Archive for 2007

Fuck the Contest. I’m Joining That Gym!

Workout girl #1: It feels so sticky when I put it on my lips.
Workout girl #2: That’s why you don’t stick your fingers all the way inside it.

–Synergy Gym, Astoria

Overheard by: Wog

Headline by: Rocks N Socks

Runners-Up:
· “How to Eat a Bowl Of Ice Cream Without a Spoon” – Karl

· “Life Without a Toilet Plunger…” – Jackster
· “Oh Cum On!” – Mike
· “The Rim Is All You Need…” – Steph
· “Winnie The Pooh Had The Same Problem With His Honeypot” – Sticky Thump


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners, As Seen in Playbill

Twenty-ish girl exiting theater: Ugh… It’s like getting out of prison…

–Stage door for Mary Poppins, 41st St

Angry old lady: You shouldn’t have to be distracted by all these ideas when you’re watching a play.

Cymbeline, BAM

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Mother to child eating pizza: Eat your cereal! Do you know why I said, ‘Eat your cereal’? Because it’s a line in Mommy’s play.

–105th & Broadway

Shocked lady fanning herself after first act of Spring Awakening: Well, that certainly wasn’t Cats.

–O’Neill Theater

Overheard by: sjp

Girl on cell: Wait, she quit her job to come see the show?

–Rush line for Spring Awakening

Overheard by: hope she gets tickets

Blue-haired person to another: I didn’t care for it, but the Asians will love it!

Sweet Charity showing, Al Hirschfeld Theatre

Overheard by: Robert

Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Flicker Pictures

Guy to L. Ron Hub-tards: So, if I sign up with you, how long do I have to offer people stress tests before I become a movie star?

–Union Square

Gangsta teen: Yeah, A Clockwork Orange. You seen that shit? They taped his eyes open and made him watch rapes and shit. I would have ripped that shit off my eyes, man — fuck that. I’d blink my motherfucking eyes regardless.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I do, too

Hipster: Actually, I don’t watch movies. I watch films.

–The Village

Blonde: Wasn’t Newsies a documentary?

–Deluxe, 114th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

Queer on cell: So, it’s not just like one of those regular bestiality films…

–E 9th & 1st

Movie buff: Yeah, I thought Seabiscuit was a good movie until I realized it was about a horse.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: pokemaul2k4

Wednesday One-Liners Just Wanted Boys to Like Them

Lady bus driver on cell: Tell everybody in Intelligence they can all get their dicks sucked.

–West-bound crosstown bus,14th St

Overheard by: Kate

Man on cell: Having your dick sucked poorly for 10 minutes and then watching him fuck your girlfriend can be fun in moderation, but after a while it just gets old.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Still laughing

Guy with chick: All I know is I have two finals, she’ll give me a blowjob to relax me, and I’ll go home and take a nap.

–A train

Woman on phone: So, I was given 30 minutes for pizza, right? And I leave my office, look over, and she is sucking his fucking dick.

–Target

Overheard by: Jooshua

Hipster: Yeah, like five tranny vampires sucked my dick within 10 minutes of walking into that place.

–Beauty bar

Straight guy: Yeah, I think I’d suck Jabba the Hut’s dick.

–Houston & Ave A

Overheard by: Karin

Wednesday One-Liners Comix and Stories

Ghetto guy: It’s a bird; it’s a plane; it’s Super Vagina!

–Prince & Mercer

Overheard by: office peon

Little boy to dad: I have a secret identity.

–116th & Broadway

Hobo: Did you know Batman and Robin are in the Bible? Yeah, gays in there — they were so busy being gay that the blacks wrote the Bible… And by the way, you can find O.J. Simpson in there, too.

–40 bus, Bronx

Woman on cell: What I was thinking was Spider-Man would show up for just one hour, and he’d officiate the wedding.

–Joralemon St, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: jill

Lawyer on cell: I have so many arch-nemeses…

–Law firm lobby, Midtown

Overheard by: I hope I’m not one of them

Wednesday One-Liners Have Started Drinking Alone

Teacher: That’s a beautiful outfit! I forgot today was Culture Day — I would’ve come in drunk.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

JAP: I was so drunk, and the next day I woke up in an unmade bed!

–Times Square

NJ Transit conductor: We’re on the train goin’ to Dovah. This is a late-night train for the drunk college kids. If you miss your stop, that sucks — we ain’t goin’ back. In Dovah, it’s ovah.

–Penn Station

Chorus of drunks: Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks!

–Welcome to the Johnson’s, LES

Overheard by: Alexis

Large, loud lady dragging dirty hot pink suitcase to passerby: I’ve got a bottle of beer in one hand and a holy Bible in the other!

–W 39th & 8th

20-ish director type to others: Okay, I’m laying down the law for this show. Nobody drinks — none of the actors are allowed to drink before the show tomorrow. I can drink before the show, but none of the actors can drink before the show.

–Krain’s Theatre, E 4th & 2nd

Overheard by: could use a drink now

Tipsy dude: Either way, the test is coming back positive, so let’s get drunk.

–3rd & 12th

The White Devil’s Wednesday One-Liners

Newscaster to cameraman: Come on, can’t we get some fucking white people to interview? [White suit approaches.] Hi, do you have a minute?

–Fulton & Gold

Overheard by: Floored

14-year-old girl to friend: Yo, my momma was like, ‘We gotta go over to Peter Lugar’s to pick up some white niggas with chizzz-ash!’

–S 3rd St, Williamsburg

White guy to buddy: I have this thing for girls who look like white girls, but actually…

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Overheard by: NCS

Dude: Journey is like crack for white people.

–Metropolitan Championship Regatta

Queer black guy on cell: Girl, just stop! That is not your job… No, if she’s such a delicate white woman that she can’t be bothered to take care of her own child, then she can’t be mad if you lose her in the park… No, that’s not your job.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: mark

Ghetto chick: You eat those Fritos like a white girl.

–Prominade, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: David in Dumbo

Southern tourist to wifey: You know, people in New York are so many different shades… White people, I mean.

–Q train, 34th St