Archive for 2007

There Is That Whole ‘Offset Death’ Thing

Mother to lady behind her: I mean, I’m not going to eat one, but like, I don’t know — it’s Starbucks! They have those coffees that are just, like, so fucking good. I’m here to get one of those mocha chip things that are, like, totally 600 calories, but I mean, why would someone not have one of them? They are, like, so totally good. I mean, what — are you supposed to be like a fucking stick [holds up pinky]? I mean, I work out for, like, three hours a day so I can have one of these. I’m a mother of two young kids. I look so good, right?! I cook my own cupcakes, so, I mean, I def would never eat one from Starbucks. They just sit there all day. Ew, gross. I make my own cupcakes with applesauce, of course, because you know, my kids shouldn’t be fat because of me. Right? But like, I don’t understand why people wouldn’t have a mocha chip latte or whatever the fuck they’re called. I mean, it is why people work out, right?
Lady behind her: Um, maybe?

–Starbucks, 27th & 6th

It’s All in the Fricatives

Granny: Be careful!
Man jaywalking with several bags in hand: Ma, I know how to walk the streets in New York. [Car comes to screeching halt in front of him and honks. Man yells to driver] Fuck you! [To granny] See, I’m fine.

–Main St, Flushing

Overheard by: a fully certified ny pedestrian

Um, Shouldn’t We Find Some Girls to Talk To?

Hipster #1 with thick-framed glasses: Yeah, he could do the robot [does crappy robot dance].
Hipster #2: You are so lame.
Hipster #1: No, it’s funny.
Hipster #2: It’s not realistic.
Hipster #1: It’s supposed to be how a robot would dance. What’s not realistic about it?
Hipster #2: Yeah, so a robot programmed well enough to have a dance function would do what you just did…
Hipster #1: Probably.
Hipster #2: If they were to program a robot human enough to have a dance function it would have to be incredibly advanced and I don’t think an incredibly advanced life-like robot would be programed with such stiff moves. They would almost certainly give him at least slightly groovier moves.
Hipster #1: I think you’re thinking of a super advanced robot. I mean, we’re just talking about, like, a robot that appears in the next decade.

–Hipster dance bar

Overheard by: Brian D. Adams

Imagine Eating When You Were Hungry and Still Being Loved

Big latina: I want to get to the gym more often.
Bigger latina: Yeah, I need to get around to that, too.
Big latina: The problem is, though, my man tells me he don’t want to go to the gym. He said he likes my weight right now and I shouldn’t lose any.
Bigger latina: He right.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Queens

No! He’s Catholic

Hipster #1: Mom said since he’s had an erection for that long, they need to chop it off.
Hipster #2: That’s stupid. Why do they need to chop off his penis?
Hipster #1: It doesn’t matter — I think iguanas have two.
Hipster #2: Couldn’t they just jerk him off?

–Mandate of Heaven, 347 Grand St

Well, Maybe Just Seven

SUNY purchase student #1: My fucking head hurts.
SUNY purchase student #2 pulling out bag of white pills: Dude, take these pills. You’ll feel better.
SUNY purchase student #1: Uh… What are they?
SUNY purchase student #2: Uh, codeine I think? I don’t know. Yeah, I stole them from a kid at the party last night. He said he found them in a garbage can.
SUNY purchase student #1: Jesus, dude, no.

–Grand Central