Archive for 2007

Wednesday One-Liners Just Wanted Boys to Like Them

Lady bus driver on cell: Tell everybody in Intelligence they can all get their dicks sucked. –West-bound crosstown bus,14th St Overheard by: Kate Man on cell: Having your dick sucked poorly for 10 minutes and then watching him fuck your girlfriend can be fun in moderation, but after a while it just gets old. –Central Park Overheard by: Still laughing Guy with chick: All I know is I have two finals, she’ll give me a blowjob to relax me, and I’ll go home and take a nap. –A train Woman on phone: So, I was given 30 minutes for pizza, right? And I leave my office, look over, and she is sucking his fucking dick. –Target Overheard by: Jooshua Hipster: Yeah, like five tranny vampires sucked my dick within 10 minutes of walking into that place. –Beauty bar Straight guy: Yeah, I think I’d suck Jabba the Hut’s dick. –Houston & Ave A Overheard by: Karin

Wednesday One-Liners Comix and Stories

Ghetto guy: It’s a bird; it’s a plane; it’s Super Vagina! –Prince & Mercer Overheard by: office peon Little boy to dad: I have a secret identity. –116th & Broadway Hobo: Did you know Batman and Robin are in the Bible? Yeah, gays in there — they were so busy being gay that the blacks wrote the Bible… And by the way, you can find O.J. Simpson in there, too. –40 bus, Bronx Woman on cell: What I was thinking was Spider-Man would show up for just one hour, and he’d officiate the wedding. –Joralemon St, Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: jill Lawyer on cell: I have so many arch-nemeses… –Law firm lobby, Midtown Overheard by: I hope I’m not one of them

The White Devil’s Wednesday One-Liners

Newscaster to cameraman: Come on, can’t we get some fucking white people to interview? [White suit approaches.] Hi, do you have a minute? –Fulton & Gold Overheard by: Floored 14-year-old girl to friend: Yo, my momma was like, ‘We gotta go over to Peter Lugar’s to pick up some white niggas with chizzz-ash!’ –S 3rd St, Williamsburg White guy to buddy: I have this thing for girls who look like white girls, but actually… –Sullivan & Bleecker Overheard by: NCS Dude: Journey is like crack for white people. –Metropolitan Championship Regatta Queer black guy on cell: Girl, just stop! That is not your job… No, if she’s such a delicate white woman that she can’t be bothered to take care of her own child, then she can’t be mad if you lose her in the park… No, that’s not your job. –Penn Station Overheard by: mark Ghetto chick: You eat those Fritos like a white girl. –Prominade, Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: David in Dumbo Southern tourist to wifey: You know, people in New York are so many different shades… White people, I mean. –Q train, 34th St

Lord of the Wednesday One-Liners

Sweet-looking old man teaching ballet: This is an adult ballet class. We have to try and do things correctly. A children’s ballet is different. Technically, it qualifies as child abuse. –Steps on Broadway dance studio Chick on cell: After the crash test dummy, there were two geishas who belly danced. –Harlem Overheard by: Hott Bi Luv Chick: … But he didn’t expect it to be a bunch of animals — rabbits and bears in little outfits and shit. And doing little dances. And he was maaad…! –1 train Overheard by: Ladle Agitated old Jew to wife: I’m just saying, for my money I want the Electric Slide, I want the Macarena, I want the Chicken Dance, you know what I mean? –68th & Lex Indignant mom: She secretly enrolled her in ballet without telling me! –Monroe St & Franklin Ave, Brooklyn Old Einstein-looking guy with charming European accent: I always wanted to be a belly dancer so I was surprised when I became a composer. –Subway Overheard by: Ben H

Wednesday One-Liners for Anderson Cooper

Suit on cell: Yeah, it was definitely a fucking adventure alright… I feel like fucking Harry Potter. –Port Authority Overheard by: Nina Angry suit on cell: I don’t say anything derogatory! If I did, I would say some things about you and your husband! You don’t scare me! –36th, between 7th & 8th Overheard by: K-Flex Suit: You know me — I always try to be a professional and a gentleman… until I’m in a trivia contest. –26th & Park Suit on cell: I have to go down to DC for a horse race… Actually, it’s Northern Virginia, so I’m thinking while I’m down there I’m going to stop by the Lincoln Memorial. Is that the place where everyone protests? I think I’ll stop by there and make a speech, then maybe I’ll take a shit on Capital Hill. –2nd St & Ave A Overheard by: Amandax Suit: A practical joker? Isn’t that just called a felon? –Office, Park Ave Concerned suit to large, inflatable chicken: Hello? Hello? Is there someone in there? Can you hear me? Hello? –45th & 3rd Young Indian suit to another: You know, I don’t do shit anymore… All I do now is have sex and play with my Slinky. –Bryant Park Overheard by: Lerka

I Love the Smell of Wednesday One-Liners in the Morning

Basketball thug: Yo, my mama’s breasts smell like rusty pickles! –Columbus Park, by City Hall Overheard by: Man: Dude, smell my cellphone… –Broadway, Astoria Fat tourist: I smell like a slave ship. –Restaurant, Mulberry & Broome Chick on cell: That is true, however, it is definitely not my fault your apartment smells like an ass crack. –48th & 5th Overheard by: Laurie Fat black lady to son: Where is the train? I smell it, but where is it? –Fulton & Pearl Overheard by: Justin

Wednesday One-Liners: So Like Us

Young man: Horses are beautiful, man. They’re like fucking donkeys. –Central Park Frustrated kid: For the last time, monkeys do not have chlorophyll! –Stuyvesant High Overheard by: Sacagawea Hobo leaning over and talking to squirrels: Why are you a squirrel?! Why?! –Washington Square Park Man: Once, I drove a horse! I took my belt over its head, and I drove that horse with my belt! That horse was like, ‘Woo-woo!’ You know Mary Jane? The candy. The peanut candy. I gave that horse Mary Jane and it went, ‘Woo-woo!’ –A train Man on cell: … Is this the residence of a three-toed sloth? [Pause.] Are you the proud owner of a three-toed sloth? –Clinton St & E Broadway Overheard by: Chris Blonde: So, I totally know this story. It was about this lion who became best friends with a deer, like, in Africa, and the lion wouldn’t, like, eat the deer, and the deer wouldn’t, like, run from the lion, but then the deer got really skinny and another lion ate him and the first lion got sad and died. –NJ Transit train to Penn Chick on cell: It’s been way too long since our sheep lisped. –Harlem

From A Field Guide to North American Beauty Standards

Man: I’m trying to work out to drop some weight.
Lady: Yeah, my girlfriend and I been goin’ to the gym to make our booties clap.
Man: Aw, yeah?
Lady: You know, makin’ em clap, gettin’ ’em right.
Man: Yeah, like, I seen this girl on TV — I think her name is Tastee…
Lady: That girl from Flavor of Love?
Man: No, not Toastee — like, a real girl, named Tastee. Her booty makes a sound like [claps his hands loudly three times]. It, like, smacks itself.
Lady: Damn. –Rite Aid, Grand & Clinton Overheard by: Beth P.