Archive for November, 2007

Tramp-Stamped Wednesday One-Liners

Tattoo flyer guy: Tattoos… They hurt like hell!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Thug: I spread her ass out and she had a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of one cheek and a ‘W’ tattooed on the inside of the other!

–JMZ

Dude: Well, I’ve got a tattoo of Calvin peeing on my butthole.

–Bedford & N 7th

Overheard by: Dylan

Man on cell: Mother! You got a tattoo? You hoodlum!

–Dean & DeLuca

TA: Anyone who needs his last name tattooed on his side has to be a real fucktard.

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

A Matter of Life and Wednesday One-Liners

Asian chick: I guess upstate is just one big… thing. And the people up there are, like, robots. They have so many rules… And what are they for? I mean, they’re to kill people… And I am anti-violence.

–NYU bus

Overheard by: Moose

Crazy lady to frustrated friends: All she needs to do is fucking die, okay?

–Woodside Station

Overheard by: Jesse

NYU student: Last time I did the Ouija board it told me I was going to die… Then it turned out to be right.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: only cats have nine lives

Conductor: The consequence of using a cell phone in the quiet car is… the death penalty.

–Amtrak to Boston

Five-year-old boy: But Dad, it was a dead gypsy!

–Washington & Rector

Middle-aged woman to younger woman, matter-of-fact: … And it’s not like you meant to kill her. You were just fooling around.

–E 12th St, between 5th Ave & University Pl

Overheard by: Liz A

There’s No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!

Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that’s right — crying about how my life turned out.

–Rachel’s Restaurant

Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it’s really a family bonding experience, so it’s good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that’s even better!

–Shea Stadium

Drug dealer to crying girl: Don’t cry. Buy some weed.

–Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson

Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom!

–L platform, Lorimer.

Overheard by: einladle

Stoner: If by crying you mean ‘ice cream and ecstasy,’ then yeah.

–9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ryan H

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Pet the Rabbits, George

Teacher, stopping abruptly in middle of lecture: Just for the record, I’m from Atlanta. Hence the accent. You were probably thinking I’m retarded or something… Nope… Just from the South.

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Overheard by: Tomato

NYU student on cell: Okay, um I don’t want to offend you or anything, but you are so totally retarded!

–Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Big white dude on cell: … And that’s why we’re obviously killing people — because people are retarded.

–6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: fast walker

Black guy: There are 52 states in the U.S., and not one of them has a retarded black person.

–61st & Amsterdam

Woman to gay friend: You’re not retarded — you’re just creative.

–19th & 8th

Wednesday, As in “One-Liners”

Station announcer: There is a Brooklyn-bound D-as-in-Double-U train approaching Broadway-Lafayette…

–Broadway-Lafayette platform

Man on cell: A is for fuckin’ apple!

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Zarek

Child punching smaller sibling: A! B! C! D! E! F! G!

–6th Ave, between 8th & 9th St

Lady conductor: This is the Q train. That’s Q, as in ‘quickie…’ Which y’all better not be havin’ on my train!

–Q train to 57th St

Receptionist on phone: Is that Z as in ‘zebra,’ or Z as in ‘xylophone’?

–Doctor’s office, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: Heavy D

To Wednesday, Perchance to One-Liner

Conductor: Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey!

–Penn Station

College girl: Oh, no-no-no-no. Do not even get me started on teacher-student fantasies, okay? I have dreamed about my senior year English teacher every night for months, okay? It’s magical, yet haunting, yet I’m terrified but don’t want it to stop. It’s taken over my mind. So don’t even try to compete with me on teacher-student fantasies. You will lose.

–Columbia University

Middle schooler: Sometimes, when I look at certain people, I feel so tired.

–School bus stop, 5th & 5th

Chick: I know, and I’m addicted to dreams, too!

–Broadway & Washington Pl

Overheard by: Janet

Conductor: We now return you to your regularly scheduled nap, already in progress.

–Metro-North, 125th St