Archive for 2007

That, Plus the Lab Test

Nerdy chick picking dirt off shoe with fingernail: I wonder how I got all this mud on my shoe…
Nerdy boyfriend: That’s not mud; that’s dog shit.
Nerdy chick, horrified: How do you know?!
Nerdy boyfriend: I saw you step in it on our way over here.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Big Larry

This Performance Art Is Made Possible through the Support of Viewers Like You

Man: Is she serious? Is this broad serious?
Hipster chick who bumped into him: You talkin’ to me?
Man: Yeah, lady, I am talkin’ to you!
Hipster chick: Hey, buddy, as if your fat ass doesn’t bump into people everywhere you go.
Man: Well, actually, if my ass was half as big as yours, I bet it would!
Hipster chick: You only wish you had my ass.
Man: Yeah, you’re right. [Pauses, then gets noticeably calmer] Good thing you’re from New York or I’d have to kick you in the face.
Hipster chick: I’m not from New York. I’m from Toronto.
Man: Where is that, Antarctica?! Get outta my face!

–2 train, CPW

Overheard by: ginger balls

Fucking FCC!

Scrawny teen boy: Hey, Alice, can I–
Posh teen girl, eating Kit-Kat: –No.
Scrawny teen boy: But what if–
Posh teen girl: –No.
Scrawny teen boy: Come on! It’s just like in the commercial! [Sings] Give me a break! Give me a break! Break me off a piece of that–
Posh teen girl: –Well, you’re not fucking getting a piece of my fucking Kit-Kat bar!
Scrawny teen boy, after pause: But you see, that part isn’t in the commercial…

–Construction site, E Houston

He’ll Have His Own Travel Show within a Month

Blonde tourist squinting at sign: It says in small letters, ‘African-American burial ground, Historic District.’
Hobo: That’s right. They’s dead niggas all over the mothafucka. Right under the pavement. Paved right over they ass without no mothafuckin’ consideration whatsoever. You probably standing over a dead nigga right now.
Blonde tourist: That’s terrible. How did they find them?
Hobo: The white man was diggin’ here for something — I dunno, prob’ly thought there was some money under the sidewalk, and all they found was a bunch of dead niggas. So they covered ‘em up again and put up them signs.
Blonde tourist, handing hobo a dollar: Well, thank you very much.
Hobo: And thank you, ma’am. Any other historical information you need, come back and ask for Willie.

–Center St & Pearl St

Overheard by: Big Larry