Archive for 2007

Equal-Opportunity Wednesday One-Liners

Sex kitten on cell: … Body shots with hot, Brazilian, bi girls? Check. –Penn Station Overheard by: McN. Man on cell: … And now she likes girls, so what am I supposed to do? –86th & 3rd Overheard by: Karolyn NYU broad: I figure I’ve got three more years before it’s not experimenting anymore… Of course I let him fuck me. If I didn’t, it’d just be like fucking a girl! –NYU Silver Center Guy on cell: I’m telling you, she slept with someone else in my bed… It was another woman… Well, she said it didn’t count. –Outside Circus Bar, 43rd & 8th Overheard by: tommy z Teen boy recounting a fight at a school dance: … And so I told them, ‘Niggas better not fight, or my hand will be bisexual tonight, and I will slap you bitches!’ –J train Hot chick on cell: How are we not millionaires with all our combined knowledge of meatotomy, Vegas, and bisexuality? –Harlem Overheard by: McNasty

Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Potty

Man leaving bathroom stall: I did it my way! –420 5th Ave Loud 12-year-old girl in stall, screaming to friends by the sinks: Is it bad that my pee is, like, foamy? –Barnes & Noble, Park Slope, Brooklyn Overheard by: Jenn Young girl exiting porta-potty: I feel sick. I guess I shouldn’t have looked down. –Prospect Park Kid in stall: Dad, I’m peeing with one hand behind my back and my eyes closed! –Toys ‘R’ Us Overheard by: Sean Bogart Woman running into bathroom: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I have to pee! [Enters stall] Phew! Come on… [Starts peeing, then sighs] Oh, thank you, dear Lord, for this glorious opportunity! –Staten Island Ferry terminal Overheard by: amila, NOT the Lord Girl in stall, answering cell: Hello? What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I was totally masturbating when you called. –Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Thought “Elemeno” Was a Letter

Lady on cell: Yes, that’s right. N as in ‘Nancy,’ M as in ‘umbrella’… –Brooklyn Botanic Garden Conductor: This is a downtown V train — V as in ‘vasectomy.’ –5th Ave Overheard by: Kim MTA announcement: The next train is a Brooklyn-bound C train. C as in ‘Shelly.’ –59th St station Overheard by: Trey Givens Loud man on cell: No, no, her name starts with an F… No, F… F like in ‘phonics’! What? It doesn’t? Oh, well, I guess you could spell it that way, too. –L train Loudspeaker: This is the B-as-in-‘badass’ train. Transfer to the D and Four. –Yankee Stadium station Ghetto girl on cell: C… No! C — like the last letter in ‘New York.’ –103rd & Lex

Wednesday One-Liners for the Great Depression

Man in pink shirt: So, I saw this homeless man, and he asked for change. I was like, ‘Man, I’m even more fucked than you are. I spent my last change on a metro card.’ And then the guy is like, ‘Well, at least you have clothes,’ and so I was like, ‘No, I borrowed this from a drama performance.’ And then he said have I eaten? I was like, ‘No, I only ate a sandwich two days ago.’ The homeless guy is like, ‘You’re right — you are worse off than me.’ –N train Chick: You know that hobo asking for a motorcycle? He now wants dinner in the Hamptons. –79th & Broadway Dude: If we see a homeless guy tonight, ask him if he saw last night’s South Park. –Manhattan-bound LIRR, Port Washington line Chick: Let’s become homeless people so we can just stay on this train. –Metro-North to Grand Central Overheard by: jj Lady on cell: Yeah, I don’t like singles… I don’t like homeless people, either. I’d give my singles to the homeless. –Port Authority Overheard by: Beez Queer hipster: Oh my god! Some hobo just asked if I wanted to see his pubic wonderland! –68th & Lexington Drunk girl to friend: I mean, he’s not, like, homeless-homeless… He’s medium homeless! –Bleecker & Thompson

