Scientologist man: What would you like your career to be?
Young queer: I’m still not sure. I’d like something that pays millions but doesn’t require any actual work, you know?
Scientologist man: You should aspire to do more with your life if you ever want to be happy. I own my own company, and I love my life.
Young queer: Um, you’re giving out free stress tests in a subway station and attempting to sell some crazy guy’s book. Am I supposed to believe that this is just a hobby of yours?
Scientologist man: Yes.
–42nd St station
Overheard by: Lolita
Archive for December, 2007
Agree to Anal and He’ll Put You in His Will
Girl #1: I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to sleep with him unless we’re in a relationship, but I’m afraid to give him an ultimatum.
Girl #2, after a pause: Well, he wants to sleep with you, so I’m sure he’ll say yes!
–A train
Eh, I’d Say Their Average Grade’s an Oral-B
Early-20′s girl #1: Well, how’s the sex?
Early-20′s girl #2: [Mumbling.]
Early-20′s girl #1: Hmmm, but oral sex? Is he good at that? I hear guys are very bad at giving oral sex.
–Häagen-Dazs, Park Slope
She Has Slut-dar
Middle-aged man with suitcases: So, where’s the airport, honey?
Russian chick: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Middle-aged wife: What? Newark Airport?
Russian chick: This isn’t the airport, slut!
–Port Authority
He Felt Guilty about Attaining Enlightenment
JAP #1: Is he a Juddhist?
JAP #2: A what?
JAP #1: You know, a Jew Buddhist.
JAP #2: Oh, yeah, totally.
–7 train
Overheard by: Ein Berliner
He Also Predicted We’d Find WMDs in Iraq
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could’ve told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
–F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Beer Companies and Star Wars Nerds Have Little to Fear
Girl: You’re on crack. Nobody’s just going to start calling the Empire State Building ‘ESB.’
Guy: If I do it often enough, it might start a trend.
–Empire State Building
He Also Plans to Reach the East by Sailing West
Tourist man to wife, walking to back of train as it pulls forward: C’mon, I want a seat in the front.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Casey
That’s Code for, “I’m Lost, Too”
Man: Excuse me, could you tell me where–
Biotech, interrupting: –Look, I don’t have time to make up fake directions.
–W Broadway
Headline by: Trey Jackson
Runners-Up:
· “And This Rudeness Is Two Seconds Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back” – Markle
· “And, Being a New Yorker, I Certainly Won’t Give You Real Ones” – Yana
· “Mapquest’s Employee Of the Month” – Claire
· “Or The Knowledge for Real Ones” – DIck
· “So Take a Left Over There” – emily bess
· “Take a Cab. Be Sure You Tell the Driver You’re from Out Of Town.” – jnr
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
What He Gets for Being Fresh
Bread vendor: Hey! Lady! Don’t touch the bread!
Old lady, squeezing bread: How am I gonna know if it’s fresh?
Bread vendor: I’ll give you fresh!
Old lady, hitting vendor with large purse in time to her speech: You. Know. What?! You’re. A. Dog! Nothing but a two-bit, Lower East Side dog! That’s what you are!
Bread vendor: Ahhh! [Old lady leaves.]
–Soho
Overheard by: Bulent Akman