Archive for 2007

He’ll Have His Own Travel Show within a Month

Blonde tourist squinting at sign: It says in small letters, ‘African-American burial ground, Historic District.’
Hobo: That’s right. They’s dead niggas all over the mothafucka. Right under the pavement. Paved right over they ass without no mothafuckin’ consideration whatsoever. You probably standing over a dead nigga right now.
Blonde tourist: That’s terrible. How did they find them?
Hobo: The white man was diggin’ here for something — I dunno, prob’ly thought there was some money under the sidewalk, and all they found was a bunch of dead niggas. So they covered ‘em up again and put up them signs.
Blonde tourist, handing hobo a dollar: Well, thank you very much.
Hobo: And thank you, ma’am. Any other historical information you need, come back and ask for Willie.

–Center St & Pearl St

Overheard by: Big Larry

…And He Bit My Leg.

Son: I’m thinking of an animal now.
Mother: Does it live in water?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live on land?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the air?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the subway?
Son: Yes.
Mother: Is it a rat?
Son: No.
Mother: I give up.
Son: It’s a homeless person.

–1 train

Headline by: Johnny Utah

· “Better Question: Does It Masturbate in the Subway?” – s m

· “Can We Hunt It for Sport on a Private Island?” – space coyote
· “Don’t Feed It… It’ll Shit Everywhere!” – Hobo Whisperer
· “Homeless
: the Other Other White Meat” – Renee

· “New and Improved — Now with Rabies!” – greatly amused

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Volk-One-Reich-One-Führer-Liners

Young girl to older man: Sir, I don’t think it’s fair to compare Greenpeace to the Nazis.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Nick

Teen girl to friend: Oh, I know about the Great Depression! That’s when Hitler’s wife poisoned her kids and then shot herself. She was really depressed.

–Colombus Library, 50th & 10th

Hipster chick: We’re neutral like Switzerland, except we do more business with the Nazis, or, in this case, your mother.

–Forsyth & Houston

Teen son to mom: So, how’s Hitler doing?

–2 train

Wednesday H. One-Liners!

Tourist fighting crowd and accosted by preacher with flyers: ‘Cause it’s not crowed enough without Jesus on the sidewalk?!

–Times Square, 45th & 7th

Hoochie: It is hard to think about Jesus with a dick in your mouth.

–O’Connor’s Bar, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Was just watching the game until I heard that

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, today I’d like to talk to you about our Lord. Now, let’s be honest, you all look beaten, you look broken, you need the light of the Almighty. Well, for just five cents a day I can bring Jesus into your life. Just five cents in my cup and you can have our savior for the rest of the day. Don’t be shy — you can all have Jesus for the entire month if you want.

–Crowded S train leaving Grand Central

Four-year-old boy waving at Evan Almighty poster: Hi, Jesus!

–63rd Dr, Rego Park station

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus Christ is driving this train.

–F train

Middle schooler: When I die I’m gonna go to heaven and ask Jesus if Santa Claus is real, and then I’m gonna laugh in your face!

–Fort Tyron Park

Overheard by: E.F. Schubert

Mother Goose’s Wednesday One-Liners

Small girl’s voice from inside tube: Repeat, I have the prisoner, over.

–McDonald’s playland, 69th & Metro, Queens

Little girl: Mommy, there are no good stones in this city anymore.

–79th & 5th

Little girl, proudly: Mommy, I found this on the floor of the supermarket, so I put it in my mouth.

–Waldbaum’s Supermarket, Sheepshead Bay

Little girl swinging around a receipt: I don’t have to pay taxes! Taaax-esss.

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wishing I didnt have to either