Archive for 2007

Nobody Ever Is

Slacker chick in Heidi haircut, Mao cap and gas station jacket: What really pissed me off was we were fooling around one night and he was texting another girl. I’m, like, sitting there naked, ready to do whatever, and he’s pulling that shit. He’s all about wanting to eat out my asshole, and then he does that.
Slacker dude: I guess he wasn’t really ready to get everything he wanted.

–Raccoon Lodge, TriBeCa

Overheard by: Nic

But That’s a Cocktail Stirrer

Girl #1: Here, take it.
Girl #2: I really don’t think this is necessary…
Girl #1: But you missed your period. And you’re all pukey. Don’t you want to know?
Girl #2: But I don’t think I am.
Girl #1: Well, I can’t date him until we know he’s not your baby daddy!
Girl #2: Start dating him! It’s fine. I don’t think I am!
Girl #1: Will you just pee on the fucking stick?!

–Bathroom, bar, Williamsburg

Reparations Are a Lot Cheaper Than They Used to Be

Old black man #1: I’m gonna go get a Post.
Old black man #2: A brotha reading the Post? Oh, man…
Old black man #1: Man, it’s only 25 cents. And it’s got page six!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Jill

Headline by: Dave

· “Hahaha…wait…black people? READING?” – pants
· “I always sleep under that one” – Mike B
· “Judge me not by the color of my skin but by the content of my paper” – nyinsf
· “That’s the quilted page” – N. A. Cargo

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

A Hundred Dollars a Minute? That Better Be Freud Himself

Crazy guy to wife at front of bus: Fucking therapist fucking charges me three hundred dollars for three fucking minutes. Fuckers are trying to take my money!
Drunk guy at back of bus: Shut up! Stop cursing! There are kids on the bus.
Crazy guy to wife: I take you out to dinner, and you don’t even want to fucking go anywhere?! Why the fuck do I put up with you?!
Drunk guy: Shut up! There are womenfolk on the bus.
Crazy guy: You shut the fuck up. You think I’m not fucking dumb but I’m not. [His wife starts hitting him.]
Drunk guy: Shut up! That’s what my two-year-old boy says — ‘Shut up’! Hahahaha.
Lady laughing on cell: Are you guys gonna still be at the bar? … Excellent!

–Bx10 bus

Overheard by: LSB

Mine’s in a Secret Abdominal Compartment

Asian princess: #1: You know what’s annoying?
Asian princess: #2: What?
Asian princess: #1: When, like, people carry, like, two bags.
Asian princess: #2: Oh my god, I know! Like, when they have their school bag and then their coach bag…
Asian princess: #1: Totally! It’s like, sooo annoying.
Asian princess: #2: Yeah! That’s why I put my bag in my school bag.

–Q11 bus

Post-Painterly Wednesday One-Liners

Student: I didn’t describe the sculpture, I just said that the combination of her and Weird Al inspired me.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Haley

Woman: I’m not really into the whole modern art thing — I just don’t like it.


Confused foreign professor: Monet and Picasso are famous painters. George Bush is not.


Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Man to woman after they make out: The problem is, if you’re an artist today and you take a picture of a guy jumping off a bridge in Paris, no one’s going to care.

–Armory Art Fair

JAP: So, are these the real Monets?

–The Met

Overheard by: Charlie Nicholson

Wednesday One-Liners Call Themselves “Publicists”

Announcer dude: People, get the Audio Guide! If you don’t you’ll end up up there thinking, ‘I should have listened to that handsome, well-spoken man downstairs.’ You’ll be beating yourself for not buying the Audio Guide. And I don’t need that on my conscience.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: George Carstocea

Daily News hawker: Sign up here for your free subscription to the Daily News! [Muttering] We’ll screw you later.

–Outside Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Mrs. Met

Guy selling comedy show tickets: Come on, have a ticket. If you don’t I’ll stalk you on your MySpace page!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Punkgrrl

Top of the Rock promoter guy: Yeah, it’s supposed to be, like, the best view or whatever of, uh, I don’t know… [Calls to fellow promoter] Yo, man, you ever been up there?

–Rockefeller Center

Flyer dude: See the naked cowboy on stage! Sucking cock!

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ashley

Guy selling newspapers: New York Post here! Daily News here! [He’s ignored.] New York Post here! Daily News! [Still ignored.] George Bush wins the lottery! [Still ignored.]

–33rd & 7th

Comedy club promoter: People, you gotta come tonight, because if you don’t my boss is gonna kill me! I work for the mafia!

–Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners for C. Montgomery Burns

Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever — all he cared about was money.

–Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison

20-something exasperated chick on cell: It’s a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It’s a little something called my rent!

–W 10th & Waverly

Overheard by: I call it that too

Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?

–54th & 10th

Overheard by: Allisa

Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don’t pick up stuff off the street… unless it’s money.

–14th & 2nd

Suit: … And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.

–Chambers & West Side Hwy

Overheard by: Mike McG

Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty — you get what you pay for.

–PATH train, stuck under the Hudson

VP: I certainly don’t want you to think it’s all about money, because it’s not — it’s mostly about money.

–Office, Park Ave South