Archive for 2007

You Can’t Say “Don’t Let the Cum Fester” to Just Anybody

NYU boy: The doctor at NYU was so chill about it — he treated me the first time three years ago. He’s the one who told me how you have to spit or swallow, but don’t let the cum fester in your mouth. And that one shouldn’t brush their teeth an hour before or after oral, ’cause it opens up the gums and stuff.
NYU girl: [Blank stare.]
NYU boy: Gay sex is, like, his specialty.
NYU girl, after long pause: I don’t think we should be friends anymore.

–W 4th St

Overheard by: wish I had a specialty

Now I Remember Why I Stopped Having Kids

Little kid, refusing to eat soup: I already ate a chicken patty this morning!
Mother: Shhh. Do you see anyone else in this place yelling?
Little kid: You’re making me yell!
Grandmother: Eat the soup.
Little kid: Stop making me yell!

–Panera Bread

Overheard by: happened to be working on my laptop

Mom Had Quite a Mouth on Her

Customer: How you doin’?
Postal worker: I’m working harder than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Customer: Sounds pretty bad.
Postal worker: Well, it’s better than my mother. She used to say she was working harder than a one-legged whore working both sides of the street.

–Grand Central Post Office, 45th & Lex

Stop Singing and Lick Me

Chubby chick #1: Oh my god, you know who I look like and who I sound like? I saw like this really, really old CD of Barbara Cook, and she’s so much fatter than me, but we sing exactly alike! [Sings.]
Chubby chick #2: I don’t really think I look like anybody. That’s not true — I look like a Gummi Bear.

–Starbucks, 52nd & Lex