9th St

Lady conductor: This is the Q train. That’s Q, as in ‘quickie…’ Which y’all better not be havin’ on my train!

–Q train to 57th St

Receptionist on phone: Is that Z as in ‘zebra,’ or Z as in ‘xylophone’?

–Doctor’s office, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: Heavy D

To Wednesday, Perchance to One-Liner

Conductor: Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey!

–Penn Station

College girl: Oh, no-no-no-no. Do not even get me started on teacher-student fantasies, okay? I have dreamed about my senior year English teacher every night for months, okay? It’s magical, yet haunting, yet I’m terrified but don’t want it to stop. It’s taken over my mind. So don’t even try to compete with me on teacher-student fantasies. You will lose.

–Columbia University

Middle schooler: Sometimes, when I look at certain people, I feel so tired.

–School bus stop, 5th & 5th

Chick: I know, and I’m addicted to dreams, too!

–Broadway & Washington Pl

Overheard by: Janet

Conductor: We now return you to your regularly scheduled nap, already in progress.

–Metro-North, 125th St

A Slutathon of Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl on cell: So, I ended up giving him head in a closet at Allie’s party. Am I a skank? Yes. Do I care? No.

–Starbucks

Chick on cell: I have casual, meaningless sex. It’s what I do. It’s like a cornerstone of my life… Yeah, so why is he calling me to tell me what he’s buying at the grocery store? It’s like, ‘Call your fucking girlfriend for that.’

–E 93rd & 2nd

Overheard by: aunt petunia

Man on cell: … Coming from a woman who’s having an adulterous affair. Yes, I’m a total slut. I take no offense at that.

–Broadway, between Prince & Spring

Overheard by: Leslie G.

Saucy chick: I was hoping you had a juicy connection to him via a slutty friend at Oberlin.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Chick on cell: Of course I will be in your wedding party, as long as you don’t call me ‘maid.’ I looked up the definition, and it means ‘sexually inexperienced.’ They don’t call it ‘man-whore of honor.’

–Bus stop, Flatbush & 7th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lala

Dude to chick: Having self respect is too hard. You should be a slut. At least for a little while.

–Chambers St

Overheard by: maria

Wednesday and Its One-Linericiousness

Black chick to friend: Are you sure you want to invite them? They aren’t re-niggers, are they? You know, niggers that renege a lot?

–Dressing room, Roosevelt Field Mall

Overheard by: horrified in the next dressing room

Guy on cell: They fucked with me! I need to get into those classes, and now I won’t graduate ’til… Neveruary!

–9th & 2nd

Bimbette on cell: But you can’t lollygag! You can’t even textygag!

–Metro-North

Professor: Hmmm… Blackboard is down… That could be problematical.

–Baruch College

Overheard by: I Am McLoVey

Young mom to squirming toddler: Why is you beastin’?

–Lexington Ave