Archive for 2007

So Hold Still

Chick: James Brown died.
Dude: No, he didn’t!
Chick: Yeah, he did!
Dude: But… He’s right there! [Points at TV.]
Chick: Yeah. That’s cool, isn’t it?
Dude: What were we talking about before this shit?
Chick: Cutting off your cheek.
Dude: Right.

–McDonald’s

John Travolta will take any role

Girl: What I really want is a guy who is kind of skinny and almost homosexual.
Fat male passerby: I can be that guy!

–14th & 2nd

Headline by: h

Runners-Up:
· “But One Who Isn’t a Scientologist and Didn’t Star in the “Mission Impossible” Movies” – Hostrauser

· “Drew Carey Believes He’s a Hipster.” – Stephalee
· “I Can Be Seven Of That Guy” – Belvedere Jones
· “I’m Not Skinny, but I’m All the Way Homosexual–it Balances Out.” – KarenD
· “It Was Rosie O’Donnell” – Jess K.


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Sorry about Your Damaged Chromosomes, Honey

Man, as ‘Angie’ by Rolling Stones plays: Oh, man, this song reminds me of being on acid.
Wife, laughing: Me, too.
Man, as ‘Tales of Brave Ulysses’ by Cream comes on: Okay, no, this song reminds me of being on acid!
Wife: Me, too!
20-something daughter: I can totally hear you guys!

–Schiller’s, Rivington St

Overheard by: lucy in the sky with diamonds

Equal-Opportunity Wednesday One-Liners

Sex kitten on cell: … Body shots with hot, Brazilian, bi girls? Check.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McN.

Man on cell: … And now she likes girls, so what am I supposed to do?

–86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Karolyn

NYU broad: I figure I’ve got three more years before it’s not experimenting anymore… Of course I let him fuck me. If I didn’t, it’d just be like fucking a girl!

–NYU Silver Center

Guy on cell: I’m telling you, she slept with someone else in my bed… It was another woman… Well, she said it didn’t count.

–Outside Circus Bar, 43rd & 8th

Overheard by: tommy z

Teen boy recounting a fight at a school dance: … And so I told them, ‘Niggas better not fight, or my hand will be bisexual tonight, and I will slap you bitches!’

–J train

Hot chick on cell: How are we not millionaires with all our combined knowledge of meatotomy, Vegas, and bisexuality?

–Harlem

Overheard by: McNasty

Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Potty

Man leaving bathroom stall: I did it my way!

–420 5th Ave

Loud 12-year-old girl in stall, screaming to friends by the sinks: Is it bad that my pee is, like, foamy?

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jenn

Young girl exiting porta-potty: I feel sick. I guess I shouldn’t have looked down.

–Prospect Park

Kid in stall: Dad, I’m peeing with one hand behind my back and my eyes closed!

–Toys ‘R’ Us

Overheard by: Sean Bogart

Woman running into bathroom: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I have to pee! [Enters stall] Phew! Come on… [Starts peeing, then sighs] Oh, thank you, dear Lord, for this glorious opportunity!

–Staten Island Ferry terminal

Overheard by: amila, NOT the Lord

Girl in stall, answering cell: Hello? What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I was totally masturbating when you called.

–Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Thought “Elemeno” Was a Letter

Lady on cell: Yes, that’s right. N as in ‘Nancy,’ M as in ‘umbrella’…

–Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Conductor: This is a downtown V train — V as in ‘vasectomy.’

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Kim

MTA announcement: The next train is a Brooklyn-bound C train. C as in ‘Shelly.’

–59th St station

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Loud man on cell: No, no, her name starts with an F… No, F… F like in ‘phonics’! What? It doesn’t? Oh, well, I guess you could spell it that way, too.

–L train

Loudspeaker: This is the B-as-in-‘badass’ train. Transfer to the D and Four.

–Yankee Stadium station

Ghetto girl on cell: C… No! C — like the last letter in ‘New York.’

–103rd & Lex

Wednesday One-Liners for the Great Depression

Man in pink shirt: So, I saw this homeless man, and he asked for change. I was like, ‘Man, I’m even more fucked than you are. I spent my last change on a metro card.’ And then the guy is like, ‘Well, at least you have clothes,’ and so I was like, ‘No, I borrowed this from a drama performance.’ And then he said have I eaten? I was like, ‘No, I only ate a sandwich two days ago.’ The homeless guy is like, ‘You’re right — you are worse off than me.’

–N train

Chick: You know that hobo asking for a motorcycle? He now wants dinner in the Hamptons.

–79th & Broadway

Dude: If we see a homeless guy tonight, ask him if he saw last night’s South Park.

–Manhattan-bound LIRR, Port Washington line

Chick: Let’s become homeless people so we can just stay on this train.

–Metro-North to Grand Central

Overheard by: jj

Lady on cell: Yeah, I don’t like singles… I don’t like homeless people, either. I’d give my singles to the homeless.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Beez

Queer hipster: Oh my god! Some hobo just asked if I wanted to see his pubic wonderland!

–68th & Lexington

Drunk girl to friend: I mean, he’s not, like, homeless-homeless… He’s medium homeless!

–Bleecker & Thompson