Wednesday One-Liners for the Naked Cowboy

Old man on cell: Okay, well, I’m going to let you go. I’m seeing Spring Awakening, and I have to get settled and take my clothes off before the show starts. –Eugene O’Neill Theater Overheard by: Miki Woman on cell: Mark, unless I undressed you, I don’t need your help! –Outside CBS Broadcast Center, W 57th St Fully-clothed little boy running with friend: I feel naked! –Battery Park Chick: You can still laugh with your shirt off. –23rd & 6th Overheard by: wondering why this even needed to be said Banker: Hermione better nude up for the next Harry Potter. –60 Wall St Hoochie: Let me tell you, there is a huge difference between a generally good party and a generally good party with naked girls. –St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave Overheard by: Steve

Wednesday One-Liners Carry a Union Card

Hardhat to passerby: Does this building look crooked to you? –Construction site, 12th & 4th Overheard by: Random Passerby Hardhat to another: You’re everybody’s bitch, you just haven’t accepted it yet. –PATH escalators, World Trade Center station Overheard by: archly Hardhat to coworkers: I’m not a monster! –35th & Madison Hardhat, belching loudly: There! Whaddya think of that, ya fuckin’ A-wipe?! –Midtown Hardhat to circle of coworkers: So, you got the sperm over here… –Center Blvd, Long Island City Overheard by: Sabrina

The Wednesday One-Liners behind the Badge

Male cop to another: Did I tell you today how much I love you? –34th & 8th Overheard by: Egon Thug jumping onto train just as doors were closing: Yo, what train is this? Nah, I don’t care as long as the cops didn’t see me. –C train, Penn Station Overheard by: go rangers! Cop car loudspeaker to random driver: Please use your turn signal when you make an illegal left turn and cut off the bus causing an accident. –8th & University Overheard by: misspenny Conductor: Do not go in between cars at any time, whether or not the train is moving. This is becoming a police state. That’s why I’m outta here. –S train, Grand Central Overheard by: Hametuka

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Hadn’t Said That

Guy to girl in aisle seat: Excuse me — I think I’m inside you. –Board plane at LaGuardia Hot chick to friend: You have to play with it every night. Give it the attention it deserves. –51st & Broadway Overheard by: Jatmos Conductor: If you got something sticking out, pull it all in! In the rear and the front! –1 train Teacher: You’ve got to stick it in the hole and twist it! –MS 54 Overheard by: It’s not turning! Hoochie on cell: Hi, it’s Sarah returning your call. I’m in Noho… or Soho… I don’t know what ‘ho’ I’m in… –Broadway, between Prince & Spring Overheard by: Not a Ho

Wednesday One-Liners Watch AZN

Teacher: So, for the most part you guys had really low participation grades. Then they made me sit through some psychology workshop entitled ‘The Asian Teen and Why They’re So Quiet.’ After that, I raised everyone’s grade. –Bronx Science Overheard by: LSB Lady with accent, to toddler: I don’t know about Asians… He just fell over, and they don’t even care! They’re just gonna leave them there! –Faye’s Starbucks, Washington Square Overheard by: Sydney M White mom taking photo of Chinese seven-year-old daughter: Honey, open your eyes! Wider! Open your eyes, dear! –Times Square Black guy with guitar: Hey! Hey you! This song I’m gonna sing is for you, Chinese girl. [Sings] Everybody was kung fu fighting, [yells and chops the air] boom, bam! Thank you. Thank you all! I accept pennies, nickels, dimes, iPods, wallets, cellphones, sunglasses, your first born, your mama, credit cards and Asians. –1 train Overheard by: Brina Guild Nerd: You can tell how good a testing location is by the ratio of people to Asians. –Line for SATs, Martin Luther King Jr. High Guy, regarding VA Tech: It’s not right — Asians aren’t serial killers. If they were, there wouldn’t be so many people in China. [Friends stare silently.] What? Too soon? –NYU Overheard by: evil new york

Breaking Windsday One-Liners

Defensive fat lady, as young guy looks accusingly at her: Oh, no, you better don’t. I saw you tilt. –Crowded 1/9 train Overheard by: Joseph Happy hobo: I just farted… Yes, all by myself! –McDonald’s Big black guy, after someone let out very smelly fart: Well, I hope somebody feels better! –Long line at Port Authority bus terminal Hipster boy to friends: I mean, last night we have a conversation about how I’m not respected, and this morning I’m being farted on. Why? Why?! –Morgan Ave stop